Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (2014) s13e24 Episode Script
Brazil's Presidential Election
1
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight".
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week!
The UN General Assembly took place,
the lieutenant governor of New Jersey
resigned amid scandal.
And in the Senate,
Tommy Tuberville spoke
about what he considers
a grave threat to Americans.
Many airline pilots,
flight attendants
and air traffic controllers
are part of the furry community.
When you walk
onto a commercial flight,
it's possible
that the pilot flying your plane
could have a deranged fetish
of dressing up like an animal.
You can't make this up.
I think you just did.
Because first, I don't believe
that there's an epidemic
of furries working as airline
personnel, and frankly, if there were,
Tuberville would not be
the one to break that news,
I think we all know,
this guy would.
But also, who gives a shit?
There's a war going on right now.
This is not a real problem.
Until a plane crashes
and the cause turns out to be
"pilot watching Mr. Tumnus fancams
on mute with his hand down his pants",
I think we can safely put this one
on the back burner.
Meanwhile, midterm elections
are fast approaching,
and several polls have Democrats
with a double-digit lead
on the generic ballots.
One race surprisingly in play
is the one for Senate in Texas,
where Republican Ken Paxton,
a man who bears a striking resemblance
to a raw Mr. Potato Head,
is trailing in the polls
against Democrat James Talarico,
or, as Trump refers to him…
Talafreako.
Yeah, I get it. I mean,
what can you really say there?
Even a rotting fruit's
still got some juice.
Talarico leading in the polls
is clearly a big deal,
especially since Paxton
has Trump's endorsement.
Although it is not always
easy to tell that,
given how Trump
tends to talk about him.
We have a guy named Ken Paxton.
And some people don't like
the way he dresses
or some people don't like
the way he interviews or talks.
He may not dress right,
he may not talk exactly perfectly,
and he may not be
the best-looking guy I've ever seen.
So, Ken Paxton, you might
not like the way he dresses,
and I say this, it's so insulting
to him, but I might as well say it.
You might not like the way he looks.
You might not love his look.
You might not love
his television interviews.
But he was the best attorney
general in the country, perhaps,
he was one of the best
in the entire country,
and that speaks a lot louder
than the suit he's wearing
that doesn't look so great.
It is tough to pick a favorite part,
but I think mine is the sentence,
"It's so insulting to him,
but I might as well say it."
Yeah, you definitely might as well,
given it seems you've already
said it 400 different times.
But Paxton's shitty suits
are the least of his problems.
He has a lot of baggage.
Just listen to this attack ad
that was run against him
earlier this year.
Crooked Ken Paxton
cheated on his wife.
She's divorcing him
on biblical grounds.
So now Paxton's wrecking
another home,
sleeping around
with a married mother of seven.
And remember this: crooked Ken
has increased his net worth
by as much as 7,000%
since taking office.
Now think of the Paxton dirty deeds
we don't know about yet.
The wife-cheater and fraud,
or the Texas workhorse?
Yeah, that ad was run by
John Cornyn, a fellow Republican,
during the primary.
It was co-sponsored by the Senate
Republican Campaign Committee.
And while it's pretty effective,
I will say,
I have never wanted to do
anything less
than think of the Paxton dirty deeds
we don't know about.
You already just made me
picture this guy having sex,
I think we're good, thanks.
The point is, to say Ken Paxton's
unpopular within his own party
is an understatement.
And it is not because
he's not conservative enough.
He sued the Biden administration
106 times,
tried to classify gender-affirming
care as "child abuse"
and on the day Roe v. Wade
was overturned, he tweeted,
"I'm closing my office
and making it an annual holiday."
And what would you even call
that holiday, other than…
You know what, I've got it,
"Mandatory Labor Day"!
And yet, many Republicans
absolutely hate him.
Just this week, we learned
George W. Bush was raising money
for prominent Republicans,
except Ken Paxton.
And during the Republican primary,
this is how Senator Thom Tillis
described him.
And to call Paxton
"ethically challenged"
is to call Jeffrey Dahmer
sufferating from an eating disorder.
Those are some strong words from
a member of Paxton's own party,
even if he did fuck up
his Dahmer joke by saying
"sufferating" instead of "suffering".
If you're coming to an interview
with a prepared joke,
you cannot bungle it on
the deliverary. You just can't do it.
But when he said "ethically challenged"
there, he wasn't kidding.
Paxton spent nearly nine years
under indictment for securities fraud,
before the charges were dropped
in a deal in which he paid
"nearly 300,000 dollars
in restitution to his victims"
and agreed to complete
"100 hours of community service"
"and 15 hours
of legal ethics education."
Which is just an amazing thing
for a state AG to have to do.
Not just that,
he was also accused of bribery
and abuse of office by eight
of his own top deputies.
And while he was never charged
with a crime there,
he was later impeached by
the Republican-controlled Texas House.
Now, the Senate later acquitted him,
but by then,
Paxton had fired four of the staffers
who'd reported him,
which led to a lawsuit claiming he'd
violated the state's Whistleblower Act,
and eventually, Texas taxpayers
had to pay over 6 million dollars
to those staffers
Paxton had fired.
And while it's not strictly relevant,
on top of all of that,
you should know, he also
once posted this image on 9/11
to commemorate
the day of the attacks.
And what the fuck is that?
It looks like
a Norman Rockwell painting
if he was kind of
rooting for the plane.
And among my many issues
with it: red Solo cups?
At 8:46 AM?
Sure, they had a rough day,
but not at that point.
That post is an incredibly
bad look for Paxton,
which, as Trump will happily tell you,
is a very high bar to clear.
But wait,
'cause I'm still not done.
As reporting recently emerged
about the acquisition of 15 properties
worth about 9 million dollars by Paxton
and trusts associated with him.
That led to claims he'd omitted
rental income and mortgages
from financial disclosures,
obscuring his wealth,
and that, incredibly, he also
appears to have used an address
where he did not live
while voting in six elections.
All of which throw a bit of a wrench
into his efforts to present himself
as a law-and-order candidate
at events like this one.
They've made a lot about the reports
that have come out,
one in the New York Times
about you acquiring properties…
Jack, can we keep this
to law enforcement, please?
I'm giving you the opportunity today
to answer the question…
I'd like that those who are here
with the sheriffs,
I'd like to keep today
to law enforcement,
so that's what I'm gonna answer,
questions on law enforcement.
Did you want to go?
Will you answer questions about
why you voted in Collin County?
So, we're just going to do
questions on law enforcement today,
because we're joined with 22
amazing law enforcement officers.
Okay, but I feel like that question
was about law enforcement.
It was literally about the enforcement
of laws that Paxton may've broken.
It's not like that reporter
just asked,
"This is actually for any of those
guys behind Ken right now:
did you call each other this
morning to decide what to wear
or was this all just a coincidence?
I can't leave without knowing."
Even Paxton's pettiest scandals
have long haunted him.
We actually showed you this
attack ad against him back in 2018,
but it really is worth
seeing again.
This is the Collin County courthouse
where a Dallas attorney
accidentally left a 1,000 dollar pen
at the metal detectors.
This is Ken Paxton, the indicted
Texas attorney general,
rummaging through
the metal detector trays
and stealing that 1,000 dollar pen.
And this is Ken Paxton,
the indicted Texas attorney general,
walking away with a stolen pen.
Vote Justin Nelson
for Texas attorney general.
He will fight on behalf of all Texans.
And he won't steal your pen.
Yeah,
that is pretty damning, isn't it?
It doesn't look good when
there's security footage
of you rooting around
in the metal detector bins
like a fucking raccoon
in the dumpster behind Popeye's.
But that pen story hasn't gone away,
to the point the Talarico campaign
brought it back in an ad this year,
with an extra little twist at the end.
After the police got involved,
Joe got his pen back.
He could have pressed charges,
but he decided against it.
Because Joe's a nice guy.
He'd never take someone else's pen.
But he also hasn't forgotten
who took his.
Hi, I'm Joe Joplin, and I endorse
James Talarico for the US Senate.
Vote for James Talarico.
He won't steal your pen.
Yeah, they got the owner of the pen
to endorse Talarico!
And fun fact, in a recent interview,
that guy apparently said
the first time he ever saw the video
of Ken Paxton stealing his pen
was, and this is true,
on this show!
Which is pretty wild to me,
given I don't usually deliver
personal news to individual viewers.
Though, while I'm at it,
Jacob R. in Bethesda, Maryland:
Debra's filing for divorce.
Apparently, you can have the dog,
she won't fight you on that.
And look, I know
that we have been here before:
an energizing Democrat attempts
to topple a Republican for Senate
and turn Texas blue. It happened
with Colin Allred two years ago,
Beto O'Rourke in 2018, both of whom
ultimately lost to Ted fucking Cruz.
And maybe Paxton
will come out on top here.
But I gotta say, it's gonna be tough
to win the people of Texas over.
The Times actually had a panel
this week of Trump voters
who were undecided in this race,
and when they were asked
to describe Paxton, their answers were,
"crook" "criminal, crook",
"crooked", "bad", "amoral",
"disgusting", "morally corrupt",
"disgusting", "corrupt"
and "womanizer, crook",
with the kindest review he got
being, "Controversial.
There's just so many things
that he's been accused of
and acquitted of.
And I took a more neutral
approach to your question.
So, controversial,
but more in a negative way."
They're by no means the only
Texans who are feeling that way.
Take this Republican voter
who spoke to PBS.
As far as Paxton goes, I will most
likely not vote for Paxton.
A lot of Republicans are just
not going to vote for that slot.
He's seeming
kind of dirty right now,
like a career politician that could
possibly be a used car salesman.
Okay, first,
that dog is simply too big.
He is floofy and he is perfect,
but he is too big.
I didn't know dogs
came in double-XL sizes.
He honestly looks more
like a man in a dog costume,
which actually raises the question:
which airline does he fly for?
But more importantly,
she is right about Paxton.
He's basically a used car salesman
who's trying to sell the state
a defective product.
And for the good of all Americans,
I guess we can only hope
that when Texans go to the polls
in November,
they do not fucking buy it.
And now, this.
And Now: People on TV
Having Fun With Fat Bear Week.
Well, get your brackets ready.
Fat Bear Week is back,
and it's bulkier than ever.
It's Fat Bear Week, and for
the record, Fox 45 is not bear-shaming.
This is a contest
that happens every year.
We're just reporting the news.
I always feel bad, though,
when we call him a fat bear.
- I know, but…
- What are you going to do?
It's the title.
Voting is open until next Tuesday,
and honestly,
this is the kind of election
that I can get excited about.
Forget the midterms.
I'm disappointed that they
don't have, like, real names.
As you were kind
of flipping through them,
it looked like
their names were numbers,
and as long as we're insulting
them by calling them all fat…
I feel like they at least deserve
the dignity of having a proper name,
and not just a number.
Joseph, what's your criteria for Fat
Bear Week? What are you looking for?
I don't know,
overall the shape and mass.
- Overall girth, if you will?
- Yeah.
Man, just, what a funny
thing that we do, you know?
Trying to figure out
how to segue into weather right now?
Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns Brazil.
Home to the Amazon, Sugarloaf
Mountain, and that giant statue of Jesus
doing an impression
of Kate Winslet in "Titanic".
Yes, Jesus, you are flying!
Next Sunday, Brazil has a major
election, when 160 million voters
will cast their ballots to elect
not just a president,
but state governors,
two-thirds of the senate,
and every lawmaker
in the lower house.
And as you may recall from our past
coverage of Brazilian elections,
down-ballot candidates there
can be very fun,
as they often give themselves
eye-catching nicknames.
This year, there's a candidate
calling himself "Mick Jagger",
which makes sense
'cause he looks like this.
There's also one who goes by "Shrek"
because he looks like this.
And one who goes by "Frodo"
because he looks like this.
But it is not just lower-level races
where things get weird.
There are also novelty candidates
for Brazil's presidency.
Take this guy, a veterinarian,
who's produced AI slop ads
showing him running a race
with a dog on his back,
surrounded by cats,
and pushing a stroller jam-packed with
a whole Jellicle Ball's worth of them,
while also wearing
a cat-filled BabyBjörn.
But to be fair, he also put out
a non-AI-slop video
in which he tried to explain
one of his big campaign promises.
My Botox, My Life is about supplying
botulinum toxin for low-income women.
Think of a woman you know
who's had a hard life
who looks tired and is even
ashamed to look in the mirror.
Self-esteem cannot be a luxury item
just for rich people. It can't be.
It has to be accessible to everyone.
Tag someone in the comments
who you think deserves
My Botox, My Life treatment.
"Tag a woman in the comments
who could benefit from some Botox
because you think they look tired."
I literally dare you to do that.
See what happens.
You may remember, we talked about
Brazil's last big election in 2022.
The country's then-president,
the far-right asshole Jair Bolsonaro,
was running for re-election.
He had long been a nightmare
of a human being,
doing things
like telling a female lawmaker,
"I would never rape you
because you don't deserve it",
and as president
did many terrible things,
not limited to overseeing
record destruction in the Amazon.
Now, thankfully, he lost that election
to Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva,
also known as Lula, who'd already
served two terms as president before.
And while Lula
is running again this year,
Jair Bolsonaro is actually
banned from doing that,
for reasons that we will get into.
Unfortunately, though,
his eldest son, Flávio,
is running in his place instead.
And as you can see, Flávio
looks a lot like his father,
if, that is, his father got some
of that veterinarian's free Botox.
And at times, he has gone out of his
way to emphasize their similarities.
I may be calmer, smile more, and
appear more peaceful and moderate,
but right here
runs Bolsonaro blood.
Well, that is the opposite
of reassuring, isn't it?
Look, "I know I might sometimes
appear nice and normal,
but don't worry, everyone,
I still have the blood
of an unhinged lunatic
running through my veins!
Vote for Flávio. I have all
the Bolsonaro fluids in here!"
The point is, yet again,
Brazil finds itself having to choose
between Lula and a guy named
Bolsonaro for president.
And many do not seem thrilled
that those are their main choices.
Who's winning the elections
this year, Lula or Flávio Bolsonaro?
I hope neither of those two.
Flávio Bolsonaro
or Lula for president?
Neither, buddy.
I'm not voting for anyone.
Nothing changes.
Only the flies change,
the filth stays the same.
Lula or Flávio Bolsonaro?
Neither. I'd rather
take a bullet to the head.
I know you might hate
both candidates,
but your third option shouldn't be
taking a bullet to the head.
If we have learned anything
from U.S. elections, and we haven't,
it's that your options are:
two candidates you dislike,
then Jill Stein,
then bullet to the head.
The point is, to the extent there are
strong feelings around this election,
they're mainly negative ones,
as around half of Brazilians say
they'd never vote for Lula
and a similar share
would never vote for Flávio.
But recently, Flávio does seem
to be surging in the polls.
Which is worrying, because that means
the world's fourth-largest democracy
and the home to, not insignificantly,
the rainforest
that is key to meeting
the world's climate goals
could, yet again, be run by a dangerous
dipshit named Bolsonaro.
So given all of that, let's talk about
Brazil's upcoming election tonight,
its main candidates,
and some of the extraordinary
baggage that they carry.
And we should probably start
with everything that's happened
since our last update.
In 2022, Lula beat Jair Bolsonaro
by less than two percentage points.
It was the narrowest margin
in a Brazilian presidential vote
since the fall of the military
dictatorship in 1985.
And Bolsonaro's reaction
was not ideal.
He never
formally acknowledged his defeat,
and even fled the country before
inauguration day and went to Orlando,
where he was later spotted
posing for selfies with fans
and waiting in line at a Publix.
Someone even caught him
sitting at a KFC,
eating fried chicken out of a box.
Which is pretty depressing, isn't it?
As that image reads
less "world leader"
and more "world's saddest Best Buy
employee on his lunch break."
Meanwhile, back in Brazil,
Bolsonaro's supporters
started protesting in droves,
asking the military
to overturn the election results.
And all of that fervor
culminated in this.
Tonight, democracy under attack
in Brazil.
Thousands of protesters
violently storming
the country's presidential offices and
Congress in the capital of Brasília,
in an attack eerily reminiscent
of what the insurrection at the U.S.
Capitol looked like two years ago.
Violent rioters battling with police,
firing tear gas in the air
as they vandalized
government offices,
all claiming Bolsonaro
didn't really lose the election.
Yeah, turns out history
doesn't repeat itself,
but sometimes
it does get dubbed in Portuguese.
That was basically
Brazil's January 6th,
which is easily the most upsetting
Brazilian version of an American idea
since "Vila Sesamo", its 1970s
adaptation of "Sesame Street"
that featured
a gaggle of absolute freaks
like this Oscar the Grouch knock-off
with raging pervert eyes named "Gugu",
this giant elephant
named "Funga-Funga"
with a trunk I can only
describe as "uncircumcised"
and this giant, feathery
nightmare named "Garibaldo".
I have to ask, is that what
our "Sesame Street" characters
look like to the rest of the world?
Because if so, I'm really sorry.
And while, remember,
Bolsonaro was in Florida at the time
inhaling poultry,
it soon came to light
that he and those around him
had done a little more than
just tacitly support those protests.
Bolsonaro was put formally under
investigation for inciting the riots.
And months later, the federal
police made a huge discovery:
that Bolsonaro wasn't just
inciting an insurrection,
he was actually planning
a full-on military coup.
Investigators found
throngs of documents,
and even one plan
to assassinate Moraes,
to assassinate
then-president-elect Lula
and his vice-president,
Geraldo Alckmin.
It was printed out on a computer
within the presidential palace
by a former military aide
of Bolsonaro.
Everything was very well-documented
and poorly disguised.
Yeah, they printed their plans out.
Which is smart, isn't it?
We all know the best way
to keep a military coup plot secret
is to create
an unnecessary paper trail.
Now, thankfully,
plans to overturn the election
and overtake the Supreme Court
collapsed, mainly because
the heads of two of the three
armed forces refused to take part.
And I should say,
Bolsonaro wasn't accused
of being involved
in the assassination part of that plot.
But once the broader evidence
of the coup plan came to light,
Brazil's Supreme Court
ordered Bolsonaro to stand trial,
found him guilty, and sentenced him
to 27 years and three months in prison.
That is why he cannot run
for president again.
But interestingly,
he's actually not in prison right now,
as after less than four months inside,
he got permission to serve the rest
of his sentence under house arrest,
because of his failing health.
Bolsonaro is no stranger to making
headlines for medical issues.
He famously tested positive for Covid
after railing against Covid precautions.
But on top of that,
he once told the press
his bladder stone
was "bigger than a bean",
his doctors revealed he'd had a bowel
obstruction caused by unchewed shrimp
and he's been hospitalized
not once, not twice,
but three separate times
because of hiccups.
So, this is a guy
not without medical issues.
But I will say, allowing him
to be under house arrest
is placing an awful lot of trust
in someone
who, shortly prior to having
to report to prison, did this.
Since being convicted of attempted
coup back in September,
Bolsonaro has been
under house arrest.
But a midnight alert from
his electronic ankle monitor
triggered security teams
to come inspect the device.
And then Bolsonaro admitted
on video
that he had used a soldering iron
to try to open it.
- Did you use anything to burn it?
- I stuck a hot iron on it here.
- A hot iron?
- Out of curiosity.
- What kind of iron? A clothes iron?
- No, a soldering iron, for soldering.
I don't know
what is weirder about that:
the fact that he thought
he could disable his ankle monitor,
or that he thought
a soldering iron was how to do it.
That is dangerous behavior for anyone,
but especially someone
who, history has shown,
could start having medical-grade
hiccups at any moment.
And look, if you're seeing
a lot of parallels to Trump here,
an authoritarian leader
who lost an election
only to then go sulk in Florida
and plot his revenge,
you're not alone in that.
Trump clearly sees a reflection
of his own experiences in all of this,
and during Bolsonaro's trial,
he even seemed
to try to sway the outcome.
This morning, a major escalation in
President Trump's global trade war,
with the president releasing a letter
announcing a 50% tariff on imports
from Brazil,
starting August 1st.
Mr. Trump specifically pointing
to the ongoing prosecution
of one of his long-time allies,
former president, Jair Bolsonaro.
The president calling Bolsonaro's trial
before the Brazilian Supreme Court,
quote, "a witch hunt
that should end immediately."
Yeah, of course he called it that.
Trump overuses the term "witch hunt",
the way the internet
overuses the word "iconic".
Your newborn is not iconic,
a contestant on "The Traitors"
wearing a hat is not iconic,
the dog from "Anatomy of a Fall"
taking a shit on the sidewalk
is not "instant icon behavior",
the more you use that term,
the less it means.
And it wasn't just tariffs.
Trump's administration even targeted
Brazilian Supreme Court judges,
revoking their U.S. visas
and issuing financial sanctions.
But interestingly, all those actions
may actually end up backfiring.
Because on the campaign trail,
Lula has turned rallying against Trump
into one of his biggest
applause lines.
Here in Brazil,
we don't accept that anyone sticks
their nose into our business
because Brazil knows
how to take care of itself.
There are too many people
sticking their noses into our business
and trying
to lay their hands on our land.
That's going to stop.
I have already
told Trump over the phone:
don't meddle in Brazilian elections,
because if you do, you will lose.
Yeah, that is a strong message
that is only slightly undercut
by the fact it's being delivered
by a man who looks like his style icon
is Perry the Platypus.
But the thing is, it has worked!
Lula's actually seen a noticeable
boost in popularity
whenever
he's denounced Trump's tariffs
as infringements
on Brazilian sovereignty.
And to be honest,
he could do with the help.
Because if Bolsonaro
is reminiscent of Trump,
Lula can, unfortunately, be pretty
reminiscent of Joe Biden,
and not just
because both men have
big "I've got a Werther's Original
in my pocket" energy.
Like Biden, he's a career politician
who's generally governed
as a center-left pragmatist,
prioritizing social programs
and supporting oil drilling
in the Amazon
while still
curbing deforestation there.
Also, he's had to navigate
real concerns over his age,
although, I will say,
he's been a lot more proactive
on that score than Biden ever was.
At 80 years old, the former
factory worker is eager to show
that his age is just a number.
You can cut
your healthcare costs in half,
if you do what nature tells you
to do, I've learned that.
That's why, my dear comrades,
I'm in great shape.
His secret? Exercise.
In recent months, Lula has been sharing
a steady stream of workout
videos on social media.
Well, I think I speak for everyone
when I say, that is truly inspiring,
specifically, it is inspiring me
to stay the fuck off of Instagram
so I don't run the risk
of seeing an 80-year-old
with his pits out filming
geriatric thirst traps.
And honestly, that doesn't
even give you the full sense
of just how weird
his workout videos are.
Because imagine
scrolling social media in Brazil
and suddenly hitting this.
That is all very strange coming
from a world leader,
but I think my favorite moment
is the thousand-yard stare he does
while doing curls, as if to say,
"You know what, maybe
this isn't actually worth it."
The problem for Lula
is that many voters see him as
an establishment candidate,
and even though unemployment
is currently at its lowest level
since 2012, affordability remains
a major issue for voters there.
And as you've seen,
he's now facing a significant
challenge from Flávio Bolsonaro,
who is not only half his age,
but who's also tried to present himself
as basically his father,
but without the baggage.
He's called himself
"a vaccinated Bolsonaro".
And has even tried to counter
his dad's famous history of misogyny
by running campaign ads like this.
Everyone knows my father, right?
But look, my daughters, my wife,
and my mother are the ones
who made me exactly the way I am.
My father worked very hard,
always worked very hard.
I spent most of my time
with my mother.
She passed on her worldview,
her way, her sensitivity.
Then I met Fernanda,
the woman of my life.
I even refer to her as my life,
my eternal girlfriend,
a very competent dentist.
I mean, it's pretty weird landing
on the dentist comment there.
Although, I almost wish
he'd kept shoehorning in his wife's
professional credentials.
She's my life, my eternal girlfriend,
a competent dentist.
She's my soulmate and adept
at identifying gingivitis.
She's my guiding light and has
flossed thousands of strangers.
Though even as Flávio tries to present
a softer side in his ads,
you've already seen him claiming
his veins are full of Bolsonaro blood,
which as we all know now, probably
contains at least one unchewed shrimp.
And he's gone out of his way
to include his dad in his rallies.
Now, not physically including him,
that's impossible, as remember,
he's under house arrest.
And not including him on video,
as he's also been banned from
communicating with the public.
Instead, he's tried
this clever work-around.
What you are seeing here
is not me.
This is a simulation of my image
and voice made with AI.
As everyone here knows,
I am imprisoned and silenced
by an unjust and arbitrary decision
based on something I never did.
That is both creepy
and very dumb, though, I will say,
it is hard for me to judge AI Bolsonaro
for looking exhausted
while complaining in a white void,
as frankly, we have all been there.
And the fact is, Flávio's similarities
to his dad are pretty concerning.
Like him, he's said some deeply
shitty things about gay people,
including,
"Being homosexual isn't normal"
and "I'm very sincere when I say
that I don't like seeing
two bearded men kissing,
I find it disgusting."
Which does beg the question:
twinks are okay though?
He defended the military dictatorship
that ran Brazil for 21 years, saying,
"Back then there was security,
healthcare, quality education, respect."
Which is a bold thing to say
about a regime that killed and
tortured its political opponents.
And more recently,
he's aligned himself
with right-wing world leaders
like Benjamin Netanyahu
and Argentina's President Javier Milei,
and on crime, he has said,
"The only way is to be
heavy-handed",
and has proposed
building five new prisons
"based on the model
adopted by El Salvador",
the place with the infamously
brutal gulag where Kristi Noem went
for her fun photoshoot.
But maybe the biggest similarity
between Flávio and his dad
concerns their rich history
of being connected to scandals.
And rather than
getting into all of them,
I just want to focus
on the most recent,
which involves
a movie called "Dark Horse".
It's basically a feature-length
propaganda film about Jair Bolsonaro,
centering on the incident in 2018,
when he was stabbed during a rally.
It stars Jim Caviezel,
who you may know
as the guy from "The Passion
of the Christ", "Sound of Freedom"
and the very real headline,
"Caviezel Emulates 'Braveheart' Speech
to Cheering Crowd
at QAnon Convention."
Here is just a taste of the trailer
that leaked earlier this year.
My name is Jair Bolsonaro.
I am father, husband, and now
I am running for president.
How about this crowd?
Will you have a speech?
To foreigners, to environmentalists,
to Hollywood pedophiles,
this country isn't theirs.
It's ours.
Our nation, Brazil, is at stake!
What's happening?
Considering the severity
of the situation…
Doctor. God is with him!
Okay,
so there is clearly a lot there.
First, you'll notice
the entire movie is in English,
yet Jim Caviezel's opting
to do that accent anyway.
He is running for president.
As for him saying
he was standing up to
"foreigners, environmentalists
and Hollywood pedophiles",
I'm not sure exactly why Hollywood
pedophiles got a mention there,
though to be fair, it never hurts
to toss them onto your list of enemies.
It's why you can expect promotional
material for next season of this show
to read "'Last Week Tonight':
The Most Hated Show Among Liars,
Racists, Scammers
and Hollywood Pedophiles."
Because what are you gonna do?
Tell me I'm wrong about that?
Go ahead, do it!
In fact, any Hollywood pedophiles
who are offended right now,
please sound off in the comments,
like and subscribe, and as always,
do remember to tag a woman
who looks tired.
Everything about this movie,
from the fact it was made at all,
to the fact that Flávio Bolsonaro,
who, remember, looks like this,
is played by a guy who looks like this,
feels like a crime against cinema.
But it turns out, that's not the only
sort of crime it might be,
as the news in Brazil has been
utterly dominated by stories
covering investigations into
the financing of "Dark Horse"
and the movie's ties to a much larger
scandal concerning Banco Master,
a failed lender now under investigation
in a 10 billion bank fraud case.
Very basically, it turns out,
a big chunk of the movie's financing
apparently came from a disgraced
banker there named Daniel Vorcaro,
who was arrested in March
on suspicion of leading
the whole Banco Master fraud scheme.
Think of him
as Brazil's Bernie Madoff
if Bernie Madoff was also built
like a linebacker and hot as shit.
Vorcaro apparently promised Flávio
a whopping 24 million dollars
to help produce "Dark Horse".
And while it's believed he ultimately
forked over only half of that money,
there are still understandable questions
regarding where the money then went.
Because based on the trailer,
it sure doesn't seem
like much of it
made its way onto the screen.
And while Flávio initially claimed
he had "no association with Vorcaro",
that didn't last long, once messages
between them started coming out.
Exchanged messages reveal that
senator and presidential pre-candidate
for the PL Party, Flávio Bolsonaro,
persistently asked for money
from Daniel Vorcaro,
owner of Banco Master,
for a transfer of four million reals
to finance the biopic
of former President Jair Bolsonaro,
titled "Dark Horse".
Yeah, that doesn't look great,
does it?
Nor does it look great that,
the day before Vorcaro was arrested
trying to fly to Dubai,
Flávio was texting him,
"Brother, I am
and will always be with you."
Which is a weirdly intimate message
to send to someone you have
no association with.
Honestly, it'd be a weirdly intimate
message to send to anyone at all.
I mean, I do get it,
the guy's a business beefcake.
But still, let's turn it down
a notch, shall we?
Flávio maintains that nothing concerning
the film's funding was criminal,
and that he only took Vorcaro's money
because "the film was already underway,
and I didn't want
this work of art to be lost."
But calling this film "art" is
stretching that term to breaking point.
Now, granted, I have not seen it.
But luckily, I have read
a leaked draft of the screenplay.
And it features some truly
incredible dialogue,
with Bolsonaro saying lines
like, "Same shit, new toilet"
and "Rumors are like farts,
they come from assholes."
And the film apparently opens
with a scene
where a female reporter
says to Bolsonaro,
"You love your wife, your children.
I'm sure you revere the holy family
and all the saints,
get weepy at baptisms, weddings
and funerals, but underneath
all that, what are you?"
To which he apparently replies,
"Something you've never
encountered. A man."
Which already feels like a line
from a bad porn film
before you learn that after that line,
the screenplay apparently reads,
"She is thrown
by the penetration of this."
And that is not even
a line of dialogue,
that's an instruction for how
the actress should react!
And I have no idea how you are
even supposed to do that,
and I will remind you,
that is coming from someone
who has acted twice.
But reading the screenplay
does make it clear
what a shameless propaganda piece
this movie was intended to be,
given that it turns Jair's stabbing,
which all investigations concluded
was done by a lone individual,
into a conspiracy among the elites,
the Supreme Court
and a fictional far-left party.
So, this suspiciously
expensive movie
was clearly designed to reset Jair
Bolsonaro's image among Brazilians,
and in doing so,
boost Flávio's campaign.
Which is what makes it so funny
that, amid all of the controversy,
its distributor postponed the film's
release until after the election.
Flávio's not gonna get any of the
propaganda benefits of "Dark Horse",
but he's still having to deal with
the scandal around its financing.
As this story has been
absolutely huge in Brazil.
People have been poring
through documents
about its production and financing,
which means, if nothing else,
we have learned
some fun details like this.
According
to the production company
behind the film depicting the life
of former president Jair Bolsonaro,
the wig worn by actor Jim Caviezel,
who plays Jair Bolsonaro,
was rented for 10,000 reals.
The expense description
reads "wig rental, Jim."
Now,
in case you are wondering,
that amount converts
to just under 2,000 dollars.
And first, that is entirely
too much for that wig.
It looks like it was bought at a Spirit
Halloween on November 1st.
But also, I'm sorry, rental?
Does that mean that they returned it?
Is there someone in Brazil walking
around right now in that thing,
looking like Rachel Maddow got put
through the washing machine?
"Dark Horse" has, understandably,
become a punchline in Brazil.
There are now people holding up signs
asking where the money spent on it went
and at one concert
by a Brazilian pop star,
someone literally dressed up
as a dark horse
and threw money out
at the audience.
And while I'm assuming
that is a political protest,
it actually might be one of the stars
of Brazilian "Sesame Street".
It could technically be The Count.
Nothing's off limits!
The broader Banco Master scandal
is still getting bigger every day
and it's spreading
in some unexpected directions.
For instance, it emerged recently
that Vorcaro may've been in contact
with this justice
on Brazil's Supreme Court,
who actually oversaw Jair Bolsonaro's
trial and imprisonment.
And while
that judge denies wrongdoing,
he's widely seen
as a close ally of Lula,
a fact that, unfortunately,
Flávio and his supporters
are using to "both-sides" this scandal
to try and mitigate the damage here.
So, despite everything
that you have seen tonight,
the truth is, Flávio still has a very
real chance to win this election,
which is not good.
He's already vowed
to pardon his father if elected,
and while
the Supreme Court's ruled
that pardons cannot be used
to protect a political ally,
it is worth knowing that Brazil's next
president will have the opportunity
to appoint at least three, maybe four
of the Supreme Court's 11 justices.
Look, this is going to be
an incredibly tight race.
According to recent polling,
it's likely neither candidate ends up
securing more than 50% of
the vote in the first round,
in which case there will then be
a runoff election on October 25th.
So, there is clearly a lot
at stake in Brazil right now.
I'm not just saying that because
I'm not a big fan of the Bolsonaros,
which is about as much of an
understatement as me saying,
"The movie 'Dark Horse'
probably won't win an Oscar."
But I also think they're a family
clearly out for revenge,
and unfortunately,
the current U.S. administration
appears very happy
to help them get it.
And I know that the only thing
more annoying than me ending a story
telling you to go vote is me telling
you to go vote if you are in Brazil,
especially since voting
there is actually mandatory.
So, all I'll say is, hopefully,
next Sunday,
Lula's message of defiance
and gym lunges
will end up gaining a lot more traction
than Flávio's fearmongering
and flagrant daddy issues.
We can all only hope that, if
the voters there do reject Flávio,
the Bolsonaro family won't
just accept the results,
they'll, to quote one
of the worst screenplays I've ever seen,
be thrown by the penetration of it.
And now, this.
And Now:
Greg Kelly Wants To Know:
Have You Seen This Movie?
People commit crime through
the ordinary mail all the time.
Who saw the movie "The Firm"?
It's an old one. Can you believe it?
Tom Cruise is freaked out
by that Memphis law firm?
Looks like something out
of that movie "Carrie".
Anybody see "Carrie",
the girl with telekinesis
at the high school
and ruins the prom?
Who has seen the movie "Stripes"?
I love that movie,
with Bill Murray and the rest.
"Stripes", anybody?
Anybody remember the movie
"Trading Places"? Fantastic!
Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy
and they trade places.
So good.
Have you ever seen that movie,
"U.S. Marshals",
with, I don't know,
the same guy from "The Fugitive".
What was his name again?
What was that movie? "Big"?
Tom Hanks got up in the car?
Who saw "Forrest Gump"?
Anybody remember that movie?
Anybody remember what happened
at the Lincoln Memorial?
Everybody knows
you can't swim in that thing,
and they only did it because
they were madly in love
and they hadn't seen each other
and Forrest was safe,
and you know
what happens next.
What does happen next?
Did they get married?
They have a kid! I remember
that vaguely and I think she dies.
Yeah, she dies.
That's our show,
thanks so much for watching,
we'll see you next week,
good night!
END OF EPISODE 24,
SEASON 13
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight".
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week!
The UN General Assembly took place,
the lieutenant governor of New Jersey
resigned amid scandal.
And in the Senate,
Tommy Tuberville spoke
about what he considers
a grave threat to Americans.
Many airline pilots,
flight attendants
and air traffic controllers
are part of the furry community.
When you walk
onto a commercial flight,
it's possible
that the pilot flying your plane
could have a deranged fetish
of dressing up like an animal.
You can't make this up.
I think you just did.
Because first, I don't believe
that there's an epidemic
of furries working as airline
personnel, and frankly, if there were,
Tuberville would not be
the one to break that news,
I think we all know,
this guy would.
But also, who gives a shit?
There's a war going on right now.
This is not a real problem.
Until a plane crashes
and the cause turns out to be
"pilot watching Mr. Tumnus fancams
on mute with his hand down his pants",
I think we can safely put this one
on the back burner.
Meanwhile, midterm elections
are fast approaching,
and several polls have Democrats
with a double-digit lead
on the generic ballots.
One race surprisingly in play
is the one for Senate in Texas,
where Republican Ken Paxton,
a man who bears a striking resemblance
to a raw Mr. Potato Head,
is trailing in the polls
against Democrat James Talarico,
or, as Trump refers to him…
Talafreako.
Yeah, I get it. I mean,
what can you really say there?
Even a rotting fruit's
still got some juice.
Talarico leading in the polls
is clearly a big deal,
especially since Paxton
has Trump's endorsement.
Although it is not always
easy to tell that,
given how Trump
tends to talk about him.
We have a guy named Ken Paxton.
And some people don't like
the way he dresses
or some people don't like
the way he interviews or talks.
He may not dress right,
he may not talk exactly perfectly,
and he may not be
the best-looking guy I've ever seen.
So, Ken Paxton, you might
not like the way he dresses,
and I say this, it's so insulting
to him, but I might as well say it.
You might not like the way he looks.
You might not love his look.
You might not love
his television interviews.
But he was the best attorney
general in the country, perhaps,
he was one of the best
in the entire country,
and that speaks a lot louder
than the suit he's wearing
that doesn't look so great.
It is tough to pick a favorite part,
but I think mine is the sentence,
"It's so insulting to him,
but I might as well say it."
Yeah, you definitely might as well,
given it seems you've already
said it 400 different times.
But Paxton's shitty suits
are the least of his problems.
He has a lot of baggage.
Just listen to this attack ad
that was run against him
earlier this year.
Crooked Ken Paxton
cheated on his wife.
She's divorcing him
on biblical grounds.
So now Paxton's wrecking
another home,
sleeping around
with a married mother of seven.
And remember this: crooked Ken
has increased his net worth
by as much as 7,000%
since taking office.
Now think of the Paxton dirty deeds
we don't know about yet.
The wife-cheater and fraud,
or the Texas workhorse?
Yeah, that ad was run by
John Cornyn, a fellow Republican,
during the primary.
It was co-sponsored by the Senate
Republican Campaign Committee.
And while it's pretty effective,
I will say,
I have never wanted to do
anything less
than think of the Paxton dirty deeds
we don't know about.
You already just made me
picture this guy having sex,
I think we're good, thanks.
The point is, to say Ken Paxton's
unpopular within his own party
is an understatement.
And it is not because
he's not conservative enough.
He sued the Biden administration
106 times,
tried to classify gender-affirming
care as "child abuse"
and on the day Roe v. Wade
was overturned, he tweeted,
"I'm closing my office
and making it an annual holiday."
And what would you even call
that holiday, other than…
You know what, I've got it,
"Mandatory Labor Day"!
And yet, many Republicans
absolutely hate him.
Just this week, we learned
George W. Bush was raising money
for prominent Republicans,
except Ken Paxton.
And during the Republican primary,
this is how Senator Thom Tillis
described him.
And to call Paxton
"ethically challenged"
is to call Jeffrey Dahmer
sufferating from an eating disorder.
Those are some strong words from
a member of Paxton's own party,
even if he did fuck up
his Dahmer joke by saying
"sufferating" instead of "suffering".
If you're coming to an interview
with a prepared joke,
you cannot bungle it on
the deliverary. You just can't do it.
But when he said "ethically challenged"
there, he wasn't kidding.
Paxton spent nearly nine years
under indictment for securities fraud,
before the charges were dropped
in a deal in which he paid
"nearly 300,000 dollars
in restitution to his victims"
and agreed to complete
"100 hours of community service"
"and 15 hours
of legal ethics education."
Which is just an amazing thing
for a state AG to have to do.
Not just that,
he was also accused of bribery
and abuse of office by eight
of his own top deputies.
And while he was never charged
with a crime there,
he was later impeached by
the Republican-controlled Texas House.
Now, the Senate later acquitted him,
but by then,
Paxton had fired four of the staffers
who'd reported him,
which led to a lawsuit claiming he'd
violated the state's Whistleblower Act,
and eventually, Texas taxpayers
had to pay over 6 million dollars
to those staffers
Paxton had fired.
And while it's not strictly relevant,
on top of all of that,
you should know, he also
once posted this image on 9/11
to commemorate
the day of the attacks.
And what the fuck is that?
It looks like
a Norman Rockwell painting
if he was kind of
rooting for the plane.
And among my many issues
with it: red Solo cups?
At 8:46 AM?
Sure, they had a rough day,
but not at that point.
That post is an incredibly
bad look for Paxton,
which, as Trump will happily tell you,
is a very high bar to clear.
But wait,
'cause I'm still not done.
As reporting recently emerged
about the acquisition of 15 properties
worth about 9 million dollars by Paxton
and trusts associated with him.
That led to claims he'd omitted
rental income and mortgages
from financial disclosures,
obscuring his wealth,
and that, incredibly, he also
appears to have used an address
where he did not live
while voting in six elections.
All of which throw a bit of a wrench
into his efforts to present himself
as a law-and-order candidate
at events like this one.
They've made a lot about the reports
that have come out,
one in the New York Times
about you acquiring properties…
Jack, can we keep this
to law enforcement, please?
I'm giving you the opportunity today
to answer the question…
I'd like that those who are here
with the sheriffs,
I'd like to keep today
to law enforcement,
so that's what I'm gonna answer,
questions on law enforcement.
Did you want to go?
Will you answer questions about
why you voted in Collin County?
So, we're just going to do
questions on law enforcement today,
because we're joined with 22
amazing law enforcement officers.
Okay, but I feel like that question
was about law enforcement.
It was literally about the enforcement
of laws that Paxton may've broken.
It's not like that reporter
just asked,
"This is actually for any of those
guys behind Ken right now:
did you call each other this
morning to decide what to wear
or was this all just a coincidence?
I can't leave without knowing."
Even Paxton's pettiest scandals
have long haunted him.
We actually showed you this
attack ad against him back in 2018,
but it really is worth
seeing again.
This is the Collin County courthouse
where a Dallas attorney
accidentally left a 1,000 dollar pen
at the metal detectors.
This is Ken Paxton, the indicted
Texas attorney general,
rummaging through
the metal detector trays
and stealing that 1,000 dollar pen.
And this is Ken Paxton,
the indicted Texas attorney general,
walking away with a stolen pen.
Vote Justin Nelson
for Texas attorney general.
He will fight on behalf of all Texans.
And he won't steal your pen.
Yeah,
that is pretty damning, isn't it?
It doesn't look good when
there's security footage
of you rooting around
in the metal detector bins
like a fucking raccoon
in the dumpster behind Popeye's.
But that pen story hasn't gone away,
to the point the Talarico campaign
brought it back in an ad this year,
with an extra little twist at the end.
After the police got involved,
Joe got his pen back.
He could have pressed charges,
but he decided against it.
Because Joe's a nice guy.
He'd never take someone else's pen.
But he also hasn't forgotten
who took his.
Hi, I'm Joe Joplin, and I endorse
James Talarico for the US Senate.
Vote for James Talarico.
He won't steal your pen.
Yeah, they got the owner of the pen
to endorse Talarico!
And fun fact, in a recent interview,
that guy apparently said
the first time he ever saw the video
of Ken Paxton stealing his pen
was, and this is true,
on this show!
Which is pretty wild to me,
given I don't usually deliver
personal news to individual viewers.
Though, while I'm at it,
Jacob R. in Bethesda, Maryland:
Debra's filing for divorce.
Apparently, you can have the dog,
she won't fight you on that.
And look, I know
that we have been here before:
an energizing Democrat attempts
to topple a Republican for Senate
and turn Texas blue. It happened
with Colin Allred two years ago,
Beto O'Rourke in 2018, both of whom
ultimately lost to Ted fucking Cruz.
And maybe Paxton
will come out on top here.
But I gotta say, it's gonna be tough
to win the people of Texas over.
The Times actually had a panel
this week of Trump voters
who were undecided in this race,
and when they were asked
to describe Paxton, their answers were,
"crook" "criminal, crook",
"crooked", "bad", "amoral",
"disgusting", "morally corrupt",
"disgusting", "corrupt"
and "womanizer, crook",
with the kindest review he got
being, "Controversial.
There's just so many things
that he's been accused of
and acquitted of.
And I took a more neutral
approach to your question.
So, controversial,
but more in a negative way."
They're by no means the only
Texans who are feeling that way.
Take this Republican voter
who spoke to PBS.
As far as Paxton goes, I will most
likely not vote for Paxton.
A lot of Republicans are just
not going to vote for that slot.
He's seeming
kind of dirty right now,
like a career politician that could
possibly be a used car salesman.
Okay, first,
that dog is simply too big.
He is floofy and he is perfect,
but he is too big.
I didn't know dogs
came in double-XL sizes.
He honestly looks more
like a man in a dog costume,
which actually raises the question:
which airline does he fly for?
But more importantly,
she is right about Paxton.
He's basically a used car salesman
who's trying to sell the state
a defective product.
And for the good of all Americans,
I guess we can only hope
that when Texans go to the polls
in November,
they do not fucking buy it.
And now, this.
And Now: People on TV
Having Fun With Fat Bear Week.
Well, get your brackets ready.
Fat Bear Week is back,
and it's bulkier than ever.
It's Fat Bear Week, and for
the record, Fox 45 is not bear-shaming.
This is a contest
that happens every year.
We're just reporting the news.
I always feel bad, though,
when we call him a fat bear.
- I know, but…
- What are you going to do?
It's the title.
Voting is open until next Tuesday,
and honestly,
this is the kind of election
that I can get excited about.
Forget the midterms.
I'm disappointed that they
don't have, like, real names.
As you were kind
of flipping through them,
it looked like
their names were numbers,
and as long as we're insulting
them by calling them all fat…
I feel like they at least deserve
the dignity of having a proper name,
and not just a number.
Joseph, what's your criteria for Fat
Bear Week? What are you looking for?
I don't know,
overall the shape and mass.
- Overall girth, if you will?
- Yeah.
Man, just, what a funny
thing that we do, you know?
Trying to figure out
how to segue into weather right now?
Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns Brazil.
Home to the Amazon, Sugarloaf
Mountain, and that giant statue of Jesus
doing an impression
of Kate Winslet in "Titanic".
Yes, Jesus, you are flying!
Next Sunday, Brazil has a major
election, when 160 million voters
will cast their ballots to elect
not just a president,
but state governors,
two-thirds of the senate,
and every lawmaker
in the lower house.
And as you may recall from our past
coverage of Brazilian elections,
down-ballot candidates there
can be very fun,
as they often give themselves
eye-catching nicknames.
This year, there's a candidate
calling himself "Mick Jagger",
which makes sense
'cause he looks like this.
There's also one who goes by "Shrek"
because he looks like this.
And one who goes by "Frodo"
because he looks like this.
But it is not just lower-level races
where things get weird.
There are also novelty candidates
for Brazil's presidency.
Take this guy, a veterinarian,
who's produced AI slop ads
showing him running a race
with a dog on his back,
surrounded by cats,
and pushing a stroller jam-packed with
a whole Jellicle Ball's worth of them,
while also wearing
a cat-filled BabyBjörn.
But to be fair, he also put out
a non-AI-slop video
in which he tried to explain
one of his big campaign promises.
My Botox, My Life is about supplying
botulinum toxin for low-income women.
Think of a woman you know
who's had a hard life
who looks tired and is even
ashamed to look in the mirror.
Self-esteem cannot be a luxury item
just for rich people. It can't be.
It has to be accessible to everyone.
Tag someone in the comments
who you think deserves
My Botox, My Life treatment.
"Tag a woman in the comments
who could benefit from some Botox
because you think they look tired."
I literally dare you to do that.
See what happens.
You may remember, we talked about
Brazil's last big election in 2022.
The country's then-president,
the far-right asshole Jair Bolsonaro,
was running for re-election.
He had long been a nightmare
of a human being,
doing things
like telling a female lawmaker,
"I would never rape you
because you don't deserve it",
and as president
did many terrible things,
not limited to overseeing
record destruction in the Amazon.
Now, thankfully, he lost that election
to Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva,
also known as Lula, who'd already
served two terms as president before.
And while Lula
is running again this year,
Jair Bolsonaro is actually
banned from doing that,
for reasons that we will get into.
Unfortunately, though,
his eldest son, Flávio,
is running in his place instead.
And as you can see, Flávio
looks a lot like his father,
if, that is, his father got some
of that veterinarian's free Botox.
And at times, he has gone out of his
way to emphasize their similarities.
I may be calmer, smile more, and
appear more peaceful and moderate,
but right here
runs Bolsonaro blood.
Well, that is the opposite
of reassuring, isn't it?
Look, "I know I might sometimes
appear nice and normal,
but don't worry, everyone,
I still have the blood
of an unhinged lunatic
running through my veins!
Vote for Flávio. I have all
the Bolsonaro fluids in here!"
The point is, yet again,
Brazil finds itself having to choose
between Lula and a guy named
Bolsonaro for president.
And many do not seem thrilled
that those are their main choices.
Who's winning the elections
this year, Lula or Flávio Bolsonaro?
I hope neither of those two.
Flávio Bolsonaro
or Lula for president?
Neither, buddy.
I'm not voting for anyone.
Nothing changes.
Only the flies change,
the filth stays the same.
Lula or Flávio Bolsonaro?
Neither. I'd rather
take a bullet to the head.
I know you might hate
both candidates,
but your third option shouldn't be
taking a bullet to the head.
If we have learned anything
from U.S. elections, and we haven't,
it's that your options are:
two candidates you dislike,
then Jill Stein,
then bullet to the head.
The point is, to the extent there are
strong feelings around this election,
they're mainly negative ones,
as around half of Brazilians say
they'd never vote for Lula
and a similar share
would never vote for Flávio.
But recently, Flávio does seem
to be surging in the polls.
Which is worrying, because that means
the world's fourth-largest democracy
and the home to, not insignificantly,
the rainforest
that is key to meeting
the world's climate goals
could, yet again, be run by a dangerous
dipshit named Bolsonaro.
So given all of that, let's talk about
Brazil's upcoming election tonight,
its main candidates,
and some of the extraordinary
baggage that they carry.
And we should probably start
with everything that's happened
since our last update.
In 2022, Lula beat Jair Bolsonaro
by less than two percentage points.
It was the narrowest margin
in a Brazilian presidential vote
since the fall of the military
dictatorship in 1985.
And Bolsonaro's reaction
was not ideal.
He never
formally acknowledged his defeat,
and even fled the country before
inauguration day and went to Orlando,
where he was later spotted
posing for selfies with fans
and waiting in line at a Publix.
Someone even caught him
sitting at a KFC,
eating fried chicken out of a box.
Which is pretty depressing, isn't it?
As that image reads
less "world leader"
and more "world's saddest Best Buy
employee on his lunch break."
Meanwhile, back in Brazil,
Bolsonaro's supporters
started protesting in droves,
asking the military
to overturn the election results.
And all of that fervor
culminated in this.
Tonight, democracy under attack
in Brazil.
Thousands of protesters
violently storming
the country's presidential offices and
Congress in the capital of Brasília,
in an attack eerily reminiscent
of what the insurrection at the U.S.
Capitol looked like two years ago.
Violent rioters battling with police,
firing tear gas in the air
as they vandalized
government offices,
all claiming Bolsonaro
didn't really lose the election.
Yeah, turns out history
doesn't repeat itself,
but sometimes
it does get dubbed in Portuguese.
That was basically
Brazil's January 6th,
which is easily the most upsetting
Brazilian version of an American idea
since "Vila Sesamo", its 1970s
adaptation of "Sesame Street"
that featured
a gaggle of absolute freaks
like this Oscar the Grouch knock-off
with raging pervert eyes named "Gugu",
this giant elephant
named "Funga-Funga"
with a trunk I can only
describe as "uncircumcised"
and this giant, feathery
nightmare named "Garibaldo".
I have to ask, is that what
our "Sesame Street" characters
look like to the rest of the world?
Because if so, I'm really sorry.
And while, remember,
Bolsonaro was in Florida at the time
inhaling poultry,
it soon came to light
that he and those around him
had done a little more than
just tacitly support those protests.
Bolsonaro was put formally under
investigation for inciting the riots.
And months later, the federal
police made a huge discovery:
that Bolsonaro wasn't just
inciting an insurrection,
he was actually planning
a full-on military coup.
Investigators found
throngs of documents,
and even one plan
to assassinate Moraes,
to assassinate
then-president-elect Lula
and his vice-president,
Geraldo Alckmin.
It was printed out on a computer
within the presidential palace
by a former military aide
of Bolsonaro.
Everything was very well-documented
and poorly disguised.
Yeah, they printed their plans out.
Which is smart, isn't it?
We all know the best way
to keep a military coup plot secret
is to create
an unnecessary paper trail.
Now, thankfully,
plans to overturn the election
and overtake the Supreme Court
collapsed, mainly because
the heads of two of the three
armed forces refused to take part.
And I should say,
Bolsonaro wasn't accused
of being involved
in the assassination part of that plot.
But once the broader evidence
of the coup plan came to light,
Brazil's Supreme Court
ordered Bolsonaro to stand trial,
found him guilty, and sentenced him
to 27 years and three months in prison.
That is why he cannot run
for president again.
But interestingly,
he's actually not in prison right now,
as after less than four months inside,
he got permission to serve the rest
of his sentence under house arrest,
because of his failing health.
Bolsonaro is no stranger to making
headlines for medical issues.
He famously tested positive for Covid
after railing against Covid precautions.
But on top of that,
he once told the press
his bladder stone
was "bigger than a bean",
his doctors revealed he'd had a bowel
obstruction caused by unchewed shrimp
and he's been hospitalized
not once, not twice,
but three separate times
because of hiccups.
So, this is a guy
not without medical issues.
But I will say, allowing him
to be under house arrest
is placing an awful lot of trust
in someone
who, shortly prior to having
to report to prison, did this.
Since being convicted of attempted
coup back in September,
Bolsonaro has been
under house arrest.
But a midnight alert from
his electronic ankle monitor
triggered security teams
to come inspect the device.
And then Bolsonaro admitted
on video
that he had used a soldering iron
to try to open it.
- Did you use anything to burn it?
- I stuck a hot iron on it here.
- A hot iron?
- Out of curiosity.
- What kind of iron? A clothes iron?
- No, a soldering iron, for soldering.
I don't know
what is weirder about that:
the fact that he thought
he could disable his ankle monitor,
or that he thought
a soldering iron was how to do it.
That is dangerous behavior for anyone,
but especially someone
who, history has shown,
could start having medical-grade
hiccups at any moment.
And look, if you're seeing
a lot of parallels to Trump here,
an authoritarian leader
who lost an election
only to then go sulk in Florida
and plot his revenge,
you're not alone in that.
Trump clearly sees a reflection
of his own experiences in all of this,
and during Bolsonaro's trial,
he even seemed
to try to sway the outcome.
This morning, a major escalation in
President Trump's global trade war,
with the president releasing a letter
announcing a 50% tariff on imports
from Brazil,
starting August 1st.
Mr. Trump specifically pointing
to the ongoing prosecution
of one of his long-time allies,
former president, Jair Bolsonaro.
The president calling Bolsonaro's trial
before the Brazilian Supreme Court,
quote, "a witch hunt
that should end immediately."
Yeah, of course he called it that.
Trump overuses the term "witch hunt",
the way the internet
overuses the word "iconic".
Your newborn is not iconic,
a contestant on "The Traitors"
wearing a hat is not iconic,
the dog from "Anatomy of a Fall"
taking a shit on the sidewalk
is not "instant icon behavior",
the more you use that term,
the less it means.
And it wasn't just tariffs.
Trump's administration even targeted
Brazilian Supreme Court judges,
revoking their U.S. visas
and issuing financial sanctions.
But interestingly, all those actions
may actually end up backfiring.
Because on the campaign trail,
Lula has turned rallying against Trump
into one of his biggest
applause lines.
Here in Brazil,
we don't accept that anyone sticks
their nose into our business
because Brazil knows
how to take care of itself.
There are too many people
sticking their noses into our business
and trying
to lay their hands on our land.
That's going to stop.
I have already
told Trump over the phone:
don't meddle in Brazilian elections,
because if you do, you will lose.
Yeah, that is a strong message
that is only slightly undercut
by the fact it's being delivered
by a man who looks like his style icon
is Perry the Platypus.
But the thing is, it has worked!
Lula's actually seen a noticeable
boost in popularity
whenever
he's denounced Trump's tariffs
as infringements
on Brazilian sovereignty.
And to be honest,
he could do with the help.
Because if Bolsonaro
is reminiscent of Trump,
Lula can, unfortunately, be pretty
reminiscent of Joe Biden,
and not just
because both men have
big "I've got a Werther's Original
in my pocket" energy.
Like Biden, he's a career politician
who's generally governed
as a center-left pragmatist,
prioritizing social programs
and supporting oil drilling
in the Amazon
while still
curbing deforestation there.
Also, he's had to navigate
real concerns over his age,
although, I will say,
he's been a lot more proactive
on that score than Biden ever was.
At 80 years old, the former
factory worker is eager to show
that his age is just a number.
You can cut
your healthcare costs in half,
if you do what nature tells you
to do, I've learned that.
That's why, my dear comrades,
I'm in great shape.
His secret? Exercise.
In recent months, Lula has been sharing
a steady stream of workout
videos on social media.
Well, I think I speak for everyone
when I say, that is truly inspiring,
specifically, it is inspiring me
to stay the fuck off of Instagram
so I don't run the risk
of seeing an 80-year-old
with his pits out filming
geriatric thirst traps.
And honestly, that doesn't
even give you the full sense
of just how weird
his workout videos are.
Because imagine
scrolling social media in Brazil
and suddenly hitting this.
That is all very strange coming
from a world leader,
but I think my favorite moment
is the thousand-yard stare he does
while doing curls, as if to say,
"You know what, maybe
this isn't actually worth it."
The problem for Lula
is that many voters see him as
an establishment candidate,
and even though unemployment
is currently at its lowest level
since 2012, affordability remains
a major issue for voters there.
And as you've seen,
he's now facing a significant
challenge from Flávio Bolsonaro,
who is not only half his age,
but who's also tried to present himself
as basically his father,
but without the baggage.
He's called himself
"a vaccinated Bolsonaro".
And has even tried to counter
his dad's famous history of misogyny
by running campaign ads like this.
Everyone knows my father, right?
But look, my daughters, my wife,
and my mother are the ones
who made me exactly the way I am.
My father worked very hard,
always worked very hard.
I spent most of my time
with my mother.
She passed on her worldview,
her way, her sensitivity.
Then I met Fernanda,
the woman of my life.
I even refer to her as my life,
my eternal girlfriend,
a very competent dentist.
I mean, it's pretty weird landing
on the dentist comment there.
Although, I almost wish
he'd kept shoehorning in his wife's
professional credentials.
She's my life, my eternal girlfriend,
a competent dentist.
She's my soulmate and adept
at identifying gingivitis.
She's my guiding light and has
flossed thousands of strangers.
Though even as Flávio tries to present
a softer side in his ads,
you've already seen him claiming
his veins are full of Bolsonaro blood,
which as we all know now, probably
contains at least one unchewed shrimp.
And he's gone out of his way
to include his dad in his rallies.
Now, not physically including him,
that's impossible, as remember,
he's under house arrest.
And not including him on video,
as he's also been banned from
communicating with the public.
Instead, he's tried
this clever work-around.
What you are seeing here
is not me.
This is a simulation of my image
and voice made with AI.
As everyone here knows,
I am imprisoned and silenced
by an unjust and arbitrary decision
based on something I never did.
That is both creepy
and very dumb, though, I will say,
it is hard for me to judge AI Bolsonaro
for looking exhausted
while complaining in a white void,
as frankly, we have all been there.
And the fact is, Flávio's similarities
to his dad are pretty concerning.
Like him, he's said some deeply
shitty things about gay people,
including,
"Being homosexual isn't normal"
and "I'm very sincere when I say
that I don't like seeing
two bearded men kissing,
I find it disgusting."
Which does beg the question:
twinks are okay though?
He defended the military dictatorship
that ran Brazil for 21 years, saying,
"Back then there was security,
healthcare, quality education, respect."
Which is a bold thing to say
about a regime that killed and
tortured its political opponents.
And more recently,
he's aligned himself
with right-wing world leaders
like Benjamin Netanyahu
and Argentina's President Javier Milei,
and on crime, he has said,
"The only way is to be
heavy-handed",
and has proposed
building five new prisons
"based on the model
adopted by El Salvador",
the place with the infamously
brutal gulag where Kristi Noem went
for her fun photoshoot.
But maybe the biggest similarity
between Flávio and his dad
concerns their rich history
of being connected to scandals.
And rather than
getting into all of them,
I just want to focus
on the most recent,
which involves
a movie called "Dark Horse".
It's basically a feature-length
propaganda film about Jair Bolsonaro,
centering on the incident in 2018,
when he was stabbed during a rally.
It stars Jim Caviezel,
who you may know
as the guy from "The Passion
of the Christ", "Sound of Freedom"
and the very real headline,
"Caviezel Emulates 'Braveheart' Speech
to Cheering Crowd
at QAnon Convention."
Here is just a taste of the trailer
that leaked earlier this year.
My name is Jair Bolsonaro.
I am father, husband, and now
I am running for president.
How about this crowd?
Will you have a speech?
To foreigners, to environmentalists,
to Hollywood pedophiles,
this country isn't theirs.
It's ours.
Our nation, Brazil, is at stake!
What's happening?
Considering the severity
of the situation…
Doctor. God is with him!
Okay,
so there is clearly a lot there.
First, you'll notice
the entire movie is in English,
yet Jim Caviezel's opting
to do that accent anyway.
He is running for president.
As for him saying
he was standing up to
"foreigners, environmentalists
and Hollywood pedophiles",
I'm not sure exactly why Hollywood
pedophiles got a mention there,
though to be fair, it never hurts
to toss them onto your list of enemies.
It's why you can expect promotional
material for next season of this show
to read "'Last Week Tonight':
The Most Hated Show Among Liars,
Racists, Scammers
and Hollywood Pedophiles."
Because what are you gonna do?
Tell me I'm wrong about that?
Go ahead, do it!
In fact, any Hollywood pedophiles
who are offended right now,
please sound off in the comments,
like and subscribe, and as always,
do remember to tag a woman
who looks tired.
Everything about this movie,
from the fact it was made at all,
to the fact that Flávio Bolsonaro,
who, remember, looks like this,
is played by a guy who looks like this,
feels like a crime against cinema.
But it turns out, that's not the only
sort of crime it might be,
as the news in Brazil has been
utterly dominated by stories
covering investigations into
the financing of "Dark Horse"
and the movie's ties to a much larger
scandal concerning Banco Master,
a failed lender now under investigation
in a 10 billion bank fraud case.
Very basically, it turns out,
a big chunk of the movie's financing
apparently came from a disgraced
banker there named Daniel Vorcaro,
who was arrested in March
on suspicion of leading
the whole Banco Master fraud scheme.
Think of him
as Brazil's Bernie Madoff
if Bernie Madoff was also built
like a linebacker and hot as shit.
Vorcaro apparently promised Flávio
a whopping 24 million dollars
to help produce "Dark Horse".
And while it's believed he ultimately
forked over only half of that money,
there are still understandable questions
regarding where the money then went.
Because based on the trailer,
it sure doesn't seem
like much of it
made its way onto the screen.
And while Flávio initially claimed
he had "no association with Vorcaro",
that didn't last long, once messages
between them started coming out.
Exchanged messages reveal that
senator and presidential pre-candidate
for the PL Party, Flávio Bolsonaro,
persistently asked for money
from Daniel Vorcaro,
owner of Banco Master,
for a transfer of four million reals
to finance the biopic
of former President Jair Bolsonaro,
titled "Dark Horse".
Yeah, that doesn't look great,
does it?
Nor does it look great that,
the day before Vorcaro was arrested
trying to fly to Dubai,
Flávio was texting him,
"Brother, I am
and will always be with you."
Which is a weirdly intimate message
to send to someone you have
no association with.
Honestly, it'd be a weirdly intimate
message to send to anyone at all.
I mean, I do get it,
the guy's a business beefcake.
But still, let's turn it down
a notch, shall we?
Flávio maintains that nothing concerning
the film's funding was criminal,
and that he only took Vorcaro's money
because "the film was already underway,
and I didn't want
this work of art to be lost."
But calling this film "art" is
stretching that term to breaking point.
Now, granted, I have not seen it.
But luckily, I have read
a leaked draft of the screenplay.
And it features some truly
incredible dialogue,
with Bolsonaro saying lines
like, "Same shit, new toilet"
and "Rumors are like farts,
they come from assholes."
And the film apparently opens
with a scene
where a female reporter
says to Bolsonaro,
"You love your wife, your children.
I'm sure you revere the holy family
and all the saints,
get weepy at baptisms, weddings
and funerals, but underneath
all that, what are you?"
To which he apparently replies,
"Something you've never
encountered. A man."
Which already feels like a line
from a bad porn film
before you learn that after that line,
the screenplay apparently reads,
"She is thrown
by the penetration of this."
And that is not even
a line of dialogue,
that's an instruction for how
the actress should react!
And I have no idea how you are
even supposed to do that,
and I will remind you,
that is coming from someone
who has acted twice.
But reading the screenplay
does make it clear
what a shameless propaganda piece
this movie was intended to be,
given that it turns Jair's stabbing,
which all investigations concluded
was done by a lone individual,
into a conspiracy among the elites,
the Supreme Court
and a fictional far-left party.
So, this suspiciously
expensive movie
was clearly designed to reset Jair
Bolsonaro's image among Brazilians,
and in doing so,
boost Flávio's campaign.
Which is what makes it so funny
that, amid all of the controversy,
its distributor postponed the film's
release until after the election.
Flávio's not gonna get any of the
propaganda benefits of "Dark Horse",
but he's still having to deal with
the scandal around its financing.
As this story has been
absolutely huge in Brazil.
People have been poring
through documents
about its production and financing,
which means, if nothing else,
we have learned
some fun details like this.
According
to the production company
behind the film depicting the life
of former president Jair Bolsonaro,
the wig worn by actor Jim Caviezel,
who plays Jair Bolsonaro,
was rented for 10,000 reals.
The expense description
reads "wig rental, Jim."
Now,
in case you are wondering,
that amount converts
to just under 2,000 dollars.
And first, that is entirely
too much for that wig.
It looks like it was bought at a Spirit
Halloween on November 1st.
But also, I'm sorry, rental?
Does that mean that they returned it?
Is there someone in Brazil walking
around right now in that thing,
looking like Rachel Maddow got put
through the washing machine?
"Dark Horse" has, understandably,
become a punchline in Brazil.
There are now people holding up signs
asking where the money spent on it went
and at one concert
by a Brazilian pop star,
someone literally dressed up
as a dark horse
and threw money out
at the audience.
And while I'm assuming
that is a political protest,
it actually might be one of the stars
of Brazilian "Sesame Street".
It could technically be The Count.
Nothing's off limits!
The broader Banco Master scandal
is still getting bigger every day
and it's spreading
in some unexpected directions.
For instance, it emerged recently
that Vorcaro may've been in contact
with this justice
on Brazil's Supreme Court,
who actually oversaw Jair Bolsonaro's
trial and imprisonment.
And while
that judge denies wrongdoing,
he's widely seen
as a close ally of Lula,
a fact that, unfortunately,
Flávio and his supporters
are using to "both-sides" this scandal
to try and mitigate the damage here.
So, despite everything
that you have seen tonight,
the truth is, Flávio still has a very
real chance to win this election,
which is not good.
He's already vowed
to pardon his father if elected,
and while
the Supreme Court's ruled
that pardons cannot be used
to protect a political ally,
it is worth knowing that Brazil's next
president will have the opportunity
to appoint at least three, maybe four
of the Supreme Court's 11 justices.
Look, this is going to be
an incredibly tight race.
According to recent polling,
it's likely neither candidate ends up
securing more than 50% of
the vote in the first round,
in which case there will then be
a runoff election on October 25th.
So, there is clearly a lot
at stake in Brazil right now.
I'm not just saying that because
I'm not a big fan of the Bolsonaros,
which is about as much of an
understatement as me saying,
"The movie 'Dark Horse'
probably won't win an Oscar."
But I also think they're a family
clearly out for revenge,
and unfortunately,
the current U.S. administration
appears very happy
to help them get it.
And I know that the only thing
more annoying than me ending a story
telling you to go vote is me telling
you to go vote if you are in Brazil,
especially since voting
there is actually mandatory.
So, all I'll say is, hopefully,
next Sunday,
Lula's message of defiance
and gym lunges
will end up gaining a lot more traction
than Flávio's fearmongering
and flagrant daddy issues.
We can all only hope that, if
the voters there do reject Flávio,
the Bolsonaro family won't
just accept the results,
they'll, to quote one
of the worst screenplays I've ever seen,
be thrown by the penetration of it.
And now, this.
And Now:
Greg Kelly Wants To Know:
Have You Seen This Movie?
People commit crime through
the ordinary mail all the time.
Who saw the movie "The Firm"?
It's an old one. Can you believe it?
Tom Cruise is freaked out
by that Memphis law firm?
Looks like something out
of that movie "Carrie".
Anybody see "Carrie",
the girl with telekinesis
at the high school
and ruins the prom?
Who has seen the movie "Stripes"?
I love that movie,
with Bill Murray and the rest.
"Stripes", anybody?
Anybody remember the movie
"Trading Places"? Fantastic!
Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy
and they trade places.
So good.
Have you ever seen that movie,
"U.S. Marshals",
with, I don't know,
the same guy from "The Fugitive".
What was his name again?
What was that movie? "Big"?
Tom Hanks got up in the car?
Who saw "Forrest Gump"?
Anybody remember that movie?
Anybody remember what happened
at the Lincoln Memorial?
Everybody knows
you can't swim in that thing,
and they only did it because
they were madly in love
and they hadn't seen each other
and Forrest was safe,
and you know
what happens next.
What does happen next?
Did they get married?
They have a kid! I remember
that vaguely and I think she dies.
Yeah, she dies.
That's our show,
thanks so much for watching,
we'll see you next week,
good night!
END OF EPISODE 24,
SEASON 13