The Simpsons s15e06 Episode Script

Today I am a Clown

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (GROANS) (HUMMING RING OF FIRE) (SINGING) Time to wizz in a foaming bowl of china (EXCLAIMS) A line for the bathroom? What gives? I don't know.
But whoever's in there is taking their sweet ol' time.
Son, can I have cuts? No! Back cuts? Okay.
Sweet.
Hey! Wait a minute.
If we're all out here, who's in there? (ALL GASP) Maggie's locked inside! Now calm down.
I'll just unlock it with this coat hanger.
Oh, God! It's baby blood! Don't worry.
I know just what to do.
(GROANING) Bart, you're not hitting hard enough! How did you get her out? I tried the coat hanger again.
I don't understand why we only try ideas once.
(DOORBELL RINGING) The door? Now I'll never get to pee.
Dr.
Hibbert? ls someone seriously ill? Oh, I wish! (LAUGHS) No, I'm here because of Bob Poochioni over there.
(GRUNTS IN CONFUSION) Two months ago, Santa's Little Helper paid a bootie call to my purebred poodle, Rosa Barks.
(CHUCKLES) And he had his eyes on her prize.
I'm gonna drop that analogy now.
ALL: Aw! Well, I'm glad you think they're cute because they're your problem now! You just lost a box, pal! Wait.
Santa's Little Helper had puppies before.
And then we got him neutered.
We did.
Homer took him.
Didn't you? Yeah Well Funny thing about that, on our way to the clinic, I decided to give him a night his wang would never forget.
So let's dance the last dance Let's dance the last dance Let's dance this last dance tonight Last dance Last dance for love Wanna play some air hockey? Three hundred and fifty dollars an hour.
You're on! I can't neuter you, boy.
Not after all we've been through.
But from now on, you better save your lovin' for the couch cushions.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) You broke our deal! We had an oral contract! Stop it! Stop it, stop it! You and Lisa better go find homes for these puppies.
And don't just dump them all off on some crazy lady.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (WHIMPERING) He's an irritable, walleyed, misfit, bastard! Just like Willie.
Hey, mister, would you like a puppy? No.
But I'll take one! Okay.
I'm going to cherish and care for this dog.
And there's nothing you can do to stop me! (LAUGHS) (TIRES SCREECHING) Seen it Bad Boring Saw it on the plane Rerun Rerun Telemundo Me Turned it down ABC Banned from the set Lame Lame Regis (GROANS) Let's see, champagne or Slim Fast? Boy, that really passes the time.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Want a puppy? He's at the peak of cuteness.
(CHUCKLES) You could nuzzle me all night.
That's enough.
I said that's enough! Well, look at this.
You dragged me back to my old neighborhood! And it hasn't changed a bit.
DSL! DSL! Who will buy my high-speed connections? Brazilian wax! Get your velvety smooth, Brazilian wax! Hey, the Jewish Walk of Fame! Here, go on Sandy Koufax.
I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur! I did five shows that night! Okay, boy.
Let's find my star.
(WHIMPERING) Albert Einstein, Lorne Michaels? Shari Lewis? Lamb Chop! Why ain't I here? I'm a bigger name than Chaim Potok! What is he? Some kind of Klingon? I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Well, of course you deserve a star, Krusty.
Let me just ask you a few questions.
Full name? Herschel Pinchas Yoracham Krustofski.
Good, good.
Circumcision? And then some! (CHUCKLES) Date of Bar Mitzvah? Well, I, uh You see, the truth is I never had one.
No Bar Mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man! Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith? Actually, I do.
Goodbye.
Krusty, what's wrong? I just found out I'm not Jewish.
Oh, I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing! Well, you're still my hero.
So what? Everything's changed.
I thought I was a self-hating Jew! But it turns out, I'm just a plain old anti-Semite! We have so much to discuss.
(GROANS) Now I know the reason my life is so empty.
I never had a Bar Mitzvah.
Cheer up, Krusty.
You're a clue in the People magazine crossword puzzle.
What more can a man want? Bart, the Bar Mitzvah is the most important event in a Jewish boy's life.
It's when he reads from the Torah and becomes a man.
The sweet little shikse's right.
Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy with a prostate the size of a goat's head! Krusty, your dad's a rabbi.
How could you not have had a Bar Mitzvah? Who knows? I've lived so hard, there's big gaps in my memory.
I remember learning to ride a bike, then pretty much nothing till right now.
Why don't we ask your dad? Yeah, right! My father will put this in a spiritual, philosophical context.
I'll tell you why you didn't have a Bar Mitzvah.
It's because you're a puts.
Everything is a joke to you.
I was afraid you'd make a mockery out of the whole ceremony, like you're making a mockery out of me right now.
Maybe I am but you can't argue with the laughs.
So what? It's not my job to make kids laugh.
Yes, it is.
You're a clown.
Oh, without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm nothing! (SOBBING) Krusty, you can still have your Bar Mitzvah, as an adult.
That'd be great.
Are you sure that's kosher? There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
How do you know all this stuff? I have a Jewish imaginary friend.
Her name is Rachel Cohen and she just got into Brandeis.
Wonderful! Hey, hey, kids! I got a confession to make.
Underneath all this plastic surgery, I am actually a Jew! And from now on, I'm embracing my faith! (CHEERING) What's not to like? Now I'll teach you my traditions, the way my people have passed them down for centuries, through animation! (READING BLESSING IN HEBREW) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) (GROANING) Mouse-l Tov! And that's what I believe in now! (LAUGHING) Krusty, that was a great show! Once I was clapping and the applause sign wasn't even on! Hey, that's great.
But I got a problem.
This schedule has me working on Saturdays.
That's the Sabbath! Well, we could tape two shows on Friday.
Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday! Even with the (INHALING) You know, smelling flowers? Such expensive flowers, filled with remorse.
Anyway, we gotta book a guest host! How about Jon Stewart? He's a son, a lover and a pundit rolled into one sexy package! (GROWLS) He'd be perfect! So forget it! I need a guest host so bad, he can never replace me.
I need someone who's not intelligent.
Not good-looking.
(EXCLAIMS) And so utterly repellent, he I'm your man! Man, are you unpleasant! You're in! (DOOR CLOSES) Children, I wish to announce that our show has undergone a reformatting.
(CHEERING) Let's get ready to listen quietly! Now tonight's guest host, the ultimate placeholder, Homer Simpson! Welcome to The Homer Simpson Show.
I'm your host, next card.
Homer Simpson, it's great to be here in, next card.
Springfield, my guests are Moe Szyslak, local businessman, Carl Carlson, raconteur, and Lenny Leonard, three-time juror.
Gentlemen, what's on your mind? Dad, you have to say something.
Something meaningful.
You ever notice how seats are too small for normal looking guys like me? Theaters, airplanes? Why even here! Look! (GRUNTING) I could not agree more.
Never go on the teacup ride after eating at Beauty and the Beast's Fried Dough Chateau.
Hey, I got a question.
How come oldies stations are always playing the same song? How about some new oldies, geniuses? Boy, these guys are right on the money.
Yeah.
My neck is sore from agreeing so much.
Hey, baby! (MIMICS KISSING) You looking for a good time, huh? Go home, turn on your television, Channel Six.
Thanks for the tip! (BEEPING) Yeah, yeah, twins.
I get it.
Now let's watch something I'm really interested in.
Who has more power? Miss America or Miss USA? I think one's elected and the other one's appointed.
I think your water just broke.
Will you be quiet? Now you can't mix milk and meat.
You got that? And on Christmas Day, you must eat Chinese food, and pork is strictly forbidden! Oh-oh! All these rules! I feel like I'm in a strip club! Well, Dad, what do you want to talk about tonight? Hmm Listen, Homer, I'd like to raise an issue.
Why so formal, Lenny? You're my go-to guy.
Oh, about that.
You know, I've been with this show from the beginning and I was, uh I was wondering if I could get a small cost of living raise? Interesting.
Please welcome new panelist, Barney Gumble.
That light's a little bright.
You think you can move it? Please welcome our newest panelist, Disco Stu.
Disco Stu knows his place.
My husband's a power-mad star.
Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs.
(SPEAKING HEBREW) Very good.
You just earned yourself a Dr.
Brown's.
Krusty, you know Diane, Stu, and Jeremy from the network.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Krusty, we've got some bad news.
We think you're super talented Oh, God! You're canceling me! Krusty, Krusty, TV is a fickle business.
You've had a good run.
But Homer Simpson's a fresh face and You're not doing this fast enough! You're fired, too! I'm No! (SOBBING) Simpson, I hate to bother you when you're eating but you're always eating.
Will you sign an autograph for my boy? My pleasure.
I eat Legos.
So did I, son.
And look where I am today.
Boy, everybody loves my show.
It's great, Dad.
You have tremendous power.
And now it's time to put it to use.
Yes, you're right.
Duck, Mister Lincoln! Thank you, Homer.
No, Dad.
I mean, you should use your time on the air to say things that really mean something.
Change the world for the better.
I say live fast, die young, and leave a big fat corpse! Well, I took Bart's advice last week, so I guess it's Lisa's turn.
Now if you'll excuse me You hit him high! I'll hit him low! (GRUNTING) (LAUGHING) Look, since my own network dumped me, I thought maybe I could do a show on (GROWLS) Fox.
I'm sorry, Krusty.
People aren't interested in stars anymore.
They want reality.
Way ahead of ya.
How about a show where girls think I'm a millionaire? But what they don't know is I'm rife with disease! Okay, okay.
How about one where I move in with a poor family and laugh at them? (LAUGHS) You see be Okay, how about you televise my Bar Mitzvah? Live.
Please, you people are known for taking chances on crap.
You know, we've had a great time on this show riffing on small, unimportant subjects.
Now wait a minute.
Dirty words you can spell on your calculator is a very important subject.
"Boobs.
" (LAUGHS) Just like what girls got.
Well, that's all over now.
From now on, we will focus solely on important issues.
Every year, the gulf between rich and poor nations gets larger.
Yet the lMF insists on unrealistic debt repayment schedules.
This show stinks! I knew my son would blow it! Where's the remote? Oh, it might as well be in China.
MAN: Live from Springfield Stadium, it's Krusty the Clown's Wet 'N' Wild Bar Mitzvah! Shalom, Springfield! Shalom.
I can't schmear you! Shalom! (SINGING GIBBERISH) Now to get you in the Bar Mitzvah mood, put your hands together for the Beach Boys Experience! (SINGING) Mezuzah, menorah Reading from the Torah Pastrami, knishes, on two sets of dishes A church with no steeple for God's chosen people Now let's meet a man who's muscle-bound and a man who's bound not to eat mussels, Mr.
T and Krusty the Clown! T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase! Yeah.
We were kind of rough on him.
I feel bad for the guy.
You pitied the fool? That's one way of putting it.
Time for me to get into character.
Let's scroll! Baruch adonai hamvorach, fool! Why should America consume 90 % of the world's resources? Argentina must devalue her currency to pay her debts! (SOBBING) You can't leave.
I'm your ride home! Dad, you blew it.
You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
I'll audience you! (CHOKING) So that's why Bart has all those broken tracheal bones.
Tight bow tie, my ass! Now ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the world's largest potato pancake! That's a lot of latke! (GRUNTING) Three, two, one, and you're canceled! Strike the set.
You have five minutes to get off the lot.
Oh Don't worry.
This will be quick and painless.
There we go.
Oh Homie.
You may have lost your show but you went out in the classiest way possible.
I'm proud of you.
Marge, I thank God every day you settled for me.
Hey, where's my car? Oh, over there.
(SOBBING) Come on, Homie.
We'll go to the make-your-own-sundae place.
Will you make my sundae for me? Yes.
Thank you, cast of The Lion King.
And now for our grand finale, the superstar of David, Mr.
T! I pity the shul that won't let Krusty in now! Spin me, clown! (LAUGHS) I wish I had invested my money better.
(LAUGHING) Mmm Krusty, the ratings were good.
Raymond re-run good.
Great.
But there's one thing that's still nagging at me.
I want a real Bar Mitzvah in a temple.
Wonderful.
(SPEAKING HEBREW) I'm hungry.
Are they married yet? They're not getting married.
Then whose garter is this? I was trying to hit the dentist.
And now, finally, I am a man.
I pity the fool who didn't bring an envelope to this Bar Mitzvah.
English - US - PSDH