Bob's Burgers s15e18 Episode Script

1
[TINA FRANTICALLY PANTING]
[SIGHS]
[SCREAMS]
[BOB] Hey, kids.
- [LINDA] How was school?
- [LOUISE] Titillating.
Whoa. Language.
I pooped a marble. Or there was
already a marble
in the toilet when I pooped.
Either way, wanna
check out my new marble?
Eh, no thanks.
- Tina's had a big day.
- Yeah, I won a sports thing.
- Oh, yeah?
- Really?
I got a certificate
and everything.
And by "everything,"
I mean I got a certificate.
You're looking at
Wagstaff's eighth grade
"American Association
for Youth and Fitness"
Free Throw Champion.
- That's great, hon.
- Yeah. Uh, wow.
We're as shocked as you are.
You know,
I won a free throw thing, too,
when I was in fourth grade.
The apple didn't fall
far from my bush.
Uh it's the tree, not bush.
- No, it's bush.
- N-no.
How many shots
did you make, Tina?
17. You shoot 25 free throws
and whoever makes the most wins.
Which was me.
- All right.
- Wow.
- Way to go.
- That's great, Tina.
I didn't know you knew how
to shoot free throws.
I didn't, but turns out
it's pretty easy.
You just take the ball and do this.
[GRUNTS]
- Huh.
- I believe that's referred to
as the "granny throw."
You know it's a cool way
to do something
when the word "granny"
is involved.
Aw, my cute
little granny thrower.
I threw it the normal, not-weird way,
but that way is great, too.
Yeah, so I advance
to the next round.
County finals are
a week from Saturday.
And if I win that,
I go on to regionals.
And if I win that,
I go on to state,
and if I win that,
I go on to nationals.
And then you take on
the wacky aliens from Space Jam?
- Maybe.
- Wow.
I want to go
to the county finals.
I want to be in the crowd,
cheering you on.
And, hey, I've got one
of those foam fingers at home.
I've been using it
as a not so great oven mitt.
Right, the crowd.
That'll be watching me.
Heh. Love it.
Tina, you want to do it, right?
No, yeah, I-I-I want to.
It's fun being good
at something sportsy.
And Jimmy Jr.'s coaching me.
He didn't make as many as me
like not even close
but he does technically
play basketball.
And I find it helpful to stand
behind him when he shoots,
and watch his, um, form.
- Mm.
- Butt form.
Uh-huh, I-I got it.
Contracting and relaxing.
No need for more.
[CROWD CHATTER]
You guys like sitting up
in the nosebleeds, huh?
I'm getting a little
vertigo up here.
Well, the kids
wanted to sit up high.
We don't take them out much,
so they think this is exciting.
I'm king of the world!
Whee!
[SHOUTS] No, no, no, G-Gene!
You're shaking 'em!
Gene, stop. Kids, sit down.
- Fine.
- Boo.
- These bleachers are a little steep.
- A little steep?
I had to crawl
on all fours to get up here.
I mean, you didn't have to,
but you definitely did.
People were staring.
Ah, my foam finger.
Gotta get it.
[SHOUTS] Feels like
I'm falling! Am I falling?
- [TEDDY MOANING]
- Well, if the sports get boring,
at least Teddy
will be fun to watch.
We do need snacks,
though, parents.
I feel like this is
traditionally a snack situation.
Let me see what
I have in my purse.
Please say taco platter.
And tableside guac.
- [ANNOUNCER] Welcome to
- [FEEDBACK WHINES]
Whoopsie-daisy.
Uh, we do encourage feedback,
but not that kind. [CHUCKLES]
Anyway, welcome to
the American Association
for Youth and Fitness
Free Throw County Finals.
- [APPLAUSE]
- It's time to bring our middle
and high school county finalists
onto the court for warm-ups.
- [APPLAUSE]
- [LINDA] Go, Tina.
- [LOUISE] Wait, where is Tina?
- [BOB] Huh.
I assume she's gonna
zip-line in from the rafters?
Eh, is it possible
Tina grew her hair out
and got shorter
and she's that kid?
- Maybe.
- Why isn't she out there?
She probably just had
a little pre-shoot poop.
See, I would have gone during,
but that's why she's the champ.
There she is. Go, Tina!
Oh, dear Lord! Why is anyone
allowed to be up here?
Yeah, that's not Tina.
Not everyone with glasses is Tina.
- Sometimes it's Mom.
- Yep, we're a couple of glassy broads.
Hmm. Hopefully
she comes out soon.
She will. Well, kids,
all I have in here
is that gross sugar-free candy
from when I thought we should
eat sugar-free candy.
That was a dark chapter.
All right, I'm gonna
go see what they have
at the little snack bar we saw.
Something fried and/or dyed.
And with some sugar
for our thighs.
- I know, I know.
- [BOB] Hmm.
She should be out there by now.
She said she wanted to do this.
Did something happen?
Oh. Maybe I didn't give her
the best pep talk last night.
- [LOUISE] That sounds like you.
- Oh, boy.
Hey, Tina. So, uh, big day tomorrow.
Or not a big day,
just a normal day.
Or not a normal day,
a-a special day, sort of.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, okay.
Great start.
Uh, I don't know about
free throw stuff
or sports in general.
I actually thought
it was called "three throws"
for a long time.
Like you got three throws,
but, you know,
it turns out that's incorrect.
And your mom meanly made fun
of me when she found that out.
But "free throws"
sounds weird, too.
I mean, "throws?" Why not shots?
It's weird, right?
Anyway, that's not the point.
What I do want to say is,
I hope you can have fun out
there tomorrow. Okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- 'Cause sometimes the fun can get lost
if it becomes all about winning,
and I want you to know
that no one is expecting you to win.
[MUFFLED]
Wait, you don't think I can win?
Oh. Of-of course you can.
I didn't mean no one
is expecting you to win,
I mean, no one
is expecting you to win.
Uh-huh.
Uh, all I'm saying is that
I don't want you
to put all this
pressure on yourself,
'cause it doesn't matter.
You know, none of this matters.
I mean, not none of this matters,
but, you know, it doesn't really,
in the grand scheme of things.
It's just a little
free throw competition.
I mean, a very cool free throw co
Uh, so okay?
- Uh-huh.
- All right.
I'm exhausted, I'm gonna go.
Um, door open or closed?
I'll-I'll just leave it and you can
Okay. Goodbye.
Or goo or good night.
I-I love you. Uh yeah.
Oh, my God. What have I done?
[ANNOUNCER] Next up, Tina Belcher.
- None of this matters.
- Okay.
None of this matters!
None of this matters!
Here. None of this matters.
- None of this matters!
- No, no, no, no.
None of this matters!
Happy 26th birthday,
"never moved out of the house" Tina.
- We saved up and got you a laptop.
- Uh-huh.
You haven't written your
erotic fiction in a long time
but you used to love doing that, right?
Maybe you could start again.
- Yeah.
- Oh, wow, that's so nice of you,
but I mean,
none of this matters.
[GRUNTS]
- Oh. Okay.
- [LAPTOP CLATTERS ON GROUND]
Uh, hey, 42-year-old Tina,
we want to show you
something outside.
It's really cool.
Okay. Probably doesn't matter.
What? Wh What's going on?
Tina, honey, you can't just sit around
not caring about anything
for the rest of your life.
You need to go out
and make your way in the world.
So, we got you an apartment.
I'm sliding the keys under the door.
But none of this matters.
You told me that.
You said that thing
about how you thought
- they were called "three throws."
- Oh, God, not that again.
And then you said nothing matters.
I-I know I said that, but
- [TINA GRUNTS]
- Are you
- Please don't kick the keys.
- Yeah, Tina,
- don't kick the keys.
- [TINA GRUNTING]
- Tina, stop.
- Tina, no.
- Do not kick Tina.
- No, Tina. No kicking. No.
Stop it. Stop trying
to kick the keys.
It's very hard to kick keys.
Oh, she finally did it.
So, that's something.
- Oh, God.
- [ANNOUNCER] Okay, warm-ups are over
and it's time
to get this party started.
[IMITATES AIR HORN]
Doing my best, folks.
Forgot my sound effects thing.
[IMITATES SAD TROMBONE]
Tina better hurry up.
She's gonna miss it.
[SIGHS] I think I ruined Tina's life.
No you didn't.
I feel like that's something
you're supposed to say
in this situation.
All right, I'm gonna
go see what they have
at the little snack bar we saw.
Something fried and/or dyed.
And with some sugar
for our thighs.
I know, I know.
It's not that steep. Whoa!
Oh oh, God.
Maybe it is. ♪
Mm. Good popcorn.
Wait. Eh. Okay popcorn.
[GROANS] Tina's still not out there?
Where the heck is she?
Is something wrong?
She seemed a little nervous
at bedtime last night,
but I thought I said
some good things?
Good night, my little shooty patootie.
- You excited?
- Uh-huh.
I'm so proud of you,
- being so good at this.
- Uh-huh.
You know what,
you're gonna do great tomorrow.
You're gonna do
better than great.
Hey, I think you're gonna
make all 25 baskets.
You're gonna make
so many baskets,
you're gonna have to
open up an Etsy account
to sell all the baskets you make. Ha.
You're Mama's little winner.
And I'll be cheering you on
to win, win, win!
[CHEERING] T-I-N-A,
all the balls go in, hurray!
That's Tina, yeah, yeah!
- That's Tina, yeah, yeah!
- Thank you.
She's making all the baskets
and she's Mama's
little winner! Oh, yeah!
Oh, God. Too far.
I went too far.
[ANNOUNCER] Our next finalist
is Wagstaff eighth grader, Tina Belcher.
Yeah! Come on!
Let's do this. Ball me, Stripes.
[TINA GRUNTING]
Yeah!
Show me the money!
E.T. phone home!
I'll have what she's having!
It puts the lotion in the basket!
25 out of 25. She won! Tina won!
And that's how it's done, son.
Please don't call me son. Or Stripes.
Too late, Sonny-stripes.
This is for you, Mom!
I won because of you!
I'll never, ever stop being
Mama's little winner!
That's right! I'm Mama! That's me.
Tina, time for Christmas.
Not until I make
3,000 free throws in a row.
Santa can friggin' wait.
Yeah! Dropped that one
right down the chimney.
[ANNOUNCER] And the gold
medal for Best Free Throwing
goes to Tina Belcher
of the United States.
Eat it, rest of the world.
[TINA GRUNTING]
So, yeah, I wouldn't be where I am today
- if it wasn't for my Mom. This is her.
- Hi!
Tina, you were once asked
what you would do
if you ever lost,
and you said, quote,
"Losing is disgusting.
It makes me sick
"to miss even one shot.
"If I do miss a shot,
I don't let my family
hug me for a month
because I'm not worthy of love."
- Uh
- Uh-huh, yeah.
Was there a question, or
Have you made winning
too important?
No. What else is there?
Winning is everything,
and anything less
makes me throw up.
Like, actually throw up.
But when I do throw up,
you know I get it all in the bowl.
Tina, sweetie. Winning's not everything.
That's not what you said when
you were saying good night to me
that one time a long time ago.
You said I was gonna
make all the shots.
You wanted me to make
all the shots, right?
- Um uh
- You were very clear.
You said
I was your little winner.
I was trying to be supportive,
be your cheerleader.
Mama's little winner!
That's what you said, right?
- Tina!
- You did this to me!
You did this to me! [SHOUTING]
Tina, no!
- Oh, boy.
- [ANNOUNCER] Okay,
warm-ups are over and it's time
to get this party started.
[IMITATING AIR HORN]
Oh, God. The thing's about to start
and she's not out here.
I ruined Tina's life.
Oh, God. I spilled
the soda on the popcorn!
I ruined the popcorn's life, too. Why?
[TINA] Mmm, contracting and relaxing.
Contracting and relaxing.
Okay, last free throw, Jimmy Jr.
Your swish is my command.
So close.
You made eight out of 25.
Huh. Felt like more.
Not to me. Okay, Tina.
Come on up. You're the last one.
Oh. Okay.
- What do I do again?
- Shoot free throws.
For the free throw competition.
Remember when I said,
"this is what we're doing
for P.E. today?"
Also, you literally just
watched everyone do this.
Right. Okay.
[GRUNTS]
Um, I Maybe, uh
Uh, can I throw it more like this?
You can, if you don't care
how you look.
[GRUNTS]
Oh. Okay.
Granny's got game.
Last one, Tina.
[GRUNTS]
Wow. Nice work.
You made 17 out of 25
shots, throwing like that.
You just won
the American Association
for Youth and Fitness
Free Throw competition.
It was a competition?
[SIGHS] Yeah, I told you
Never mind. Congratulations.
Now you move on
to the county finals.
County finals? S-So I do this again?
With a basketball
or something else this time?
With a basketball.
Here, it's all in
the information sheet.
Jonathan, stop messing
with the scoreboard!
It's not 69-69.
Hey, Tina, congrats on
the free throw competition win.
County finals are coming up.
You you want me to coach you?
And swish.
So, what do you say?
It's just that I made
a lot more shots than you.
Tina, I'm on the basketball team
and I'm really good.
It's just my shots don't go in.
Oh. I get it. Kind of.
But basketball is a mental game.
I know the mindset you need
to perform physically
in front of a big crowd.
I-I've done that really well before.
- It's gonna be in front of a crowd?
- Oh, yeah.
There's gonna be bleachers
full of parents, grandparents,
family friends, well-wishers,
passersby who want to see
what all the fuss is about,
all watching you on that foul line.
Uh a bunch of people
watching me do a thing?
Yeah, you don't just need golden hands.
You need a mind of steel. Golden steel.
What the
Huzzah!
Ha! I almost made it!
Coach Blevins, were you looking?
He wasn't looking. I'll tell him later.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- Okay, I can start coaching you today.
Meet me here at lunch. I mean, eat lunch
because we need nutrition,
our bodies need fuel.
Gotta gas up the old basketball engine.
Huh?
Uh, oh, sure. Hey, um,
does Wagstaff have ballet now?
Uh, they better not.
I've been petitioning for
a modern street jazz dance class
for months and it's gotten,
like, no traction.
[JIMMY JR.] Tina, in stressful physical
situations, it's important
to center yourself.
The key is to find
your happy place,
your Zen zone, your
imagination vacation station.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm talking about
the most special place
you can think of.
You picture it, and then you go there
when you need to calm yourself.
And then, you can take the shot
in a state of total peace.
My Zen zone is Dirty Dancing II Havana Nights.
What's yours?
[LAUGHING] Whee!
[SCREAMS]
- [SHOUTS]
- Are you okay?
You want to try Dirty Dancing
II Havana Nights?
You don't have to have seen
the first one, you know.
[TINA]
So, I think
practicing with Jimmy Jr.
These past few days
has really paid off.
I made 19 baskets today.
- That's great, Tina.
- Good job, sweetie.
- Well, I guess Tina's a jock now.
- Look at her.
She just can't wait to
snap our bottoms with a towel.
It's sad, really.
She only hurts people because
she never learned how to read.
Guys, stop, I'm not a jock.
I'm the same as you, just more athletic
and good at something cool.
It is kinda nuts.
I mean, a Belcher, competing
in the finals of a thing
that involves
a commonly known sports ball?
A big crowd of people chanting
her name, doing the wave,
a halftime show starring
Rihanna, featuring Pitbull.
Yep, big crowd.
- Dinner good. Bedtime.
- Oh. Uh, okay.
Are you all right? It's pretty early.
Yeah. Just, uh [STAMMERS]
I want to rest up for tomorrow.
Okay. Uh, well, don't forget
to brush your teeth.
I bet Michael Jordan brushed
his teeth before every game.
That's probably how he got his nickname.
Uh, what?
Yeah, they called him "Air Jordan"
'cause of his breath.
It smelled like fresh air.
Okay, bye-bye.
[BOB] Big day tomorrow.
Or not a big day,
just a normal day.
Or not a normal day,
a-a special day, sort of.
[LINDA CHEERING] T-I-N-A,
all the balls go in, hurray!
That's Tina! Yeah, yeah!
[TINA THINKING] Tomorrow's
gonna be fine. This kinda thing
probably happens all the time,
people watching other people do sports.
I feel like I've heard of that.
Now I'm just gonna fall asleep
because I'm so calm about all of this.
Ah! What the hell?
Balloons. Just balloons.
Okay. One good night's sleep
coming up.
Closing my eyes.
And they're not listening.
Using my hands.
Probably should have
washed my hands.
Now my eye's kind of stinging.
What is that, soy sauce?
Sleep through it.
When you hear your name,
step to the line
and I'll hand you the ball.
It's nice if you say "Thank you,"
but you don't have to
say "Thank you" 25 times.
[ANNOUNCER] Okay, it's time to welcome
our middle and high school
county finalists
onto the court for warm-ups.
[REFEREE]
All right, that's our cue.
You're all gonna do great,
and please remember
to leave immediately after
the contest is over.
We have a square dance
in here this afternoon,
which I'm also refereeing. Here we go.
[TINA PANTING]
Just gonna go in here.
[TINA FRANTICALLY PANTING]
[BASKETBALL DRIBBLING DISTANTLY]
[SIGHS]
[SCREAMS]
Hello, Tina.
Uh hi Tina.
[LOUISE] Look at that freak,
- throwing it overhand.
- How embarrassing.
At least he gets
to be on the floor.
So stable, so safe.
- Bob, we need to go find Tina.
- Yeah. Uh-huh. I-I agree.
Uh, I'm pretty sure
this is all my fault
because I gave her
the worst pep talk ever.
No, I did. It's my fault.
I screwed up our kid
with my pep talk.
Parenting sounds fun.
It's hard. But sort of rewarding.
Sometimes. Not not now.
Would it help if I took
those snacks off your hands?
Okay, here.
The top layer of this is moist.
It's soda.
- Smart.
- Gross.
Let me try it. Gross.
Maybe it needs more soda?
- Yeah, baby.
- Gene, no.
Let me try it. It's getting there.
Why is this happening?
Why are you haunting me
younger me?
Haunting you? I'm not haunting you.
If I were haunting
you I'd say, "boo."
- Ahh!
- I'm here to save us.
Do you not remember the ballet recital?
Oh, God. The ballet recital.
[YOUNG TINA] We loved ballet.
Twirling, leaping, the buns, the tutus.
Getting to turn to your friend
and say, "You wear a tutu, too?"
- [TINA] Oh, yeah.
- [YOUNG TINA] Then we had
our big recital.
Ms. Marion picked me
to do the pirouette.
And as the recital got closer,
I got more and more nervous,
and then, on the day
of the performance,
I started to "pirou-sweat."
What if I messed up?
What if I fell?
What if I farted in the middle
and the spinning sent the smell
around the whole room?
So I pretended to fall down,
and I told Ms. Marion
I sprained my ankle,
and my stomach and my face.
And then we didn't have
to go out there.
Okay, but what does that have
to do with right now?
You win some free throw thing
and now we're in the same
situation all over again.
Yep, yep. Right, right.
So, let's just
come up with another injury.
Like your hands got stuck to your butt?
Your fingers got the flu?
Your elbows popped off?
No, no, no. I can't do
some ridiculous fake injury.
- It has to look real.
- Yay.
[LINDA] Tina? Tina it's
Mom. Are you in here?
- She in there?
- No, but I'm kinda glad.
I forgot how gross
high school bathrooms are.
I hope Sasha T. Never goes in there.
- Who's Sasha T.?
- According to the wall,
"a skanky skank
who lies about everything."
Well, what do we do?
Should we split up
to cover more ground?
We could, or we stick together,
and when we find her,
we say dumb things
- at the same time?
- Yes. Good.
A united dumb front. I like it.
Hmm, how can we hurt you?
Oh, you could swallow a cone.
- Mmm.
- Or what if you
break your arm off
in the ball rack?
Oh, yeah. Maybe?
Great. Let's get your arm in there
and break it off on three.
- Ahh!
- One, two
- Wait.
- Yeah?
Are we sure about this?
Oh, yeah. Definitely. Good plan.
Ow. Wait, but
- What?
- I have another idea,
um, that I think
you're gonna hate.
- What is it?
- It's just,
sitting here, about to
break my own arm off
so I don't have to do
the scary thing,
it just kinda makes me think
I should go out there
and do the scary thing.
What? What the "H" are you
talking about?
All right,
maybe we don't break it off.
We just weave it
through the bars
and wait for it to die
and fall off on its own.
Look, I know
you're trying to help,
but I don't want
to run away this time.
Hello? It works.
We didn't have to do the recital
and we still
got ice cream after.
I mean, when I was six,
faking an injury
because I was scared
was a solid plan.
I was so little, I was just
out of nighttime diapers.
Almost out of nighttime diapers.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure we were
- We were ten.
- Ten?
- Yeah.
- Okay, fine.
But I'm not little anymore.
I'm a big girl now.
But what if we go out in front
of everyone and miss every shot?
And what about
the spinning farting thing?
Well, there's no spinning,
so that's good.
And, yeah, we might go out there
and do terrible and lose.
Or we'll do great and we'll win.
Or something
in between, I guess.
But I think what really matters
is we just go out there
and have fun doing something
we're good at, damn it.
You said a bad word.
- Yeah.
- Damn it.
Uh, well, don't you say it.
[ANNOUNCER] And our
last contestant is Tina Belcher.
- Oh.
- Tina, please come to the floor.
It's time to hoop, there it is.
[LAUGHS] Where are my Gen-Xers at?
Crap, I gotta go now
or I'll never get to do it.
[MOANS]
It'll be okay.
Okay.
Wait. Tina?
- What?
- Damn it.
Okay, but that was the last time.
[ANNOUNCER]
Tina Belcher. One more time.
Tina Belcher.
Looking for you on the court.
There she is. Tina Belcher.
Tina Belcher is here.
- Oh, Tina. She's there.
- Oh, good.
- Let's get back to our seats.
- Yeah.
- Come, come on.
- Ow!
[ANNOUNCER]
Totally fine
that it took you this long.
Gave us a moment
to pause and reflect.
Let's go, T!
Yay, Tina! Oh, God.
Did you find her and
give her a new good pep talk?
Against all odds?
No, but she's out there, so
good job, Mom and Dad?
Yup, it counts.
Okay, time for this
finger to fly.
Whoa! I'm doing it.
I'm doing it. [SHOUTS]
Okay, I'm gonna sit down.
She saw that, right?
Oh, yeah. She loved it.
Thank you.
[EXHALES]
[GRUNTS]
Granny throw ♪
You know we granny throw ♪
Wuh-oh! Granny throw ♪
We roll with the granny throw ♪
Step to the line ♪
I'm looking fine ♪
Ball between my legs ♪
Yeah, that's what I said ♪
But don't you fret ♪
'Cause it's nothing but net ♪
The crowd says hot damn ♪
Check out that gram-gram ♪
Granny throw ♪
- You know we granny throw ♪
- Break it down now ♪
I'm a teenager
but I throw like a granny ♪
Gonna think that
you're looking at a pro ♪
It's uncanny ♪
I'm just that good ♪
Don't need no luck ♪
'Cause overhand is just for suckers! ♪