Bob's Burgers s15e20 Episode Script

1
[GENE GRUNTING]
Did I get it?
- Not even close.
- What are you kids doing?
Playing No-Look Food Wipe.
No-Look Food Wipe?
You have to wipe the food off the table.
Sound simple? Not so fast. No looking.
Oh, fun. Let me try.
- Oh.
- [GRUNTING] Nuts.
It doesn't seem like the best way
to actually wipe the table.
- It's not.
- He doesn't get it.
Bob, your Dad's here.
Oh, right. He said
he was gonna swing by.
The man likes to swing.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, Dad.
- [TINA] Hey.
- [LOUISE] Pop Pop.
- Hi.
Pop Pop, I think there's
a fun kite stuck to you.
Phew. Glad somebody said it.
I-I found it when I was
cleaning out my closet.
Remember this kite, Bob?
Um I, uh
- Think back.
- Yeah, I'm
I'm I'm not really remembering.
This is so awkward for the kite, Dad.
- I gave it to you.
- Oh, you did?
Yeah. After your mom passed.
I thought it would be a good
way to spend time together,
and I meant to fly it
with you, but, y-you know,
we just didn't get around to it.
Aw. Kind of a "sorry
your mom died" kite.
Uh, yeah. Something like that.
Well, uh, that's okay, Dad.
No, no, no, I-I should've
flown it with you.
I should've flown a kite with my son.
Anyway, that's why I brought it over.
Pretty windy today.
We should go right now, with the kids.
Us kids or other kids?
Oh, um, I mean, the restaurant is open.
- Is it?
- Sometimes the only way I know
is by looking at the sign on the door.
And I still have some prep I need to do
for the dinner crowd, and
- Ha.
- Why "ha"?
Those are the same
excuses I used to use.
You're just like me, Bob.
Uh, I-I'm not. No offense.
Think about it, all the
father-kid stuff we never did.
I never took you fishing.
- You take these kids fishing?
- Uh
Well, we fished Tina's
glasses out of the toilet
on numerous occasions.
I can't hold them on my head
and flush the toilet at
the same time, I'm sorry.
I never threw a ball around with you.
Oh, well, we've thrown
a ball around, I think.
Kids? Back me up? The ball?
Like a royal ball? You wish, Cinderella.
- Oh, God. Am I like you?
- No.
I-I mean, you're
great, Big Bob. But no.
It's not too late, son.
You can make this right.
Bob, go. I can cover for a few hours.
Go fly a kite. In a nice way.
Um, kids, you want to?
Yeah. Let's go make a thing go
up in the air for some reason.
Any excuse not to work.
I mean, I'm so excited about this.
I want to get high as a kite.
- Is that how kite people talk?
- No.
Okay. Uh, thanks, Linda. We'll
We'll be back before the dinner rush.
I'll just go upstairs and get my phone.
You don't need your phone.
Kids and their phones.
Uh, okay, but I should
probably get my wallet.
What do you need a wallet for?
It's a kite. You need wind and string.
"Wind and String" is also the name
of Ken's experimental jazz duo.
They are a tough listen.
[BIG BOB] Oh, yeah, this is a good spot.
Right? Hmm. Onshore breeze?
Someone went to wind school.
So, how do you think we do this?
Oh. Uh, I was hoping maybe you knew.
I don't. I don't know
how to do, you know
- Anything fun?
- Right.
I mean, I guess you're
supposed to hold it up
and then, you know,
let the wind take it?
- Yikes.
- No.
And the wind said, "Uh-uh, honey."
Uh, here, you might have more luck.
Uh, okay. Um
[GRUNTS]
Ah, you can't let it get away with that.
- Hit back.
- Ooh. He's got a kite.
[TINA] And his posture is
more confident than yours.
So much more.
- Whoa.
- How's he doing that?
Maybe you can pay for better wind?
Premium wind. Maybe it comes with Hulu.
Okay, he's kinda standing
with his back to the wind.
I-I'll I'll do that.
That's it, son. Copy
the crap out of him.
Uh, here.
Okay. Blast off?
I don't think the other
dad said "blast off."
Oh. It's working.
- [GENE] Yeah, it is.
- [LOUISE] You got it.
- [TINA] Well, look at you.
- [LOUISE] Nice, Dad.
It's really working.
Geez. It must be 100 feet in the air.
[GENE] That's why it got so small.
Does anyone else want
to hold the string
- Whoa!
- [KIDS EXCLAIM]
[SCREAMS] Oh, my God. Uh
I'm I'm gonna go get it.
And you're totally gonna
be able to catch up with it.
'Cause of how fast you are.
I can hear his knees clicking from here.
I'm guessing you also never
taught our dad how to run?
I did not.
[BOB PANTING]
Oh. Okay, good.
It landed.
[WHIMPERS]
And I might have a heart attack.
Just a little one. Or medium.
God, that's a lot of pain.
[GRUNTING]
Yes! There it is.
Train station?
Does the kite commute? Ha.
Oh, I'm too tired to laugh.
Oh, shoot.
Um, excuse me, uh, sir?
My kite is stuck to the wheel of your
The world's gonna see me ♪
- Uh
- [MUMBLING LYRICS]
Sir, my kite is, um
Sir!
- Excuse me?
- [MUMBLING LYRICS]
Sir! Wait!
Oh, God. Maybe I can
No, not Ugh.
[BELL CHIMES]
Oh, God, the door's gonna close.
Hello. Hi. What are you
doing and can you stop?
Uh, sorry, my kite is
snagged on your bag.
Um, I have earbuds in and
it's very hard to pause this.
- [BELL CHIMES]
- Oh, God.
Train door closing.
No. No, no, no. No. Crap.
I'm turning away from you now.
I am me and it's the
only way it's gonna be. ♪
[BOB] Great.
Ugh, what's the next stop?
- Maybe I can still walk back?
- This is the express train.
Next stop's not until Shorebridge.
Shorebridge? That's so far away.
That's why we have
trains. Ticket, please?
- Oh, uh, right. Ticket.
- Yeah.
Uh, uh-huh. Y-You guys
still do that, huh?
- It's our favorite part.
- Uh, I
I'm realizing I don't have my wallet.
I left home in a hurry.
To fly this kite. Not alone.
I have a family I was gonna fly it with.
Don't shake your head. I-I-I do.
But I will definitely pay you.
Is there maybe a system
where I can write my name
and address down or something,
and then send you the payment
- Jerry!
- We don't need to call Jerry.
Yup.
If Dad doesn't come back,
maybe that guy can be our dad?
[TINA] The Kitemaster?
Father of the Breeze?
Pfft. If he'll have us.
So, what do we do now?
I guess keep waiting?
Uh, you kids want to see me
do tricks with my lighter?
- Yes! - Yeah.
- Yes.
Why have we not heard about
these "lighter tricks" before?
Eh, I didn't want you to
ask me why I have a lighter.
Why do you have a lighter?
Well, it's not to light my
cigars that I don't smoke,
that's for sure.
Weird. Someone else
must be smoking cigars
in your clothes and
your car and your house.
And your mouth.
Yeah, a-anyway, watch this.
- Whoa-ho-ho.
- Nice. - Cool.
That's called "The Outlaw Jesse Flames."
- More, please.
- How 'bout this one? Huh?
- Damn.
- How are you single?
It's like a fidget spinner
and a blow torch combined.
They did it.
The bastards finally did it.
Please, I-I need a ticket
back to Seymour's Bay.
Uh, what if I promise to mail a check
to the train company?
In, like, a really nice envelope?
- Bob? That you, buddy?
- Critter?
Hey, I'll cover this guy's ticket.
You're a senior, right, Bob?
- Um
- Where you headed?
Oh, uh, back to
Seymour's Bay. Thank you.
Ah, two tickets to Seymour's Bay.
I'm heading back, myself.
Came out here to visit my aunt.
- Oh.
- Sweet lady.
The other gals at the maximum
security correctional facility
just love her to death.
Okay Um, you didn't
ride your motorcycle?
Chopper's in the shop.
Finally biting the bullet
and installing brakes.
Mm.
[CRITTER] Oh, man, this is great.
We can be train buddies.
Our own little train gang.
Like a motorcycle gang,
'cept all we do is take in the scenery.
- Maybe sell a little crank.
- Mm.
Kidding. Not even crank season, silly.
[CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY] Y-Yeah. Right.
Um Oh, uh, Critter,
can I borrow your phone?
I should let people know I'm okay.
Yeah, sure. Here you go.
You on some kind of a bender, Bob?
You hole up in a motel
room with this kite
and party for a few days?
I did that once with a pound of hash
and a pile of jigsaw puzzles.
- That's not, um
- Bob's Burgers.
Hey, Lin, it's me.
Uh, did my dad come back with the kids?
No. Everything okay?
Yeah. It-It's just the
kite ended up on a train,
and now I'm at a train
station in Shorebridge.
Wait, what?
Well, this happens a
lot with kites, probably.
Anyway, could you text my dad
and tell him I'll be back soon?
I-I don't have his number
memorized because
I only know the restaurant's and
uh, half of yours.
Okay, hold on. I found it.
- Can I use a train emoji?
- What?
Never mind. I did it. Ha.
- Hi, Linda.
- Is that Critter?
Uh, yeah. He says hi. I'm on his phone.
Bob and I are gonna be train buddies.
Hi, Critter. How's little Sidecar?
Gonna start preschool
soon. Can you believe that?
- No. Oh, my God.
- Okay, so
Time, huh? So, what else is new?
Let's all talk later. Bye.
- [ENTRY BELL RINGS]
- [TEDDY] Hiya, Linda.
Coffee, please. Eh, make it a double,
- because I am having a day.
- Aw, yeah?
Yeah. The theater Kathleen's working at
is putting on a production of
the modern classic Sling Blade.
Ooh, the movie about landscaping.
Yeah, sort of.
Anyway, one of the actors got sick
and it's opening night tonight.
I've been doing some work at
the theater, building sets,
and I've been around for rehearsals,
so Kathleen thought
that I could do the part.
Oh, Teddy, that's great.
Yeah, I-I don't know, though.
I'm nervous about my one line.
Sling Blade's working
in the engine repair shop
and I come in and I say,
"I broke my mow-lawner."
- Your what?
- My mow-lawn
Argh! See?
Are you trying to say "lawnmower"?
Yes, but when I was a
kid, I said "mow-lawner."
And my parents thought it was cute,
so they never corrected
me, and it stuck.
I-I can't say the word right.
So I just tried to
move on, move forward.
Build a life where I wouldn't
have to say you know.
But Kathleen asked me to play this part,
and now I have to go out there
in front of God and everybody
and say "I broke my mow-lawn "
Oh, God! I can't say the word!
- "My mow-la-a-a-awn."
- Teddy.
- "My mow-lawn "
- Look at me.
- Teddy, calm down.
- [SCREAMING]
Breathe, Teddy. Breathe.
Oh Oh
We'll get you saying
the word right, okay?
[EXHALES] Thank you.
There he is, there he is.
Also, I-I'm not very comfortable
with the cut-off jean
shorts they want me to wear.
Stuff's kind of hanging out.
Okay, one thing at a time.
[CRITTER] So, your dad
got you this handsome kite
to bond with you after your mom died,
but he never flew it with you,
and now you feel like a failure as a dad
'cause you never flew
a kite with your kids?
Basically, yeah.
Geez. That's rough. I have to admit,
I had a couple of good
kite-flying experiences
with my kid, but I never
judge anybody else's path.
We're all evolving and developing
into compassionate human beings and
Holy crap, it's that butt-face I hate.
Oh, man, I'm gonna rip
that guy's head off.
- What? Who?
- [CRITTER] Over there. Dusty.
Uh, is Uh, is this gang-related?
No, no. Uh, well, I mean, yeah. Kind of.
He used to be in the Buzzard Kings,
but a lot of us have gone straight now.
I'm mad at him 'cause
he's a nursery school
waitlist-spot-jumping jerk.
Uh, I'm sorry, what?
My boy, Sidecar, was ahead of his kid
on the waitlist for Happy Gardens,
the good nursery school.
They've got a rabbit, a chicken
- and a vegetable garden, Bob.
- Oh.
But then I heard from a parent
who's already at the school
who heard from one of the teachers
that in Dusty's interview,
he mentioned that
Sidecar's not potty-trained.
And that he often has peanut
butter on his hands and face,
which is apparently frowned on
'cause the school's "nut-free."
And wouldn't you know, Dusty's kid
got the last spot in the class
and now Sidecar's going
to a Montessori school,
which is perfectly fine,
but we're not sure it's the best fit.
I got to make a move here.
- Wait. Do what?
- I got to get revenge.
No. No, no, no. Critter, no stabbing.
I'm cutting off his mullet.
- Um
- It's biker justice.
It's about taking away a man's spirit.
The party's in the back,
but the party's over.
- I'm gonna need your kite.
- What? Why?
- For cover.
- Um, no, thank you?
My kite would love to not
be a part of this at all.
Come on, Bob, I paid for your ticket.
You owe me.
My son's never gonna get
to feed mealworms to Snowy
- because of that man.
- Snowy?
The chicken. The Happy Gardens chicken.
Ugh, fine, here.
[CONDUCTOR]
Approaching Bog Harbor Station.
Next stop, Seymour's Bay.
[EXCLAIMS] What the hell?!
You brought this on yourself, Dusty.
Critter?!
- Hold still.
- [YELPS]
- Oh, God.
- It's fighting
for its right to party.
[DUSTY SCREAMS]
You hide behind a kite
and you pull the mullet
removal move on me?
- Grow up, Critter!
- That's what you get
for jumping us in line at Happy Gardens.
That's what this is about?
Oh, yeah, that's what this is about.
Everyone knows Sidecar's
not potty-trained.
Not even a pull-ups situation.
Everybody potty trains
at their own pace.
I'm gonna take this home and
stick it in Sidecar's potty,
push the button and
hear Bluey celebrate.
Well, then I'm gonna
take your attractive kite!
- Wha
- Ah! My kite!
[GRUNTING]
- Come on, Bob!
- [GRUNTS]
- What's happening?
- Don't worry.
We're getting your kite back.
Little bits of mullet
flying everywhere, dammit.
[BOB] Yep. [SPITS]
Oh, God, there's some in my mouth.
- There he is.
- He's heading for the scooters.
Ugh. Why did you have to use
my kite in your mullet war?
I'm sorry. We'll get it back.
Hop on, Bobby Boy. I've
got the app for this hog.
Oh, my God. Does this
work with two grown men?
Should we have helmets?
Bob, clicking "agree" on the
scooter's terms and conditions
means not asking these
kinds of questions.
- Hold tight.
- Waist or shoulders?
- Doesn't matter!
- Maybe chest?
- No, waist is better
- [BOB SCREAMS]
And flip it and spark it, and
Ow.
And flip it and spark it, and Ow.
- And flip it, and spark it, and
- Maybe no more.
Because I keep burning myself?
That's fair.
My turn. Pop Pop, sing some Def Leppard.
And make me feel it.
Good news, there's a bunch
of litter on the ground.
Maybe we should do a controlled burn
in one of those grills over there?
Eh, why not?
Or it gets uncontrolled.
[LAUGHS] Who knows? Let's find out.
[CRITTER] Dusty may be leading us
right into a Buzzard King's trap.
Bob, how are you with nunchucks?
- And do you have nunchucks?
- No. Sorry.
Oh, man, we might need backup.
Here. Text Rat Daddy.
No, text Crankshaft.
Wait, his kid's got gymnastics today.
Text Snakebite.
- [BOTH EXCLAIM]
- Close one.
Hey, you ever ridden a
bike with your kids, Bob?
You can feel good about that.
- Um
- Dear God. I'll go faster.
I'm just not that much of a cyclist.
I don't have the thighs for it.
- Lawn.
- Lawn.
- Mower.
- Mower.
Now put them together.
Mow-lawner. [GROANS]
No. Again. Lawn.
Lawn.
- Mower.
- Mower.
- Lawnmower.
- Mow-lawner.
- Nope. Nope.
- [GROANING]
Hey, does it have to be a lawnmower?
Could your leaf blower be broken?
Oh, sure, Linda, just come in and change
the sacred text of Sling Blade?
A beloved timeless story?
[SARCASTIC] Yeah, I'll do that.
Okay, okay, let's try this.
Every time you say
"mow-lawner," I slap your face.
Uh
Not too hard. But kind of hard.
- Ready?
- Okay.
- Lawnmower.
- Mow Ow.
You're not getting away, Dusty!
Unless, of course,
your scooter's charged
- a little bit more than ours.
- Oh, God!
Ah, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.
A-ha. Got him.
Who's potty-trained now, Dusty?
Hand over the kite.
Hand over my mullet, Critter.
Oh, wait. You can't.
'Cause you killed it.
So I'm gonna kill your kite.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- No, no, no, no, no!
Eye for an eye, kite for a mullet.
Please! It's my kite!
- Who are you?
- Uh, I'm I-I'm Bob.
Wait. Did you used
to be in Satan's Hole?
No, no, no, he's a
non-motorcycle club guy.
- Uh, a gentle soul. Fragile.
- Um I-I mean
Well, there's nothing
gentle about letting Critter
use your kite to take a man's mullet.
Look at it. My essence is gone.
Yeah, it is. You look like a dork.
- Critter.
- What? He does.
[DUSTY] I do!
Sorry, pal, I'm gonna stab your kite.
Dusty, wait! That kite
has sentimental value.
And I want to fly it with my kids.
I I-I just don't
want to be a bad dad.
That has nothing to do with me.
Yeah, but, Dusty, listen.
Today, we were gonna finally fly it.
And we've never done it before.
And I actually got it up in the air
and I was about to
hand my kids the string,
but then it blew away.
So can I have it back? Please?
So I can go fly it with them?
You've never flown a
kite with your kids?
No. What, has everybody done that?
Yeah, pretty much
everybody's done that, Bob.
- Yeah, everybody.
- Oh, my God.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Take the kite. Go fly it with your kids.
Thank you.
- But real quick
- [SIGHING] Okay.
Critter, I want to say, I
I may have mentioned the peanut butter
and lack of potty
proficiency in the interview.
- I'm sorry.
- 'Preciate that. I mean, it's true.
Sidecar might never pee in a toilet.
And the peanut butter
on his face, that's
That's my bad.
I've been kind of
single-dad-ing it lately.
Uh, Mudflap went to
Sedona with her girlfriends
and a three-day
weekend got out of hand,
and turned into a
mandatory 30 days, so
it's been just us boys and, uh
Anyway, Dusty, I-I get
why you did what you did.
We do what we can for our kids.
Yup. Yup. Um, can I have my kite please?
Just a sec, Bob.
Let me ask you, Critter
do you still have my mullet?
Most of it. The, uh, after-party.
- Yeah, um, yeah
- Maybe we could send it off?
- You talking burial at sea?
- Yeah.
- Dusty, can I say the words?
- Okay.
Lord Neptune, take these
backward biker bangs
into your briny kingdom
Um, can Guys, can I just
Say something? Sure.
No, I Can I just have the kite?
Oh. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah,
yeah, here, here ya go.
[GASPS] No, no, no, no, no.
- Grab the string.
- It's getting away!
- Get it! Get it! Get it! I got it!
- Get it by the tail.
[SCREAMING]
Maybe you can get another
super sentimental kite
that evokes your dead mother
and symbolizes your desire
to be a good dad?
[GRUNTS, WHIMPERS]
[YELPS] Cold. Cold water.
Holy moly, look at him.
- Father of the year.
- [WHIMPERING]
Getting closer, getting closer.
Maybe?
[CRITTER] It's drifting out faster
than you're swimming, Bob. I don't know
if you wanted to hear that right now.
But it feels like I should
share that information.
[PANTING] I'm here.
- Snakebite.
- Who we stompin'?
I'm all limber from
Pilates. Let's do this.
It's over.
Dusty and I are good now.
- Regrowing the trust.
- Regrowing the mullet.
Oh, yeah.
Okay. What are you guys looking at?
It's so far away.
Can kites swim?
They sell kites by the beach, you know.
I know.
They got butterfly-shaped ones,
and seagull-shaped ones.
Yep. Got it.
Hi. Bob?
I'm Snakebite.
I came to help Critter beat Dusty's ass,
but I guess they're friends now?
Uh, hi.
I've been told you're
swimming into the ocean
to retrieve a kite because
you think you're a bad dad.
Maybe I can help.
I recently got my license
to practice family therapy.
[BOB] Family therapy?
He's amazing.
Snakebite helped me
and Mudflap rediscover
intimacy through
yes-and-ing and role play.
Uh, okay.
Hey, all due respect,
I think you're screwing up right now.
He's definitely screwing up.
- He's gonna drown.
- I'm not gonna drown. I hope.
Bob, being a good dad is definitely
not about flying kites.
It's about being present.
If you give your kids love and support
and you're present for them,
you're a good dad.
Nailed it again, Snakebite.
- Wow.
- Make sense?
Bob?
Bob, did you drown?
[GASPS]
Not yet. I [COUGHS]
swallowed some water, a lot of water.
So, okay, yeah, also, stop
swimming towards your death.
Death is, like, the number one way
not to be present in your kids' lives.
Yeah, uh, you-you might be right.
Uh, I might've gotten a little
hung up on the kite.
- You think?
- Okay, uh
I'm-I'm coming back.
Bye, kite.
Ew. Mullet.
[SIGHS] Again.
- Mow-lawner.
- No, Teddy.
I can't do this anymore.
Maybe you can't do the play.
I know. Gah!
Why didn't my parents teach
me how to say that word?
Why, Mom and Dad? You ruined my life.
They thought the way
you said it was cute.
It's still cute.
Not at this point in the day,
but it was when I first heard it.
Now I never want to hear
the word "lawnmower" again.
Oh, God, am I saying it weird now?
No, I'm saying it fine.
[GROANS] You make it sound so easy.
But I'm not you.
I can't say it with your
perfect pronunciation,
and your lilting voice.
I can't just say
[IMITATING LINDA] lawnmower.
Oh, my God, Teddy.
- You did it.
- I did?
Yeah, you just got to do my voice.
I mean, I don't think I sound like that.
It's a little offensive.
But, yeah, just do that.
Okay. I'm gonna do my line.
I broke my
[IMITATING LINDA] lawnmower.
- There he is, yes!
- I can do it.
- Lawnmower!
- [LAUGHING] Yeah.
- Lawnmower!
- Okay, stop.
[LOUISE] More trash.
Bring me more trash.
It's okay to breathe trash smoke, right?
Maybe just through your nose?
[CRITTER] Hi, kids.
- Critter. - Hi.
- Hey, Critter.
Trash fire, huh?
Uh-huh. Feel free to toss something in.
Evidence, weapons.
I'm good. Thanks, though.
- See ya later, Bob.
- Bye, Critter.
Hey, everyone. Uh, I just
I want to tell you I'm walking
weird 'cause my underwear's wet.
'Cause I went into the
ocean to get the kite.
I was on a train and then
I went into the ocean.
Sounds like a good story, but
let me just burn this first.
Ah, that's the stuff.
- Where's the kite?
- I lost it.
To the sea. Sorry, kids.
- That's fine. - Okay dokey.
- No prob.
- I'm sorry, Dad.
- That's okay.
You know, son, it's not about the kite.
What is a kite, anyway?
Just a thing.
It's the time you spend
together that counts,
even if you spend it, you know, uh,
burning trash on a public grill.
You'll see.
That's so great to hear.
Now, Dad. And not earlier,
when you said all the other stuff.
- Don't mention it.
- Guys, we need more trash.
The fire is hungry.
Oh, no, but what if our
town has no more trash?
Just kidding, it always does.
Hey, maybe we could call your mom
and ask her to bring marshmallows?
Trash fire marshmallows.
Yes!
They taste like copper wire
and urban neglect.
It's not ♪
About the kite ♪
What is a kite, anyway? ♪
Just a thing ♪
It's the time ♪
You spend together ♪
That counts ♪
Even if you spend it, you know, uh ♪
Burning trash on a public grill ♪
You'll see. ♪