Bob's Burgers s16e01 Episode Script

1
[LINDA] He's at the board.
He's holding the little
six up over the five,
checking out that cool new price.
Now, all he's got to
do is switch 'em out.
And switch 'em out.
- Switch 'em out.
- I don't know
if the play-by-play is helping.
- No, it is.
- Mm.
Come on, Bob.
I thought you were
finally okay with this.
You said yes last night.
Well, I was drinking wine then.
I was wine brave.
I also said we should start stretching,
but I didn't mean it.
Bob, raising our prices once a decade
is not a big deal.
Also, it's how we're gonna do stuff
like pay our bills and stay in business.
It's just, it is a big deal, Lin.
And I'm very nervous about it.
You guys talking sex stuff?
You should be nervous.
It could change the dynamic
of your relationship forever.
Your dad is moments away from
raising the price of a burger.
- Mm
- Or he isn't. [SIGHS]
What you got there, Gene
some sort of doohickey?
It's Peter Pescadero's older
brother's MiniDisc four track.
You can hit a button and it
makes an mp3 of your song.
We have to return it to Peter tomorrow
'cause that's when his brother gets back
from his hacky sack retreat.
So we have one day to come up with
a Grammy-award-winning album.
Hey, who knows, it might
win a Grampy award too.
All right. The Itty
Bitty Ditty Committee
at the top of the charts.
Actually, this is a new project.
This band is known as
- Bus Boy and the Cuss Girls.
- It's a little more edgy,
little more autobiographical.
These would be less "itty bitty ditties"
and more "big ol' ditties."
- [BOB] Mm.
- It's gonna be all about
how two generations of a family
were destroyed by a burger restaurant.
- Oh. - Oh.
- But, hey,
you guys'll be mentioned in the lyrics,
so that's pretty cool for you.
- All right.
- Okay.
Anyway, we'll be in the
basement if you need us.
But also, please don't bother us
'cause we'll be making history.
Oh, and we need to borrow
some metal mixing bowls.
- Why?
- Instruments.
- The sound of despair.
- Got it.
[GENE] And try to keep it quiet up here.
Thank you.
♪
Gather round, we're
gonna tell you a story ♪
- Ooh ♪
- About a lady ♪
And a burger boy ♪
For some crazy reason ♪
Don't know why ♪
Wanted to open up a restaurant ♪
That ruined all our lives ♪
I guess they wanted ♪
- That life ♪
- Oh, yeah ♪
[MUFFLED]
They opened up the restaurant ♪
That ruined all our lives ♪
Bob, don't listen to them.
You are a little paralyzed
by indecision right now,
and it's cute, but we have made it
this far. So, was that a good pep talk?
Mm. Mm-hmm.
[TINA] What was the plan? ♪
Why would any rational ♪
- [HUMMING A TUNE]
- Person want ♪
- To open a restaurant? ♪
- Wow.
Hi.
Sorry. So tired.
I don't want to be a line cook
anymore. I can't make
any more surf and turf.
I don't want to make food
for people ever again.
That's too bad, because I found it.
- Found what?
- Where your restaurant's gonna be.
- What?
- I was driving home from work,
and you know how you can see
- that amusement park from the highway?
- Yeah?
Well, I got off at that exit
and I went and I rode the Ferris wheel.
You did? Why?
'Cause I hate that office, Bob.
I smile at everyone
and no one smiles back,
and they just want to
talk about insurance.
I mean, it's an insurance company.
Listen. I rode the Ferris wheel
and then I walked around a little bit,
and that's when I saw it.
Wait, wasn't that amusement
park just in a lawsuit?
I-I don't know if someone
died on the Ferris wheel
or if their foot got chopped off
Bob, shh, shh, shh, shh. Let's go
look at the space tomorrow, okay?
- Okay.
- Great. All right, you can
- go to sleep now. There you go.
- Thank you.
Well, it's next to
- a funeral home.
- Yeah.
But only on one side.
We-we won't look over there.
"Who Framed Roger's
Rabbit Pet Photography."
That place probably does well, right?
Oh, crap.
- You hate it?
- No, I love it.
I knew it. I'm smart.
Mm. My stomach's feeling weird.
That's how you know it's right.
My stomach feels weird, too, but maybe
that's just 'cause I'm not
cut out to be a trial lawyer.
And that guy got himself
a perfectly good fake foot.
- Oh.
- Sorry, I don't know
why I even brought it up.
Let's talk about your "restaurant."
I'm not sure why it's in quotations.
Hard to qualify for a commercial lease.
- You have credit references? Collateral?
- Um
Could be a problem,
that you said "um."
- Mm.
- And what country have you
recently emigrated from?
- Uh, here?
- Oh. With that accent?
- Accent?
- Pronounce your name again?
- Bob?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm hearing an accent now.
Bob
does it have to be a restaurant?
- Uh
- I'm just saying
because of how often they fail.
- They fail a lot.
- [LINDA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
And there are
several parties interested
in that property.
- Oh.
- Oh.
But my father briefly sported
a mustache like yours.
And it had a similar smell.
You can smell my mustache?
I seem to be downwind of it, yes.
So, if you can line up your financing,
then you can have the space.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]
Now, if you'll excuse me,
- I've got to go fire a carnie.
- Oh.
- From a cannon.
- Oh. - Oh.
It's Friday, after all.
- Yeah, makes sense.
- Sure.
[WOMAN] So, Mr. Belcher,
after reviewing your credit score,
we have determined
that you do not qualify
for the local business incentive loan.
- Oh.
- Damn it.
Sorry. Sorry. Uh, who are you again?
This is Mr. Dowling.
He's shadowing me today.
Well, uh, will you give us a loan?
That's not how banks work.
I was just seeing if he was nicer.
I definitely wouldn't
give you a loan. Denied.
- Oh, he's meaner.
- Mr. Dowling,
I get to say "denied." Denied.
- Yup.
- Well, I'm still takin'
- a butterscotch.
- You may have one.
- Mr. Dowling.
- Sorry.
You may have one each.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
[BOB] Well, that's it.
That was our last chance.
Well, that butterscotch tasted terrible.
It did? Mine was good.
- No, it wasn't.
- All right.
Hey, you know, we could get that loan
if we use my money as a down payment.
Your condo money? No, no, no, no, no.
You've been working and
saving since you were 15.
You were gonna put it
into owning a condo,
which is a great idea. I-I
hope you let me live there.
I mean, we are married,
so you're high on the list.
Your parents would kill me. I
mean, I can probably fight Al,
but I can't fight Gloria.
And if they both come
at me at the same time,
from different sides, I
There's no way I could
Bob, it's my condo money.
And I "con-doh"
anything I want with it.
What if I'm your investor,
your own private Warren "Buff-ay"?
- Buffet.
- Ha! Right. Imagine.
Linda, we've talked about this.
We can't use your money
to open the restaurant.
I-I couldn't handle it
if it didn't work out.
It'd be like asking you to put up
one of your kidneys as collateral,
- or-or your spleen.
- Bob.
You have to keep your spleen, Linda.
- It's your spleen.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I don't know what a spleen
does, but they're good!
Easy. Easy.
There was once a man
who dreamed a dream ♪
A dream of burgers ♪
Of beef, tomatoes, lettuce ♪
And some buns ♪
But sometimes
dreaming burger dreams ♪
And dreams of burgers ♪
Can make a burger
dreamer come undone ♪
Not talking well-done ♪
Not talking medium well-done ♪
We're saying burger dreams ♪
Can make you ♪
Come undone. ♪
Bob.
Linda. Is everything okay?
I know you don't want to use my money
to start your own place
'cause you're worried
that you'll fail and you'll
take me down with you.
But you don't get to tell me
what I do with my money, buddy.
My parents don't get to either.
You know what my dream is?
I want to help build something,
something that makes people happy,
something that makes the world
better in some little way.
You really want to be careful
about where you put your money.
Safest place is probably real estate.
Buy a condo, or a
Bup, bup, bup, bup. You're
gonna make great food, Bob.
You're gonna make people happy,
and I want in. So if you don't let us
use this money to do that,
I'm gonna kick your ass.
She'll do it. She's got the crazy eyes.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Yeah. You know, I'd rather
fight your mom than fight you.
Oh, Bob!
- Ooh. So wet.
- Also,
um, remember how I
thought that butterscotch
- was weird? From the bank?
- Yeah?
Well, I had another butterscotch today,
and that one tasted weird, too.
Okay, a lot of butterscotch talk.
Listen, I told my friend
Ginger about the butterscotch,
and she said maybe I
should take a pee test.
- For drugs?
- Obviously. The eyes.
No, a pregnancy test.
Stuff tasting weird is a thing.
And I did. Do the test.
And I am. Pregnant.
- What?!
- Right?!
That-that's great.
Wait. Then we definitely
- shouldn't start the rest
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shush.
- Yeah, you definitely shouldn't
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shush.
This baby is part of my dream, too.
- It's just nice to be touched.
- Oh.
I mean, I'm very happy for you two.
♪
[LOUISE VOCALIZING]
[LOUISE AND GENE VOCALIZING]
[BELCHER KIDS VOCALIZING]
[TEDDY CRYING]
Um, how you-how you doing,
uh, Terry
- Teddy.
- Teddy is your name,
is what I was gonna say.
Uh, do you need some water or something?
I'm fine. I'm not really a water person.
Denise she loved water.
Denise!
- [SOBBING]
- Okay, I got a chalkboard
for the burger of the
day, and look what else
I found. Flying burgers.
Little burger angels.
Great, maybe hang it in the back.
Oh, that's where you want to put it?
- [TEDDY CRIES]
- Is he crying again?
Yeah.
Maybe we shouldn't have hired someone
who's going through a terrible divorce?
He was so cheap. Plus, how
were we supposed to know?
Well, I mean, when we met him,
he said, "Hi, I'm going
through a terrible divorce."
- Yeah.
- [MORT] Hello.
Oh, hi, neighbor.
Mortician neighbor Mort.
Think of a name for this place yet?
- Not yet.
- Oh.
Well, if my clients are
hungry, I'll just say,
"Go next door to the
place with the food."
And if you have any
potential business for me
Any dead people?
- Yeah, just send 'em my way.
- [CRYING]
[WHISPERS] Is he still crying?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Should he be closing his eyes
- like that while he hammers?
- Ow!
[REGULAR VOLUME] Okay.
Well, embalming calls.
I've got people to pickle.
- Oh, God.
- Bye.
Bob, we do need a name. We need a sign,
we need to print menus.
I know, I know.
I had some more, uh, really good ones.
Um, "Without Burger Ado?"
- Eh
- "Cow Chow?"
- Nah.
- "Blessed Are the Meat?"
- [GASPS]
- Wait, you like that one?
- "Bob's Burgers."
- Oh. No, no.
We should call it "Bob's Burgers."
No. No, no, no.
I couldn't do this without you, Lin.
The name shouldn't be just me.
People are gonna know you
couldn't do this without me.
It's gonna be obvious.
I mean, look at you.
Yeah. [SNIFFLES] you're a mess.
- [BOB] Mm.
- Okay, "Bob's Burgers" it is.
[SIGHS] I don't feel s-so good.
So, what kind of food
are you gonna make?
- What?
- Burgers?
Ha! No way. What are the odds?
We have to hire someone.
You're gonna be too pregnant to work.
We can't afford to hire anyone.
I can work for a few
weeks until the baby comes.
I'm cheap. And easy.
Plus, you need me out there.
Unlike the cook, I'm good with people.
I-I'm good with people.
- Nah.
- I mean,
people just don't seem to
get how good I am with them,
and then I get mad at them for that
- because that's wrong.
- It's okay.
They're being wrong.
Stick to the food,
kid. Oh, baby's kicking.
- Feel it.
- Oh, yeah.
Talk to her, go ahead.
Uh, okay.
Uh, hey, baby.
It's Bob. But, um, you can call me Dad.
I'm so excited to meet you.
And to open the restaurant.
So glad we're doing
both at the same time.
It's crazy. Are-are we crazy?
- I mean, are we?
- Okay, that's good.
Sorry. Do you think she could tell?
Tell what?
That I don't know if I can do it.
- Do what?
- Any of it.
Oh, hush. Babies are dumb.
Have you ever smelled ♪
A man who stands near a
greasy grill all day long? ♪
- Oh, it looks great.
- He smells like grease and fear ♪
- [BOB] Oh, I feel nauseous.
- Grease and fear ♪
Grease and fear ♪
Have you ever met a woman ♪
Who sleeps near a man ♪
Who smells like grease and fear? ♪
She smiles a lot ♪
- [MURMURING]
- Just to pretend ♪
She doesn't mind the smell ♪
But you know that
she minds the smell ♪
- [TINA & GENE] Oh, she does ♪
- [LOUISE] How can you ♪
Not mind the smell ♪
Of grease and fear? ♪
[GAGS]
[RETCHES, COUGHS]
[GRUNTS] Oh.
Oh, my God.
[TOILET HANDLE RATTLES]
And Teddy didn't fix the toilet.
Hi. Welcome. Come on in. Sorry,
I ate all the burgers.
That's why I look like this.
[LAUGHS] Just kidding, I'm pregnant.
Calm down!
Bob, what's wrong?
- I threw up.
- You threw up?
In the employee bathroom.
- Oh.
- I almost didn't make it,
but then I did.
Well, uh, do you feel better?
'Cause you look better.
I think I'm gonna throw up again.
What? Why? Why do you keep throwing up?
- Are you pregnant?
- I don't know. Maybe?
Bob, you got to pull it together.
Customers get very judgy
when they hear the chef
- barfing in the kitchen.
- Well, that doesn't seem fair.
I'm gonna go take orders.
I love you. We're doing this.
No more puking.
- [ENTRY BELLS JINGLE]
- Happy grand opening.
Whoa! Mort. Hi.
You look like that.
I know.
Um, sit anywhere.
Okay, I got three burgers of the day
for table one, and a cheeseburger
and a burger of the day for table two.
- Okay?
- Okay.
What's happening? Why
are you walking like that?
This is how I walk now, to
keep stuff inside in my body.
- And I got 'em.
- Oh, my God.
Bob, just go outside
and get some fresh air.
I'll make some more fries.
Maybe if I say the fries
are free, people will think
everything's great and
no one's throwing up.
Uh-huh. Yup.
Bob, you're still holding
the Never mind, you're fine.
[WHIMPERING]
Doing good. Good job.
[WHIMPERING]
- Hey, Linda.
- Teddy, you came.
Yeah, you know, I just wanted
to see the booths in action,
see how the counter's holding up.
I'm not saying I was concerned
the counter wasn't gonna hold up.
I'm not suggesting that at all.
- Okay.
- Holy crap,
is that the mortician?
- Yep.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We-we don't do that anymore.
Bald guys just wear hats now.
You don't need to feed this
and put it in a cage at
night like that thing.
Whoa, you baldies are
a bunch of mean girls.
Oh. Get it together.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Yeah, seriously.
This is your grand opening, man.
[REGULAR VOICE] I know, I know.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
If you don't go back
in there, you're letting everybody down.
[REGULAR VOICE]
It's just, I'm just so nervous.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
Hey, You're blowing it,
pal! You're blowing it!
Sorry, sorry. I get a
little raw sometimes.
[LAUGHS]
[REGULAR VOICE]
All right, I'm gonna go back in.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
"Raw," like "raw patty?"
[REGULAR VOICE] No, I get it,
Burger. I'm gonna go in now.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Okay, I just feel like
you'd be laughing more if you got it.
[REGULAR VOICE]
I-I did. Uh, you're very funny.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Don't patronize me!
There he is. How you doing?
- [REGULAR VOICE] Better.
- Okay, great, now cook. Fast.
But also, really good. Teddy
the crying handyman came.
And Mort the mortician is here, too,
and he's wearing a toupee.
Not a need-to-know,
but I just didn't want you
to see it and get scared.
Thank you.
- It's never gonna work.
- I think it's gonna work.
- Not a chance.
- I'm feeling good about it.
Wait a second. You know
what? It's backwards.
- Oof.
- Huh?
Ah, jeez. Just flopping stuff around
like you're Mr. Potato Head?
[BOB] Order up.
Linda, order up.
See? There's these two.
And now I'll make more.
Yay, Bob. But take it
easy on the bell, huh?
Also, you got to pick up the pace, here.
We're full.
W-w-we are?
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- They're all gonna eat your food.
- Oh, boy.
- This is what we want.
- Oh, no.
- You sound great, got to go.
- [BOB WHIMPERS]
Okay. Oh, it's coming back up.
Oh, and and here it comes.
[RETCHES]
[MOANS]
Didn't make it that time.
Okay, washing vomit off my apron.
And we are done
throwing up. Wait, maybe not.
[RETCHES]
And what can I get Yow!
Oh, wow. Okay.
That was a lot of liquid. In my pants.
Sorry. I think my water just broke.
Oof. You folks good on water?
Just kidding. Will you
excuse me for a moment?
[STRAINING]
- Bob!
- [BOB] It happened again.
On my apron and then
on my shirt and pants.
I'm just giving it a quick rinse.
Everything's fine.
We're gonna have to wash my pants, too,
- 'cause my water just broke.
- What?
I'm having my own grand opening,
- and it's a little early.
- What?!
And contractions are
happening. Very much.
Oh, my God!
Hi, everyone.
Um, unfortunately, we need
to leave the restaurant
and, um, go to the hospital
because my wife is
currently having a baby.
[STRAINED] It's true, I'm having a baby.
Everyone's meal is on us.
I mean, the two burgers that we made.
- The fries are free.
- Uh-huh.
Teddy, uh, would you mind locking up?
- Okay?
- The keys to the restaurant
are in my pants, which
are in the sink
'cause that's where I keep them.
- Okay, thank you
- Thank you.
Everybody, for coming. Sorry.
Thank you. So sorry.
- Thank you.
- She's having baby
- and I had to take my clothes off.
- Thanks.
- Thanks a lot.
- So sorry.
And that's how you
produce an album, people.
Yup, we totally made sounds
with instruments and our mouths.
Uh-huh. And hearing it all together,
it's definitely sort of music?
Was that music?
Oh God, I'm forgetting
what music sounds like.
You kids done with the album already?
Yes! Why are you asking it like that?
Everything went perfectly
and we're super confident.
Okay, sorry.
Anyway, how's it going up here?
Prices still the
amount where we're poor?
Yes, for the moment. He
said, "I'm gonna chop onions
- till all this goes away."
- Smart.
Well, we're gonna go
upstairs and upload this puppy
to every possible corner of the Internet
and wait for the record
label people to come calling.
Definitely do not tie
up the phone lines,
and make sure there's
paper in the fax machine.
Um, guys, are we sure the album's ready?
I mean, it's done.
Doesn't that make it ready?
It's just, what if we're the only ones
that think it's good?
- What if no one else likes it?
- Not possible.
What if the world listens to our edgy
autobiographical food-industry-related
musical expression and says
"We hate it, this stinks"?
They all have a meeting and decide that?
- Yes!
- Aah!
Guys. Guys! [SHOUTS]
- Okay.
- Good point.
Now come on, let's go upload it.
Don't take too long.
Do you think The Rolling Stones' mom
said that to them when they
were uploading Steel Wheels?
No, she did not.
[LINDA] I love epidurals.
I'm gonna get pregnant
again just for these.
You should get one, Bob.
I don't think they'll let me.
Doesn't hurt to ask.
They gave you that gown. Are you okay?
What if it keeps happening?
What if I'm never not
always throwing up?
If it all fails, it's everything.
All your money. Your life. Her life.
Aw, Bobby. I really wish I
could get you an epidural.
Don't worry. People'll
pay more for your food.
Will they? We don't know that.
We do. I do. 'Cause I'm wise.
Like a wise, gorgeous owl.
Could be wrong.
- Ready?
- Ready. - Ready.
Do they love it yet?
It's still uploading.
It's at one percent.
Remember when Tina was born?
Remember what you said?
[BELCHER KIDS VOCALIZING]
I didn't know you get pudding after.
Lin, that was incredible.
I'm so glad I never have to do that.
Oh, yeah. I've heard
you in the bathroom.
Sometimes, you barely get through that.
Yeah. But hey, am I weirdly
good at holding babies?
I feel like I am, right?
Wait. She's not upside down, is she?
- What?
- No, no, that's a head.
So, when should we open up again?
Oh. Uh
We should do another
grand opening, right?
With less fluids flying around.
Hmm. Could try it that way.
Are you gonna be up for it?
Yeah. I-I feel good.
I thought I'd be more
scared when she got here,
but actually, I feel less, somehow.
I don't have to be in my head anymore.
I just have to be
what she needs, and she
needs me to be not scared,
so I won't be.
Oh, yeah.
- I said a smart thing.
- You did.
I mean, I'll still be scared.
But not, like scared-scared.
In the big scheme of things,
I'll be normal scared.
Sometimes.
I'll-I'll feel it out. You get it.
- I did it.
- Yes, you did.
- It'll be okay.
- Better than okay.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [ENTRY BELLS JINGLE]
Good news, our album demo
is 14% uploaded.
- Yay, it's a hit!
- Whoa-ho-ho!
Look at mister businessman,
raising his prices.
- Right?
- Uh-huh.
[GENE] I'm still not seeing
shrimp tempura up there.
Anyone else concerned about that?
- Mm, no.
- Can we add takoyaki?
Y-You two sure about this?
- Yes. Why?
- Tina, shush.
I'm just saying, it's a big change.
Maybe we should all process it more.
- Tina, you're grounded.
- Sorry.
Not really. But shush.
Order up.
Hi, Tina.
Oh, my God. Is that blood?
What? No, that's ketchup.
- Here you go, Teddy.
- Thank you.
Had to have one more
burger in here, you know?
Probably won't see me much
more after this, though.
No offense. I'm more of a burrito guy.
Hey, is that Mort?
Holy crap. It worked.
By the grace of God,
he made it work.
You need change, hon?
Keep it. Best burger of my life.
I feel like a different person.
Thank you.
Huh.
Oh, we should open up.
[SIGHS] Another day in this dive.
I guess at least we'll have stories
to tell our kids about how
miserable we were before
- we clawed our way out of here.
- Yeah.
- [BOB] Yup.
- Aw.
Have you ever ♪
Smelled a man who stands ♪
Near a greasy grill all day long? ♪
He smells like grease and fear ♪
Grease and fear, grease and fear ♪
Have you ever met a woman ♪
Who sleeps near a man ♪
Who smells like grease and fear? ♪
She smiles a lot just to pretend ♪
She doesn't mind the smell ♪
But you know there's another smell ♪
And that's the smell ♪
Of Bob and Linda's dreams ♪
And Bob's B.O. ♪