Bob's Burgers s16e03 Episode Script

1
Putting up fake spider
webs for Halloween ♪
But maybe a real
spider will use them ♪
Because his little silk
shooter thing is broken ♪
I think it's called the web weiner ♪
[BOB] Hmm.
[LINDA] Hey, kids, how was school?
- Math-y, did you math?
- Don't math, don't tell.
Hey, so any progress on
our Halloween costumes?
Those things don't make
themselves, you know.
- Tick tock. Right, lady?
- Nope. Not yet.
I've been down here all day.
Why? And don't say
because of the restaurant.
We got plenty of time.
Halloween's still, like,
a week and a half away.
Wait, what are your costumes again?
Rocky Bal-boa constrictor.
Gene Tripplehorn.
Me with three horns.
Here, here, and dealer's choice.
I'm gonna be that
bridge from Bridgerton.
I haven't seen it, but I'm assuming
the bridge is a big character.
- Sounds right.
- Hey, everybody.
- [BOB AND TINA] Hey!
- [GENE] Waddup?
Hey, Teddy! Haven't seen you all day.
Even though you're working right
next door at the creepatorium place.
It's not a creepatorium, Mother,
it's an occult boutique.
The best kind of boutique.
- What's it called again?
- Freaky Antiquies.
Teddy, tell us everything.
Start with the freakiest thing
you've seen, and then go from there.
Uh, a cursed necklace with spikes
pointing towards your throat.
- What?
- Black magic dice with mysterious symbols.
- You roll them and they decide your fate.
- Ho!
It's creepy being in there,
but I couldn't turn it down.
Guy offered me a lot of money.
Rush job, right?
Yeah, he wants the whole
place open in three days.
Said he does 60% of his business
the week before Halloween,
so he needs it open ASAP.
That means "as soon as possible."
Thank you, Lin.
Yeah, I did the painting,
wallpaper, and shelves,
but now he wants me to build some
kind of bulletproof glass case
- for his very special items.
- Whoa.
He wants a digital
code lock on it too,
which I said I knew how to do,
even though I kind of don't.
That's like me with wiping.
But enough about this job.
Bob, did you end up
getting those tickets
for you and Linda for the
Halloween-themed Cake performance?
It's actually called Cake Me to Hell.
And no, we didn't get tickets.
Every time one of these
Cake spinoffs comes to town,
it sells out, like right away.
And there have been a lot of them.
Cakes On A Plane, The Nutcaker,
Cakin' It To The Streets, a
Doobie Brothers experience.
Well, you guys could at least
try to get standby tickets.
Standby tickets?
Yeah, you go down there
and you wait for no-shows,
and if you're lucky, you
score discounted seats.
Okay, uh, yeah. Let's do that.
What do you think, Linda?
Should we do it?
All right. Cheap Cake
for the cheapskates.
I should go wash my Cake shirt.
You wash your clothes, Dad?
I wash Cake shirt.
[LINDA] Bye, kids.
Wish us luck getting into Cake!
- Good luck getting a cake.
- Good luck.
Have her home by 10:00,
and don't be late.
I'm changing the locks at 10:01.
We're not running a youth hostel here.
Oh, hey, Teddy.
Wow. Still working, huh?
I'm on a deadline. Gotta finish up
the display case before tomorrow.
Aw. Okay, bye.
We're gonna go Cake our moneymakers.
Teddy, you're working in
an occult store at night,
when all the freaky stuff happens?
I try not to think
of it that way, but
This is fantastic, Teddy.
Hold on, hold on.
Hi, Teddy. If it makes you feel
better, you don't look that scared.
I mean, a little, in your eyes.
- Okay.
- Here, catch.
- Wait, what? What's this?
- A walkie-talkie.
In case things start coming to
life in there and attacking you,
we want to hear I mean, um, help.
- We want to help you.
- Oh, okay.
- Teddy.
- Aah! Oh.
- Hey, Gabriel.
- Hi.
- Can we chat inside?
- Sure.
Whoa! Did you see that guy?
Yeah, he looked like a vampire.
But also someone that
works in a vape store.
Oh, lovely. My voodoo dolls arrived.
Still no haunted jukebox, though.
That's annoying, but my
sign did come. Excellent.
[READING]
I saw it on eBay.
- I thought it was funny
- [CHUCKLES]
- but also, it's true.
- Uh-huh.
How's the display case coming along?
Good. I just have to put that
digital lock on that you wanted,
which I totally know how to do.
So you should be able to
open the store by tomorrow.
Wonderful. I have a mask in this box.
We need to lock it in
there as soon as possible.
I have to drive to Bog Harbor
tonight to pick something up.
I would keep the mask with me,
but I don't want to be in
the car with it that long,
because it is powerful and terrifying,
and I would not feel safe.
Oh, but I'll be okay with the mask?
I mean, probably?
Just don't look it
directly in the eye holes.
Okay. Aah! I did it right away.
It's okay. One time is probably okay.
Aah! Damn it, I did it again!
- Okay, maybe just
- Aah! I can't stop!
- I keep doing it.
- All right, I'm just gonna close this up.
I have to get going.
Remember, once you complete the
case, put the mask inside and lock it,
and most importantly,
do not let anyone into
this store tonight.
Not even me.
Got it. Wait, not even you?
No, because there's a very
good chance it won't be me.
It will be someone who looks like me,
who will swear to you that they are me.
Uh, but if it's not you, who is it?
My brother Gideon.
Some people call him my evil twin.
Because we were born on
the same day, and he's evil.
- Oh.
- But he'd do just about anything
to get his hands on this mask.
Anything.
Okay, we all set then?
Uh, should we come up
with maybe a code word
that we can say to each other,
so I know when it is you?
Uh, sure.
What about "Mephistopheles"?
The fallen angel of German folklore?
Oh, I was thinking something
simpler like "puppy,"
but we can do Mevicici
- Mavisoc Mavisoc
- Let's just do "puppy."
Great. [CHUCKLES] Puppy.
Well, I'm skedaddling.
Lock this door behind me, please.
And remember, let no one inside.
Not even you.
Not even me.
Good man.
[LOCKS DOOR]
[SCREAMS]
Stupid voodoo dolls!
Sorry, you're fine.
Don't voodoo me.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [RADIO STATIC]
- Aah!
[LOUISE] Teddy, come in.
Hi, I'm here.
[LOUISE] Great. So was that guy you were
talking to a vampire or Satan himself?
Uh, I mean, he dropped off the
scariest mask I've ever seen in my life.
So that's here with me now.
Oh, and at some point, his evil twin
brother might show
up and try to steal it.
- Amazing.
- Teddy, it's Tina, from the restaurant.
It's okay to be scared.
I mean, you're alone and you
have so much to be scared about.
That's helpful.
[LOUISE] Listen, we're right next door,
so we can keep an eye on the street.
Also, you should probably
send us a picture of the mask
so I can see how horrifying it is.
Text us on the emergency phone.
Oh, God. Okay. But I'm not
supposed to look it in the eyes,
so I'm gonna shoot it
without looking at it.
[GENE] Don't forget
to get one silly one.
- [SCREAMS]
- Whoa!
I want one.
- Should've ironed this, right?
- It's fine.
Ooh, bacon-wrapped hot
dog cart over there.
Aw! They smell good. They
probably do that on purpose, right?
To attract more people to the arts.
Oh, the line's moving.
Yep, line's moving. Here we go.
Please, let there be enough Cake for us.
You're in luck, folks.
Two more no-shows means
last two seats go to you.
- Yes!
- Yay!
We're here! We're
here! Sorry we're late.
Someone had a kidney stone.
Oh, looks like the
no-shows are yes-shows.
Sorry, you two.
He didn't seem that sorry at all,
based on the way he slammed the window.
Well, since we're dressed up,
should we go have a nice dinner
at the bacon-wrapped hot dog stand?
We could slap them
together like the Cake show.
Yeah, okay.
Teddy, I searched "evil mask,"
"murder mask," "haunted mask,"
and I haven't found
anything that matches.
[TEDDY] Good. I'd rather
not know anything, Louise.
I just want to put
the lock on this case,
and walk out that door
as soon as possible.
Uh, maybe don't walk out too
soon because he's coming back.
- Hello.
- Aah!
Hi. I forgot my glasses.
Could you let me in?
Uh, I don't think I could do that.
You told me that if someone that
looks exactly like you shows up,
don't let you in.
Yes, I said that.
And good job, by the way.
But it's me, Gabriel,
and I need those glasses
to drive at night,
and then after I leave, go
back to not letting me in.
What's the code word?
Oh, uh
Seriously? You don't
remember the code word?
You said it should be a weird one.
I said it should be puppy and
Right, yes, "puppy."
Argh! I just gave it away.
Come on, don't don't be like that.
Just just open the door.
I'm sorry. I can't.
Fine. I'll just drive back to my
place to get my other pair of glasses,
which make my nose look
quite bad, but whatever.
You're welcome.
Teddy, what happened? Over.
[TEDDY] Well, he said he was
Gabriel, but I don't know.
He said he forgot his
driving-at-night glasses.
- [GENE] Typical.
- [TINA] Wait, he's coming back again.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- Oh, God.
Uh, hi?
Hi, could you please let me in?
What? Didn't we just go over this?
Right, no, sure, I know,
but it's a bit of an emergency.
You see, I had some soft cheeses,
and it's put quite a spell on my bowels.
I need to use the toilet immediately.
You didn't need to
use it two minutes ago?
Uh-huh, yep, that's right. [CHUCKLES]
That is the dark power of dairy.
Please. If I keep having to
not open the door for you,
I'm never gonna finish
this digital lock.
Digital What?
Lock. Digital lock for the display case.
Oh, right, right, right. Right.
- Do you not remember?
- No, no, no, no.
I remember. I
That's why I said "right."
It's just, my bowels
are clouding my memory.
Uh, and how much longer do
you think that will take?
I don't know. An hour, maybe?
I definitely know how to do it.
Yes, of course you do.
I'll find another place
to summon my demons.
I'll see you soon.
- Okay.
- Very soon.
What was the last part?
Nothing. I'll just
Just see you later.
Teddy, come in. Are you okay? Over.
[TEDDY] No, I don't like this.
This is why you don't work for twins.
[LOUISE] You need to
hide that mask. Right now.
What? Why?
[LOUISE] Because what if that was the
evil twin, which it's got to be, right?
And he comes back and he
overpowers you and gets in.
He's gonna overpower me?
And then he grabs the mask, and
then the evil twin has the evil mask.
Aah! You should keep those
two things separate, I bet.
Uh, okay, I'll hide it.
- [LOUISE] Somewhere good.
- [GENE] Maybe the Cayman Islands.
Mmm. Oh.
Should we go back and have one more?
Maybe. And then afterward, we
just go straight to the hospital.
[GASPS] Bob, look, it's
a skeleton Cake person.
Oh, my God. I think
I recognize that guy.
I'm pretty sure that's
one of the original
cast members from
when we first saw Cake.
You should go say hi.
- What? No.
- Come on, we're going.
- Linda, no. No!
- Hi.
- Hello. Hi.
- Oh, God.
Hi. Sorry, but I, um
I love Cake.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
- Yeah, I wear this other times, too.
- Uh-huh.
We tried to see the show
tonight, but we didn't get in.
But we saw you when the
original Cake came through here.
Shouldn't you be in there right now?
I'm actually only in the second
act, as skeleton number three.
- Wait, what?
- Oh. Well, I bet he's the best one.
Not really. I'm just in the back,
patty-caking a guy
dressed as a candy corn.
It's humiliating, frankly.
- That's crazy.
- I agree.
I was just standing here
wondering if I should walk away.
- Uh, you're gonna walk away?
- Thinking about it.
In fact, talking to you might be
just the push I needed.
- Oh, God.
- On second thought,
- maybe we shouldn't have said hi.
- Maybe not.
Okay. I hid the mask in the basement.
Is anyone out there?
[GENE] Nope. I mean, I don't think so.
We had a bit of a
snack attack. [CHUCKLES]
Don't worry. No one got hurt.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- Except for that banana.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[MAN] Hello? I got a delivery
for Gabriel. Hello?
Oh, it's just the delivery guy.
Hey. Sorry. That must
be the haunted jukebox.
Uh-huh, sure, whatever.
I need a signature.
Could you do me a favor and just
slide the form under the door?
I Okay.
- [TEDDY] So just sign anywhere?
- Where it says "signature."
[TEDDY] Okay. Here you go.
So how do you want to get this in there?
[GROANING] I got it. I got it.
You stay back. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Okay, so I got that inside.
- Gracefully.
- Holy crap!
The Veraxion executioner's mask!
Originally used in the Middle Ages,
the Veraxion executioners
wore the mask to strike fear
and protect their anonymity.
Okay, that's plenty. Thanks.
[LOUISE] The mask became notorious
after a series of
sensational murders in London
- in the 1880s.
- Yup, got it.
An occult group claimed the
masks granted them immortality
when worn during ritualistic murders.
It is believed they
killed at least eight
people before fleeing to Eastern Europe.
Stop! Stop! No more about the mask!
[GENE] Teddy, it's okay. The door's
locked, and the mask is hidden.
And there are no crazy murderers in
there to use it on you. So you're fine.
Right. Right. Okay.
Nothing to worry about. Safe inside.
[SIGHS]
How are you feeling, Teddy?
How's our boy?
[TEDDY] I'm okay, given the
circumstances. Actually, I think I'm
- about to finish this in
- [BEEPING]
I did it. I got the
digital lock to work.
Told you I knew how to do it.
[TINA] Congratulations.
[GENE] You did the thing you told
your employer you were going to do.
- Hmm. That's weird.
- [LOUISE] What?
The jukebox. It's open.
And there's none of the things inside.
There's no records.
[LOUISE] What the hell? Why would
Oh, boy.
Well, what, "oh, boy?"
Don't say "oh, boy."
[LOUISE] Well, I'm just thinking that,
what if someone was hiding in there?
- Oh, boy.
- [GENE] So there might be someone
in the store with Teddy.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[LOUISE] Oh, my God.
What if this was the plan all along?
What are you talking about?
What was the plan?
[LOUISE] To sacrifice you.
What? Who's sacrificing me?
The evil twin? Oh, my God.
[LOUISE] No, no, no, Teddy.
What if there was no twin?
No twin?
[LOUISE] It all makes sense.
Gabriel gives you a job in his shop,
he acquires this freaky mask,
he makes up this evil twin story,
orchestrates this whole
scenario where you publicly
turn him away several times,
witnesses can attest to it,
then you just wheel him right
in undetected in the jukebox.
[GENE] Lord knows what he did to
all those golden oldies in there.
[LOUISE] He gets out of
the jukebox, sacrifices you,
I'm so sorry, the cops find you dead,
Gabriel looks like a
completely innocent guy
you wouldn't even let in the store.
Oh, God, what do I do?
[LOUISE] You run, Teddy.
You run like hell.
Aah!
Where is the mask?
I'm not telling you.
If I tell you it's in the basement,
then you'll know Oh, damn it!
Take me to it.
- Can I not?
- No.
When we first started doing Cake,
it was about something, you know?
We were young and opinionated.
We were reacting to the first Gulf War.
- This? It's a joke.
- Totally.
There's a sequence in the original show.
We called it "The Baker's Man."
Oh, I know The Baker's Man.
That's all about the
military industrial complex
- and where we are as a society.
- Amazing.
Well, I reminded the director of
this production about The Baker's Man.
I told him it means more
now than ever, and he said,
"No one would get it,
no one would care."
Unbelievable ignorance.
Still, don't walk away, right?
What would you do?
I don't know, finish my PhD?
No, don't do that.
Look, I just want to say, I
think I would be a huge mess.
I've got a lot of blood, like
more than the average person,
so you're looking at a lot of
clean up, and then I'm pretty hairy,
so I don't know if you'd have
to shave me beforehand, but
Uh, yeah, you don't have to talk.
Okay, fine. Here's the mask.
And I'm just gonna hand it to you
[GRUNTS]
- Oh, bloody hell.
- Sorry.
[WHIMPERING]
- Hello.
- [SCREAMS] What the
Thank you for holding the door.
How polite.
- Can you help me with this altar?
- Altar?
Yeah, that's why I went to
Bog Harbor, to meet the dealer.
It's nice, right? Slavic, sacrificial.
It's got a few dings and dagger nicks,
but I think that makes it charming.
Anyway, don't forget
to lift with your legs.
One, two
- Gideon.
- Gabriel.
Aah! You're both here to do it.
Teddy, give me the mask.
No, Teddy,
- give me the mask.
- Don't come near me.
[SHRIEKS]
I finished the case, by the way.
Teddy, can you hear us?
Teddy, come in. Over.
Damn it! Gabriel came back.
Now both twins are in there.
So wait, there are
twins? I'm so confused.
Yeah. Turns out the whole
"just one guy" theory
that Tina had was very wrong.
- What?
- [SIGHS] We gotta get help.
- We should call the police.
- And tell them
there may or may not
be one to two evil twins
using an evil mask to sacrifice our
handyman, we think, we're not sure?
- Yeah, maybe not.
- Call Mom and Dad?
You think they have
their phones on in Cake?
- [BOTH] Right.
- We gotta help Teddy.
We've got to go over there.
[BOTH] What?
Fitz, there you are.
Two-minute warning.
Thanks.
In two minutes, they're gonna realize
I'm taking the PhD train.
Next stop, New Life Town.
Okay, wait. What if
there's someone like me
in the audience tonight?
Someone who didn't realize the
power of Cake, and then they see you,
and it makes them believe
in magic and beauty.
Even if one person experiences
that, isn't it worth it?
Well, ideally, it's
more than one person.
That's that's so few.
But maybe you're right.
- Really?
- You know what?
I'm gonna go back in there,
and patty my cakes off.
That's the spirit.
Hey, I'd love to have you two
as my guests for the show
- [GASPS] Wow.
- Oh, my God, yes!
but I can't. Sorry.
- [BOTH] Oh.
- I can't even get my parents on the list.
But I could give you a high five.
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
Oh, boy. Such a small space.
So little air. Otherwise,
this would be a perfect plan.
Teddy, can you get out
so we can talk about this?
No, I'm claustrophobic, but
I'm even more sacrificophobic.
What? What is he talking about?
Oh, he thinks we're
going to sacrifice him.
That's why he told me
about his hairy body.
I was like, "What?"
How did you even get in here?
Did you hide in the haunted jukebox?
Guilty.
I knew you'd do something like this.
Oh, please. You're the one
that stole the mask from me.
Oh, this again. The mask is mine, Teddy.
We used to own a shop together.
Evil twins, dark delights.
But we recently split and
divided the inventory
[BOTH] And the mask should go to me.
No, no, no, no. I purchased it.
Yes, but I located it.
At least I didn't run off in
the middle of the night with it.
[GABRIEL] No. You just
smuggled yourself into my shop
inside my haunted jukebox.
Who even knows if
it's still haunted now?
Yeah, so are you gonna sacrifice me?
Because that feels like
really important information.
- [BOTH] No.
- We sell the stuff,
we don't play with it.
Well, except for the voodoo dolls.
- We do like a bit of voodoo.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
Okay, so I'd like to come out now.
Great, yeah. So how do we open it?
Punch in 0000, and then the pound sign.
Okay.
- [LOCK BUZZES]
- Hmm.
Uh, try it again.
[BEEPS, BUZZES]
Are you hitting the pound sign?
Yes, yes, I am. Yeah, one second.
[BEEPS, BUZZES]
Oh, my God. I can't get out.
I'm losing air. I'm gonna die in here!
Wait, wait. Gabes, you know
that's not the pound sign, right?
That's the star sign.
Oh, wait, then what's the pound sign?
- Oh, my God!
- That.
Oh, that's the pound sign?
Then what's the star sign?
- [TEDDY SHOUTING]
- That's the star sign.
See? It looks like a little star.
[CHUCKLES] I mean, not exactly,
but I sort of see
what they're going for.
- [TEDDY SCREAMS]
- [LOCK BEEPS]
Oh. Oh, dear God.
Okay, well, Teddy, uh,
thanks for all the great work.
I mean, there's a lot of your
sweat inside the case now,
but I can clean that out.
Listen, I just want to say, you guys
seem like you had a good thing going.
It's sad to see that
end over an argument.
I personally think you guys
should try to work it out.
Who knows? Maybe you'll
find a buyer for this thing.
Oh, I found one.
- You did?
- I received an offer this evening,
which is why I came in the
creative way that I did.
- Well, who is it?
- Uh, Mansfield.
Mansfield?
He likes me. I bet I could
bump the price up a bit.
See? That's great.
Who is this guy, like a
history buff or something?
Oh, no, no.
This is a terrifying person,
- with dark purposes.
- Oh.
Yeah. He's going to do some
terrible things with that mask.
Which, you know, to each his own.
- It's none of our business.
- Except for that it's
[BOTH] literally our business.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Okay, so we all have our weapons.
Fork, whisk, zester.
We run in there and attack
anything that's not Teddy.
Unless we're wrong, then
we pivot to small talk.
Let's go.
Dear God, please
just be lemons in there.
On three.
One, two
[ALL SCREAMING]
I can't believe you
missed the high five.
The first time, but the
second time I nailed it.
Kinda. You made a weird noise.
I I did.
[SCREAMING]
- Teddy?
- Huh.
[SCREAMING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [WATER SPLASHES]
Should we go after him?
Or we just split the insurance
money on the mask. Call it a day.
I love that you said that.
Yes, let's do that.
Hmm. A fork, a whisk, and a zester.
Are you hunting werewolves?
Yes, obviously.
- Bye.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.
Trash days are Thursdays. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, I found my Halloween costume!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Freaky Antiquies ♪
[CACKLING]
Freaky Antiquies ♪
[ECHOING CACKLING]
Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man ♪
Bake me a cake as fast as you can ♪
Patty-cake, patty-cake, burger man ♪
Tried to high-five
but it didn't land ♪
Patty-cake, patty-cake, handyman ♪
Hairy sacrificial lamb ♪
Patty-cake, patty-cake, Belcher kid ♪
What were you gonna
do with that zester ♪