Bob's Burgers s16e04 Episode Script

1
I still can't believe
it. Me, Tina Belcher,
fired as a hall monitor.
- Uh-huh.
- I just
- I'm still processing.
- [SIGHS]
Thanks again for doing all these
counseling sessions with me.
- Yup. What?
- Um, so, could you?
- Counsel me?
- Oh, uh, sure.
How did it make you feel to be
fired from the hall monitors?
I was upset. I mean,
you know, you were there.
And also, you were the one who fired me.
Uh-huh. And how did that feel?
- When you shouted at me? Not great.
- Sure.
I keep playing it over
and over in my mind.
It all started when head monitor Maggie
was reading the monthly
post reassignments.
Yes, yes. I reassigned the posts.
It's the recommended practice
by the national hall
monitor advisory council.
It helps prevent burnout.
Anyway, there I was.
[PHILLIP] So glad you're
telling this story again.
Rudy, you'll be at south
hall first floor this month.
Ugh, pretty sleepy beat.
- What's that, Rudy?
- Happy to serve.
Tina, this month, you'll be
at north hall, second floor.
Copy that. Those north hall
kids better watch their steps
because there's nothing
cool about running.
Even though there is
that movie, Cool Runnings.
Uh-huh. Stuart,
you'll take over Tina's
old post on south
hall, second floor.
- Stuart.
- What?
- Ugh, Stuart.
- What?
Okay. Halls to the wall,
people. Keep it safe.
Well, excited about my new post,
still gonna miss my old post.
But that's the life, huh, Rudy?
You can always send it a post-card.
[CHUCKLES] Sorry, I can't turn it off.
[TINA] And then it happened. It
was sixth period. Flex period.
When kids have elective classes,
study hall, you know the drill.
[PHILLIP] I know the drill.
[TINA] There's more
foot traffic than usual,
so us hall monitors
- stay on duty the entire period.
- [PHILLIP] I said I know.
[TINA] So, I was monitoring the heck
out of that hall, and then I heard it.
The button on the fountain on
my old post was stuck again.
"Waterworld," we called it.
- I did. I was hoping it would catch on.
- [PHILLIP] It did not.
[TINA] Anyway, as you know,
Waterworld was Stuart's new post.
But, surprise, surprise,
Stuart was nowhere in sight.
I know we're not supposed
to leave our post,
but I couldn't do nothing while
things got wet and wild on that floor.
- But then
- [SCREAMING] Ow!
And that's what happens
when you leave your post.
People die! Or twist their ankles.
But the fountain was overflowing
Tina, what is the cardinal
rule of hall monitoring?
- Never leave your post.
- Never leave your post!
We all have to trust each other.
I know Stuart has something
that rhymes with Shmae-DHD,
but south hall second
floor was his post.
Just because you didn't see him,
doesn't mean he wasn't there.
Right. Wait, what?
And when you left your post, Cole
Riddley ran and twisted his ankle.
You know how I feel about
running in the halls.
I hate it. If I could
build weighted pants
that kept people's legs
from moving fast, I would.
Not again with the weighted pants.
I'm sorry I have to do this, Tina,
but I'm gonna need your
vest and citation pad.
Wait, what?
You're fired from hall monitors.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sure,
I messed up, I got cocky.
I thought I could do it all.
Fix the water fountain and
get back to my post.
But, hey, it's my first mistake.
- There have also been complaints.
- Complaints?
Students say you're too rigid,
not cool, North Korea-ish
Okay, well, yeah, of course the kids
I write up are going to complain.
Tina, these are from
your fellow monitors.
- What?
- There's been a friendly request
that you get kicked
out of hall monitors.
And this injury on your
watch was the last straw.
But you want me on that hall.
You need me on that hall.
Vest and pad, please.
[SIGHS] Can I keep the pencil?
It's got my chew marks on it.
Ew. Keep the pencil.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
So, yeah, that's what happened.
And now I feel like, who am
I if I'm not a hall monitor?
Just a regular dumb kid?
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- Thank God. And that's our time.
So, you good? We done here?
- Maybe four or five more sessions.
- Great.
Hey, T, how was counseling?
Are you fixed yet?
- [TINA GROANING]
- Gotcha.
Well, maybe you'll feel better
after a state-mandated lunch?
It is lasagna day. A girl could
lose her troubles in those layers.
I'll meet you in the cafeteria.
I'm gonna go to the
bathroom and pee, sadly.
Try standing up. I just
started doing it the other day
and it's working for me.
Aha! So you're the culprit.
You don't belong inside
the water fountain drain.
Silly wadded-up paper towels. You
should be clogging the toilets.
Ugh, my life.
Wait, isn't that the water
fountain Tina left her post to fix?
I believe so, if I remember the
story Tina's told us many, many times.
Huh. Doesn't it seem weird that
the drain was clogged like that?
Like, it was on purpose or something?
Totally, totally. But
also, walk faster, please.
I wanna get there before
the lasagna's all la-gone-a.
I did it. I finally got an appointment
at the DMV to renew my license.
Aw. Wait, how proud am I supposed to be?
Very. It's the hardest
thing I've ever done.
This website has a lot of forms, Lin.
There was so much clicking,
and then it would freeze,
and then I'd have to refresh,
and then I'd lose everything.
Everything, Lin!
- Okay. Okay, okay.
- But I did it.
Congrats! You did a thing
millions of people do everyday.
Thanks, Teddy. I'm actually really
excited to get a new picture.
Oh, yeah. That picture. Yeesh. Show 'em.
- Okay, but don't think of me this way.
- Ready?
- Yikes!
- Yeah.
[BOB] Yeah. I know.
[LINDA] You look like a sex
offender who won a raffle.
The lady bullied me into
smiling and that's what happened.
Yeah, I get it. Put it
away, put it away, Bob.
- Hi, everybody!
- Hey, Gretchen.
- Hi, Gretchen.
- Here's your to-go order, hon.
Thanks, Lin. I'm gonna eat it
during my gynecologist appointment.
- [BOB] Hmm.
- [LINDA] How's business at the salon?
Slow. I definitely need more clients.
- I'm considering dipping a toe into men.
- What?
Yeah, like I could do facial hair.
Styling beards and
mustaches is hot right now.
[GASPS] Bob!
Uh Uh, what?
You could be my mustache model.
- Uh.
- Yeah, I style your mustache.
I take some pics,
I put them on the wall so
people can see my looks,
and then, some of my ladies
bring their men the next time.
I get word of mouth
about your mouth-brow.
Oh, mouth-brow. That's fun, right, Bob?
I I can't leave
to go get styled, so
I can do it here, tomorrow.
It'll take no time. I gotta go.
My gynecologist gets mad when
I'm more than 30 minutes late.
Can I get some ketchup?
Never mind, they got it there.
I think the only way those paper towels
wound up in the water fountain drain
is if someone shoved them in there,
like on purpose. I mean, right?
Oh, yeah. There were signs of a shove.
Lunch jump! [CHUCKLING]
Wait, is that the seventh-grade
boy who twisted his ankle?
Yeah, Cole Riddley.
Sure looks like his ankle's okay now.
Yeah, and his dimples are
shockingly deep, as ever.
Huh. So, first, you
leave your post to fix
a water fountain that someone
clogged with paper towels,
and then, the person who supposedly
twists his ankle on your watch
is now jumping all over the place?
[SIGHS] If I was still an HM,
I would give him a lunch jump
citation so hard right now.
Oh, my God, Tina.
- I think you were set up.
- What? What do you mean?
Somebody wanted to get you fired
- from hall monitors.
- [GASPS]
Oh, hall no.
What? You think someone plotted to get
Tina kicked out of the hall monitors?
That jerk! I'll give him a monitor.
A hard monitor.
What did Mr. Frond
say when you told him.
- What?
- Nothing. We didn't say anything to him.
- Why not?
- Cole Riddley could stick to his story.
It'll seem like I'm
trying to clear my name
and get back on the HMs.
- Hall monitors.
- Thanks, Gene.
We need more than a
hunch and an accusation.
We need proof.
Smart. First, the proof,
then, the beat down.
- Mm.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Ugh, Gretchen keeps texting
pictures of different mustaches.
Are you and Mom in an open marriage?
No, your father's gonna be a
mustache model for Gretchen.
She's gonna style him up
tomorrow and take some pictures
and put them up on
the wall at the salon.
Why? Is she trying to get rid of a hex?
Or scare off someone she works with?
No, she wants to bring in more men.
- Don't we all?
- Tina.
Okay, there's Cole.
Let's go have a chat, but play it cool.
- Don't spook him.
- Right.
- Hey, Cole, how you doing, man?
- Uh, okay?
Oh, really? Are you okay?
I bet you are, punk!
Sorry. Sorry about her.
She skipped Pilates this
morning, and she is edgy.
So, looks like the
ankle's healing up, huh?
Uh, yeah, it's doing better.
That's so great. Good for you, buddy.
What's going on there?
Ooh, that's a doozy of a bruisy.
Bruise Springsteen over here.
Huh? I don't know. Must've
hurt it when I fell.
What? That wasn't in
the incident report.
I don't know. Must've
forgotten to mention it.
Forgot to mention it?
The only thing deeper than
your dimples are your lies.
- Tina. Tina.
- You like paper towels, Cole?
- Uh
- You like wadding them up real good,
- stuffing them where they don't belong?
- Tina.
- He's about to crack.
- Regroup, regroup!
Ugh, shouldn't we do this
in the bathroom or something?
Nah. I got my little
vacuum right here, Bobby.
- Ah!
- Okay, one more snip and done.
Wow, hot. Yeah.
- Do you love it?
- Uh
Sophisticated, elegant. I gave
you that gap in the middle.
Why have one mustache
when you can have two?
Oh, you look so good in the face.
Mm-hmm. I have one other idea.
We tint it. Frosted
mustache tips. "Frost-ache."
Uh, no, no, sorry. I really have
to get back to work, Gretchen.
Okay, that's fine. This pic is good.
This will get me business.
Who wouldn't want
to get their boyfriend's
nose bush to my shop when they see this?
Enjoy the twins, Harry and Connick Jr.
Uh, thank you.
[BOB WHINES]
Cole Riddley is definitely
hiding something.
Hiding a baguette in
those dimples, probably.
Shoes, shoes, shoes.
So many shoes these days.
What is this, Zappos?
[LAUGHS] Oh, that's good.
Uh, you know we can hear
you, right, Mr. Branca?
I find the shoes in the hallway,
I put them in the lost and found,
and then, the next day,
I find the same shoes
in the hallway again!
Save it for your memoir.
Okay, I think we should
talk to the hall monitor
who was closest to the water fountain
when it got clogged. Who was that?
Stuart. I heard he's covering Waterworld
and the post I got kicked off of.
South hall, second floor.
Or as I call it, "Where Tina got screwed
over and her whole
life was ruined" hall.
Catchy.
Flex period.
How about we go flex our
detective muscles on Stuart?
[GENE] Is he eating pink sugar puffs?
Fancy candy on a hall monitor salary.
[TINA] HMs aren't
supposed to eat on duty.
Ugh, he's wiping all the
sugar dust on his uniform?
Respect the vest, Stuart.
[LOUISE] Come on, let's go stir the Stu.
What? Now he's leaving his post.
- [BOYS PANTING]
- You guys hear that?
[BOYS GRUNTING]
What was that?
They were running during
flex period, without shoes?
They slammed into the wall, and
Stuart just wandered off somewhere?
Are you socking kidding me?
Oh, boy.
- What?
- Don't you see?
That's how Cole got
that bruise on his arm.
And Stuart, he's in on the whole thing.
They bribed him.
Paid him in pink sugar
puffs to look the other way
and let something happen
that you never would.
Sock racing. Illegal,
during class, sock racing.
- What the hell?
- Language.
I can't believe I got set up
just so stupid seventh-grade boys
could sock race without
getting in trouble.
I can't believe Dad isn't wearing
an ascot to go with his mustache.
- [SIGHS] Yeah.
- Why is it so shiny?
Are you using product?
Yeah, Gretchen put some product
in there and I can't get it out.
'Cause you'd have to shower.
Kids, stop. Your father looks great.
Just look anywhere but
the middle of his face.
I'll focus on his bosom.
[SIGHS] I'm shaving it.
I'm gonna shave it all off.
No! You don't wanna be bare-naked
lady face for your driver's license.
Plus it's not that bad, Bob.
No one thinks you look
like you marry wealthy women
who then die under
mysterious circumstances.
But enough about your
father's lip problem.
Tina, now can you to Mr. Frond
and get back on the hall monitors?
Not yet. Since a hall monitor is
involved, I wanna go to Maggie first.
She's the head hall monitor.
And then, together, we
bring it to Mr. Frond
and they double give me my job back.
And then throw me a GD parade.
Sounds like a good plan.
Gene, will you pass the peas?
You got it, Vaudeville bad guy.
Uh-huh.
Okay, HMs, let's go M those H's.
- Oh, Tina.
- Maggie, can we talk?
Of course. Step into my office,
which is actually right here.
I don't have an office.
I have some very disappointing news
and it gives me no
pleasure to report this.
- Well, some pleasure. Little bit.
- Okay.
So, the thing is, I witnessed
Pink sugar puff dust?
Tina? What? What did you witness?
Uh, I witnessed a
banana peel in the hall.
Uh, I threw it away.
I just wanted to tell you,
'cause, you know, they're killers.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, well, keep up the
good work. Bye, girl
Gene, Louise. Maggie knows
about the sock racing.
- She's getting bribed too.
- What?
She had that pink sugar puff
sugar dust all over her vest.
This goes all the way to the top.
- Whoa.
- Damn.
- Hey, guys, what's up?
- Are you in on it too, Rudy?
- Are you? Are you?
- Hey, what are you doing?
No dust. And I don't think
Rudy's ever been assigned
to south hall second floor.
Which means they never
needed to bribe him
or get him out of the way.
What are you talking about?
Tina, you have a very
intense expression.
And you gave me an armpit wedgie.
Rudy, come here.
The seventh-grade boys are
doing illegal underground
sock races during flex period.
What? No way. They would
never get away with that.
Oh, they're getting away with it,
- because they're bribing hall monitors.
- [GASPS]
They got to Stuart.
They even got Maggie.
No! Not head monitor Maggie!
Yes, head monitor Maggie.
Oh, dear Lord. What do we do?
We gotta tell Mr. Frond, right?
No, we're gonna show Mr. Frond.
We're gonna get Maggie on tape,
witnessing the sock
racing and doing nothing.
And also, hopefully talking
about all the bribes she gets.
And all in the style of Wes Anderson.
But wait, how do we get Maggie
to be there for the sock racing?
It's not her post, and she knows
to stay as far away from it.
Yeah. We need someone on the inside
to help lead her there.
Someone who's still a hall monitor.
Someone who still has all the access.
This person sounds perfect.
I hope they're brave enough.
Oh, it's me. Crap.
Eh, it just makes the rest
of your face look too big.
The nose, the mouth, just all of it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you, Teddy.
- [GRETCHEN] Hi, everyone.
- Hi, Gretchen.
So the picture's on the wall,
and I'm getting some interest.
My business is gonna be booming.
I'm gonna be riding that mustache
all the way to the bank.
Gretchen, that's amazing.
Bob, are you so happy?
Are you loving the new you?
Are you so bold and confident now?
A gentleman assassin in the bedroom?
I'll ask Linda later. [CACKLES]
[BOB] Hmm. Mm-hmm.
Wait. Do you not like it?
Um, I
A stylist knows when
a client isn't happy.
Wha what's the problem?
I I guess it's just
a little too cool for me?
Huh. I can make it less cool.
Why don't I get in there
and reshape it a bit?
I'll make it a little more conventional.
Oh, I don't know. [HESITATES] I can
- [CAMERA CLICKS]
- [GRETCHEN] There.
- [BOB WHINES]
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, boy.
- I can tell you like it, Bob.
A stylist always knows.
Yep. Yep.
Gotta run. I gotta go
back to my gynecologist.
I forgot my underwear,
and they won't mail 'em.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- I'm shaving it.
- You have to.
[RETCHES] I can't look
at it. I can't look.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[LOUISE] Okay. This angle is good.
Wow! This camera we checked
out of the media room
is pretty high end. How'd
our school afford this?
It was either this or books.
They made the right choice.
Hopefully, our undercover
man is holding it together.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
So I'm totally cool
with this whole thing
and I'm glad to be on the inside of it.
[CLICKS TONGUE] That's me winking.
Okay So Stuart told
you about the sock racing?
Uh-huh, and I want in.
I love corruption and candy.
And Stuart told you to
tell me he wants more candy?
Yep. So that's what I'm doing,
'cause I'm part of this now.
And the seventh-grade boys
don't want to give it to him,
so I have to go talk to them?
Yep. It's a whole thing, a
whole lot of big personalities.
You gotta go right
now before flex period.
[RUDY BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [GROANS] Okay, fine.
- Okay, great!
So, is everyone enjoying school today?
Wait, why is the floor glowing?
Maybe it's pregnant?
Oh, my God, the floors
are freshly buffed.
They're gonna be so slippery.
Damn you, Mr. Branca, and
your commitment to excellence.
I mean, it seems fun for the race.
No, no. It's dangerous.
Like, really dangerous.
That wall they love to slam into?
They're gonna hit it twice
as hard, maybe harder.
They're not just gonna bruise
their shoulders, Louise.
They're gonna crack their skulls.
Okay, well, that doesn't sound as fun.
Yeah, they're gonna get concussions.
They'll forget everything
they learned in school.
They'll have to start over.
They'll have to Billy Madison it!
[TINA] Oh, my God, oh, my
God, we gotta do something.
We can't exactly stop it 'cause
then we don't get them on camera
- and you don't get your job back.
- Plus, it's golden hour.
The lighting is mwah!
Well, I can't just stand
by and let people get hurt.
Maybe we can make the wall soft somehow?
- For when they crash into it?
- Oh, yeah, good idea.
Let's get some soft walls. Tina,
do you hear yourself right now?
Oh! Tumbling mats. There's
tons of them in the gym.
Ooh, I take naps on those mats.
Coach Blevins says that's not exercise,
but I toss and turn plenty.
Come on, they're heavy. I
need your help moving them.
Let's go. There isn't much time.
[GROANS] Okay, hold on.
Let me just hit record.
[TINA PANTING]
Tina, shh! Your shoes are so squeaky,
someone will hear and
that'll blow everything.
Well, your shoes are squeaky too.
Mine are more squawky.
- We gotta lose the shoes.
- Fine.
Fresh floors, meet my stinky feet.
[LOUISE] Ooh! Oh, my God,
it's so fun. I get it.
[TINA] Louise! But, yeah, it's fun.
[ALL GRUNT]
[BOYS PANTING]
[GENE] I hear seventh-grade socks.
They're gaining on us.
[TINA] Oh, crap. We gotta move.
[BOYS PANTING]
So, yeah, right after the race,
big talk with Stuart, right?
About taking more bribes
to look the other way
during dangerous sock racing?
Which is something me,
and you, and Stuart, love.
- Where is Stuart?
- Uh, he'll probably be here soon.
Let's just chill out and relax, Maggie.
- [INHALES DEEPLY]
- [MAGGIE] Huh?
Okay, Hold it steady.
What is going on?
Uh, hey, don't look at me.
I'm on the inside with you.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[BOYS PANTING]
[BOYS GROAN, GRUNT]
There they go. Running in the hall.
And we're not gonna do anything about it
because we get bribed in candy not to.
What are you doing, Tina?
I figured out what was going on.
And I'm keeping people safe, Maggie,
because that's our
duty as hall monitors.
Or did all those pink sugar
puffs give your brain a cavity?
You're not a hall monitor anymore, Tina.
Yeah, you made sure of that, didn't you?
But you are a hall monitor, Maggie.
You're here to protect
them from the world,
from themselves, from walls.
You don't get it. Seventh-grade boys
are gonna do this kinda
crap no matter what.
That's true. Tweens gonna tween.
So we might as well get some pink
sugar puffs out of the situation.
[LOUISE] And cut!
I think we have what we need.
- Huh?
- We got you.
Oh, crap.
- Good job, Rudy.
- Oh, thank God it's over.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
I'm not cut out to live a double life.
[EXHALES] I'm not Hannah Montana.
- Not yet.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, Maggie.
You set me up and got me
fired for a handful of candy.
It was more than a handful.
It's been so much candy.
My teeth hurt so good.
What did I miss? How's
everyone's flex period going?
Ah, Stuart
Tina Belcher, a word.
- What's up, F-bomb?
- Uh, what?
- Frond-bomb.
- [SPLUTTERS]
Well, anyway, this has
never happened before, but,
weirdly, the hall monitors wrote
letters asking for you to be reinstated,
so I guess you're back in.
And Maggie thinks you should be
head hall monitor for some reason.
Wow. Huh.
I wonder what caused them to
change their minds about me?
A deep respect, I guess?
It definitely wasn't 'cause of
any blackmailing caught on tape.
[LAUGHING] 'Cause who would do that?
Yeah, sure. Well, here.
[GASPS] My old vest!
Ah still fits.
I mean, it's been four days,
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- Actually, I need that back.
School's over, the vest stays.
Right, right. Just gonna
give it Oh, okay.
I still think Maggie and Stuart and
all the dirty HMs should have gone down.
I'll whip them into shape.
The halls are going to be so monitored.
And if any of those HM's
have a problem with it,
they can talk to the cam
corder's memory card that I have
- with the incriminating evidence on it.
- Yeah. Yeah, I know.
By the way, did you hear
that the seventh-grade boys
started doing sock races at the mall?
Not my hall, not my problem.
Good luck with that, Paul Blart.
Come on, let's get home.
- Okay, let's go!
- Yeah, baby!
Guys, no, seriously, don't!
No running in the halls!
You know I'm gonna have to
give you citations, right, guys?
[GENE] Shut it, narc!
[BOB] Oh, God, oh, no.
Please stay on, fake mustache.
[BLOWS]
Oh, this was a bad idea.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Hang on. Hang on.
Hang on, buddy.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
Take off our shoes ♪
We're ready to rock ♪
'Cause we like to roll ♪
In just our socks ♪
We're slipping and
sliding all around ♪
Because we've got no tread ♪
Slowing us down ♪
Sock racing ♪
Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom ♪
Sock racing ♪
Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom ♪
We're slipping and sliding
look at us tussling ♪
Keeping us safe
Avoiding concussions ♪
Sock racing ♪
[SCATTING]
Sock racing ♪