American Dad s16e06 Episode Script

1
So many careers to choose from!
I'm most excited
about the scientist.
Scientists are truly working
on the front lines of discovery.
Working on the front lines
of discovery
is not what I do.
All the good stuff that's
all done by computers now.
Oh.
I see lots of cute animals
every day.
And I put almost all of them
to sleep.
No matter how much I shower,
I smell like I'm wearing
a flea collar.
I got into being a cowboy
because it was manly.
But, ironically, the harsh
bumping of the saddle
has destroyed my dick and balls.
I'm so tired of candy.
Sometimes late at night,
I go to the kitchen
and I eat spoonfuls of salt.
I don't love my wife anymore.
Because of the candy?
Yes.
BOY: A real astronaut!
Okay, so, I'm not an astronaut.
- Oh!
- I'm a radio engineer.
- [grunting]
- That's right radio.
Does anyone here
listen to radio?
Free radios, kids!
Give it a try!
It's like podcasts,
but it works around our
schedule, not yours.
My show is
the morning-drive time,
every day on WLNG 98.2.
And if folks don't
start listening,
I'm gonna be homeless.
[squeaking]
[patriotic music plays]
Good morning, U.S.A.
I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
- Good
- Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A.
Is something the matter, Steve?
You've barely touched
your canned corn and cornballs.
I think it's that dang
career fair got me down.
All the adults their lives
seemed so sad and small.
Oh, you must have misheard them.
Being an adult is great.
Oh! What's great about it?
Well, there's, uh
You're peppering me
with questions.
Meanwhile, my corn's
getting cold.
You know, I picked my career
at my high-school career fair.
Housewife?
Circus manager.
But but you're not
a circus manager.
It's a long process.
I-I think she has
stopped talking.
I don't have a career,
but Teddy Sraberg sure does.
I'm Teddy Sraberg.
I work in the adult-film
industry,
but I don't do sex acts yet.
I drive the BangVan.
You know, the gray Econoline
that cruises around
while hard-bodies bang
in the back.
I didn't know you worked
for the 'Van!
Ever since I got banned
from MILF Catcher,
that's been like my main thing!
Do you want to know what
I did to get banned
from looking at a porn site?
It's bad.
Cilantro es cantante
Cilantro es muy fam
Pizza overlord
Ow-ow-ow-ow!
Rocking Ronnie here
- hittin' you with
- [static]
A career, a job
that's all there is?
MAN: You might think
that's all there is.
Live, work, die.
But that's not true.
I'm Palmer Elymas,
and this is The Wondercabinet,
an exploration of the hidden
mysteries of the universe.
On tonight's show,
the pineal gland
a small sac of fluid located in
the center of the human brain.
The third eye.
The Ancient Egyptians believed
you could vibrate
the pineal gland,
allowing the consciousness
to move any direction
in space and time
astral projection.
And every vertebrate in the
world has a pineal gland,
except one, the hagfish.
You are not a hagfish.
I'm not a hagfish.
PALMER: You're not!
The powers that be have
just gunked up
our pineal glands with fluoride.
Mm, fluoride. I don't know.
PALMER: Skeptical?
Listen to this esteemed
list of people
who believe
in astral projection.
Ric Flair,
Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake,
one of The Bushwhackers,
and René Descartes.
[gasps]
As you all know,
I astral-project frequently.
I've gone to the time
of dinosaurs.
No feathers, by the way.
Scientists get it wrong again!
I've watched the collapse
of the last bit of matter
in the universe
at the end of time.
I know who Banksy actually is.
It's "Captain" Lou Albano.
He's not dead, by the way.
Scientists get it wrong again,
again!
You want to see the wonders
of the universe?
Just put out your crystals,
vibrate your pineal gland,
and snap you're off.
Since all my listeners
are now successfully
astral-projecting,
I'll take this private moment
to say a shameful secret.
I have, in the past,
treated the Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Edition
as pornography.
Excuse me. Are you Mr. Sraberg?
So you're my trainee,
here to learn how to drive
the famous BangVan?
Yeah. [chuckles]
I mean, I'm hoping
to get in the back seat
at some point,
do some acting, you know?
Get in line.
I've been the driver forever,
so if anybody's getting that tap
on the shoulder, it's me.
Beautiful street, right?
It's not just the humping
people enjoy.
It's the scenery
going by the windows.
- [woman moaning]
- It's a huge part, I believe.
- Shhhh!
- Shh!
Just because you work
in a BangVan
doesn't mean
you can't be professional.
Rule number 1
eyes on the road.
You're gonna be tempted
to sneak peeks in the mirror,
but don't do it.
- [moaning in back seat]
- Oh, damn, that's hot!
Wow. Guys,
I ran a red just then.
Is this meth, Steve?
It's my rose quartz
to relax my neural pathways.
I've been listening to this
radio show hosted by Palmer
Radio is dead, Steve.
Stern is on SiriusXM now.
Astral projection?
Oh, Steve,
that's New Age garbage.
And a book? When TV?
What are you thinking?
Palmer says everyone used
to astral-project,
until our pineal glands
got gunked up with fluoride
The pineal gland is a myth!
Well, no one disputes
the pineal gland exists.
People just aren't sure
what the gland does.
Gland this, gland that.
Let's not talk about glands.
Let's talk about careers.
You could be anything, Steve.
Why, you could be
an endocrinologist,
whatever that is.
That's Are you
That's a doctor
who studies glands.
There's that word again.
I'm afraid I'm going to have
to forbid you
from listening
to that radio show.
But he's the only adult
I know who has
any wonder in his life!
Pff! You don't need
astral projection
to have wonder in your life.
Okay. Then where do I find it?
Um, um, look, you know
I know the answer,
but, uh, I'm tired,
you're tired,
and I don't want
to be up all night explaining
it to you when you're
not gonna get it.
Now go to sleep
and have sweet dreams,
or we're gonna have
big problems, mister.
- It's 4:30!
- [door slams]
Stupid Dad. Gah!
I'm shaking with anger.
Whoa! Whoa! What's happening?
MAN [muffled]: Help me!
Oh, God!
Help me!
DJ KAREN: Hi.
I'm DJ Karen Shipley,
filling in for Palmer, who
suspiciously didn't show up.
-Oh, my God!
-DJ KAREN: It's unlike him,
and he hasn't returned
any of our calls.
But, anyhoo, I'm just gonna play
"I'd Really Love
To See You Tonight."
I think I think
I astral-projected!
And and that room.
That must have been
where Palmer is.
He was calling for help.
I have to save Palmer!
Not much, how about you?
As soon as they play a bad song.
I'm not sure why I
Thank you all
for coming so quickly.
I apologize for the late hour.
If we're aiming to party,
look what Barry got
his little hands on.
My dad's friend left his
fringe jacket at the house,
and this was inside.
Palmer Elymas
is in trouble, guys.
Palmer Elymas?
That's your
talking goldfish, yeah?
He's the host of
The Wondercabinet.
Someone's attacking him
or kidnapping him.
He he knows too much.
He's saying too much.
About who?
Big Fluoride!
Should we call the police then?
We can't call the police.
You're damn right!
Not when I have this
much party powder on me.
I guess we can hide it
in our noses.
The police
will never believe me.
I only know Palmer's
in trouble because
I astral-projected.
You what?
Everything Palmer said is true!
I actually left my body
and traveled
to what must be Palmer's house.
You want us to go
to some guy's house?
He's the only one talking
about how incredible
life can actually be.
The radio station
has to have his address.
To the bikes!
No one wants my cocaine.
Feel like a frickin' idiot!
[knock on door]
Hey, Steve.
Sounds like you're watching
Revenge of the Nerds in here.
Let's start from the begi
He's gone.
Initiate Expert Tracker mode.
This open window is the perfect
place to stand
and wonder how he got out.
We've got to get there fast!
Let's cut through the cemetery!
I say we cross the playground
where we saw that condom,
then shoot down Mohawk Drive.
Mohawk perfect!
The tree roots pushed up
all the sidewalks,
turning them into little ramps.
Since time is of the essence,
we'll only take five minutes
to do totally sick bike jumps.
- 10.
- Deal!
- 15!
- Even better deal!
- [tires squeal]
- Whoa! That guy almost hit me!
- [moaning in back seat]
- I mean, I know it's my ticket.
It's just boy, you know,
I don't make much,
and this big number here
that's got me sweating.
What does everybody
in the back think?
It it should be me
that pays it
'cause I'm the one
that ran the red?
CAMERA OPERATOR: Quiet, Teddy!
Hey, new guy,
you ready to jump back here,
show us your stuff?
Yes, sir!
WOMAN: Ooh!
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
I quit!
- [crashing]
- Good luck getting people
to watch sex in a parked van.
[moaning in back seat]
I'm unquitting because
this just proves
someone from up here can
actually make it back there.
CAMERA OPERATOR: Shut up, Teddy!
STEVE: The radio station.
Palmer's home address
has to be in there.
We've just got to get
past the guard.
Let's forget this
radio-station business
and get a little high?
Get high! That's it!
There's a door up on the roof
of the radio station.
We just need to build
a big-enough jump.
A jump, you say?
- Here goes noth
- GUARD: What do we have here?
We're busted!
You little troublemakers
are going away for a long
A ramp?!
I haven't gone off a ramp
since I was a kid!
Watch this!
Time to fly like an eagle, baby!
[grunts] I broke my ass!
I'm so embarrassed!
They're gonna put me
in a big plaster diaper!
Oh, no!
[mellow music playing]
WILLIAM: You came!
You're interested in radio!
Don't push me into
the closet I sleep in!
[pounding on door]
Palmer Elymas the Vista View
Apartments on Third Street.
Mm, is there someone
special you'd like
to dedicate this love song to?
BARRY: A very important
woman in my life.
Just thinking about her
makes my heart race.
Love is just so, so special.
She's a cartoon bird
with big, red lips
that's in these
car-insurance commercials.
DJ KAREN:
She sounds incredible.
Here's Peter Cetera's
"Glory of Love"
from The Karate Kid II
soundtrack.
[tires squeal]
This tree is dry.
The roots have been
squeezed of moisture by kids
doing jumps off the sidewalk.
Four kids to be precise
three normals and a large.
- [vehicle approaching]
- They're heading east.
Whoa! This guy's driving
on the sidewalk!
And I'll tell you
something else.
- [moaning in back seat]
- People want to see someone
with a little paunch,
a guy who works for a living
have sex in the van.
Fine. Let's go.
R-R-Right now?
- Yes.
- But but who's gonna drive?
We'll park.
P-People need to see
the trees going by.
Tonight or never.
Okay, okay.
But I'm frizzing out.
At least let me wet down my hair
in a gas-station bathroom.
You've got to let me
make it nice.
Please!
Hmm. Makeshift ramp,
a loser with broken butt.
I've solved it.
This fool was trying
to relive his youth.
Maybe to impress some kids?
Judging by how dry
his mouth feels,
I'd say the boys left here
about 45 minutes ago.
Get your hands out of my mouth!
If you're looking for those
boys, they went
Stop! I want to
track them only by seeing
how moist things are.
[moaning]
Okay, best-case scenario,
Palmer's tied up inside.
So we can't just knock
on the door.
[knocks on door]
Barry, no!
What if the agents
of Big Fluoride are
Palmer? Y-You're okay!
I thought something
happened to you.
Something did happen to me!
I have a toothache,
which is crazy,
because I wipe my teeth with
a hand towel three times a day!
Uh, how do you know who I am?
From The Wondercabinet.
I'm a fan.
And guess what.
I astral-projected
right into your apartment.
Where where are
the astral charts?
Where are the crystals?
It's just a bunch of posters
of race cars?
Yeah!
You can't even drive
this one on the street
it's so fast.
I-Is there another room?
Another room?! I work in radio.
Who do you think I am?
King Ralph?
I astral-projected!
Really? That's wild!
I'd love to do that.
But but you have.
You said so on your show.
I just made that up.
So I didn't astral-project.
And you're just another
sad adult.
I am so sick of sad adults!
Aah!
My Lamborghini Veneno!
Steve, he's okay.
Why are you so upset?
We're supposed to pick a path,
but they all lead
to the same place
a small, sad life!
I thought there was another way,
but there isn't!
STAN: They should call you boys
Hurricane Katrina,
'cause you've been leaving
water all over town.
And you!
You want me to live the
smallest, worst life of all
yours!
You're a hagfish!
Aaaaaaaah!
Whoa! Is that his pineal gland?
Steve!
The astral plane.
I'm here.
Oh, God, I'm actually here!
It's real!
Okay, how does it work?
How does it work?
I should be able to just think
of a place and go, say Paris.
- [French accordion music plays]
- Magnifique!
I can go anywhere,
even Chimdale.
Wow! Chimdale!
It's like Paris on steroids.
It's all so beautiful!
I want to see everything.
I want to see everything Palmer
lied about getting to see,
to every time and every place,
to the last moment
of the universe!
Sad ending.
Got to stop reading
the last page of a book first.
Now show me dinosaurs!
Incredible!
The feathers are
so unpleasant, though.
[roars]
[Steve gasps]
Bu-gawk!
Oh, just awful.
Now show me everything!
[toilet flushes]
There we go.
Hey, you're great.
You're a nice guy.
People want to see you
do things.
Did you get in shape
the way you wanted?
No, of course not.
Did you eat like you were
an actor trying to gain
100 pounds for a role?
Yeah. So what?
Now are you ready to smash?
Yeah.
I said, are you ready to smash?!
Yes! Let me really hear it.
I'm gonna smash!
Yeah!
No! H-Help!
Can anyone hear me?
CAMERA OPERATOR:
Where the hell is Teddy?
I'm in here! My hair is wet.
I'm ready for sex!
TRAINEE: You know,
I was thinking,
what if we just used
a green screen
instead of driving around
all the time?
No! That's terrible!
CAMERA OPERATOR:
That could totally work.
No! Why can I hear you
and you can't hear me?!
TRAINEE: We wouldn't need
a driver at all!
I'm having a panic attack!
[gasping]
[chuckles]
Well, Roger's at it again.
What next?
Oh!
That strange room.
I forgot about that.
If it wasn't Palmer's room,
what was it?
I'm back! This is it!
But where is this?
Let's take it back in time.
It's Dad's study.
Where are you?
Where did you go?
[sobs]
Help me!
Oh, God, help me!
Dad was the one
calling for help
to save me.
[gasps] Steve! You came back!
Be careful.
That's Waterford glass.
I've traveled so far, Dad,
to every corner
of this universe.
I've seen so much.
Did I end up getting cast
as Hamilton
in the movie version
of Hamilton?
No.
Well, I owe Tuttle
a million dollars.
There's something I need to say.
No. You're back.
We don't have to talk
ever again.
I apologize for calling you
a hagfish
and saying your life was small,
for thinking anyone's life
was small.
I wanted something infinite,
but I didn't realize
I had it right here.
A love so big it moved us
across time and space
to find each other.
Is that what you couldn't
figure out how to say, Dad?
Is that what you wanted me
to understand?
No. That's stupid.
And even if it was what I felt,
how dare you say it out loud.
Don't touch me.
Get away from me!
What's say we pop open
that third eye,
do a little astral
projecting together.
[laughs]
I'm haunting my own house.
Boo!
Boo!
Dad, I told you
they can't see us.
What's the point then?
This sucks.
I'll show you something
that doesn't suck.
Whoa! Chimdale.
Now, this I could get used to.
Right?!
Bye! Have a great time!