Bob's Burgers s16e06 Episode Script

1
[TINA GROANING]
Ughh!
Everything okay, Tina?
A lot of moaning going on.
Are we just not bringing it this dinner?
Dad, step it up. We're losing Tina.
- Louise.
- Bob.
[TINA CONTINUES GROANING]
Aw, what is it, hon?
Mother, I can translate for Tina.
I believe "Ugh" means
Tina asked Jimmy Jr.
to go to the eighth-grade dance today.
- And, perhaps, it did not go well.
- Hell, no, it didn't go well!
Aw. Honey, what happened?
Today, after lunch, I walked
up to Jimmy Jr. and said
Hey, Jimmy Jr., what's up?
Or should I say, what's
down? [WHISPERS] Look down.
- [JIMMY JR.] "Fancy feet."
- [TINA] Uh-huh.
And they have a question for you.
[TINA] Do you want to go
to the eighth-grade dance with us?
Oh! Uh
- Grand romantic gesture much?
- And he said no?
Oh, I'm gonna fart on his grave.
You're gonna outlive
him to fart on his grave?
I'm in great shape, Bob.
He did say no, but it's complicated.
Sorry, Tina. I can't.
Great! Wait, what?
- It's Zeke.
- Zeke?
Yeah, if you and me go together,
then Zeke has to go to the
eighth-grade dance all alone.
- [JIMMY JR.] He'll just be so sad.
- He will?
Zeke's fragile, Tina,
like a delicate flower
that's really good at wrestling.
I can't break that
beautiful boy's heart.
- But I'll see you there.
- Okay.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES] No big deal.
Damn you, Zeke.
- What? What was that?
- Nothing.
I said Zeke's lucky to have
you as a friend. Okay, bye.
Well, he said you'll
see each other there.
- That's good, right?
- No, Dad, it's not good.
The eighth-grade dance is a big deal.
It's semi freaking formal, man.
We're talking punch bowl. Balloon arch.
I've had a page blocked off
in my diary for this for years.
Well, why don't you just
find a date for Zeke?
Then you guys can double date.
- Huh.
- [LINDA] Double dates are the best.
You got a built-in gal pal
with you the whole night
And you can order an extra
entree and say it's for the table.
And then everybody says,
"Whoo! What a great idea."
And then you have a whole
extra entree at the table!
Argh! I want to start dating!
I guess it's worth a shot.
But how will I find a date for Zeke?
Is there someone out
there who likes loud boys
who are annoyingly
always around Jimmy Jr.?
Just dress up a mop and call it a day.
[TINA] Okay, a date for Zeke. Let's see.
Taken. Taken.
Doesn't like boys.
Doesn't like anyone.
Penelope, of course.
Why didn't I think of Penelope?
I guess 'cause she
transferred here last year,
and I don't know her at all.
But she's definitely our gal.
Look at her. She has a face and stuff.
Okay, yeah, this could be good.
- Here I go.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
Okay. Guess I'll catch
my dream girl later.
That's the spirit.
[SNIFFS] Huh.
This tub smells like lasagna.
That's weird.
You'd tell me if we were
making lasagna, right?
Yes. Lin, I've said this before.
I will definitely tell you
if we start making lasagna.
- All right.
- What the
- Hugo?
- [LINDA] The Rat Queen?
- Linda. Bob.
- Bob. Linda.
- Hugo. Ron.
- Ron. Hugo.
Hello. I'm Roxy Peppins.
Yes, the Roxy Peppins,
aka The Rat Queen.
- Oh, hi.
- Uh, hi.
She's the best exterminator in the city.
Remember when Family Funtime
got taken over by rats?
Oh, yeah, it was on the news.
They were having a field
day in that ball pit.
Roxy got those rats out in 30 minutes.
That's half an hour, Bob.
Is she looking for rats?
'Cause we we don't
have rats, currently.
Sir, you do not have
rats inside the premises,
but I believe you may have
something much worse out there.
Lurking, watching, waiting.
I'm talking about a super rat.
- A super rat?
- A super rat.
- A super rat, uh
- Yep, your average rat
is eight, maybe ten inches long.
A super rat is 16 to 20 inches.
Twenty-inch super rat?
- And it flies?
- No one said it flies, Linda.
This is what they're dealing
with in London right now.
- Oh, God.
- Oh! How'd it get so big?
Rats are parasitic on the human diet
and our food is packed with hormones.
- Hormones, Bob!
- [BOB] Hmm.
The super rat has been spotted
in the alley behind your restaurant.
People sent Roxy videos of
the super rat in your alley
on a forum called Rat Chat.
It's where people chat about rats.
When we saw it was your alley,
we offered to make an introduction.
And now we are basically
a part of Roxy's entourage.
- You're on the wait list.
- Yes!
I'd like your permission to set a trap
in the alley behind your restaurant
and mount a camera on your fire escape
to monitor the trap
and catch the super rat.
- Oh.
- Exciting.
This will be a multi-day process.
Rats are clever.
Super rats are super clever.
If I put the bait in the trap
tonight, it won't take it.
- Just listen, Bob.
- I'm listening.
Over the course of several nights,
we move the bait closer and closer,
and then finally, into the trap.
We make the rat so comfortable
that on the final night,
he's hanging his pictures on the wall.
- He's making martinis.
- [LINDA] Oh, nice!
And then bam! Trap closes!
- [LINDA] Oh.
- We got him!
Humans prevail. For now.
So you want to lure a
giant rat to our restaurant?
I guess it is better not to
have a big super rat outside,
flying around our alley.
Again. Ma'am, it does not fly.
- [SIGHS] Fine.
- Great!
Okay, now, real quick, Ron.
Smell this bus tub.
What does it smell like?
- Linda, no.
- [SNIFFS] Lasagna?
Thank you.
[TINA] Okay, now's my chance.
Penelope whatever your last name is,
you got a double date with destiny.
[ZEKE AND JIMMY JR. GRUNTING]
Did you go to the muscle store?
You're getting strong.
I've been doing burpees.
Hey there, fellas.
Uh, since I got you here,
Zeke, do you know Penelope?
- Who? What?
- [TINA] That girl over there.
[ZEKE] Yeah?
If she was into going
on like a double date
to the eighth-grade dance
with you, me, and Jimmy Jr.,
would you be into that too?
Wait. You think she wants
to go to the dance with me?
I do.
Well, I'm all about different ways
we form social bonds in this grade,
so put me down for a "Hell, yeah!"
- J-Ju, you up for that?
- Uh, sure.
Great. Go back to what you were doing.
All right. One, two,
- a-one, two, three, four!
- [GRUNTING]
- I'm gonna get you! Oh, just stop.
- Ow! Wait, no.
Hi, uh, Penelope.
- Can I call you that?
- Yeah.
I used to be Penny at my old school.
- But here
- Uh-huh, yeah.
Yeah, great. Um, here's
the thing. You know, Zeke?
The one squeezing the other boy's head
with his thighs over there.
- Yeah?
- He's shy,
but he's wondering if you'd
want to go on a double date
to the eighth-grade dance
with him and me and Jimmy Jr.
- Oh, I'd do that.
- Yeah?
But the eighth-grade
dance is a pretty big deal.
Maybe we could go on a double date
somewhere else first
to see if we hit it off.
Oh. Uh, okay.
How about a double dinner date on
Friday at that baked potato place?
- Spud Simple.
- Uh, sure. Deal.
Great! Bring your own
sour cream, though.
Theirs is weird. It's just too sour.
The sour cream is too sour?
I can text you some sour
creams that aren't so sour.
How many sour creams
does your mom let you buy?
Oh, uh, like a normal amount, I guess.
Then this list will really help.
Okay, well, I'm gonna
stop this conversation
so I can save some for Friday night.
And then hopefully,
Saturday night at the dance.
Whoo-hoo! Double, double date.
[JIMMY JR.] Ow, Zeke, my cheeks.
[ZEKE] Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.
Well, I'm off to Spud Simple.
Okay. Have a fun double
date, my little hot potato.
Hopefully, Penelope and Zeke hit it off,
and then he asks her to the dance,
or she asks him to the dance,
or they ask each other
at the exact same time.
That's how Simon and
Garfunkel got together.
And now, they've been
married 40 wonderful years.
We'll just be here
having an incredible
time catching a super rat.
Wow. Big night for all of us, huh?
Yeah, Roxy moved the food into the trap,
so I guess tonight's the night.
Exciting! It could have
chosen any nasty alley in town,
but it chose Dad's nasty alley.
And I'll probably get hired
as the Rat Queen's assistant tonight.
So I guess this is
my two-weeks' notice.
- Okay, great.
- Can I use you as a reference?
I wouldn't.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Tina.
- 'Sup?
- Oh, wow.
Zeke, you brought a flower for Penelope?
That's so nice.
Zeke didn't tell me he
was gonna bring a flower,
but I found this cool
rock while we were walking.
Do you want it? I mean, that
part is pretty dirty, but still
I'll just put it in my pocket for now.
Y'all don't think I used
too much scent, do you?
It's my dad's cologne and my
stepmom's vanilla body milk.
It's not bad. It smells
like a barn opened a bakery.
I've never been on an actual
date before. [CHUCKLES]
Are you sure Penelope said yes?
Uh-huh. And if this goes well,
we'll be double-dating our way
to eighth-grade dance-ville.
Yeah, I hope she likes me.
Of course she will, Zeke.
You're a catch.
Just be yourself in there.
Yeah, but also, maybe,
tamp it down a bit.
Reel it in, so we can seal this deal.
Sound good? Great. Let's go in.
- Hi, Penelope.
- Hi, Tina.
Hi, Jimmy Jr. Hi, Zeke.
- Uh, I bought you this.
- Oh, thanks.
I can't tell if it's
normal or like totally weird
to pay someone to kill a plant
and then bring it to a person.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Am I Am I ruining it? I'm so sorry.
- Come on, Zeke. Shut it! Shut it, Zeke!
- Oh, boy.
Nice place. Um, so,
what's in the lunchbox?
Food. I don't like potatoes.
- Uh, what?
- I don't like round food,
so my mom packed me meatballs.
Oh, but aren't meatballs round?
She makes them into cubes.
But you chose this restaurant.
I did. I like the temperature in here.
They keep it the perfect degrees.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Right. Big-time.
God, it's so nice to
have someone else get it.
[TINA] Are they getting along?
I think they are. Good, good.
Hello. My name is Tim.
So there's one potato,
two potato, three potato
Four of you for the buffet?
Oh, it's the girl who
brings her own food.
- Hello.
- I'll get you some waters.
I brought my own. I
would like a plate of ice.
Of course, I'll be back.
Okay, boys, should we go get buff et?
Let's do it to it.
If you don't like the
way their lettuce looks,
I brought lettuce.
- Oh.
- That's cool.
- Is the whole backpack full of lettuce?
- Oh, yeah.
Ugh, God, I wish I could give
civilian kitchens a health grade.
- Well, you can't.
- Well, I'm going to.
- C minus.
- Oh, my God.
So how does one become a Rat Queen?
Do you come from a long
line of rat royalty?
Did you start as a hamster
princess and work your way up?
Actually, I majored in Rat at Harvard.
- Really?
- No, of course not.
I got where I am because I'm observant.
I see the clues they leave
behind that no one else sees.
Greasy rub marks from their fur,
little scratches on the wall,
- ball sign.
- Ball sign?
Adult males drag their
scrotums behind them.
- Yeah, Bob.
- [BOB] Um, what?
Oh, I think I got something.
I'm seeing movement.
I see it. Roxy saw it,
then I saw it. It's him!
- Wait, that's not him.
- It's not him, Bob.
Oh, it's Little King Trashmouth.
And there's his husband, Gary.
Oh, no! Are they gonna
tussle with the super rat?
Can we give the king a weapon?
Who's got a tiny weapon?
On it. What size sword is he?
No need for swords. Check this out.
- [BARKING SOUND OVER LAPTOP]
- [ALL EXCLAIMING]
- Well, that scared him off.
- I also have mountain lion,
owl and the Howard Dean scream.
Will you send me that playlist?
Nice of you guys to come back.
Sorry, we went as fast as we could.
It's just my meat
cubes are getting cold.
- [MUNCHING]
- Oh, gosh, Zeke, you really chew, huh?
Yeah, I guess. [CHEWING]
That's how I get it done.
Ew, ew, ew, ew.
Sorry, but I don't like
other people chewing.
So how about, like, three chews max?
Oh, uh, okay, I can
handle some feedback, girl.
And make sure that your
mouth is completely closed.
But he can open to take a bite, right?
- If he has to.
- Constructive criticism. I like it.
I'm gonna get, uh, just
a few more toppings.
- Jimmy Jr., want to come with me?
- Uh, yeah.
I could definitely do
with a higher chives count.
I love chives.
Is it just me, or is
Penelope extremely annoying?
Yeah, she's awful.
Zeke cannot ask her to the dance.
But wasn't this whole thing your idea?
Yeah, that was before I
knew about the meat cubes
and the backpack full of lettuce.
You gotta pull Zeke aside and tell him
- not to ask her.
- Okay.
And maybe there's still time to find
Zeke a different date before tomorrow.
Like, uh, like that lady over there.
She's got a couple of kids.
- Seems stable.
- Yeah, she seems nice.
- Wow, that's a lot of chives.
- Is it?
Okay, just one more scoop.
Guess what? Turns out
Penelope and I both like TV.
It's like, what don't we have in common?
Amazing. Amazing.
She helped me realize I've been
watching all the wrong stuff, though.
Turns out I don't like what I like.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Hey, Zeke.
Uh, they put out more
bacon bits at the buffet.
- You want to go get some?
- Hell, yeah!
They ran out, and I was all like,
"Who's taking all the ding-darn bacon,
for Pete's sakin?" Let's go!
I'm so happy you set me up with Zeke.
I think we go really well together.
Yeah. Or not. Life's funny, you know?
- What do you mean?
- I just wonder if, maybe, you and Zeke
- might not be a good fit.
- Excuse me.
I mean, it's not your fault.
You're great.
Actually, Tina, I think
it's you who doesn't fit.
Yeah. Wait, what?
You kind of throw off the
whole dynamic of the group.
- Me?
- But it's okay.
'Cause I have a cousin who
is perfect for Jimmy Jr.
I think I'll set them up to go
to the dance together tomorrow.
- What?
- Sorry, Tina.
Looks like it didn't work out.
Ugh, but that's just the
way the potato bounces.
Please don't push my potato.
- Ah. Oops.
- And you did it.
Oh, no. Let me get you a new one.
Here you go.
Hey, the boys are back in town.
I just made that saying up.
So, Jimmy Jr., I have to tell
you about my gorgeous cousin.
Ah! Oh, no, I dropped my glasses.
Jimmy Jr., can you
help me look for them?
- Ah!
- [WHISPERING] How'd it go with Zeke?
Not great. He wants to introduce her to
his grandma to get her blessing.
Crap. This girl's dangerous.
- She pushed my potato off the table.
- Whoa.
We gotta get him away from her
again so we can talk him out of this.
Maybe if it's both of us,
he'll listen. Follow my lead.
Thanks, Jimmy Jr. You found them.
I was blind, and now I see.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Zeke, should, uh, me, you and Jimmy
Jr. Go get a surprise, uh, soda
for Penelope from the soda
fountain way over there?
- I don't drink out of cups.
- Oh.
Why don't we all just stay and talk?
Hell, yeah. Laugh and share ideas
while we chew our food modestly.
I have a topic. Let's all
talk about our cousins.
- [TINA GROANS]
- Cousin talk. Great idea.
[ZEKE] I love how cousins can
be a baby or just some old dude.
But they're both cousins! [LAUGHS]
Well, I guess a watched
alley never rats.
Where is he?
I'll give him ten more minutes
and then I'm eating the bait!
I'm a bit peckish too.
Uh, wasn't that your
restaurant downstairs?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, you don't want one
of Bob's nasty burgers.
- I'd love a burger.
- Bob, make Roxy a burger at once.
- I'd eat a burger.
- [BOB] Yep. I'll go make food.
- I'd love to not be near Hugo anymore.
- Oh, hush. I'm great.
I'll have the yellowtail
hamachi, please.
- We just ran out.
- Fine.
Just the salt-baked branzino.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHITTERING]
[HIGH-PITCHED] Ah! Rat. Rat!
[SCREAMS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, no. You're in the restaurant.
[PANTING] I I have some
bad news about the rat.
Looks like bad news about the
burgers you were gonna make us, too.
That's fine.
So, yeah, my cousin is good
at all kinds of dancing.
Jazz, tap, modern, old-timey.
- Wow.
- And she's totally free on Saturday.
And her bangs aren't the stupid kind.
Oh, my God, I just thought of
the perfect surprise for Penelope.
- Ow!
- Damn, girl.
Something from the gift counter.
Come on, Zeke.
Don't you want to pick out the perfect
little potato present for Penelope?
A small but thoughtful potato gift?
Lead the way, girl.
Zeke, you cannot ask
Penelope to the dance.
Do what the what?
She's so annoying.
What are you talking about?
And also she's not
being that nice to you.
Sorry, but we promised
to always be real.
Y'all know I've never had a date to
a dance before, right? Or any date.
Jimmy Jr., I know you're used to this
kind of stuff, the romance and all,
but it doesn't really happen for me.
Nobody wants to go to a dance with me
or hold a boombox over their head
outside my room
while I'm trying to sleep
or have me at hello or
open a jewelry box for me
and then slam it shut
on my hand or anything!
- Zeke.
- I'm sorry
if you just can't be happy for me.
You know what? I don't want to
double date with you guys anymore.
I just want a single date with Penelope.
That's a thing, right?
I don't know. I'm new to this stuff!
I think you two should leave.
I'll pick up the tab.
- My treat!
- Zeke, no!
Jimmy Jr., go get. Just get!
So I don't suppose you and me
are still on for tomorrow night?
- Zeke!
- Right.
It's all ruined.
Hi. Are we looking for t-shirts?
Sorry, we're all sold out
of "taters gonna tate."
That's fine. Thank you.
[TINA] Sorry, I set him up with her.
I didn't realize she'd be that.
She doesn't even appreciate
all the wonderful things about him.
Who wouldn't want to hear
Zeke chew? I do all the time.
Uh, he really fell for her, huh?
Well, Zeke just loves love, you know?
He loves it so much that
he'll go to the dance
with someone who
doesn't even deserve him.
He's a big old romantic.
Do you know anyone else
that believes in love
and romance that much, Tina?
Tina?
Do you?
Do you, Tina?
Tina, do you hear me
asking you questions?
I, like, kept asking and asking.
Sorry, sorry. Actually, I
do know someone like that,
and she knows what to do.
Wait. Who's she? You?
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- 'Cause
- I guess I get it.
- Because I am like that.
- You just said that weird
- and I was confused.
- Right.
But who else would it be?
I don't know. Like, it
could have been anyone.
[STAMMERS] But, no. I
- Well, let's just do your plan.
- Okay. Yeah.
He's not gonna make it
easy to find him in here.
He's gonna hide.
He's gonna urinate like hell,
- and he's gonna hide.
- Me too.
- Yeah, me too.
- But we can flush him out.
And what do we do after we catch him?
Deliver him to the Pentagon, where
he'll be trained as an assassin?
Oh, he goes on Dancing with the Stars.
- I kill him.
- What?
You kill him?
Well, she is an exterminator.
I thought it was ex-terminator.
"Ex," like used to be.
Like a terminator
who got tired of all
the terminator-ing.
Doesn't seem like he's up
here. Is there a basement?
Uh, yeah, through the kitchen.
- I'm gonna go down there and check.
- Can I come?
- [ROXY] Sure.
- [RON] Me too?
- No, Ron. This is big-boy stuff.
- He can come.
- [HUGO] Ugh, fine.
- [RON] Yay!
I can't believe she's
gonna kill the super rat.
Poor guy. It's not his
fault he got so big.
It's the hormones.
He was just doing his own thing.
Making his own way in the world.
Yeah, he's just misunderstood.
A giant, hairy, horrifying,
misunderstood animal.
- Like Dad.
- [SIGHS] Thanks, Louise.
- Dragging his balls around, like Dad.
- Thank you, Gene.
- Oh, my God, there it is.
- [ALL EXCLAIMING]
So I guess we should
tell Roxy it's up here
and send it to its death.
Or, maybe, I just go over
there and open the door.
No, Louise. Your father can do it.
- No, she can do it.
- [LINDA GROWLS]
[SIGHS] Okay, fine. I'll do it.
[LOUISE] Run. Run to freedom, super rat.
Aw, bye, super rat.
Enjoy your hormones.
[HUGO] What? You let the super rat out?
[LOUISE] Uh, the rat
made us let him out.
He had a little gun.
Yeah, he got our cash.
He said he was headed to Aruba.
- Damn it, Bob.
- He got in your heads.
He got in all of your heads.
You can't let him get into your mind.
- Let's roll out!
- Bye, take care.
We didn't just start the
bubonic plague again, did we?
A super bubonic plague.
Boobity, boobity, boobity.
So, Penelope, there's
something I want to ask you.
Aw, okay.
Will you make sure there's absolutely
no spit in your mouth before you ask it?
- Oh, you again.
- What do you guys want?
Why don't you ask these plates?
- Um
- What in the
[ZEKE] "Zeke, will you
dance to go with the us?"
- Oh, uh, hold on.
- "You will go "
Oh, yeah, wait. Just
let me try one more time.
"Zeke, will you go
to the dance with us?"
Us?
Yeah, me and Jimmy Jr. The three of us.
- Please?
- Um, I don't think Zeke wants to
Zeke, listen. You do
deserve love and romance.
And you do deserve to go
to the dance with someone.
But it should be someone, or maybe
two someones, who appreciate you.
Who wanna just let you be you.
I appreciate him. I let him guard the
lettuce when I went to the bathroom.
Zeke, I'm sorry that
I put you in a position
where you had to guard Penelope's
backpack full of lettuce.
I'm sorry about everything.
I I thought of you in a certain way,
that you were in the way.
But you're kind of like
me. You're a romantic.
And I think the three of us will actually
have a lot of fun at the dance together.
And you can chew as
many times as you want.
- Zeke?
- Y'all, these buffet topping plates
are the most romantic thing
I've ever seen in my life.
Yes, I'll go to the dance with you two.
- Yes!
- [LAUGHING]
Zeke, um, I have some bad news.
I don't want to go
to the dance with you.
Well, actually, I'm gonna go with them.
I'm breaking up with you.
Please don't fight it.
- No, it's fine.
- Stop making a scene!
You know what? We're all paid up here.
- You guys want to head out?
- Fine. More lettuce for me.
All right. Let's talk coordinated
color schemes for our outfits.
Let's talk a three-person
dance we practice a little bit.
And y'all are getting me a boutonniere.
And it has to be white.
I want it to match my boots.
- [TINA] Yeah, uh okay.
- [JIMMY JR.] Okay, yeah.
Put your feelings to the test ♪
And make a grand romantic gesture ♪
You'll get them saying yes, sir ♪
With a grand romantic gesture ♪
Put potato toppings on a plate ♪
Next thing you know ♪
You got yourself a date ♪
And if you want to feel alive ♪
Don't forget to add those chives ♪
[ECHOES] Chives ♪
Put your feelings to the test ♪
And make a grand romantic gesture ♪
You'll get them saying yes, sir ♪
With a grand romantic gesture ♪
[LINDA] Twenty-inch super rat?
And it flies?