American Dad s16e07 Episode Script

1
Man, I love weekdays.
I know, right?
The weekends are all "go, go, go."
I need five full days to just chill.
Hello?
Francine, I'm having
a character emergency.
There's a small,
brown bag in the fridge.
I need you to bring it to
1466 Hemlock Street right now.
Ooh, Roger wants me to
deliver a creepy package
to one of his characters.
I can't wait to see what he's up to.
I bet it's, like,
a bunch of human anuses
he's gonna dump into the
fountain at the mall.
Ooh, ya think?
I swim in that fountain sometimes.
There it is. Gimme, gimme.
Just carrots?
Unless that's something fun
like toddler fingers
covered in Cheeto dust?
Yeah, right.
Naomi Carcaterra doesn't
have the metabolism
the other gals in the office do.
We're doing ice-cream
cake for Jill's birthday,
and I want to fill up
on something healthy
so I'm not tempted.
You had me come all the
way out here for this?
This is so unlike you.
This is so boring.
Boring? No, no, no.
Naomi can curl her tongue.
Look. Doesn't it look like a taco?
I think it looks like a taco.
Good morning, U.S.A.
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
- Good
- Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A.
Good news, everybody.
The doctors figured out
why you're seeing birds
when there aren't any birds around?
Better.
They mailed us the
tickets for our cruise.
Hot damn. We're really doing it.
- Alright!
- Unh, big boat time!
It says they recently
converted their infirmary
to a Teen Hang Zone.
Oh, hell yeah.
I dominate in international waters.
I got the skimpiest little
teal bathing suit
Little teal bathing suit. Yes.
How does Hayley do the high seas?
No food, no water.
Piña coladas only.
You know what I'm looking forward to?
Swimming in a pool with 30 people
who have active diarrhea.
F'ing "A," we're doing a cruise.
- Whoo!
- Yeah-ha-ha!
What's for dinner?
I'll just take a nibble.
Ate an entire ice-cream cake today.
Well, look who it is.
Would you believe this bum had me drive
all the way out to Chimdale Acres
just to bring carrots to
some boring-ass character?
Wow, Chimdale Acres?
No one ever goes out there,
unless, of course,
you're looking for the best
trade-in price for your Toyota,
Nissan, or anything
from the Chrysler family.
Well, sadly, I wasn't out
there to get an unbeatable deal
from Carruthers Auto Mall, Steve.
Instead, I was experiencing one
of Roger's lamest personas yet.
What? Naomi's great.
She's thinking about joining Costco.
Naomi?
In Costco?
I mean, come on.
What happened, Roger?
The beauty of my characters
is their diversity.
They can't all be serial killers.
Your last serial-killer persona
never even killed anyone.
He got sidetracked going to
estate sales in the desert.
People are basically giving
away turquoise out there.
Wow, Roger.
Have you lost your edge?
How dare you?
I'm the same old Roger I've always been.
I don't know.
You were just Ricky
Spanish for a whole week,
and you spent the entire
time on the computer,
quietly rating movies on IMDb.
You've clearly lost something.
I haven't lost anything,
and I'll prove it to you.
Man, he really took the
air out of this dinner.
You know what'll steer us back?
Little teal
Bathing suit,
bathing suit, bathing suit
- Whoo! Oh, yeah.
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah! I made him.
- Little teal bathing suit
Told ya I haven't lost it.
I just pulled off the
world's greatest heist.
Behold the "Mona Lisa."
What the? Dr. Slippy's Boner Grease-a?
Aah, my partner set me up!
Or, I'm not an art expert,
but is this the "Mona Lisa"?
Aaaah!
Roger, what is it?
Meet Winston Equity III.
I found a bunch of guys who
look kind of like Vin Diesel
and set up a
"Boiler Room"-style brokerage firm.
Now we're about to get rich
to the tune of wait.
IT hasn't set up our computers yet?
We haven't made or lost any money!
Aaah!
I'm Mike Microscope,
and I figured out how to clone people.
- Feast your eyes.
- Nice try.
I've already seen the Vin Diesels.
Damn it. Personas are hard.
Hey, whatever happened with
your girlfriend from the museum?
The old lady?
I still haven't broken up with her.
I know, I know.
I-I just really feel like
natural causes are gonna bail me out.
Welp, time to face the music.
My personas stink,
and I can't pull off
wacky shenanigans anymore.
I really have lost my edge.
Oh, I'm sorry I was so right.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Well, I got 9,000 uninspired
years before I die,
so just humor me and my dull personas.
Maybe take a little girl
whose only noteworthy quality
is her ability to chew raisins
very thoroughly to the park.
Of course.
Well, now that I'm all alone,
I can drink the grease directly
out of the pepperoni cups
without a single iota of shame.
You're disgusting.
Noooooooo!
Mm, I'm really
pulverizing these raisins.
It's probably nothing,
but I feel like
everyone's looking at us.
You're crazy.
Oh, my God, it's little Bonnie Ramirez.
That is her, the pageant girl
who went missing three years ago.
Bonnie's alive,
and that woman kidnapped her.
Yes, it is me, little Bonnie Ramirez.
Someone please free
me from this monster.
Roger, what the hell is going on?
Decided to dust off an old
chestnut to teach you a lesson.
You're about to be charged
with child abduction.
Who's lost their edge now, you perv?
That poor, confident little girl.
Tonight on "Unsolved Mysteries:
The New Class,"
an Iowa woman is just gone,
and a little boy who can draw Manny
from "Modern Family" perfectly,
even though he's never
heard of the show.
Could something supernatural be at play?
But first, we have
an "Unsolved Mysteries" update.
Three years ago, child-pageant queen
Bonnie Ramirez went missing.
With no clues left behind,
Bonnie was gone forever.
Until this week,
when she was spotted at the park
with a woman going by Francine Smith.
Authorities believe Smith has been
holding little Bonnie
captive this entire time.
Smith is now in police custody
and scheduled for trial this week.
And additionally,
to the growing number of viewers
posting online that I'm the
one kidnapping all these kids,
see? Not me.
Your mother's obviously gonna be fine.
This is just some silly
feud between her and Roger.
But I do have one concern the cruise.
We were supposed to go this week.
And I'd argue we still should.
A trial like this can't be easy
on the family of the accused.
I think we deserve a getaway.
We'd be back before the verdict.
- I'm in.
- Wonderful.
There is just one more issue.
Your mom purchased the
cruise in her name,
and Party Artie's
Floating Family Shitshow
won't let us onboard without her.
We just need someone
who can pass for her.
She looks like Mom.
Maybe more like Mom than Mom.
In my head, when I think of your mom,
I now picture this woman.
It's settled. We're going on the cruise.
It's what Francine and by that,
I mean this woman would have wanted.
Your court-appointed attorney's here.
Him? Unh-unh. No way.
Sorry. No one else is willing
to defend a monster like you.
Aaaah!
What the hell have you gotten me into?
I'm going on trial.
Wow, sounds like the work of someone
who hasn't lost their edge.
Jesus, Roger.
I admit it, okay?
You haven't lost your edge
or you're not washed up
or whatever this is about.
Just tell everyone I didn't
do it so we can end this.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're just telling
me what I want to hear
because you're desperate,
but I'm gonna show you
I've still got it and
in undeniable fashion.
No.
I'm gonna give the performance
of my life as little Bonnie,
bringing you to the brink of conviction,
only to be topped by my
public-defender character
Ed Dickle, the ultimate showman
who's gonna rake that little girl
over the coals to get you off.
Let's get to work.
What's this?
An even smaller briefcase?
Another?
A key?
But to what?
This.
The ultimate showman!
Oh, here's my phone bill. Hang on.
I should knock this out
while I'm thinking about it.
Got a charge on here I don't recognize.
Your call is important to us
Trust me, you want this resolved
so I can give your case full focus.
Can you even pull this off,
Bonnie and the lawyer in the same room?
You forget I got super-speed, baby.
Roger!
Sorry, was trying to do
something cool there,
but you get the point.
I'm over here now. I'm fast.
- So you were the real Bonnie Ramirez, huh?
- Yep.
But got bored with the
whole pageant thing,
so I just wandered off one day.
Didn't think the family was gonna make
such a big deal about it.
I mean, they only knew her
for like five years.
"JAG" was on twice that long,
and no one's crying about
that going off the air.
Oh, God, such a good show!
Thank you so much
for coming with us, Isabella.
It's the least I could do.
This must be a very hard time for you.
Good thing I'm literally
in Margaritaville
with all these piña coladas.
- Mmm.
- Hey, Steve.
Am I gonna see your moves in
the dance contest tomorrow?
Y-You You know it.
You know that badass?
She's the only kid I couldn't
bully off the foosball table.
I met her at the Teen Hang Zone,
but it's not gonna
matter after tomorrow.
She's expecting me to
perform in the dance contest,
and I'm terrible.
You know, Steve, I used to dance
competitively back in Johannesburg.
I could show you a few steps.
Wow, that would be amazing.
Root beer, red wine,
another piña colada for the lady,
and an Arnold Palmer for the gentleman.
Stan, what's wrong?
It's just this is an Arnold Palmer,
and I asked for a triple-vodka Coke.
It's fine.
It's basically the same thing.
Stick up for yourself, Stan.
You're the only man here
wearing a shirt to dinner.
You deserve to be treated right.
Hi. Excuse me. Sorry.
I hope it's not too much trouble,
but I actually ordered
a triple-vodka Coke,
and, for some reason,
you chose to [BLEEP] me in the face
with what looks like a
glass of piss and shit.
Now, get me what I ordered
before I shoot you to death
in front of this crowd full of drunks.
Please.
Alright, Dad!
Little Bonnie,
please take a look around the room.
Is the person who
imprisoned you here today?
Yes. Her.
Pink dress.
Oh, it was horrible.
She made me call her "Mama God."
She kept me in a cage
and only fed me moths.
Actually developed a taste for 'em.
Did I miss anything while I was gone?
Aunt Becky from "Full House"
up to anything?
I'm just playing.
Even I heard about that
college-admissions scandal.
Yep, Mama God told me
and Nancy all about it.
I'm sorry. Who?
Oh, Nancy was just one of the many,
many other children mashed
into that cage with me.
You're supposed to tell me everything.
So, Mr. Dickle, it's your turn
to cross-examine little Bonnie.
Finally, our side of the story.
All good, dude.
Are you sure? I'm in pretty deep here.
Relax. I got an ace in the hole.
You're golden.
Very well, Mr. Dickle.
You may now call your first witness.
Time to see why the call
Ed the ultimate showman.
Living in America
Hit me
Black belt.
Living in America
Yeah
I walk in and out
Ed Dickle has acquired a tape
of the actual abduction three years ago.
Mr. Dickle, this is not how trials work,
especially not here at the
Chimdale County Courthouse
presented by Carruthers Auto Mall.
All evidence must be
submitted in advance.
I couldn't submit it in advance.
I staged it last night.
It's okay.
There's got to be another
ace in the hole here somewhere.
Here. Don't hang up. I'm still
on hold with the phone company.
This is Sarah B. How
may I assist you today?
Oh, my God!
Have someone else go for a minute.
Sorry, Sarah, I'm here.
Do you happen to have
my bill in front of you?
Choka, choka, choka, choka
Is that his mom?
Choka, choka, choka, choka
Ombligo con omligo
Choka, choka, choka, choka
Dale, que te sigo
Choka, choka, cho
Pero muévete conmigo
Sorry, everybody.
It wasn't supposed to be that sexy.
Steve, what you just did on the
dance floor with your mom
Yeah?
is exactly why I want
to have a son one day!
I always knew you had talent.
It just took a complete stranger
making the smallest effort to unlock it.
- Sister!
- Oh, my God!
What do we do?
Listen, everything
will be okay if we act fast.
I'm going in after her.
Stan, go tell the captain
to stop at once.
Steve, offer your coat to the girl.
The girl, accept it,
and give Steve a kiss.
Bye-by-y-y-y-e!
Mwah!
Iceberg
lettuce is the crunchiest lettuce!
Gimme those binoculars.
That was a quick deliberation.
But cuttin'
our lunch break short must mean
they can't wait to
give us the good news.
This can't be happening.
The jury finds Francine Smith
oh, thank God guilty.
Okay, let's wrap this up.
Mr. Dickle,
pick a number between one and four.
- Four!
- Perfect.
I hereby sentence Ms. Smith
to four life sentences.
I just assumed you'd find a way
out of this like you always do.
Yeah, me, too.
But you didn't.
Oh, my God.
It's just hitting me what happened here.
I really have lost my edge.
I'm nothing but a washed-up fool now.
Life comes at you fast.
One minute, you're on top of the world,
and the next you're explaining
what just happened to
nobody in the kitchen.
Boy, I tell ya,
the Internet is a wonderful place.
Everybody is so supportive.
Whoa, you look terrible.
Get used to it. This is the new me.
The washed-up me.
The me who doesn't
have his edge anymore.
What happened?
Francine went to prison for
kidnapping some little girl.
Oh, damn, you lost that case?
Yep. The old me would've
weaseled her out of it,
but she's in prison now
'cause I blew it.
A tragic ending for ol' Rog.
You guys, the cruise was awesome.
I should've died!
And I got robbed by a
30-year-old Romanian stowaway
pretending to be a teenage girl.
But guess who got a kiss first.
You look like hell. Get cleaned up,
and we'll drive to court together.
Mm, we lost.
She's in prison forever.
- What?!
- Oh, my God!
Roger, I have decided to hurt you.
You must be Uncle Roger.
Why don't we go to the living room,
and I can hear your side of the story?
Stan, listen. I have an idea.
I got the mail every day you were gone,
so I think I should get
extra allowance this week.
That's your idea?
Ple-e-e-ase!
And now Francine's in prison,
and it's all because I lost my edge.
I'm washed up. I'm done.
Listen to yourself.
Your friend's locked up,
and all I hear is, "I, I, I."
Wow. You missed a ton of what I said.
The best way to get back
on track is to forget
about the "I's" and focus on others.
You know,
that actually makes a lot of sense.
But where do I
Sorry, where do me begin?
Well, for starters,
have you even visited Francine yet?
- No.
- We're going to visit her right now.
- I'll gather the others.
- Love it.
Would follow you to
the end of the Earth.
One quick question Who are you?
- Mom!
- It's so good to see you.
My girl.
Who the hell is that?
That's Isabella.
She played you in a TV reenactment.
And in the cruise we took without you.
She's awesome.
And, most importantly,
she showed me how selfish I've been.
If I wasn't so concerned about
proving I still had my edge,
there's a chance you
wouldn't be in here.
A chance?
A very good chance.
Francine, Isabella taught me
something special
how valuable helping others can be.
So with that said
H-H-How did I get in this?
What's going on?
Time's up. Come on.
No! I didn't do anything!
I'm not supposed to be here!
Listen to all those "I's."
Focus on how selfless it is
to do four life sentences for someone.
We got to get out of here.
Did you see that?
I just imprisoned an innocent woman
and freed a convicted child abductor.
How's that for edgy?
Couldn't we have solved this
without anybody going to prison?
That woman saved my life.
We could have,
but then you wouldn't have gotten to go
on your precious cruise.
Yes, I would with Mom.
But then who would've saved your life?
Whoa.
Roger,
if I didn't have this seatbelt on,
I'd punch you right in the face.
No. Thank you, Francine.
You were right. I'd gotten complacent,
and I needed your little
push to get back on track.
And, boy, am I back.
You wanted interesting characters?
Toga Gomez, NASCAR Vampire.
Jenna Diarrhea-Evans,
heiress to the diarrhea fortune.
Gord Gullmax, Michael Jackson apologist.
Lieutenant Wingz, enormous mosquito.
Wow. I can't believe
Mom almost spent the rest
of her life in prison
because she said Roger lost his edge.
Geez. Talk about overly sensitive.
Okay, Roger! I'm sorry!
You're not sensitive!
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're just telling
me what I want to hear
because you're desperate.
No shit I'm desperate!
- You sweared.
- Aah!
Bye! Have a beautiful time!