Bob's Burgers s16e07 Episode Script

1
Okay, so what are we looking for here?
What's this, Boyz 4 Now
thing you're going to, again?
It's the premiere of their
new concert film, Boisterous.
Susmita and I and some other girls from
school are gonna go
see it tomorrow night.
We're gonna get glammed
up 'cause of their song,
"Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up!" Sorry,
I cursed, but it's in the song.
- "Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up!"
- Okay.
Ooh! How about this?
Mom, I love you, but this is
freaking Boyz 4 Now, not a baptism.
Yeah, right. Get back
in there, you dumb shirt.
Oh! Speaking of dumb shirts, this
weekend, I want you kids to pull out
all the clothes that don't fit
anymore so we can donate them.
Some lucky little boy's gonna
get to wear jeans or jorts.
- [GASPS] Oh, my God.
- Where are you going?
Towards the not discount stuff?
Don't let it pull you in, Tina.
It's the dark side.
- Whoa.
- What is it?
- A lady cummerbund?
- [TINA] It's a tube top.
What? It's so small.
Where's the rest of the tube?
It's the last one. Please be my size.
It is. Mom, Can we get it?
Uh
I don't know.
Can I please just try it on?
Uh, or maybe you
- try this on.
- A swim shirt?
Yeah. So if someone spills
soda on you, not a problem.
Uh, I think I'm just gonna
go try on the tube top.
Okay. Uh This one's
got UV protection.
Never mind.
Why do we call them menus?
Why don't we call them wo-menus?
- Yeah, Dad, you sexist pig.
- [BOB BELCHER] Hmm.
- [THUD ON GLASS WINDOW]
- What just happened?
Did someone just try to throw
a really soft brick at us?
[LOUISE] Aww, poor guy.
- Must have flown into our window.
- Your window.
Yeah, that window is dangerous, Bob.
I know from experience.
The glass is just totally see-through.
- I mean, that's what glass is, Teddy.
- Yeah, not good.
Is it just me, or is this bird gorgeous?
It looks like it flew
here from Carnival.
- It is interesting looking.
- [BIRD CHIRPING]
- Ahh!
- It's okay, Bob. Don't be embarrassed
'cause you're scared
of a half-dead bird.
- Thanks, Teddy.
- So what happens now?
Get this guy airlifted to the
best bird hospital in the country?
Maybe we can call someone
who knows about birds?
Birdman? I mean, you'll have to listen
to a lot of improvisational
jazz, but he might be helpful.
I know a guy. He works
at a wildlife rescue.
He helped me with that injured bat I
thought was gonna
turn me into a vampire.
- Oh, okay.
- It did not, by the way.
Thanks for asking.
Tina, do you hate it?
Should we put it back? Hand
it to me. I'll put it back.
Oh, gosh, I mean Wow!
I love it. Do you love it?
[STUTTERING] Yeah.
I feel like I'm older,
but I'm also magic.
And I live in a castle
that's also a disco.
It's just, you know, it's so expensive,
which is the only
problem I have with it.
It's totally fine that so
much of your skin is showing.
Well, what if I buy it
with my own money?
- Oh!
- But buying this would
- really wipe out my savings.
- Right, that's not good.
I've sort of been saving
up for the beret brownstone.
It's a little townhouse for your berets.
Oh, yeah, you got to get that.
That's a game changer.
Huh. Maybe I shouldn't buy it.
Yes! I mean, right.
- Good choice, hon.
- Thanks.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh
Ding-dong. Anybody home?
Sorry, that's probably
more fun when you're four.
Ding-dong. Sorry I did it again.
Yeah, I'm gonna go change.
So yeah, I'm definitely not a vampire.
I go in sunlight all the time.
I eat all the garlic I want.
Anyway, Craig, I'm gonna
hand you over to Bob.
It was his window that
the bird flew into.
We're all kind of thinking
that this is his fault.
What? Uh, hi, this is Bob.
Uh, it's not really my fault, right?
Uh, you wanna know how it looks?
Uh, I guess like it flew into a window.
And also, like a
feathery sleeping beauty.
- Say that.
- Gene, shush.
Oh, a video would help? Uh, okay.
- I'll take it.
- And tell Craig we're deciding between
naming him Tweet Aldrich
or Jonathan Tail-or Thomas.
Taily for short.
Ask him if he has a preference.
- No.
- Excuse me?
- Did he get it?
- Did you get the Oh. Okay.
He's watching it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
He says that's an unusual
species for this area.
Yeah, that bird's from Hot-assachusetts.
What? Yeah, it's still alive.
Oh. No, it's dead.
It's totally dead.
- Oh, yeah.
- Aw, damn it!
[WAILS] Why?
Okay. Well, I guess that's
the end of this interaction,
uh, 'cause the bird is dead.
Uh, so
- Uh, bye.
- Bye, Craig.
We're back! With the fun shirt for Tina.
- Sort of fun.
- And underwear for everybody.
- Oh.
- Sorry. Not for you, Teddy.
- Oh, okay.
- Anyway, what did we miss?
Is that a dead bird?
Yes, he was beautiful and he loved life
and he especially loved to
shake a tail feather, I assume!
Aw, sad.
And gross.
Why is it here?
Well, it flew into our window and
we tried to help it, but it died.
So is it just gonna stay here or
Well, I was thinking, maybe, the
dumpster could be
a nice place to put it.
- Father!
- How dare you?
This stunning creature
deserves a proper burial
and a shout out at
the Oscars in memoriam.
At the very least.
Well, the dinner rush is coming
soon, and then it'll be dark.
So why don't we figure out a dignified
bird body disposal plan later.
Dumpsters still on the table.
- I've made a decision.
- Huh?
Mom, I really liked
that tube top, a lot.
- Tube top?
- Tube top.
- Tube socks?
- Tube top.
- Oh.
- Life's too short. Look at that dead bird.
Just look at it. What
did I miss out on, huh?
I don't want to live with regret.
I'm gonna go back to the mall
and return the shirt and buy that
- tube top with my own money.
- Oh.
How could you be
talking about tube tops
at a time like this? And
also, what color was it?
- Fireball Fuchsia.
- Sequins?
- Like you wouldn't believe.
- Okay, I'll allow it.
But what about the beret brownstone?
My berets are gonna have to
couch surf a little longer.
Mom, one more quick
trip to the mall, please?
- [SIGHS] Oh, okay.
- Great. I'll go get my money.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Linda, since you're
going there anyway,
could you pick up some
XL Fruit of the Looms?
- Assorted whites.
- Yeah, sure, Teddy.
So it's shaped like
a tube and it's a top?
You know who should wear those? Snakes.
Wish I had gotten the memo that
the theme for dinner was Studio 54.
I have outfits, too, you know.
I'm just trying to break
it in before Boisterous.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
- It's a very nice tube top.
- [LOUISE] Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Teddy.
We're eating dinner.
Can I call you back?
- I just had an idea. Are you busy?
- I mean, we're eating dinner.
What if we bury the bird in my yard?
It's grassy. It's peaceful.
- My guinea pig Francis is buried there.
- [LINDA] What's he saying?
He says we could bury
the bird in his backyard.
He buried his guinea pig there.
- [GENE] Oh. The one you sat on?
- Uh. Yeah.
[TINA] Jeez, what
animals didn't you kill?
There are some.
But if we use my yard,
no headstone, okay?
I took Francis's headstone out
'cause I've been thinking about getting
into cornhole. You know, for exercise.
Yeah, Teddy, I don't know
if we need to do any of that.
- I'll get donuts.
- Donuts?
- [LOUISE] Donuts?
- [TINA] I've heard of donuts.
[GENE] I've been known
to go nuts for donuts.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
How about we do it tomorrow
morning before we open?
Great. I'm not inviting Mort.
What? Why are you saying that?
Just 'cause it's about death
doesn't mean Mort gets to come.
- Some funerals are just for us.
- [OVEN DINGS]
Okay, Bob, I gotta go.
I'm about to eat dinner.
So I won't be available for a while.
Don't call during dinner, Bobby.
- [SIGHS] Oh, my God.
- Yay! Donut bird funeral.
[TINA] You know, tube tops are kind
of the donuts of the clothing world.
- Something to think about, huh?
- Yep. Yep.
- I need some ice cream.
- Yes, please.
- Yeah!
- Oh, right. The bird's in here.
It was that or just sitting
around the house, decomposing.
- Like Dad does.
- Gene.
Oh, God, pushing it to the side. [GAGS]
Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. Are we too good
to have dead birds
near our frozen foods?
I want us to be, but I guess we're not.
So I guess it was gonna
happen at some point.
The dead bird in our freezer,
- or Tina wearing a tube top to dinner?
- Both.
Well, it's better than when
Gene first saw Austin Powers
and he was walking
around the house naked,
holding fruit in front of his
privates and saying, "Yeah, baby."
Also, didn't you want to wear stuff
like that when you were Tina's age?
I mean, there was this one summer
where all the girls switched
to wearing bikinis and I didn't want to.
Oh, why not?
Well, I had a bit of
a situation back then.
From my navel to my downtown area,
there was a pretty
serious strip of hair.
- Really?
- I don't have it anymore.
I guess it was a puberty thing.
But anyway, I was pretty
embarrassed about it.
I tried to bleach it, but then I
had a Lance Bass treasure trail.
I don't know who that is, but I
think I can still follow the story.
So, yeah, I didn't
wear a bikini back then.
I'm sorry about that.
But Tina doesn't have
that issue, does she?
No. But that's not the only
reason to not wear a tiny tube top.
It's just My mother used to say
what you wore told the world if you
were a smart-smarty or a tart-tarty.
Yeah, but she was wrong.
Like she often is.
Also Tina's a smart-smarty,
so you know, it might be fine.
I know she is.
But, ugh, why don't they just make
tube tops that cover more of your skin?
- So, a shirt?
- Yeah, a tube shirt, that could catch on.
- Hmm.
- Oh, hush, you just don't get it.
- Tube shirt. [SNORES]
- Hmm.
Okay, let's go to Teddy's and
bury a bird we met yesterday.
And then get back here
as quickly as possible.
We're all getting tattoos
of this bird afterwards,
and I don't wanna hear
another word about it.
- No.
- Kids, did everyone put their clothes
that don't fit anymore
in the box in the hall?
- Yup.
- Not yet.
Louise is looking through my old stuff.
I want to drop the box off at the
donation place on the way to Teddy's.
Kill two birds, one stone. [LAUGHS]
- Good Lord.
- Poor taste, Mom.
Sorry. So, Louise, you find anything?
[SIGHS] Not much, Mom.
Tina's clothes have
done some hard living.
A lot of stains, a lot of smells.
Just wait till you're 13, princess.
Okay, whatever. I'm
gonna go pee real quick.
[GENE] Pee real slow.
If Taily taught us anything,
it's to live in the moment.
I know that's true.
And I don't know if
there's a heaven for birds,
but there is Jonathan
Tail-or Thomas in it,
and he's flying around right
now with his angel wings,
which I guess he has in
addition to his regular wings.
I just hope it's not too many wings.
Um Gene.
[SINGING] Tail-or, hoo-hoo ♪
I miss you, bro ♪
My dad failed you, hoo-hoo ♪
Killed by his window ♪
And if justice had prevailed ♪
Right now his butt
would be in jail ♪
Tail-or, hoo-hoo ♪
I cannot wait until I see you ♪
At the pearly gates ♪
You'll say, who in
heaven do you want to see? ♪
It could be any celebrity ♪
Taily, it's just you ♪
You're the person I'm most
excited to see when I get to heaven ♪
- The end.
- Okay,
so coffee and donuts are right
this way, if you want to follow me.
And if you're a fan of Boston Cream,
- sorry, I already ate those.
- Oh.
Hey, is it okay if I go up now and
start getting ready for Boisterous?
Get tubular, so to speak.
- Uh, yeah, that's fine.
- Okay! Okay, great!
Lin, easy.
Can Gene and I be done, too?
'Cause, you know, we're grieving.
[SIGHS] You've told me that
so many times today, Louise.
- The answer's still no.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
Hello? Yes, this is Bob.
You got our number from Craig?
Oh, right. Wildlife Rescue Craig.
Uh-huh. Yeah, the one
with the long tail and
Oh. Oh No.
It was your bird?
His name was Zeus.
Jonathan Tail-or Thomas had an owner?
You can't own a bird.
That's what that song
Free Bird was all about.
I'm so sorry.
Oh. Of course you want the remains.
But we, um, buried him in
our handyman's backyard.
Tell them it was a lovely service.
Mention the speech,
but just the highlights.
Oh, okay.
Uh. I will text you the address
and I guess meet you there.
See you soon, bye.
She wants to go dig up her bird.
- What? Why?
- Maybe because she doesn't think
it makes sense for her longtime pet
to be buried in a stranger's yard.
Where should he be buried, her
yard? Okay. Yeah, that's fair.
It's gone! My tube top is gone.
- What?
- No! This is all just too much.
I laid it out on my bed this
morning and now it's not anywhere.
I'm just gonna ask what
everyone's thinking.
Did we accidentally bury
the bird in Tina's tube top?
I feel like we would've remembered
doing something like that.
But also, we're all really fragile
right now, so I just don't know.
- No, we didn't.
- Okay. Just checking.
[GRUNTING] Where the frig
is my frigging tube top?
It's got to be in here somewhere.
Unless it hopped a train to
Tubson, Arizona. [CHUCKLES]
Mom, now is not the time.
- Sorry.
- How's it going?
Are you throwing clothes
everywhere because you found it?
No, Dad, we didn't find it.
Okay, I'm gonna walk over to Teddy's
to meet the owner of the
dead bird and help dig it up.
And Gene and Louise want to come
because they're really strange.
I love you but I have less than
an hour to find the tube top,
get ready and get to the theater.
So unless you're fireball
fuchsia, covered in sequins
and give me a tiny bit of an armpit
rash, I need you to move along.
- Just go, Bob. Go.
- Going. Uh, have a nice time at the thing.
- You have a nice time at the thing!
- [BOB] Yeah.
So sorry again for your loss
and for burying your pet bird.
- Zeus.
- Right, Zeus.
Uh, what kind of bird was he?
A Pin-tailed Whydah.
I had him for eight years.
Wow, I think that means
you two are legally married.
- Sometimes it felt that way.
- Oh.
- 'Cause we bickered a lot.
- Oh, got it.
- Wait. What did you think?
- Nothing at all.
So Whydah you think he flew away? Sorry.
We had a little tiff that morning.
He didn't like the new
kind of bird food I got him.
I tried to tell him that the kind
he liked had been discontinued.
And he was having
quite a 'tude about it.
Like Mom, when the store
ran out of her crackers.
Yeah. That was tense.
I said, "Well, aren't you
just a little pampered prince?"
And I guess I didn't close the door
on the cage all the way and he got out.
[CRYING] And then the window
in the bedroom was open
and he got out of the apartment.
[HYPERVENTILATING] So the last
conversation we had was a fight.
And you say to yourself, "Why him, God?
Why did you take him instead of me?"
Oh, I mean, no.
Oh. Uh
Any-whosey-doozy,
not sure this is the right spot.
Are we possibly digging
in the wrong spot?
I thought this was the spot.
Do you not know where he's buried?
No, no, no, we do.
It's just There's a lot
of leaves on the ground,
so it's hard to see the fresh dirt. Uh.
Kids, do you remember
where we buried him?
I remember it was
definitely in this yard
or that yard.
- It was a yard. Or maybe the beach?
- [BOB] Hmm.
You think you got under
the mattress somehow?
I don't know.
I'm not a tube top scientist.
Mom, why aren't you looking?
What? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm looking.
Not there. Not there.
- Here, tube top. Here, girl.
- Wait a second.
You don't want me to
find my tube top, do you?
You hate my tube top.
What? No, I don't that much.
- You hid it somewhere, didn't you?
- What? No!
Yes, you did. What did you do
with it? Did you throw it away?
- Oh, My God.
- Tina, where are you going?
Honey, stop. Don't go through the trash.
Why? Because you don't
want me to find it?
- Ugh, that's slimy.
- Tina, this is ridiculous.
Is it? Ugh, something wet.
Is it because I'm getting warmer?
Oh, boy, wet and slimy.
Huh, Mom? Aha!
Okay, that's a chicken bone.
I don't know why I thought
that was a tube top.
- I hit something.
- Oh, thank God.
Zeus.
Wait, what is that?
- That is Francis.
- Oh, God.
I could tell because I buried
her with her favorite chew toy.
Also, this is clearly a
decomposing guinea pig.
- [BOB] Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Phyllis, is this close enough or
- Not really.
- No? Okay.
- [SIGHS]
Bringing up a lot of feelings.
You think you move past something,
and then you're right back in it.
Teddy, can we focus on the other
grieving pet owner right now?
Yeah. Yeah, right.
Bob sat on Francis, by the way.
Okay. Great. Thank you, Teddy.
You don't have to tell
the story right now.
No, I'll tell it.
- It was a cold, crisp night.
- Oh, my God.
Tina, no! Don't go in the dumpster.
You're gonna get a dumpster disease.
Why do you hate my
tube top so much, Mom?
- Umm
- Yeah?
- Because
- Because, why?
Because you look like a
hoochie-hoochie. Sorry.
A hoochie-hoochie?
A floozy-doozy, a skanky-panky.
Well, I I think I look really nice
in it. So, I'm sorry you don't like it.
That's why you got rid of it?
Because I look like a skanky-panky?
No, Tina, I didn't get rid of it.
When would I have even done it?
It was on your bed. Then
we went to the bird funeral.
Then I went right into the
restaurant when we got home.
Well, what about when you went to
"pee" before we left for the funeral?
It was the perfect cover.
You walked past my room,
you saw the tube top and
you seized the opportunity.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
I'm going to kill you.
Tina, that didn't happen, I swear.
I mean, did I think about
getting rid of the tube top?
Did I fantasize about it? Sure.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ♪]
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
But I didn't do it.
Then what the heck happened to it?
Well, Louise was in there, right?
To see if she wanted
any of your old clothes.
Not this. Not this.
Ugh. No, thank you.
[TINA] Right. And then I went in there
and grabbed all the
stuff to throw in the box.
Oh, my God, I put my tube
top in the donations box.
- Oh, no!
- We gotta go get it back!
Okay, oh, I hope we can find it.
I don't smell like I've
been in a dumpster, do I?
Oh, it's fine. Every teenager smells
like they've been in a dumpster.
[TINA] Oh, I hope my tube top's okay.
[LINDA] Don't worry,
honey. We'll get it back.
Hey, Slowy Deschanel!
- Go already. Come on!
- [HONKS]
- Don't have road rage, okay?
- Okay.
What are you looking at?
Okay. Good news. Bad news.
The good news is I found something.
The bad news is I'm pretty sure
it's my downstairs neighbor
Mr. Zibinsky's iguana
that passed away last year.
I feel like saying good
news was unnecessary.
Yeah, I just wanted to
put a positive spin on it.
I'm gonna lie down for a bit.
I'm feeling a little
overwhelmed by sadness.
- Oh, God.
- Okay.
[QUIETLY] Dig, guys.
Dig, please find this bird right now.
I'm not even gonna mention the
ferret skeleton I just found.
Yeah, you should just
toss that right back in.
I'm so sorry, Tina.
I can't believe someone
bought it that fast.
I can. Let's just go to the theater.
Or maybe just go home.
- Oh, hon.
- [SIGHS]
I feel like that Boyz 4 Now song,
"I just want to cry myself
to sleep in my brand new bed."
[GASP] Look, there it is. Edith has it.
Edith! Did, uh, did you
just buy that tube top?
Wow. Coming in hot.
Not that it's any of your business,
but, yes, I'm gonna wear
it to the Crafts Festival
Harold and I are going to.
Crochetlapalooza.
Yarn, drugs and everything in between.
So, any more dumb questions
or are we done here?
Ah, just one more.
Okay. I think we need a
plan for how to tell Phyllis
that her reburial is
maybe not gonna happen.
Is it rude to quietly run away?
No, right?
Can I come too, even though I live here?
- I'm gonna go.
- Oh, no.
- Really?
- So soon?
[SIGHS] Yeah, I'm gonna go home.
Maybe smell Zeus' perch for a while.
Wait, hold on. This
looks like fresh dirt.
I'm gonna dig.
Oh, please, please, please, please.
Oh, please.
Oh, Zeus!
There he is.
- Finally!
- It's you.
[BREATHES] I'm sorry we fought.
I love you.
I'll always love you.
Gah, that's nice.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Tweet! Tweet, tweet.
[CONTINUES TWEETING]
Uh, what's going on?
This feels like a private conversation.
Hey, what are you doing out there?
- Is that my Igor?
- [TWEETING CONTINUES]
Oh, God. Hi, Mr. Zibinsky.
Everything's fine!
Just gearing up for some cornhole.
[WHISPERING]
Bury the iguana. Bury the iguana.
Please, Edith, you gotta
give us the tube top back.
Nope. No way.
A tube top like this comes
along once in a lifetime.
The sequins, the fit.
It's gonna be a real jug
jamboree in this thing.
[SIGHS]
You know, I actually hate
that frigging tube top.
And I didn't want Tina to wear it.
Ah, great. This again.
It's a very small piece of clothing.
I mean, I wouldn't have had
the guts to wear it at her age.
Why? Because you're a lame-ass?
No. Maybe. I was a little
ashamed of my furry belly.
- Huh?
- Oh, you mean your
human body, you idiot?
What I'm saying is, I had my own issues
and all the other stuff,
the hoochie-hoochie stuff.
Sorry. My mom uses the
term "hoochie-hoochie."
But the most important thing is that
my daughter tried that top
on and she felt beautiful.
And I want her to feel beautiful
and confident and good about herself.
And all the other crap I'm feeling
doesn't matter as much as that.
Okay, I'll give it to you.
- Yeah?
- Really?
- For a thousand dollars.
- What?
- Deal.
- No.
Fine. 750 and a ride
to the crafts festival.
- It's in Ohio.
- Deal.
How about 43 dollars and
some mints from my purse?
I'll take it.
We're here. Go, go, go.
- Okay, bye.
- Wait, Tina,
when should I pick you
up? Like a couple of hours?
Oh, no, the movie is
over four hours long.
- Holy crap.
- Yeah, there's one song called,
"I'm still best friends
with all 38 of my exes."
And Boo Boo brings them
all onstage one by one.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye.
- Wait, Tina!
- Yeah?
- You look beautiful.
- Thanks, Mom.
Oh, my God! Is that
her nipple sticking out?
Honey, wait! Oh.
Just a sequin. Just a stray seat.
Forget I said anything.
You're beautiful! Okay, bye!
Driving away now. I'm driving away.
Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up ♪
If your name is Nancy
I'd call you a fancy Nancy ♪
Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up ♪
Well, I'm sorry to swear ♪
But I love your formal wear ♪
Girl, look at you
You clean up nice ♪
I heard that you
ironed those pants twice ♪
Don't get me wrong
You wanna be patriotic ♪
I'm gonna pay you this
compliment Girl, you sparkle ♪
Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up ♪
If your name was Tammy ♪
I would call you ♪