Bob's Burgers s16e09 Episode Script

1
[LINDA] Yay! Tree
Town Christmas Village.
Is it a town or is it a village?
It's a Christmas village
located within the town of Tree.
Yeah, it used to be just a tree farm,
and then they started adding
all this Christmas village stuff.
There's a cookie decorating
station and a Cocoa Hut.
Oh, we know. Why do you think we agreed
to venture out and
freeze our tiny butts off
on the coldest night of the year?
Yeah, my frozen ass wants some sugar.
- Gene.
- Oh, this place is so cute.
You pay for everything
with mistle-dough.
When we get in, we gotta exchange
our money for mistle-dough.
Do we have to go through customs?
- I don't think so.
- Oh, thank God.
I have some unpasteurized cheese on me.
Not many cars, huh? Must be the cold.
And how people don't
like to be out in weather
that makes you feel
like you're gonna die.
Oh, look at these beautiful trees.
Just to be clear, we're
not buying a tree, right,
'cause we already have one?
That we got in mid-November
for some reason.
And you described it as your soul mate.
And you said it was the
only thing you'd save
if there was a fire.
Hey. Just because we have
a perfect tree at home
doesn't mean we can't look.
We're married, not buried, right, Bob?
- Um
- Ooh. Look at that one.
Hello.
Oh, God. Logan. What's he doing here?
- [GRUNTS] Heads up, Dad.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Louise, I know you don't like
Logan, but it's Christmas.
The time for loving our
neighbors and goodwill towards
Oh, God, that punk-ass
Cynthia is here, too.
Keep walking, keep walking.
Weren't you just saying how
Christmas is a time for love
Yep, yep, yep. Let's go.
And pile on a little more.
Climb to the sky, Candy Tower.
It's a monument to the arrogance of man.
Geez, do you kids not
care about aesthetics,
or just how things look in general?
I mean, Gene, your cookie's all icing.
There's a cookie?
And we're out of these.
Lin, I think the candy
is for decorating.
Shh. It's fine, narc.
- [TRAIN HORN HONKS]
- Oh, it's a train, sort of.
[TINA] Huh. I didn't know trains
could go between your knees like that.
Is this what that song
"Crazy Train" is about?
Looks fun-ish. Should we go do that?
Sure. I've straddled worse.
Okay. But then let's find
this famous Cocoa Hut.
Some locomotion and then cocoa-motion?
- Sound good?
- Deal.
Mom, Dad, you kids cool if we split?
Okay. Here, take some mistle-dough.
Don't spend it all in one place.
But spend it all here because
I don't think this money
works in the real world.
- Okay, bye.
- Here. Guard these with your life.
- And guard mine the most.
- [BOB] Mmm.
Whoa, whoa, guys, wait. I just realized.
We haven't decorated
cookies for Santa yet.
- You can give him those.
- Sorry, what?
No. These are a shameless way
to get sugar into our faces.
No. Uh-uh. Santa deserves a
beautiful dignified cookie.
- Not these.
- Yeah. These are trash.
Sorry, but come on.
You have such a good
point, Dad. Will you do it?
Please. You seem to have a
lot of thoughts about this.
And we've got a train to catch.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
I'll decorate some for Santa.
But only because there's a heater here
and I like the idea
of not walking around.
- Thanks. Bye!
- [BOTH] Bye.
Okay, bye, kids.
We'll meet your little cabooses
back here when you're done.
I guess it's just you and me now.
- I'm gonna go.
- What?
I'll take a quick lap
to look at the trees.
You know, check out the talent.
I don't want to be all
alone in the Cookie Hut.
Oh, you'll be fine. And it
doesn't look creepy at all,
a grown man by himself in here.
Okay, I'll be back soon. Love you. Bye.
[SIGHS] Yup.
- Hi.
- That man is sad.
I know, honey. Don't stare.
Looks like we have
the train to ourselves.
Yeah. Coming here when it's
so cold that my face hurts
definitely has its perks.
- Three, please.
- All aboard the Christmas Steamer.
One mistle-dough to ride.
I took a Christmas steamer this morning.
[LOUISE] You did. You really did.
[TINA] Just looking for
the seat-belts on this thing.
Anyone else seeing seat-belts?
- No?
- [LOGAN] Hup.
Hey, you little kiddies
enjoying the kiddy train?
Ugh. We were.
Hey, why don't you
go ruin someone else's
Tree Town Christmas Village experience?
Nope. Not leaving.
My parents drag me here
every year to get our tree.
And every year,
I ride this turd train
until the nightmare's over.
Nice to have Christmas traditions.
So while they argue
about what tree to get,
using "I feel" statements,
I come here and stunt this train.
You "stunt" the train?
[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.
Train stunts. Jumping off the train,
jumping back on the train,
interacting with the holiday decor.
I'd show you the
videos I made last year,
but my parents took my phone away
because I got a C in Spanish.
Isn't that good?
I thought "Sí" was Spanish.
I wouldn't know.
But what about that
guy? Won't he get mad?
The conductor? [LAUGHS]
Tss. He's checked out.
And also, I don't think he
can physically turn around.
Speaking of! [GRUNTS] 540!
Did somebody page the Spin Doctors?
My dad's second favorite band.
Look them up.
Oh, look at that tree.
Oh, look at that tree.
Ooh, look at that one. Hi,
tree. You're looking at me?
Oh. And I bet you guys
have great personalities.
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
[SCREAMS] What the hell are you doing?
Excuse me!
- Hello!
- What? Are you talking to me?
What are you doing to those trees?
Uh, we take the trees that
don't sell, and we chip them up
to use them as mulch
for the next year's crop.
What? You're feeding Christmas
trees to Christmas trees?
That's a weird way to put it, but yeah.
Anyway, I'd better get back to it.
By the way, this area's
employees only, ma'am.
- Please step back.
- Oh, my God.
Why?
[DRY HEAVING]
Oh. What wonderful cookies.
And look at those.
Uh, my kids did those.
Don't look at them.
I did this one.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I was trying something.
I used sprinkles to make a star.
Good job, sir.
Thanks. Yeah, I think it
turned out pretty good
Oh, you walked away. Mrs.
Claus liked my cookie.
Twirl jump. Run real fast.
[GRUNTS] Surf the train.
- [LOUISE] Pfft.
- Did you just "Pfft" me?
Yeah, that's right. And
here's another one. Pfft.
Like you could do it, Louise.
Uh, yeah, I could.
- Maybe don't
- Twirl jump.
[TINA] Oh, you're doing it.
[PANTS] Run real fast.
- Surf the train.
- [TRAIN HORN HONKING]
Oh, darn. Ride's over.
No more train stunts.
Exit to your right. Happy holidays.
The train was slowing down.
Doesn't count.
Actually, I just
talked to my accountant,
and it does count.
My train stunt game is strong.
Your train stunt game is stunted.
Oh, yeah? How about a train stunt-off?
Oh. Or maybe not do that?
Did someone say "Cocoa Hut"?
You're on, moron.
What are we stunting for?
Winner gets the loser's
mistle-dough, all of it.
- Oh, my.
- Um,
but won't you spend all your
mistle-dough on the ride?
"Good point, Tina."
Watch this. One, please.
[CONDUCTOR]
All aboard the Christmas Steamer.
One mistle-dough to ride.
[LAUGHS] Fake dough drop.
See, Tina? Problem solved.
Come on, let's go.
I mean, maybe Christmas isn't the time
to have a stupid showdown with Logan.
Yeah. Christmas is for ham, not beef.
- Know what I'm saying?
- Disagree. I think it's the best time.
You don't have to come. How
about I meet you at Cocoa Hut?
I'm not gonna just leave
you here to do train stunts.
Mom and Dad would never forgive
me if you fell under the wheels
of a miniature train
during holiday season.
And I can't go get cocoa by myself.
I'm too adorable. I'll
get hit on like crazy.
- Ugh. Fine.
- Great. Paying my dough, sir.
- [TINA] One.
- [GENE] Keep the change. [LAUGHS]
Nothing wrong here.
Everything aboveboard.
Choo-choo, my good man. [CHUCKLES]
Okay. So, how are we gonna do this?
One of us does a stunt,
and then the other person
has to do it exactly the same,
or they lose their dignity
and all their mistle-dough.
Here's an idea for a stunt.
Who can sit still the longest?
Peter Pescadero takes a pill for that.
I got one. Check it, dweeblings.
High-five, Santa.
Side roll over the present.
And back on before the bridge.
Merry Stunt-mas.
Not bad, but not good.
Like what your mom said
- when you came out of her butt.
- Um
But my mom rejoiced when
I came out of her butt.
So you gonna stunt that stunt
or did I just win already?
[LOUISE GRUMBLES]
Oh, come on!
These sweet ugly trees deserve a chance
to find good homes just
as much as the hotties
with the bodies that
you've got up front.
[SIGHS, TURNS OFF MOTOR]
Look, I appreciate how
much you love these trees,
or let's say I do,
but the thing is, I also
want to stop talking to you
and get back to what I was doing.
Does that make you feel
like we're done here,
I hope, maybe?
Oh, whatever.
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
I'm getting you guys
out of here. Come on.
Shh. Act casual.
I'll come back for you other trees.
Don't look at me like that. I will.
[BOB] I'm gonna call
you Frosting the Snowman.
Daddy, make mine look like that man's.
Oh, uh, I don't know how to
Um, how do you make your
snowman look so good?
Mine looks like it
has big scary nipples.
I wouldn't say scary.
I think you just want them
to be up and down like buttons
and not next to each other like nipples.
Got it. You really know your stuff.
Yeah. You did it again.
You put them side by side.
Oh. Look at that. I did.
Yeah. Do you want me
to just do it for you?
I'm happy to
- Please.
- Thank God.
In stunting position, and [GRUNTS]
High-five Santa. Ah.
Hoo. Roll over the present. [GRUNTS]
[PANTING]
Back on before the bridge.
[CATCHING BREATH] That was easy.
- Pfft.
- Yeah, and your little shriek
sounded super-brave.
- Thank you.
- And now let's just enjoy the bridge.
We're like seven inches
above the valley floor.
Really puts things in
perspective, you know.
Okay, my turn to pick a stunt.
We have to jump up onto that tunnel,
run across the top,
jump off the other side,
back onto the train.
- Nope. Nope. Nope.
- What?
Because I'll break
many of my little bones?
Probably right. I'll
think of something else.
How about making a
boom-boom in your diaper?
[GENE] Good luck. I can
never poop when I'm traveling.
Psst.
Psst.
Hi. That's a beautiful tree
you got your eye on there.
And lucky you, because today
it's buy one, get one free.
So you get to take home
two Christmas trees.
- Oh, uh
- I know what you're thinking.
One's gonna be jealous of the
other and they're gonna fight,
and you'll be up all
night with fighting trees.
But once they get to know each
other, they can be friends.
Or maybe even more than friends.
Who knows? None of my business.
Sorry. Do you work here?
Kinda. Not really.
- Um, okay. No, thanks.
- But it's free.
- I'd like a free tree.
- You would?
That's great.
Yeah. I'm gonna use it for firewood.
Get out! Get out of here!
Scoop some snow, feed
it to choir penguin
and back on the train! Whoo!
So just do that.
How about I do it like that,
but add grace and elegance.
Grace and Elegance. I love that show.
Lily Tomlin is my hall pass!
Okay. Should we call it? Me cocoa now?
- This guy's down for some hot brown.
- Me too, Louise.
Can we get off this train, please?
Not that it hasn't been
really fun, and cold, and long.
Yeah, Louise, you should quit
and just admit I'm better
than you in every way.
Exit to your right. Happy holidays.
Guys, I can't quit now.
I'm wearing Logan out.
He's tired. He's old.
I'm so close to winning this.
Just one more round, please.
As your Christmas present to me.
Plus the real Christmas
presents you'll give me.
- Ugh. Fine. One more round.
- Thank you.
I'm numb from the waist down, anyway.
What's a few more minutes
of not feeling my penis?
Saddle up, Logan.
One more round, I take you down.
All right, then, Louise.
Guess I'll continue to humiliate you
under these beautiful winter stars.
Okay, bud, I'll hold Nebkin while
you're on the train, all right?
I want to keep Nebkin.
No, no, I'll keep him safe
with me and baby Mason.
Nebkin! I want Nebkin!
Okay. Here you go.
Easy, bud. You know best.
- You don't. You're four.
- Four and a half!
Okay. Okay.
All right, Logan, ready to lose?
The only thing I'm gonna
lose is my inhibitions
when I go above and beyond
what I ever thought
I was capable of, son.
Oh, yeah?
Well, check this out, buttcracker.
[GRUNTS]
Under the gingerbread man,
over the polar bear,
through the trees,
jump off the rock.
Whoa-oh-oh. Yeah!
- [SCREAMS]
- Uh-oh.
Nebkin!
Oh, boy.
- What did you just do?
- [SOBBING]
[CONDUCTOR] Sounds like somebody
back there is excited to ride a train.
I get it. Whee.
[SOBBING]
Nebkin.
[SHUSHES] It's okay. I'm gonna get him.
- Your "Knobling"?
- Nebkin!
God, Louise, this
was a train stunt-off.
Not a train destroy-the-Christmas
of-an-innocent-child-off.
- Shush!
- I mean, if it was that,
you would have won.
- Definitely would have won.
- Thank you!
- What's wrong, bud?
- [BABY CRYING]
Oh, God, where's Nebkin?
- [BAWLING]
- Oh, God.
Uh, hi, yeah. We saw it.
It was just a crazy freak accident.
No one to blame at all.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Guys, we gotta get that stuffy back.
- [BOTH] Uh-huh.
- Even if it takes all night.
[CONDUCTOR] Okay, folks,
last ride before we close.
- Oh, God.
- [TRAIN HORN HONKING]
Sir, conductor man, can you please look
for my son's stuffed-animal
dog-shaped thing?
- Nebkin!
- It's called Nebkin.
We'll look for your son's napkin.
Oh, no, no. "Nebkin." It's Nebkin.
Yeah, and we're looking, too.
Uh, we'll bring it back safe and sound.
But just in case, is it like
a super-important stuffy,
or kind of in the middle?
It's very important.
It's Grady's favorite stuffy.
He can't sleep without it.
Uh-huh. But like, you
could get another one
- if you had to.
- No.
Nebkin's the last
thing my dad gave Grady
- before he died.
- Okay.
- Got it.
- [LOGAN] Wow.
You took a toy from a child.
You're like the anti-Santa.
Are you trying to say Santana?
Ugh, Logan, why are you still here?
I'm not a monster like you, Louise.
I'm gonna rescue that kid's stuffy,
and save the world like
little baby Jesus did.
No, I'm gonna save the stuffy.
I'm baby Jesus.
- I'm baby Jesus.
- [TINA] Stop it!
Christmas is not the time to be
talking about little baby Jesus!
[HUMMING]
It's fine.
Now the Cocoa Cabin's
gonna have a Christmas tree.
Everybody wins. You're welcome.
So pretty. Oh, my God, it's on fire.
- [EXCLAIMING] Ow.
- [SIGHS] Ma'am.
Okay, fine. We're leaving.
But we're taking the tinsel.
Okay, I won't take the
tinsel, but I want a cocoa.
One cocoa, please. You are complicit.
So I knew I wanted to use
the peppermints as the ears,
but I was like, how
am I gonna do the fur?
And that's when I saw the candy cane
that someone had smushed.
Candy cane splinters
in an interesting way,
and it kind of looks like fur.
- [ALL] Ooh.
- It does, it does.
So I guess what I'm saying is, be bold.
Make the cookie your cookie.
That's what gives it meaning.
Um, excuse me, sir.
Please, I'm one of you. Call me Bob.
Uh-huh, yeah. Well, we're closing soon,
so could you maybe
stop what you're doing?
Uh, uh, okay.
Uh, can I just stay near the heat lamp
until my family comes for me?
- Um
- I have a family.
- They were here before.
- Of course they were.
Why would I lie?
Yup. No. Why would you?
I guess for the heat, but [STAMMERS]
but I have a family,
- I swear.
- Uh-huh.
All right, coming up on Nebkin.
Maybe I'll use that
teddy bear's ice skate
to saw off a branch,
and use it to hook Nebkin when we go by.
Oh, I have an idea.
Maybe you should saw off a
[MIMICS FART]
And use it to [MIMICS FART]
Saw this off. [MIMICS FART]
Ugh. I can't take it anymore.
As a wise woman in
red glasses once said,
Christmas is about loving your neighbor.
- Sally Jessy Raphael?
- No. Mom. Look,
that stuffy is way the hell up there.
You two are gonna have to work together
if you're gonna get even
close to reaching it.
Logan, you have to stand on your seat.
And, Louise, you have to
stand on Logan's shoulders.
And then Gene and I
will hold Logan's legs
to keep you guys steady, okay?
Ugh! I don't want to stand on Logan.
My feet will probably
catch his shoulder warts.
I don't want your feet on my shoulders.
You probably got fart feet.
As a matter of fact,
I do have fart feet.
Cut it the frick out! Be enemies later.
- Fine. Whatever.
- Okay.
But what if we crash into the tunnel?
I don't really want to
get my head chopped off.
That's where I'm gonna
grow my goatee someday.
Well, just grab Nebkin
and drop down before your
head gets chopped off.
Logan, stand up and then crouch down.
- Confusing instructions already.
- Shush.
Gene and I are gonna get you
in position. Just do what I say.
Oh, mighty Santa,
please let them not die.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Get up better.
Where are your shoulders?
Do you not know what shoulders are?
I'm just gonna stand on your neck.
[LOGAN GROANING] Oh. I just realized
it'll probably be your head
that gets chopped off. Cool.
Well, if it does, I hope it
bites you on the way down.
Guys, focus!
The train's going pretty
slow, so that's helpful.
[CONDUCTOR]
Okay, kids, I always speed things up
for the last ride of the
night for a little extra fun,
but mostly to be done sooner.
- What?
- No!
- Here we go.
- No, conductor. Bad conductor.
- [HORN HONKING]
- [ALL SCREAMING]
[BOTH] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Okay, there's Nebkin.
Logan, get taller.
I've been trying to do
that since sixth grade.
[STRAINING] Engaging core muscles.
[GROANING]
I don't know if I can reach it!
[STRAINING] Hurry. Hurry.
Got it! Crouch down, crouch down!
Oof. [GROANS]
Louise! Are you alive?
[GENE] Or are you just legs now?
It's okay. We'll accept you either way.
[LOUISE] I'm alive.
Just hanging on a tunnel
with my very weak arms.
Um, so maybe carefully
lower yourself down?
Okay.
Four
[TINA] Wait. What are you doing?
I'm running!
[SCREAMING]
Louise, no!
Don't do the tunnel thing!
Just do safety!
[GRUNTS] My undercarriage.
Yes! [PANTING] I did it!
- Whoa.
- Holy crap.
- Damn.
- Nebkin, you're going home, pal.
Wow. You are just covered in
little-boy snot, aren't you?
Ugh. I'm sorry. I failed you, trees.
May God have mercy on your souls.
I just don't understand why
they have to smell like that.
You mean like a pine tree?
Ugh, Cynthia.
[TOM] Oh, I guess a hundred million
years of evolution must be wrong.
Tom, there are people
that don't like pine smell.
Yeah, they're called sociopaths.
What about this one?
Uh, huh.
That one? Kind of sparse,
might not support the
weight of ornaments.
Also, I don't like looking at it.
Well, I like the way it doesn't smell.
I'm bonding with this one,
more than I'm bonding with
my husband right now, frankly.
All right, easy.
My girl wants the ugliest tree,
my girl gets the ugliest tree.
- Aww.
- Love you, hon.
I think your mom was wrong.
We are gonna make it.
Oh, bye, tree.
Cynthia's awful,
but still better than a wood chipper.
Maybe. Right?
[HORN HONKS]
Okay, that's it for tonight, folks.
Exit to your right. Happy holidays.
[GROANING]
- [SOBBING]
- Okay, hold on, bud.
The train's back.
I'm gonna ask the
train man if he maybe
- Here you go.
- Nebkin!
- Oh, thank God.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- You did this.
- I did.
- I did.
- She did it.
You threw him into
I brang him back to you
- She brought it back.
- safely. That's right.
Hey! He's so sweet. Great age.
Merry Christmas.
Here, take my mistle-dough.
- You won.
- Yeah, I did.
This place usually blows,
but that was kind of the
most fun I ever had here.
Yeah, I guess I didn't have
the worst time of my life.
Aww. Look at you two.
Peace and goodwill.
Later, holi-dorks.
Hope your presents suck.
Bye. I hope a reindeer
farts in your face.
- Yep. Okay.
- Come on, guys.
Better hurry up and spend
this before the place closes.
Let's go blow our dough
and drink our dinner.
[GENE] Yeah. These lips are
ready for some sips, baby!
[TINA] Let's head on down to Cocoa-mo.
The cookies you made for
Santa look very nice, Bob.
- Kids, thank your father.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Papa.
- Thank you, my boy.
I'm not sure I want Santa to eat them.
I kind of feel like they should be put
behind glass in a museum.
Father, those cookies
are gonna get turned into Santa poop
- whether you like it or not.
- [BOB] Mmm.
- What the
- It's fine.
- Everyone in.
- Did a forest barf on our car?
Lin, what did you
We can't have all these
trees in our apartment.
Sure, we can. Who wants a
Christmas tree in their room?
- Me!
- I do!
And that leaves one for the
kitchen and one for the bathroom.
You see, Bob, this is the exact right
amount of Christmas trees for us.
- I feel bad for the bathroom one.
- Oh, please.
These uggos gotta
take what they can get.
Just kidding. You're beautiful.
Your limbs are bare ♪
But I don't care ♪
You got weird brown needles ♪
Just everywhere ♪
You're not shaped
like a triangle ♪
You're shaped like
a really sad square ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
But no tree can be ugly ♪
On Christmas ♪
If there were
mirrors in the woods ♪
Well, you would
have cracked them ♪
You look a little bit
like a piney rectum ♪
But no tree can be ugly ♪
On Christmas ♪