American Dad s16e12 Episode Script
Lumberjerk
1
[ LOUD FIDDLE MUSIC PLAYS]
Stan, it's 5:00 a.m.
- [ MUSIC STOPS]
- On opening day of the state fair!
Just 25 measly miles
between me and those gates.
[ FIDDLE MUSIC RESUMES]
25 miles until I get to heeeaven
Ah! [GRUNTS]
25 miles until I reach the gaaates
[GAGGING]
[SQUEAKING]
25 miles until I get
to the state fair
Where me, ole Stanny-boy
Can plaaaaaay
[ MUSIC STOPS]
Gross. Dad, put a shirt on.
And [SCOFFS] what's with the denim?
This is my state fair outfit, ya doofus.
It's opening day.
The only day the lumberjacks
are there signing autographs.
And this year,
I'm getting my poster signed.
Huh. Weird.
That's how you're spending
your yearly bonding day
- with Jeff?
- Wait. What?
'Cause my wife wants her dad to see
I'm not worthless
Yes!
It's Stan and Jeff's
bondage daaaaaay!
No! That can't be today.
Hey, this guy's hot.
When I was little,
I used to play pretend lumberjack.
Play pretend?
Hayley, he's doing it again.
He's being an idiot.
Dad! He looked up that word
the last time you said it,
and he might still know what it means.
Look, I can't have this boy
with me around the L-Jacks.
He's embarrassing.
Well, that was our bet.
You said our marriage
wouldn't last a year.
It was a safe bet.
Half of marriages end in divorce.
Why can't yours?
So now you have to hang out
with Jeff one day a year.
Fine. Okay. But he's such an
ignoramus?
- Sure. Give it a spin.
- Ignoramus!
Ooh! Are we playing dinosaurs?!
- Sure.
- Rawr!
I'm the great and powerful Ignoranus!
Good morning, U.S.A.
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
- Good
- Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A.
The fair has many distractions,
but we're here for one
thing and one thing only.
The jackin' zone.
Oh, maaan! I crinkled it all up!
I'm a stupid idiot.
Tissue for your tears, sir?
Is this a paper towel?
[CHUCKLES] Well. I am a lumberjack.
Wow! That's quite a jaw you have.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Say, have you ever thought
about jackin', my friend?
R-r-r-really?! Like with a big old axe?
Totally! With an axe, a beard.
All the lumberjack things.
We compete in the Langley
woods off route 80.
We've even got an amateur division,
and there's an opening in doubles.
You could, uh,
join up with your son here.
This guy's not my son.
[CLICKING]
This is my son.
Whoa. Babe alert.
Thanks for pretending you're my mom
so I can get my ears pierced,
Mrs. Smith.
No problem.
I want my son's friends to look hot.
Snot, look!
It's one of those contests!
Whoever keeps their hand on
the truck longest wins it.
Wow. A truck would be a godsend.
My mom has had to pick up
a lot of farm work lately.
Winning this truck
could be the difference
between life and death for us.
And if we win it, we could park it
on Tuttle's front lawn for a joke!
[STEVE AND FRANCINE LAUGH]
- Oh! Let me in there!
- It's starting!
- Check it out!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
This kind of contest brings
out the worst in people.
Don't trust anybody.
They're just trying to get
your hand off the truck.
Got it.
Oh, to help us pass the time,
why don't you show us
your famous Sicilian
grandmother impression, Snot?
[ITALIAN ACCENT] Ah-ha!
Whenaya gonna get a-married-uh?
That kid took his hand off!
Steve! How could you?
Take a hike, rookie.
[METAL SCRAPING]
Hop in, Schmuley! We gotta get
this cow to Lancaster county!
[DOOR CREAKS, METAL SCRAPING]
STAN: Oh, Buckle would be
a great lumberjack partner.
- [BEEP, LINE RINGING]
- BUCKLE: Yello?
Buckle, my man! How'd you like
Ha! You've reached my machine!
- Leave a message!
- [ BEEP]
[CHUCKLES]
Nobody makes me laugh
harder than you, Buckle.
You're a real dick.
[BEEP]
Lewis, I'm looking
for a partner to jack with.
Oh, no, no, no. I-I mean lumber jack.
- [ CLICK]
- Hello?
Dick, what's up?
Hooper, my bud. Dooper.
Bullock, sir, I need your help.
Hello, Tuttle.
Ms. Peaches, you may not remember me,
but you taught me art
in elementary school.
Huh. Girl Smith?
Probably Hayley or Francine.
- Could be someone else.
- [BEEP]
Hey, Dad.
[SIGHS HEAVILY] Hey, Hayley.
Will you please be my
lumberjack partner?
Oh. This is the thing
Jeff was telling me about.
He said he really wanted
to do this with you.
Yeah, anybody but him.
Dad, just do it with him.
He might actually be helpful.
And if he's not, I will never
make you do bonding day again.
[BEEP]
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING] Damn it!
Hanging out with Jeff to never
hang out with Jeff again?
It's a gotdang Catch-Jeffy-2!
The world's so sucky!
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[BEEP]
I've considered your offer.
I think it's a fair deal.
You know I can hear you, right?
We share a wall.
Howdy, partner!
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
Wow. It's amazing how many
people got phone calls
and suddenly ran off for no reason.
Oh, there was a reason.
Ever heard of"arson"?
You had their homes burned down?
Well, I don't wanna brag.
Get off my truck! My wife's in labor!
- No late joiners.
- [BREATHING SHARPLY]
The contest already started, buddy.
And ended! That was this morning.
I didn't want a hot hardbody.
That's why I parked in the shade.
What do you think, mom?
She does look pregnant.
In labor, my ass!
Put your cervix on the glass!
[BREATHING SHARPLY]
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER:
Welcome, lumberjacks!
We have a very exciting
doubles heat for you today!
Next up on the standing block chop,
a team making their amateur debut
Stan Smith and Jeff Fister!
Fister. That's how I signed you up.
'Cause you're worthless,
just like a fist.
Ready positions!
[PISTOL FIRES]
[TWANG!]
Oww!
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: Look at him go!
Not since Woody Woodpecker himself
have I seen anybody chewin'
up wood like this!
Oh, my God.
This Fister guy is better than me.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
It's a record!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Wow! Fister! That was amazing!
Fister's not his name!
That was my hilarious joke!
Plus, I got that log started like 90%.
So, really, you guys
should be impressed by me.
And my Jack hands.
Fellow L-Jacks call 'em "Jack Hands,"
as my friends can attest, Jeff.
It's what happens when you
jack so hard and fast, Jeff.
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER:
As we reach the middle
of the lumberjacking season,
no team has been more fun to watch
than Smith and Fister.
Let's see them work their magic
in doubles speed-climbing.
[PISTOL FIRES]
Fister taking charge,
carrying Smith like a reverse kangaroo!
[BELL CLANGS]
I am Smith, vertical wood cheetah!
Oh, you looked so sexy
scaling that tree, babe.
Minus my dad humping your back.
Thanks, babe.
But you know what's really sexy?
Finally getting to have some
quality time with your dad.
What are you talking about?
He's using you to look good
in front of the lumberjacks,
and he's not giving you any credit.
Jeff, I'm taking the L-Jacks
back to my place
for some F-Jacks.
That's flapjack,
as any real jack-jock would already know
and not need explained, at the dear cost
of slowing down the
exit of the Jack Pack.
Peace out!
That's a real D-Bag move.
Maybe you should think about
ditching my dad and going solo.
I don't know, babe.
I'm so close to him
realizing I'm not worthless.
Of course you're not worthless.
You're my whole world.
Can you find your own ride home?
I'm getting trashed with Danuta
at the Pickle Palace tonight.
She's in a sexual relationship
with some of the bartenders there.
Peace out!
Wow. Danuta.
Good for her.
How many times must I tell you?
This is not a contest.
This is my life
Hey, is that breast milk?
Can I get a pull?
If you people get out of my garage,
you can have all the
breast milk you want!
Puh-lease. When I win this truck,
women will be chucking
breast milk at me.
- [CHEWING]
- STAN: Mm. Oh.
Now, me and Jeff
don't always eat Flappy-Js
another word for F-Jacks,
Jeff, try to keep up
with our shirts off,
but I just thought you guys
should see how much better
my body is than my partner's.
HAYLEY: [SLURRING] Your partner's?
[CRUNCHING]
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Shyeah right.
Jeff's the only one choppin' and sawin'.
He might as well be on his own.
Psh. Yeah, okay, whatever.
Can you guys believe this nonsense?
[CHEWING]
See? They all know it's true.
- Jeff's better off without you.
- That's ridiculous.
And there's no way to know
for sure who's better anyway.
So you'll just have to trust me
and the guys that I'm better.
There's a solo competition.
Bring it on.
I would "bring it on," obviously,
but it's probably not the season.
He's right. It's not the season.
Well, you lucked out this time, Jeff.
Your embarrassment
will just have to wait.
Season starts Tuesday.
[SOFT RUMBLING]
Roger, you gotta help me!
- Gooo awayyyy.
- Roger, please.
You gotta teach me everything
you know about solo jacking.
And to be clear, I mean
Singles competition timber sports.
What else could you mean? But why?
- Ugh. It's a whole thing with Jeff
- Say no more.
Well, I do want to give
a few more details.
Do you remember when we first met Jeff
and he was only wearing one flip-flop?
-
- So, not only was the watermelon seedless
Stop, stop, stop!
You wanna look good in front of
those gorgeous-ass lumberjacks.
Just give me a second.
Huge Jeanman-Jackman. Lumberjack coach.
Listen, I used to be the
greatest coach of Lumber Jerks
in the Pacific Northwest
'til I punched a student in the face.
And then I punched another.
Got a teensy drinking problem.
I've punched every single one of 'em.
Gaaah! I wanna sock your ugly mug
so bad, I can taste it!
But I respect boundaries.
I'm not your coach.
You're hired. Ugh! Unh!
Oops. I shouldn't have done
that before I did this.
[SLURRING] When my hair's a-danglin',
I've been a-drinkin'.
And now I can do this.
- Unh!
- And back to this!
And back and forth! Enh!
Unh! Unh!
Ad infinitum!
Unh! Unh! Unh!
[PUNCHES LANDING]
[PISTOL FIRES]
Whoo-ooh!
Hair's a-danglin'!
[GASPS]
[PISTOL FIRES]
[APPLAUSE]
Ugh! I instantly regret
throwing my pickle!
Ah, that's my cue.
Get your replacement pickles here!
Pickles for chuckin' and chewin'!
I oughta punch your pickle!
Ooh! Oh, no, you don't.
Hoppity-boppity-boppity-boppity-
boppity-boppity-boppity-boppity!
[CLICK]
[CHAINSAW BUZZING]
[CHAINSAWS BUZZING]
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER:
Smith and Fister are neck-and-neck
as they saw through their final cookie!
This is gonna be really close!
A tie! A tie!
Fister and Smith both qualify
for the world championship in Alaska!
Roger, your training worked!
Hit me again!
I wanna smoke Jeff in Alaska.
I'm happy to hit you, Stan,
but it's gonna be with the truth.
You'll never win in Alaska.
Of course I will. You saw me out there.
I did. But Alaska?
That's the championships.
They're gonna check to make
sure the wood isn't butter.
How can wood be butter?
I have been replacing all your wood
with a simulacrum made
of the product butter.
Butterwood. The trick wood
you've been chopping and sawing.
We've been cheating.
You're a terrible lumberjack!
[GROANS]
Aw. Don't be sad.
How 'bout a couple of quick
punches to cheer me up?
[FABRIC SWISHING]
Gah! [GROANS]
Coat's loud as hell, man.
My puffy patagonia?
Won't fit in my suitcase,
so I'm wearing it on the plane.
Why aren't you ready?
Oh, I'm not going to Alaska.
What? Why?!
I have to get my veneers replaced.
I know, I know.
Doesn't look like I have veneers
or would even be a
person who gets veneers.
But now you know my
very expensive secret.
[POP!]
[SQUISHING]
Roger, I need your help.
I can't beat Jeff without cheating!
I gotchya.
Hand me that turbo booster over there.
You're gonna turbo
boost Jeff's chainsaw.
This puppy will make his
saw too powerful to control.
Turbo boost him right
out of the championship.
Thank you so much.
Please, Stan, just leave.
My head, your voice.
[FABRIC SWISHING]
And your [BLEEP] jacket!
[ENGINE RUMBLING]
[PASSENGERS SNORING]
[POOF!]
Oh, mama. Look at that saw!
I gotta feel the heft of that baby.
Ohh. Just a little
tugaroo won't kill anyone.
[SOFTLY] Wait! It's been turbo-boosted!
You can't possibly control it!
[COCKY] I think I can control it.
No! You're not
a professional lumberjack!
- You're just a pilot!
- [GASPS]
Lumberjack superhero
Put that down!
You'll never be a lumberjack!
Now get inside and
study your pilot books!
I don't want your life!
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING] Screw you, Dad!
[MOTOR STARTS]
[PILOT SCREAMING]
[PLANE ENGINES WHINING]
[PILOT SCREAMS]
[YELLING]
TAMMY:
Get those people out of our garage, Bob!
What sort of limp-dick man
did I even marry, Bob?!
Tammy's really letting
Bob have it in there.
This is getting pretty real, Mom.
Maybe
Don't you say it, Steve!
Maybe this isn't a contest?
[SOBBING WILDLY]
Please just leave!
You people are ruining my marriage!
Steve.
STEVE: Aaaaaaaah!
[STEVE SOBBING]
Please forgive us, Bob!
[FRANCINE SOBBING]
[CHUCKLING] Bobby, baby, we did it!
We were in it together all along,
you fools!
We win the hardbody!
Honey, return that baby!
We're one-half owner
of an old orange truck!
KLAUS: Klaaaaaaus wiiiiins!
Klaus?
- [POP!]
- That's right.
It's me! Klaus!
The proud new owner of
a Klaus-orange hardbody.
And I'll be doing celebratory
burnouts in my new old truck
as soon as I find my
misplaced driving cane.
Oh, I know where that cane is.
Steve knows where it is!
[WIND WHISTLING]
[POOF!]
M-m-m-m-my p-p-p-puffy
p-pat patagonia jacket saved me!
Shh! You'll attract predators.
How did you survive with such a,
no offense, flat jacket?
I slowed my fall with this axe.
And that tree.
Whoa!
They're gonna be looking for us.
We need to build a signal tower. Here.
You're just whippin' axes
at me now, Jeff?
Is there anything you won't stoop to
to keep me from beating
you at the championships?
Stop it, Mr. S. There's not
gonna be a championship.
Every other lumberjack is dead.
Oh, my God.
Guaranteed silver.
Look, I know we're not a team anymore,
but we're gonna have to
work together to survive.
You start clearing
that tree for firewood.
I'm gonna find my chainsaw
and get goin' on a signal tower.
Wait, wait, wait! Don't start that saw!
[MOTOR STARTS]
[JEFF SCREAMING]
[CRACKLING]
Guess I'm not getting
my turbo booster back.
- [POP!]
- And there goes my goddamn toast.
What the hell was that?
Alright! Enough with the third degree!
I sabotaged your saw!
Why?
Because I'm a cheater.
A cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
And I admit you're a
better lumberjack than me.
I never cared about that.
I just wanted to show you
I was good at something
so you'd want to hang out with me.
Jeff, you are good at something.
You're an amazing lumberjack.
And if we make it out of here,
I promise I'm going to
tell that to the world.
Thanks.
But if you'll get out of my way,
I got a babe to get home to.
Now, when I die, I will have seen
The wonders of the sea
And I will have
climbed the mountains
In the western coun-ter-y
But most of all I won't forget
the wild and wondrous thing
The falling of the timber
when it's early in the spring
Way, hey, another brand-new day
Look at him go, puffy patagonia.
He might just save us yet.
Way, hey, another brand-new day
[MOTOR STARTS]
On the wild and windy
shores of old super-i-ay
Huh. Jeff Fischer. The Stoner.
-
-
Well, Pat, we both know
I can't let Jeff save us.
Whoa!
Is that a signal flare in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
Ha ha ha! Cut it out, Pat.
This is serious.
[MOTOR RUMBLING]
New plan, Jeff! No signal tower!
Oops. Too low.
[JEFF SCREAMS]
Catch him, Pat!
PILOT: There's the wreck.
NAVIGATOR:
Dibs on any unmelted credit cards.
Gold fillings for me again? Ohh.
Hand me my pliers, will ya?
So, after I got a fire blazing
to warm Jeff's weak body,
I built a signal tower.
Of course, of course. So heroic.
Then, just as I finished,
I saw Jeff messin' with a flare gun.
Kablooey. Flare went off
and Jeff burned down all my hard work.
Does this look about right?
Usually you can see the outline
of my manhood through my pants.
Mind e-mailing me a second draft?
- [GROANS]
- He's waking up.
Maybe I can get a statement.
Leave him alone, you vulture!
Is there nothing you
won't do for a headline?!
Jeff, you're okay! Thank God.
Listen. Hayley was right about you.
I was crazy to think you're worthless.
And from now on,
I want to hang out more.
Much more. Maybe even twice a year.
What do you say to that Son?
[SHAKILY] I say
[BLEEP] you, Mr. S.
Bye! Have a great time!
[ LOUD FIDDLE MUSIC PLAYS]
Stan, it's 5:00 a.m.
- [ MUSIC STOPS]
- On opening day of the state fair!
Just 25 measly miles
between me and those gates.
[ FIDDLE MUSIC RESUMES]
25 miles until I get to heeeaven
Ah! [GRUNTS]
25 miles until I reach the gaaates
[GAGGING]
[SQUEAKING]
25 miles until I get
to the state fair
Where me, ole Stanny-boy
Can plaaaaaay
[ MUSIC STOPS]
Gross. Dad, put a shirt on.
And [SCOFFS] what's with the denim?
This is my state fair outfit, ya doofus.
It's opening day.
The only day the lumberjacks
are there signing autographs.
And this year,
I'm getting my poster signed.
Huh. Weird.
That's how you're spending
your yearly bonding day
- with Jeff?
- Wait. What?
'Cause my wife wants her dad to see
I'm not worthless
Yes!
It's Stan and Jeff's
bondage daaaaaay!
No! That can't be today.
Hey, this guy's hot.
When I was little,
I used to play pretend lumberjack.
Play pretend?
Hayley, he's doing it again.
He's being an idiot.
Dad! He looked up that word
the last time you said it,
and he might still know what it means.
Look, I can't have this boy
with me around the L-Jacks.
He's embarrassing.
Well, that was our bet.
You said our marriage
wouldn't last a year.
It was a safe bet.
Half of marriages end in divorce.
Why can't yours?
So now you have to hang out
with Jeff one day a year.
Fine. Okay. But he's such an
ignoramus?
- Sure. Give it a spin.
- Ignoramus!
Ooh! Are we playing dinosaurs?!
- Sure.
- Rawr!
I'm the great and powerful Ignoranus!
Good morning, U.S.A.
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
- Good
- Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A.
The fair has many distractions,
but we're here for one
thing and one thing only.
The jackin' zone.
Oh, maaan! I crinkled it all up!
I'm a stupid idiot.
Tissue for your tears, sir?
Is this a paper towel?
[CHUCKLES] Well. I am a lumberjack.
Wow! That's quite a jaw you have.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Say, have you ever thought
about jackin', my friend?
R-r-r-really?! Like with a big old axe?
Totally! With an axe, a beard.
All the lumberjack things.
We compete in the Langley
woods off route 80.
We've even got an amateur division,
and there's an opening in doubles.
You could, uh,
join up with your son here.
This guy's not my son.
[CLICKING]
This is my son.
Whoa. Babe alert.
Thanks for pretending you're my mom
so I can get my ears pierced,
Mrs. Smith.
No problem.
I want my son's friends to look hot.
Snot, look!
It's one of those contests!
Whoever keeps their hand on
the truck longest wins it.
Wow. A truck would be a godsend.
My mom has had to pick up
a lot of farm work lately.
Winning this truck
could be the difference
between life and death for us.
And if we win it, we could park it
on Tuttle's front lawn for a joke!
[STEVE AND FRANCINE LAUGH]
- Oh! Let me in there!
- It's starting!
- Check it out!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
This kind of contest brings
out the worst in people.
Don't trust anybody.
They're just trying to get
your hand off the truck.
Got it.
Oh, to help us pass the time,
why don't you show us
your famous Sicilian
grandmother impression, Snot?
[ITALIAN ACCENT] Ah-ha!
Whenaya gonna get a-married-uh?
That kid took his hand off!
Steve! How could you?
Take a hike, rookie.
[METAL SCRAPING]
Hop in, Schmuley! We gotta get
this cow to Lancaster county!
[DOOR CREAKS, METAL SCRAPING]
STAN: Oh, Buckle would be
a great lumberjack partner.
- [BEEP, LINE RINGING]
- BUCKLE: Yello?
Buckle, my man! How'd you like
Ha! You've reached my machine!
- Leave a message!
- [ BEEP]
[CHUCKLES]
Nobody makes me laugh
harder than you, Buckle.
You're a real dick.
[BEEP]
Lewis, I'm looking
for a partner to jack with.
Oh, no, no, no. I-I mean lumber jack.
- [ CLICK]
- Hello?
Dick, what's up?
Hooper, my bud. Dooper.
Bullock, sir, I need your help.
Hello, Tuttle.
Ms. Peaches, you may not remember me,
but you taught me art
in elementary school.
Huh. Girl Smith?
Probably Hayley or Francine.
- Could be someone else.
- [BEEP]
Hey, Dad.
[SIGHS HEAVILY] Hey, Hayley.
Will you please be my
lumberjack partner?
Oh. This is the thing
Jeff was telling me about.
He said he really wanted
to do this with you.
Yeah, anybody but him.
Dad, just do it with him.
He might actually be helpful.
And if he's not, I will never
make you do bonding day again.
[BEEP]
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING] Damn it!
Hanging out with Jeff to never
hang out with Jeff again?
It's a gotdang Catch-Jeffy-2!
The world's so sucky!
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[BEEP]
I've considered your offer.
I think it's a fair deal.
You know I can hear you, right?
We share a wall.
Howdy, partner!
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
Wow. It's amazing how many
people got phone calls
and suddenly ran off for no reason.
Oh, there was a reason.
Ever heard of"arson"?
You had their homes burned down?
Well, I don't wanna brag.
Get off my truck! My wife's in labor!
- No late joiners.
- [BREATHING SHARPLY]
The contest already started, buddy.
And ended! That was this morning.
I didn't want a hot hardbody.
That's why I parked in the shade.
What do you think, mom?
She does look pregnant.
In labor, my ass!
Put your cervix on the glass!
[BREATHING SHARPLY]
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER:
Welcome, lumberjacks!
We have a very exciting
doubles heat for you today!
Next up on the standing block chop,
a team making their amateur debut
Stan Smith and Jeff Fister!
Fister. That's how I signed you up.
'Cause you're worthless,
just like a fist.
Ready positions!
[PISTOL FIRES]
[TWANG!]
Oww!
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: Look at him go!
Not since Woody Woodpecker himself
have I seen anybody chewin'
up wood like this!
Oh, my God.
This Fister guy is better than me.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
It's a record!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Wow! Fister! That was amazing!
Fister's not his name!
That was my hilarious joke!
Plus, I got that log started like 90%.
So, really, you guys
should be impressed by me.
And my Jack hands.
Fellow L-Jacks call 'em "Jack Hands,"
as my friends can attest, Jeff.
It's what happens when you
jack so hard and fast, Jeff.
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER:
As we reach the middle
of the lumberjacking season,
no team has been more fun to watch
than Smith and Fister.
Let's see them work their magic
in doubles speed-climbing.
[PISTOL FIRES]
Fister taking charge,
carrying Smith like a reverse kangaroo!
[BELL CLANGS]
I am Smith, vertical wood cheetah!
Oh, you looked so sexy
scaling that tree, babe.
Minus my dad humping your back.
Thanks, babe.
But you know what's really sexy?
Finally getting to have some
quality time with your dad.
What are you talking about?
He's using you to look good
in front of the lumberjacks,
and he's not giving you any credit.
Jeff, I'm taking the L-Jacks
back to my place
for some F-Jacks.
That's flapjack,
as any real jack-jock would already know
and not need explained, at the dear cost
of slowing down the
exit of the Jack Pack.
Peace out!
That's a real D-Bag move.
Maybe you should think about
ditching my dad and going solo.
I don't know, babe.
I'm so close to him
realizing I'm not worthless.
Of course you're not worthless.
You're my whole world.
Can you find your own ride home?
I'm getting trashed with Danuta
at the Pickle Palace tonight.
She's in a sexual relationship
with some of the bartenders there.
Peace out!
Wow. Danuta.
Good for her.
How many times must I tell you?
This is not a contest.
This is my life
Hey, is that breast milk?
Can I get a pull?
If you people get out of my garage,
you can have all the
breast milk you want!
Puh-lease. When I win this truck,
women will be chucking
breast milk at me.
- [CHEWING]
- STAN: Mm. Oh.
Now, me and Jeff
don't always eat Flappy-Js
another word for F-Jacks,
Jeff, try to keep up
with our shirts off,
but I just thought you guys
should see how much better
my body is than my partner's.
HAYLEY: [SLURRING] Your partner's?
[CRUNCHING]
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Shyeah right.
Jeff's the only one choppin' and sawin'.
He might as well be on his own.
Psh. Yeah, okay, whatever.
Can you guys believe this nonsense?
[CHEWING]
See? They all know it's true.
- Jeff's better off without you.
- That's ridiculous.
And there's no way to know
for sure who's better anyway.
So you'll just have to trust me
and the guys that I'm better.
There's a solo competition.
Bring it on.
I would "bring it on," obviously,
but it's probably not the season.
He's right. It's not the season.
Well, you lucked out this time, Jeff.
Your embarrassment
will just have to wait.
Season starts Tuesday.
[SOFT RUMBLING]
Roger, you gotta help me!
- Gooo awayyyy.
- Roger, please.
You gotta teach me everything
you know about solo jacking.
And to be clear, I mean
Singles competition timber sports.
What else could you mean? But why?
- Ugh. It's a whole thing with Jeff
- Say no more.
Well, I do want to give
a few more details.
Do you remember when we first met Jeff
and he was only wearing one flip-flop?
-
- So, not only was the watermelon seedless
Stop, stop, stop!
You wanna look good in front of
those gorgeous-ass lumberjacks.
Just give me a second.
Huge Jeanman-Jackman. Lumberjack coach.
Listen, I used to be the
greatest coach of Lumber Jerks
in the Pacific Northwest
'til I punched a student in the face.
And then I punched another.
Got a teensy drinking problem.
I've punched every single one of 'em.
Gaaah! I wanna sock your ugly mug
so bad, I can taste it!
But I respect boundaries.
I'm not your coach.
You're hired. Ugh! Unh!
Oops. I shouldn't have done
that before I did this.
[SLURRING] When my hair's a-danglin',
I've been a-drinkin'.
And now I can do this.
- Unh!
- And back to this!
And back and forth! Enh!
Unh! Unh!
Ad infinitum!
Unh! Unh! Unh!
[PUNCHES LANDING]
[PISTOL FIRES]
Whoo-ooh!
Hair's a-danglin'!
[GASPS]
[PISTOL FIRES]
[APPLAUSE]
Ugh! I instantly regret
throwing my pickle!
Ah, that's my cue.
Get your replacement pickles here!
Pickles for chuckin' and chewin'!
I oughta punch your pickle!
Ooh! Oh, no, you don't.
Hoppity-boppity-boppity-boppity-
boppity-boppity-boppity-boppity!
[CLICK]
[CHAINSAW BUZZING]
[CHAINSAWS BUZZING]
AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER:
Smith and Fister are neck-and-neck
as they saw through their final cookie!
This is gonna be really close!
A tie! A tie!
Fister and Smith both qualify
for the world championship in Alaska!
Roger, your training worked!
Hit me again!
I wanna smoke Jeff in Alaska.
I'm happy to hit you, Stan,
but it's gonna be with the truth.
You'll never win in Alaska.
Of course I will. You saw me out there.
I did. But Alaska?
That's the championships.
They're gonna check to make
sure the wood isn't butter.
How can wood be butter?
I have been replacing all your wood
with a simulacrum made
of the product butter.
Butterwood. The trick wood
you've been chopping and sawing.
We've been cheating.
You're a terrible lumberjack!
[GROANS]
Aw. Don't be sad.
How 'bout a couple of quick
punches to cheer me up?
[FABRIC SWISHING]
Gah! [GROANS]
Coat's loud as hell, man.
My puffy patagonia?
Won't fit in my suitcase,
so I'm wearing it on the plane.
Why aren't you ready?
Oh, I'm not going to Alaska.
What? Why?!
I have to get my veneers replaced.
I know, I know.
Doesn't look like I have veneers
or would even be a
person who gets veneers.
But now you know my
very expensive secret.
[POP!]
[SQUISHING]
Roger, I need your help.
I can't beat Jeff without cheating!
I gotchya.
Hand me that turbo booster over there.
You're gonna turbo
boost Jeff's chainsaw.
This puppy will make his
saw too powerful to control.
Turbo boost him right
out of the championship.
Thank you so much.
Please, Stan, just leave.
My head, your voice.
[FABRIC SWISHING]
And your [BLEEP] jacket!
[ENGINE RUMBLING]
[PASSENGERS SNORING]
[POOF!]
Oh, mama. Look at that saw!
I gotta feel the heft of that baby.
Ohh. Just a little
tugaroo won't kill anyone.
[SOFTLY] Wait! It's been turbo-boosted!
You can't possibly control it!
[COCKY] I think I can control it.
No! You're not
a professional lumberjack!
- You're just a pilot!
- [GASPS]
Lumberjack superhero
Put that down!
You'll never be a lumberjack!
Now get inside and
study your pilot books!
I don't want your life!
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING] Screw you, Dad!
[MOTOR STARTS]
[PILOT SCREAMING]
[PLANE ENGINES WHINING]
[PILOT SCREAMS]
[YELLING]
TAMMY:
Get those people out of our garage, Bob!
What sort of limp-dick man
did I even marry, Bob?!
Tammy's really letting
Bob have it in there.
This is getting pretty real, Mom.
Maybe
Don't you say it, Steve!
Maybe this isn't a contest?
[SOBBING WILDLY]
Please just leave!
You people are ruining my marriage!
Steve.
STEVE: Aaaaaaaah!
[STEVE SOBBING]
Please forgive us, Bob!
[FRANCINE SOBBING]
[CHUCKLING] Bobby, baby, we did it!
We were in it together all along,
you fools!
We win the hardbody!
Honey, return that baby!
We're one-half owner
of an old orange truck!
KLAUS: Klaaaaaaus wiiiiins!
Klaus?
- [POP!]
- That's right.
It's me! Klaus!
The proud new owner of
a Klaus-orange hardbody.
And I'll be doing celebratory
burnouts in my new old truck
as soon as I find my
misplaced driving cane.
Oh, I know where that cane is.
Steve knows where it is!
[WIND WHISTLING]
[POOF!]
M-m-m-m-my p-p-p-puffy
p-pat patagonia jacket saved me!
Shh! You'll attract predators.
How did you survive with such a,
no offense, flat jacket?
I slowed my fall with this axe.
And that tree.
Whoa!
They're gonna be looking for us.
We need to build a signal tower. Here.
You're just whippin' axes
at me now, Jeff?
Is there anything you won't stoop to
to keep me from beating
you at the championships?
Stop it, Mr. S. There's not
gonna be a championship.
Every other lumberjack is dead.
Oh, my God.
Guaranteed silver.
Look, I know we're not a team anymore,
but we're gonna have to
work together to survive.
You start clearing
that tree for firewood.
I'm gonna find my chainsaw
and get goin' on a signal tower.
Wait, wait, wait! Don't start that saw!
[MOTOR STARTS]
[JEFF SCREAMING]
[CRACKLING]
Guess I'm not getting
my turbo booster back.
- [POP!]
- And there goes my goddamn toast.
What the hell was that?
Alright! Enough with the third degree!
I sabotaged your saw!
Why?
Because I'm a cheater.
A cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
And I admit you're a
better lumberjack than me.
I never cared about that.
I just wanted to show you
I was good at something
so you'd want to hang out with me.
Jeff, you are good at something.
You're an amazing lumberjack.
And if we make it out of here,
I promise I'm going to
tell that to the world.
Thanks.
But if you'll get out of my way,
I got a babe to get home to.
Now, when I die, I will have seen
The wonders of the sea
And I will have
climbed the mountains
In the western coun-ter-y
But most of all I won't forget
the wild and wondrous thing
The falling of the timber
when it's early in the spring
Way, hey, another brand-new day
Look at him go, puffy patagonia.
He might just save us yet.
Way, hey, another brand-new day
[MOTOR STARTS]
On the wild and windy
shores of old super-i-ay
Huh. Jeff Fischer. The Stoner.
-
-
Well, Pat, we both know
I can't let Jeff save us.
Whoa!
Is that a signal flare in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
Ha ha ha! Cut it out, Pat.
This is serious.
[MOTOR RUMBLING]
New plan, Jeff! No signal tower!
Oops. Too low.
[JEFF SCREAMS]
Catch him, Pat!
PILOT: There's the wreck.
NAVIGATOR:
Dibs on any unmelted credit cards.
Gold fillings for me again? Ohh.
Hand me my pliers, will ya?
So, after I got a fire blazing
to warm Jeff's weak body,
I built a signal tower.
Of course, of course. So heroic.
Then, just as I finished,
I saw Jeff messin' with a flare gun.
Kablooey. Flare went off
and Jeff burned down all my hard work.
Does this look about right?
Usually you can see the outline
of my manhood through my pants.
Mind e-mailing me a second draft?
- [GROANS]
- He's waking up.
Maybe I can get a statement.
Leave him alone, you vulture!
Is there nothing you
won't do for a headline?!
Jeff, you're okay! Thank God.
Listen. Hayley was right about you.
I was crazy to think you're worthless.
And from now on,
I want to hang out more.
Much more. Maybe even twice a year.
What do you say to that Son?
[SHAKILY] I say
[BLEEP] you, Mr. S.
Bye! Have a great time!