American Dad s16e13 Episode Script

1
Can I pour you some more wine?
It comes from the
grape region of France.
I think you'll find it
pairs well with food.
Jeff, I've had cooked fish
in sauce before.
But this? This is special.
And served with rice!
Thanks. It's my mother's recipe.
She was from the old country Florida.
We thought it would be nice
to have you guys over
for a dinner party.
After all, you two have hosted
us for several thousand meals.
We were nothing like this
when we were first newlyweds.
It's true.
I had to reform your
mother's party girl ways.
That's not how it was.
Your father was hopeless when I met him.
The house had no furniture.
He used a sock for underwear.
And for a napkin, he used whichever sock
he wasn't using as underwear.
Well, I wasn't exactly hopeless
young C.I.A. agent in my prime?
I was a physical specimen.
Firm chest. Chestnut buttocks.
And my penis?
A muscled servant ready
to obey my every command.
Dad!
I'm sorry, Hayley, but these are facts.
Francine was lucky she
locked me down when she did.
That's not what you said at the time.
Remember the night of the
placemats conversation?
Of course. That was the
night I won the big argument.
I won the argument, Stan.
The sweet man I married
admitted I was right.
We should have placemats.
Please. I remember exactly
how it happened.
- We were in the living room.
- Show me.
Show me exactly.
Maybe that'll jog your thick memory.
Was it my food?
Did you have to serve your
mom's Florida Cursed Fish
with Argument Sauce?
Good morning, USA
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
Good morning, USA
Aah!
Good morning, USA
This was you
"I'm lucky to have a guy like you, Stan.
Thanks for putting up with me
even when I'm being ridiculous!"
No. No! It was more like,
"Francine, I've got a lot to learn,
"but you're the best thing in my life,
and I just want to make you happy."
That does not sound like me.
I remember it exactly.
You were standing right over there.
You know what?
There's a simple way to settle this.
Time travel.
Oh, I wish I had
a time machine right now,
so I could fast-forward to
when we get to the C.I.A.'s
time machine, and I'm proven right.
Francine, it's like a nine-second drive.
Can't believe Hayley and Jeff
are having a dinner party
the same night as mine.
You could've invited them anyway.
No, they bring nothing
to the conversation.
They're zeroes.
Is anyone else even
coming to this party?
Of course!
Jurgen, Danuta, my various boys.
Roger even RSVP'd "maybe."
- Where is everybody?
- They're coming!
They're just running late.
Traffic is solid orange.
Well, I'm starving.
I'm digging into whatever
these fried balls are.
Ugh. Klaus, what is in this?
Skittles.
Blue package.
Do you always park here?
Yeah. I did it once,
and it just kind of became my thing.
I got the machine.
You know, it's interesting.
We've had the tech for years,
but Bullock insisted we keep refining it
till it was small enough to
fit in a chimpanzee's asshole.
- Why?
- That's how big he wants everything.
- So, where's the machine?
- It's in my butt.
Does it have to be there to work?
Hmm.
I guess not?
Did you?
Yeah, yeah. I washed it. Yeah.
So, the argument happened the night
when Rachel on "Friends" turned 30.
At least we can agree on that.
Thursday nights back then,
we'd go over to Tuttle's.
He's our oldest friend.
We'd watch "Friends," "Inside Schwartz,"
then we'd change the channel
to watch "Temptation Island"
until Tuttle would say he was too horny,
and the show was making
him uncomfortable.
Then, we'd change the channel to "ER,"
calm him down, and go home.
Now, if we're traveling in time,
we can't let our younger selves see us.
We could really mess
up the time stream
create alternate futures,
that kind of thing.
The president is a dinosaur,
there's no Sinbad.
In that case, I would hope
President Brontosaurus
would appoint a new Sinbad.
So, we go upstairs,
beam to that very night,
right after "ER" ends,
wait for our young selves to come in,
watch the argument,
figure out who's right,
and then jump back to the
future for the apologies
and the apology cake.
Apology cake?
Oh, you'll be baking one.
The cake can be any flavor.
The point's more the humiliation.
Oh, you're gonna be
the one humiliated, Stan.
Fire that thing up, and let's go.
Wow. Remember this?
That poster was so cool.
Never saw the film.
Shh! I hear ourselves.
Should we find a better place to hide?
There's no time.
Wow. I just love that show.
Imagine having five friends!
You have friends, Stan!
I have three
Dick and Sanders. Tuttle.
And, well, I also have my best friend
you, Francine.
You know, I noticed Tuttle's placemats.
I used to think they
were just for show-offs.
Now, I see they're an important
part of crumb management.
You were right, Francine.
We should buy some placemats.
Aww, Stan.
I already did.
Hey, roomies! What are you spying on?
Ahhhhhh!
Oh, right.
Our roommate, Radika.
She was always doing laundry
at the most inconvenient times.
Ugh. Could this be any worse?
Let's all put our guns away.
We're you from the future.
We traveled in time,
and did everything perfectly.
Except we forgot about Radika,
the tenant who used to rent
what's now Steve and Hayley's rooms.
Who are Steve and Hayley?
Who's this old lady?
Please, honey.
We look basically exactly the same.
Also, that hair doesn't work for
you the way you think it does.
Shoot 'em, Stan! Shoot 'em!
Hang on. Hang on.
Nobody needs to shoot anybody.
We time traveled here from the future,
using C.I.A. technology,
to settle an argument.
Francine, I'd die to protect you,
but this guy's story checks out.
Radika, all this is kind of
an American thing you
wouldn't understand.
I'm from Ohio!
Do I need to kill Radika?
No, no. It's okay.
Radika, does this honestly
seem like something
you want to be involved with?
Bye, Radika!
You know,
I always had a little thing for Radika.
So, you two came back in
time to settle an argument?
And great news, I
and therefore you were right!
Of course we were.
We're friggin' Francine.
Maybe you were right on
the details and the facts,
but bigger picture,
I couldn't be more right.
Look at this fine chunk of manflesh.
You were lucky to lock this down,
Francine.
Uh, 'scuse me?
This ain't exactly nothin'!
Yeah, show her, Francine!
Stan, look at that
fine ass and apologize.
You want me to look at it?
At least enough to be polite.
As long as you guys are here,
shall we rip a pitcher
of Franny's Crazy 'Ritas?
They're called "crazy"
'cause I put so much
alcohol and pills in 'em.
Girl, I was you, I remember you,
and I love you.
Gah, feel how firm this couch is!
You need to savor this.
Over the years,
it gets kind of old and worked in.
A lot of things get kind
of old and worked in.
Excuse me?
You know what, Stan?
As long as I'm back here,
I'm gonna go to Buckaroo's
Pizza one last time.
Appreciate that place.
It's about to close.
Oh, no! What happens to Martino?
[Bleep] if I know.
When I get back, Stan,
I hope you're ready to apologize.
Me, too.
Dude, you're not gonna
accompany your lady?
Nah. I'm gonna sit here and enjoy
the former firmness of the couch,
then maybe play some
Jurassic Park pinball.
Great game. Never saw the movie.
Roger, Klaus is losing it.
No one's coming to his party.
I'm paralyzed!
Because he's Klaus,
I know no one else will show up.
So that means I don't
have to come in a persona.
I can come as myself.
But who is that, Steve?
What does that mean?
I don't know how Roger dresses.
I don't know how Roger acts.
I I don't know Roger!
Roger. Roger.
We can do this.
Because you know who this is?
This vulnerable guy I'm talking to?
That's Roger.
Roger's bald?
So, I don't know if you're allowed,
but can you tell me
anything about the future?
Oh, you've got lots of
stuff to look forward to.
We go to Korea to investigate rumors
of a reinvented Noah's Ark.
You bring James Garfield back to life.
You become a horse briefly.
There's a salt mine in our backyard.
Do Do we have any kids?
Oh, yeah!
We also have a talking fish named Klaus,
and an alien named Roger lives with us.
There's a koala named
Reginald for a while.
Forget what happens to him.
And then, there's Rogu,
who kind of came off of Roger.
So, Rogu is Roger's baby?
Not in the traditional sense,
but he does breastfeed him.
So, I gotta say,
I'm kind of liking the sloppy,
older thing you got going on, Old Stan.
- Oh, yeah?
- There's no term for this,
but I've always been
into the bods of dads.
- "Dad bod."
- Oh, my God, that's so funny.
You're so funny.
You are a dad, aren't you?
Did you knock me up, Stan?
I sure did.
We have a daughter, Hayley, and
Don't tell me their names.
I don't wanna hear the names.
Just tell me you
knocked me up real good.
Maybe you shouldn't get so close.
Old Francine's already pretty mad at me.
She'll be even madder if she heard me
call her "Old Francine."
That better be our little secret, then.
Maybe we should have other secrets.
We could even get Radika in the mix
fully clothed and completely
off-limits to you, of course,
but she'd be in the mix.
Francine, I know all I ever talk about
is how I'm gonna kill Osama bin Laden,
but I'm also full of a lot of love.
And just as much as I want to kill him,
I love you.
Whatever I did that you're
mad at me about in the future,
I apologize.
You were right, and I'm sorry.
You're gonna have a great life.
Enjoy every second of it.
Is that Radika?
Get in here, girl!
What the? I should've known!
You!
How could I not see that coming?
You pulled a classic
separation move on me!
I taught us that
to use against others!
We never made that deal!
Share your man!
Are Are you mad about this, me?
Not really.
I mean, if you're me,
then I'm about to have
sex for the eighth time!
That's a healthy attitude.
Wanna come over here and give
me a double extra good-time,
Stanning?
See if you can make your
wangs meet in the middle.
Staniel, may I see you in the kitchen?
- Which one of
- You!
I can't believe you.
Cheating on me the first
second you get a chance?
Yeah, but cheating on you with you.
That's romantic.
I have an idea.
What if both Francines cool
off with a hot steamy shower
You know what?
If you love the past so much,
you can stay here until
you've learned your lesson.
Why don't you keep him if you
want him so much, young me?
I'm going back to the present.
Wait, Francine.
You can't leave two Stans
here in one timeline.
What if we kiss, and can't stop kissing?
Fine. I'm taking the Stan I like better.
Goodbye, Stan.
Okay. Alright. No problem.
I still have you in your prime.
Now, where were we?
Actually, some of the stuff
old me was saying
sounded kind of bad.
Don't listen to her. She's crazy.
- She's me!
- I-I meant crazy in a cool way.
"Cool Runnings." Is that from now?
I'd be pretty mad if you
slept with 20-years-ago me.
- She'd be 8.
- Exactly, you perv!
I'm gonna crash at Trish's
until I find my own place.
Good luck, Stan.
Santa? Oh.
Mr. and Mrs. S.
You decided to return for hookah, figs,
and apricot brandy.
Hayley, your father and I
went back in time
to settle our argument,
but then, your dad acted like a jackass,
so I left him back there,
and gave myself an upgrade.
Meet your new dad, Young Dad.
- Whoa.
- Hi.
You're my daughter?
You messed with the time stream?
I feel myself fading away!
Jeff, that doesn't make sense.
Dad's not your dad.
But how come I still exist?
You're already conceived,
somewhere back there.
In that case, I'm good.
Nice to meet you, Young Dad.
What's your favorite band?
Tie Evanescence and Wheatus.
We're gonna be alright.
Now, because we did mess up time,
I'm not sure if Steve
will still be here,
which means you'll have to be the one
who remembers the wi-fi password.
Steve!
This is a young version of your dad.
He'll be your new father.
Wait. Does this mean I won't exist?
Either we'll eventually conceive you,
or you'll start to fade away
into non-existence as time changes.
Well, at least that would get
me out of Klaus' dinner party.
- Who's Klaus again?
- Don't worry about Klaus.
Klaus is nobody.
Well, Young Dad,
allow me to introduce you to Roger.
Hi. I'm Roger.
Stan, you're gonna meet me in Utah
about 12 years ago,
my past, your future.
We made a beautiful sound together.
Was that a space alien?
Who could that be?
Oh, hey, Radika.
Sorry it's a little messy in here.
I'm just going hog on
the bachelor lifestyle.
So, it's looking like
Francine's not coming back, huh?
What's it been, like, two months?
Two months, six days.
Yeah, don't think she's coming.
But it's cool. I'm enjoying all this.
Plus, I'm about to win big gambling.
I know the Cincinnati Bagels
win the Super Bowl one of these years.
- The Bengals?
- Yeah, maybe.
Well, I'm sure you'll find someone else.
You're a catch, Stan.
Thanks. But it's just so hard
to meet new people, Radika.
Pssh, you're telling me.
Flips it downfield!
Knocked away!
Somewhere inside me,
I think I always knew this was right.
Me too, Stan.
There's so much I love about you.
And the things I don't
love I know I can fix.
Because you don't need placemats!
Why would we have
something we don't need?
Why did I think this was a good idea?
My mother warned me.
Why did I marry an old C.I.A. agent
who spent all of our savings
betting on the Cincinnati Bengals
to win the Super Bowl?!
They win one of these years, I swear!
I remember tears of joy
on Carson Palmer's face!
He was kissing his little boy.
This isn't working out, Stan.
- Fine.
- Fine!
Maybe I messed up when I lost Francine.
Maybe she was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
No, no, no. I'm fine.
I'm still a cool single guy!
You know, I always regretted
never doing a year as a ski bum.
Maybe I'll try that.
So, are you interested in
buying this one, or?
Nah. Motorcycles aren't for me.
Way too dangerous.
Cool. You're all set.
Have a great day on the mountain.
Gustin. Marlowe.
Gustin! I didn't buy you two
$400 Helly Hanson jackets
so you could just sit in the lodge.
- Let's move.
- Roger?
Hmm? You're confused.
I'm Doctor Steele Birchington,
Houston cardiac surgeon.
I've put in over 600 stents.
Gustin! Gustin, stay in line.
No, Roger, it's me, Stan.
You don't know me yet,
or maybe we never met, but
God, it's so good to see a friend!
What're you talking about?
You know what?
What'd you say your name is?
Stan? I'm ready for a change.
What's your thing, old man?
You're too old to be a ski bum.
Yeah, I was thinking about
starting a coffee shop.
Maybe learn guitar.
I'm in. Goodbye, kids.
Tell your mother I was
sleeping with Paolo
from photography class.
Gonna take some time
to do the things
We never haa-aa-aad!
Stan, we're locking in on a sound, here.
We could be a credible Toto cover band.
No.
No. This isn't right.
We're sounding better than ever,
but nothing feels right.
I blew it when I lost Francine.
What're you talking about?
You've got Amanda now.
It's not the same.
I've been going through life
with nothing to keep
me company but regret.
Uh, okay.
Is there any way to fix my life?
And so, I waited until now, Francine.
Life was so dreary without you.
Sure, I got to witness the 2008 Olympic
opening ceremonies again.
Incredible, Francine, the precision.
But it wasn't worth it.
Life without you was hollow.
I had years to think on it.
I realized that, maybe,
just maybe, if I could wait
until tonight
the very night when we went back in time
because of my stupid pride
maybe there'd be a chance
to salvage some of my life.
So, you relived the last 20 years?
Not quite. Young Francine left me.
She married Principal Lewis.
Ooh, nice.
And she had this great
group of girlfriends, too.
If one of them needed something,
the other ones were, like, always there.
They were, like, closer than sisters.
There was some drama when Lillian was
getting married again, and it was like,
"Does she deserve a
second bachelorette"
No!
What's happening?
I heard something,
so I started shooting.
That's you!
This beautiful, special woman
is yours now, young Stan.
Don't make the mistake I did.
Don't live your life full of regret.
Oh, Stan!
No. No. This isn't right.
We can't let this happen
to this pathetic old man.
Where are we going?
Back in time.
Guests!
People came!
And look at you, Roger.
What outrageous persona
are you presenting?
Klaus, I'd like you to meet Roger.
Hi. I'm Roger.
I like baseball and musicals.
Nice to meet you, Roger.
I'm so sorry we're late, Klaus.
Traffic was solid orange.
I can't believe this.
People came!
Everyone, I'd like to introduce
you to someone. This is
Demetrius Fitzpatio,
chiropractor to the stars!
Who am I?
Oh, I wish I had
a time machine right now,
so I could fast-forward to
when we get to the C.I.A.'s
time machine, and I'm proven right.
Francine, it's like a nine-second drive.
- Ahhh!
- Looking for this?
Don't do it, Stan.
Let go of your pride.
It's not worth losing Francine over.
Don't worry, sweetie. I'm you.
We're doing great.
You win the argument.
Appreciate what you have, Stan.
Do you know what that was about?
No. But you know what?
Maybe we don't go back in time.
I'm sure you were right.
Whatever happened in the past,
it brought us here.
That's right.
And it's pretty nice, isn't it?
It's beautiful.
Did you know Klaus was also
having a dinner party tonight?
Mother[bleep] didn't invite us!
We could go back and ruin it.
Beats Jeff's figs.
That's not dessert.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!