Bob's Burgers s16e13 Episode Script

1
You know, I bet if coffee
came in different colors,
more kids would drink it.
That's why I drink rose.
Oh hey, Nat!
Linda! Robert!
- Children, Theodore.
- Hey Nat!
Nat! Light of my life! Come! Sit!
Tell us of the world.
Yeah, grab a stool, fool. Sorry.
I'd actually love to sit and chat
while I eat one of
your fine cheeseburgers.
I have a little time to kill
before I meet with my next client.
Dad. You heard the lady.
Go make the burger.
Sorry about him. He's new.
I I'm not. I
I've been here a while.
Are you driving anyone
interesting in the limo today?
Is it a girl who just
found out she's a princess
and now her world is
gonna turn upside-down?
- Oh.
- No, that's tomorrow.
Today I'm working with one of
my Calm in 60 Seconds students.
- Your what?
- Calm in 60 Seconds.
It's a business I started to
help people with road rage.
Especially folks who need
court-mandated rage restructuring.
Wow. You teach people not to road rage?
But without road rage, there
would be no Mad Max Fury Road.
You haven't seen that though, right?
Just the trailer. And all the
scenes that are in the trailer.
And the rest. And the prequel.
Why? Have you?
Yeah, they were really good.
How did you get into the
road rage racket, Nat.
Well, this may shock you,
but I am a former road rager.
Yep, I had a case of
the double R's and bad.
You see, when I first
started driving a limo
I worked for a guy named Ronnie Glow
Glow on.
This was at the height
of the stretch limo biz.
If you weren't riding around in a
car that was at least 30 feet long,
you were nothing to nobody.
And Ronnie Glow was the
biggest game in town.
But working under him,
it wasn't easy.
He made us drive 70, 80 hours a week,
and if you asked for any time off,
he'd say, "If you don't
want to glow, you gotta go."
And then he'd make you
repeat back, "I want to glow."
Dad makes us say, "If you
don't want to Bob, get another job.
I don't say that, but I should.
I felt so much anger towards
Ronathon, Glow all the time.
But I held it in until I drove home
and then, oh boy,
I'd really let it out.
Honking.
- Yelling.
- Move it or lose it.
And worst of all, the throwing.
Whatever food I had in my car.
Hot dogs. Taquitos.
Croissants. Sandwiches.
I kept it bottled up when I
was in the limo with clients.
But then one day, an incident occurred.
Oh my God! Sorry, I just
love hearing about incidents.
It was the day before
Easter, which, turns out,
was the day of the Easter parade.
I had a wedding party in the limo and
we were running just a
smidge behind schedule.
I pull up to an intersection
and this guy driving
an Easter bunny float
rolls through the stop sign
and I get stuck right behind him
and he's going so slow.
And now I'm afraid I'm gonna
be late for this wedding.
And there are three things
you should know about me.
I sunburn easy. I have a hell of a
time getting out of a beanbag chair.
And I am never late.
The rage, she took me.
And that's when I reached for
my tomato basil soup.
I had a big old 20 ounce Tupperware
and I launched it right
at that poor bunny.
Almost lost my limo license.
That was rock bottom.
I spent three months on a
woodworking commune in Pennsylvania,
just trying to clear my head,
making rocking chairs
and wooden knick-knacks.
Whittling. Releasing. Healing.
I'm sorry.
I realize road raging
is like trying to muscle
your way through hardwood.
You'll cut your finger
and you'll chip your blade.
The trick, it turns out,
is to go with the grain.
You gotta muscle the wood
when you turn the trick.
- Got it.
- Gene.
So with that newfound wisdom, I swore
I would do my best to help others.
But also charge them.
'Cause I need money.
Hey, that's why I
charge people too! Money.
Uh, so you help people
get over road rage?
That's interesting.
- Isn't that interesting, Linda?
- I guess.
Yeah, I agree, Mom.
- That is interesting.
- Mm-hmm.
What the hell is everyone
looking at me for?
Because you have road rage.
I do not have road rage that much.
Yeah. Only on roads.
And in parking lots
and on the bumper cars.
And when we listen to that
song Life is a Highway.
Well, that song is stressful!
But, come on, people, I'm fine.
Okay, I guess all of our
eyes and ears are wrong.
Look, I can only give help to
those who are ready to receive it.
If that's ever you, Linda,
you know where to find me.
Wait, Nat! I'm making
you a burger, right?
Oh yeah, that just felt
like a cool moment to go.
It was. It was.
Everyone hurry!
I want my butt in the seat
before the movie starts. Capiche?
I piche. But I can't find my glasses.
It's so hard to find my
glasses without my glasses.
Oh my God, Bob. You done pooping yet?
No, I'm not happy about it either.
I'm ready when you are.
Gene. You need pants.
Okay, boomer.
Mother, I'm ready and
probably your favorite.
Whoa! What's this
mattress doing out here?
It's Gene's. He spilled
melted butter all over.
I needed something to
dip my bedtime artichokes in.
So we're airing it out.
Since it's here, I should probably
ride it down the stairs, right?
No, no. We're leaving.
Also, that's how someone breaks an arm.
We're too poor for that.
I changed into my bathing suit.
So if the movie theater has a
hot tub, I will be ready to roll.
Great. Bob!
Almost done. Sort of.
Just find a stopping place Dad.
It doesn't have to be perfect.
Whoa!
Damn it. Stupid light.
Linda, are you sure you
don't want me to drive?
No offense, Bob but if you drive,
we won't get there until it's over.
You drive like a nerd.
Ugh. Why does no one know how to drive?
Move it, Parker slow-sy!
I don't think you're
supposed to be over here,
this lane is for parking
It's fine. It's fine.
Look, that guy up ahead
of us is doing it too.
We're gonna make it, people!
- Mom!
- Linda!
Oh God. Uh, hi.
Sorry. Sorry.
Is she flipping me off?
- Uh, yep.
- Sassy.
Go for Kinkle.
Nat, it's Linda.
Linda. I know why you're calling.
- You do?
- Yep.
How many bottles of my signature
barbecue sauce should
I put you down for?
Oh, uh N No,
I was calling about my road rage.
Oh. Well, I can help you with that too.
I do have a barbecue
sauce road rage package
I could also offer you.
- Uh
- Just the road rage? Okay.
Welcome to Calm in 60 Seconds,
an anti-road rage
program that will have you
driving and smiling in only
five 90-minute sessions.
Now, I know that's a lot longer than
60 seconds but let's be realistic.
- Right. Right.
- What is road rage
and what are the risks?
Well, there are physical effects
in and upon the rager's body.
High blood pressure. Heart disease.
Digestive issues-I'm
talking road rage diarrhea.
- Ragarrhea.
- Oh.
And of course, death.
Which is also pretty bad.
Another risk, going to jail.
You ever have a birthday
party in jail? It sucks.
They sing you the happy birthday song,
but they add the words "in
jail" to the end of every line,
like Happy birthday in jail ♪
- Oh gosh!
- Yeah.
Okay! What causes the rage in road rage?
Let's pop open the proverbial
hood and take a look inside.
For me, it was a bad boss
that took away my dignity
with every single gosh
damned interaction.
What causes your rage, Linda?
Let's see
- people that drive too slow
- Mm.
- People cut me off.
- Okay.
People that drive
with the dog on the lap
and the dog looks at me
like he's better than me
- 'cause he's in the driver's seat.
- Okay.
- PT Cruisers!
- Yes.
But let's go deeper.
Where is the anger coming
from in your non-car life.
Huh, I don't know.
I mean, I love my family,
I love the restaurant,
I just got new socks. Things are good.
Okay, well, how about this
Do you remember your first
experience with road rage?
Oh, uh, huh
I guess it was with my mom?
Hm, tell me more.
Sometimes when she drove,
she would yell, all the time.
She would yell all the time,
now that I think about it.
She yelled at a pigeon
eating a hot dog bun once.
- He wasn't even driving.
- Mm, interesting.
- Now we're getting somewhere.
- Great.
- Am I cured?
- No, Linda. No, you're not.
- Oh.
- But you are ready
- for burp.
- Burp?
It's my method for overcoming road rage.
B! Breathe.
Then another B!
Become the other driver.
Try to step into their shoes.
U! Unplug.
Unplug from your rage, imagine
yourself somewhere calm.
For me, it's in the hammock
with a little bit of whittling
and just a ton of lizards.
R! Release.
Release that rage.
And then P! Play.
Ground yourself in the spirit of play.
That could be anything, singing
a song, thinking of a joke.
For me, I like to pretend
my mouth is a trumpet
and I'm doing a little jazz solo.
Like this.
Wow. That's pretty.
Okay then let's hop in your car and
turn the page on that
rage, Linda B-word!
So, Linda's at road rage school, huh?
You know what keeps me
from having road rage?
I just picture all the
other cars naked, you know?
- What do you mean, naked?
- Like nude.
- Do I have to spell it out for you?
- Yeah. Yes.
Oh my God. Just picture a
car, then picture it naked.
Car butts. Car boobs. Car wieners.
- Car wieners?
- Sorry, car penises.
What was that sound.
Sounded like it came from the apartment.
The kids said they had homework
they really wanted to finish
which, now that I think about it,
should have been a huge red flag.
Okay, will you watch the
restaurant for a minute, Teddy?
Uh, what if someone
comes in what do I say?
Do I have to say, Burgers for sale?
- No, you don't.
- Somethin' like that?
Just I'll be right back.
Okay. If you love me,
push me down the stairs!
You can't yell at me if I'm sleeping.
Gene. Kids, come on.
Mom told you she didn't want you
riding down the stairs on the mattress.
Are you sure she didn't say
"I'd love it if you rode down
the stairs on the mattress."
I can hear her saying that.
No Let's just stop
before anybody gets hurt.
More than I just got hurt.
Dad. I feel like maybe you're not
taking into account
how much fun this is.
Yeah, I finally get having stairs.
Before, It just wasn't clicking for me.
Okay, great. Well, it's
time to go back to work.
Dad, listen, just try it once.
And if you don't love it, then
we'll stop and come back to work.
But we'll be good at work this time.
Guys, I'm not sliding down
the stairs on Gene's mattress.
Uh-oh!
- Again!
- Yay.
Okay, Linda. I'm going
to deliberately place you
in one of the most maddening
driving environments in the world.
Oh God, the airport?
Yep, the belly of the beast.
Your directive is to get into
the far right lane as soon as possible.
Okay. Well, I'm not
actually flying anywhere
so I think I should be
able to stay calm and
oh my God, what is this guy doing?
Use the steps, Linda.
- Burp. First step, breathe.
- Okay.
Oh, look at this guy.
Oh, sure, sure.
Second B become the other
driver. Put yourself in their shoes.
Maybe there's a reason
they're kind of half in
and half out of our lane like that.
Because they're dumb?
Well, what's the answer? You are them.
- I'm dumb.
- Okay. Or maybe you're a little tired.
Maybe you were up all
night baking pastries
- for a bake sale to help end poverty.
- Aw.
- Son of a bitch.
- Okay.
U! Unplug! Where's your calm place?
- Uh The mall?
- Maybe calmer.
The bathroom at the mall? It's nice.
I'll have to check that
out. Let's go with that.
Now, R! Release the rage There it goes.
Bye bye! Out the window.
Picture it floating away.
But don't close your eyes, Linda.
Oh. Right. Sorry.
Come on, someone let me in!
Now go to P. Play.
Feel free to use the
mouth trumpet if you want.
Uhhh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's more of a trombone.
Have you never heard live music?
You know what? If it works
for you, that's what matters.
Argh! Honk me. Honk you!
Sorry.
That's okay. It's
okay. It's all right.
This is just day one
of a five day journey.
I know you'll get better.
- Linda, please stop honking.
- Right, right.
Ragey driving ♪
Mattress riding ♪
Ragey driving ♪
Watch where you're going?
Mattress riding ♪
Ragey driving ♪
Ugh!
Well, I'm off to my
last session with Nat.
Wish me luck, I guess.
Oh do you think it's not working?
Because you sound like
you think it's not working.
I mean, it's going great except for how
mad I still am at the cars all the time.
It might be genetic.
My mom was a honker,
and now I'm a honker.
She passed her honkers on to you.
I mean, sounds to me like you
need more sessions with Nat.
Maybe lots more.
Preferably after school,
but before dinner.
No reason we don't do
anything when you're gone.
- What?
- Nothing.
Bob, Why did you say nothing?
Because they did.
I don't know. What do you mean?
I don't I didn't I don't know
what our kids are talking about.
They're so weird, right?
Anyway, bye. I mean, Go get 'em, Lin.
You can do this.
So get out of here.
To do To do it.
You know what?
Maybe you're right. I can stop raging.
I can do anything as long
as I believe in myself.
What the hell are you doing?
Linda, please pull over.
I'm sorry, Nat, but you saw
- that guy almost
clipped me. - Hmm-hmm.
And then the guy in the bike,
a bike is not a car, Nat.
A bike is not a car. You
are right about that, Linda.
And that chicken truck.
Since when does our
town have chicken truck?
I swear, those chickens
were laughing at me.
Linda, I've never had
to say this to a client.
But I don't think I can help you.
- No, Nat! No!
- I'm sorry, Linda.
Now let's switch places.
And I'll drive you
safely home and do my best
to hide my disappointment.
So disappointed.
Whoa!
Okay, that car just totally cut me off.
I'm gonna remain calm and
Oh my Guadalajara!
That's. That's Ronnie Glow!
What the Really?
That's him, Linda. I'd
know that car anywhere.
He called it, the Glowsmobile.
It's okay. It's okay.
I gotta do the steps. Breathe.
Become. Become Ronny Glow!
So I'm a terrible monster
who should be destroyed!
- Aah!
- Aah! Nat?
Tighten your seatbelt, Linda.
It's about to glow down!
I don't know how to tighten my seatbelt.
Oh God!
I got you now, you tan little man.
Nat, I thought you were zen. I
thought you conquered your age.
It was always simmering
just below the surface.
Our rage is who we are!
Right. But, uh
I'm coming for you, Ronnie.
Like a gnat out of hell.
Uh What if
What if Ronnie Glow's been
baking pastries for poverty?
There is no poverty.
- I made that up.
- What?
You got any food in here I can throw?
Nat, eyes on the road!
Oh, wow! There's lots of food back here.
You really don't care
about this car, huh?
Half-eaten granola bar!
Crunch on this, you bastard!
- What a rush!
- Oh God!
- Apple core.
- Someone in my family ate an apple?
Whoo!
I'm glad I didn't cure you, Linda.
I think you cured me. I'm back, baby!
- No Nat, no!
- Yes, Linda, yes!
Hold on tight.
We're going to Tokyo Drift!
No kids again, huh?
Yeah, they're up in the apartment.
They love homework now.
- Huh?
- Yep, they're
they're getting really smart.
- Bob's Burgers.
- Dad, you've got to get up here.
We're taking it to the next level.
Hmm. What's the next level?
Stop asking questions and move your ass!
Oh, and you gotta come
through the fire escape.
Front door is not an option.
Okay, I'm nervous, but I'm really
excited. I'll be right there.
Teddy, watch the restaurant.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
You hear that? I'm in charge.
He picked me, not you.
I'm his best friend.
But I don't think it was biased.
I think he just picked me because I'm
the right guy for the job, you know.
And I've done it before.
He asked me before, so.
Okay, fine. You can be my assistant.
Oh, my God.
I told you. It's the next level.
Drink it in bruh!
You ready to fly like a
cheetah? On a mattress?
- Please don't call me bruh!
- You got it, bruh.
Okay, wait. Maybe I like it.
But guys, this seems so, so dangerous.
What's your point, bruh?
It feels I'm gonna say wrong of
me to support this as your parent.
Oh.
But what if we put another
mattress against the door down there
and then I'm a great parent?
- Yes Dad!
- Yaayy!
And then let's all ride
together for maximum velocity.
There he is.
And also we gotta clean all this
up before your mom gets back.
If we live, you've got
yourself a deal, bruh!
Oh God!
Oh oh! Bob! Bob!
I gotta go over there.
You're in charge now.
Watch the restaurant.
If anyone comes in, you just say
"Burgers for sale" like we practiced.
If you don't want to glow, you gotta go
if you don't wanna glow
Okay, so the quiet
seething and the muttering
and the following is a little more scary
than the yelling and the throwing was.
- Uh huh.
- What are we
What are we gonna do
when you catch up to him?
We'll see now, won't we?
Whoa!
He's heading for the ferry.
Oh well, I guess that's it then.
Because we're not getting
on the ferry, right?
Oh, we're getting on the ferry.
Yes we are. You're mine now, Ronnie.
Oh God! Oh, boy!
Whoa, Nat!
That is very close.
You like that, Ronnie? You like that?
Oh my God, Nat, what are you doing?
You're pushing his car!
Nat, you're pushing his car! You
gonna push him right over the edge.
Yep, he's going inland.
Ronnie Glow is about
to become Billy Ocean.
Oh God, this isn't good.
Oh, Nat you gotta try your steps again.
You gotta do your burps.
- Uh, Breathe.
- No.
- Uh, Become.
- Uh-uh.
- Unplug?
- Hell, no.
Do your trumpet. Here, I'll start.
No, Linda, no!
I'm gonna push Ronnie over the
edge just like he did to me.
Oh no, you're gonna kill
the guy. We're killing a guy.
It's me, Ronnie. Nat Kinkle.
Nat, don't do it.
Oh, I'm doing it.
This is raw. This is real.
It's in me and it's in
you and it was in your mom.
She was right all
along about everything.
May she rest in peace.
She's not dead.
And I definitely wouldn't say my
mother's right about everything.
She was just so angry!
In and out of the car!
And I think that's because
she was a very unhappy person!
But maybe
we shouldn't talk about this
while you're pushing
someone into the ocean.
No, it's fine. I can multitask.
I'm barely listening to you.
Nat, stop!
Before, when you asked
me what I was mad at,
I guess I'm mad at my mom
for being mad at her life.
'Cause that life had me in it
and I wanted that to be
enough to make her not mad.
But now that I know that,
maybe I could start to let it go.
And the next time I get mad, I can just
picture my family happy in the backseat
and my mom bound and
gagged in the trunk.
Or maybe not bound and gagged.
But definitely in the trunk.
So I'm gonna let you borrow
that image for Ronnie Glow.
Okay? We can let go.
See? There it goes.
Bye, Rage.
Congratulations, Linda.
- You're cured.
- Huh?
Well, not cured but on
the road to recovery.
Wait, what's going on?
That's not Ronnie Glow, Linda.
That's my fellow limo driver, Kristof.
He owes me one. I saved
his life in Vietnam.
We were bungee jumping.
It's a long story.
- What? This was all fake?
- Yep, yep, it was.
It did work though, didn't it?
What about the chain?
We broke the ferry,
I arranged that, thanks
to my other friend, Sandra.
She's the ferry captain.
I didn't save her life, but
I did save her cat's life
by feeding it while she was out of town.
I can't believe you did all this.
Well, you're the ragiest road
rager I've ever worked with, Linda.
But I never give up on a client.
And so I had to get a little creative.
Well, I can't wait to get home
and tell Bob and the kids about this.
Oh, I bet! You just got 45 more minutes
on the ferry going this way
and then a 30 minute wait
and then 45 minutes back.
Right. Right. I'd better call Bob.
Uh, how much longer is it gonna
take you to fix the door, Teddy?
Linda will be back any minute.
I don't know when I'll be done, Bob.
I don't know. I don't know.
Wait. I'm done.
Oh God, they're back.
Hide the tools! Hide the tools!
What What do I do? Where
do I put 'em? Do I swallow 'em?
Agh! Agh!
Hello, Robert.
May I present your new wife?
Send her back, Dad. Ask for a redhead.
I got an A plus in rage class.
Uh, you got a C minus.
Well, I passed with flying colors.
Squeaked by. Squeaked by.
Still a possible hazard
to herself and others.
Yay, Mom.
I feel like celebrating.
Let's do something fun. But cheap.
Any ideas for fun, cheap stuff?
Play with dad's boobs.
Or should we tell her?
Tell me what?
I'm scared. I'm scared.
I've got you, Linda. Send us.