American Dad s16e21 Episode Script

1
Thanks again for having us over, guys.
Your home is beautiful!
They could shoot pornos here!
They have.
This B-B-Q is the least we can do.
Your son defended
Toshi's honor at school!
Oh, it was nothing.
Anyone could've helped him
vandalize that lunch lady's car.
Oh! Oh, Toshi, one of these days,
you'll have to teach me Japanese.
Hideki, my man,
I gotta say I'm lovin' it here!
Your house is gigantic,
your pool is dangerously deep,
and I like how you're
wearing dress shoes and socks
with your Speedo. Powerful look.
Gonna run to the bathroom.
So you know,
this is a massive sign of respect.
I usually just go in the pool,
even at home.
Especially at home.
When I'm not swimming.
Where's the bathroom?
They have to dump somewhere.
Unless I was supposed to go in the pool.
Hideki's got an archery range?!
Stan, are you pooping or snooping?
I would, too.
We have a lot of great stuff!
That's our weekend kitchen
This room's just an insanely
soft rug to stand barefoot on
while you listen to the Indigo Girls.
And triangle room.
But you have a triangular room.
Why didn't you put your
triangles in there?
Oh, Stan!
You have truly created comedy.
Thank you.
You know,
a lot of people don't get my comedy.
For instance, me right now.
Good morning, U.S.A.
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
- Good
- Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
Good morning, U.S.A.
Damn, someone's blowing up.
Uh, think that's you, Jeff.
"Yo, doggy, wanna join me
"for a one-on-one guys'
weekend out in the country?
Peace, love, and titties, Klaus."
Um
Why don't we have a
house like Hideki's?!
This place sucks compared to theirs!
I think it's perfect here, Dad!
I'm just grateful for
everything we have.
Then you're a fool, Steve.
I don't even wanna
think about what Hideki
would say about this dump.
Well, you're gonna find out.
I invited him over for
dinner this weekend.
You did what?! Hideki can't come here.
He'll think I'm a loser! Aah!
And look at this wall!
This place is falling apart!
How could you do this to me?!
Mother, which day
are the Yoshidas coming?
You see, traditionally,
I take a Sunday stroll, and I
We all know about your
precious Sunday strolls.
Don't worry. It's Saturday.
Y-e-es!
I'm sorry we got interrupted by
whatever all that was.
Think over my offer, Jeff.
I'll be in my alcove.
I think you know where it is.
I don't know what to do, babe.
Things tend to get weird when I hang out
with Mr. Klaus unsupervised.
But it'll be really weird if
you tell him you can't go.
He knows you have nothing going on.
- Everyone knows.
- They do?
That's flattering!
I'm so screwed!
Hideki's like the coolest guy I know.
I can't entertain him in this shitbox!
But this is an easy fix.
Just go buy some new stuff.
With what money?
I'm barely keeping my head above water.
No, dummy, not real money.
Throw it on a credit card!
That's the beauty of credit.
You buy now, you pay later.
Or maybe never!
I wish I could,
but the credit-card companies
froze me out after I maxed
out 12 cards last summer
trying to cut my teeth
on the funny car circuit.
Oh. Well, then, yeah,
Hideki's gonna laugh at your clown ass.
Thank you! You get it. No one else does.
I got Steve down there telling
me everything's "perfect"
when it clearly isn't.
- Such a dick.
- Such a dick.
Easy for him to talk.
He's never had to deal with
financial responsibility.
Right? He's never had to
pay off three credit cards
with seven other credit cards.
He's never had one.
Just letting his virgin credit
sit there like a lazy bum.
And it's that dick's
fault you're in this jam.
He's Toshi's friend.
You're right. Come on.
- We're going to the airport.
- Airport?
Seems odd, but I'm with ya, Stan.
Think we'll see any
luggage while we're there?
Sorry. I got held up at security.
That was expensive tea,
and I wasn't just gonna throw it away.
So, why are we here anyway?
For this.
I thought you couldn't
get credit cards anymore?
I can't. Hi. I'd like to sign
up for a teen credit card.
- My name is Steve Smith.
- Whoa.
Hijacking your son's credit? Love it!
Hey, did you buy two boarding passes
just to come get a credit card here?
You know you can do it online, right?
You can? Oh, my God, I'm ruined!
This is working great!
Why doesn't everyone steal
their son's identity?
Because Instagram makes
people feel like they
have to be "good" parents.
So, what do ya think?
Grab a couple lava lamps
and a fat stack of Mad
magazines for the coffee table,
- call it a day?
- Stan, Hideki's fancy.
You need to deck your place out classy
if you want to impress a guy like him.
Y-Yes, yes, of course. Like how?
Well, nothing screams
"I'm a cool rich guy"
like art and crystals.
And, to be honest, crystals are
just a good investment anyway.
They're not just beautiful.
They channel energy,
have healing properties.
They're really magnificent
little objects.
You clearly have a handle on this.
You stay here and buy whatever's
going to impress Hideki.
I'm gonna head back and get
started on the dinner menu.
I'm thinkin' we scampi everything.
Great. But before you go,
watch this cool prank.
- Hey!
- Aah! I got caught!
I'm sorry. We got off on the wrong foot.
I'm Roger.
How 'bout I buy you a fresh dog?
I get up
to Lake Wittenberg every summer.
It's so sick. You'll see.
And this is the Pig Pen Bar & Grille.
Had some good nights at the
Pen with Perry and the boys.
My local crew, we're like brothers.
Unfortunately, he's away this weekend.
But we'll still kill it.
This place is quaint as hell.
This house is only 400k.
You know, Jeff,
if you kicked in $399,000,
we'd only need 1k from another source.
Uh-oh. It sounds like
the Pig Pen is goin' off!
Sorry, private party.
Wait. Is that Perry?
Perry! Ha ha ha ha!
Get your dumb ass over here!
I thought you were gone, bro?
This is great news!
Yeah. Uh, this is actually
my rehearsal dinner.
Smart. I wish I had a
rehearsal for this ice cream.
He's funny.
Y-You're getting married
without your boy Klaus?
We're just having a small thing.
But I'm like 3 inches in size.
It doesn't get any smaller than me!
Sorry, man.
This is outrageous. We're boys!
I should be at that wedding.
I should be giving a speech,
saying things like,
"Now that you're married,
your dick is in prison!"
Sorry, Mr. Klaus.
I'm sure he just completely
forgot you existed.
He can't get married without me.
So I guess that means he
won't be getting married.
Oh, hey, since I drove, do you mind
tossing me a few bucks for gas?
Just like $200.
Think we got enough stuff?
Stan, we got everything we need.
The crystals are assaulting this place
with good energy as we speak.
Something's different.
Stan, did you get a haircut?
No, it's the decor! I love it, Dad!
Thank you, Son.
Someday, it may all belong to you.
That day is today.
You've got this!
And one final charge-up.
You can't be too careful these days.
Hi, guys! Come on in.
What is it, Hideki?
It's just, I-I-I prefer minimalism.
So all this badly hurts my eyes.
Lead me to the dining area.
Mm. So, I have a funny story.
Guess who invited Snot up to
his hotel room last night?
Pete Rose! Yeah.
- So what happened was
- How's the food, Hideki?
The meat loaf is a bit stupid.
You mean the scampi loaf?
Is there anything better than two men
sipping brandy in the master bedroom?
Cigar?
This is the warmest room in the house.
Feel free to take your shirt off.
Thanks for coming.
I hope you had a nice time, Hideki.
Stan, I had an above-average time.
Thank you, and goodbye.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
He had an above-average time!
There used to be a fly in this wine.
Why are we looking for Perry again?
I told you,
because we're trying to find Perry
so I can give him one of
these lightly poisoned IPAs
Not enough to kill him.
Yeah. She's gonna make
a great first wife.
Excuse me. We just want to warm up
Whaaa? Is that Perry?
Oh, hey, guys.
Is this the dinner you
were rehearsing for?
You're doing great!
This guy's really funny.
Like "Mad TV" funny.
Hey, Perry,
sorry if I made things awkward earlier.
How about a beer, as a peace offering?
Got a real fresh one here for ya! Pssh!
I'll just leave this right next to you,
and, uh we'll see you around.
Okay, Jeff, let's get out of here!
Yes! We did it!
By the way, I know
I gave you a hard time in the car,
but good call on packing your wagon.
It was definitely worth
100% of your suitcase space.
He said he had "an above-average time"!
What a success.
And well done decorating the place.
I wish I could take credit,
but the crystals did the heavy lifting.
Man, you really maximized the
hell out of that credit card.
Credit card? Oh, no, no.
That teen credit card barely
covered the sand painting
of two Victorian chicks sixty-nining.
No, I had to take out a
$50,000 loan from a loan shark
- to buy all that.
- What?
Relax! We don't have to pay it back.
He made me leave my
wallet as collateral,
but all that was in there was
Steve's stupid credit card!
It's a common name. They'll never
track it back to our Steve.
And you're certain there wasn't
anything else in that wallet?
Yep! I remember moving everything
out to my new Peppa Pig wallet.
Could I have missed something? Possibly.
I did it super fast while I
was rushing around Six Flags.
But pretty sure I didn't.
I had meth-focus that day.
So I'm supposed to feel "pretty sure"
that a loan shark won't
come hunting my son?
Nope. Can't do it. Let's call the guy.
Fine. His name's Mike Donkey.
But I'm telling you,
this really isn't necessary.
Yeah.
- Hi. Mike Donkey?
- Yeah.
I think someone, uh,
stole my wallet and left it with you.
It had a "Steve Smith"
teen credit card in it?
Yep, got it right here.
Been using it to weigh down
the lid on my chameleon tank.
Good, good.
So there was nothing else in there
besides the card, right?
Nope, very light wallet.
Chameleons are moving it at will.
Oh, thank God!
I'll I'll just cancel the card.
Thanks for your time!
No, thank you
Stan Smith, is it?
On Cherry Street?
Because, until right now,
I didn't have enough information
to track this kid down,
but I just ran a search
on your phone number.
I'm gonna guess your
wallet wasn't stolen
and you were thinking of
ditching out on that loan?
But you had to double-check first
because this kid with
your same last name
is someone important to you.
This guy's good!
What is he, your son?
Cousin? Non-blood nephew?
You sound like a guy with
a sibling who adopts.
You know, it doesn't matter.
What does matter is,
somebody's gonna pay me
that 50 grand by 6:00 p.m. tomorrow,
or I'm finding the kid
and breaking his legs.
This is on me.
This probably wouldn't
have happened if I gave you
a tiny crystal to put in your
butthole before the call.
How did I get in this mess?!
All I did was whatever it took
to impress my son's friend's cool dad!
Stan, Mike Donkey knows where you live.
I think the only way out is to pay him.
But how do we get 50
grand in less than a day?!
Hey, what if we counterfeit the money?
It doesn't have to be perfect,
just close enough to trick him.
Great thought,
but my printer just crapped out on me.
- I think it's out of ink.
- Damn it!
We need something,
or Steve's legs are toast!
We could probably get 25
grand for your SUV, right?
What if we sold it,
then went to Atlantic City
and tried to double that
money up at a casino?
And leave my son's very legs to chance?
Chance? Are you forgetting
we have the power
of the crystals on our side, Stan?
I'm not doubting the
crystals are absolute beasts,
it's just Maybe there's another way.
Sure, think on it. Take some time.
But we both know we're gonna do this,
so I'm gonna go ahead and pack.
Okay. Let's split up and start
chipping away at separate tables.
We're not gonna win
50 grand grinding away
at five-dollar Blackjack.
We gotta go balls to the wall.
I say we go to the room and
charge up with the crystals
until the last possible minute.
Then we hit the tables at max
power and bet it all on red.
We'll be so juiced, it's gotta hit!
Smart.
- Can you feel 'em working?
- I think so!
Do they make your lower back tighten up?
Oh, yeah, I forgot Jabbawockeez
are performing here.
Hey, if we're just gonna be sittin'
around absorbing energy,
we might as well enjoy the hotel, right?
- What about the crystals?
- We'll bring 'em with us,
charge up in luxury.
We've earned it!
You're right.
We earned this.
I guarantee they charged
up before the show.
That move's impossible without crystals.
See ya! Goin' on my Sunday stroll!
I'm gettin'
tired of this Sunday stroll shit.
Oh, my God, thank you!
Hey, boss, we got the kid's
beautiful legs in our sights.
Don't move on him yet.
They have a little more time.
And I know we're working,
but you don't have to call me "boss."
You can call me "Dad," Mike Donkey Jr.
Here we go.
$25,000 on red.
Or maybe black! Stan, what did you do?!
Red! I did it!
Hell yeah! The power of crystals!
- Mm.
- Mm.
Stan, do we double down?
The crystals are clearly working.
It would solve a lot of problems.
I could finally go nuts
in that men's wearhouse.
Let's do it!
I'm not even gonna watch,
'cause I know we're gonna win.
We are so charged,
we could fly to the moon.
Ye-ea-eah! Yes!
- Red!
- Yeah!
- Mm.
- Mm. One more?
I mean, they're basically
giving away money at this point.
We gotta, right?
- Yeah! Yes! Yeah!
- Ye-ea-eah!
I can't believe we doubled
down and won five times!
Pull over. I gotta take a leak.
That's the crystals.
They have no patience for toxins.
We only have an hour
to pay the loan shark.
Might have to pee from the
bathroom doorway to save time.
All right, let's go pay this scumbag.
Uh, Roger, does it feel like
the car's riding a little lower to you?
No, it's always been this way.
It's not my fault, Stan!
Look how huge it is!
I was powerless to its lavender pull!
Roger, how much of our winnings
did you spend?
Just all of them?
My boy's gonna get his legs mangled!
I, for one, think Steve's
legs are a small price to pay
for the wonderful weekend
we've shared together!
Any minute now,
the wedding planner is gonna run by,
yelling that the groom's
sick and the wedding's off.
Ooh! It's gonna be so sweet!
I'm sitting extra still,
because if I do, I get s'mores later!
Here we go!
My best man is violently ill!
No, he's not. Y-You are.
I don't know what happened.
He only had one IPA last night.
But the show must go on.
It feels meant to be that
I bumped into you, Klaus.
Would you
let me borrow Jeff to
be my new best man?
I just love him. He's so funny.
And now that Perry is married,
his dick is in prison!
That was my joke!
I'll give him credit, it took balls
making it his entire speech, but still.
He's gettin' a poisoned IPA!
Oh, no. Are you kidding me?!
These poisoned beers have been
nothing but trouble.
I'm gonna call Mike Donkey
and try to get an extension.
Extension denied.
Mr. Donkey, please! Let my boy go!
Break my legs instead!
No, the kid's legs were the deal.
And, unlike you, I honor my deals.
Wait! What if I told you
this giant crystal
is powerful enough to
win any bet we want?
I propose we all go to Atlantic City,
and we'll win what we owe you, times 10.
Guaranteed.
We're just gonna break the legs.
Come on, guys.
- You can't really
- Ohh!
Ohh! Ohh!
Hmm. Yeah, I've never had
to go this route before.
The deal was pay or get his legs broken.
So, yeah, I guess we're all square.
Pleasure doing business with you.
What could have possibly led to this?!
It's all my fault!
If I wasn't so desperate to
impress someone richer than me,
this never would've
snowballed out of control!
Everything's gonna be fine.
No, it's not! My boy is broken!
This baby's powerful enough
to heal a hundred legs
in mere minutes.
Shh, let the crystal do its job.
It's woooooorrrrrkkinnnngg.
Your eight brutal weeks
of physical therapy
is woooooorrrrrkkinnnngg.
I'm doing it! Come on! Stroll with me!
Aah!
Steve, you're doing it!
Bye! Have a great time!