It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s17e04 Episode Script

[FRANK] Just have a seat right there.
Would you like a drink or
- [PERSON] No.
- No?
How about a fresh glass of water?
I have to just go back and
gather myself with my buddies
- before we start this. Okay?
- Okay.
- Right. Good.
- But we are on the clock.
Oh, yeah. And for the record, you know,
you might want to jot down
how well you're being treated
at this professional establishment.
- Frank, get over here.
- Is she from the newspaper?
We are in big trouble.
We gotta come up with a
statement for this reporter.
- She's gonna butcher us.
- Yeah, this is bad.
Why don't we play dumb? Why do we
have to come up with a statement?
Because they found 500 gallons of baby
oil dumped in the Schuylkill River.
Wait. Dee might be right, 'cause they
can't actually prove that that was us.
Well, the 200 Paddy's pub
T-shirts floating around in it
- aren't exactly helping our case, pal.
- Yeah, not helping.
This is a good thing.
This could be our Paddy's-gate.
- Okay, there you go.
- No, but gates aren't a good thing.
I mean, Pizzagate, Watergate.
- Nipplegate. Nipplegate.
- Nipplegate.
Janet Jackson's career
was never the same.
You're right, what happened
- Some things you gotta keep covered up.
- Based off that. Yeah.
- We've gotta come up with a statement.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys!
We can handle this.
I mean this is why we went to
that corporate retreat in Idaho.
- [CHARLIE] Hmm.
- Right, right.
We didn't go to the retreat so much
as watched clips of it on YouTube,
but, you know, you're right, Mac.
Normally a situation like this
would have me
clawing all your faces off.
But I'm not gonna do that.
I'm gonna utilize my words.
I do see your hand is
still in a bit of a claw.
Yeah, I was ready to pounce.
I had it hidden behind my head.
I was ready
- Yeah, I hid it behind my leg.
- I had a feeling.
- Should we un
- No, let's all unclaw our hands.
- Right? Because that was the old way.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah, yeah.
This is the new way, right?
We've got the tools from
the corporate retreat.
- We've got the vocabulary.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah.
We've got these awesome fleece
vests inspired by the retreat.
- Oh, my God, I love the fleece.
- God, I love these vests.
You can let it all go under here.
I appreciate you springing for that,
Frank. Thank you very much.
So, listen,
we can handle this unpleasantry
with the grace and elegance
of any major corporation
by utilizing a little thought leadership
and simply talking this thing out.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
-
[MUSIC ENDS]
First and foremost, the business
must be protected at all times.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah.
- [DEE] Yes.
The business is infinitely more
important than any individual.
Yes, we are, of course, a family,
but human emotion notwithstanding,
I would be remiss not to mention
that we are a business first,
and as a business,
we must behave as such.
So I would like to posit, respectfully,
of course, that we put forth an offering.
- Yes, a lamb if you will.
- No, I would say, uh,
that lamb right now
could be tender and delicious,
but we have kind of bigger
issues that we're dealing with
that we need to discuss,
and maybe, you know,
eating lamb is not the best thing.
- Momentarily speaking.
- Thank you for that, Charlie,
but of course I'm speaking
of a sacrificial lamb.
- Ah!
- Maybe we need to
walk through the series of events
of the incident to figure out
who the fall guy should be,
and I would like to respectfully point
out that the phrase is fall "guy."
Thank you for pointing out
that gender inequity, Dee.
And, henceforth,
let's refer to that position
- as "fall person."
- [DEE] Mmm.
Or we could circle back to, uh,
animal-related, uh, conversations.
We could consider "fall fish," uh,
or "scapefish" or even "fall bird,"
and then we're back to Dee.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry guys, but, um,
but my hand is so tightly
clenched into a claw.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [FRANK] Same.
- I'm feeling the claw again.
- [FRANK] Same.
All right, so why don't we do this?
Let's all take a deep breath
before we continue this conversation.
Unclaw our hands.
[ALL INHALE DEEPLY, EXHALE]
I think Dee is right.
I think we got to take this mess from the
beginning to find out how we got here.
- Uh-huh.
- [DENNIS] Find out who's really to blame.
Now, as you recall,
it all started several weeks ago
[CHARLIE] Whoa!
[DENNIS] when Frank
found that jug out back.
- [FRANK MUMBLES]
- Yo, let me blow on that.
No, you make sounds when you bang on it,
not blow on it.
- No, you blow on it.
- No, no. Yeah, yeah.
- It sounds different when you put water
- [BLOWS INTO BOTTLE]
- But it's gonna be much deeper, like
- No, no, no. He's right.
- You don't blow on it
- If you blow on it like that, it gets
- You turn it upside-down
- [BLOWS INTO BOTTLE]
- You don't bang on it
- [ALL CLAMORING]
[DENNIS] That led to a vigorous debate,
which in turn led to vigorous clawing
until we decided to stop fighting and,
you know, simply get our own jugs.
Annoyingly, however,
the jugs were filled with fluid.
What are we supposed to
do with all this fluid?
Uh Yeah, can't really play
them as an instrument until we
- Oh.
- Yeah, that's a problem.
We could w-wash the bar with it.
Uh, you don't wanna wash the bar
with a with a water-based liquid.
- [FRANK] Make a fire and
- Plants love that.
- Make a fire and put water
- Make a fire and put it out.
What are you talking about?
We're not gonna make a fire.
- Well, if we start a fire
- Why would we start a fire?
So we so we have a reason
to use all this liquid.
[DENNIS] After an hour-long argument about
the best way to dispose of the fluid,
we caved and decided the best
way to make the jugs empty
was to simply drink the water.
Now if I'm braising something,
is that a way to cook something,
or is that shellacking it?
Like, am I putting sauce on it?
[DENNIS] The inadvertent
effect of the watercooler
was not just hydration,
but conversation.
Is it about the sauce or the
cooking technique or both?
- It's about the crisping.
- About both.
[DENNIS] The water tank became a
think tank for business scaffolding,
as well as recent health initiatives and,
you know, general interest.
Well, now I've taken to using baby oil almost
exclusively when I get out of the shower.
You know,
I-I don't know if you guys know this,
but you can actually put a tablespoon of
baby oil in your coffee in the morning
and it resets the pH
balance of your gut biome.
You drink it?
You know, if you're gonna dump stuff,
the best place is the ocean.
I mean, you know, in a pinch,
you go to a lake or a river,
but you wanna get rid of something,
ocean is the only way to go.
Dennis, how do they get
the oil out of the baby?
Do they have to mash the
babies up or grind them?
Is it babies that are sick and
dying already, or what is the oil
Don't be an idiot, Charlie.
The babies are alive.
They just wring them
out like an old rag.
The Cybertruck is by far the
coolest piece of machinery
that the space nerd
has ever made. Right?
- [DENNIS] Absolutely.
- I love that truck.
I'm furious that all cars
don't look like that.
Dude, totally. You know what it is?
It delivers on the promise
of the future from our youth.
- Yes.
- Right?
We thought all cars were going to
look like that back in the day.
Hard lines, sharp corners,
DeLorean-like materials.
Yeah, you know, it's the
transportation fitting of a Terminator.
- Totally a Terminator.
- [EXHALES] Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, it's like a rhombus on wheels.
- Right, right. Absolutely.
- That's right.
[DENNIS] We were firing
on all cylinders,
but things took a most exciting turn
when one particular topic was raised.
Gentlemen,
what are your thoughts on slap fighting?
Slap fighting? I'm not aware of this.
Oh. Well, let me tell you.
Just like the Cybertruck is
the future of transportation,
slap fighting is the future
of dispute mitigation.
[ALL SLURPING WATER]
[DENNIS] And, my God, was he right.
We had to try our hand at it.
- The Egyptians, they like the cats.
- Yeah. They like them.
I know, but it's a it's a cat-based
society, you know what I mean?
Yeah, but I understand that. But
- The cats are a huge part of their thing.
- They like the cats.
[DENNIS] Everybody loved it.
We swapped out the clawing for slapping.
I mean, we were using it
to-to-to settle arguments.
We were using it to end the day,
to start the day,
- to say goodbye, to say hello
- [CHEERING]
to celebrate, to mourn,
everything, you know.
- But then Mac had a business idea.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
Gentlemen, let's discuss
professional slap fighting.
[FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING]
[DENNIS] We were all slapped across the
proverbial cheeks with this venture.
- Oh, shit.
- [ALL CLAMORING]
Take your shirts off, though.
[ALL] Whoa!
[DENNIS] It was his
hand-face-based business venture
that led to the off-lining
of certain corporate assets
into various aquatic bodies.
So, Mac is clearly the prime candidate to
fall on the metaphorical sword here. Yes?
- Yeah. Sounds good.
- Sure. Well, yeah. That adds up, right?
Mm-hmm. That does seem to
be the proper mathing. Yes.
Yeah, I do
I do hear you guys on this.
As long as we're outside of
the earshot of this reporter,
I'd like to add, you can stick this
line of logic up your various assholes.
Hmm.
- All right, that's harsher language
- [DENNIS] Interesting point.
than I thought we were
allowed to use here, but
Also Dennis is leaving
out a core friction point.
[MAC] Things were going smoothly
until Dennis pointed out that the
whole thing sorely lacked eroticism.
Slaps and profits have gone up.
- That's great.
- Uh-huh.
But chick saturation has gone down.
- That's not good.
- Uh-uh.
The whole thing is
sorely lacking eroticism.
- The data is alarming.
- [FRANK] Yeah.
- Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
- Well, let's fix that.
- Go on.
- Yeah, yeah.
He pitched something with the
eroticism of mud wrestling
and the aggression of a Cybertruck.
The world just has not delivered
on the future that we were
promised when we were growing up.
We were promised mud wrestling.
We were promised wet T-shirt contests.
We were promised women going wild.
At a certain point,
we stopped women from going wild.
Why did we do that?
- They wanna go wild.
- They should go wild.
They want to go wild.
Let's let them go wild.
They're too dry,
and so they don't feel wild.
Yeah, exactly.
Guys, let's get back to our core values.
Th-There is an underserved market for
one-on-one erotic sport competition
between scantily-clad, oiled-up women.
[MAC] He proposed
pivoting away from dudes
and investing all of our resources
more heavily into women and baby oil.
[ALL] Whoa!
This is why Dennis's head must roll.
I compliment him on the innovation,
but the idea was a little chunky,
if I'm being honest.
My personal distaste for women aside,
I think you crapped the
bed on the execution.
We were over-leveraged in
the baby oil department
and subsequential
environmental what-have-yous
from the off-lining have left
us in this particular situation.
Which is why I nominate Dennis.
Right time, right skull.
- I like it. I like it.
- I gotta say I'm impressed.
You know,
you're coming at me open-kimono here,
and I appreciate that,
so kudos, you know.
But I do think we need to helicopter up,
stretch the vantage point a little bit.
I think we need to chew
on the key protein here,
- which I believe to be Dee.
- [MAC] Mmm.
With the women slappers in the bar,
we were thriving,
but we weren't quite reaching the erotic
escape velocity that I was hoping for.
I mean [STUTTERING]
really, all it is
is there's one lingering
problem with the women.
- What? They're ugly.
- They're ugly.
- I didn't wanna say it, but they are ugly.
- Yeah.
They're a bit gruff, aren't they?
The big issue for me is you can't put
baby oil on any of these women, you know.
They'll bite you.
I had one almost bend my
arm completely in half.
- I tried to put baby oil on her and she
- I got pinned by her too, man.
Yeah, yeah. So you know, like,
chick saturation is up. That's good.
- But the attractive/oil saturation
- [CHARLIE] It's way down, yeah.
- [DENNIS BLOWS RASPBERRY] It's way down.
- Way down. Why is that?
So, we need to find a way
to lure in hotter women.
Yeah, that's all it is.
You know what I mean?
Anybody got any ideas?
Back in the day when we were taking
down all the aluminum siding,
what are we gonna do with all
that asbestos that was left?
- We dumped it in the Schuylkill.
- Oh, you did?
- Yeah.
- [DENNIS] Okay.
But in order to get 'em to do it,
we lured 'em in with a Cadillac.
[CHARLIE] Oh!
That's what you gotta do with the women.
- You think we get these gals a Cadillac
- Yeah!
and we say, you know, "You win
a slap fight, you get a Cadillac"?
- Everybody needs money.
- Wait.
I know exactly what we should do.
Oh! I was thinking the same thing.
[CLICKS TONGUE] I doubt it.
[ALL] Oh!
Look at this thing. Oh, man.
Frank, baby, this is quite the prize.
- Yeah.
- [DENNIS] Nicely done, Frank.
- [CHUCKLING] Yeah.
- Wow.
Look at the hard angles on this.
- Yeah.
- It's beautiful, man.
[DENNIS] The Cybertruck lured
in a much sexier talent pool.
We were really excited about
the quality of slapper,
but there was one that stood
out above all the others.
I mean,
we couldn't take our eyes off her.
I can't wait to see
the headlights on her.
- Yeah!
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Yeah. Well, and you never
will see 'em, Frank.
Because there's only
one single headlight.
- [CHARLIE] It's a single headlight, yeah.
- [FRANK] Oh.
[DENNIS] We couldn't give her away.
We had to have her.
It wasn't long before we came up with
a plan to retain her for ourselves.
We would just have to win
the slap contest, you know.
We needed a ringer, someone to
tear through these waifish models
and ensure the truck would
remain in our portfolio.
Figure something out though.
What are you guys doing?
[FRANK] Huh?
["PEER GYNT SUITE NO. 1 - IN THE
HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING" PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
- [MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
- [ALL] Oh!
[DEE SHOUTING]
[DENNIS CHUCKLES] Dee
was tearing through girls
like a paper shredder
through company records.
And we knew she would,
as I had explained it with a graph.
The lower the self-esteem, the harder
the slap. And Dee could take a hit too.
Right? Years of getting
slapped around by Frank, right?
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]
- [DEE] Yeah.
Those were the days.
- Oh, yeah. Better times.
- If say so, buddy. If you say so.
[DENNIS] She had it all,
and she delivered slap after slap.
Sexy women, aggressive violence,
futuristic trucks.
Everything was going according to plan.
Till Dee got knocked out.
- [ALL GASPING]
- [MUSIC ENDS]
Dee, I thank you for your service.
I love you like a sister.
Well, I am your sister.
Well, you know,
familial ties notwithstanding.
Uh, I think you kinda drained
the kettle on that one.
And, hey, you know, no offense,
but I think you've proven yourself
to be pretty good at taking a fall.
[DENNIS, DEE CHUCKLING]
Guys, I know things
are getting hot, okay?
But I think we're styling
the wrong mannequin here.
I would have won that competition
if it wasn't for our associate
deviating from the business plan,
and that would be Charlie.
Oh. Uh Wow.
[DEE] He fell back on
some old bad habits.
[CHARLIE CHUCKLING] Fool.
[GRUNTS]
- [PERSON SCREAMS]
- [LAUGHING] What's up?
- What's going on? New car? I like it.
- Oh, God.
- Okay. What is this? Why are you here?
- Pretty sweet. Is that a Geo?
Well,
I got a business opportunity for you.
Oh, a business opportunity?
- Yeah. Check this out.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah, you're gonna like this.
- Great. I bet.
We're doing these oiled-up
slap fights in the bar.
Oiled-up slap fights?
Yeah, we're oiling girls and
they're slapping each other.
- You're oiling girls up?
- Yeah.
So I could oil you or you
could oil yourself, but
Did you come here to ask me
if I want to get oiled by you?
- Are you stalking me again?
- Yeah.
Stalking? Whoa. Since when did I ever
stalk you? No, that's not my thing.
- Flirting, maybe. But
- Okay.
Hey, look, you don't have to do it,
but I will say that the winner of
the thing is gonna get a free truck,
but I suppose you like this car better,
you know. [SCOFFS]
You're giving away a truck?
A Cybertruck.
Mmm.
Little did he know that she wasn't
just driving that crappy car,
she was living in it.
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS]
[DEE] The allure of the Cybertruck
and a lifetime of petty
misery suffered by this woman
rendered her unstoppable.
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Yeah. Okay. Who's next?
Uh Hey. I got an idea, all right?
W-What if you and I get a
little side pot going, right?
You and me, we we tone down
on the slaps, we call it a tie,
and that way we can share the Cyber
[SCREAMS]
[CROWD GASPING]
[LAUGHING IN SLOW MOTION]
[THE WAITRESS] Yeah!
I was sucker-punched.
- [SCOFFS] No.
- [MAC] No.
- Mm-mmm.
- In your dreams.
No. You were looking right at her.
She slapped the shit out of me,
but I wasn't ready.
[STAMMERS] It was uncalled
for and it wasn't fair.
[DEE] To make matters worse,
Frank reversed course
and refused to make her whole.
What do you mean I don't get the truck?
- It's all in the terms and conditions.
- What?
Look. "Cybertruck not included."
Can you read?
- Oh, my God!
- Can you read?
- What?
- Oh, my God.
- Screw you. Screw you guys so hard!
- In plain writing.
- Oh, I'm taking this public. For this.
- Don't you dare.
[DEE] Needless to say, she was pissed,
and she promised to go public.
And let's face it,
we didn't have permits for any of this.
Which led to the panic
and dumping of assets
to erase the trail of corporate culture
and create plausible deniability.
I'm gonna call the newspaper.
As the crow flies here, I think we
could all see from a bird's-eye view
that had Charlie not invited the
Waitress, none of this would've happened.
So Charlie should take the fall.
And I would say all due respect,
but I don't respect you.
It's true, Charlie.
We may have reached our inflection point.
Okay, great.
Yeah, that's all good. Yeah.
And I-I'm hearing you guys,
you know, ear-wise.
And, um, you know, mouth-wise, uh,
you're giving me various wordables,
uh, that are adding up to thoughts.
This is good. I see how you're trying
to clip my wings so that I can fly.
That's not how birds work.
That makes them "un-fly."
Okay. I did not know that
you were the bird expert.
But I would like to pivot here,
you know, before I fall on the sword,
and say that I was also using my eyeballs
this entire time for various observables.
Because I realized [CLEARS THROAT]
that Frank was, you know,
growing in hardness as the
eroticism in the bar was increasing.
And, uh, he was becoming as
hard as a Cybertruck himself,
you know, which you could see.
Cheese, of course,
is also on this graph.
- Just keep going.
- [CHARLIE] Uh, moving past.
Well, the main thing here is that I
think we now have our open-sliced lamb.
You know, open commando person.
- What?
- What are you saying?
I'm saying it should be Frank, man.
Because he was throwing an orgy
in the basement the entire time.
- What?
- [CHARLIE] Yes.
I realized Frank was trying to
capitalize on the erotic environment
and pivot into a more orgasmic
business model, right?
[CHARLIE] And I noticed various
unsavory investors were paying Frank
to try to get in on the ground floor.
Dear God.
Damn, you are not good at this.
I'm tryna say dudes were paying
Frank to go into the basement.
- [DEE] Mm-hmm.
- Right.
And he was failing in his efforts to
poach talent from the slapping pool.
Ooh. I like those straps, and I can't
wait to see it off. Let's go downstairs.
And I knew this 'cause chicks
were slapping him constantly.
But then I saw him trying to headhunt
for new key players in this thing.
Yo, baby. I need a prostitute.
[CHARLIE] But he was running up
against some logistical hurdles.
Well, when's she coming
back from The Bahamas?
[CHARLIE] So, the slap fighting
and the basement full of men.
The whole thing was just a big red flag.
He had a target on his back and whatnot.
So, when The Waitress got all pissed
off she wasn't gonna get a Cybertruck,
and the police were potentially going
to get involved, Frank panicked.
He was worried about the orgy,
which led to the dumping into
the Schuylkills and whatnot.
And so that is why he is the person
that that should take this fall.
Um, also, there's still a
bunch of dudes in the basement.
- Uh What? Right now?
- What?
Yeah, there's, like,
guys down there now.
- Dude.
- Right? How many are down there?
- Eleven. Eleven. Eleven's the answer.
- Eleven dudes in the basement.
- The reporter could see all this.
- Yeah, one could come up.
- It could be an issue for us.
- Oh, shit.
We got to figure out what we're
gonna do and get her out of here.
I agree with Charlie. I think Frank
should take the fall for the whole thing.
- Well, that's insane.
- You drove a Cybertruck into the river.
I didn't know.
I thought it was an aquatic vehicle.
- It's an environmental nightmare.
- It should be, but it's not.
If anything,
it looks like it goes into space.
- Yeah, it should be but it's not.
- The liberal press
is going to crucify us.
I gotta come clean.
I think the truck is ugly.
Damn it. I knew you were gonna say that.
I knew she was gonna say that.
Stupid. You're stupid.
I call bullshit on that.
All right. Enough, enough.
I've had enough with the charts
and the maps and the graphs.
It's clear you're all good foot soldiers,
loyal servants and whatnot.
But it's time we connect the Legos
here and boil down to our core values.
Yes, hammer down on our brand
identity and come out open commando.
- I said the commando thing.
- Didn't make sense the first time.
I thought it was It sounded
cool and I want to circle back.
- If you're doing it 'cause it's cool
- Okay. I got a plan,
and this is it.
Okay. Here we go.
[DEE SIGHS]
Um, ma'am, we are finally
ready to make our statement.
Yeah, yeah.
[DEE SIGHS]
No comment.
That said, we are no longer gonna drink,
serve, or have anything to do
- that represents water.
- Yeah.
- Water is not the cornerstone of our company.
- Mm-mmm.
And we will hereby, uh,
be getting rid of the watercooler.
- Gone.
- Gone.
Excuse me, I-I'm not sure
what you're talking about.
Sorry. We got on talking like this
when we started over-hydrating.
Yeah, we watched a couple YouTube
clips about a corporate retreat.
Got some water, got hydrated.
So, we're not gonna talk
about that subject anymore.
- [DEE] No more water.
- No comment is the main thing, right?
- Yeah. What I said in the beginning.
- Yeah. And no water.
I'm sorry, do you think I'm a reporter?
Yeah.
No. I'm here for the orgy.
Oh. Oh.
Good. Great. Great.
Oh. Hey, guys, the whore is here.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
- [FRANK] I was waiting for you.
- [CHARLIE] I told you guys, man.
- That's one woman.
- Yeah.
Yeah. T-That's not an orgy. That's a
- No. No.
- That's a gangbang.
- [DEE] No. No.
- That's a gangbang, yeah.
We really should find
a way to exit Frank.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]