It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s17e05 Episode Script

1
[CHARLIE] Dee, do you want a hot dog?
- [DEE] No. Buzz off.
- [CHARLIE] Dennis, dog?
- [YELLS]
- Get that hot dog away from me.
You're gonna get hot dog
grease on my seersucker suit.
Why'd you guys get so dressed up anyway?
People get dressed up
to go to horse races.
We're not going to a football game.
You guys are gonna look
like a bunch schlubs.
All right. Mac, you want a raw hot dog?
- No.
- What? Charlie,
- you're eating 'em raw?
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Mac and I are doing,
like, this raw-dog thing.
It's pretty cool.
That's not what raw-dogging is.
- It's not?
- It's a sexual thing, Charlie.
Well, that's true, Frank.
But in this case, it's a completely
different kind of raw dog.
It's like this whole TikTok trend
where people deprive
themselves of creature comforts
while traveling somewhere.
I don't [CHUCKLES] I
don't get the point of it.
Well, the point is,
it's about getting back to basics,
before we were all pampered and soft.
[DENNIS] Well,
you're gonna be missing out, Mac.
This whole experience is gonna
be about glamour, opulence,
the majestic excellence of thoroughbreds
earthquaking down a track
while we sip on mint juleps
and eat pimento cheese finger sandwiches
amongst the Southern elite.
Kentucky Derby, here we come.
Whoops. Uh-uh.
What do you mean "oops"?
What does that mean?
We're going somewhere else.
Somewhere else?
Frank, where are you taking us?
- [THEME SONG PLAYS]
-
[DEE] Oh, my God.
This place is a shithole.
What are you talking about?
This is great.
The dog track, baby.
In hindsight, I should've realized
when we got those bus tickets,
the Kentucky Derby is not
held in West Virginia.
All right, let's stop bitching.
What do we wanna do?
Wanna go place some bets or something?
[GRUNTS] This is so low class.
All right, whatever.
Let's, uh,
get some more raw hot dogs then.
We'll jump on Mac's raw-dog thing.
You're not getting it, Charlie.
I am the raw-dog in this situation.
I don't wanna eat dogs,
watch dogs or be dogs, okay?
This is not the classy
vibe I was looking for.
Why are we here, Frank?
Well,
because this place is closing down,
and I am a minority owner
of one of those hounds.
You own part of a dog?
Yeah, 40% of Pennies From Heaven.
Pennies From Heaven?
God, if I was gonna receive
something from heaven,
the last thing I'd want is pennies.
They're worthless.
I gotta pop up to the owner's box
to chop up with the
majority shareholder first.
- So
- Owner's box.
Okay, I like the sound of that.
Get away from this riffraff
before one of 'em stabs us.
Might be able to get a
decent cocktail up there.
Yeah, I'll do that.
All right.
Mac, you wanna go place some bets, dude?
That'll be fine.
Well, let's do it. Come on, man.
[CHARLIE] All right,
how do we do this, man?
Like, how do we know
which dog to bet on?
[MAC SIGHS] I guess we
just pick the rawest one.
Yeah, but how do we know
which is the rawest dog?
You think there's, like,
a one-eyed dog or, like, um
Uh, I'm pretty sure they're
all gonna have both eyes, dude.
Yeah. That's what I'm worried about.
Maybe we should ask one of
these mongrels around here.
- They look pretty raw to me.
- Get a pointer, right? Yeah.
These are raw, raw people we're with
Look at that dude right there, man.
That guy looks like
Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Who's rawer than that?
He does. He does.
But, you know, his hair routine,
that seems like a lot of effort
and that is not raw, man.
Yeah,
there's a lot of primping involved.
It's a lot of conditioner, blow-dryers.
It's not raw to care that much, yeah.
What about this dude?
[CHARLIE] I'm getting a Snoop
Dogg vibe off this guy, right?
- Who's rawer than Snoop, man?
- Yeah, it's Nobody.
Well, ever since he became best
friends with Martha Stewart
at the Olympics, that took a little
- That was weird.
- Took the dog out of him.
- That killed it for me.
- Took the dog out of him.
It killed it for me.
This guy right there.
- Check this dude out.
- Which guy?
Kind of peacing out against
the door right there. He's raw.
- What makes you say that?
- Well, he's not wearing shoes.
Which is fucking disgusting.
Look at the ground.
Ah! Dude. No, man.
There's something raw
- Something about this man
- There's nothing raw about it.
[STAMMERS] No, I'm getting a good vibe.
You know, I can sense it like a dog.
- Come on.
- I don't think you understand
what I'm going for.
Excuse me, um, sir.
My friend and I are gonna
place a bet on the next race.
[STAMMERS] We just don't know, like,
who's the good dog, you know.
If you're sniffing around for a winner,
I'd bet my last bone on Squeaky Wheel.
Runs real good after a rain.
Loves a wind out of the southeast.
Squeaky Wheel's gonna get
the grease if you ask me.
Squeaky Wheel. That's a good pointer.
That your hot dog on the ground?
Oh, sorry, dude.
Yeah, I think I was holding
the bag upside down.
I must've dropped it.
[GRUNTS] You eating it?
Uh No.
It's raw though, just just so you know.
Oh, that's okay.
Good luck with the race.
Okay, yeah. Thanks a lot, man.
Nice. That dude was great.
Let's place that bet.
What are you talking about?
I think he's gonna eat that hot dog.
- So what?
- A raw hot dog from the ground?
- Oh, Charlie
- Oh. Oh, Excuse me!
Oh. Oh, I can only eat foods
served to
He was shoeless!
- Did you see those feet?
- Oh! I have to
I have to have shoes on constantly. Oh!
- I think he's very, very sick.
- You just
I'm following your raw-dog idea,
and the second I suggest something,
you're shitting all over it, man.
We're not taking the advice
of a shoeless hobo, okay?
That guy was awesome, man. I don't know.
- I'm trying to do your thing.
- His His feet look like hams.
He's sick. I think he's very sick.
[DEE] I do like the
sound of an owner's box.
Yeah, we're owner's box people.
That's right. We belong here.
[DENNIS GRUNTS] Oof. Little smoky.
[DEE] Oh, yeah. My eyes are burning.
- That's the menthols.
- Uh, is it?
- Hey, Frank. My man.
- Hey, yo! Hey.
- How you doing, brother?
- I'm tits.
This is Dennis and this is Dee.
They're my kids, or whatnot.
Okay. I see you all dressed up.
We were led to believe we were
going to the Kentucky Derby.
Yeah, we thought we were stepping into
a little bit more of a classy affair,
you know.
Yeah. I think you'll find the dog track
to be quite elegant. Menthol?
- Yeah, no. Thank you.
- I'm good. I'm good.
Uh, speaking of elegant,
let's talk stud rights.
Got what you want right here, Frank?
Your 40%.
- You did it already.
- Yeah.
I was supposed to film
that for the Saudis.
- Saudis?
- Yeah.
Man, I don't do business with them.
What do you think they're talking about?
- You gotta do it again so I can film it.
- Before a race?
- Yes, before the race.
- No way, Frank.
- The milking's done.
- Yes, yes.
I believe they're talking
about masturbating a dog.
That's what I was worried about.
Um, okay, guys.
- Uh We're outta of here.
- [DEE] Mm-hmm.
No, w-wait, wait.
The Saudis will pay big money for that.
- Is that right?
- Yes, but that that jar
could have a-a border collie's
jizz in it for all I know.
- Yeah.
- I got gotta be sure.
I got Okay, what we should do,
we could sneak down there,
and I could film you guys getting it.
He wants us to get it.
We're not jerking a dog off, Frank.
- That's not gonna happen.
- Not something we're doing.
That's not the kind of day
we were looking to have.
Okay, all right.
You don't have to help me with the dog.
But don't take it out on the track.
I mean, you can still have some fun.
Why don't you put a
bet on the first race?
Here, here, I'll tell you what.
Put $10 on Squeaky Wheel.
- I hate these stupid dog names.
- You too. Take this.
- Here, well, you go too.
- I'm not gonna not take it.
[CHEERING]
Holy shit, dude. They are fast.
That is impressive.
[ANNOUNCER] Around the final turn.
Squeaky Wheel making a move.
Uh! Ah!
[DENNIS] Whoa. Hey.
Down the stretch, here they come.
It's Squeaky Wheel!
- Wha Oh!
- Wow!
Oh! Baby! Who won? Who won?
- Squeaky Wheel by a mile, dude.
- We woulda won, dude. Come on.
We gotta go find that raw dog guy.
That's our guy. That's our dog, man.
- Squeaky Wheel!
- Okay! Okay! Okay!
- What'd I tell you, huh?
- Yeah.
- How much do we win?
- $200 each.
- Really? Oh, my God.
- What?
Frank, I gotta tell you,
there's a real rush in this.
- Anybody want a screwdriver?
- Yes. Yeah.
Toss me one of those menthols too,
while you're at it.
Yeah, gross.
Hey, Frank, when's the next race?
Oh. We got a minute. What?
Were you looking for action?
- Uh, maybe. Yeah.
- What do you have in mind?
Rochambeau for a hundred dollars.
- I'm in. Ready?
- Wait, what?
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Rock beats scissors. I'm up 300 bucks.
Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. I go, I go, I go.
- I'm up 300 bucks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Same one? Seriously, dummy?
Pay me, bitch.
I'll tell you what.
We'll go $500 each, right?
- Right here. Ready?
- Absolutely, absolutely.
I'll call this one. Ready?
- All right.
- Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
I didn't know he was gonna
do the same one three times.
Yeah, I guess we lost it all, didn't we?
Is that it?
That's all right. We'll win it back.
Yeah. We'll win it back.
Frank, what else can we bet on, man?
What number am I thinking
of between one and ten?
- A hundred dollars.
- That's a good one. Okay, yeah.
- Seven.
- Two.
Nope, wrong.
- You owe me $100. Fork it over.
- Oh, shit.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
I don't know if we're
gonna find this guy, man.
Maybe he just got lucky.
Nah, this is the guy, man.
This is This is our raw dog.
Yeah, you know where he is?
He's probably at the ticket window
collecting his winnings, right?
I don't know.
[MAC] Wait a second.
Is that him down there on all fours?
Is he foraging for more food?
Probably just dropped his
ticket or something. Come on.
- Let's go talk to him.
- All right.
Excuse me. Uh
Sir, hi.
I-I I don't know if you remember us.
- We didn't get a name earlier.
- It's Sparky.
What you looking for down there, Sparky?
Corn nuts.
See, dude?
I told you he was looking for food.
No, not to eat.
See, people drop 'em,
and they blow onto the track.
Single corn nut can turn a dog's ankle,
ruin its career.
Oh, so you're like a janitor here, man.
I do that too.
It's actually pretty cool.
No. I take care of the dogs.
But I do like to tidy up on occasion.
Like that hot dog that you found.
Dogs appreciated that, by the way.
That's what you were doing.
Okay, all right.
But what's with the no shoes?
Dog don't wear shoes, so why should I?
I like to feel what they feel,
know what they know.
Dog's a majestic creature.
Ain't no coincidence that "god"
spelled backwards is "dog."
Oh. Dude, I think I had you peg,
like, all wrong.
You are super raw.
- Raw?
- Oh, yeah.
My buddy and I,
we're doing a raw dog thing.
Yeah, I'm trying to
re-embrace my raw dog nature.
Lately I've been feeling no joy.
I've overindulged.
I've been taking crazy risks.
I jumped off the top of a
jungle gym the other day.
I went to a nightclub and
got really raw with it.
Had a bit of a scare.
I've been seeking my pleasures
through thrills and sexual conquests,
and I think I need to be more raw.
You know,
"raw" spelled backwards is "war,"
and you sound like you
at war with yourself.
This is blowing my mind.
Wow, dude, me too.
What else can you spell backwards?
Yeah, I feel like we could
we could learn something from you, bro.
Y'all wanna learn the way of the dog.
- Yes. Totally.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Could we, like, tag along with you?
Let's do it.
All right.
Yeah, by the way, how much you win?
- Win?
- On your bet.
Oh, I don't bet on dogs.
Gambling can drive a man crazy,
make him do things
against his better nature.
Gambling will make you lower
than the lowest dog there is.
Yeah, come on, baby. Come on.
- Whoo! Yeah!
- [WHOOPING, CHEERING]
- Give me that 18 bucks, bitch!
- He won 18 bucks.
I got your tie on that one.
No, give me the tie, Dee.
Come on, what are you doing?
- Give me 18 bucks.
- Roll for it then.
All right. Here you go.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [DEE] Whoo! [LAUGHS]
- Damn it.
- You're so dumb.
- [DENNIS] Shit!
Louis, I'll give you this hat
for the dog siring rights.
- No dice, Frank.
- Come on.
Hundred grand,
you can go jerk him off right now.
- [FRANK] Oh
- Guys, let's keep this classy.
Next bet. Next bet. Let's go.
All even numbers, I get your jacket.
No. Let's stick to cash, okay?
- You're not getting my jacket
- You got no cash.
I got $3 in my pocket.
[FRANK] You're out of money.
Ten bucks you can eat
that gum off the floor.
I'll do it.
No, no. What are you doing? Stop it. No.
Twenty dollars you rip Dennis's jacket.
No, I just wanna win my money back.
Don't rip the sleeve. Come on.
- [FABRIC TEARS]
- [FRANK LAUGHS]
Goddamn it! You son of a bitch!
- Here you go.
- Thank you. Yay.
Dee! All right.
Rochambeau to get it tailored!
No problem.
- [LAUGHS] Suck it, bitch.
- Oh, God.
You gotta get that shit tailored.
You bitch!
- I like it like that.
- Yeah, it's better like that.
- It made it look better.
- Next bet.
[SPARKY] Yeah, man.
Some folks are just
chasing the wrong rabbit.
They're the one is really
running in circles.
Why are you spitting in the bowls?
Let's them know I'm the alpha.
Dude. That's sick, man.
I'm gonna start spitting in
people's beers at my job,
- Let them know, like, I'm the
- Nah, don't do that though.
Goddamn mutt.
Do you have any idea how
much money I blew on you?
Excuse me for a second, fellas.
We got a problem here?
I feel like I wanna be raw,
but every time he does something cool,
he then does something really raw,
and it kind of grosses me out.
You don't like that he's
spitting in the dog food?
No, I don't like that
he expressed that dog's
anal glands with his bare hands.
Yeah. But I mean, like, look, dude,
you wanna be raw,
you gotta get your hands a little dirty.
Well, you don't got to
'cause there's gloves right there.
There were gloves right there,
weren't there?
- [SPARKY BARKS]
- Whoa!
Take it easy. Okay, okay, okay.
[SPARKY CONTINUES BARKING LIKE A DOG]
Well, he's got that dog in him.
- [OWNER] Take it easy.
- He's going full dog on that guy, huh?
[OWNER] Forget about it.
Forget about it.
Wow. That was intense, man. Whoa!
Yeah, I'm sorry y'all had to see that,
but sometimes I'm just off my
leash and protecting my pack.
Yeah. Is that That's the one
you expressed the gland with.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Now, this dog here is hurt.
He can't race no more.
That makes him mine now.
So, you get to keep the dog?
Yeah, I get to take him home,
take care of him. I live right here.
In the dog kennel?
No, I wish. No, I live in a
trailer out in the parking lot.
Oh.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Before this place makes
animals of us all.
Ready, set, go!
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
[YELLING]
Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Oh, no.
[CHEERING, WHOOPING CONTINUES]
Don't quit, don't quit, don't quit.
They're not gonna make it.
They're not gonna make it.
No, they're gonna make it.
- No, no. Gag, gag, don't quit.
- [DENNIS RETCHING]
You haven't made your money back yet.
You haven't made your money back.
You haven't made your money back.
It's too much. It's too much.
Okay, my sister and I are out of here.
[RETCHES]
- You owe me 15K, Frank!
- Damn! Goddamn it.
- Ten bucks says they stay.
- I'll take that.
No, no, no. No more bets, goddamn it!
We've been degraded enough!
We're out of here. [RETCHES]
Not classy! Not classy, Frank!
Not classy! Not classy!
Not classy!
That was bad.
It was just too far, Dee. [RETCHES]
He turned us into the dogs.
[RETCHING CONTINUES]
You gotta stop, Dee.
Trying to stop, but the smell
of dog food on your breath
- Okay, listen, listen.
- It's really bad.
[RETCHING]
I have a plan. I have a plan.
How we can get our money
back and then some.
Double or nothing for our clothes?
No, we gotta be smarter than that, Dee!
We gotta be smarter.
We can't play their games anymore, okay?
We're gonna get our money back,
and we're gonna make even more money.
[DEE GROANS]
But we're gonna have to
do something pretty raw.
[RETCHING]
Come on, Sherlock Bones. Let's go.
Well, this is my kennel.
Cool. Living at the dog track.
- That's raw, dude.
- Yeah.
Oh, uh
Pardon the tarp, boys.
Dogs get a little messy
every now and then.
And you're putting
the dog's needs first.
Yeah, right.
He's thinking about the dog.
All day. Man, you have opened my eyes.
You have spent your entire life giving,
and all I do is take.
- Yeah, you're big taker.
- Yeah, I am. I'm a bit of a
- You are too though.
- [CHARLIE CHUCKLES]
But look, I-I-I feel like being
raw is putting yourself last.
And that's a good way to be.
Yeah, dude.
[STAMMERS] Put yourself last.
And tarps, I mean, pretty awesome, man.
- I might get a tarp for Frank.
- What kind of breed is Frank?
Oh, Frank's a man.
- He's a man, human man.
- Yeah, he's human man.
- Human.
- But he's messy like a dog.
- Yeah.
- Um
But he's a man.
[OLD TUNES PLAY ON RADIO]
Yeah. Anyways
- Yeah.
- Um
Hey, listen, man,
just thanks again for everything.
It's been an awesome day, and
I'm really just so sorry
they're closing the place down.
They're doing what now?
Oh, you didn't hear?
Oh, this place is closing down, yeah.
I think there's not gonna be
any more dog tracks in in America.
I did not know that.
Think somebody would've told me.
[CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.
- Oh, well,
I guess I'm always just
the last to know. [CHUCKLES]
[CHARLIE] Yeah.
All right.
Say, boys, you mind
if I go spend a couple of
minutes with my thoughts here?
Yeah, no. Go take take a minute,
and we'll hang here and
God, I feel bad that he didn't know.
God, man. I feel so bad.
I can't believe they would keep
him in the dark like that, man.
You know what?
He's got such a great outlook on life.
- I bet he bounces right back.
- He definitely will.
[GUNSHOT]
[EMPTY SHELL CLINKS ON GROUND]
That sounded like a gunshot, man.
It did sound like a gunshot. Do
Do you think he shot the dog?
- Why? Why would
- I don't know.
Maybe that's what he was talking about
when he says he takes care of the dogs,
like, he shoots them when
they can't race anymore?
Is that a thing? It might be a thing.
That might be why they're shutting down
all of these places over the country.
- 'Cause they shoot the dogs when they
- Yes!
[CHARLIE] Oh.
Well, if he didn't shoot the dog,
what did he shoot?
- Oh
- Dude.
He was feeling a little too raw.
- Hey.
- [MAC INHALES SHARPLY]
Hi.
This is a crime scene now, right?
This is a crime scene, yeah.
- Know what, wipe our prints.
- Yeah.
[STAMMERS] We're
thinking the same thing.
We gotta wipe the prints.
Let's get out of here, man.
Let's just get out of here.
[CHARLIE] You wanna burn
this thing down, or
[MAC] Go, go.
Frank. Frank, we gotta go. Right now.
[CHARLIE] There he is.
[CHARLIE] We gotta go. We gotta go.
There is a seedy
underbelly to this place.
Maybe a bit of a fingerprints situation.
It's not good. Bad things happened.
There's definitely a fingerprint issue.
- We gotta go, dude.
- We gotta go.
- [DEE, DENNIS LAUGH]
- We did it.
- Bitch!
- Why are you dressed like this?
[STAMMERS] Move past that.
[DEE] Yeah, not now, not now.
We want our clothes. We want our money.
And we want 50% of whatever
the Saudis were gonna pay you.
- You did it?
- Oh, yeah, we did it,
you son of a bitch.
- Prove it.
- No problem.
I was hoping we weren't gonna show this.
No, we're gonna do it.
- No, they're gonna see it.
- [DEE] Here we go.
There we go. All right.
Go.
Hello, crown princes
and other honorable Saudis.
- [DEE RETCHES]
- [DENNIS CLEARS THROAT]
With much respect, we present to you,
Pennies From Heaven.
Champion racing dog.
Let this video serve as
proof to show authenticity.
Oh, God. Okay, all right, here we go.
[DENNIS] Yep.
[DEE] Yeah, get under him.
Get underneath.
- Oh, my God, man.
- [PATRONS GASPS]
- [DENNIS] Well, don't Okay.
- [GASPS CONTINUE]
[GASPS, GROANS]
- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
Shit.
They did it!
You owe me big time, Louis. [LAUGHS]
[FRANK] I won.
[CHEERING]
- [LOUIS] Well done, Frank.
- [FRANK] Fork it over, baby.
- Nice!
- Easy. Easy.
- Oh, w-what's happening?
- I won.
- You won what?
- The bet.
I bet Louis I could get
you guys to jerk off a dog,
and you did it. [LAUGHS]
The Saudis. What about the Saudis?
I don't know no Saudis.
- I don't even own a dog.
- What are you talking about?
The only reason why we're
here is so I can bet on you.
You are my raw dogs, and you won.
No, no, we're here because you
wanted to bet on the dog races.
Dog races? I never bet on a dog race.
That's some low-class shit.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[FRANK EATS LOUDLY]
You guys raw-dogging it home? [CHUCKLES]
Anyone like a corn nut?
[THEME MUSIC CONTINUES]