American Dad s17e06 Episode Script

1
Hayley. Hayley, wake up.
It's a horrible family emergency!
What?! God what?!
The emergency is your
life isn't going anywhere,
so we're going to get you some drive.
We're going for a drive?
In a car?
No, we're going for a walk.
In our bodies.
As you know, every day I leap out of bed
and fly into my slippers.
Of course, your "leap of faith."
It shakes the whole house.
But what you don't know is
every morning before my leap,
I take a brisk walk
around Langley's historic
Gaslamp district to get the blood up
and the laziness down.
You go on this walk and
then get back in bed?
This healthy routine gives me the drive
I need to have a successful career.
I want that for you, too.
But I already have a
successful career at Subhub.
They even trust me enough
to let me have a key.
A key to where?
The bathroom.
Just as I feared.
The room so awful it's where we hide
our disgusting toilets.
Hayley, Subhub is not a career.
It's a dead-end.
But I'm showing you a way out,
complete with breakfast
at a little place
I like to call
Johnny Fifties!
I remember this place!
We used to come here all the time.
Johnny, my man!
Gimme a piece of toast,
and mash up these peas for me.
But only if you promise not
to charge me for the peas.
They're my property, Johnny.
I won't pay for what's
already mine, Johnny.
Again, Stan, my name is Sal.
The restaurant is Johnny Fif
Ooh, I'll have a shortstack of pan
No, the food is terrible.
You just come to soak up
that authentic 1990s-style
'50s atmosphere.
Stan, I've got some bad news.
We're closing.
Closing?! How could this be?!
Well, people just don't care
about 1950s nostalgia anymore.
Or maybe we'd have survived if,
I dunno, every day
you bought something more
expensive than toast.
Johnny, 86 the toast.
You can't expect people to eat
after getting terrible news like that!
No! No! Stop the music!
Not today, big brass band!
Shut up! Shut up!
You okay up there, Mr. Smith?
Johnny Fifties is going under.
It's bad news, or to put it in terms
you'll understand, bad music.
Well, if you love the place so much,
maybe you could give them a loan?
I just don't know where
I'd find the money.
Anyway, you and the boys take
the rest of the week off,
fully paid of course.
Well it's official, gang.
I have hep C.
I think it's time for some
major lifestyle changes
Red alert! Family emergency!
What?! God what?!
I'm too upset to say
what the emergency is.
I must carve it.
J
O
Oh, it's about Johnny Fifties closing.
I heard him tell the bandleader.
Oh, yeah, Johnny Fifties!
Their food sucks.
And no shock top.
Okay, my fingers hurt.
It's Johnny Fifties.
I cannot let this restaurant close.
- Why?
- Well, for one thing,
it's part of my morning routine.
But also, let's be honest.
I'm a '50s kind of guy.
Exhibit A my suit.
Oh, yeah, your suit is sort of '50s.
For a '50s guy like me,
letting Johnny Fifties
close would be like admitting the
'50s were over.
But the '50s are over!
Don't you get it?!
If you're truly nostalgic,
nothing is ever over!
As someone who was alive back then
with a Wolfman Jack-type
radio DJ persona
and a number-one doo wop hit,
I think Stan's onto something.
Look around this house, guys.
Not a lot of love for the '50s.
He's right. No jell-o molds.
No hula hoops!
Plus, you're not watching TV
while you eat!
And even if you were,
"Happy Days" is never on!
Uhp, there it is, but it's a bad one,
doesn't count too much Potsie.
That's it! If I'm going to
save the restaurant
You have to improve the food?
I need to get people
to love the '50s again!
There's no time to lose!
Did you know glory holes were much,
much larger in the '50s?
One time me and both Everly Brothers
stuck our junk in one together
all at the same time.
And you know who was on the other side?
The Big Bopper.
At least that's what it felt like,
I never saw him.
- Aah! Aah!
- Aah! Aah!
What? Never seen
a successful person before?
Is this supposed to be like dad's
"leap of faith" out of bed?
It's a natural expression of drive.
The regional manager's
coming to Subhub today
and I am gonna show him, and dad,
that I've got what it
takes to get ahead.
Mr. S throws our food on the ground
and she jumps all over the table?
Someone's gotta say it.
They made a mockery of breakfast.
As your regional manager, I'm here
because by now, most of you
have seen the leaked documents
referring to your positions
as "dead-end jobs."
Uh, what documents?
It doesn't matter.
The point here is your
jobs are not dead-ends.
Yes, dead-ender in the back.
So are we allowed to drink
the oranginas or what?
Give me a promotion!
I've got the keys to success!
Or should I say the bathroom?
Pee pee? Poo pee? What's your pleasure?
Tell me what you need,
what Subhub needs,
and I am on it.
Well, we would like
to open a new location
in the hugely-desirable-
nearly-impossible-to-find-
an-open-space-in Gaslamp district.
I know just the place.
Johnny Fifties is closing and
Subhub can take its place!
Great idea!
You're promoted!
The rest of you demoted!
You live here now and
get paid in pepperoni.
According to math,
Johnny Fifties can stay
afloat for eight weeks.
And we're gonna need every minute of it
to get people to love the '50s again.
'Cause you really have to love the '50s
to stomach your signature
nauseating burgers.
I mean you no disrespect, Johnny.
My name is Sal.
I call it "Operation '50s heat up:
Get 'em interested in the
'50s and save Johnny Fifties!"
What if we call it
"Operation '50s fever"?
Horrible idea.
Klaus, you're going to Milwaukee
to get the statue of Arthur Fonzarelli,
aka the Bronze Fonz.
I need it! Go now!
I don't really need the Fonz statue.
We just can't have Klaus around
sloshing his bowl water all over
everyone's classic cars.
Everyone will have classic cars?
And more! Here's some concept art
I had made to inspire us.
Cruisin' cars, lawn darts,
asbestos chunks,
Johnny Fifties bursting with
hungry Fonzie impersonators.
Stan, you seem to be leaning
pretty heavily on Fonzie.
Um, people also like,
I don't know, Elvis?
Oh, you mean singing Fonzie. Good idea!
I always wanted to be
like Marilyn Monroe
and have an air vent blow my dress up!
You'll do it! And Roger, you do your old
Wolfman Jack DJ persona.
That persona was unforgettable.
What was his name again? Wolfman Puck?
No, that's not it. Don't worry,
it'll come to me on the air.
Jeff, you're a beatnik,
and Steve,
you can be a nerd or "square."
Easy. True to the time period,
I'll put tape on my glasses
to make them appear broken
No need!
Just like James Dean, I pulled my punch
so I only hurt the glasses.
No you didn't!
Hayley, you can be Spudnik.
He was a very famous potato.
Dad, you won't believe this.
Your walk gave me drive.
And that drive got me a job
as manager of a new Subhub
opening where Johnny Fifties used to be!
But Johnny Fifties is where
Johnny Fifties used to be.
Not for long. After I told them
it was closing,
Subhub sweet-talked the landlord
into taking over the lease in two days!
But two days isn't nearly
enough time for my plan!
Aren't you happy for me?
Happy? You betrayed me.
You're trying to destroy a place I love.
So, you don't like it
when I don't have drive,
and you don't like when I do have drive.
What even is this? Operation '50s fever?
My original idea Klaus was never here.
Blueprints for a leather jacket?
A list of places for beaver to leave it?
This plan is so stupid.
Thank God I commissioned concept art
for every possible betrayal.
This is exactly how I feel,
right down to my giant ass!
I can't let her do this to me.
New plan!
Oh, good, that one was kinda stupid
The old plan, faster!
We'll do Operation
'50s fever in 48 hours!
Why have I pinned my hopes on this fool?
Would a fool get concept art of himself
dressed as a court jester
pleading with the king
not to cut his head off
for not having enough bells
on his jester hat?
I'm a goner! Welp, lesson learned.
Shoulda had more bells.
Y Stan needs Langley to catch
a baaad case of '50s fever
or else Hayley will be proven right
that Stan's plan to save Johnny Fifties
is a stupid, stuuuupid plan.
You heard it from me, uh
What's my name again?
The '50s was so long ago.
Wolfboy George?
Did I mention Hayley thinks
Stan's plan is stupid?
Gah! I feel betrayed
by Hayley all over again!
- And by you!
- Why me?!
Because you're here talking my ear off
when you should be buying extra food
for when I ignite '50s fever!
But Stan, I'm bankrupt
You don't say you're "bankrupt,"
Daddy-O.
You say you're "on the skids."
I like your plan.
And I love not wearing seatbelts.
Aah!
The CIA's Cuban operations
really came through with these
classic cars on short notice.
Paging Mr. Bega,
can you say "Mambo number '50s"?
Plenty more where that came from.
Like a Greaser, I've got goodies
rolled up all over my body.
Pack of raisins.
Box of Goobers in my waistband.
Aah!
Where are all the contestants?!
You had one simple job, Steve.
To gather 500 to 600 professional
Fonzie impersonators
on an hour's notice.
How was I supposed to get the word out?
You won't let me use my computer!
Before there was e-mail,
there was just plain tell-e-grams.
And we attached them to the
infamously dangerous lawn darts.
Infamously dangerously fun.
Have faith, son.
Trends always start with
one single brave cool guy.
But this time it's not James Dean.
It's James me
Enough of these faulty toothpicks!
It's time to show Hayley
just how wrong she is.
Okay, one more try.
Oh, Marilyn!
Time to walk over that normal vent!
I'm in a hurry! Outta my way!
Whoa, the air's so hot!
My genitals!
Aaaaaaagh!
Hey, let's play chicken!
Whoa!
Someone shred that guy and slather him
in hot mayonnaise and marshmallows,
because he's a chicken,
and that's my recipe
for Chicken Ambrosia.
Here's one that never fails
to spark '50s fever
Passing a milkshake between cars.
I can't reach you!
I like bongos!
Too thick!
The way it used to be!
Aah!
Ribs broken by steering column
The way it used to be.
Yes!
Yay!
With '50s fever failing to catch,
it looks like Subhub's
new location is all
but a certainty, which means
I'm really gonna be a manager!
With a manager's salary.
And a manager's mansion.
Who is this concept
artist everyone's using?
None of this would be
possible without you.
My rod is too hot!
And the Goobers in my pants melted!
Yeah.
None of this would be
possible without me.
You feel bad for a man who
doesn't want his daughter
to live in a mansion?
The best type of house?!
It's all Hayley's fault!
I should've known she'd
mess up having drive
like she has everything
else in her life.
That's it.
You're live on the air with
some kinda wolf
Dad, I know you're listening,
and I want you to know
I'm with people who appreciate my drive
so much I'm getting a mansion.
Wow. For our listeners who don't know,
that's the best type of house.
So just give up now and
stop embarrassing yourself!
Another caller!
This isn't over, Hayley.
The fever is catching.
It's the loser '50s guy!
He's cheating and using a cellphone!
Loser? Maybe free asbestos
will change your mind!
The miracle molecule of the '50s!
- Ugh!
- And, uh
It's only gonna get more
feverish when people see,
uh
a James Dean type like me
in a classic teenage knife
fight up at the old observatory!
DJ, play a song of betrayal.
I wanna dedicate it to my daughter.
Betrayal is a terrible thing
The pain can last so long
Oh, the devil's gonna
poke you in your giant ass
And your daughter's
gonna cheer him on
Watch out, teens!
This rebel's gonna cause you
to love the '50s!
Oh, my God!
You stabbed me!
It's just a nick! Please like this
so I can prove my daughter wrong!
Please, I beg you!
I'm not crazy!
I just really love a restaurant.
That's him!
The bowzer from Sha Na Na lookalike
who pooped his pants!
James Dean Goobers.
Yeah, that's what they all say.
We've got a warrant for your
arrest and plenty of witnesses.
Before you arrest me, I just want to say
none of that stuff I did was wrong
in the '50s. You could get away with
all kinds of crazy stuff because
We didn't know that was bad yet
We didn't know that could kill ya
Turn back the page
to an innocent age
We didn't know it was wrong
You threw a lawn dart in my skull!
We didn't know it was wrong!
You stabbed my son!
We didn't know, we didn't know
You threw asbestos in my face!
Now you're insulated, dude
My genitals!
Wow, you're howdy doody smooth
Turn back the page
to an innocent age
We didn't know it was wrong
But what if someone gets hurt?
The nurses all wear funny hats!
What about the rampant
sexism and racism?
It was wrong then and it is wrong now
and in our new '50s, it isn't allowed!
The Fonzies came!
- Ay
- Ay
- Ay
- Ay
We're Fonzies and we're here to say
- Ay
- Ay
- Ay
- Ay
'50s fever's here to stay
I get it!
The '50s were about willful ignorance!
Now you're razzin' my berries!
So I don't have to go to school?
That was the opposite of cool
And I can litter on the ground?
I call it nature's lost and found
And I can eat trans fats?
Some say that's
where the flavor's at
So I can stab my son?
It's just a Nick, and yes, it's fun!
So I can drink and drive?
Fonzie did it all the time
- Ay! Ay!
- Ay! Ay!
Turn back the page
to an innocent age
We didn't know it was wrong
Now that you've ignited '50s fever,
what's next, Stan?
Going to Johnny Fifties,
saving it at long last?
Too soon. These people aren't
hungry enough yet to choke down
that wretched slop.
Everyone, to the sock hop!
It's over, Hayley.
Everyone can't have '50s fever.
My God, it's happening in here!
Wail on that black forest ham,
Big Daddy!
Welp, we're throwing in the towel.
Subhub corporate is as quick to
give up as we are to celebrate.
Why would he do this to me?
He wanted me to have drive.
Wait
Drive
Time to fight '50s with '50s.
Aah!
Now that you've danced
yourselves ravenous
and would eat trash like wild boars,
let's go
save Johnny Fift
I challenge you to a drag race!
If I win the race,
Subhub takes over Johnny Fifties.
Ha! Why would I accept that
when I already have everything I want?
Because '50s honor demands it.
'50s honor! '50s honor!
Okay! Okay!
'50s honor, which I've just heard of,
is everything to me!
Let's drag!
Everyone's finally tuning into me,
Dogboy Chuck,
as we all wonder who will
win the big drag race.
It's Stan vs. Hayley,
Johnny Fifties vs. Subhub,
past vs. future,
today's glory holes vs. giant '50s
"Looney Tunes"-sized glory holes
where you can just wave
at the guy or the gal
on the other side.
Hayley, before I win,
I should finally be honest with you.
I wish Fonzie was my daughter.
You're sick, Dad.
And Fonzie is really
more of a '70s icon!
Fonzie, Chachi, Potsie, Richie,
Fonzie, Chachi, Potsie, Richie!
Don't! These cars are death traps!
Don't worry, Steve.
I've had my mechanics working all night.
Show 'em, boys!
- Ay!
- Ay! Ay!
Safe enough for ya, Steve?
And I'm DJ Apeman Snack,
the voice of a generation
and the face of a genera
Damn it,
you can't see my face on the radio.
I'll text you all a picture of my face
using Amber alert technology.
Look at it even if you're driving.
Sorry if my dick is also in the picture.
Don't let that shock you off the road.
And take off those seatbelts,
it's the '50s!
Vietnam's around the corner
and it's gonna git ya!
And now the song you've
all been waiting for,
my very own number-one hit from 1958,
"Drag Race Angels"!
This one's dedicated to Stan and Hayley.
Drag race angels
A father who's mean
Drag race angels
A daughter who dreams
Wait a second, I know this song.
It was our song!
Remember when Hayley
Was just a little girl?
You'd eat at Johnny Fifties
And drink a malt with two straws
You love these memories
Not the '50s,
you crazy drag race angel
Wow. This song really takes me back.
And a lot of the lyrics make
more sense now than ever.
I loved Johnny Fifties
because of the time
I spent there with Hayley.
But I can spend time with her now!
Must kill Dad!
Eesh. Or maybe I can't.
Man, how would Fonzie fix this?
Ay!
Nay!
The Bronze Fonz, Stan!
I took some '50s-style benzos
and drove to Milwaukee
and back in one day!
Johnny Fifties is saved!
Oh, my God! Dad, are you okay?
Oh, Hayley, forgive me.
I haven't been James Dean or James me.
I've been plain old James mean.
Dad, you you might have brain damage.
One of your pupils is so big.
That's because I'm looking
at someone I love so big.
Hayley, I want you to know I support you
wherever your drive takes you next,
Subhub or no Subhub.
The toothpicks are back!
I'm gonna drive you to the hospital.
I spy with my little eye
a table!
Aww, it's our table!
Table angels
They love each other now
Don't worry about Sal
He sells Chicken Ambrosia, wow
He's a billionaire
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Bye-bye! See you soon!