It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s17e06 Episode Script

1
- [MAC] They are really going at it.
- [DEE] Lot of tongue.
[DENNIS] Too much tongue.
I think it's kind of weird that
we're watching them, right?
Well, it's hot. I think it'd be
weird if we didn't watch them.
They are super young though.
- [DENNIS] Yeah.
- In fact, everybody here is super young.
- [DEE] Oh, goddamn.
- Oh, come on.
- Hey, are you 21?
- Yeah, what does it look like?
Yeah, fuck off, grandpa.
- [DEE GASPS]
- [MAC] Oh.
- The mouth on him.
- [DENNIS] I mean
- [DEE] Heinous.
- Wait a second.
Didn't we, like, just deal with this?
[DEE] We just dealt with
something like this.
- We did, right?
- Not long ago.
All right, let's kick 'em out.
- Goddamn it, Son.
- [SON] Shit.
- Oh, my God.
- [PARENT] I can't believe you're in a bar.
[PARENT 2] You are in so much trouble.
How many times do we have to
tell you to stay away from her?
We're in love.
Yeah, and there's nothing
you can do about it.
- [MAC] Ooh.
- Oh, my God. That was riveting.
[DEE] Yeah, turned into a
real Romeo and Juliet thing,
- didn't it?
- Yeah.
[PARENT 1] I don't know
what to do with him.
- He's gotta stop drinking.
- [DENNIS] Hey, guys.
You guys look familiar.
Yeah, you do too.
Hang on a second. What are your names?
I'm Trey. This is Tammy.
Oh, shit. This is classic Tammy.
[ALL SPEAK INDISTINCT]
[CHARLIE WHISPERING] Trey and
Tammy were lovers in high school,
but she wanted to make Trey
jealous by flirting with Dennis.
Dee tried to bang Trey,
but he was only using her
to get back at Tammy and it worked.
They slept together on their prom night.
They had a baby that they named Trey Jr.
Trey Jr.'s in love with that
girl named Kerry Bitaberry,
but Trey and Tammy hate Kerry Bitaberry
because the Bitaberry family is trash,
which they are.
Dennis and Dee are, like,
super obsessed with Trey and Tammy still.
I can pretty much tell
by their body language.
I think they're gonna try to bang them.
Huh? Did you say something?
I wasn't listening.
[WHISPERING] Oh, yeah.
That's Trey and Tammy.
They were lovers in high school.
Tammy tried to bang
Dude, I don't give a flying fuck
about any of this gossipy bullshit.
- You're not into teen drama?
- No, because I am an adult.
And I like adult stories, like a sexual
psychological thriller, you know?
This has no weight to it.
Well, this has been fun catching up.
- [DEE] Yeah.
- We're done? Okay.
Yeah. Yeah, you know,
we should do this more often.
It's so hard to believe we haven't
seen each other since high school.
- Yeah.
- Well, since we were in high school.
- You were 30.
- Okay. Well, let's not do that, you know?
Time's all in your head, Tammy.
And in your ass, apparently.
- She's just making a joke. You look great.
- It's true.
Well, if our son
ever comes back in here again,
can you please send him home?
Or at least not sell him alcohol?
Speaking of which. I assume you
will be picking up the tab, yeah?
'Cause they kind of hustled out of
here and you are legal guardians.
Yeah. I actually think that's a law.
I think you have to pick
up your child's tab if
Here. Let's go.
- You gave him way too much Okay.
- Now.
Oh, man.
- What a trip down memory lane, huh?
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- Trey looks good.
- Yeah, so does Tammy.
Yeah, sometimes I feel like she
might be the one that got away.
Hey, did you sense
something off between them?
Something was off, right?
It was all in the body language.
Yeah, there was a strain there, right?
Right?
There was a strain there.
God, that's hot.
- Is it?
- Married, forbidden lust.
- Uh-huh.
- Ooh.
I bet those two are just
screaming for some strange.
Yeah.
[CHARLIE] This is classic
Dee and Dennis stuff.
I think they're gonna try to
sleep with those two people
that don't want to
sleep with them at all.
It's probably gonna wind
up in a rape or a murder.
What?
Jesus Christ, man.
You know we can hear you?
I would never do that.
- Well
- [SIGHS] Don't tell her though.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
[DEE] This is very exciting.
I got a couple of bits planned,
- so just let me do my thing.
- Oh, you Don't do bits.
No, no. Trust me.
Dee, I think let's throw
'em off the scent at first.
- I don't see how that's gonna be possible
- [BELL RINGS]
- with all that cologne you're wearing.
- That's actually not a cologne.
No, that's a pheromone serum I heard
about on Rogan. Super cool, man.
It's like testicular fluid from, like,
a bull's prostate or something like that.
I know it sounds strange,
but it's scientifically proven
to intimidate males
and drive females wild.
Human females?
Focus, Dee. Stop. All right, listen.
Listen, once we get in there,
let's split off by gender, okay?
I'll have a man-to-man talk with Trey,
and you do, I don't know,
whatever it is that you females do
when you're alone with each other.
And then let's find an
excuse to split off again
- Uh, take a shit.
- Too gross.
Well, it's
A shit is all I can think about.
It's overwhelming,
the smell that's coming off of you.
The smell isn't coming off right to you.
It's a pheromonal thing
because you're my sister, okay?
If it was working on you,
then we'd have a real problem,
- wouldn't we?
- That would be bad. All right.
- Hey, Tammy. Hi.
- Tammy, we were just in the neighborhood,
so we thought we'd just
swing by and say hi.
- Yeah.
- Oh. Hello.
Are you expecting somebody else?
No, no. I was just wondering
what that smell was.
- Oh.
- I guess the lawn got fertilized. So
Oh.
No, I think maybe, you're
Maybe you're smelling
a cool spring breeze?
Perhaps some freshly hung laundry.
Did one of you step in dog shit?
- I don't think so.
- I know I didn't.
Okay, well, come on in.
Take your shoes off.
- [TAMMY] Jesus.
- No problem.
Don't. Just don't.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, dude. All right.
Thanks for coming over, man.
[GROANS] I need your
help with something.
- [SIGHS]
- Okay, w [SNIFFS]
That smell. Has Dennis been here?
I feel both intimidated and aroused.
Know what that is?
That's the old piss cans.
I haven't changed them in,
like, forever.
Is that why you asked me over here?
No. Look, remember when you said, like,
you wanted, like,
a sexual psychological thriller thing?
You were more into
those kind of stories.
You wanna sink your teeth
into something like that,
you know what I mean?
I got something for you.
I'm listening.
All right,
take a look around this place.
Something's missing. What is it?
- A vacuum.
- Stop. Come on, man. Be serious.
I am dead serious.
Buddy, how I don't get it.
I mean, how can you be so
obsessed with cleaning the bar
and yet you live in
all this piss and shit?
Dude, it's Frank.
- It's both of you.
- Will you stop? It's Frank that's missing.
Well, how is that
a psychological sex thriller?
Well, I don't know what it is,
but it's strange, you know what I mean?
Like, he didn't come home last night.
He hasn't been at the bar recently.
Like some of his stuff's missing,
you know?
I keep finding these, like,
weird piles of hair everywhere.
The piles of hair could be from any one
of the wild animals that
probably lives here.
Well, you gotta admit
it's kind of strange.
Well, I'm not exactly thrilled,
so it's not a thriller.
But it is a mystery, I'll give you that.
Okay, I'll bite.
Where do you and Frank go
when you're not together?
Well, if we're not together,
we don't go anywhere.
- Well, right now you're not together.
- Well, I'm here.
I recognize where you are.
What we're trying to do is
find out where Frank is.
- Oh. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
Uh, he could be anywhere, you know?
He could go under the bridge.
He goes there a lot.
- All right, we're getting somewhere.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I guess we gotta go
- Check under the bridge. All right, cool.
Yeah, you see?
You're pretty good at this.
- That rules out anything sexy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay, let's go.
- All right.
There he is.
I thought you were taking a shit.
No. Come on, don't be silly.
It's just the excuse I made to sort
of peel off and be alone with you.
You were in the bathroom for,
like, 20 minutes.
Yeah, I took a shit. But you know what?
That's your fault, mister.
Because you get things moving
inside me, you know?
- That's kind of gross.
- Okay. Listen,
I'm trying to take a shot here,
but you're making it hard.
Take a shot with what?
Like a suburban married drama,
you know? A little infidelity.
Okay. Look
If I'm being honest, uh, things
aren't great between me and Tammy,
- Ooh.
- like sexually-wise right now.
Maybe spicing things up
in the bedroom might help.
Yes. Okay, now you're talking.
Okay. All right, let me finish up this
laundry and then we can slip out of here.
You always do the laundry?
Yeah, and Tammy gets pissed
if I do it half-assed.
But I told her that
I'd pick some things up
at the supermarket
after I walk the dogs.
So, I could sneak out after lunch.
So you do the grocery shopping,
and you walk the dogs too?
- And the laundry?
- I do, yeah. Yeah.
- Do you do the dishes?
- I do.
Tammy makes all the money,
I don't know what to tell you.
But like, I got some things on the side.
I've been killing it
at fantasy football.
I gotta take a shit.
- Tammy, Tammy, Tammy.
- [CHUCKLES]
It's so great to be alone finally,
isn't it?
God, I swear there's a dead
animal in here somewhere.
- There's no dead animal in here.
- Might have to fumigate
- the entire house.
- Enough with the smells. Let's
Let's focus on the feelings.
- The feelings?
- Yeah, well, you're feeling trapped.
You're feeling depressed.
Life used to be so exciting,
and now it's dull and dreary.
Well, being married isn't the
easiest thing in the world.
I can only imagine.
I wouldn't know though.
Yeah, I live free. Like a wild beast.
Okay.
Maybe Trey's gotten a
little bit too complacent.
Maybe old Tammy needs to take a
page out of young Tammy's notebook.
What are you talking about?
Let's bang and make Trey jealous.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, God. That's what this is about?
Yeah.
I'm not gonna bang you.
- Well
- Uh-uh.
I have to take a shit.
- [DENNIS SIGHS]
- Trey's a pussy.
- I couldn't do it.
- Yeah, I couldn't do it either.
Tammy was all over me,
but I found the whole thing boring.
You know why? Because it's adult drama.
That's why it's boring.
Teen drama is exciting
'cause everything's brand-new.
Adult stuff's just the same thing
over and over and over and over.
Yeah. See, teen drama's forged in lust.
Adult drama's forged in sadness.
So sad. He was folding the laundry.
- What?
- He does that every day.
- She should be doing that.
- Of course she should.
You know what else?
He goes grocery shopping.
What? Why?
- Because he's a pussy like I said.
- Oh. Okay.
Well, let's get out of here
'cause I do have to take shit for real.
Not me.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
I'm actually getting a little
worried about Frank, man.
All right, well, don't get melodramatic.
This isn't a soap opera.
Why do they call 'em that?
There's no soap involved.
- And no singing.
- Right? Nothing operatic about it.
No, not sure. Either way,
it's not the kind of mystery we want.
You see, we want a rising tension
to make the comedy or tragedy
feel more satisfying in the end.
The wha The tragedy?
Yeah. We don't know
what this is yet, Charlie.
Well, how would
a tragedy feel satisfying?
Well, okay. What if we came
down here and we found Frank
with a bullet in his
head and a suicide note?
- Not satisfying.
- Not satisfying. Very tragic.
However, there could be an
overall poetic sense of completion
to his inevitable story arc
due to Frank's historically
terrible life choices.
And somehow, as a viewer,
- I would feel satisfied by the
- There would be a subconscious
Yeah, that's not
gonna work for me at all, man.
What the hell are you talking about,
dude?
- Well, it's the hero's journey.
- There he is.
[CHARLIE] Cricket. Hey, man.
Shit. What's good, baby? What's popping?
What's with the, uh,
dreadlocks and the voice you're doing?
Oh. Yeah no, ain't no voice, baby.
I'm just evolving right down here
under the bridge, you know what I mean?
Just trying to spread my business
to a more diverse clientele,
- you know what I mean?
- [MAC] No. I don't feel you, no.
I feel like this is not cool.
Like, is this a good plot twist?
- What is this?
- This is
There's nothing good about this.
This is giving me the ick.
Yeah, this is just
I feel like we're dancing around
a very dangerous line here.
You know, just having, like,
a white guy talking like, you know,
"What it is, man?"
Is not I'm just doing Cricket.
- I'm just doing Cricket. Right?
- We're not supposed to do it.
We're past it as a society.
It's okay for the detective
to make fun of the suspect.
Hold up. Why y'all saying suspect?
Am I a suspect?
Well, we don't know what you are yet,
do we, Cricket?
If this got something to do with
that john who got his dick bit off,
I don't know shit, all right?
I wasn't there, and I didn't see shit.
And I don't know
where the dick is, okay?
- You bit a dude's dick off, man?
- No, I didn't bite it. No, no.
They take the dick,
and I don't know what they do with it,
and I don't ask, okay?
- Who's they?
- Who's they?
It doesn't matter 'cause I don't
know shit, and I'm not talking.
I'm gonna blow past this,
especially 'cause I feel uncomfortable
with you talking like this.
Where's Frank?
Whoa.
- Now, that I really can't talk about.
- Why not?
Well, he made me sign an NDA,
so this cricket ain't chirping.
An NDA? That's good. That brings
us right back around to a mystery.
- How's that good, dude?
- It means there's a paper trail.
Cricket, do you have a copy of this NDA?
Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.
Stop with this, dude. Stop.
I'm gonna kick the shit out of you, man.
- Don't step to me.
- [CHARLIE] Okay, all right.
- All right, I won't. I won't, but
- [MAC] Don't step to him.
I need to know where Frank is, bro.
All right. You know
You know Goddamn, fine.
I'll give you this,
but then your Marian the Librarian ass
has gotta roll up out of here.
Man, y'all blowing up my spot.
- What is Marian the Librarian?
- The Music Man. Know your culture.
I feel so uncomfortable
with this whole thing.
"Matthew Mara is hereby
barred from any communication
about Frank Reynolds
or Frank will sue his ass."
Well, that doesn't help us at all, dude.
Yes, it does. Look who his lawyer is.
- Who?
- Jack Kelly, attorney-at-lawyering.
Okay, you're sure this wouldn't
be better to handle at my office?
You have an office?
That in itself is a mysterious twist.
No, he doesn't.
He's talking about my mom's basement.
I have a filing cabinet and a computer.
You have a filing cabinet
until the FBI comes.
[STAMMERING]
It's so annoying we
got to go through him.
- [JACK] Okay, all right.
- What is the deal with Frank and this NDA?
He's been getting some
of his affairs in order.
What does that mean, his affairs? What's
going on with him? Where is the guy?
Okay, well, he passed info to me,
but I only have permission
to show Charlie.
Why?
Well, because he's the one listed as
the president of Frank's foundation.
Okay. Well, this is news to me.
I'm sorry, what foundation?
Yeah, and what's my role
in the foundation?
Um
Well, I'm not seeing you
listed anywhere in here.
That's impossible. Frank's always
talking about me, isn't he?
And how I should be more
involved in his affairs.
I'm gonna tell Charlie,
and then after I leave,
he can tell you if he likes.
This is bullshit.
Charlie, there's gotta be
room for me in the foundation.
I don't know. You know,
there's a lot to think about
now that I'm president,
you know what I mean?
I gotta find Frank.
I gotta find out what I'm president of.
You know, these are big decisions.
They're kinda over your head, man.
Yeah. All right,
I'm gonna pass the info to you, okay?
- Whoa! I didn't sign off on that maneuver.
- [MAC LAUGHS]
Charlie, we've got an address.
Yeah,
but I didn't sign off on that, man.
I needed to be able
to do my job, all right?
This is my job, getting the information,
getting the facts.
This is thrilling. What is this?
Uh, it seems like we've transitioned
into a bit of a political thriller.
Ah.
I like those. Needs a chase scene.
You wanna chase me around the apartment?
- No, we're not gonna do that
- [MAC] I don't wanna be in that movie.
with you, Uncle Jack.
Well, I banged her.
- [DEE] What?
- Yeah.
- Who? Tammy?
- No, uh, Tammy's son's prom date.
- Kerry Bitaberry?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was going for that forbidden
teen drama thing, you know?
I convinced her that Trey Jr.
cheated on her,
and the only way she could get
back at him was to sleep with me.
- [GROANS]
- [CHUCKLES]
Gross.
Yeah, and you know what?
It was kinda gross, but probably
not for the reasons you're thinking.
It was gross because she
wasn't satisfying to me.
- [GASPS]
- She didn't know any moves, you know?
I tried to teach her, but she
wouldn't listen to any of my commands.
- Can you believe this?
- [GASPS]
Yeah, and now she's blowing up
my phone, you know?
She made me a playlist, like
We don't have a song.
How could we have a song together?
We listen to no music whatsoever.
The whole thing was done in silence.
Except for the noises that I was making.
- Stop.
- What's grossing you out?
- The fact that she wasn't satisfying me?
- The fact that she's a child.
No, she's not a child.
- She's 19 years old, I checked.
- Still a teen.
Well, she has to be a teen. I thought
we were doing a Romeo and Juliet thing.
Juliet was not banging an old man.
Dee, you know what? Just stop.
I think the fact that she
was 19 is actually the reason
why Trey and Tammy didn't
want their son dating her,
because she was robbing the cradle.
You know?
- Okay, all right.
- Why are you so grossed out by this?
- You know what? I gotta go.
- Where are you going?
I gotta go bang Trey Jr.
Why?
Because we're doing a
thing and I gotta win.
All right.
His address is a storage unit.
You think he's in there?
I don't know, man.
Yeah, this could be, like,
the secret headquarters of
the foundation or something.
That seems more like a
James Bond spy thing.
- That doesn't really fit.
- I don't know, dude.
The foundation's got
a lot of international stuff happening.
You don't even know
what the foundation is.
- Got it. Sixty-nine. Sixty-nine.
- Well, of course.
- [MAC] No Frank.
- Yeah.
What is this? "Toys for the foundation.
Ship to Africa."
I told you we had international dealings,
you know what I mean?
Africa is a big market for us, you know?
We do a lot of, you know,
trading of in the toy sector.
You know, don't even ask
too many questions about it.
It's, like, annoying how much
you're prying me about trying
to be in the foundation.
Let's see what's in here.
I mean, like,
maybe I can finagle you like a
like an entry level position, but I can't
just put you on the board or
What am I looking at here? What is this?
"Rhino."
These are dick pills, man. Jesus.
All right, well it took a sexual turn.
That's kind of interesting.
What is he doing in here
with the dick pills?
What's on the tape? What is this about?
[MAC] I don't know.
Should we watch it? I don't want to.
Yeah, I'm a little concerned
about what I might see here.
I think you got to shield your
eyes because he's most likely,
almost definitely,
for sure gonna be naked and fucking.
Let's just hit play and let's
just see what it's about.
- Okay, we'll just Yeah, okay.
- [CHARLIE] Let me know if he's got his
Hey, I'm Frank.
I've had a few great loves in my life.
I lost one to racial injustice.
Another one OD'd.
Lost a wife to a botched neck job,
but that's a whole other story.
But I haven't had a love in my
life for a long time, you know?
And I'm not sure how long
I can go on without it.
[LIGHTING STRIKING, TAPE GLITCHING]
- That's it?
- I don't know.
Looks like he taped over
some old Highlander episodes
- and ran out of tape.
- He always does that.
He forgets where the tape
What is this, man?
What's he doing? I don't get it.
He's doing a lot of dick pills,
'cause these are all empty.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit, dude.
That's not good.
Frank always said he wanted his dick and
his heart to explode at the same time.
Dude, did he kill himself?
If he did, he did it hard as a rock.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
Knock, knock.
Jesus Christ. You are a boy.
Sorry, you are a lot younger
than I than I remember.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
In my head you looked
a bit more like a man,
but boy, are you not.
You're a kid. You're a kid.
- How in God's name did Dennis do this?
- Do what?
I'm trying to beat my brother.
You wouldn't get it.
- Are you the lady from the bar?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's just power through and
get to the hot part, right?
So sex. Sex.
You are inexperienced and sex is exciting
and maybe a little nerve-wracking.
The kids at my school have been
sleeping with each other for a decade.
I don't need your whole backstory.
You are 18, right?
I don't wanna be mean,
but my granny isn't that
much older than you.
- Your granny?
- Yeah.
Um, I will have you know I went
to high school with your mom. So
She said when she was in
high school you were 40.
- I was 30.
- What's the difference?
Ten years! Ten years is the diff
Listen to me, you little shit.
Dennis slept with your prom date.
Oh, yeah. Does that make you sad?
Do you wanna suck your thumb,
little boy? I gotta go.
Well, you win, Dennis. I couldn't do it.
So it wasn't really a
win-lose thing maybe.
Of course it was, all right.
But to be very clear,
the kid wanted to,
I just am not a criminal.
I'm not a criminal either.
Kerry Bitaberry is 19 years old.
The only crime here is Kerry Bitaberry's
inability to satisfy a lover.
Well, then I probably did Trey Jr.
a favor by telling him.
Yeah, I guess
Wait, what? You told him?
Yeah, I told him.
He took it pretty hard.
It was juicy. I think he's gonna
try and fight you after school.
Although, watching a grown man
be pummeled by a kid in his prime
is more sad than dramatic,
if I'm being honest.
Goddamn it, Dee.
Why'd you tell him? I mean, that's
two local teens attempted suicide
when they drove off the
Strawberry Mansion Bridge.
Fortunately,
the teens survived the crash,
although both sustained injuries and
will be likely severely disfigured.
Oh
Well, I could definitely kick his
ass now, right? He's all jacked up.
Wha What?
You're not gonna make me feel bad
about this, okay? I don't feel bad.
I don't feel anything.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Guys, we got a problem.
Frank took all his dick pills.
- [DENNIS SIGHS]
- Oh.
- He's gonna commit suicide.
- He's gonna commit suicide.
Yeah, yeah. 'Cause his penis is
[DEE] Hey, speaking of suicide.
Dennis almost killed
a couple of teenagers.
Yeah, they drove off a bridge,
but they're still alive.
Who? Kerry Bitaberry and Trey Jr.?
- [DEE] That's them.
- You bet.
- That's classic Dennis.
- Come on, man.
Maybe teen drama does have some weight
to it 'cause that's like a tragedy.
Uh, well I mean,
it's really only a tragedy if they die.
You know, if they're just,
like, mangled and stuff,
then I think it's nothing.
It's not anything.
- You know, maybe a horror film?
- All right, well, we're still in a mystery
- 'cause Frank is missing.
- [DEE] Uh, guys
- one of Philadelphia's own has been
- I think I found him.
selected to be the
next Golden Bachelor.
Local businessman and philanthropist,
Frank Reynolds is looking for love.
Frank's Global Youth Foundation
brings joy to needy children.
I want to share that joy with someone
I can spend the rest of my life with.
Seems like a great guy.
We hope you find true love, Frank.
We'll be rooting for you.
Well, that's what you call a plot twist.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]