It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s17e08 Episode Script

1
My name is Frank.
I've had a great life, a family,
lots of friends, adventures,
but I'm ready for a change.
One last shot at finding true love.
I'm hoping this is it.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you. Hi.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you and good evening,
Bachelor nation.
I'm Jesse Palmer, and welcome
to The Golden Bachelor season finale.
Of course, we are coming to
you live from Los Angeles
as Frank's journey to
find the love of his life
comes to a dramatic conclusion.
Now admittedly,
the crew nor the producers were prepared
to host a Bachelor as eccentric
as Frank Reynolds.
In fact, this is the first
season in Bachelor history
where we considered ending the
entire franchise altogether.
But, boy, are we glad we didn't,
because Frank captured our hearts,
and tonight is the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Will Frank find true love again?
All I can say is that you'll
have to see it to believe it.
So let's take a look back
at the season's highlights
where Frank started in
a very different place
than where we find him today.
[AUDIENCE CHEER]
Let's get this show on the road.
Can't wait to find a Grade A,
prime cut piece of [BLEEP].
To love.
Frank, admittedly, was a little rougher
around the edges than we're accustomed to.
[LAUGHS] All right,
so where are all the broads?
I dropped a couple of blueys.
This baby's got about a half hour
to perform like, pew,
and then that's it. So, let's hurry up.
Okay, the first car is arriving now.
Okay, all right, good. The first car.
Oh, my God, I'm getting a chubby.
Look at this. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Ooh. Here it comes.
I'm anticipating this
Oh, let's see, yeah.
- Uh, nope.
- Excuse me?
- No. No. Nope.
- [JESSE] Frank, Frank.
[FRANK] Pass, pass, pass, it's a pass.
You can walk by. You can keep on going.
Just walk on by. That's it.
Next, next, next. Bring the next one in.
- Uh-uh.
- Frank.
No, no. Absolutely not.
No, no. Pass on. Next.
Let's go to the next one.
Next one, this is not working out.
What's going on?
Frank, there's a time for this.
It's just not right now.
All right, bring the next one on,
bring the next one on.
I'm starting to get nervous.
What do we got?
Holy Oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, pass, pass, pass.
Are all these whores gonna be this old?
Why did I do this?
I don't know what's the matter with me.
What the [BLEEP] did I do?
Everyone that got out of the car,
I mean, they were, like, crackling.
I mean, you could hear their
[BLEEP] crackling.
[IMITATES CRACKING]
- It was like, just, old meat.
- Frank,
honestly, you didn't understand
the premise of this show?
Well, I knew there would be
a couple of duds,
but I thought you Hollywood
people were all about diversity.
Well, there's gonna be women
of every ethnicity here.
Age. Diversity of age.
Frank, the show's called
The Golden Bachelor.
[STAMMERS] Golden Bachelor,
my [BLEEP].
I'm [BLEEP] out of here
unless I find something
coming out of that car that I like.
[SCOFFS] You gotta do something.
- You ever watch TikTok?
- Yeah, of course.
Well, you ever
you ever hear of Cock Chewa?
- Cock Chewa?
- Cock Chewa
[JESSE] And so in a series
of Golden Bachelor firsts,
we caved into Frank's demands.
I saw this trash on TikTok.
Her name was Cock Chewa.
Her catchphrase was,
"Chew on that thang."
I had to have her.
My heart's beating a mile a minute.
Let's see what happens.
Oh, oh, oh.
What's coming out? [GASPS]
Oh! It's her. That's her.
[GIGGLES] That's her!
- Hey, y'all! [LAUGHS]
- [FRANK LAUGHS]
- Chew on that thang.
- Chew on that thang!
- Chew on that thang.
- [FRANK] Okay. She's it. She's the one.
- Wait, what? What?
- [FRANK] I picked her.
- Yeah, she's it. Okay, that's it.
- [JESSE] Wait, what?
- I choose her. Yes.
- I get paid for this, right?
Yeah, the game's over. We can take her.
No, no, no, Frank.
It's only the first episode, okay?
We have to go through
this whole process,
otherwise there can't be a show.
- [STAMMERS] All right, well, you get paid.
- Yeah.
It's the first night,
so you're gonna have
to wait a little while
- to chew on that thang.
- Chew on that thang.
- [LAUGHS] Chew on that thang.
- Okay, let's just keep it moving here.
Oh, baby, am I boned up.
Okay, here let's go.
Okay. Okay.
All right.
Oops, I thought you said we
were done with the old ones.
Uh, hi. Very nice to see you,
you know. But no.
- But no. Okay, so anyway, pass.
- Oh.
But, you know,
go on inside and keep warm.
I'll get you out of here ASAP.
You're kidding me.
This cretin is the bachelor?
I got better looking boils.
[CACKLES] That was a good one.
You got me there. You got me there.
Well, maybe I'll keep this one
around just to entertain me.
She got me with that That was very
She's good.
Let's lump her in with the other one.
We'll see how it goes.
That was funny. She was pretty funny.
Oh. Oh. What's this?
I thought I said no dudes.
Oh, I have an Amazon Prime
delivery for a, uh, Frank Reynolds.
- Oh, Frank Reynolds, that's me.
- Okay.
Yeah, that's me.
Oh, yeah, this Thank you.
Oh, my, my, that was so fast.
Amazon Prime deliveries are so fast.
Frank, what are you doing?
You can't bring your own plugs.
Yeah I No, we No plugs.
Their items are very meaningful to me.
I am fired up about Chewy. That's
a broad I could spend my life with.
And the other one's good too.
They both got mouths on 'em.
One's an on-ramp, one's an off-ramp.
I'm leaning toward the 20-year-old.
Since Frank had already
chosen his final two,
we had to get creative with
the situations we put them in.
[FRANK] So, uh, where you from?
Gang, gang. [LAUGHS]
Chew, chew. [GNAWS]
[IMITATES BABY CRYING]
Gang, gang. Gang. Gang, gang.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] That's a butthole.
Thank you, y'all. Thank you.
[STAMMERING] What's that?
What are you doing?
I'm making money on a live stream.
- Huh?
- Gang, gang. [GRUNTS]
- [IMITATES DOG]
- You're making
- [GRUNTING]
- So, uh, yeah, yeah, hmm.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [STAMMERS]
- Well, what kind of music do you like?
- Thank you.
[GNAWING]
[FRANK] The conversation
was a little rough.
I didn't know what the hell
she was doing with the phone.
I guess people pay her
to respond to emojis?
I was losing my patience.
[IMITATING BABY CRYING] Gang, gang.
Chew, chew. Chew. [GNAWS]
Look, if we don't bang soon,
I'm gonna boot you off the show.
- Well, that worked like a charm.
- All right.
[FRANK] We banged
three times that night.
And on some kind of
OnlyFans live stream thing.
Made 12 grand. It was incredible.
Except for the chewing. [HUFFS]
That was weird as hell.
I-I thought it was more of a catch
phrase than an actual method. [GNAWING]
Where the [BLEEP] is he?
- Wow. I'm sorry I'm late.
- Oh, hey.
I had to dump out big time. [SCOFFS]
Oh, well, that makes two of us.
Just got here myself.
Took the liberty of ordering
us the seafood linguine.
- Oh. Strong choice. I like that.
- [CHUCKLES] Uh-huh.
- Yeah? [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, yeah.
So Hmm. Mm-mmm.
What now?
Ah. Well
we could get the linguine to go,
go back to your place.
I would say we bang at my place,
but I don't want you
hanging around after.
- You get it.
- What makes you think I'm gonna bang you?
All right, we bang after dinner.
[STAMMERS]
- Eh, make love.
- Hmm.
Yeah. So what's your deal?
Were you ever married?
If you must know.
[SIGHS] My husband's dead.
You knock him off?
They say he got chomped
in two by a great white
while he was snorkeling
off the coast of Maine.
Ooh, wicked.
Personally, I think he was
smuggling drugs down from Canada,
got chainsawed by some cartel.
They only found the bottom half.
Nasty.
Mmm. Nasty business.
Did you keep the dong?
Of course I did.
I had it pickled and put in a jar.
- Yeah.
- Wow
That's what I would have wanted.
- Hmm.
- Wow. Beautiful.
Hmm.
[FRANK] I have to say I
enjoyed the conversation.
We talked all night, didn't even bang.
Which is probably better because my
cock was chewed to [BLEEP].
So Frank was left with a dilemma.
Who was he gonna choose?
And for that he turned to his family.
But in a bizarre turn of events,
the producers learned that his
family was not his family at all.
- He had hired actors to play them.
- [AUDIENCE GASP]
These people are maniacs.
You don't understand.
I was afraid they were gonna
embarrass me on national television.
So Frank was concerned that his
real family would embarrass him.
It was time to go to his hometown:
Philadelphia.
The birthplace of our nation.
Could it be the
birthplace of a new love?
Things were off to a rocky start.
I was terrified to have Sam
and Chewy meet the gang.
But I have to admit,
they played it really cool.
Well, here we are.
I'm so excited to see Frank.
Oh, I'm just excited to meet the ladies.
If Frank likes them, I'll like them.
Wonder where they are. [CHUCKLES]
I, too, am feeling things.
Well, speak of the dev
[STAMMERS] Uh, speak of Frank.
[CHUCKLES]
- Hello.
- [CHUCKLES] Hi. Hi.
- [SIGHS] Well, here we are.
- [DEE] Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
I was really nervous that
you guys were gonna be mad
about the whole fake family thing.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY, SIGHS]
- Frank, forget it, huh?
- Oh, no. Please, we get it.
- I don't care.
- You were nervous.
- Yeah.
- I'm passed that.
Yeah, I want you to know how happy
we are for both of you and for Frank.
- Well, thank you.
- We just want what's best for everyone.
- [DEE] That's right.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, Frank, should we take your dates
and get to know them a little better?
Oh.
- Okay. Uh, all right. Play nice.
- [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES] Play nice.
- [LAUGHS] Well, we always play nice.
- He's a funny guy, right?
- He's so funny.
- A joker.
Okay, listen, bitch.
You are not getting the money.
Yeah, you're too old to have a baby.
And if you try and adopt,
so help me God,
we will snuff that thing
out like a cigarillo.
- Hmm.
- [WHISPERS] You're on television.
- [SCOFFS, CHUCKLES]
- Please.
I think we all know Disney's
never gonna air this.
- No, but you will have heard it.
- [SAM] What?
So listen to me and listen good.
You are not getting our money.
I have my own money.
You do?
Explain yourself.
I got chicken money
and plenty of it too.
So whatever Frank's got,
he can just keep it.
I made my own fortune
on the backs of others.
I don't need to be pulling it
out of an old man's pocket.
- Chicken money.
- Chicken money, huh?
The chicken money comment was
a bit of a relief, you know?
- Not that I trust her.
- Well, no, that's true.
We're not really the trusting kind,
you know?
But if she does have this so-called
"chicken money",
then we wouldn't mind, uh
[SMACKS LIPS] Wetting our beaks.
Did you see that?
I didn't have to say it.
She-She walked right into it.
Dee's a bird.
[MAC] Uh [STAMMERS] Chewy.
May I call you Chewy?
- Yeah.
- Chewy, we are a vibe.
And we need to know how
you're gonna fit in.
You know,
I think it's important that whoever
we bring into the fold
fits with our dynamic.
Oh, I love the gays.
I'll chew on that thang.
That doesn't make any sense.
Moreover, it sickens me.
[STAMMERS] What is this?
How is this gonna work?
Like, there's no room
for you on my couch, man.
- There's just not.
- Okay. Well, we have to pick one, Charlie.
I don't want to pick one.
I don't understand why Frank did this.
If he was unhappy,
why didn't he come to me?
You ruined this, okay? I need it
to go back to the way that it was.
Well,
he's not gonna just chew on that thang.
- Whatever y'all want.
- [SIGHS, STAMMERS] What does that mean?
Why does she keep saying it?
- [GNAWING]
- I'd seen all I needed to see.
I mean, we-we couldn't run
the risk of one of these women
becoming a major player in our lives.
[SIGHS]
We need to bring in
someone Frank might go for,
but who we know we can control. [SIGHS]
A woman with no personal ambitions
but who Frank could also bang.
- [GLASS CLINKS]
- Guys, I believe I have the first line.
- Uh, announcement.
- Announce. Just an announcement.
- It's just a natural conversation.
- Yes.
- He just has to talk first.
- Welcome to Mac and Dennis's apartment.
- Well, you're Mac.
- I'm Mac.
- Well, he's just welcoming.
- Yeah.
This is Dennis,
and this is our apartment.
- Yes.
- And we do a lot of hosting.
- That's right.
- And we are not a couple.
- No.
- But our living arrangement is
- perfectly age appropriate.
- [CHARLIE KELLY] But he is gay.
- Well, he is gay.
- Well [GRUNTS] Goddamn it.
And I am gay.
Uh, I believe I may have snapped at
Dennis and hit him a little bit
- Yeah, a little bit too hard.
- too hard.
And also the fact that you're
gay is inconsequential because
- It's playful.
- Yes.
that's gonna make it
sound like maybe I'm not.
- [LAUGHS] Chew on that thang.
- What?
She's not supposed to say that, right?
Is that it? That's all she can say?
- The vocab is limited.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- I'ma barf on it.
- What?
- What?
[MAC] That's not your line.
- What are you What are you doing?
- [SAM] What is she
Ah. It's kind of a catchphrase
that I do, you know what I mean?
- She's kidding. You're kidding.
- Barf on that thing, y'all.
- [LAUGHS] That's playful.
- [SAM] Oh, no.
- Well, no, no, no.
- [COUGHING]
Should I have a catchphrase?
I don't approve of this union.
Let's keep this evening
about Frank, okay?
And not have We don't have
Nobody has any catchphrases.
We-we're just
Uh, I'm gonna raise a toast Um
to these two wonderful women
and to an impossible choice.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- Oh.
- My, my. Who could that be?
- Oh. What's this?
Goddamn it.
[SIGHS]
Hey Oh, Miss Ms. Kelly.
- Mom.
- My God. Well, what brings you here?
To be a slut and to marry Frank.
That was
- Oh.
- [LAUGHING]
Really? Oh, good.
Dennis, did you put her up to this?
What do you mean? She just came over.
Already I have to deal with
two sluts and now a third?
- [GRUNTS, COUGHS]
- Start over, Mac! Start over.
- [SCREAMING]
- [OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[BLEEP] yeah!
Now the stakes were even higher
with a third woman in the mix,
but luckily for Frank,
he'd have the fantasy suites
to help him make up his mind.
This was the hardest decision
of my life. What's the order?
Do I go Chewy first and work
my way to Bonnie through Sam?
Or do I run the risk of being
gnawed to a stump and have to heal?
I was feeling so many things.
And then, I had an idea.
Frank, there is no way Disney
is ever gonna go with that.
It's what I want.
No, Frank, we have to stagger them.
[FRANK] I'll handle that once
we're in the middle of it.
Look, you wanna join us?
I don't love it,
but no eye contact and we're good.
All right. Let's go ahead. Let's go.
Ha! Let's go, ladies.
We're gonna do kind
of a group situation.
Why don't you just come this way?
- There you go. There you go.
- Yeah.
- O-Okay, listen to me, Frank.
- Hey.
I'm no prude, right?
I mean, I was in the navy, right?
I took a whole destroyer
full of torpedoes, you know?
[CHUCKLES] That's pretty funny, Sam.
Yeah, but here's the thing:
I feel like I'm ready to settle down
and, you know [LAUGHS]
- I got feelings for-for-for you, Frank.
- You do?
Yeah, you know. Ain't that something.
I-I gotta tell you a little story,
right?
Well, I'm kind of on the clock here,
you know?
Yeah, okay.
When I was a little girl,
I shortened my name to
Sam and I told everybody,
"Ooh,
I-I really liked that so much better,"
but I didn't.
I-I just thought that Samantha,
that's-that's too long for anybody to say.
So-So I changed my name,
Frank, because I thought
that nobody would care enough to
take the time to say the whole thing.
Oh, my God. Stupid, huh? [LAUGHS]
Well, you were a kid. [STAMMERS]
I lived my whole life that way.
And when I was busy pretending
to be somebody that I wasn't,
you were living your life
being exactly who you are.
I just love that about you, Frank.
And I kind of thought it was
too late for me, but then,
you've shown me that it's never too late
to find your heart.
And your voice.
And your name.
I think I'm falling in love
with you, Frank.
Yeah, I-I don't want to ruin that.
So, you know, I'm not going in there.
I'm-I'm gonna go.
[JESSE] Sam had struck a chord.
And now Frank had an even
tougher decision to make.
Just what was he going to do?
Yeah, I mean, I took a shot, right?
[CHUCKLES]
And I-I think he's feeling
the same things I am.
At least, I hope so, right? [LAUGHS]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
[SAM] Yeah.
[CREW MEMBER] What's it say?
Look, as much as Dennis
wanted Frank to pick Bonnie,
we all knew he was gonna go
with the 20-year-old, so
I devised that prank to
make sure she was cool.
The prank is this,
when they fly us out there, we set off
one of those elephant toothpaste
bombs in the mansion. [CHUCKLES]
And then, if she likes it, she's in.
- [STAMMERS] What the hell is that?
- What is that?
Oh. It's-It's like a chemical reaction.
Check it out.
- Cool, huh?
- [DENNIS] Oh. Yeah.
This is a good idea though, Mac.
I could work with this.
- Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
- Okay.
So Frank was concerned that his
real family would embarrass him.
Well,
we've got them here with us tonight.
How do you guys feel about that?
[AUDIENCE SCREAM, GASP]
Well
The situation [STRAINS, GASPS]
under the circumstances
is quite understandable.
Our appearance may seem gruesome,
but all can be quite easily explained.
[STRAINING] Oh. Indeed.
- [CHARLIE KELLY] Yeah.
- Indeed.
As you can tell,
our voices have also been affected,
creating an unintentionally
sinister tone.
- So, where did things go wrong, guys?
- Well
[STRAINING] There seems to
have been a miscalculation.
- Our hubris got the best of us.
- Nonsense.
There was no mix-up in the laboratory,
no [GASPS] neglect of the pH balance.
It was my jealousy of these women
that drove me to
surreptitiously add 20 gallons
- of Nair hair removal into the concoction.
- [AUDIENCE GASP]
Wait, wait, you did what?
You wear short shorts
If you dare wear short shorts Nair for ♪
Yeah, we know the product.
You're familiar with it?
Do you guys know the song?
- Yes, we know the goddamn song.
- Yes.
Uh. Okay, okay, okay, that's just
We're gonna stop right there.
Uh. So with no help from
his family whatsoever,
Frank is now left with the most
important choice of his entire life.
And on that final night he
had to make that choice alone.
Ooh.
Frank, it's the final rose.
This is it. So who will you choose?
Will it be Bonnie or Sara?
Who the hell is Sara?
You actually thought that the
woman's birth name was Cock Chewa?
Oh. Never gave it much thought.
America is waiting.
Frank, who are you gonna give it to?
Well, Bonnie,
you are a dirty, dirty slut.
Thank you, Frank.
And you're old as hell.
But-But I gotta be honest,
you bone me up like nobody else.
So it's really hard not to choose you.
Chewy, I gotta be honest,
I don't like the teeth.
I-I never understood the chewing thing.
I mean, people like that?
Chew on that thang?
It's weird as hell.
It hurts, your chomping on it.
- I mean, it's like [GNAWS]
- [GNAWING]
You go deep, deep, deep.
[GNAWS] The bottom? Oh.
I may never recover from that. [SIGHS]
But I gotta say,
you are so goddamn hot.
It is hard not to choose you.
I gotta make a decision.
I gotta make a decision.
And
my decision is
[FRANK] Sam!
Sam! Sam, where are you?
Sam!
Sam!
Sam!
Samantha! Samantha!
[SAM] Frank.
- Frank.
- Saman Oh.
Samantha, don't get on that bus.
I'm a jerk. I'm an idiot.
But most of all I'm a coward.
I-I didn't let you go
because I didn't like you.
I-I got rid of you because
I like you too much
and it scared the shit out of me.
I'm just like you, Samantha.
But together,
we don't have to be afraid.
Would you accept this
rose and be my wife?
Frank,
I will.
[CHUCKLES]
[MS. KELLY] Be strong, Bonnie.
Be strong for your
little gingerbread man.
- Bonnie?
- [CHUCKLES]
How do you guys know each other?
- This is my date.
- Yeah.
One. Two. Three. [SIGHS]
- Why are you doing everything in threes?
- So Charlie doesn't die.
Show us on the doll.
Show you what?
Where he touched you.
I don't want a dog
to eat my face, Charlie.
She doesn't want a dog eating her face.
Oh. Sorry.
You!
- [CHARLIE KELLY CHUCKLES] Hey.
- Merry Christmas.
- I'm so excited. It's almost Christmas!
- I'm so excited!
I'll be in the kitchen making
gingerbread men for my gingerbread boy.