It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s18e02 Episode Script

1
[DENNIS] Wow, look at her.
[MORTICIAN] Seeing the deceased
can be difficult and disorienting.
Oh, sure. Yeah, no, absolutely.
But, you know, I was
more talking about the head.
Like, uh, great job
getting it back on, buddy.
- I mean, that's seamless.
- [DEE] Yeah.
- You're an artist, man.
- Oh, yeah.
Thank you. Yes, uh,
that was very challenging.
Uh, and must have been
very disturbing for you all.
Oh, didn't see it coming at all.
- I didn't love it.
- No, it was gross.
- Almost ruined the wedding for us.
- Yeah.
- I can imagine.
- [DENNIS] Yeah.
- Uh, well, I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Yeah, well
- And-And what, may I ask
- [DEE] Right.
- are your plans for the remains?
- Oh, was that on us?
- A p A plan.
- [DENNIS] I don't know.
There's not really much
we can do with her.
She's starting to turn, isn't she?
Honestly, if you wanna
just cram her into a trash can
or a dumpster, I don't know
what you do with them.
Just say have fun with it.
Honestly, do whatever you want.
- We don't care, know what I mean?
- No preference.
- You wanna toss her in a meat grinder?
- Oh, wow.
You could fire her out of a cannon
into the Delaware. That'd be fun.
- That sounds fun.
- [STAMMERS] I'm just having fun.
Whatever floats your boat,
you know what I mean?
Really, all we need is
the death certificate there.
- So, if you don't mind.
- Oh. Uh, yes.
- Ah, yes!
- Here you are.
- Okay, there it is.
- Boom! Done, dead! Yes!
- [CHUCKLES] We got it! Nice. Thank you.
- [DEE] We did it.
You're welcome.
- Hey, do you mind if I do the sliding?
- I'm sorry?
I just always wanted to do,
you know, the sliding thing,
where you slide the body in
and then you slam the door.
- Oh, uh, sure.
- [DEE] Yeah?
- That'd be great.
- Thank you.
- Assuming you want in on this. Come on.
- Are you kidding me? Of course.
Let's do it on three, yeah?
- Yeah. Okay.
- All right, ready?
- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.
[MORTICIAN] Oh. Oh.
- Boom! [LAUGHS]
- Did not disappoint. [SIGHS]
Dee, we are about to get rich.
[♪"TEMPTATION SENSATION" PLAYING]
Mom, home sweet home, huh?
Are you happy to be back?
Hey, Frank, the guys are saying
no to the 21-gun salute.
Oh, Sam would've wanted
to go out with a bang.
Come on, man.
We gotta find a middle ground
between my mom's funeral
and Sam's, right?
What's going on, guys?
[STAMMERS] Who are all these men?
Okay, yeah. So, the guys
in the fezzes are Shriners,
and the dudes working on the
house, those are mostly Mummers.
There's a couple VFW guys and a
few Elks Lodge types I think as well.
- [FRANK] Yeah. Yep.
- Why? What are they doing?
- It's for the funeral.
- Yeah.
Well, see, my mom was, like, super
active in the Philly's
men's group scene.
- She was a Mummer hummer.
- [SCOFFS] Stop. Stop.
But why are they all, like,
painting and hammering stuff?
Oh, 'cause I'm gonna sell the
house to pay for the funeral.
Sell it? No, what are
you talking about?
We talked about my mom moving back in.
- I know, but the budget's way up.
- The budget skyrocketed.
And I need the money to pay for the
clowns and to pay
for the musicians and
What kind of a funeral are
you talking about throwing?
Felt like I was just very clear
about this.
- Hey, Charlie. Where's Uncle Jack?
- Charlie!
Yeah, uh What's going on in here?
He's selling the house
to pay for the clowns, Dennis.
- To pay for the clowns.
- Well, not just for clowns.
The clowns are a part of the funeral.
I would love for you guys
to be a part of the funeral.
- We don't care about any of this.
- My God, Charlie.
We already helped you
throw a man over a cliff.
[DENNIS] Yes. We're
not gonna involve ourselves
in any of your macabre nonsense
any longer, okay?
Especially not some
clown-based funeral.
Oh, God. Clowns.
[MOCKINGLY] "I'm a sad clown."
But they're gonna throw my mom
out on the street.
I don't care. No moms, no
funerals. I say throw her wherever.
So Uncle Jack for us now.
- All we need is Jack.
- Find Uncle Jack.
Okay, I'd like
for you guys to relax, okay?
Did he say "relax"?
- He did.
- Did he say "relax"?
- Yes.
- I [GRUNTS]
Here's the thing about
telling someone to relax
Fine, calm down then.
[DENNIS] Oh, that [STAMMERS]
Just point us in the direction
of Uncle Jack, please.
Please, just Uncle
Please, just Uncle
Please tell us where Uncle Jack is.
- That's what we want.
- Guys, where's Uncle Jack?
He's in the basement.
Great! There it is.
That's all we needed to know.
God, that was [STAMMERS]
That wasn't that hard.
We're surrounded by poverty, Dee.
We're gonna go down to the basement.
Hold your breath though,
'cause you can catch it.
It's like a disease you can catch.
- We've got all the papers here.
- We've got all the papers.
We've got my agreement with Sam,
and then you have
Dennis's agreement with Sam,
the inheritance agreement
and the certificate of death.
Just give him the whole thing.
That's all for you and it's time
to transfer the money to us.
Now, is that going to be
a wire transfer
or is there like a vault
somewhere full of chicken money
that we could dive into and swim
around in like Scrooge McDuck.
- Oh, like Scrooge McDuck!
- Yes!
- Scrooge McDuck! Yeah
- I've always wanted to pull
This looks good. You got
everything in order here.
You got a thumbprint.
The only thing we need
is the marriage certificate.
Uh, what?
- Why do we need a marriage certificate?
- No. No, there's no need.
They got married.
We saw them get married.
- It was on TV. We all saw it.
- Yeah.
Yes, yes, we saw it, but, uh, I
need the official marriage certificate,
so I can prove they were actually
married. I mean, I have this.
- Oh, then that's it. That's the one.
- That's great. Use it.
Okay, uh, but see, this has
Frank's signature and thumbprint.
It doesn't have Sam's signature
or thumbprint.
I'm sorry.
I-I can't help you guys unless I
get a signed copy with a thumbprint.
- No! That can't be.
- [STAMMERS] It's okay, Dee.
- [JACK] Here you go.
- Can I just see the one that
Oh, j Oh, you know Oh, my God.
This is my Ah, fiddlesticks.
You know, I-I-I screwed this up.
- Did you?
- I screwed the pooch on this one.
Yeah, I botched it 'cause
I brought the wrong paperwork.
- You did?
- I have the marriage certificate
that has been signed and
thumbprinted by both of them.
- You do?
- I have it at my place.
And we're gonna go get it
and bring it back
- and all will be well in the world.
- Great.
- I got it. I have a plan.
- Uh-huh.
All right. Hey, hey, hey,
when you come back, can
you bring me a cup of water?
Charlie turned all the water
off down here.
- [DENNIS] Uh, water.
- Is that a yes?
[MAC] This is gonna work.
Dad always knew
exactly what to do in a jam,
and I think once he sees
your beautiful face,
he's gonna think of something quick.
Right. Uh, speaking of which,
um, I don't think
he's gonna do this for nothing,
so I was hoping maybe we could offer
him a conjugal visit for motivation?
No way.
Mommy, listen, we have to start
acting like a family again,
- otherwise this is not gonna work.
- [GROANS]
Dad, Dad, hi! Hi, Dad.
Hey, Dad. Dad. Dad. Hi, Dad. Yeah,
you have to put the phone to your
Dad, hi, how are you?
Um, it's been a minute
since we've seen
each other, um, you
know, since the dance.
You know, you
you walked out early on that,
so, um, just wasn't sure if you
had to, like, use the bathroom or
Did you like it?
No.
No. No. [CHUCKLES] But you knew
what I was going for, right?
[SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT, BLOWS]
[MAC] Oh. Express.
Um, we've got a problem.
Um [STAMMERS] it appears
that Charlie's mom died,
which means Mom is now
gonna be homeless.
And?
Well, and we were hoping
that you could help us out.
You see [SIGHS] Dennis
doesn't want Mom living with us
and Charlie is gonna sell the house
and then pay for
some kind of Mummer's funeral,
and, well, we were thinking that
in exchange for helping us out,
that maybe Mom could
give you a hand job.
Wait, wait, wait, shut up.
Sorry, if a hand job
is not your thing,
I'm sure Mom could do something
much more aggressive.
Bonnie is dead?
Well, yeah,
that's what I just said, yes.
And the Mummers
are throwing a funeral?
Yeah, but that
that's not the issue.
If you've gotten used to
a more sexual lifestyle
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
Take your mother to your uncle Donald.
Why? Why would I do that?
W-What's going on with Uncle Donald?
- I thought you didn't like him.
- I don't.
But we could use him.
This could be good.
[DENNIS] Hey, how you doing?
[CHUCKLES] Do you remember us?
Yes, I believe you're the people
who recommended I throw
your mother in the trash.
Oh, well, you know, we
said a lot of other things too.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, it was just a
suggestion. Yeah, yeah, it was one idea.
Yeah. Um, we we feel like we need
a little bit more time with the body
if that's okay with you.
We really rushed
our goodbyes the first time.
Yeah. Got a little excited and sort of
forgot the most
important part, you know.
Do you mind if we pop back in there?
And slam the door a bunch more times?
- [CHUCKLES] No. I mean, well
- [CHUCKLES] No, no.
- No.
- We did that.
- No, we're not gonna do that.
- 'Cause that door's all wonky now.
- Is it?
- Super wonky.
And those doors aren't cheap.
- It seems like maybe they are.
- We didn't know.
- No. Very, very expensive.
- Oh, wow, sorry about that.
Like I said, we got excited.
I get excited too. I get
excited, but I don't slam them.
I just gently close them.
Seems like a wasted opportunity.
Yeah, that's on you. [CHUCKLES]
- Can we go in there?
- One quick ask.
You don't want us to slam the
door. You're obsessing about that.
- [DENNIS] Yeah, I don't even want to.
- $60,000 door.
- [DENNIS] I honestly don't
- Whoa, that's a lot.
- It sure is. I got it out of my system.
- Just be careful.
- Don't know about you.
- Don't even want to slam it.
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
We're gonna slam the door.
- Oh, absolutely. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.
All right, Dee. Let's get this goddamn
thumbprint and get
the the hell out of here.
- Okay. How we gonna do that?
- Uh, with the ink pad.
We don't have an ink pad.
- You didn't bring one?
- You didn't tell me to.
All you said was, "Dee, I have
an idea." That's all you said.
I thought we were
just gonna get the thumb.
Get the thumb?
In case we need
to use it retroactively
for other documents or something.
- I don't know.
- [STAMMERS]
Well, now, see, that's
interesting. Dee, that is interesting.
Yeah, that's a good point.
You know what?
Yeah, slide the arm out, get the
thumb, and keep her face covered
'cause I don't wanna look
at her while you're doing it.
- Kinda gross.
- Right. No, I get that.
But let me just stop you 'cause
what I was envisioning was
you being the one who did the
snipping or the clipping of the thumb,
- because I don't have a tool to remove it.
- I don't have my tools.
Okay, but again, you didn't
tell me what the plan was, right?
- Right.
- There was no vocalization.
[SIGHS] Okay, I think I know
what happened here. [STAMMERS]
I'm so excited about being rich
and I'm so irritated with the
old patterns of poorness
and explaining my plans and my
wants and my needs and whatnot
- Yeah.
- that I'm skipping steps, Dee.
Yeah, well, people anticipate
the needs of rich people.
- That's what I'm saying.
- They do.
That's why I'm so irritated
because we shouldn't have to be
problem-solving anymore,
know what I mean?
Never again.
Okay, fine, I will get the
thumb, but moving forward
Oh, mark my words, when we need
thumbs, people will anticipate this,
and they will get thumbs for us
without the need of vocalizations.
- Absolutely, they'll just appear.
- Yeah.
[DEE] Okay, how are you
gonna take it off?
[DENNIS] Uh
Yeah, I don't know. I was thinking
I might [SIGHS] just, like,
wrench it back and forth a
bunch of times till it comes off.
- It's worth a shot.
- Right.
- Her head did, right?
- [DENNIS SCOFFS]
Yeah, it did just pop
right off, didn't it?
Okay, well, uh, you know, let's
hope let's hope that's how it goes.
- Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Okay, first one's gonna be
Right, so we're gonna restore
all the original hardwood floors.
They're under the rug here.
Uh, what am I missing?
- There's central heat and air.
- [FRANK] Charlie.
- Charlie, what do you think of that?
- Uh Hang on.
Could you guys give me one second?
Um, there's bedrooms upstairs.
You gotta go look at them.
And, guys, just let them through.
- Uh, what am I looking at here, Frank?
- It's a cannon.
It's all on theme with the circus and
the clowns and everything and whatnot.
- Okay. All right.
- It's a colorful cannon.
- [CHARLIE] That's good.
- [DEE] No! No!
Hey, real quick. What's your
take on a cannon at the funeral?
Are you still on this?
Begone with you both!
We don't have time
for this shit, Charlie!
We have the prints now and believe
you me, they were not easy to come by!
- It was an ordeal.
- It was awful!
Jack? Basement still? Yes? Basement?
Yes. I'm trying to flush him
out of there, but he
Silence!
We do not care about flushing
men from basements.
Stop talking.
I'm breathing in the poor.
[DENNIS SHUDDERS, GROANS]
So, cannon or no cannon?
- Yeah, cannon. Let's do it.
- Cannon!
It's a great idea, Frank.
[JACK] Uh-huh.
All right, got what you
needed there? Uh, all good now?
- Yeah.
- Well, it's a thumbprint.
- Yes, no shit. [CHUCKLES]
- Got you the thumbprint.
That's what you asked for.
So let's move this along.
Yeah. It's not the right thumbprint.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
What I'm saying is that this
is not her thumbprint at all.
Bullshit! You want to see the thumb?
Yeah. Do you want to see it?
Well, God, just shut up.
No. Right.
You can't see it because we
don't have it with us.
- That'd be crazy.
- Of course.
That is her thumbprint
though, Jack. I can assure you.
I-I'm not sure.
This pattern doesn't match
the other documents.
[DEE] Oh, damn it.
God, when I am rich
no one will question me!
These are problems for a poor person.
Hey, hey, did-did you get me
that cup of water?
Oh, my God! Drink out of the
toilet if you're so thirsty.
- Drink from the toilet!
- Jesus, poor people are so needy.
It is insufferable! [GROANS]
Dee, you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yeah, you ripped off the wrong thumb.
- I believe so. Yeah.
It's so nice to see you both.
Now, this is my finest rosé,
and I have a branzino in the oven.
I'll be right back.
Make yourselves at home.
I don't know. He's kind of
a dick, don't you think, Mom?
- Oh.
- What the fuck is this?
Yeah, that's pink wine,
so you're going to want to plug
your nose before you drink it.
The fish needs another ten.
So, you need a place to stay?
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Oh.
[CHUCKLING] Well, I
wonder who that could be.
I'll check it out.
Hello, Donald.
Luther?
Dad? You got out?
24-hour compassionate leave
to participate in Bonnie's funeral.
Thought I'd pop by for dinner.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
[MAC CHUCKLES]
Electric, huh?
My whole family reunited.
And an uncle, kind of an add-on.
Whatever happened between you two?
Your uncle and I, we had
a falling out over the Mummers.
He was angry that I wouldn't let
him join me in the organization.
I always wanted to be a Mummer,
march in the parades, do the
choreography, play the music. [CHUCKLES]
But, uh, your father, he frowned
upon people who shared my lifestyle.
But I was wrong, Donald.
I can see that now.
Prison has changed me.
Donald.
I'm sorry.
Oh. Well, I-I don't know what to say.
I I'm-I'm very moved.
I'm moved too.
I think this calls for dessert.
I made a crème brûlée.
I'll go get it.
[MAC] Great.
[SOFTLY] So, Dad,
why the sudden change?
I decided I should let Donald be
the Mummer he always wanted to be
and let him take my place
in the funeral procession.
Oh. That's so nice.
And then when it's over,
the police will take him
back to jail instead of me.
I see.
- Yoo-hoo! Hi there.
- [DENNIS] Oh, hey!
No, absolutely not.
You two ruined my door.
You slammed it again.
Ah, well, we didn't slam it that hard.
The slider is bent and
now the handle is all loose.
- Are they?
- Oh, buddy.
Did they get all busted up?
- I'm so sorry.
- You know what?
We're going to be so much more
careful this time, you watch.
I have two broken doors now.
Whatever. We got
the wrong body last time.
Yeah, so can we
You said goodbye to the wrong corpse?
Can you believe it?
- Crazy, right?
- Honest mistake.
We just wanna say goodbye
to the right person.
It would mean a lot to us, you know.
You ripped the thumb
off a total stranger?
Caught that, did you?
Yeah, well, we you know,
we didn't have our tools.
No, and he didn't vocalize the plan,
and then there we were,
just trying to pivot.
- So I just had to wrench it.
- Yeah. Great.
You don't Whatever. Look,
she's not here anymore anyway.
You threw her in the trash already?
No. [STAMMERS]
We don't throw bodies in the trash.
Her husband came
to get her. Uh Uh
- A Frank Reynolds took the remains.
- What?
- Why did you give her to him?
- Why?
She's not even
technically married to him yet.
- Yet?
- [DEE] Goddamn it!
Okay, where did he take her?
- How should I know?
- Shit.
You should know and you should tell
us because we are meant to be rich.
We are not meant to be squabbling
with basement dwellers
and morticians all day long.
Goddamn it, you are working class
and we have moved on from you.
Okay, Dennis, I'm texting him.
He's taking her to the funeral.
I'll have him drop a pin.
- You, thanks for nothing.
- Yeah, thanks for nothing, pal.
Dee, you know what? Let's go.
And let's slide and slam every
single thing on the way out.
- Don't you dare slide and slam every
- [CABINETS SLAM]
♪Fuck this job ♪♪
♪It's crazy ♪♪
- [♪JOVIAL MUSIC PLAYING ♪♪]
- [DENNIS] Okay. All right.
When we see the funeral procession,
you throw your body over Sam's
- in a fit of tears, and get the print.
- Yeah.
Oh, well, the casket's
gonna be closed though, right?
They don't do open caskets in
a funeral procession, do they?
No, you're probably right. Yeah, okay.
So, I'll throw my body over
the coffin in a fit of tears, right,
and I'll knock the lid off.
- You grab the print then.
- That's when I grab it.
- Actually grab the whole thumb if you can.
- Yeah. Right.
Yeah. No. Hey, where are we?
This, uh This
feels strange, but this
is definitely where
Frank dropped the pin.
- It is?
- Yes.
I was gonna say
'cause it's a good crowd,
but it doesn't seem
like a funeral crowd.
- Something feels off.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
[♪MARCHING BAND PLAYS "WHEN
THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN"]
[DENNIS, DEE EXCLAIMING]
What are they doing?
What are we supposed to do?
Are we meant to do something? Uh-oh.
Jesus. I don't know.
We gotta find Frank.
I don't know what the hell's
going on. I don't even see a coffin.
- Frank!
- Frank!
Frank!
Frank!
- Dad, do you think this is gonna work?
- Huh?
Forget it. Here they come.
Look. There he is!
You're really pulling
this look off by the way.
So beautiful.
[♪"WHEN THE SAINTS
GO MARCHING IN" CONTINUES]
He looks so happy.
- Are you crying?
- No.
Bro, I think you're crying.
Oh, God, here put the glasses on.
Yeah, that's that's better.
I don't like that. I don't like it.
- [DENNIS] I don't know where Frank is.
- [DEE] Frank!
[DENNIS] I mean, where's Frank?
- Frank!
- Wait a second.
Where the hell is Frank?
- Is that Charlie? Charlie!
- [CHARLIE] Oh! Hey! Hey!
Charlie, Charlie, where's Frank?
Oh, my gosh, you guys came. This
is the perfect send-off for my mom.
She would be so happy you were here.
- Great. Where's Frank, dude?
- [CHARLIE] Huh?
Where's the body?
Oh, my mom? She's ashes, dude.
- Sam? Where's Sam?
- Huh?
Oh, she's in the cannon.
[♪JOVIAL MUSIC PLAYS]
- What?
- Oh, no.
- [♪JOVIAL MUSIC ENDS]
- Thank you all for coming
as we bid our farewells
to Bonnie and Sam,
two magnificent women,
who would've wanted
to go out with a bang.
I should know, I banged both of 'em.
[SPECTATORS LAUGH]
Drumroll, please.
- Oh, my God.
- Goodbye, my lovely.
- [DRUMROLL ENDS]
- No, no, no.
- [CHEERING]
- [FRANK] Yeah!
[♪MARCHING BAND STARTS TO PLAY]
- Well, there go those thumbs.
- Son of a bitch.
No, wait. What are you doing?
You got it all wrong.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dad.
I can't let it happen.
I'm not Luther. I'm Donald.
Wait, hold on, stop.
He's telling the truth.
Listen, that man over there,
that's the real Luther.
Thank you for everything, buddy.
Yeah, good to see you,
and say hi to your family.
How about that shot,
Charlie? Slam dunk.
It was incredible, Frank.
It was incredible.
Guys, thank you so much for coming.
- Oh, fuck off!
- Goddamn poor people. Ruin everything!
- What's eating them?
- I don't know, dude.
Frank, this was amazing.
This was amazing.
My mom would've loved this.
She would have loved this.
- I miss them both.
- Yeah.
What are you doing?
What are you doing? I'm Donald.
Mac! Mac! Mac!
I'm so sorry, Uncle Donald.
I knew that my dad was going to
double-cross you the entire time.
- Are you mad?
- No, Son. I'm not mad.
Dad? How?
I never told Donald he could
take my place in the parade
'cause I knew you were gonna rat.
Once a rat, always a rat.
Oh. Does this mean you're gonna
live as him with Mom now?
Uh, okay. [STAMMERS]
Will I see you again?
Oh, yeah. I'll probably come
back to kill you someday.
[MAC] Eh. He's just being
unpleasant. I'm sure he'll come around.
[♪BAND PLAYS "I'M LOOKING
OVER A FOUR LEAF CLOVER"]
♪I'm looking over A four leaf
clover That I overlooked before ♪♪
♪One leaf is sunshine
The second is rain ♪♪
♪Third is the roses
That grow in the lane ♪♪
♪No need explaining ♪♪
♪The one remaining
Is somebody I adore ♪♪
♪I'm looking over A four leaf
clover That I overlooked before ♪♪
[♪SONG ENDS]
sync & corrections awaqeded