It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s18e03 Episode Script

1
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
[DEE] What? Oh, come on.
This is bullshit.
This has to be a mistake.
[MAC] You're telling
me. Mine's negative.
How are we positive
and you're negative?
What is that, an AIDS test?
No, it's a neuropsych test.
Yeah, we went to Penn to get a
full neuropsychological test done
to see if any of us had ADHD.
And according to this shit,
Dennis and I do.
- Which is a lie.
- Consider yourselves lucky.
- At least now you have an excuse.
- An excuse for what?
For why your life
turned out like shit,
why you never accomplished
anything, why you failed out of Penn.
Uh, no, no. No, we did
not fail out of Penn, okay?
We declined to graduate.
Yeah, we just decided
not to take the final exam
'cause we got, like, you know,
distracted by other shit.
Yeah, but isn't getting distracted,
like, the main thing of ADHD?
[DEE] Stop it. It's
No, we got distracted by, like,
sex, drugs, and rock and roll,
like normal college kid shit.
- Neurotypical distractions.
- Right.
My whole life, I thought
I had shit for brains,
mainly because my mom would stick
a Tootsie Roll in my ear when I slept.
And I would wake up and find it
and I would think there was
- actually shit in my brains.
- Leaking out of your head at night?
I think it's because she loved me so
much and she wanted
to keep me at home,
- you know?
- [CHARLIE] Sure, yeah.
And then I wised up and
I caught on to her love ruse,
and I realized that I probably
did have some kind of disorder.
I thought you did, for sure.
And now I have no excuse.
I could have gone to Penn.
Dude, I have a Ferrari brain
that's stuck in first gear.
[CHARLIE] Yeah.
You have a Subaru brain
that has two flat tires.
Yeah, Mac, you couldn't even study in
high school without
getting all pissed off
and breaking all your pencils
He'd throw all his books
all around the room.
That's not true.
All right, yeah, but like,
do I What's mine say?
Like, what car is my brain?
- This oughta be good.
- Uh
"Inconclusive."
- Oh, huh?
- [DEE] What?
They want you to come back
for more testing.
- [CHARLIE] I gotta go back?
- Yeah.
I don't know why you guys
give a shit about this.
I mean, you are who you are.
And as far as Penn goes [CHUCKLES]
the only reason why you two got
in there was because of my money.
Your brains had nothing to do with it.
Yeah, well, we'll see
about that, Frank.
Dee, you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Dee?
- Mmm. Mm-hmm?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Absolutely.
Great. Then say it with me.
- Oh, I would love to.
- We're
You just have to tell me
what it is we were gonna say.
You literally just said
you knew what I was thinking.
That was a lie.
I got distracted for a sec.
I was gonna say
we should go back to school.
- Oh, shit, really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh! Okay. I like it.
- You want to say it together again?
- No, I don't. I'll just do it.
- We're gonna go back to school. Mmm.
- Back to school. Did it.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
Wow, look at this. [CHUCKLES]
I don't know where we should sit
now that we know we have ADHD.
Maybe we just sit in
the front row, you know?
Mm-hmm. Get out of the way for
when the shooter comes blasting.
Wait, wait. Hey, don't do that.
[DEE] It's upsetting.
- It's-It's very triggering, you know?
- Yeah.
That being said, uh [SIGHS] it would
be good if he had to blast through
a couple rows before he got to us,
- you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- Right. Give us a little time to scramble.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
- What are you gonna do?
Well, well, well, if it isn't
the stupid little rich kids.
[SCOFFS] Uh, we are not stupid.
You are.
- Is that the whole comeback?
- I think so. I didn't
- Thought you were
- That's not what I meant.
Give me a second. I'm gonna
think of something else.
It'll be too late.
What are you doing here?
I'm gonna prove to you
that I could've gone to Penn.
That's why I'm sitting
right here in the front row,
'cause I'm going to pay attention.
I'm going to take notes,
and, of course,
if the shooter comes
in blasting, I can scramble.
- All right, let's do this thing.
- [DEE] What?
What are you doing here?
We're doing a Back
to School thing like
Rodney Dangerfield did in the movie.
[GRUNTS] "Let's party!"
Okay, well, Frank, we are not
doing a Back to School thing.
We're just going back to school.
What's the difference?
The difference is we're gonna pay
attention and we're
gonna study and focus.
- We explained this at the bar.
- I probably wasn't paying attention.
- Do we all have ADHD now?
- I guess.
Not me. Look at how well-arranged
my index cards are and my pencils.
I'm focused as shit.
[CHUCKLING] Okay, nerd.
Nobody uses paper anymore, all right?
It's all computers,
you stupid, dumb dumb.
- Dee.
- [GASPS] I'm so sorry. I don't know.
I think that the diagnosis is messing
with my confidence or something.
Wait a minute.
If you guys are not gonna party, I'm
gonna find somebody else who will.
Ah. Four-eyes here.
Come with me. I'm gonna
show you what school really is.
We're gonna "par-tay."
All right, here. When the teacher
comes, tell him I'm renting the kid.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go. Come on. Get up.
Sort of a human trafficking situation.
- Seems like it, right? Whatever.
- Yeah.
[DENNIS GRUNTS]
You know what? I think I should
get some Ritterall to help me focus.
No, no, no. Dee, don't do that.
You know where that leads.
You know, starts with
Ritterall, then you move to coke,
and then you're smoking crack
and then more crack.
Okay? Let's not do that, all right?
Worst comes to worst, we feel
like we're not gonna pass the test,
just do what you always used
to do. Just bang the professor.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh. I think that's gonna
have to be your department.
Well, no, I don't know
about that. I mean,
it could go either
way, you know, but, uh
Yeah, let's not
Let's not go down that road.
I-I don't really wanna bang her.
Good morning, class.
Oh!
Good
morning
class.
[PROFESSOR] Okay, Mr. Kelly.
So I'm sure you've seen
these types of tests before
- when logging on to a website or a domain.
- Mmm.
They're used for identifying robots.
Oh. You think I might be a robot?
[CHUCKLES] No, of course not.
Oh.
I have "drinken" motor oil.
You Sorry, what?
Uh Yeah. I didn't drink it all
that much and I didn't like it.
Okay. Right.
So I'm probably not a robot.
Put that down.
- Right.
- Good.
- Okay, well, let's try the test.
- Yeah.
[PROFESSOR] Which of these
images has grass?
Um [MUMBLES] just this one.
Just that one?
Yeah, that that's the only
one I see. This guy right here.
And out of curiosity,
what color is the man's shirt?
Uh, no, I'm not colorblind
if that's your concern.
Uh, his shirt is light blue.
I can see it and I can
smell it like crazy. [SCOFFS]
- Smell it?
- Oh, yeah.
I-I can smell every color
in this room.
[CHARLIE INHALES]
And why did you select
that image as having grass?
Well, because hair
is the grass of the head.
I see. And why no grass in the others?
Oh, well, because
they're just pictures of grass,
and you asked which picture has grass,
and that's the only grass head one.
But that one is also a photograph.
Uh, yes, but it has a tiny hair on it.
See? So this is the only one
that had any actual grass.
It was hard to see, but I could
smell the black of the hair.
[SNIFFS] Yeah.
[STAMMERS] Do you mind if I invite
a few other professors to join us?
Sure, yeah.
May I keep this?
- Yeah.
- Great.
Good. Deal.
Are you sure I'm not a robot?
You are definitely not a robot.
[SMACKS LIPS] All right.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
[FRANK] All right, all right.
Okay. Let's check out the dorm room.
Well, right away,
I see the issues in this room.
- Yeah. I don't see any bongs.
- Oh.
I don't see any lava lamps. Not good.
And the walls should be covered
with titty posters.
- Uh, oh.
- You don't know how to do college, do you
I never caught your name.
What's your name?
Um, I'm Jie.
- G?
- Jie.
G? I want to stick with G.
You're from another country, right?
Yes, I'm from China.
China. There you go.
That's the problem right there,
because they don't know
how to throw away a perfectly
good education over there.
- Uh, oh.
- They don't know that.
- Let me tell you something, G.
- Okay.
- Life is the only education
- Mmm. Uh.
and you don't want to fail at that.
- Okay.
- Okay? Yeah.
Oh! Hello. This must be the roommate.
Oh, here we go. This is good.
He looks like he's all dolled up.
You're ready to go out
and have some fun, right?
What are you gonna do?
Go to Go to the dean's office
and crap on his desk?
No, I'm going to a protest.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- A protest?
Boring.
What's the matter with you kids? You
don't know how to have fun anymore?
Wait, you know what?
- Mmm.
- Your roommate just gave me a great idea.
- G, follow me.
- Mmm.
You know where the dean's office is?
Uh, yes.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[FRANK] Oh, f fuck! Oh
Holy fuck.
Oh, this is great.
I fucked up my hand.
Look at that. Huh?
- Holy shit.
- That's the way it's got to be in college.
God, wait, let me I got to do-do this.
- Come on in, G.
- Oh. Oh.
Come on, come on, come
on in, G. I gotta blot. Whoo.
Holy Toledo. There's blood. Holy shit.
It's bleeding like a pig.
See that trash can over here?
Grab that, bring it
over in the middle here.
Take a good crap in it.
- Take a nice big crap in it
- A A crap?
and dump it on the dean's desk.
That's the way you do it.
Come on. Go ahead.
- [CRIES]
- What's the matter? You can't take a shit?
- You dehydrated?
- [CRYING] No.
You got to hydrate.
I'm going to get expelled.
- Why you gonna get expelled?
- They will know it's us.
How they gonna know it's us?
They can't know it's us.
You make me use my key card
to open the building.
Well, I can't smash every window, G.
And they have cameras.
- There's a camera.
- Camera? Huh?
Oh, shit. Oh Ooh.
Times are changing.
Uh, that's because
of the shooters, probably.
All right, shit.
Uh [STAMMERS] Tell you what. Uh
All right, all right. [STUTTERS] Relax.
Uh [STUTTERS] Listen,
don't blame G, this is all me.
This is all my fault.
I made him do it.
So don't blame him, okay?
And I-I-I had to break
the glass over there to get in
'cause we were gonna
shit on your desk.
[STAMMERS] This will pay for
the window that I broke in the door.
Okay? Everything good?
There is a little cleanup,
but there's no shit.
You don't have to clean up
any turds, any-any crap,
'cause that desk would've been
full of my shit
if I could have got up there. Okay.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
I forgot how hard these
classes are, you know.
And I can't even, uh, concentrate
on what that old lady was saying.
Yeah, how are you supposed to
concentrate on anything?
You know, the women, although ignorant
and naive, are at their physical apex.
You gotta look over your shoulder
every three seconds to make sure
- there's not an active shooter
- Right?
and the teacher
is like a draconian bore.
Yeah, how are you even
supposed to know what to study?
You know what?
I don't know that, either.
Seriously, everything's
apparently in a portal,
and I tried to get in the
portal, but I can't get in.
You need a computer science degree.
[LAUGHS] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Are you on drugs?
- Yeah, yeah.
Goddamn it, Dee. I I
told you not to do Ritterall.
No, I didn't do Ritterall.
No, I-I found some coke.
- Oh, you bitch.
- Yeah.
- Do you have any more?
- A little bit.
Give me some. Give me some.
Come on, come on, come on
Yeah.
- [GRUNTS] Why'd I do that?
- Yeah.
Aw, what the hell?
Is that Mac over there
studying his brains off?
- Yeah.
- He's got a partner though, a study buddy?
- That's cheating. You can't do that.
- Don't worry, Dee.
I did a little something
to nuke his confidence.
Dude, how do you not know this answer?
I've gone over it with you,
like, five times.
No, I know, I Hold on. There's
something weird in my What is this?
Oh. Ew!
What is that? Oh, my God,
that smells like shit.
- Does that smell like shit to you?
- Dude. I don't wanna smell it.
- No, I know, but just smell it.
- I don't wanna smell it.
- Is that What?
- [LAUGHS]
Did you put a Tootsie Roll in his ear?
I did.
- Do you think it's poop?
- [DENNIS] Yeah.
[STUDY PARTNER] No,
I don't think it's poop.
I-I popped a Tootsie Roll
in there, yeah.
I-I shoved it in my asshole
for a little while too,
- so it smells like shit.
- Did you?
- That's why it smells bad.
- Yeah.
- Wow, nice touch.
- Thank you.
Okay, Mr. Kelly.
- Yeah.
- This should be an easy one.
Backpacks are to books
as coffee cans are to
A, coffee. B, rice. Or C, dirt.
[SMACKS LIPS]
I'd like to answer D,
a "stab" infection.
Interesting.
Yeah, you almost had me.
[CHUCKLES] And how do you come
by this answer, Charlie?
Well [STAMMERS] you
know, backpacks can
be very "cummerbund" to carry around.
They can pull on your necks,
causing chronic injury,
but at the heart of that
problem are the books inside.
Coffee cans can also
cause injuries too.
They could have sharp edges
if opened improperly,
and those could lead to cuts,
which could lead to "stab" infections.
[PROFESSORS MURMURING]
I see.
And why didn't you answer A, coffee?
Well, 'cause coffee cans
don't hold coffee.
Coffee is a liquid.
[CHUCKLES] Coffee cans
hold coffee beans,
and this particular can has 627 beans
inside of it, but no
coffee. [CHUCKLES]
And how do you think you know that?
Well, I heard the number
when you put it down.
Yeah, just like I can hear you
have two pencils in your right pocket
because of the volume
of your right footsteps.
You tread lightly on that foot
because you don't want to get poked.
Yeah, there there you go.
[GASPS] Amazing.
Somebody do something?
Some Did you do Did you do
something? Do it again. I missed it.
[FRANK] This is the most important
thing that you could do in college.
- Okay. Oh.
- Get laid.
Because girls just wanna have
new experiences.
- So let's find you the perfect girl.
- Okay.
How about her?
With the can in her hand.
Oh! Oh. No, no, no, no, no, I-I
don't think she's interested in me.
G, you got to swing
for the fences in college.
Don't worry about it.
I know what to say.
I'm gonna be right behind you,
- whispering in your ear.
- Okay.
Remember the moves
that I taught you earlier.
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, you do.
Okay, let's go, come on.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
Hi, I'm G. I'm on the
China Express to sexy town.
What? It's too loud. I can't
Are you trying to talk to me?
Compliment her tits.
Okay, look, what do you creeps want?
Hi, I'm Frank Reynolds,
a local billionaire
and all-around good time.
Uh, I'm pulling a Back to School.
This is my friend, G.
- Hi.
- He's going to be rich too someday,
but right now he's
not looking for attachments.
He's "down to clown," as the kids say,
and he's got some exotic moves in the
sack that you've probably never tried.
Show her the hip thing.
Do the hip thing.
- Do I have to?
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go on.
Watch this. Watch this.
Check this out.
Go on, do it. Do it bigger, bigger.
Yeah. Look at that. That is hot.
That is Chinese dong.
Not great from what I hear,
but it's not nothing.
And you may never get
to sample this again.
I mean, this is the time for you to
have new experiences. Am I right?
- What the hell is going on here?
- Huh?
You nerds trying to hit on my girl?
Nerds?
Who are you, Johnny Unitas?
Who? I'm captain
of the crew team, grandpa.
What the hell is that kid doing?
- Oh. Y-You can stop, G. G, you can stop.
- Oh, okay.
So you're the tough guys on
campus, huh? You're the top jocks, eh?
Well, listen to this.
Tomorrow, G and I are gonna
do a synchronized dive
from the high dive
in front of the whole school.
Why?
Well, then we'll see who
the nerds are.
Be there or be square.
- All right, man.
- All right.
Wait, wait, wait,
why-why are we doing that?
Dangerfield did it in Back to School.
Trust me, it's gonna work. [CHUCKLES]
Come on. Let's get a brew.
I want to get loaded.
["THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT,
I GOTTA WEAR SHADES" PLAYS]
I study nuclear science
I love my classes ♪
I got a crazy teacher
Who wears dark glasses ♪
Things are going great ♪
Uh, okay. Uh, the preconscious mind?
Yes. True.
Uh, I'm asking for the definition.
[WHINES] I don't know
what that word means.
Nietzsche. Nietzsche!
I don't know.
I got a job waiting
For my graduation ♪
Fifty thou a year'll buy
A lot of beer ♪
Things are going great and
They're only getting better ♪
I'm doing all right
Getting good grades ♪
The future's so bright
I gotta wear shades ♪
Okay, that's you up there, G.
And you're gonna go boing.
Then you do a flip,
and you boing straight in.
How's that? Too much?
All right, I'll tell you what.
There's another option.
All right, this is easy.
- Okay? All right.
- Yeah.
I'm heavenly blessed
And worldly wise ♪
I'm a peeping tom techie
With X-ray eyes ♪
Things are going great and
They're only getting better ♪
- All right, jump!
- No, no, no.
- Don't look down. Just look up. Look up.
- Okay.
Ready, and one, two, three. Jump!
- [GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
- [CHEERS]
You did it! You did it, G!
[GASPS]
[STAMMERS] Is it hidden or no?
- Whoa.
- [MAC] True. False.
I'm gonna toss the bookshelf, buddy.
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
[SONG FADES OUT]
[DEE SNIFFING]
[WHISPERS] Dee.
- Dee!
- What? Yeah, what?
Are you on crack?
Yeah.
[SIGHS] Bitch.
Shh.
[PENCILS BREAKING]
I want to thank you all,
and Mr. Kelly,
for your time and effort in
the pursuit of this diagnosis.
It wasn't easy, but I
think what we have uncovered
is the most extraordinary scientific
discovery in the last 100 years.
It is the opinion
of this esteemed community
that Mr. Charlie Kelly has a
condition we would like to call
He left.
- What?
- He just walked out the door.
Oh.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
[WHISTLES]
Mr. Kelly! Mr. Kelly, wait.
- [CHARLIE] Hey.
- Why did you leave?
Oh. Well, uh,
I saw you put your folder down.
So when someone is
no longer holding an object
That they've been holding while giving
a lecture or a speech or something
and they put it down,
yeah, they're done talking.
- Fascinating.
- Yeah.
Well, wouldn't you like to hear
our diagnosis?
Oh. Cool. Uh, of what?
- Of you.
- Of me? [CHUCKLES] What about me?
Don't you want to know what you are?
Uh
I'm Charlie.
Uh, yes, sorry. I mean what you have.
Uh
No. Huh? Wh-What? No, what
I have is to get to the pool.
Yeah, my buddy's doing a big dive.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
Whole school is gonna be there.
[FRANK] Huh.
I thought there'd be more people here.
[WHISTLES]
Oh, I-I-I think this is too high.
Ooh. I'm with you, kid.
This is very high.
Uh, do we have to do this?
No, we don't. You do.
It can't be all about
tests and books, G.
You got to take some wild risks
in order to pass the test of life.
- Okay.
- Yeah, give me your glasses.
- Okay.
- Yeah, go on, go ahead.
- Do your thing. Go on.
- Okay.
All right, ready?
Go on, go on up there.
Remember the training.
You can do this, G, all right?
- G?
- Yes.
Take a leap of faith, kid.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- On my count.
- Okay.
- Ready? All right.
- Uh
- [FRANK] One
- Okay.
Two
- Okay.
- Three.
- I jump!
- Jump! [CHEERS]
Flip!
Fly! [GRUNTING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Yeah!
Oh
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
My bad, G!
- [DENNIS] Move!
- [MAC] Get out of th
- [DEE] Look out, please.
- [MAC] Scoot.
Make way. We're trying
to see something here.
[MAC] Dumbass kids. Move.
[GRUNTS] I know I aced this thing.
Yeah, I guarantee you I aced it.
Yeah. Hey, um, you weren't
putting shit in my ear, were you?
Put something in your ear?
What are you [CHUCKLES] What
are you talking about, man?
Uh, I don't see us.
- I don't see us either.
- I don't think we're on this.
[MAC] Wait, what do you mean?
- Where are our grades?
- Hang on a second.
- Did she not grade us?
- Are you kidding me? What the hell?
Ugh. Goddamn it. You know what?
[SIGHS] Okay, I think
I know what happened here.
I'm a little ashamed to admit it,
but you know, we never
actually, like, enrolled in the school,
so maybe that's
why they didn't grade us?
Did we have to?
Uh, probably.
I skimmed the website, but
there was, like, so many words.
Yeah, who reads fine print?
- There's a website?
- There's a website, yeah,
- for the university.
- Goddamn it.
That old bitch took advantage of me.
What old bitch?
What are you talking about?
[STAMMERS] The Noth Nobody.
[CHARLIE] Yo, what's up?
Hey, Charlie! Hey, did
you get your diagnosis?
Uh, why? I'm not sick,
you know what I mean?
I don't need some teacher
talking a bunch of words at me
telling me what I am,
'cause I'm good, dude.
Yeah, what is the point
of all this, you know?
- School.
- Look, we are who we are.
- No diagnosis is gonna change that.
- I am what I am.
Look, if you want more
information about yourself,
hey, that's fine, good on you,
but I don't need to take a test or get
a diagnosis to find
out how smart I am.
- I know I'm smart. Know what I mean?
- I like that.
- Yeah, I got what you were going for.
- Yo. Let's get out of here.
- Oh, dude, how's that kid doing?
- Yeah?
Oh, not good. He failed the
most important test in life.
- Which is what?
- Don't do a bunch of shit
some guy you just met tells you to do.
- Of course.
- I mean, that's common sense.
- [DEE] Yeah.
- Who does that?
- Street smarts.
- I diagnose you as dumb, kid.
- Dumb.
- Yeah.
He did everything I told him to do.
You know, you definitely don't
need a rocket surgeon to tell you that.
Right. Wait, did you say
"rocket surgeon"?
I don't know. You know what I meant.
I'm still coming off the crack.
Just give me a break.
Hey, Dennis, you didn't put
anything into my ear, did you?
[JUDE COLE'S "BACK TO SCHOOL" PLAYS]
It's your life
And I'm not gonna live it ♪
A change is coming
And it's overdue ♪
I'm gonna take you Over the limit ♪
You know I'm only
Looking out for you ♪
I'll be there
When you're gettin' it right ♪
That's the beauty
Of living my life ♪
Hold on, baby,
I'm takin' you back to school ♪
When logic fails
Don't lose your head ♪
You just turn to me instead ♪
Hold on, baby, now here we go back ♪
sync & corrections awaqeded