It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s18e04 Episode Script

1
["VIRTUAL INSANITY" PLAYING]
[FRANK] You look like an asshole.
[DENNIS] A lot of people are gonna
be wearing these hats at the concert.
It might be you looking
like an asshole, Frank.
Concert? What concert?
I thought we were going to
a virtual reality thing.
Oh, no. You're getting confused with
"Virtual Insanity."
- What?
- Yeah, that's Jamiroquai's top song,
and Mr. Jamiroquai is the
one who wears the hat.
They're a hat band.
Oh, no. Come on.
They're not a hat band, all right?
And the man's name is not Jamiroquai.
That's the band's name, okay?
The man's name is Jay Kay.
And that's not just a J and a K. That's,
uh that's spelled J-A-Y K-A-Y.
And the band's name actually is
This is interesting.
It's a portmanteau.
It's a combination of, uh,
two things: Jam, as in "jam session,"
and "Iroquois."
- I'm lost.
- We all are,
but Dennis is a super fan,
so he'll go on and on about it.
Well, let's hear the album.
- Well
- Well, there's really only the one song.
Well, hard disagree on that there, pal.
But yeah.
No, we can't really listen to music
because, uh,
this thing doesn't have a CD player,
and we left our phones at
home as a nod to the '90s.
- So, we're kinda screwed here.
- [SCOFFS] Well, not me.
I never go anywhere without my phone.
- Is that right?
- [CHARLIE] Is that right? [CHUCKLES]
- Goddamn it. What's this?
- [DENNIS] Well, yeah.
Frank, we had to take your phone
and replace it with a calculator
because you are addicted.
- Yeah.
- [CHANTING] Concert, concert, concert.
- Don't go in there for a while.
- Goddamn it.
I forgot how annoying it is to
go to a concert with you, Dee.
- You're way too drunk way too soon.
- What? No.
Remember the Dave Matthews concert
where we tossed her under the Astrovan?
- You guys
- She got stuffed under the van ♪
Broken ribs ♪
- [DEE] Yeah, yeah.
- [CHUCKLING]
Where are we by the way?
I don't recognize this area.
Yeah, I don't know.
Um, I think I got a little turned around
- because we don't have GPS. So
- [RATTLING]
What the hell is that?
Well, you know what?
We-We might be running out of gas.
- The gas gauge might
- What?
Yeah, well, I couldn't tell
if the gas gauge was working.
I think we might have
jacked up the electronics
when we ripped out the console.
You morons.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah.
- [DENNIS] Okay, we are fully out of gas.
- [FRANK] Shit.
- Yeah, we're, uh
Seems kind of like a rough area,
isn't it?
Yeah, well, it's getting worse and
worse these days, I'll tell you that.
Well, don't panic, everybody.
You know, it's fine, I think.
What's that?
That's one of those driverless
robot taxi cars or whatever.
- There's nobody driving it?
- Mm-mmm.
[MAC] So a robocar driving
through a homeless encampment.
That seems like Judge Dredd.
Yeah, dude. You're right.
It is very dystopian for sure.
And if I could just, you know,
bring things back around full circle,
if you don't mind.
Uh, this is the exact future
that Jamiroquai was trying to
warn us about almost 30 years ago.
- [DEE] Hmm.
- [DENNIS] Mmm.
- ["TEMPTATION SENSATION" PLAYING]
-
Keep the curtains closed
because the first thing those
animals do is go for your holes.
So you gotta stuff up because
that's how they get into you.
- You gotta Yeah.
- Wait. Hang on. No. Frank.
- Frank, relax.
- Here. Stuff up. Stuff up.
- Nobody wants your holes.
- That's how they get inside of you.
- They enter.
- They [STAMMERS]
Nobody wants to be inside you.
Don't panic.
You still have time to make the concert.
We just need somebody to go out
there and get us some gas, right?
- Mac?
- Yeah.
Me? Why? Why me?
Well, I mean, you're the only
one with a chained wallet.
[STAMMERS] Oh,
that was for the mosh pit though.
Yeah, it'd be crazy for those of us
who don't have chained
wallets to go out there.
- That'd be crazy.
- Plus, you're the enforcer.
- Aren't you always saying that?
- And that you know the streets super well.
- He knows the streets.
- You guys say that.
I've definitely heard you say it,
but sure, if you want.
- All right. I'll do it.
- Go leave with your
No, no. Wait. Don't go.
Hang on to your teeth
because that's what they do.
They pull your teeth
and use it for currency.
They take my teeth?
Why would they take my teeth?
[FRANK] They trade teeth for currency.
Where are you getting that from?
I thought you were
talking about the Mad Max
dystopian world with
the oil and the cars.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- I see what's going on.
- He's mixing up his dystopian futures.
- Yeah.
When you talked about
the driverless car
Mad Max is after the computer wars when
the humans are fighting over water.
- Wait. What?
- [MAC] Yeah.
- I thought it was in the past.
- No, it's in the future.
The computers have had the big AI fight.
The Terminator
And the fight over water,
that's Waterworld.
No, that's when there's too much water.
Which one was the midget strapped to
the tank and he was playing the guitar?
We're getting our Mad
Maxes all mixed up.
We're getting all of these dystopian
futures mixed up, and it's just
It's too much to unravel.
We're gonna miss the concert, all right?
And I don't wanna miss the concert,
okay? So, how about this?
Go out there, get us some gas,
and we'll circle back to this conversation
because I do think it's important.
Yeah, dude. Just go get gas, please?
I'll get the gas 'cause
I'm the enforcer. I know the streets.
You're the enforcer. You know the streets.
Otherwise, we're gonna be here all night.
I'm actually gonna roll too
'cause I need some more supplies.
- I gotta beef up this jungle juice.
- All right. Go.
- You really don't, Dee.
- Boosh.
- Oh, you bitch.
- Oh, she got your hat.
Yeah, that's all right.
I brought a spare. [CHUCKLES]
This city has really turned to shit,
huh?
Really, it's an excessive amount
of homeless people, right?
This is just weird, right?
It's the fentanyl, Dee.
It's the goddamn fentanyl.
Oh, whatever happened
to crackheads though?
- 'Cause crackheads were fun.
- They were industrious, you know?
They would sell you a bike.
They would tell you a joke.
- They would work for their crack.
- They were hard workers.
They'd offer to suck dick for it.
You know what I mean?
- They wouldn't expect anything.
- "I'll suck yo' dick!"
That was funny and this is just sad.
Oh, please. A pile of filth right in
the where I was trying to walk.
- Shit.
- I'm walking here. You know what I mean?
I-I gotta be honest with you.
I put too much energy drink inside of my
juice, and I think my buzz is wearing off.
We gotta find a liquor store.
No. Dee, we need to find a gas station,
all right?
Go ask somebody.
[STAMMERS] No, I'm not talking
to these people. They're crazy.
You ask somebody.
You're the one who knows the streets.
Fine, pussy.
There's nothing to be afraid of,
all right? These people are harmless.
Sir. Hi, sir. Excuse me.
Um, we're looking for a gas station.
Could you point us in the right direction?
- Yeah, let me help you. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
You're gonna go down to the,
uh, purple tent.
You make a left at the bug zapper.
- You-You hear that?
- Yeah, yeah.
You're gonna go past the rat lot,
and then you make a right at the barrels.
- You can't miss it. Okay? [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLING] Okay.
- All right. You see?
- Yeah.
- What? What?
- Oh.
- My chain technology failed me!
- Uh
your chain seems fine.
Looks like your pants
technology's what failed you.
[YELPS] That's a person.
That's not a pile, that's a person.
- Go. That's a person. We gotta go.
- Okay.
Like,
the floor's moving around and stuff,
like furniture's, like,
moving towards him.
He's, like, "Whoa."
It's really, really cool.
And then he launches into like a
Well, that's what
They said yesterday ♪
There's nothing left to do
But pray ♪
I think I need to find
A new religion ♪
Now let's stop there.
Let's examine that last couplet
because I think when he's talking about
religion, he's not talking about
- I wanna blow my brains out.
- Well, yeah, it's a lot to take in.
Yeah, but also,
aren't you singing the wrong song?
I thought it went like
I wanna get high, so high ♪
Hits from the bong ♪
No, Charlie. That's Cypress Hill.
And that's two different songs.
No, it's not.
That's Jumanji, and it goes like
Insane in the membrane ♪
[BOTH] Insane in the brain
It's Jumanji ♪
Hold on. No, that's a third Cypress
Hill song that you're singing,
and then you're talking about a
board game? Okay, it's Jamiroquai.
Guys, Jesus. This is crazy.
I need both of you to expand
your Jamiroquai knowledge.
Otherwise, you're gonna be at the concert,
you're gonna be listening to the music,
but you're not gonna be
really hearing the music.
Goddamn it.
If I could just play the song,
if I could just play it, I swear to God,
you'd really get it, you know what I mean?
I have a CD. I just
We don't even have a CD player.
Dude, I bet there's, like, an old music
player in this tent city somewhere.
You know, all these people
are on old technology, man.
I bet they could play that.
Hey. Yeah. You know what?
There's a certain flea market
quality to it out there, you know?
Except with more drugs and violence.
If you go out there,
it's gonna draw attention to us.
And if those cockroaches catch a scent,
we're finished.
Look, Frank, man,
these are people, dude.
Yeah, don't refer to them
as cockroaches.
That's appalling, you know what I mean?
These are people that we
look through and ignore,
unless we need to buy
drugs or CD players.
Yeah. They are probably
covered in cockroaches.
Well, if you hear two gunshots,
then you know they got into my holes.
So then just burn the RV.
Just fire it up.
If they're in your holes, dude,
you're not getting the shot off.
That's a good point. If they've
advanced that far, you're not
- Yeah, you're done for.
- You're done for. But, yes.
We'll burn it down if
they're in your holes.
We got you covered, okay?
[JOVIAL MUSIC PLAYS]
[MAC] Oh, thank God.
Hello? Hello, sir.
Sir, hi, hi, hi. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, our RV broke down,
and, um, oh, as you can see, my chain
wallet was ripped away by a homeless man,
and I-I-I don't,
unfortunately, have any funds,
but I'm wondering if we-we can, uh
I see you pointing at the sign, but I
Oh, I get No, I-I think there's
a bit of a misunderstanding.
Sorry. No, no, we're not homeless.
I don't think he's gonna help us.
I think this guy thinks
we're homeless, Dee.
I think we gotta come up with a
completely different solution.
You know what? I've got an idea.
Come with me.
Okay, give me the bottle.
No, no, you can't.
You're gonna dump it out.
Of course I'm gonna dump it.
I'm gonna fill it with gasoline.
You're gonna regret not having
jungle boobs in the parking lot.
Jungle boobs? Jungle boobs?
You are useless.
Give me the hat.
Yeah, this is working.
- What? What is that?
- Dee, what is that?
Is that a homeless person's bottle?
Did I pick up the wrong one back there?
Oh, my God.
Are you drinking street juice?
[COUGHING] Oh, God. [GROANS]
Oh, my God. You're gonna get hepatitis.
That's disgusting.
Uh-oh. Starting to fold.
What? Fold?
- Oh, my God. Is that the fentanyl?
- [DRIVER] Hey!
- [DEE] Folding.
- You took fentanyl.
Unfold and run, Dee. Unfold and run.
I'm sorry. It's okay.
We're not homeless.
- Get the hell away from my truck!
- Unfold. Unfold and run, Dee!
There's nothing weird about this!
God, look at all these
homeless people, man.
Population is booming.
Yeah. Where are they coming from, dude?
Glad it's not nighttime.
I'd be scared as shit.
Yeah. And you know,
I feel bad too, you know.
We're, like, driving to a jazz
show in a spare home [CHUCKLES]
and these people have,
like, no homes, you know.
Right, yeah. I see the irony in that.
It's-It's a shame, but, you know,
nothing to be done. Uh-uh.
Well, nothing you can do about it,
- but, you know
- Yeah. [SIGHS]
Have you noticed there's quite a few
people around here that are, like, folded?
- [CHARLIE] Yeah, they're like I know.
- Look at this guy right here.
What is that?
Like, how do they not tip over?
Good question. Yeah, it's actually
quite impressive, isn't it?
It's, like, they gotta have strong
legs to-to-to pull that off, you know?
Are the drugs only
affecting the top half?
It's a torso-based narcotic,
you know what I mean?
Still, it feels like somebody
should do something about this.
It's gotta be tough on
the spine long-term.
Yeah. You know what?
Go with me here. I got an idea.
Hang on. Check this out.
All right? And I just go up a little.
[DENNIS] You lift him up and
- [CHARLIE] There we go.
- Hey!
Look at that, huh?
Yeah, not bad.
Not bad? Dude, come on, that's, like,
a million-dollar idea right there.
- Look at that. Look at that.
- Well, yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Who's gonna give you
the million dollars?
'Cause these people
don't have any money.
Uh, well, no. Yeah. No, they don't,
but you know what you do in those plays?
You-You find an investor, like,
some kind of big-money guy
- who sees how to monetize this thing.
- Government contract.
- That's where the big money is at, right?
- Yes,
yeah, it's a social play, right?
You go after the federal dollars.
We got a real problem with the folding.
Let's take care of this kind of a thing.
Hey, are you hearing music
coming from over there?
I am hearing that. It's got to be
playing out of something, right?
- Should we check that out?
- Yeah, let's do it.
Dude, if you don't mind,
I'm just gonna grab this.
- [DENNIS] Yeah, yeah.
- [GRUNTS]
Just, you know, don't want anyone
to steal the prototype.
You know, copyrights,
trademarks and that kind of thing.
- I just You get what I'm saying, right?
- I got you.
You know, you just gotta
copyright and all that stuff.
[SALSA MUSIC PLAYING]
[IN SPANISH]
- Cricket?
- Hey!
[ALL CHEERING]
Hey! What's good?
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
- You mind turning that down a little bit?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Turn that down a little, Cricket.
- Yeah.
- Cricket. Cricket!
- Cricket.
- ¡Ay!
- I noticed you speaking Spanish earlier.
Is this a Latino neighborhood? Or
[CLEARS THROAT] I'm with
the Puerto Ricans now.
- Oh! They, like, own you or something?
- [CRICKET] No, no, no, no.
- Don't ask. It's
- Well, I mean, in a way. But either way
[LAUGHS] Hey, cool. That's cool.
Cricket, what's the story
with that CD player?
Is that up for grabs?
'Cause I'd like to barter for that.
Yeah, we kind of need one of those.
That's my most prized possession.
[CHARLIE] He just said
he'd barter for it. So
That's your most prized possession?
[STAMMERS] If you wanna haggle,
we can haggle
because I'm looking at that hat,
and I'm thinking,
"That's a bang-up chamber pot."
I don't have indoor plumbing.
That hat's got structure.
You could throw a bag in there,
it's good to go.
I'll do it for the hat, maybe.
The hat's just not on the table,
that's not
Yeah. Listen, you're talking about
taking a dump in this guy's hat.
- Come on, dude.
- I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry he went there.
- Yeah.
- This is a Jay Kay hat.
- No hat. Hat's done.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Hat's Whoa! Whoa.
- Cricket!
- All right. I made a move. That's on me.
- Leave him alone.
- Damn you to hell.
- I already lost one of these.
- You're not getting the hat.
- Okay. I'm backing off.
- Okay?
Just give me some foil and we'll be done.
You can have the damn thing.
Are you talking about just regular
[STAMMERS] tinfoil?
- Is that code for something?
- The stuff you wrap food in?
- Or just tinfoil?
- Tinfoil's as good as gold around here.
Come on, you gotta understand the
streets. Tinfoil is king. And fentanyl.
Yeah, fentanyl is better.
If you have fentanyl,
I'll take the fentanyl over everything
and you can have this entire house.
- We have tinfoil. Yeah.
- Yeah. Let's get you that tinfoil.
- I think we bought some for the hot dogs.
- Yeah, we definitely do.
- Well, I'll take the hot dogs too.
- [CHARLIE] Well
Hey, grab the radio,
and we'll get the tinfoil.
Hey, let me talk to you.
Um, how do you feel about,
you know, like a custom-made,
standing device that props
you up while you're folding,
courtesy of Uncle Sam?
[JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Creepers.
[DENNIS] He's like this and the
floor was moving, you know what I
This is you guys, huh?
I didn't take you for RV folks.
[CHARLIE] Well,
we picked it up as a sort of,
you know, second home
that drives, but, yeah
- Don't rub it in.
- Yeah.
Not to rub it in that we
have a second driving home.
No, no, no, no. Hey, come on, please.
You know, I mean,
I like the tent, by the way.
You know,
humans are meant to sleep on the ground.
- It's how we evolved.
- Yeah, yeah.
My question is, like, how did you evolve
to become like this, you know what I mean?
Because that's the weird thing,
is I don't know your backstory.
I feel like I've known you forever,
and yet I don't know how you became
I know, it's No, you just don't know
homeless people's backstories anymore.
You know, were you always Puerto Rican?
Were you always homeless?
Like, how did you get this way?
Are you kidding me right now?
You are my backstory.
- Really?
- [CRICKET] Yeah.
We factor into this in some way.
Okay,
you factor into this in a great way.
I'm here because of you.
Do you not understand?
That's crazy. I'd like to
hear that story at some point.
- But why don't I grab the tinfoil
- You should know the story.
[STUTTERS] Um
Could I maybe use your bathroom?
- Yeah. I [STAMMERS]
- Yeah.
- I mean, it's a no.
- It's a no, right?
Yeah, Cricket. Because, you know,
it's an inside toilet and
You're an outside guy.
- You chose to be an outside person
- I didn't choose.
- You gave up though.
- I never gave it up.
- [CHARLIE] Yes, you did.
- I got pushed out of society
- because of you two.
- Well, good. There's your backstory.
- Well, I don't think we factor into
- No.
People like him always
need somebody to blame.
Are you on drugs right now?
Is that what's going on?
No, I'm not on drugs.
Let me just see this thing, all right?
- Would you show me this thing?
- You wanna see this?
Yeah, prop me up. I wanna see
- what you've been talking about.
- Hell yeah, dude. Check it out.
So imagine you're in one
of your fentanyl folds.
- Okay. Yep. All right. [GRUNTS]
- Okay, there you go.
- How's that feel?
- You like that?
I think you've got a
million-dollar idea.
- Boom! Yeah. That's what I was saying.
- [CRICKET] I think it's
- That is nice. Yeah.
- [CHARLIE] Not bad, right?
You could use this
for a couple of things
'cause I fold for a lot
of different reasons.
- [CHARLIE] Let's get this over with.
- Yeah, we got a winner here.
- This is
- Hey, Frank!
Die, you scum!
- [SCREAMS]
- [FRANK] I'm gonna get you all.
- Die!
- [CHARLIE] What the hell?
Frank, stop shooting.
Hey, Frank, what are you doing?
It's us, man.
Oh, shit. I thought you were creepers.
You shot Cricket, dude.
Oh! Cricks, my bad.
No. Hey, no, it's good.
It's good. I'm good.
You just nicked the flap, that's all.
You know, we can survive.
Uh, tinfoil? I feel like we were
talking about the tinfoil. Can I get it?
Yeah, it's in the drawer under the sink.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah, yeah.
- Under the sink. [GRUNTS]
I don't know what flap
he's talking about.
- What am I looking at here?
- Oh, dude, this?
Check it out, fentanyl stand. [GROANS]
- That's a million-dollar idea.
- Thank you very much.
You have financial backing
or a government grant?
- [LOCK CLICKS]
- We're gonna whiteboard it
after we've figured out the dystopian
future, Mad Max thing. What?
- Was that?
- Did-Did he just lock the door?
[FRANK] There was a click.
Hey, Cricket.
Hey, don't lock the door, buddy, okay?
'Cause you're an outside person, right?
- That's an inside privilege.
- ["INSANE IN THE BRAIN" PLAYING]
- Son of a bitch unhoused us!
- What's he doing in there?
- Is that the song?
- Yep.
No, it's not the That's Cypress Hill.
It's good.
It's awesome.
["ANTS MARCHING" PLAYING]
If we had a goddamn cell phone,
none of this would have happened.
[CHARLIE] Yeah.
Okay, man. Whatever.
Where's he going?
- He's pissed off.
- Yeah, well
- What's in here? What?
- Oh, shit. Look, it's Mac.
- Yo! Hey!
- Mac.
Oh, thank God, guys.
I couldn't find the RV and the
whole gasoline plan went sideways.
Oh. Well,
the RV is in a bad situation, man,
'cause Cricket got in there
and he unhoused us.
- Yeah. You're wearing a trash bag?
- Oh, yeah.
That chain technology, it failed.
I had a bare-ass situation.
- Yeah. Is Dee around, by the way?
- Dee's on fentanyl.
Oh! You know what?
I got something for her.
- Check this out. Look.
- She's folded.
[CHARLIE] Hey, Dee, you in there?
Hey, check this out, Dee. Hold up.
And down.
There we go.
- [GRUNTING] And then I can raise her up.
- That's great, man.
Charlie, that's, like,
a million-dollar idea right there.
That's what I'm saying, dude.
Yeah, it's a government play.
We're gonna go after government dollars.
Yeah. It's a federal dollar
situation for sure, yeah.
You guys, I gotta say, I'm looking around,
and this is kind of awesome in here.
These people are having fun, dude.
It actually kind of reminds me
of the '90s.
I like the vibe.
This is kind of awesome.
It's like a genuinely happy experience.
I think these people are
living better than we do. Yeah.
This might be exactly what
we've been searching for.
Yeah.
Is that a lady playing the
guitar with a parakeet's head?
- Yeah.
- That is what that is.
Yeah, for sure. She's using the
beak as a pick there, I think.
- [DENNIS] Yeah.
- [CHARLIE] That's grim.
You know what? Actually, that might be
a pigeon's head painted like a parakeet.
I don't know why she didn't
just want it to be
- That's worse for some reason.
- That is a pigeon's head
because there's a pigeon
carcass next to the thing.
- Why you suppose she needed to paint it?
- That's fucking grotesque.
I think she's on fentanyl and
doesn't realize what's happening.
Speaking of what's happening,
uh, you're on fire.
- Oh, shit. Yeah.
- Your-Your-Your hat's on fire.
- Oh, shit!
- [CHARLIE] Stomp that out.
- The bug zapper got you.
- Wow.
Out of the way. Out of the way.
Out of the way. I got a cell phone.
[SCOFFS] I had to trade in
a couple of teeth for it.
- [EXCLAIMS] Whoa! Oh, shit.
- It's all right.
I'll get the robot kind put in.
Come on, let's bounce.
Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast there,
Frank. I mean, we got to think about
what Jay Kay would have wanted
us to do in this situation.
- Who? Oh.
- Um, Jamiroquai. Mr. Jamiroquai.
Okay, not his name.
His name's Jay Kay, but yes, okay?
[STAMMERS] Jay Kay, he saw all of this.
He had the wisdom.
I mean, he saw a future where people
get so distracted by technology
that they would lose their humanity.
Dude, look at this, man.
We're in paradise right now.
It's happening right now.
This is real life.
Dude, this is what
Jay Kay would've wanted.
He would've wanted us to stay here
instead of getting distracted by our
technology and forgetting about humanity.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah.
- Right.
Or
["VIRTUAL INSANITY" PLAYING]
[ALL CHEERING]
I guess we are going to
the concert after all.
Technology saved the day.
Yeah.
Well, except for some of us, you know?
But, you know, hey, look,
it'd be virtually insane of us
not to go to the concert at this point,
right? [CHUCKLES]
[CHARLIE] Dennis, pop the trunk.
Hang on, guys. [GRUNTS]
It's just a prototype, you know,
government contracts and all.
We gotta make sure we're getting those.
[GRUNTS] Now, let's do this thing.
There's still time to catch the concert.
Let's roll, guys.
Let's roll. [LAUGHS]
Yay!
Futures made of
Virtual insanity, now ♪
Always seem to be governed
By this love we have ♪
For useless twisting
Of our new technology ♪
Oh, now there is no sound
For we all live underground ♪
And I'm thinkin' what a mess
we're in Hard to know where to begin ♪
If I could slip the sickly ties
That earthly man has made ♪
And now every mother
Can choose the color ♪
Of her child
That's not nature's way ♪
[SONG FADES OUT]