It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s18e05 Episode Script

1
[DEE] I feel like we're
really close to the airport.
[CHARLIE] We are close to the airport,
right?
[DENNIS] I can smell the jet fuel.
[MAC] Guys, you're focused on the wrong
things. Look, check out the quilt.
Is this what you've been talking about
the whole time, this-this giant blanket?
It's-It's not a blanket.
It's the Quilt of Legends.
Each square represents the
most sensational moment
from that year's Ren Faire.
- Whoa. That's kind of cool.
- Hmm.
So, hang on, is there a way that
we can get up on this quilt?
Yeah, there's blank spaces.
That's what I've been talking
about the whole ride up here, guys.
- Oh! That's badass, dude.
- I belong up there, you know?
- I blocked him out.
- What's with the dude
with the avocado guitar?
What's that guy?
Uh
No, he's a bard, and that's a lute.
He's hard,
and you're telling me that's a flute?
No, a-a lute.
Yeah, I'm not seeing
a lot of women up there.
Oh, that's because women don't
drive story, Dee. Never have.
- Yeah.
- What are you talking about?
Women are at the center
of tons of stories.
- Name one.
- [DEE SCOFFS]
- [DENNIS] Yeah.
- Rapunzel.
[STAMMERS] Pretty passive, Dee.
I mean, it's just a woman waiting in
a tower for men to climb her hair.
- I think the hair's driving that story.
- [CHUCKLES] Right.
- You know?
- That's the story
of a prince with
incredible core strength.
- It is his story.
- Yeah. The hair is the vehicle to
What's with the one with the
bare-ass guy and the rodent?
[MAC] Oh. That's old. Forget about that.
Forget about that one?
That's, like, the greatest one.
- What's going on with that?
- It's right in the middle.
- What is that?
- It was a time in the '80s
where homophobia was rampant,
and there was all these crazy stories
about people putting
gerbils up their asses
- Oh, right.
- and, like, it's all bullshit.
None of it actually happened.
I do like the fact that there's
a sexual path to quilt glory.
I might explore that.
- [CHARLIE] Okay.
- There's a real nerd kink to these things.
- Really?
- I mean, there's a whole
underground sex thing here.
Yeah, nerd sex.
- They're all banging each other?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- No, don't make this about sex, okay?
- This is their time to shine.
This is about chivalry and bravery
and being transported in time.
It's about immersing
yourself fully in the world.
[ANNOUNCER] Hold for dragon!
There's a dragon? What was that?
[WHOOSHING]
[DEE EXCLAIMS]
What the shit?
[SNEEZES] Yeah, yeah,
we're kind of close to the airport.
- Yeah.
- Dude, that thing almost landed on us.
- ["TEMPTATION SENSATION" PLAYING]
-
["SYMPHONY NO. 9" PLAYING]
[MAC] What do you guys wanna do first?
Throw axes, or joust, or LARP,
which stands for Live Action Roleplay,
which is basically just
bashing nerds with foam swords.
Guys, check this out.
I just went,
and I got our parking ticket validated.
- So, how's that for driving story?
- Nice.
- Boring story.
- No, not boring.
No, that It's-It's active. I took
initiative and I got it done. So
- The guy stamping did it.
- Yeah, you were just there.
No, you're not getting it. Okay, I
- I lost it. I think it fell out.
- Yeah.
It's fine.
You know what, give me a second.
- I'm gonna go look for it. I'll find it.
- Go get the ticket.
Riveting story, Dee. I'm sure
they will speak of this for eons.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Good story.
Hey, you know what, guys, I think I'm
gonna go dig up one of those lutes
- and be hard, you know?
- What?
I kind of want to get one of
those avocado guitars, all right?
- I wanna shred.
- You're leaving us?
Yeah, I'm just gonna poke around.
Uh, yeah, speaking of getting hard,
that maiden just winked at me.
Where?
The one right there with
the incredible bosom.
I must pursue this.
- Wha You're leaving us too?
- You pursue it.
This they will speak of,
I can assure you.
[ATTENDANT] Into the canals of pleasure.
["SYMPHONY NO. 9" CONTINUES]
Ho there.
- What's up?
- Not so fast, my lord.
For if you wish to seek the
tender delights of the flesh,
thou-est must deal with me,
for I am Kevin.
- Kevin, huh? Okay. Uh
- Yeah.
- Oh, is that your
- My maiden?
- Yeah, is she?
- Indeed she is.
- Oh, shit, okay.
- But if thou-est desires a taste,
then thou may take-est a sip.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Oh, shit, that's that's kinky, man.
- Yes.
Hey, so what's the catch, though, buddy?
Like, are you gonna wanna watch or
are you gonna try to slide in there?
What I ask of you is a
riddle to prove thy worth.
Yeah, uh, sure. Yeah, man, a riddle.
Fire away. What you got?
I move in silence,
sometimes ahead, sometimes behind,
but lose me in the light,
and I am hard to find.
- What am I?
- Are you a shadow?
- Indeed, I am.
- [LAUGHS] Yes!
You have proved your worth.
Oh. Okay, yeah. Do I have to do
anything else, or is that it?
That's it.
Oh. That's awesome, man.
All right, Kevin.
Great. Yeah, you nerds are all right,
man. [LAUGHING]
- Have fun, dude.
- Oh, I'm gonna.
["SYMPHONY NO. 9" PLAYING]
That's a hell of a spread they got.
They got three different
kinds of onions.
Who gives a shit, Frank?
We're here for legacy and glory,
and to get on that quilt.
You think they'll allow us
to double up on the toppings?
What? I don't know.
[EXAGGERATED BRITISH ACCENT]
Frank Reynolds?
- Yo.
- The king is ready to receive you.
What's this guy's deal, Frank?
You want me to knock this nerd out?
No, no, no, this is for me.
I reached out to the owner of the faire.
I'm gonna buy this place.
You're going to run a Renaissance Faire?
No, I'm gonna bulldoze this dump.
I'm going to put up a data center.
All right, well, look, look.
You wait here and load
me up with an omelette
as much shit as they'll
let you put in it.
I-I don't want to wait in
line all day for eggs, man.
- I want to get on that quilt.
- Look, look, look. I'll tell you what,
you get me a loaded omelette,
and I will put you on that quilt.
And I will display it right in
the lobby of the data center.
- Really?
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay, I trust you.
- Why?
- Huh? What did you say?
- Nothing.
- Just get me the omelette, okay?
- Okay.
- I'm gonna go with the guy. All right.
- Yeah. All right. Okay.
["SYMPHONY NO. 9" PLAYING]
What's with those nachos?
Can I get in on that?
Those are the royal nachos.
- So that's a no?
- [PHONE BUZZING]
The king approaches!
- [OFF-KEY HORN BLOWING]
- Oh! Oh!
You gotta blow that right in my face?
So [CHUCKLES] Frank Reynolds, you
repugnant little man, you remember me?
No, I don't think so.
How about now?
Or now?
You guys from under the bridge?
We're the McPoyles, you son of a bitch,
and there's no way in hell
you're getting our land.
We rose from this land,
and when the sky falls,
we shall sink back into it.
Like clams in their mating season.
This land has nourished the
McPoyles for over a hundred
- [ANNOUNCER] Hold for dragon!
- [AIRPLANE WHOOSHING]
What the
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- years!
- Years.
It was foolish of Ryan to
consider your proposal.
I simply thought we should hear him out.
Quiet the boy!
- [YELPS] Quiet, fool!
- [GROANS]
See, Father and Ryan aren't speaking
on account of his past
foolish investments.
You have the video store,
you have the bowling alley,
and now the data.
[CRYING] I've brought shame
to our family's portfolio.
Now I'm the number one boy.
- Philip, do it.
- The royal meeting is over.
Don't blow that horn.
[HORN BLOWS]
So that's it? You're not gonna sell?
Okay, well, you got no honor.
I'm telling you. You hear me?
You have no honor.
- Honor?
- Honor.
- You question my honor?
- Yes, I question it.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Not you, not you. You, golden boy.
[LIAM MUMBLES]
- Oh.
- [BOTH GIGGLING]
Okay, Franken Berry [INHALES DEEPLY]
Father will consider your offer
if you can best him
at a royal challenge.
[HORN BLOWS]
Will you stop blowing the horn? I'm
going to stick that right up your ass.
He who blink-eth lose-eth.
- A staring contest.
- You blink, you lose!
[STAMMERS] Weird, but okay.
Curses upon you, you repulsive turd.
May your eyes be dry as a bagel
and crunchy as the desert sand.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Hey, man,
any way I could skip ahead of you?
No, you already cut the line,
like, three times.
I know, I just
I got places to be, so
- We all have places to be.
- Yeah, yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
If I had a stick, I'd just be like,
"Bash, bam, bash."
And I'd be like, "Block,
force field, backlash spell."
- And then you'd be damaging yourself.
- No, I wouldn't be.
I'd be damaging you,
because there are no force
fields in medieval times, nerd.
- Renaissance.
- [STAMMERS] Renaissance?
We're in the Renaissance time.
This is a Renaissance
You're an elf. What time are you from?
We walkers of time have no time.
- We exist everywhere.
- Bash!
- Block! Force field!
- Crash!
- Bash!
- Block! Force field. Backlash spell.
- Goddamn nerds, I can't take it.
- Yo!
Check it out.
I'm a medieval dude
In medieval times ♪
I got a lute
And I got mad rhymes ♪
I'm hot as hell
In medieval times ♪
On an avocado guitar, yeah! ♪
- [LAUGHS]
- That's pretty good, yeah.
This thing's sick, dude.
What's going on with you?
Frank's got me on this BS
omelette quest or some shit.
Dude, oh, dude, you remember that
chick we saw earlier that I followed?
She was so hot, man,
and I banged her and
[CHUCKLES] Oh, shit, you got the
you got the lute. Is that what it is?
- Yeah. You know what?
- Yeah.
You should sing a song about
the chick that I just banged.
- Dude, she was so
- Yeah, but I didn't see it happen, man,
- so it's kind of weird. It's like
- [DENNIS GROANS]
I could describe it to
you in great detail.
But then you'd just be like
I'm a guy who likes
To make up stories ♪
No, I didn't make it up.
I'm singing of my glories ♪
Well, you're singing of my glories.
This is a lute, not a lyre
This is a lute, not a lyre ♪
I'm making up bullshit ♪
You should be really careful
with that kind of stuff
because then lies become gossip,
gossip become rumors.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah.
- Next thing you know,
you're that guy with
the gerbil up his ass.
The story follows you around forever.
- Okay. No, I don't want that.
- You guys.
You guys are not gonna
believe what just happened.
- What?
- Okay, what?
So I went out to look for that
missing parking ticket, right?
And when I was bending over to pick
it up, I got blasted by a horse.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Oh, is that it?
- Crazy though, right? Isn't that crazy?
And the thing is that story's
nuts and I drove that story.
- Uh, no, you didn't drive that story.
- Lotta horse driving, yeah.
Dee, you getting kicked by a
horse is not you driving story.
If anything, the thing
driving the story is the horse.
In that story, the horse is the hero.
Yeah, the horse is the hero, right?
Yeah, and there's kind of
no way to sing about that.
- There's no way into that song.
- It's a song about a horse, right?
Who was just trying to live its life
and then got understandably annoyed
by an irritating and
insignificant woman,
and had to kick her out of the way.
[IMITATING MISTER ED] I'm annoyed at Dee
She's in my way ♪
Maybe it is a good song. [CHUCKLES]j
I'll kick her In her head ♪
- It's not Mister Ed, I mean
- Yeah, he's not Mister Ed.
- Yeah, it's not a good story.
- Shut up, nerd. Focus on the line.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Uh You know what?
Let's go find that chick, dude,
because I really want you to see her
- Yeah, I wanna sing
- and she'll speak of it.
[ANNOUNCER] Hold for dragon!
[AIRPLANE WHOOSHING]
- [SNEEZES]
- Oh. Immunity spell. Immunity spell.
- Show me the tent where you made love ♪
- Yes. It's this one right here.
- All right, man, chill out.
- Show me the ♪
- This is
- Oh. Jesus, dude. What's that smell?
- It does smell bad. Yeah. What is that?
- Is that
- I don't know, it's like
- Did you have sex in that stench, dude?
Uh
Yeah, that is coming from the tent.
But no,
it wasn't like that when I was in there.
I mean, it did smell a little bit like
that, but it was It's gotten worse
- Oh, dude. Yeah, it reeks, man.
- you know what I mean?
It's getting hotter outside,
so things are
- cooking up in there.
- That's nasty.
Halt. You, sir.
I am quite cross with you.
This is her husband Kevin, but it's okay.
They have like a kinky thing going on.
It's-It's all good. What's up, Kevin?
I thought we were all good.
- Oh, we were all good
- Uh-huh.
until you slinked off like a
thief in the night without payment.
Payment? No, no, no, I thought
Hang on a second,
I thought you said that the riddle
was all I had to do to bang your wife.
My wife?
Nay, sir, my employee.
My trick, if you will.
The riddle only provided
you access to the tent.
The deed itself requires
a payment of 100 quid,
and because you went off-menu,
it requires a payment of 150 quid.
You got to make it your own,
you know what I mean? [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, yeah.
- I don't know what you mean, sir.
She is my most experienced wench,
and I have found her confused,
sad, and despondent.
Okay, well, I'll just pay you,
and we'll move on.
What Do you take, like,
Apple Pay or Venmo or
I take Zelle.
Just, my Venmo's
all fucked up right now.
- Yeah, fine. Well, Zelle then.
- Okay.
- You want me to sing about this?
- Let's Zelle.
Yeah, I want you
to sing a song about it.
He's a middle-aged man
Who disturbed a prostitute ♪
What? D-Don't-Don't sing
No, don't sing about that part of it.
- Sing-Sing about how I
- Well, that's what happened.
No, but she was like hot and-and
You went off-menu, dude,
and you creeped the lady out.
[SIGHS] All right, you know what?
Ah, goddamn it.
[SIGHS] Here's what I'll do.
I'm-I'm gonna find another maiden, okay?
Even more desirable. Someone who
has nothing to do with Kevin, okay?
And mark my words, I'm gonna bang her,
and you are gonna watch,
and you will sing of it,
and they are going to quilt
the shit out of it. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, Kevin, do you mind if we
use the tent a little bit later?
Yeah, for 15 quid.
- Still don't know what a quid is, but
- Again, dude, just
It's like $20.
It's, like, basically the same.
Then just say $20, dude, like
Oh, yeah, yeah, let's not pretend
like I'm doing something special here.
- This is my art, okay?
- [PHONE CHIMES]
[♪PLAYING]
A lot of elfin magic
starts with the hands.
A lot like a hula dance, uh,
if you've ever been to Hawaii
and learned any of that.
- Yeah, I think you're up next.
- Nope.
This omelette is gonna make
my powers even more powerful,
because what is an egg?
A child of a chicken.
[FLY BUZZES]
[GASPS]
Frank, Frank, I got
your stupid omelette. Oh.
- He blinked. You blinked.
- No, I did not blink!
- I win. I won. You blinked.
- No, I did not. Victory!
- You blinked. You blinked.
- Silence! Silence!
There's only one way
to take care of this!
You must face me in a joust,
horse and man.
- [TRUMPET PLAYS]
- [GROANING]
Jesus, stop with the horn. Get bent.
I don't get on a horse, pal.
Wait, Frank, let me do it, man.
This is what I've been trying to do
all day. Let me bash these nerds.
This is my destiny.
- [LAUGHS]
- All right, Mac is gonna ride for me,
but if he wins,
you have to sell me the land.
By the cabbage in my colon,
so it shall be, but
- Golden boy.
- Oh, yeah.
[MUTTERING]
- Go
- Okay, Frankenboy, but if we win,
- we get an eye.
- Huh?
- An eye.
- And not just any eye.
Mac's beautiful baby brown.
- Now stand back up.
- [CACKLES]
Fuck that.
What happened to all the shit
about the courage and the destiny?
That was before we were talking about
plucking out my fucking eye, dude.
Wait, wait,
it's-it's only one eye, right?
- One. One eye.
- One eye. It's only one eye.
He's using cabbage in his
colon as collateral, Frank.
- It's valuable.
- I don't think this man
can be trusted in a negotiation.
What is it with you?
Do you want to get on
that stupid quilt or not?
I guarantee you, you win,
and you are on that quilt.
- Center.
- Promise?
Promise.
- Okay, I'll do it.
- Ah!
[FANFARE]
- [MUTTERS]
- [SHOUTS]
Jesus, stop with that horn.
Well, there's the parking
fee hike that they're doing
because they're not validating.
Well, that was, uh
That was excellent.
You did You did good.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, one more time, though,
you're not a prostitute, right?
Why do you keep asking me that?
I just Just triple-checking that.
[CHUCKLES]
Um, anyway,
this will be fun to talk about, right?
You're You're gonna talk about it?
Well, sure.
I-I think I should speak of this, yes.
Can-Can you not?
- Why? What's Oh, what's wrong?
- [CRIES]
[SOBS] I'm married.
- Yeah, you're married.
- [SOBBING CONTINUES]
My husband, he was in a car accident,
and he lost the use of his
His dick?
And it's been so long since we
- Sure.
- And this was so terrible. [CRYING]
- Wasn't that bad.
- And it smells so awful in here.
- This was a mistake.
- It doesn't smell great, but that wasn't
[CRYING CONTINUES]
It wasn't that bad.
It was That was
[SCOFFS] That was great.
Hey, dude, this was, uh
this was really disturbing.
I-I don't think I could sing about this.
Fine. Don't.
Please don't, like, ever ask me
to watch you do that again, okay?
- Like, ever.
- Yeah.
Smells so bad in here, dude.
Like, so What-What is that?
Yeah, well, it's not me, dude.
There's been countless people in here,
I'm sure.
My God. Dude, I don't even know if we
can be, like, friends anymore, man.
That's fine, yeah.
I can't believe you do that to people.
Why don't you just get out of here, man?
["SYMPHONY NO. 9" PLAYING]
- Let me explain the one move to you. I
- I don't want to know
- any more about it. It's super weird.
- But I just want you to know
- Here he is. What's up, dude?
- Hey. What's going on here?
Yo, what is this?
Oh, Mac is gonna joust Liam McPoyle.
And if he wins, I get to buy this
dump and turn it into a data center.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, cool. And if he loses?
They dig out his eye.
Oh, shit.
[CHUCKLES] Whoa.
- That is medieval.
- Yeah, it is.
- Yeah.
- What you two been up to?
I really don't want to talk about it.
Yeah, I just
[FANFARE]
- That guy with his goddamn horn.
- Yeah.
Lords and ladies,
the joust is about to begin!
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Jousters, make ready.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [PAPPY CHUCKLES] Look at my boy.
That's so fun, my boy,
my favorite, my
Say, uh, has Mac ever ridden a horse?
- Shit if I know.
- I don't think he has.
- Dude's gonna get blasted.
- I think so. [CHUCKLES]
Go!
["RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" PLAYING]
- [THUD]
- [CROWD GASPS, MURMURS]
Ooh. Told ya.
There goes the data center.
[CHUCKLES]
[PANTING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [CROWD GASPS]
Oh, shit!
An eye for an eye. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
My eye!
Ryan!
[CROWD GASPS]
I'm blind!
The shame! The horror!
Breathe in. Suck a [INHALES] Try to suck.
[INHALES] Try to suck in with your eye.
Can you do that? It's not going in.
Who is responsible for this skulduggery?
'Twas I, Lady Dee.
Puller of strings, master of puppets,
and driver of all story.
We will have our revenge.
Nobody messes with the McPoyles!
[SOBS] We better get the
fuck out of here. [GRUNTS]
Uh, I don't know what's happening.
Dee, you look very cocky.
You want to explain?
The limp, it's not real.
I made it all up.
- Why, Dee?
- Yeah, why?
Guys, I was never even
kicked by a horse.
- What the
- What is she blathering about?
- I have no fucking
- I don't know.
You said women couldn't drive stories,
so I masterminded this entire thing.
See, I was spying on Frank
when I heard Liam say that Ryan was
no longer in his father's favor.
Now I know that Mac talks
a big game all the time,
but he's just a big pussy, and there's
no way he would ever risk losing an eye.
So I convinced Ryan to
switch places with him.
And then when Mac was off
doing whatever he was doing,
I went and got a new
parking ticket validated.
So, you see, everything that happened
here today was all because of me.
I drove every story.
It's true. I gotta hand it to you, Dee.
That is all true,
and it actually is a really good story.
- Except for the parking ticket.
- I was gonna say. Yeah.
- Yeah. You could've left that out.
- I regret saying that.
You keep trying to throw in
something about a parking ticket.
As soon as it was coming out of my mouth,
I was like, "What are you talking about?"
- Forget that part.
- That's all right.
Either way, Dee,
I gotta admit, you earned it.
I think you're gonna be the
one up on that quilt this year.
Yeah! Yes!
- [ANNOUNCER] Hold for dragon!
- Ah, shit.
[GRUNTING]
- [SNEEZES]
- [SQUEAKS]
["SYMPHONY NO. 9" PLAYING]