It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s18e09 Episode Script

1
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- [DENNIS] Oh.
- "You have received a new review on Yelp."
- [DEE] Oh.
"Genuinely horrible bar,
sticky floors, warm beer."
- Sticky floors?
- That's a knock on you.
- That's a knock on you.
- You don't want slippery floors.
- [DEE] Is that what they want?
- [FRANK] Exactly.
Oh, I'm sorry, as soon as I clean that,
I put another stick down
so that people won't slip.
Uh, this one just says,
"Don't come to this Albanian bar."
What? We are not an Albanian bar!
- I hate Albanians!
- [DENNIS] What Mac.
- You don't even know where Albania is.
- Do we like Albania now?
- Well, either way
- [FRANK] Albanians are nice people.
other people are dictating
whether we're a good bar
or a bad bar or an Albanian bar
or not and then, you know, like,
we gotta do something to get back on
the right side of the community here.
You know, get them back on our side.
Hi, good afternoon.
Would you be interested
in making a donation to our
Little League baseball team?
Get out of here,
you little begging Albanian rats!
Mac! What are you [SCOFFS]
Well, sorry, I I'm mad at a website,
and I didn't mean to call you Albanian.
That's mean.
No, it's not mean to call
somebody Albanian, okay?
- There's nothing wrong with
- I'm sorry,
- I don't understand my own racism.
- Just stop, okay?
Let Will you let the child speak?
Uh, we can come back later if
you need some time to calm down.
- No.
- [CHARLIE] We're calm.
- I'm calm as shit.
- We are perfectly calm.
Did I not say let the child speak?
- You are the child, are you not?
- [DEE] Yeah?
- So speak, child, speak.
- [DEE] You better talk.
Uh Okay.
We were hoping to get
new gear for our tournament.
We have candy for $5, hats for $30,
and if you sponsor our team,
we'll put your name on our jerseys.
- Yeah, Mac was right.
- [CHARLIE] This is begging.
- They are Albanians!
- Get out of here!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait, wait, wait. Sponsor?
You mean we could buy a baseball team?
Uh, I mean,
we're just selling candy and stuff.
Silence, child!
Frank has a plan brewing.
Frank, what are you thinking? [SIGHS]
-
- ["TEMPTATION SENSATION" PLAYING]
[SONG ENDS]
I just wanted to say thank you
for saving our team.
You really have no idea how much
this means to our community.
Oh. Good, good.
Put it in your review, okay, hon?
- Yeah.
- What review?
The Albanian one. I
[STUTTERS] I don't know,
the one that we were
talking about before.
I got oranges here!
Fresh oranges for the boys.
Nothing surly about that.
Just bringing in some vitamin C.
- Would you like an orange?
- No, I'm okay.
You should try one
'cause they're really good for you.
- I'm good.
- Can you take a fucking orange?
- It's a heavy pail.
- Okay.
There you go.
Yeah, you'll want to write
about that in the review.
Coach, can we have a word real quick?
- [MAC] Yeah.
- Sure, fellas, what's going on?
- [CHARLIE SIGHS]
- Well, who do you like in the three-hole?
Wow, I haven't decided yet.
I don't know, Bradley?
Ah, we thought you were going to say that.
Yeah, we don't love Bradley, right?
Don't love Bradley in the three.
Yeah, I don't think he's got the stuff.
Also, what's going on with Jason?
Need a little more pepper
out of that bat, don't we?
[LAUGHS] You're hazing me.
I love it. I love it. Hey!
Everybody!
Hey, everybody, I'm Coach Bob.
I just want to say thank you to our
new sponsors for hosting us today.
And I just wanna say
I'm really, really proud
of the effort we've
given so far this year.
We're not perfect, right?
But the goal isn't to be perfect.
The goal is to be building memories
together, and we're doing that.
And we're going into this next
tournament, we're gonna keep hustling,
we're gonna keep working hard.
But most importantly,
we're gonna have fun.
- [PATRONS] Yeah!
- [COACH BOB] Yeah!
[CHEERING, WHOOPING]
- Hey. Come on in.
- Hey.
- You guys wanted to see me?
- [FRANK] Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Take a seat.
There's nowhere to sit.
- Good, make it faster.
- Yeah.
Listen, Coach, the organization is
gonna go in a different direction.
- Yeah.
- What organization?
- The franchise, the club.
- Yeah.
The Little League team?
Now, see,
that's your problem right there, Coach.
Little League teams playing little ball.
You're playing small ball, Coach.
Paddy's Pinstripes gotta have
giant balls, all right? [CHUCKLES]
I mean, not literally giant.
The kids are only 12, you know.
Although, I did see a significant
growth in my own testicles
between the ages of, I believe
it was 12 and 13, so, you know.
Actually,
there's some stats here to suggest
that there's around a 17%
growth rate at this age.
- And stats don't lie.
- Whoo.
What is happening here?
- You're out. You're fired.
- Yeah.
I'm a volunteer.
- Good, no severance.
- Yeah.
This is insane!
Who's gonna coach the team?
[ORGAN PLAYING
"TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME"]
All right. [SPITS] Let's turn
two on this one, right? Let's go!
Let's go! Hustle, hustle, hustle!
Turn two! Turn two!
All right,
I wanna see the button on that cap
when you scoop that ball, right?
Like this.
I want to see the button on that cap.
None of this chin up stuff.
Can't be afraid of the ball.
Hey, Coach, I think
they might be scared of the ball
because they're not wearing cups.
- I'm gonna have to do a jock check.
- Do not fondle the children.
Look, we need discipline
on this team, Charlie.
I'm looking around.
I'm seeing untucked shirts.
I'm seeing necklaces.
I'm seeing long hair.
- Did we bring scissors?
- Coach, do not cut the kids' hair, okay?
[SPITS] Look, I like the ragtag team.
[SPITS] They like to have a unique look.
It gives them team spirit.
[SPITS] Let them have team spirit,
all right, Mac? It builds morale. [SPITS]
Would you stop spitting
those seeds at me?
Also, are you eating the shells
and spitting out the seeds?
[SPITS] I don't know what's going on.
Yeah, that might be it.
That's why I'm so thirsty. You know,
grab the fungo, I gotta get some water.
All right! He's got the fungo.
I gotta get some water.
All right, boys! Line up! [BLOW WHISTLE]
- How they looking?
- [DENNIS INHALES SHARPLY]
[SIGHS] Not loving the arms, Frank.
I'm a little worried about the pitching.
Also, I'm not really sure
what Mac is doing.
[BLOWS WHISTLE] Okay, gentlemen,
we're gonna raise our fists to the sky.
We're gonna bring them down to our cups.
Are we ready?
Three, two, one, go!
[TEAM GROANS]
- Again!
- [GROANING CONTINUES]
How many of those candy
bars have you had, bud?
You buy the team,
you buy the candy, Dennis.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay, all right.
Ownership is all about the spoils.
Well, the stats on obesity
amongst ownership do support that.
- A lot of fat guys.
- Yeah, a lot of fat guys.
Hey, uh, Coach, we gotta talk
about our backup second baseman.
He stinks on ice.
I think we should cut him.
- Him?
- [MAC] Yep.
Hell no. That's our lucky little fella.
Lucky little fella?
Lucky little fella, Mac.
Every team's gotta have one.
[SPITS] When I was playing ball,
we had this kid on our team, you know?
Little guy, scrambled brains, had one
of the syndromes, you know what I mean?
Down syndrome, up syndrome,
some kind of syndrome, right?
Could the kid play ball?
No, of course he couldn't play ball.
He could barely even
string two words together,
but he was great for team spirit.
Someone gets a hit, he starts hooting
and hollering, slapping up and down.
Everybody loves this kid, you know.
You rub his head for good luck,
you hit a home run, and guess what, Mac?
We won the team championship that year
all 'cause of the lucky little fella.
Now this kid here, I don't know
what he's got, probably something.
- But he's good for team spirit
- Yeah.
and we need a lucky
little fella like that.
[CHARLIE] Hey, Lucky!
Yeah, you! Bring it on in here, Lucky!
Guys, look at the hustle!
Look at his team spirit there.
The kid can barely run,
and he's pounding his way over here.
Lucky's not our problem.
Pitching's the issue here, Mac.
Hey, kid, I'm gonna call you Lucky
'cause I got a lucky feeling about you,
know what I mean?
I got that good vibe off you, okay?
- Hey, you hungry? You like oranges?
- My cup itches.
- Uh-huh? [SPITS] Hey, Dee!
- Yeah?
Hey, fire me over one of those
oranges for Little Lucky over here.
- This is our lucky little fella.
- You got it!
Come on!
Holy Toledo!
You seeing what I'm seeing, Frank?
Yeah, the movement on them
oranges is off the charts.
Hey, Dee, you give that orange 100%?
[SCOFFS] Yeah, right.
- [SPEED GUN BEEPS]
- Holy shit.
- What's the scouting report on her?
- Uh
Yeah. I-I got that right here.
Deandra Reynolds, uh
gangly, bad attitude,
all-around unpleasant person.
Yeah.
Dude, are you seriously
opening another candy bar?
The spoils, Dennis. The spoils.
It is a beautiful day for baseball
here at South Philly
Pulaski Park Fields.
I'm Timmy Talhoon,
and you are listening to South
Philadelphia Youth Baseball Radio.
That's cool. Look at that.
They got a kid doing play-by-play.
Don't get distracted.
What's the stats on the opposing team?
["TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME"
PLAYING]
Where did you get milk?
[HOARSE VOICE] Hey, Dee! How's the wing?
Ready to rock!
- What's with your voice?
- Seeds are drying me out.
All right, boys, stand up!
- Tap your cups.
- [TEAM GRUNTS]
- Take the field.
- Let's go!
Here they come, folks.
Paddy's Pinstripes taking the field
with their starting pitcher
[CROWD BOOING]
[TIMMY] Deandra Reynolds.
And the crowd is
understandably perplexed.
Oh, yeah?
Whatever, you dumb cunts.
What is she doing? She can't pitch.
- Yes, she can!
- It's in the bylaws!
- Dennis, Dennis!
- Dennis!
You're up.
Yep, here we go.
[CHARLIE] You gotta read the bylaws,
okay?
[DENNIS] I got you! I got you!
Listen up, listen up.
Hi, Dennis Reynolds, GM of the Pinstripes.
So, according to the bylaws here,
no boy over the age of 12
will be allowed to play,
but as you can see here,
our pitcher, well, that's not a boy.
This is bullshit! It means any child!
[STUTTERS] Well, listen,
it could be a sexist oversight
on behalf of the league.
You know, I don't make the rules.
But you can play any adult woman you
like, if you have any on your roster.
You got a woman pitcher, you put her in!
This is crazy!
You gotta stop this, Kenny!
Well, actually, if you do, uh, Kenny,
you're gonna be facing
a pretty hefty lawsuit
from a very pricey law
firm that we've hired.
Hey, hey, hey!
Kenny, can we play ball or what?
Guys, I don't know what to tell you.
I'm getting paid 30 bucks to do this.
- That sounds like a yes.
- Let's just play ball.
Oh, my God.
You're a little bitch, Kenny!
Play ball? Play ball!
- Fuck you.
- Back at you, back at you!
Now, to play ball, let's go, let's go!
And it looks like this charade
of a game is going to be allowed
to continue as the Drexel
Hill Tigers come to the plate.
[KENNY] All right, here we go!
[SONG ENDS]
[DEE] I don't know what that means.
What are you doing?
Yo, Dee! [WHISTLES]
- [DEE] I don't know what you're doing.
- Do what Coach is saying.
I don't know what any of this shit means.
How about I just throw the goddamn ball?
- Okay?
- [PLAYER] Whoo, you got this!
[KENNY] Strike one!
- This is gonna be good.
- It is, yeah.
- This is gonna be good.
- [DENNIS CHUCKLES]
- ["CENTERFIELD" PLAYING]
- Oh, put me in, Coach ♪
- [KENNY] Strike two!
- [MAC] Here we go!
[KENNY] Strike three!
Put me in, Coach ♪
I'm ready to play ♪
- [KENNY] Strike three!
- Oh, come on!
Look at me I can be center field ♪
- [KENNY] Strike three!
- [DEE] It's so easy!
It's just too easy!
["CENTERFIELD" CONTINUES]
Well, I spent some time
in the Mudville Nine ♪
- You got nothing!
- [GUARDIANS YELLING]
[DEE SHOUTS]
[KENNY] Strike two!
[LAUGHS] You suck!
You're a loser! You're a loser!
We have ourselves
a heck of a pitching duel
as the bats on both teams
have gone ice-cold.
Have to admire the stamina
of the 50-year-old.
- [KENNY] Strike three!
- [DEE EXCLAIMING, GROANING]
As we can tell, she's in agony
with each remaining pitch.
Way to go, Dee!
- Way to go!
- Oh, God.
My goddamn arm, it's about to break off.
Get her some ice, Mac!
Dee, your work's almost done.
- One more run, boys, we win this thing!
- [DEE GROANS]
- You got your cup in, Dee?
- Get off me! Jesus.
Nothing, nothing in the final inning
as Paddy's has managed to
load the bases with two outs.
- Lucky, you're up!
- What?
Lucky, I'm putting you in the game.
What's he saying?
- He's saying he wants you to bunt.
- I want you to bunt.
- Just put on the helmet.
- Yeah, get out there, Lucky!
- There you go.
- You got this.
[KENNY] Batter up!
Who's this kid?
- What are you listening to?
- You talking to me?
Yes, what are you listening to?
I'm listening to the kid in the booth.
He's incredible.
He's like a modern-day Vin Scully.
Well, knock it off and get your head
back in the game. Who is this kid?
I-I don't know, Frank.
There's no stats on him.
- He's never actually made it to bat.
- Fuck me.
Hey, death squad, do something.
[STADIUM ORGAN PLAYING]
[KENNY] Time! Dead ball, take your base.
Ah! He got hit in the balls!
- We win, we win, we win! He gets on base.
- Oh, we win.
Ball game!
We won!
- Hey, Coach. That's why you wear a cup.
- [LAUGHS] Uh-oh.
- Oh, shit.
- Uh-oh.
- [TEAMMATES CHEER]
- Oh, yeah!
[CHEWING] No.
What happened out there
was unacceptable.
What are you talking about, Frank?
We won.
[CHEWING] We won because of a
hit by pitch. You got lucky.
Damn right we got lucky. That's because
of our lucky little fella.
See, Charlie knows that
it's baseball luck to have
a special needs kid on the team.
- What do your stats say about that?
- [CHEWING] Yeah.
The problem is, of course,
he's now out for the season,
and we're gonna need
a new special needs kid.
- Possibly a tad more severe case. Yeah.
- You wanna up the case.
- No Albanians!
- No, no, can't have Albanians.
You know what? I don't have my book on me,
but I know the stats don't support that,
and you are all turned around
on this Albanian thing.
[CHEWING] Yeah, look, I spent top
dollar on this team, and I want results.
Why's Frank get a hot dog?
You guys both have hot dogs?
I want a hot dog.
The spoils.
- Buy the team, you get the hot dogs.
- [FRANK] Mmm.
- Hot dog.
- Who's pitching today?
- [CHARLIE] It's got to be Jones.
- Yes, it's got to be Jones
because he's got
a pretty good splitter, so
- Wrong.
- It's Dee again.
- [FRANK] Dee.
- Dee? No, her arm is shot.
Can't afford to lose this game, Coach.
Gotta do whatever it takes.
- Stats support it.
- You talking about, "All about the stats."
[MUMBLING INDISCERNIBLY]
But you're not taking my baseball!
Ah! You know what this is?
That's my baseball!
It's all my baseballs.
- [BASEBALL BUCKET CLATTERS]
- [YELLS INDISCERNIBLY]
What'd he say?
Yeah, he didn't drink any water and we
won the game, and he's so superstitious.
I have not seen him take
any fluids for 48 hours.
- [FRANK] Mmm.
- Oh.
I should probably go check on him.
Hey, Coach! Coach?
[FRANK] Hmm.
Who you calling?
I gotta make some changes.
I need to get some more ringers.
- [LINE RINGING]
- Also, you're fired.
I'm fired? Why am I fired?
You listen to the play-by-play,
eating all my dogs,
and it's not working out.
We're just gonna go
in a different direction.
- [PERSON ON PHONE] Hola.
- Hola. Mmm.
All right, boys, let's go, stretch it out.
We got a beautiful day for baseball.
[COACH BOB] Hey, hey.
What's going on over here?
Hey, Coach Bob.
You got a new coaching gig?
- Who the heck are all these kids?
- Oh, these guys.
Yeah, this is, uh, Philepe,
Jose, Ramiriz, Cortez, Ramon
[ORGAN PLAYING
"TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME"]
What's with the crazy
person in the corner?
[GRUNTS]
Ah, we picked up
a new lucky little fella.
- He's not little.
- [GRUNTS]
Best we can do on short notice, Dee.
We tied him down to be safe.
- I think that's for the best, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Just don't go near him.
- I wasn't planning on it.
Don't listen to the girl, Lucky.
Look at the game, look at the game.
- Hey, Lucky.
- [LUCKY GRUNTS]
- Breathe, breathe, Lucky, all right? Stay!
- [LUCKY BREATHING DEEPLY]
Well, Timmy, looks like
we are in for a good one today
as the Paddy's Pinstripes have
replaced their entire starting lineup
with what appears to be
international talent.
An unorthodox move.
Almost as unorthodox as Dennis Reynolds,
a man I've never met,
joining me in the booth today, folks.
[LAUGHS] That's right, Tim,
and with approximately 84,000 children
abducted each year,
you do wanna be careful.
That said, uh, 93% of those
children do turn out to be runaways,
so the numbers are in your favor.
It's a strange and disturbing factoid,
Dennis.
Seventy-two degrees on
this beautiful afternoon
as the Pinstripes take the field.
[DENNIS] Let's hope for a good game today
as Deandra Reynolds takes the mound
for a second game in a row.
[BOOING]
A chorus of boos for Reynolds.
[JEERING]
Oh, fuck you! Charlie!
Charlie, my arm's about to die.
I think I only got one inning in me.
- You think you got one?
- I think I only got one.
Oh, God.
[SPITS]
[PHONE BUZZES, "TAKE ME OUT TO
THE BALL GAME" RINGTONE PLAYS]
Yeah, what?
No, no, no, no, no.
She's staying in. She's staying in!
[SPITS]
- [SPITS]
- What
Drink a goddamn glass of water!
- [DEE GRUNTS]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
[KENNY] Strike!
Keep your eyes open.
Stupid kid.
- [KENNY] Strike, you're out!
- Come on!
Oh, it's gone!
[LAUGHS]
[KENNY] Strike! Strike! Strike!
[SCREAMS, LAUGHS] Yeah, yeah, you suck.
[JOVIAL MUSIC]
[YELLING, CHEERING]
Nice.
[DEE SHOUTS]
- [KENNY] Strike three!
- Go, you're gone. You're good.
It's third strike, dum-dum.
Come on!
Oh, oh, oh. [YELLS] Out of there!
Pinstripes looking absolutely
dominant out there today.
They are,
but Reynolds showing signs of fatigue.
You have to wonder how long that
50-year-old arm can keep this up
as the Pinstripe's manager
comes out to the mound.
Please, God, take me out. You have to.
-
- Well
The only word I understood was "gut,"
and yours is flooded with seed oils.
- All right, you've got this, man.
- [DEE YELPS]
- You've got this, man.
- [GROANS] Okay, stop it!
This is the last batter though!
This is the last one! [GROANS]
["THE NATURAL" PLAYING]
- [BONE CRACKING]
- [SCREAMS]
- [CROWD GROANS]
- [TIMMY, DENNIS GROAN]
- Uh-oh.
- [CHARLIE] Uh-oh.
- What's this?
- That's not good.
No!
- I heard it all the way in here, Talhoon.
- So did I, Dennis.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I'll bet.
Uh, fun fact, elongated noodle arms
are 57% more prone to dislocate
and 92% when their owner has
weak ligaments and shit posture,
not to mention the sheer
amount of alcohol abuse.
And she's a bitch and a bird.
Back to you, Tim.
[DEE CRYING] Oh, God.
Suck it up!
Probably should've pulled her earlier.
- Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah.
- [SIREN CHIRPS]
- Hold on, what's this now?
[SIRENS BLARING]
And in comes ICE.
Oh. Very regrettable scene here, Timmy,
as ICE agents scramble
to detain the children.
[DEE WAILING] Oh, God, no!
Don't let him get you!
[TIMMY] Have to wonder if that call came
from Pinstripe former coach, Bob D'Marco,
as the new Pinstripe
brass is in a tailspin.
- Oh, shit.
- [LAWYERS MURMURING]
Do something.
[GRUNTING, SCREAMING]
And here comes the lucky fella,
Pinstripes' mongoloid mascot
loose on the field.
- [GRUNTING, SCREAMING]
- [TIMMY] It's pandemonium, Dennis.
Not sure "mongoloid"
is the appropriate term.
Oh, it is, Timmy. It is.
It's derived from the word "Mongolian."
But in a surprising twist,
the man is actually Albanian.
- [MAC] Mmm.
- I don't know the playbook for this one.
Nope. It looks like
it's gonna sort itself out.
- Yeah.
- Let's get you some water.
Oh, that would be good.
Let's go. Let's get some water.
[LUCKY SCREAMING]
You hate to see it, Timmy.
It's a dark day for baseball.
Sure is.
["ON YOUR BIKE" PLAYING]
[SONG ENDS]