Family Guy s18e14 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a Fam ily Guy!
Ah! This is so exciting!
I can't believe Daddy actually bought
a Minor League Baseball team.
I love coming to the ballpark.
Drunken Irish in front
of a fishbowl of minorities.
What could go wrong?
Dad, what are you doing?
This is tailgating, son.
It's where you bring all your trash
and you leave it
for someone else to deal with.
Here, help me get this
Christmas tree out of the back.
(SNAPPING, CRACKING)
Meg's estrogen supplements?
(DEEP VOICE): I'll take that. Thank you.
So, what do you think
of your first tailgate, Stewie?
It's so great.
Dad gave me a sip of beer.
I'm gonna mention that to my teacher,
and it's gonna be a big problem.
Oh, there's Bonnie.
We always have so much fun
at these things.
Hey, Bonnie, who's on first?
Who, the person's name or the pronoun?
Ha! And it goes on like this.
Hey, Joe, how's it going?
Sorry, Peter, no time to talk.
- It's my day to shine.
- What?
(CHUCKLES): Yeah. Handicapped
person at the ballpark
Ramps, private escort, meet the team.
MAN: Is there a Joe Swanson?
- (GRUNTS)
- Right here!
Meet me at that sad balcony!
(ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE")
Well, here it is.
What do you think?
Wow, Daddy, it's beautiful!
Yeah, it's really great up here.
There's free food, a bar,
and you can drop
a plastic spider on a string
- on your friends below.
- Really?
Go, Quahog!
(SHOUTS)
I fell trying to lower a spider.
Good afternoon, fans,
and welcome to Minor League Baseball.
I'm your announcer,
Johnny "Feedback" Robinson,
- here to tell you about all the
- (FEEDBACK)
Whoa! Hold on, hold on.
SOUND TECH: Step back from the mic.
JOHNNY (DISTANTLY): Like this?
Okay?
Now for tonight's starting lineup!
First, your coach,
Frank "Cardiac Arrest" Ross.
(GROANING)
And the pitching coach,
Bill "Doesn't Know CPR" McGillicuddy.
Damn it! Where am I gonna get
another coach?
(MUNCHING)
I'm on vacation!
Aw, darn. That would've been funny.
Hey, Griffin, you want to be
a Minor League Baseball coach?
Seriously?
Heck yeah, I do!
Oh, man, I haven't been this excited
since I met Cool Hand Luke.
Wow. You got a cool hand, Luke.
Yeah, well, he doesn't follow the crowd.
He plays by his own rules,
and women respond to that.
Check this out.
"Hey, baby. You're looking fine."
(KISSING SOUNDS)
"Mmm. Oh, yeah.
Mmm. Mmm."
Oh, that's hot.
You mind if I get in on that?
"Oh, yeah.
"Mmm.
"Just FYI,
I'm either gonna finish
too quick or not at all."
All right, Griffin,
that cutaway convinced me
that you are, in fact, sure of this.
Now get down in that dugout
and do your job, Coach.
Aw, thanks, Carter!
I won't let you down,
or my name's not
Peter "Little Bingo" Griffin.
All right, little bingo. Let's go.
Little bingo here. Not a lot of bingo.
Don't want to play bingo
for a long time.
Short game of bingo.
Don't even have to play a little bingo.
Could play a little banjo.
Whoa, this guy knows what he's doing.
I don't know. I'm not convinced yet.
Ducks on the pond, guys,
ducks on the pond.
Chewing up bits of bread,
pooping in the pond.
Ducks on the pond. Some of 'em brown,
some of 'em prettier
All of 'em ducks.
Ducks on the pond.
I would follow him into hell.
- (CLACKING)
- Morning, team.
Peter, do you really have
to wear those in the house?
Yes, I do. I'm a baseball coach now.
You knew that when you married me.
Peter, you want some eggs?
I actually brought my
own breakfast today, thank you.
Ow. Gross!
What the hell, Dad?
(SIGHS)
Meg, can I, um
can I see you in my office, please?
Hey, thanks for coming. Take a seat.
- What's up?
- (SIGHS) This is
This is really the toughest part
of the business, isn't it?
Oh, my God, are you trading me?
Look, it's nothing personal.
You've been very professional
as a family member,
but here's the thing
We're sending you down to American Dad.
No! What? No!
Look, they're not excited
about it either.
I guess I could call The Orville.
(SIGHS) I'll do American Dad.
- (ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE")
- (CHEERING IN DISTANCE)
Okay, boys, this is it.
Bottom of the ninth.
We just need a bleep,
a bloop, a walk, a balk,
another balk,
and, of course, a little bingo.
Let's go!
(CHEERING)
That's it, boys! Walk-off home run!
Get out there and tear his clothes off!
He just won for us!
- Get him!
- (WHOOPING)
Yeah! Punch him!
Good! Curb him!
Okay, now pull his shirt over his head
and waterboard him with the Gatorade.
Yes! Cut him with knives!
Good! Burn him with fire! Yes!
Way to go, you!
All this is happening
because you did something well.
(LOIS MOANING)
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, Lois.
I, I'm gassed.
What's wrong?
You want me to get the wedge?
- What's going on, Coach?
- I'm losing it.
Maybe we should call in the kid.
Hey, no problem.
You went eight full minutes.
Bring in the kid!
(LOIS GIGGLING)
(GRUNTING)
- (BAT CLANGING)
- (PANTING)
All right. Bring us home, kid,
bring us home.
Little bingo. Ducks on the pond,
furry ducks, little man in a boat.
If you can find it,
you're a better man than I am.
I can't believe
the Quahog Whooping Scalpers
are actually going
to the playoffs this year.
To Coach Griffin!
Hey, thanks, guys.
All right, it's time for me to
Oakley-load for tonight's game.
Okay. Forehead Oakleys,
round-the-neck Oakleys,
brim-of-the-cap Oakleys,
back-of-the-head Oakleys,
tucked-into-my-shirt-collar Oakleys,
Everglades fan boat Oakleys,
and Ray-Bans for my eyes,
because Oakleys are terrible.
(ORGAN PLAYING "LET'S GO")
JOHNNY: All right,
it's Bucket-O-Shrimp Night,
brought to you by Rocco's
Lukewarm Refrigerator Trucks.
Rocco's We got it there, didn't we?
- (STOMACH GURGLING)
- Hmm.
That child's beach toy full of
gray baseball stadium shellfish
isn't sitting right for some reason.
Maybe I should smoke a cigarette
for the first time ever.
(GURGLING CONTINUES)
Okay, not a fix for now
but definitely something I
immediately want to keep doing.
Probably best to just add something hot
and acidic to the mix.
Burnt coffee!
Get your burnt, re-microwaved coffee!
I'll take one!
(GURGLING CONTINUES)
Oh, boy.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I think I
have to go to the bathroom, sir.
Not now. We're about
to do the national anthem.
(ORGAN PLAYING
"THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER")
Oh, boy. (GRUNTS)
It's like Medusa's hair in there.
(GURGLING)
I can't stop it.
Must sit in a way
that pinches my sphincter
shut.
- (GASPING)
- (NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD)
JOHNNY: Oh, my!
Looks like Coach Peter Griffin
is taking a knee
during your national anthem.
I'm Canadian.
What is he thinking "aboot"?
What's he doing?
He's not protesting the anthem, is he?
(FARTS)
Uh-oh.
Shrimp buckets!
All-you-can-eat shrimp!
Right here, dude.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
joined tonight by a very special guest,
Channel Five's own Tom Tucker Senior,
who hasn't been on the air since 1964.
Take it away, Dad.
Thanks, Tom.
More and more women are choosing
to work outside the home.
I call them prostitutes
And that's a wrap for Tom Senior.
Our top story tonight,
local baseball coach Peter Griffin
took a knee during
the national anthem today,
joining the fight for equalit.
Well, just finished a load.
Gonna do the laundry next.
Dad, check it out!
You're on the news for taking
a knee during the anthem.
- What?
- They called you a hero
and an activist.
- A hero?
- Yeah.
Because you took a knee
to support the fight
against police brutality.
Yeah, yes. That's what I did.
I can't believe my dad's a hero.
Oh, I'm no hero.
I'm just a white guy doing what
black people were already doing.
In other words, a hero.
Well, can I just say,
as the famed family liberal,
I think this activism is great, Peter.
Doesn't matter if it's me or, say, you
who gets applauded
for his progressive thinking,
as long as the message is out there.
Thank you, Brian.
(CHUCKLES): Wow. You-you are furious.
Not at all. As long
as the message gets out there.
I'm no different than my peers
Rosa Parks,
Nelson Mandela, Dr. Martin Luther King.
Hey, did you ever notice
he has the names "Doc"
and "Marty" in his name?
- Let it go.
- Hello, Twitter.
- (TWEET SOUND)
- (RAPID CHIMING)
And I have to move out again.
I don't know, Peter.
This all seems weird.
You never been interested
in these issues before.
A-Are you sure you're not just
exploiting a real social issue
so that people can call you a hero?
- You heard Tom Tucker.
- I'm an activist now.
I'm gonna go down in history,
like my great-great-grandfather,
John Wilkes Photo Booth Griffin.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Seinfeld,
which keeps getting edited down
more and more for syndication.
- No soup for
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Funny show.
Drinks are on me tonight,
thanks to your boy Peter.
Wow. Thanks, Jerome.
Well, thank you
for supporting the cause.
Wow, people just give you things now?
Yeah. Being an activist is great.
I get all kinds of respect now.
Check it out.
Here comes Cher to congratulate me.
Peter, that's just a barstool
with a fur coat draped over it.
Oh.
Well, I see Robert De Niro
headed this way.
That's a trash can
with a moldy pumpkin on top.
Ah. Well, I definitely see
Michael Rapaport over there.
That's someone's Boston Market
that fell on the floor.
- Peter, you okay?
- Yeah, so many liberals
patted me on the back today
that I lost my glasses.
(EYELIDS PINGING)
We're proud of you, Peter.
(GRUNTS)
In some comics, this means I'm sleeping.
All right. In order to prove
I'm an activist,
I need to yell at people
who are just trying to buy milk
on their way home from work.
Hello. Hi.
Have a nice day.
Hi there. Hello.
Do you have a minute
to save a child's life?
Yeah. I guess.
You got a minute. Ticktock.
What are you doing?
30 seconds now.
I'm listening.
What am I even convincing you of?
Tell me why Smokey the Bear
wears jeans but no shirt.
Why would they do that?!
- Is that what this is all about?
- That's what this is all about.
Peter, what the hell?
It's okay, it's okay.
"I voted."
So yeah.
- What does that matter?!
- Oh, well, I'm a part
of the national conversation
now, and I voted.
So my hands are kinda tied, so
yeah.
You know what? This whole activism thing
has gone on long enough.
You knelt at one game.
It's not like opportunity's
gonna come knocking on the door,
offering you money for it.
(KNOCKING)
Hi. I'm the president of Nike.
How'd you like some money?
LOIS: For crying out loud!
Mr. Griffin, we heard about your protest
and we no-heartedly believe
that, with your help,
we can conflate buying our
products with genuine activism.
- I voted.
- Yes.
And now we want to give you
a lot of money
to star in a commercial for us.
- What do you say?
- Well, I have two questions.
- Will there be a stipend?
- Yes.
Ah. And what is a stipend?
It's a fee for being in the commercial.
I'm in.
How do you know what's inside you
unless you test yourself?
Don't do one push-up,
do 100.
Don't run one mile,
- run a marathon.
- (HORNS HONKING)
Don't have one family,
have a second family
all the way across the country.
Don't just have a second family,
have a third family in Santa Fe
with an alternative lifestyle.
Don't spend any time
with the first two families,
make a commitment
to family number three,
and double down by announcing it
at his war-hero father's
retirement party.
Don't go to the funeral,
'cause, remember, you got
two other families to deal with
and a marathon to train for.
Don't just let Kenneth
walk out of your life,
take his life from him.
Don't just go to jail,
go to death row by killing
the two other families.
Don't just let anyone have
their closure by apologizing,
send a message that
you're not afraid of hell.
(BLEEP)
Nike.
You may not know this,
but our full name is Nichael.
Oh, my God! Peter Griffin!
- Can I have your autograph?
- Sure.
My friends are not
gonna believe I met you.
'Cause I'm a known liar.
- Okay.
- I love you. You're my hero.
- (SIGHS)
- I can fly.
Okay, I'm ready to move on
to the next person.
Well, now I don't know what to believe.
Carter. What are you doing here?
Peter, ever since you made
that stupid commercial,
my ticket sales have tanked!
Thanks to you, people now think
the Quahog Whooping Scalpers are racist!
You want me to sign your boobs?
Peter, your kneeling days are over.
Two strikes, two outs,
bottom of the ninth,
down by one, bases loaded,
Pewterschmidt up.
(CHANTING): Carter! Carter!
He grounded out in the second,
struck out in the fifth.
Hasn't been his day.
Here's the wind-up, the pitch
Strike three! And he knew it.
(GRUNTING)
- (CHIRPING)
- CARTER: Aw. Cute.
Look at the little birds.
Oh. Disney's not gonna like that.
Cleveland?
Wha Where am I?
Welcome to WaQuahog.
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, my God.
Why wasn't this The Cleveland Show?
This entire episode would have
been our season five premiere.
What happened to me? Where am I?
Have you ever seen Black Panther?
No. No. God, no.
Well, this is WaQuahog,
a secret part of Quahog
with technology more advanced
than any nation.
We brought you here to help you
after you were attacked
for your activism.
Really? So I'm the only white guy
who knows WaQuahog exists?
Well, you and one Postmates guy.
Hey, I got your Taco Bell breakfast.
Thanks.
Oh. I don't, uh,
I don't see a soda with that.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Um do you want me to go back?
Well, I mean kinda.
Okay, but since it's WaQuahog
it'll probably be, like,
- 45 minutes, at least.
- Yeah. I mean,
I ordered the soda
'cause I wanted the soda.
(SIGHS) Okay, man.
- See you in, like, an hour.
- Right on.
You better give him a big tip.
Pretty sure the tip is already
built into the service charge.
Wow! So this is, like, a secret kingdom
cut off from the rest of the world?
We got everything you need down here.
Even our own WaQuahog TV channel.
Oh, The Jeffersons.
Yeah, but they edit
all the shows for syndication.
- Weezy
- Mmm yeah.
- Now LeBron's a Laker.
- A Laker's now LeBron.
Yeah, that's not really working out,
but thanks for having me here, guys.
It is our pleasure.
We want to thank you.
By taking a knee, you showed the world
that you see the terrible
injustices our people face.
Of course, being an activist,
you already know all about them.
Oh, boy.
This is more uncomfortable
than sports announcers
in a too-small booth.
So, the Cowboys come in to today's game
winners of four of their last five.
So, Troy, what do they need to do
to beat this Eagles team today?
Well, Joe, you and I were talking
over chopped liver
and coffee this morning,
and we said it has to start
with the run game.
I remember after that
we Lady-and-the-Tramp'd
a croissant together
and said this O-line needs
to get healthy.
That's right, Joe.
And I hope the viewers out there
can see by the fact that
our lips are almost touching
that we are truly excited
about today's matchup.
Straight from your mouth
into mine, partner.
We do hope you'll join us in protest
by kneeling at the next game.
You bet I will!
C-Can I, can I just ask
one question, though?
What are Migos?
Peter, everyone has to find out
what Migos are for themselves.
(ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE")
A lot of eyes on you today, Griffin.
I'm counting on you
to do the right thing.
The only kneelin'
I want around here is Kevin.
Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt
Front row seats thanks
for having me at the game.
Pleased to meet you, Kevin.
I've got some seats for you
- in the front row.
- Oh, great! Thanks!
- Line of coke. Lead the way.
- Sure.
Hey, what do you say
we take a pit stop in the
little boys' room.
ANNOUNCER: And now,
please rise for our national anthem
to be sung by Kevin Nealon.
And I have no idea
how he convinced me of that.
I thought we were just talking
about other things.
Oh, man. I don't know what to do.
Kneel with us, brother.
(SNORTS) Whoa!
That is good bathroom cocaine.
- (KNOCKING)
- Somebody's in this stall!
That's it!
Hey, listen up, everyone.
I have something
I need to come clean about.
(MURMURING)
Cleveland, people of WaQuahog,
I didn't kneel during the anthem
because I was an activist.
I kneeled because I had
fairly brutal diarrhea,
and I'm sorry.
If I could take it back,
I would still kneel,
but for the right reasons now.
I see the struggle you face,
and you deserve everyone's support.
And, Carter, I know you're
just trying to honor the troops.
- I never said that.
- But, honestly,
why are we even playing
the national anthem
at a sports event?
It's not a solemn occasion,
like a military funeral
or, or sex between Salma Hayek
and Ed Norton.
It's a game.
The problem isn't with each other,
it's with the song.
We need a new song,
one that unites all people.
MAN: Why is your phone
all pink and sparkly?
- You're talking about it, aren't you?
- Oh, snap.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
your new national anthem.
("THE HAMPSTERDANCE SONG" PLAYING)
Yeehaw!
Here we go
("THE HAMPSTERDANCE SONG" CONTINUES)
I'm making my way to the bathroom.
I have to poop again.
Well, I'm glad
all that controversy is over
and we got our old Peter back.
But I kinda miss Meg.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
She got traded to American Dad.
I hear she's doing great.
(AMERICAN DAD THEME PLAYING)
Good morning, USA
Ba-da-ba-da-ba, Stan's the dad
And the alien's gay
And then there's a fish
and a boy and a girl
Hey!
Shut up, Meg.
Oh. So it's just gonna be the same?
Yup.
Yeah.