Live at The Apollo (2004) s19e05 Episode Script

1
Oh, yeah. ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
your host for tonight,
Babatunde Aleshe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What's going on, Live At The Apollo?
Yeah!
That is nice.
Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
I'm your host today, Babatunde
Aleshe. How you guys doing?
WHOOPING
Yeah, man.
I just celebrated nine years
of marriage just the other day.
You know what I'm saying? Yes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, guys. Thank you.
Nine years married to
the same person.
Jesus Christ, man!
Listen, man, I'm just glad
I'm no longer dating.
I'm glad, because dating right now
is the ghetto.
I'm not going to lie to you.
It's not easy to date.
And you know what?
The thing about dating is,
every time I see someone out, I'm
like, "How are you affording this?"
You know what I'm saying?
It's a cost of living crisis.
When I see people out eating food,
I'm just like,
"I don't know
how you're doing this."
Even I'm on TV, and I still take
my wife to the local chip shop.
You know what I'm saying, like?
I'm like, "You're not getting this
Taskmaster money. No. Mm-mm."
Nah, man. The dating - back in the
day, I used to get rejected a lot
because I'm short.
You know what I'm saying?
Short guys, yeah, we don't get
no love man, short guys.
I'd be on the phone talking to girls
and I'd be like, "You know.
"Yeah, babes,
I want to take you out."
She'd be like, "Oh, my God,
how tall are you?"
I'd be like,
"Yeah, I'm five foot
"Hello? Hello?"
I am happy I am married,
and I've got two wonderful children.
Me and my wife got two beautiful
children, eight and one, right?
Now, the eight-year-old,
that's a boy, right?
And my boy is crazy.
Make some noise if you got sons,
in the building, make some noise.
WHOOPING
So you know what I'm talking about.
Boys are crazy, right?
It's not just me.
Have you ever just looked
at your boy and been like,
"What the hell are you doing?"
Every day, right?
My son is obsessed with superheroes.
He loves superheroes, right?
Which is a bit weird
in our household
because we're, like,
devout Christians.
Like, especially my wife.
We love going to church, right?
My wife is definitely getting
into heaven. 100%, like.
Hopefully, I'm her plus one.
I hope! You know what I'm saying?
I'm going to be like,
"No, I'm with her. No?
"OK, cool. Cool."
You know what I'm saying?
My bad. The reason why I bring
that up is because last year,
Halloween, my son, he wanted to go
trick or treating, right.
Which was a bit weird in our
household - again, we're Christians.
And he was like, "Mum, I want
to dress up as a superhero."
And my wife was just like,
"There is no superhero in this house
"other than Jesus Christ!"
So she dressed him for Halloween
as Jesus Christ.
This guy went out trick or treating,
giving out bread and wine,
you know what I'm saying?
He's like, "God bless you.
"God bless you, too. God bless you."
One day, me and my son,
we were at home.
We're by ourselves, right?
I'm downstairs. I'm watching TV.
My son is upstairs, right?
He's doing whatever he's doing,
and it got silent.
And you guys know what happens
when it goes silent with a child.
It means they're doing something
they should not be doing.
And then, out of nowhere, I hear
a loud thud. Just, boom!
I'm like, "Oh, God, what's that?"
And then my son's just like,
"Daddy!"
So I run to the hallway
and my son is standing at the top
of the staircase dressed in
a DIY superhero outfit, right?
And he's just standing there. He's
like, "Look, Dad, I'm a superhero."
And I was like, "Uh-oh."
I was like, "Son, you might want
to take that off
"before your mum comes home,
all right?"
And he's just like,
"No, Dad, look! I can fly!"
And as soon as he said that,
I'm not going to lie,
it got slow motion in my house.
I was like, "Nawwwwwhhhhh!"
And my son was like,
"Yeeeeahhhhhhh!"
A part of me was just like,
"Let me let him fly so he can break
his legs." You know what I'm saying?
"And calm down."
I got a daughter as well.
Got a lovely, beautiful daughter.
She just turned one.
I love her. I'm not going to lie,
she's my favourite.
You shouldn't say that as a parent.
But who cares, man?
She is my favourite.
I love it! I just love who I am
as a person.
I'm more softer. I'm kinder.
You know what I'm saying?
All my friends warned me. They were
just like, "Watch, bruv. Watch.
"As soon as you get a girl, you're
going to turn into a pile of mush."
And I was like, "No, no, no,
I'm still going to be strict.
But they'll be like,
"Nah, bruv, we can see it."
I was like,
"Why can you see it in me?"
They were like,
"Cos you're a pussy, blud."
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I try, I try my hardest
to be strict, but it's her face,
you know, the puppy eyes.
I can't resist it, man.
You know, I love it.
And one of the things I remembered
is all my friends, right,
that have girls,
especially my friend Richard, right,
Richard, he used to be like the
neighbourhood bully, you know?
He was the guy,
if you saw him, you ran, right.
But now Richard has a girl,
and he's changed.
Now he knows every song in Frozen.
You know what I'm saying?
It's what girls do, man.
That's what girls do.
I love it, man.
I'm trying my hardest nowadays
to just be a better
all-round person.
Like, I'm facing a lot of my fears.
One of the things that I used
to have a fear of was, uh, driving.
Right? Driving. I've only just
recently learned how to drive.
I'm 38 years old. Yeah.
Don't laugh at me, please.
But I was scared.
And the reason why I was scared
is because, um, I had a lot
of trauma, you know, growing up,
seeing a lot of car crashes.
For some unknown reason, my road in
Tottenham was the car crash road.
Every day, just car crash
after car crash.
I've seen people get airlifted.
All types of, like, horrific stuff.
So for a long while I was just like,
"I don't want to get
behind the wheel."
But one of my friends was just like,
"Bro, I know a way for you to learn
"how to drive quickly."
And I was just like, "Yeah. How?"
He was just like,
"You should do a crash course."
I was like, "Hey, whoa, whoa!"
He was like, "No, no, no, not like
that, bro. Not like that.
"It's not like a crash course
like that.
"Basically, it's like a driving
intensive course, right?
"For five days you do your lessons
and your theory.
"At the end of the five days,
you take your theory test.
"If you pass that,
they book you your practical test.
"If you pass that,
you got your licence."
I was like, "Right, OK."
I was like, "Yeah, I'll do that."
He was like,
"Yeah, man, that's cool."
Then I did it and I learned
how to drive, right?
But you guys all know, all you
drivers know, that driving lessons
don't really prepare you for every
situation when you're actually
on the road by yourself, right?
Like, driving doesn't prepare you
for road rage, you know what I mean?
Anyone here have some
road rage in them?
Yeah, I can see it.
I know. I see you, right.
My first experience with road rage,
me and my wife, we were driving,
you know, she was just, you know,
she was in the passenger seat
doing passenger princess.
She was just, like, looking in the
mirror, all, like, doing TikTok,
talking about,
"Oh, hashtag passenger princess.
"Come on. I know," right?
And then I stopped at a roundabout
and, you know, roundabouts.
You give way to the right.
So I'm waiting.
For some unknown reason,
this guy behind me, he got
impatient, beeped his horn.
As soon as he beeped his horn,
my wife lost her Christianity.
She turned around, she's like,
"Who you beeping at?
Don't beep at my man.
"Are you crazy? Are you crazy?
"No, babe. No! Stay right here."
I was like, "Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!"
She's like,
"No, no, no, don't move."
I was like, "Babe, look,
it's free now I can go."
Then I started driving.
This guy undertakes me
and swears at my wife.
I'm like, "Blud, is this guy mad?"
I'm like, "What?
"I should chase him." My wife was
like, "Yeah, chase him, chase him!"
I'm like, "Babe, just calm down."
She's like, "No, no, no! Chase him!
"Avenge me, babe! Avenge me!"
I'm just like, "Oh."
She's gassing me up to the point
where I'm just like,
"Right, I'm going to chase him."
So I started driving, right?
So I'm driving. I'm just like,
"Right, I'm going to chase him.
"This guy, who's he swearing at?
Is he stupid? All right."
Mirror, signal,
manoeuvre.
She's like, "He's getting away!"
I was just like, "Babes, he's doing
"50 on a 30mph road, man. I can't
catch him. I can't catch him."
Yeah, but I am trying my hardest
again to face all my fears.
A lot of you guys, you've seen me
before on I'm A Celeb Get Me Out
Of Here!
You know what I'm saying?
Facing a lot of my fears.
CHEERING
I mean, you cheer now,
but I'll give you a little insight.
I'm like, I know the show, you know,
but I didn't really KNOW the show.
Do you get what I'm saying?
Like, I'd watched it
before I went on it,
but I didn't REALLY watch it,
you know?
And I remember when they invited me
to, you know, do the interview
just before going into the jungle,
you know, I'm there,
I'm very excited.
They're just like, "Oh, Babatunde,
"welcome to I'm A Celebrity
Get Me Out Of Here.
"OK. Are you excited?"
I just say, "Yeah, I'm excited."
They were just like, "Can we offer
you some drinks? Some doughnuts?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I'll take
a doughnut."
So I'm eating this doughnut, right,
and she's just like, "So, Babatunde,
this is a nice chilled interview.
"We just want to get to know you
just a little bit.
"So tell us, do you have any fears?"
Me, like an idiot,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"I'm afraid of heights."
She was like, "Heights! OK, OK.
"Anything else?"
I was like, "Yeah. You know what?
"I'm kind of afraid of frogs."
"Frogs. And toads?"
I was like, "Yeah." "What? Like the
big ones?" I'm like, "Yeah."
She's like, "OK, all right, then."
"Well, Babatunde, look forward to
seeing you out there in Australia."
Then they booked me a business
class trip out to Australia.
Now, guys, I was gassed.
As soon as I saw business class,
I was like, "Oh, my days!
I can't wait to have this trip!"
Right? I remember
I got on the plane,
I sat down,
I'm pressing all the buttons,
the chair is turning into a bed.
I'm like, "Oh, my days!
This is amazing!"
And then the air hostess,
she comes up to me.
She's just like, "Mr Aleshe,
can I offer you some champagne
"or some orange juice?"
I'm like, "Can I have some
champagne?"
She was like, "Certainly."
I was like, "Can I have the whole
bottle?" She was like, "Yes."
And she gave me the whole bottle.
So now I'm super gassed!
I'm walking around the plane
spraying it on people,
you know what I'm saying?
I feel like I'm a rapper.
I'm drinking it out of the bottle
and stuff like that.
And I shouldn't really
be drinking champagne
because it does not agree with me.
You know what I'm saying?
So halfway through the flight,
I'm farting up the whole
of business class.
I'm tearing the place apart,
to the point where the guy
sitting directly in front of me,
he's just like, "Oh, my days!
"What is that awful smell?"
And I'm just like, "Er, oh, it must
be the poor people in economy.
"Yes, their poorness is wafting
through. That's what's happening."
Then we land in Australia.
We land in Australia, all right?
I'm walking through the airport,
and we're getting close to the exit,
and I see the paparazzi there,
right?
Well, I say paparazzi.
It was two people.
They didn't even have a proper
camera, you know what I'm saying?
Like, they had iPhones.
They didn't even know who I was.
They were like, "Is that you?
"That you? Eh? Huh?
"OK."
But once I got there,
I got a security guard
and I got a driver, right?
And they drove me to my
accommodation where I was going
to be staying before I go
inside the jungle.
And my security guard, he was just
like, "If you ever need me,
"let me know.
I'm just right outside."
I'm like, "Yeah, cool.
"I don't think I'll need you,
but cool. You're outside, right."
Now, you guys all know I'm A Celeb.
You know the Bushtucker Trial,
right?
WHOOPING
Now, I had my first Bushtucker trial
in this house
because I got into a fight
with a cockroach.
Yeah. It was an Australian
cockroach.
It was like this big, right?
Imagine I've come out of the
downstairs toilet, and I've looked,
and the cockroach is right
on the floor just there.
I'm like, "Oh, my days!
That is massive!"
I'm like, "OK, all right.
"OK. I'm not going to kill it,
"but I'm just going to stamp at it,
"and, hopefully, it will scurry off.
Yeah?"
So I've stamped at it.
Now, this cockroach must
have been from Croydon or something.
I don't know where I don't know
where they found this cockroach.
As soon as I stamped at it,
it was just like,
"Who are you stamping at,
blud? Are you mad? Are you crazy?"
And chased me round the whole house.
Now I've locked myself back
in the toilet.
I'm just like,
"Oh, my days! Oh, my days!
"I nearly got killed by a cockroach.
"Oh, my days! Oh, my days!"
And I'm just like, "Go out there
and face your fears."
So I've gone back out, right?
I've gone back out.
And I'm just like,
"All right. OK. All right.
"This time, I'm not going
to stamp at it.
"This time, I'm going to
throw my shoe at it."
I've taken off my shoe.
I've thrown it at it.
Now, I didn't know that cockroaches
in Australia can fly.
I did not know this.
As soon as I threw my shoe at it,
this cockroach was like.
"Who the hell?
"..are you throwing your shoe at,
blud? Are you mad?"
Now I'm screaming. I'm mashing up
the whole house, right?
Now, let me paint the picture
for you guys.
So this is the downstairs
toilet right here.
You come out, right,
you've got the living room rea
right here, right?
You go down and this is the hallway.
This is the door to the house.
I'm over here.
I'm trying to get to the door
of the house
because my security guard
is on the opposite side of the door,
and he can hear all the commotion
that's going on inside the house.
Now, I can't do an Australian
accent, so don't take the piss,
yeah? But he's banging the door.
All I can hear is
ATTEMPTS AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
"Babatunde, open the door!"
Yeah.
He's like
ATTEMPTS AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
"Babatunde, open the door!
"What's going on in there?"
So I can't get to the door.
I'm like, "All right, what can I do?
What can I do?
"All right, I know, I'll run round,
I'll run through the garden, right,
hop the fence, get to the front of
the house, see my driver. Cool.
So I run round.
I've got to the front of the house.
My security guard is going crazy.
"Babatunde, open the door!"
Right? I'm like, "Jason, I'm here."
He's just like,
"What's going on in there?"
I'm just like, "Yo, bro,
there's a big ass cockroach.
"It's trying to kill me."
He's just like He's like,
"Don't worry, Babatunde,
I'm going to get the bug spray."
I'm like, "Bug spray?"
I'm like, "Bruv, you need a gun!"
He's got the got the bug spray.
It looks like a bazooka, right?
And he's pushed me out of the way.
He's like, "Get out of the way!
Move!" All right.
He's gone back in the house.
All I hear is boom, boom, boom.
I'm like, "Oh, snap!"
And then Jason comes out.
He's got the cockroach in his hand.
He's like, "Ah!"
"I caught the filthy bugger!" Right?
And from that day,
it got worse and worse.
Got to the first day of filming.
You guys all saw,
I'm in a helicopter,
I'm with Jill Scott, right? Lioness!
And then I'm with Charlene White,
of Loose Women, right?
We're all sitting there, right?
And Jill Scott's just like, "How are
you feeling, Baba? Are you excited?"
I'm like, "No, no, I'm
I'm bricking it."
She's like, "You'll be all right.
Don't worry. You'll be all right."
The pilot turns to us and he goes,
"Look out for anything you can see."
So I'm looking, I'm looking.
I see a tall building
with three ledges.
I'm like, "Oh, what's that?"
And then Jill Scott's like,
"Oh, my God, it's happening!"
And I'm like, "No, no, no,
don't worry. That's not for us.
"I'm afraid of heights.
They know this."
She's like, "Baba, have you watched
the show before?"
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, but trust me,
that's not for us. Trust me."
Then we fly away, right?
I'm like, "See, I told you."
Then we loop back round,
and the pilot goes,
"Can you see anything else?"
I look,
and I see Ant and Dec waving.
Then we land.
Once we landed, I lose it.
I'm like, "Nah, you guys tricked me.
You guys tricked me, man.
"You guys are evil.
You did this on purpose.
"You know I'm afraid of heights.
You tricked me."
I'm like, "You guys are racist!"
Right? I had to.
Yes, that was the last chance.
You know what I'm saying?
I had to pull that card, right?
They were just like, "How are we
racist? Charlene White is black."
I'm like, "Yeah, but her surname
is White!
"You guys are racist!"
Out of nowhere,
Ant and Dec pop up.
They're just like, "Hello, guys!"
I'm like, "Oh, snap! Oh, snap!
"Man like PJ and Duncan,
come on, come on!"
Cos I'm a fan, you know what I'm
saying? I've been a fan of them
since Byker Grove,
you know what I'm saying?
Then it was time for us
to walk the plank.
I get up there and I brace myself.
I'm like, "Come on, Baba."
I'm like, "You can do this.
Let's do this. Let's go.
"Just don't look down."
I'm just, "All right."
One step at a time, bro.
"Oh, snap! Oh, snap!
"OK. All right.
"That's the first step.
You done it, bro.
"Let's go.
"Oh, snap. Oh, snap.
"Oh, snap! Oh!"
And then my legs took over.
My legs were like,
"Bruv! Forget this, bruv!"
I was like, "I'm A Celebrity
Get Me Out Of Here, man."
But you know what hurt me the most?
You guys
..all saw me do that trial.
You watched me do that trial
and fail.
Then what did you do?
Voted for me to do the next trial
by myself.
I came all the way to Hammersmith
to look you dead in your eyes
and tell you face-to-face
fuck each and every last one of you!
All right.
You guys ready for some comedy?
CHEERING
All right. We're going to bring on
our first act of the evening.
So please go wild,
go crazy, for the amazing
Chloe Petts.
Make some noise!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello! How's everyone doing?
CHEERING
Oh, my gosh, you sound amazing.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Chloe Petts.
I am extraordinarily gay.
Um
LIGHT CHEERING
Thank you for the three woos.
I appreciate your support.
I had to say that I was gay
in Peterborough the other day.
I think I might have been
their first gay,
so it's nice to be on home turf.
Erm, no, I am a butch lesbian,
and all that means is I get
mistaken for a man a lot.
So the other day,
I went into a Travelodge,
I went up to the hotel assistant,
he said, "How can I help you, sir?"
And I was like, "Listen, babes,
ha-ha, don't be embarrassed,
"but it's actually madam."
And he goes, "Oh, my God!
I am so sorry, sir!"
But it don't bother me
cos I've always been like this.
I've always been very masculine,
even since I was a little kid.
When I was a little girl, I was what
you would call a child geezer.
You've probably seen
children geezers knocking around.
It's just a sort of kid that looks
like they can handle themselves
at a wedding.
You know, Cousin Brian,
he ain't getting too near
with the tickly fingers.
They got it covered.
I first realised I was a child
geezer when I was around age seven,
when I went to ballet class
for the first time.
First mistake, did walk in
thinking it was a contact sport.
I remember so clearly going in,
and there were all these lovely
little girls sort of in their tutus,
politely jumping up for a jete.
I looked like I was going up
for a corner,
sort of stomping around the room
like I was Ross Kemp on Gangs.
Parents coming and going,
"Sorry, why is there a bouncer
in the ballet class?"
There's me going, "Don't worry,
mister, I'll protect you
"from all these naughty toes."
That was a joke for the three
ballet girls that are in tonight.
But because I was a very sort of
alpha dominant child,
it meant that I was never bullied.
Never been bullied once in my life.
You don't bully C Petts.
So I went to an all-girls state
school in Kent, which I think
is quite sort of a confusing
collection of words, right?
Because you're sort of thinking
"All-girls - sounds a bit posh.
"State - sounds a bit rough.
"Kent - posh rough, huh?"
My school was sort of a blend
of the two of those things,
you know, like if Enid Blyton
wrote Skins.
Like, if one of the Famous Five
underwent a teen pregnancy.
That sort of vibe.
There was one bullying attempt of me
at my secondary school.
I was in year nine.
I was in English class,
and this this girl walked in.
Her name was Brittany Johnson.
She was new to the school,
so she hadn't got the memo
that I don't get bullied.
And she walks past my desk.
Now, for context, I am a Crystal
Palace Football Club supporter.
SOME CHEERS
So I had a pencil case
that said CPFC on it.
And Brittany walks past my desk
and she goes,
"What does that stand for?
Chloe Petts fucks chickens?"
It's very difficult to be bullied
when you're rolling on
the floor laughing
..at the thing that the bully just
said. I also think you can't
get bullied unless you sort of feel
insecure about the thing
that you're being bullied about.
Like, if she come in and been like,
"Chloe Petts is a lesbian."
I would have been like,
"No, I'm not!"
But because she was like,
"Chloe Petts fucks chickens."
I was like, "Well, logically
that can't be true."
You know, chickens are girls.
I'm a girl on a technicality.
Who's effing who?
Do you know what I mean?
At best, Chloe Petts fingers
chickens. Sure.
But again, very difficult
to be bullied when you're offering
a writer's punch up to the bully.
Um, I sort of
I assimilated into straight culture
when I was at secondary school,
but then, fortunately, I sort of
got to uni and I recaptured
my child geezer self, because
I learned about gay things there,
you know,
like feminism and layering.
So I started wearing
all of this masculine clothing,
but I was so worried about getting
misgendered that what I'd do
is I'd always have, like,
a feminine touch.
So I might wear something like
navy boiler suit,
classic set of pearls.
Full Crystal Palace kit,
delicate pashmina, you know?
And then I sort of continued
this journey of self-acceptance
to where I am now,
which is a proud butch lesbian.
I absolutely love it.
I love butch lesbians.
Not in a gay way.
No, I don't personally
sleep with butch women,
not because I don't find
them attractive,
it's just logistically very
difficult to get two butch women
in the same room together
to have sex,
because we're just perpetually
walking each other home.
She'll get me to my door
and I'll be like,
"Well, I guess I'd better be getting
you home then, little lady."
The little lady in question is a
250-pound hockey player named Rock.
It's great to be a butch lesbian.
We're now
I don't know if you know this.
We're in the golden era
of butch lesbians.
And the reason is, is because all
of these sort of tiny
feminine women are coming out as
bisexual because they've realised
that they're allowed to be
attracted to masculinity,
but they don't
have to go out with men.
And I don't want to
slag you boys off.
I don't want to do that.
I don't want to do want to do this
"all men are trash" thing.
I think that's reductive. I don't
think it's useful to the discourse.
And, if anything, I'm totally
grateful to you boys,
because when these tiny bisexual
women come to me
..you have set the bar so low.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The other day, I asked a woman a
question and she came on the spot.
I'll show you where the clitoris
is later, my friend.
You've got a moustache, so I imagine
that you've done some googling
of where the clitoris is.
You look like a male feminist to me.
I'm very masculine.
I, erm, I sort of spend a lot of
time in quite traditionally
masculine spaces, so I think
I know the answer to this question.
So I'm a big fan of football.
Have we got football fans in?
CHEERING
Fantastic. Welcome.
We're the best sortwe're the best
sort of people.
Beca Who doesn't like football?
CHEERING
I just don't understand you.
I really don't understand you.
I just think my hobby is far
superior to any of your hobbies.
No, because, sit there and ask
yourself this question.
Think about your hobby
and ask yourself this question.
Has your hobby ever moved you
to shove a flare
up your own arsehole?
I don't think so. Whereas mine does
every day of my goddamn life.
Yeah.
I love football. I love almost
everything about football.
There's one thing I don't like,
and that is the sexism.
Like, obviously,
that's a little bit difficult,
because there's still a certain
type of bloke
that seems to think that, like,
I can't know as much
about football as he can.
Right? It's like he doesn't think
I've got time to both
watch Match Of The Day
and buy sanitary products.
But the key thing about that is
you stockpile in the summer
..so you're ready for when the
season starts in the winter.
APPLAUSE
I love these guys, though.
I call them
the proper footballing geezers.
You've probably seen them
knocking around.
They're big guys.
Massive fucking heads,
big thick neck veins
where they store all of
their repressed emotions.
Weirdly, they're always very active
on Twitter, for some reason,
and they'll always have a Twitter
handle which is like
@MillwallMike69.
And then you'll click
onto their Twitter profile
and their bio will always say
something like,
"Love my kids, hate nonces."
And you're sort of thinking,
"Come on, Mike, pick a side."
I love these guys, though,
cos they've recently
found me on social media.
An what they love doing is they love
doing sassy little snarky comments
underneath my stand-up videos.
And they do these sort of
sick burns.
And there's a phrase that I've sort
of started noticing recently
that they're all using.
So what they've all said under my
stand-up videos is this phrase.
They say, "Lewis Capaldi looks like
he's let himself go."
Which pisses me off, because Lewis
Capaldi's already let himself go.
I think what they're trying to do
by comparing me to a plus-size man
is to imply that I'm ugly.
It doesn't bother me as an insult.
Honestly, doesn't bother me
as an insult.
I know that I'm ugly.
Not in a self-deprecating way,
just in the way that
all British people are ugly.
Do you know this?
You are absolutely vile.
I'm sorry, if you don't know this,
you're absolutely vile.
OK? And I didn't know this
until recently,
when I started travelling outside
the UK in the last couple of years.
Everything they say about us
is true. OK?
But it's not your fault. The reason
that we're ugly is because
And I'm specifically talking
about white British people here.
I don't want to draw anyone else
into our ugly mess.
The reason that we're ugly
is because back in the day,
the Vikings came over,
stole all of our hot women,
took them back to mainland Europe,
which is why everyone in Sweden
is smoking hot
and we look like someone put a wig
on some Billy Bear ham.
But it had an amazing
It had an amazing reaction,
cos it meant that we had
to develop great personalities,
cos you've never heard someone go,
"This is my Swedish friend.
He's a laugh."
So I would say that
I'm British-hot,
which is ugly but a hoot.
So I love football, as I say,
and I kind of get these blokes
that are a bit toxic,
cos football makes me toxic too.
I do worry about my toxicity,
though.
Like, I don't let I've got
a girlfriend now and I don't
let her watch me watch the football,
because it almost
She saw me watch the football once,
it almost ruined our relationship
before it had even started.
So what happened was,
she came into the living room.
She said to me,
"Chloe, why are you laughing?"
And I had to explain that Chelsea
had just gone 3-2 down
and the camera had panned
to a crying child.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
So I've sort of been trying
to reform my toxicity
by re-embracing my femininity,
because even the things that I do
that are sort of
traditionally feminine, I do
in quite a masculine way,
like menstruating.
Like, I'm strong, I'm powerful,
I'm consistent, right?
I would say that I menstruate
the way that I bleed a radiator.
Turn the key, bucket under,
done till the next month.
So I recently had an opportunity
to embrace my femininity
because I was invited to
a nail-painting party.
Um, now, I would like to clarify,
I am not friends with 12-year-olds,
but I am friends with women
who are sort of in their mid-30s
and what these women wrongly assume
is that they're losing
their last vestiges of youth,
so they get very nostalgic
for the last time that they
perceived themselves to be youthful
and start doing stuff from then.
So, for example, they're hosting
nail-painting parties,
they're carrying around
Jane Norman handbags,
they're Bluetooth-ing ringtones
to one another,
they're calling each other frigid.
So I went to this nail-painting
party, and I sort of stood
in the corner going, "Nope. No way
am I getting my nails painted.
"That's for girls." Right?
A friend came up to me very angry
and she was like,
"Chloe, you know that
it's not just for girls,
"you know that anyone
can get their nails painted.
"I think what's happening
is you're feeling emasculated
"and it's making you act out."
I said, "I'm not getting
my nails painted.
"Last time I got my nails painted,
I felt like a dog in socks."
She said, "On your head be it."
She went away.
They sent a different friend over
who knew me slightly better.
This friend genuinely said
the words, "Chloe, I promise you,
"if you get your nails painted,
it will make you, like,
"ten times better at fingering."
Now, logically, Apollo,
I know that can't be true.
But when she said it, there was a
strong part of me that was like
"All right, I'll take two.
"Make that three.
"Do a couple of the toenails too."
Before I go, I would just
like to say this one thing.
I have this thing
where I don't fancy any men at all.
The only man I do fancy
is Harry Styles.
WHOOPING
Correct. I think I fancy him
because he does look like a lesbian.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, if he and I hooked up, there'd
be only one guy doing the fucking.
This one. You know?
Sort of like, "Turn over, Harry,
this is going in One Direction."
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Guys, you've been
absolutely amazing.
I've been Chloe Petts.
Thanks for having me. Goodbye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES
WHISTLING
Give it up for the amazing
Chloe Petts!
Yeah!
All right, you guys ready
for your next comedian?
CHEERING
OK. Give a massive round of applause
for the wonderful Lindsey Santoro!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everybody!
Hello!
Ha-ha!
Thanks for having me.
Look, sometimes
Sometimes, I'll do a gig,
and there might be
a few people in the audience,
and as soon as I come on,
I can hear your brains,
and they just go
.."Eugh."
LAUGHTER
"Oh, I don't like that.
"Oh, it's disgusting."
LAUGHTER
"Oh, they can get married now
and have kids. It's not right."
LAUGHTER
I'm going to come out
and I'll say it,
cos some people don't like it,
and I don't care. I'm proud.
Yes, you're right.
I am from Birmingham. Yes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ha-ha!
Santoro is an Italian name.
Ooh!
I'm not Italian.
My husband's Italian.
I know, I'm not a lesbian.
It's mad, innit?
It's mad! I'm not a lesbian.
I just
I've just never had time
to have a go at it.
It's just, um
No, because No, when I was 21,
I was out with my friend Carol.
She's a lesbian, and
Imagine being 21 called Carol.
It's a shame, isn't it?
And I said
And I was saying to Carol, I says,
"I think I'd be
a great lover of women.
"I think I'd be really good."
And she looked at me and she went,
"You can't have it off
with a woman."
I says, "Why not, Carol?"
She says, "You're too bloody lazy
to have sex with a woman."
And then Carol took my hand
like she was going to tell me
me nan was dead, right?
And she looked me in the eye,
and she said, "Lindsey,
"when I make love to a woman,
"I make love for at least
an hour and a half."
LAUGHTER
I said,
"Carol, that's a Disney film."
Could you nosh someone off
for the whole of Moana?
No, you couldn't!
Every time I met someone
who I found out they'd, like,
you know, they'd made love
to a lady,
I'd shake their hand
like a war hero.
"I don't know how you do it."
It's not true. It's not true.
She just told me that
because she knows how lazy I am.
This is why I love willies.
No, like, w
They're so easy, aren't they?
Oh, my God.
"Oh, lovely. Thank you. Bye."
Oh! Love a willy.
I can see some of you are in couples
cos you look depressed.
Now, listen
No, but, you know, like,
I love my husband,
but, like, there's a thing
that happens
when they've had a bit to drink,
and it just drives you mad,
doesn't it?
When they're too far gone
and they start giving you the look.
Ooh!
And you think
WHISPERS: .."Oh, fuck off."
LAUGHTER
"Don't touch me.
"Don't touch me. I just bought
new bedding from Dunelm.
"You can sod off."
I love my husband.
He's very gullible, though.
And that's what I love about him.
Because, like, I am lazy.
And sometimes I'll tell him stuff
in our sex life that isn't true
just cos I can't be bothered.
And, like, we're going home
from the pub about a month ago,
walking down the hill,
again, he's had a bit to drink,
so have I.
And he looks at me and he goes,
"What do you want to do
when we get in?
"I'll do whatever you want.
Whatever turns you on, just tell me.
"I don't care."
I says, "Oh, David,
you know what really turns me on?
"I love it when I lie on the sofa
and you whack it off me head
"while I'm having a nap."
Oh!
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"Where you going?
It's not your birthday.
"You can get lost. Sod off!"
What I love about doing comedy -
it don't matter where I do the gig
and whoever comes to it -
I always spot a few blokes
in the audience
just looking at me, going
GRAVELLY VOICE:
.."When will she die?
"I don't like it.
"She's talking about genitals
and it's horrible."
Listen, just for you, I'm going
to do my bit about smear tests.
Now, listen
LAUGHTER
I don't care!
Give us a woo if you're a lady
under the age of 25.
WOMEN CHEER
It's coming for you.
LAUGHTER
It's coming.
It's horrible.
One day, you'll go downstairs,
right?
There'll be a little envelope
for you on the door.
Little envelope,
and you'll think, "How exciting.
"I never get letters, me.
That's really exciting.
"I wonder what it is."
And you bend down Ooh!
And you open it, and you see
it's from your GP surgery,
and you think, "Oh!"
Turn it over.
All that it says
is one sentence inside.
It just says,
"You mouldy old bitch."
LAUGHTER
And that's you. That's you being
invited for your smear test.
That's what's happening.
And, listen,
if you've been invited, go.
Because some people don't go,
they put it off.
And I think that's really not
My friend won't go
cos she says she's embarrassed.
Nurses don't care.
That's number one.
Go for your smear. It's important.
Number two, if you don't go,
they just keep sending that letter.
They keep sending it.
You know that scene in Harry Potter
where they're trying
to get him to Hogwarts?
It's flying everywhere?
Just go!
I treat it like a spa day, I do.
LAUGHTER
I do. I put two cucumbers on it.
I have a nice little day out.
Let's go!
I went in, I met my nurse.
Lovely lady, but
Oh, she They love it.
They just open the curtain.
"What I want you to do, Lindsey,
love, is go behind this curtain here
"for privacy and dignity.
"Go behind this curtain here,
privacy and dignity,
"and take your bottoms off
behind this curtain here,
"for privacy and dignity.
"Even though, in about two minutes,
"I'm going to shine a torch
up your arsehole,
"go behind this curtain here."
And then she just steps
behind the curtain anyway!
Like, what's the point?!
"What I want you to do is,
when you're ready,
"can you get yourself
up on that bed for me?
"That bed there,
and lie on your back.
"That one there, that one there
that's seven foot too high."
LAUGHTER
"Can you get yourself up?
"Lower it? I will lower it
when you're on it. Get on that bed!
"Climb on it like a dog
that's shit itself. Come on.
"Get up!
"That bed there
with the tissue paper on
"that rips as soon as you touch it.
Get on the bed!"
LAUGHTER
"Now, what I want you to do,
Lindsey, is not very complicated.
"It's quite easy.
I want you to lie flat on your back.
"I want you to bend your knees,
"put your heels by your bum,
and bend your legs.
"Make your hands into a fist,
"put them by the side,
and then shuffle down the bed.
"Just shuffle down the bed.
Keep shuffling down the bed.
"Shuffle down the bed.
Shuffle down the bed.
"Shuffle down the bed.
Sit on your heels.
"Keep sitting on your heels.
"Keep sitting on your heels.
Keep"
"My heels are in my ovaries!
I can't go anywhere else!"
"Sitting on your heels.
And when you're ready,
"I want you to take
a big deep breath in,
"and let your legs
just fall open naturally."
What's natural about lying like a
frog that's been run over on the M5?
Nothing!
My favourite bit is
when the nurse goes and gets
It's like blue roll, innit?
But it's not blue roll.
She gets a big square
of this, like, kitchen stuff,
this big cloth.
And she just comes
holding the two corners like that.
And she just drapes it
over your fanny
like it's died in a car crash, like.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Don't look under there.
It's a mess.
Then there's the lubricant,
the medical lubricant.
She does a drive-by with a handful
of medical lubricant like that.
Shove it in there!
That don't come off, does it?
That annoys me, that does.
I don't know what it's made
You just push it around forever.
You keep finding it.
I got out of bed
two days after having my smear,
I put my foot down and I was
"Argh!"
Then she comes over
with the speculum.
Oh, God.
If you don't know what
It looks like a duck's head and
It's weird, man, it's a weird
But she's holding it, right?
She comes up to my face with it,
and just shows it me
like I'm picking a bottle of wine
for the table.
SHE MUMBLES AS IF NAMING FRENCH WINE
Hmm?
Hmm?
Hmm?
Good choice. Good choice.
She goes down the bottom end, right?
She goes down the bottom end.
I'm lying on the bed
looking up at the ceiling,
just thinking,
"Oh, come on, get on with it."
She starts talking through the
process, which is really helpful.
She's saying, "If it feels like
that, that's not right. Let me know.
"If it feels like that, that's fine.
"If it feels uncomfortable,
at any point you want to stop,
"just tell me.
"If the results are this,
they'll go there.
"If the results are this,
they'll go there."
And she's talking through all
the options and what might happen.
I felt very reassured.
And then there was an awkward
silence, and she just went
.."Got anything nice planned
for the rest of the day?"
LAUGHTER
SHE CHUCKLES
I says, "To be honest,
you've put that much lube up me,
"I think I'm just going to sit
in the street, kick off a wall,
"and see where I go off to.
I could go anywhere!"
Just as I answered her question,
that's when she got the speculum
and she just went
MIMICS SLIPPING NOISE
Now, it don't hurt -
I must stress that -
but it is freezing.
It's always freezing.
So I went, "Oh, my God!
Oh, G! Oh!"
And she went
I'd say, like, she went in a way
that was almost proud.
And she just went, "I don't know
what you're moaning about.
"That went in really easy."
"Are you calling me a slag?"
Now this is where it all went
a bit mad, right?
Because she thought I was joking,
so she started to laugh.
She was laughing,
and cos she started to laugh,
I started to laugh.
I love this bit,
because the women get it,
and then some of the blokes
sit there and go,
"I don't understand
what they're laughing at.
"The women with the secrets again."
I don't know if you've ever laughed
with anything up you, right,
but basically, in that situation,
you essentially create your own game
of Splat The Rat.
That's what happens.
And I knew what was going to happen,
and she knew
what was going to happen,
and then this weird thing happened
in my brain,
and my brain just went,
"Clamp on as hard as you can."
I clamped on as hard as I can.
I was shaking like that, holding it.
Like, you know when you're shaking
a bottle of pop?
"It's going to go. Oh, God!"
And the nurse come over,
God bless her.
She put her hand on my shoulder
like I was a dying patient
and just went,
"It's time to let go."
Now that m You can't hold it in.
I laughed.
Ha! Pop!
SHE CHUCKLES
Flew out the window,
killed a pensioner.
I got my results back, by the way.
I've got arthritis. Really weird.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Lindsey Santoro.
Thank you very much. Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Give it up for the wonderful
Lindsey Santoro!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right, give it up
for every comedian you saw tonight.
Chloe Petts. Lindsey Santoro.
My name is Babatunde.
I've been your host for tonight.
Thank you and goodnight. Take care.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE