Family Guy s19e07 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a Fam ily Guy!
Peter, I just hit a pothole
in the road and got a flat.
The man who helped us gave her his card.
I'd keep an eye on that.
This town is falling apart.
Last week the bridge over
the collapsed bridge collapsed.
Well, you're a middle-aged woman
with no job.
Maybe you should get
really worked up about it.
You know what? I think I will.
I'm going down to city hall to complain.
This town needs a mayor.
Y-You forgot your baby. Miss?
Thank you all for coming over
to help us find
the best candidate for mayor.
This room is so diverse, so I'm assuming
many of you have agendas.
But let's keep in mind we need
a mayor who will represent
all of Quahog and not just satisfy
your weird little fringe issues,
which are important,
but not very important.
As a descendent
of Quahog's Puritan forefathers,
I think we should be able
to throw a woman into a pond
to see if she's a witch.
That seems a bit extreme,
don't you think?
That's exactly what a witch would say.
Lois, you're making this harder
than it needs to be.
Just get a former Batman and move on.
I'm sure Val Kilmer
could use the insurance.
Peter, we're not going
to get a former Batman.
That has been pitched
every day since Adam West died
and the response has been tepid at best.
We need someone with fresh ideas.
Someone who knows the issues.
Well, if you're looking
for someone with issues,
I think you've found your candidate.
(LAUGHS)
(STEWIE LAUGHS)
I had to go to bed early
because it's a grown-up party,
but Mom said if I was quiet,
I could listen
from the top of the stairs.
You know, I think you might be
a really good candidate.
You know the town, you're smart
and you clearly have
nothing better to do.
So all in favor of the librarian
running for mayor say aye.
- ALL: Aye.
- What about ALF?
Let's toast our new mayor
um, I'm sorry,
I don't even know your name.
Elle. Elle Hitler.
(LAUGHS) No relation.
Elle Hitler? Eh.
Let's all say hi to Elle Hitler.
- Hi, Elle Hitler.
- Yay!
I can't believe Lois wants
the librarian to be mayor.
I mean, Mayor West was a legend,
and now they're gonna replace him
with some third-tier character
with a joke name?
- That's Chinatown, Peter.
- What?
I said, "That's Chinatown."
It's from the movie Chinatown.
It means, like, "What are you
gonna do? That's Chinatown."
Joe, did you finally get Netflix?
I did. And I just watched Chinatown.
It's kind of gross.
Quahog deserves a cool mayor,
like Mayor West was.
But there's no one cooler
than Adam West.
If only he had had a offspring.
Speaking of offspring,
Faye Dunaway slept with her dad
in Chinatown and then had his baby.
Guys, that movie really messed me up.
Wait a second,
Mayor West didn't have any kids,
but he did have a cousin, Wild West.
You guys don't know Wild West?
No. And please don't diminish us
for not knowing
the same things you know.
You know how to land an airplane?
No, you don't. Asswipe.
I'm sorry. I see you, Quagmire.
- I do.
- Thank you.
Wild West is a legendary cowboy
and a spokesman
for everything manly. Look.
WILD WEST: You work hard,
and at the end of the day,
you're more than tired.
You're man tired.
And when it's finally time to
kick off your boots and relax,
nothing satisfies more
than Beef Cigarettes.
Give yourself a treat
Nicotine and meat.
WILD WEST: Beef Cigarettes,
now with less hooves and snouts.
See? He'd be a great mayor.
- Well, what's his stand on abortion?
- What? I don't
Does he make exceptions
in cases of incest?
Because I've seen some things recently
that make me think he probably should.
(CHIRPING)
(SHUSHES)
You came at the perfect time.
(CHIRPING)
That was beautiful.
If you think the birth is beautiful,
you should see the conception.
Mmm. Jasmine oolong.
What can I do you for, stranger?
My name is Peter Griffin and
I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island,
where your cousin Adam West
was our mayor for many years.
And since he's gone to a better place
- Duluth?
- I was thinking heaven, but okay, sure.
Beautiful country, Duluth.
The air moves into your nostrils
like a welcome guest.
God, that's awesome.
Anyway, I thought you
would be the perfect person
to take his place as our mayor.
Peter, have you ever killed a man?
Reddit says I've killed 39,
but that seems low.
- Why do you ask?
- Just making conversation.
Look, I know it's a lot
to ask, but Quahog needs you.
You're the perfect person
to lead us through
the last five years
of the United States' existence.
So, what do you say?
Will you be our mayor?
Can I tell you a secret, Peter?
I can levitate.
- No way. Can you show me?
- No. But it's true.
Uh, that seems like the kind of thing
you have to prove right when you say it.
Well, I suppose you're right.
I appreciate you coming
all this way, Peter,
but I can't be your mayor.
- But, Wild West, we need you.
- (WHISTLES)
I'm sorry.
You get home safe, now. Hyah!
Thank you for coming out to celebrate
a new day in Quahog.
I would like to ask all
the women to please put aside
your blinding hatred of other women
and vote for this incredibly
qualified candidate.
ELIJAH: Stranger comin'!
Stranger comin'!
(NEIGHS)
He came.
Howdy, Quahog.
My name's Wild West, and I'm here
to throw my hat in the ring
to be your next mayor.
(CROWD CHEERING)
And I want to say one more thing:
I can levitate.
- (ALL GASPING)
- But not right now.
That seems like something
he should have to prove
- when he says it.
- When he says it.
That's, uh, that's what I said.
Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?
You don't know anything about politics.
Well, you don't know anything
about landing a airplane, asswipe.
Besides, Wild West
would make a great mayor.
He's a man
What does that have to do with anything?
Because this is America, Lois.
Men have always run things
and there have never been
any problems whatsoever.
And don't say the economy
or Iraq or income inequality
or racism or Brett Kavanaugh
or air pollution or Vietnam
or slavery or Watergate or capitalism
or #MeToo or homelessness
or police brutality
or homophobia or Monica Lewinsky
or school shootings
or Native American genocide or Fox News
or Tim Allen or climate change.
(SIGHS) You make a good point.
But I still think more women
should be in positions of power,
and I'm gonna work my butt off
to make sure the librarian
becomes our next mayor.
And I'm gonna prove that
Wild West is the better choice.
I've already made
my first campaign poster.
I always start too big.
Afternoon, citizen.
My name's Wild West
and I'm running for mayor.
- What might your name be?
- Bruce.
Pleasure, Bruce. If'n you don't mind,
I'd like to roll up your garden
hose for you, the right way.
- Oh, okay.
- You see, Bruce,
every hose has a memory.
And you just got to tap
into that memory.
You see this kink here?
I, uh (GULPS) I do see that kink.
Well, a hose is very desirous
of its original shape,
and if you know how to work those kinks,
it should straighten itself right out.
(MOANS) Oh, merciful heavens.
(SIGHS)
If you need some help on your campaign,
I'm very experienced at taking polls.
Wild West, this is my daughter Meg.
She also has a mustache.
I can see that. Nice to meet you, Meg.
Wow, you've got a great voice.
Would you record
my outgoing voice-mail message?
Ah, I'd be happy to.
And could you make it sound like
one of your truck commercials?
If you're looking for something
rugged, something durable,
something with an endless supply of gas
and a tailgate made for dumping,
then you must be
looking for Meg Griffin.
Meg might not be much to look at,
but with two different-shaped airbags,
Meg is one ride
you won't mind taking out
to the middle of nowhere
and giving it your all.
She's road-ready, and rode hard.
Meg Griffin.
Kindly leave your go-by
and Roman numerics
at the sound of the chow bell.
(BELL DINGING)
Peter, I don't even know
why you're bothering
to take me to meet Wild West.
I will never change my mind about him.
That's all I ask.
Afternoon, Griffins.
Glad you could make it.
Can I-can I go play
with the barn mustaches?
- Please? Please?
- Of course you can.
(BABBLES EXCITEDLY)
- (CHIRPING)
- (LAUGHS)
Peter said something about me
really sticks in your craw.
(CHUCKLES)
Let's not make this sexy, okay?
I just don't think it's fair
for you to breeze into town
with your rugged good looks
and voice of the gods
and assume you should be mayor.
Especially when you're
taking an opportunity away
from a very deserving woman.
That's a fair point, Lois.
Do you mind if I make you
a sweater while I respond?
(EXHALES) Uh, no.
No, that would be fine.
Lois, I moved my whole family
to Oregon when I was 13,
and it taught me that
a town is like a horse.
You don't choose it.
- (BLEATS)
- It chooses you.
And I believe Quahog has chosen me,
just like it chose my cousin Adam.
Now, the last thing I want to do
is take something from a woman.
There's nothing
I respect more than women.
(GIGGLES) Is that so?
Yes'm. I've raised 16 daughters
into strong, independent women,
I'm a registered doula,
and I always order edamame
for the table.
(SIGHING): Oh, my God. Oh. Huh.
So, y-you're all alone up here?
With no one to
touch your sweaty biceps?
Huh?
A man's never alone, Lois,
so long as he has his principles.
(SHUDDERING): H-H-Holy thundering Lord.
Lois, can we keep it?
I'll take care of it, I promise.
- (CHOMPS)
- Aah!
Ow! He bit me!
I don't like it now.
(SQUEALING)
Peter, do you wanna maybe
do some role-playing?
Okay. I'll be Quentin Tarantino,
and you be the foot I make a mess on.
No, actually, I-I was thinking
that maybe you could pretend
to be a cowboy.
Okay.
(SIGHS): Oh, Lois
LOIS: Uh, make your voice deeper.
- PETER (DEEPER): Oh, Lois
- Deeper!
PETER (VERY DEEP): Oh, Lois.
LOIS: Good.
Now say, "Beef: it's what's for dinner."
- PETER: I-I don't
- Say it! (LOUD SLAP)
- PETER (VERY DEEP): Beef
- Oh, yes.
- It's what's for dinner.
- (LAUGHS): Oh, yes!
Oh, Wild West, Wild West.
PETER: What?!
Peter, what the hell are you wearing?
I went a different direction,
cowboy-wise,
but don't change the subject!
(PAINT CAN RATTLES)
- Peter, what are you doing?
- I've decided that Wild West
is the worst possible person
to be mayor,
and I'm gonna do
whatever I can to stop him.
O-Okay, is this because I called
out his name twice during sex
and once while I was peeing after?
- That's part of it, yes.
- I'm sorry, Peter, it just slipped out.
Well, I'm sorry I'm the length
of a Mike and Ike!
In your dreams.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
That one stung, Lois.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
Ooh, that one stung.
All right, I'm on your side now.
And if you're gonna beat Wild West,
you have to recognize that
one of his greatest strengths
is his voice, which makes him
sound sexy and smart
and sexy and sexy.
Where your voice sounds
like your dad's second wife
trying to describe
something she saw on Facebook.
Oh, speaking of,
do you know what a meme is?
What Course I do.
And it's pronounced "me-me."
Well, the other day, I saw one
with the most adorable kitten
tangled in a ball of yarn.
(LAUGHING)
And underneath
underneath, it said:
"(BLEEP) the police."
(LAUGHING)
Okay, that was unexpected,
so I'm gonna ignore it
and bring in Morgan Freeman,
who I've hired
to narrate your commercials.
We're gonna fight voice with voice.
Wild West claims to know
what's best for Quahog,
but there's a better choice.
And I know about choice.
I chose to be in Ted 2.
Nobody made me.
I wasn't forced at gunpoint.
I relied on my advisors,
and they let me down.
"They'll fix the script," they said.
Well, they were wrong.
I thought I'd get to act
with a talking teddy bear,
but when I got there,
it was just two ping-pong balls
on a stick.
Or maybe that was Amanda Seyfried.
I don't know.
Okay, thank-thank you.
Thank you, Morgan. Thank you.
Peter, just let me speak to the voters
about the issues
they're concerned about.
Or, instead of doing that stupid thing,
we could sabotage Wild West's campaign.
Come on, you can drive.
Big Garfield fan, huh?
Me, too.
- Not this big.
- You know, a lot of people
think I'm obsessed,
but I think I'm pretty nermal.
(LAUGHING)
Okay, you reeled me back in.
(QUIETLY): Let's see how popular
you are when I cut off your mustache.
(GRUNTS)
How is this so strong?
My hair follicles run deeper
than the roots of a sequoia.
Git him, fella.
Oh! Aah! (GRUNTS)
Aah!
Nice work.
MUSTACHE (DEEP VOICE): Thanks, boss.
(BUSHES RUSTLING)
(SIZZLING)
- Uh-oh.
- Hello?
Could somebody help me?
Don't panic, The Librarian.
(SCREAMS)
WILD WEST: Hang on, little lady.
I'm a-comin'.
(GASPS)
- I told you I could levitate.
- You did.
BRUCE: Do the thing with the hose!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight:
Quahog's new mayor is Wild West.
(CHEERING)
With a final vote of 43 to 19,
it's clear that no one really cared.
Nice job, guys.
Peter, can I talk to you?
- What?
- Look,
I know we've had our differences,
but I'm hoping that someday
we can bury the hatchet,
maybe even be friends.
Until then, I want you
to take care of this for me.
(QUIET SQUEAKING)
(GASPS) For me?
Thank you, Wild West.
And I'm sorry I tried
to destroy your reputation
by burning down a library.
I can see now that
I'm better than that.
(SQUEAKING)
Wild West, I just want to say
congratulations,
and I know you'll do a great job
for our town.
I appreciate that, Lois,
and you can rest easy
knowing that you
and the good people of Quahog
are safe under my watchful eye.
- You ever kill a man?
- What?! Why?
Just making conversation.
Wild West, why don't you play us a song?
Aw, shucks,
I don't know if I could do that.
(PLAYING INTRO
TO "BLUE SHADOWS ON THE TRAIL")
Arizona moon keep shining
From the desert sky above
You know pretty soon
That big yellow moon
Will light the way back
To the one you love
Blue
Shadows
On the trail
Little cowboy
Close your eyes
And dream
All of the doggies
Are in the corral
All of your work is done
Just close your eyes
And dream, little pal
Dream of
Someone
Bom, bom-bom-bom, bom, bom-bom-bom
Bom, bom-bom-bom, bom-bom, bom-bom
Bom, bom-bom-bom, bom, bom-bom-bom
Bom, bom-bom-bom,
bom-bom, bom-bom, bom.