Live at The Apollo (2004) s19e07 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight,
Tim Renkow!
APPLAUSE
Hello!
Hello, Apollo! How are you doing
tonight?
CROWD CHEERS
Yeah.
So, I had a weird one.
Today I was waiting for a bus,
and this old woman came up to me
and she went,
"Excuse me, sir, do you have
cerebral palsy?"
And I went, "Yeah, I do. Cool.
You win the prize."
And she went like,
"My brother had that.
"He died from it."
Then she just stopped talking.
That was the end of that story.
I looked it up, by the way.
You cannot die from cerebral palsy.
So I think she killed her brother.
But I didn't know that at the time.
And I spent the rest of the day
going, "Ah, shit.
"I should be dead right now."
But I'm not dead.
Which only means one thing.
I am a god.
Yeah. I spent the rest of the day
thinking I was
the Second Coming of Jesus
..trying to walk on water.
Just Maybe I'm not crippled.
Maybe just land is not my forte.
Yeah, it turns out swimming
is not my forte.
I have a friend
who just moved onto a houseboat
because he's failed at life.
Right? And he did the worst thing
anyone's ever done to me.
He invited me over
..onto a boat.
And I went, "No. I'm not going
on your boat."
"You come onto the land"
"..with the rest of us
functioning adults."
And he went, "No, come on
My boat's great!
"Come on my boat!"
And I went, "I'm not going on a boat.
"The only use I am on the boat
"is as the anchor."
And he went, "Oh, you're afraid
of drowning.
"Don't worry. I have armbands."
You know what happens when I wear
armbands?
I still drown
..but my hands stay dry.
Thank you.
So, me and my wife,
we go to Amsterdam a lot
because of drugs.
And that's the only reason
to go to Amsterdam.
I love I love the Netherlands
because I love a country
that decided,
"Look, guys. We could either
legalise drugs
"or learn how to cook."
You guys chose cooking,
and that was a bad choice.
I love My favourite thing
to do in Amsterdam is to sit
outside a coffee shop
with a spliff
CHEERING
..shouting at
..shouting at strangers,
"I was fine before this!"
Some good shit, man.
But me and my wife go to Amsterdam
a lot.
And it's weird going to Amsterdam
in your 30s because
when you're young,
you tell the truth.
You're like, "I'm going to go.
I'm going to party. It'll be fun."
Easy. But something happens
when you hit 32.
For no reason, you just start feeling
the need to lie to yourself,
and you just start going, "No.
"I want to go to Amsterdam
because of the museums.
"I really want to see Van Gogh."
No, you don't!
No-one wants to see Van Gogh.
Van Gogh killed himself.
Not even Van Gogh wanted
to see Van Gogh.
Me and my wife go to Amsterdam a lot,
and we're starting to run out of
lies to tell ourselves, right?
So this year, my wife went, "Oh,
honey, I know what we should do.
"I want to see Anne Frank's house."
And I did not want to see
Anne Frank's house because I don't
believe in mixing drugs and Nazis.
I've tried it
..and now I'm in a wheelchair.
Seriously,
white supremacists hate me.
Like, they really hate me.
But they never know what race I am,
so I just get called
every racial slur.
Like, I get called spic
when I'm in America.
I've been called the P-word here.
I even got called the N-word once.
And I was like,
"Do you want to try again?"
I'm a crippled Mexican Jew.
I give you options
..and that is not one of them
..officer.
So, me and my wife are going
to Amsterdam,
and she wants to go
to Anne Frank's house.
I really don't want to go
to Anne Frank's house.
And we get into it, right?
And we get
But eventually, we compromise
and we go.
So we get there, and for those
of you that don't know,
Anne Frank lived in an attic,
on the third floor.
We get there, and obviously,
it's inaccessible.
And I'm like, "Oh, no!
"Oh, Jeez!
"What are we ever going to do?
"Oh, well. Let's get stoned."
Well, my wife got genuinely upset,
and she went,
"No, this is unacceptable.
"This is culture. This is history.
This needs to be accessible."
And I'm like, "No, it doesn't."
I would argue Anne Frank's house
doesn't need to be accessible.
In fact, I would go so far
as to argue
Anne Frank's main problem
..was her house was too accessible.
And my wife's a smart lady.
And so she had a comeback,
but that's when the mushrooms
kicked in.
Oh, this is fun!
And I'm definitely
not saying to do this
or I've ever done this
on national television,
I'm definitely not saying that.
But IF, and that's an if,
IF you happen to be going
through customs high on mushrooms,
IF you're doing that,
I don't know why you would,
but IF you're doing that
..do it in a wheelchair.
It's great!
No-one thinks you're stoned.
Everyone thinks
you're just like that.
And you get so many cookies.
You might think I'm going to hell
for that joke, but I'm actually not,
because Jesus loves me.
I get told that a lot. Jesus
It's such a strong opening.
It's like, Jesus doesn't even
know me.
You know?
I'll have coffee with Jesus,
see where it goes, you know?
It's weird Like, this one
broke me the other day.
A guy came up to me.
First words out of his mouth were,
"Have you been touched by Jesus?"
And I just broke.
I went, "Yes.
"It was bad.
"I didn't give him permission.
"And to make matters worse,
"he gave me an STD.
"I was pissing wine for a week!"
Uh, yeah. I don't like people.
I like Do you know what I like?
I like homeless people.
I don't like homeless people.
I like one homeless guy.
Right? And I always give him money.
And my wife always gets mad at me.
She's like, "Don't give him money!
He'll just spend it on crack."
And I'm like,
"Yeah. But counterpoint,
"he wants crack."
So I don't see the issue.
Like, if I knew where
to get him crack,
I'd just get him crack.
I would love to cut the middleman
out of our relationship.
But I do always give him money.
And it's not because
I'm a good person,
because I'm not.
It's not good to give him money.
I'm helping him kill himself.
I give him money for one reason
and one reason only.
It's so when Christians come
It's because his name is Jesus.
So now when Christians come up to me
and go, "Jesus loves you,"
I can be like, "Yeah.
"But only because I give him money
for crack."
I've never done crack.
I really want to.
I do. I haven't done it because
I'm afraid no-one would blame me.
Right? That's the fear, is you're on
the street smoking crack,
and somebody you went to high school
with walks by you and goes,
"Yeah, that makes sense."
No, I've never done it,
but I want to do it.
I have it all planned out
because I have a friend that always
says, "Oh, I'm going to do heroin
on my deathbed."
And I'm like, "Yeah. Well, you live
on a houseboat.
"You're already halfway there."
I don't want to do heroin
on my deathbed,
cos that sounds boring.
I'm going to do crack on my deathbed
because I want to give my loved ones
a false sense of hope.
Just, "Oh, I think Tim's going
to pull through.
"He has so much energy."
I'll tell you one last story.
And it's a sad story.
I hate to do it to you.
It's so sad.
And it's only six words.
It's the saddest story I have.
And I don't know that
you can handle it,
but here it goes.
A man
..failed
to mug me.
Isn't that a tragedy?
It's so sad! Like, I am so muggable.
Like, I'm so muggable that sometimes
I walk past a reflection of myself
and I think, "Oh, I should mug
that guy."
Right? Like, I'm so muggable
that if I'm in a video game,
I'm not even level one.
I'm the tutorial.
It was awful, cos what happened
was he snatched at my phone
and I just grabbed it
and wrestled it away from him.
And then he ran away
and I had to chase him, being like,
"Stop! Come back!
"I'll give you another chance!"
And as I was chasing this guy,
I realised I'm in the wrong job.
You know? I shouldn't be a comedian.
I should work for the Government
as the test of whether or not
someone gets benefits.
Right? And the test is,
if you cannot mug me
..the Government needs to help you.
Are you ready for your first set?
CHEERING
Well, give a loud applause
for Janine Harouni!
Hello, Apollo. How are you guys
doing? You good?
CHEERING
Thank you so much for having me.
It is so nice to be here.
This is such a nice gig to do.
Because I'll be honest with you,
when you do this for a living,
it is not always like this.
One time I did a one-man show
to one man.
I was in a super tiny venue,
and I was preset on the stage
so I could see that no audience
was coming in and I thought, "OK.
"Well, I won't do the show today."
And then right before it came time
to make that decision, one man
walked through the door
holding two beers.
I think he really understood
the mood of the piece,
and he walked in and he sat down
directly in front of me
in the first row. And then
the lights started to go down,
signalling the beginning
of an hour-long show
that I had to do to one man.
And right before it went to total
blackout, he just leaned forward
and whispered, "Don't worry.
WHISPERING: "It's only me."
So this is already way better
than that.
It's also just very nice to be back
at work
because I've just finished
maternity leave.
Me and my husband, we had our first
baby this year.
CHEERING
Thank you. I say we had a baby.
I had the baby. I'm a god,
my husband is an ingredient.
I had my baby via elective
C-section, which means there was no
medical need for one. I just chose
to have a C-section.
And I said that the other day to one
of my husband's friends,
and he went,
"Mm, took the easy route.
"Popped that baby out the sunroof."
I was like, "Yeah, I popped that baby
out the sunroof of a car
"that doesn't have a sunroof."
Because it is major abdominal
surgery that you are awake for.
And nobody tells you this,
but after the baby comes out,
they wheel the baby away,
your husband leaves
and then you are left there alone,
just listening
to yourself have surgery.
And because I went to
a teaching hospital, at one point,
I heard the senior doctor
say to the junior doctor,
"Mm.
"Now, what I would have done
differently there"
So it is good to be here
just on this Earth in general.
I live here now. I'm from the States
originally,
but I moved to London a few years
ago to go to drama school
because I wanted to study to become
a serious stage actor.
But after two years of training,
my life took a very unexpected turn.
And now, when I'm not doing comedy,
as you can guess,
I am a full-time
stay-at-home actress.
But I am glad that I moved over
because I love living over here.
I love the people. I love
the accents over here
Because no matter what you guys say
to me,
if it's in a little British accent,
I can't help but find it
just completely charming.
And it could be anything.
One time I was dressed up on a night
out and this friend of a friend
just went
"That is literally the cutest outfit
I've ever seen."
And I was like, "Oh, thank you!"
And then she went
"I wish my boobs were small enough
to wear tops like that!"
And I just thought, "Oh, man.
If you were American,
"I'd punch you in the mouth."
I am so glad that you laughed
at that accent, sir.
It cost me £9,000 in drama school
fees to learn how to do.
And it's only ever come in handy
two times in my whole life.
The first time was when I bumped
into this guy
who I had been on a very awkward
Tinder date with
a few months before.
I bumped into him in the street
one day randomly,
and he was like, "Janine?"
And I just went
Sophie," and ran away.
A lot of people, they ask me ask me
what I think the biggest cultural
difference is between the US
and the UK.
They're like, "Is it the food
or the sense of humour?"
Mm-mm. Hands down, you guys.
It is circumcision.
Because, I don't know if you guys
know this, but in the States
basically all the boys
are circumcised.
Did you guys know that?
So when I moved over here,
I was very shocked
because I had never even seen
organic produce before
..and I did not know to expect it.
It's not the kind of thing they give
you a heads-up about on TripAdvisor.
Or TIP Advisor No. OK. I'll stop.
So the first time that I messed
around with an English guy,
I was just like, "OK,
"they grow differently here."
Because American men, they all get
the snip, you know?
They're just, like, hanging out,
in your face.
But British men, you're much more
reserved, you know?
Even your penises like to
keep to themselves.
I don't know why I made such
direct eye direct eye contact
with you, sir.
You just look very uncircumcised
Are you uncircumcised?
Take it out! Show the people!
I love living in the UK.
Lots of really great things
have happened since I moved here.
I met my husband. I had my son.
Actually, last year,
I was nominated for
the UK's Asian Woman of Achievement Award.
CHEERING
Thank you. I was very surprised,
because I am not a woman
of achievement,
or Asian.
People said they were not
expecting it -
I was really not expecting it.
I'm not Asian. I am I'm Arab.
Well, I'm half-Arab, half-Irish,
which makes meItalian?
I don't really know.
Some of my cousins in the balcony
there.
No, it's a very sexy combination,
half-Arab, half-Irish.
It basically means that I am
both pale and hairy. Mm!
Oh, gentlemen love it!
Although I say that I'm pale,
but then I moved to the UK
and learned that there are shades
of pale I'd never seen before.
You guys have just like a rainbow
of milks walking around outside.
One of the first guys I dated
when I moved to the UK,
he was a blonde-haired,
blue-eyed gentleman. Bless him,
he was so pale, had to be careful
near cliff edges
or boats would just be beckoned
towards him.
And he once joked in front
of all of our friends that
my back hair gave him beard envy.
It's fine though. I just told him
I was actually completely hairless
before we met,
but then we slept together,
my body identified that I was
the alpha and responded accordingly.
He was the worst. Thank you.
Appreciate the round of applause
for my fellow hairy women
in the room. I see you.
He was actually an actor,
but I'm not sure if you guys
would know him. The best thing
he's ever been in
was me.
Anyway, we're married now,
so that's cute.
No, my husband's great.
Although I still find it weird
saying husband. Like, it feels
too grown-up. But he loves it.
He thinks it sounds
very sophisticated.
The night before we got married,
he was practising in the kitchen.
He was like, "This is my wife.
"Can I introduce you to my wife?
"You try it, Janine." So I just went,
"Hurry up. My husband will be
home soon.
"Wow, it is sophisticated!"
He's tall, my husband,
which surprised lots of
my friends and family
because I've always dated short men.
I'm very attracted to short men.
Why not? I'm a short woman.
And the thing is, when you're
a short woman, short men
look at you differently.
Like, they're not just looking
at you like, "You're my type."
They're looking at you like,
"You're my chance at a normal life."
And I love that look, you guys.
It gets me going, you know?
Like, a tall man will look at you
like, "I'mma buy you a drink."
A short man will look at you like,
"I'mma build you a house"
"..where the countertop's real low."
Just chopping veg at
a comfortable height.
We got married during the pandemic,
and it meant that we were only
allowed to have two people
at the wedding. And it was great.
But I said that the other day and
this girl went
get to have your dream wedding."
I was like, "Bitch, my wedding cost
£4 and my parents weren't there.
"That IS my dream wedding!"
Because my parents were being
so unreasonable.
They were insisting that we had to
get married in a Catholic church,
and we didn't want to do that.
Especially because in order to be
married in the Catholic Church,
you have to go to a marriage course
that is taught by a priest.
Maybe I'm missing something here.
I'm not sure how much
relationship advice
I'mma get from a virgin.
And also, this is
a Catholic priest, remember.
That's best-case scenario,
he's a virgin.
So we did not do that.
We actually got married in our local
registry office, and it was great.
The only problem was
the man who officiated,
he looked at my name
and just took a shot.
My name is Janine Harouni.
He called me Janinia Halloumi
for the duration of the ceremony.
And when he got to the part where
he was like, "Repeat after me.
"I, Andrew Nolan, take you,
Janinia Halloumi"
My husband is such a nice man.
He just repeated him.
So I'm not sure we're
legally married.
You guys have been so great.
I'm going to leave you
on one final story.
It's the most embarrassing
thing I've ever done.
Do you guys want to hear that?
CHEERING
OK, so like I said, when I don't
do stand up-comedy,
I'm a stay-at-home actress.
And a few months before
the pandemic, I was cast in a film
opposite Keira Knightley.
And I was super excited.
It was a biopic, so I was actually
playing a real person.
I'm not sure if anyone here knows
much about French history
around the turn of the century,
but I was playing someone called
Girl Number Two.
I'm not sure if I'm pronouncing
that right.
I had a super tiny part.
I had one line in the movie and
I was meant to seduce her with it.
So I was meant to be like
SEDUCTIVELY: "I don't remember
meeting YOU before."
You know, just so sexy that
she'd be so turned on
that she'd just float away in
a river that she created herself.
But I was so nervous that instead
of being sexy,
I was creepy as fuck.
And I just went
RASPINGLY: I don't remember meeting
you before.
I have no idea why
it came out like that.
But no matter how many times
we did it,
it just kept coming out the same.
I was just like RASPINGLY: I don't
remember meeting youbefore.
And I thought, "All right, Janine.
You are stuck in a loop here.
"You need to do something
to break the cycle."
So I thought, "Well, I'm a comedian.
I'll just make a joke of it."
So I looked at her and I was like,
"I am so sorry. This is not
coming out right."
It's less like I want
to seduce you and more like
I want to murder you
and then fuck your dead body.
I said that to her.
I thought it would be hilarious.
You guys, she did not find it
hilarious.
In fact, she looked terrified of me,
and I had to just sit there
and awkwardly finish the scene.
And then I just left the set,
avoiding eye contact with everyone.
And when I got home,
I was completely mortified.
But eventually I got over it
because I thought,
"I will never, ever see her again.
"And even if I did, she would never
remember who I was."
But then two weeks later,
they had a wrap party for the film.
And when I got there, I saw her
and she saw me
and she was like, "Janine, right?"
And I just went
"It's actually Sophie."
And ran away. Thank you so much,
Apollo!
This has been a dream.
Have a good night! Thank you!
APPLAUSE
Janine Harouni!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Are you ready for your next act?
Stuart Goldsmith!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
WHISTLING
Good evening, Apollo.
CHEERING
Lovely to be back in London.
I no longer live in London.
These days I live in Bristol.
WHOOPING
Sure.
I live in Bristol,
I should point out, under duress.
I was forced to leave London
to move to Bristol as the result of
losing an argument about
starting a family.
Left the city I love
to be with the woman I like.
And
LAUGHTER
No, she's fantastic.
She's perfect. But is she as good
as everything in London?
She's got all the right opinions,
but lacks infrastructure.
I'm pretty centred at the moment,
pretty settled.
I'm in a good place in my life.
Finally overcome a lifelong
battle with anxiety!
What's his secret? Money.
It's just money. Sorry.
Yeah. It's not fair that
that's how happiness works.
At long last, I can afford
really good quality therapy
and I feel terribly guilty
that's not available to everyone,
but obviously I have learned
to manage those feelings.
So really, the one blot
on the landscape,
the one thing that I just can't
get out of my mind
is the same worry that no-one
can get out of their minds
and no-one's allowed
to talk about it -
it is, of course,
the climate crisis.
I know!
I don't want to hear
about it either.
But it's all I'm going to talk about
for the rest of my set.
Ah. Yeah.
WHOOPING
It's not long, but it will feel long.
Back in Bristol, I'm chatting
to two friends of mine
just around the corner
from where I live.
They're lovely guys.
Their names are Brian and John
and they're real people
and they don't know
that I'm talking
about them here tonight,
so I have anonymised them, but only
by switching the names around.
And Brian
WHISPERS: John.
..he actually works
in sustainability.
He's pretty clued up, right?
Knows a lot about the subject.
He was telling me he hates glitter.
I was like,
"Mate, we live in Bristol.
"There's some on your face now."
He said, "Go away, look it up."
So I did, I went away, I looked
it up and you may not know this,
I didn't realise this.
Glitter is actually a microplastic.
It's a combination of aluminium
and a plastic called
polyethylene terephthalate,
which is also my drag name.
And you come back
from the festival, don't you?
You come back, you've got
the glitter on your face,
you wipe off the glitter,
you chuck it in the bin.
But there is no bin. Not really.
It all ends up in landfill
or more usually, the sea -
the big blue bin -
and it sinks down
to the seabed,
the fish eat it,
it gets in the breast milk.
Who's breast feeding fish?
We don't know, but they've been
doing it for decades.
And now all of our insides
sat here this evening
are laminated because of glitter.
And I hear something like that
or a statistic or a fresh news story,
and it gets in my head and
it's all I can think about
for the rest of the day.
Climate crisis, climate crisis.
I think about it when I drive to
a gig to talk about the environment
in my diesel car.
My WIFE'S diesel car.
What a wicked, selfish woman.
I think about it,
I think about it when I'm cooking
rice for our family for dinner,
and I can't be bothered
to cook rice properly.
It takes, like, 10 or 12 minutes,
so I just buy those little stupid
plastic packets of rice
and I mic it up in the microwave.
It's pathetic.
Now, in my defence,
like a lot of comedians,
I am blessed with ADHD,
which as we know,
stands for Attention
and then three other things.
And
LAUGHTER
..so the idea, the notion
of spending 12 minutes
cooking rice properly,
are you mad?
I could use that time to start
five or six other projects.
So I think about it, it gets
on my mind and it makes me sad.
Sometimes it makes me really sad.
And when I get sad, I get angry.
I want to blame someone.
I want to blame someone.
I think every generation wants to
blame the generation before theirs.
I don't think that makes sense,
if you focus on the individuals.
I can't blame my dad.
He's so innocent.
He knew, but he didn't know.
He's so guileless.
My dad, bless him, 12 years ago,
he'd saved up and saved up
and he took himself on holiday
to the Galapagos Islands.
And he came back and he said,
"Stu, you have got to go
to the Galapagos Islands.
"It's the most beautiful
place I've ever been.
"But," he said, "they're going
to close the Galapagos Islands
"to tourists because
it turns out tourists
"are destroying
the Galapagos Islands.
"So, Stu," he said, "get in quick."
Can't blame him for that.
It's not his fault
the tortoises are so delicious.
It's not his fault.
Now, there are certain big companies
that you CAN blame.
We know this. And I do realise
as soon as I use the term
"big companies,"
there's a certain percentage of you
will understandably start thinking,
"Oh, yeah, big companies. Got it.
"This is some sort of ranting
YouTube conspiracy guy who's
"done his own research,"
and I really haven't.
But
..one of these companies,
a fossil fuel company
I won't name them,
but suffice to say
they are a British petroleum company.
LAUGHTER,
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
In the '90s,
they popularised the idea
of the carbon footprint calculator.
I'm sure you've heard of that.
And that was their attempt
to shift the blame,
to shift the responsibility onto us,
as if it's solely a problem of
consumption and not also production.
That was their attempt to say,
"We at this morally neutral
fossil fuel company
"have created for you - scumbags -
this system,
"so that you can more accurately
assess precisely how culpable
"you are for using
our morally neutral product.
"You're welcome. You're welcome.
You disgust me."
That's outrageous.
Isn't that awful?
That's like when you're stuck
in traffic behind a lorry
and on the back of the lorry,
there's a big sign saying,
"If you can't see my mirrors,
I can't see you."
And you just think,
"Get bigger mirrors, you wanker!"
How is this my fault?
Like the driver's going to be
pulling into the depot
at the end of the shift -
"You all right, Barry?
You all right there, Clara?
"Kill any cyclists?"
"Very possibly."
If only there were some means
to resolve the tiny mirrors issue
that has vexed this industry
for years.
Oh, well.
You might feel angry.
You might feel motivated to action.
And I couldn't believe this.
The data shows that two thirds of us
want more action on the climate,
but that those same people think
that they're in the minority.
And we're not.
You're not.
It's insane to me.
But what kind of action do you take?
You can get 100,000 people together
and you can all march in front
of the Houses of Parliament.
Barely anyone will even
report on it.
But if you get a load
of orange powder
and whang it on a green
baize snooker table,
that image will be
seen around the world,
which proves to me
that democracy is a fad,
but snooker is eternal.
LAUGHTER,
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
They know.
They know it winds you up.
They know it pisses people off.
But every time these activists do
something nuts,
Google searches for climate crisis
go through the roof.
The radicals get the conversation
on the front page
and then they melt away
and the more moderate people
can have the conversation.
It worked for the Suffragettes.
It worked for Snoop Dogg.
There's no way Snoop Dogg
can have the cookery show,
much less host the Paris Olympics,
without first selling a bucket-load
of crack in the '90s.
And it was one of these demos,
actually, one of these big protests
about a year and a half ago,
it had a really big impact on me.
I don't know if you saw this.
It was the one where
scientists were so angry
that no-one was listening to them
that they started
glueing themselves to things.
Not students, scientists.
People who understand
how glue works.
D'you know what I mean?
Not on a, you know,
not in the way
you and I understand it,
like "Ugh, sticky,"
but on a molecular level.
I mean, obviously, I consider myself
a man of science,
but if I've got half
a bottle of Prosecco left,
before I put it in the fridge,
I will take a metal spoon and
place it in the neck of the bottle.
Do you do What?
What is What is that?
How can that possibly do anything?
What are we imagining
is happening there?
"Oh, it's a very scientific process.
"The bubbles of carbon dioxide,
they rise up
"and then when they see their
reflection in the concave surface
"of the spoon,
they have this crisis of confidence.
"They retreat into the beverage."
Scientific process.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Listen.
I appreciate, I appreciate
you coming with me on this.
I know I can come off
like a preacher.
I've had that levelled at me.
That accusation.
"Oh, he's a preacher."
Listen, I am the exact
opposite of a preacher.
Think about it. A preacher is someone
who's done a huge
amount of research
about something completely made up.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, listen,
obviously flying's a big one.
A lot of people feel bad
about flying. I'm no different.
And the thing is, I enjoy it.
I enjoy flying.
I love all the pomp
and the faff at the airport.
I quite enjoy the pat down.
I like it. The one bit,
the one bit I don't love
is when I get onto the plane
and I have to turn right
and then walk through business class
on my way to my bit,
because I lead a very lucky
and privileged life
and this is really the only time
in my life when I'm surrounded
by people who think they're better
than me and who can back it up.
So if I'm honest, what I do is
I release whatever greenhouse gases
I've managed to store up
throughout the day.
Not very proud of that.
But I was offered a gig recently.
I was offered a gig to perform
for the sustainability department
of a big organisation,
big company in Berlin,
and they rang me up and they said,
"Would Mr Goldsmith
like to fly business class?"
And I assured them,
in no uncertain terms,
that Mr Goldsmith
"would, would, would.
Yes. Make that happen.
"Yes. Do it now.
Immediately, please, yes."
And if I'm totally honest,
by the time I had been carried
onto the plane by the pilot,
gently set down in my seat,
tousled my hair, nothing overtly
sexual, definitely a spark
By the time I'd been offered
a champagne cocktail for take-off -
don't mind if I do - metal cutlery
Metal cutlery! Cos obviously
terrorists can't afford
business class.
I have to say, when I had
undergone the treatment,
I turned into
the monster I despise.
I'm so ashamed.
By the time you rabble walked past
on your way to cattle class
Sorry, that's what we call you.
You wouldn't get it.
You walked past with your laughable
single piece of hand luggage.
Really?
..I genuinely caught myself
having this thought.
I sort of thought out loud,
I thought,
"Maybe I have worked
that little bit harder."
It was awful.
But I got to the show, did the show
and afterwards one of
the producers said to me -
and I've checked this since
in detail, it's absolutely true.
One of the producers said,
"Did you know
"that business class travel,
business class flight
"generates three times the emissions
of regular economy class travel?"
And that's absolutely true.
It's three times worse
for the climate,
three times worse the emissions
because obviously you're using
more space on the plane,
the seat's much heavier,
all the stuff they bring
for you adds extra weight,
plus, your pockets are full
of conflict diamonds. You know.
So I thought, "I'm going
to use that knowledge
"as one of my little steps
in the right direction."
I thought, "From now on,
no more business class for me."
I thought, "I will use it
as an opportunity
"for some climate communication."
The next time I get offered
business class,
I will decline on climate ethics
grounds, because I tell you what
..flying may feel fantastic.
Business class may feel sensational.
But nothing, nothing feels as good,
gives you so much internal prestige
as walking through business class,
knowing that you were offered it,
but declined
on climate ethics grounds.
And I made that vow
the moment I got home.
Thank you very much.
I've been Stuart Goldsmith. Cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE,
WHISTLING
Stuart Goldsmith, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's the end of the show.
Give it up for Stuart Goldsmith
one more time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And Janine Harouni!
WHISTLING,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Thank you guys for coming.
I'm going back to
the cryogenic chamber.
Have a good night.
Bye-bye, bye-bye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE,
WHISTLING