Family Guy s19e08 Episode Script
Pawtucket Pat
1
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a Fam ily Guy.
ESPN now returns
to our 30 for 30 documentary
on the Houston Astros cheating scandal.
We knew the Astros
were stealing signals.
Someone was back there
banging on a trash can.
We just couldn't figure out who.
Several players were
interviewed by the league,
but none would reveal the mastermind
of this garbage can scheme.
Hey, everyone. I have some news.
I got a job writing for
Quahog's top website, The Hog.
Starting tomorrow,
I'm an online journalist.
Isn't The Hog
that stupid pop culture site
with those lame quizzes
telling you what character
you are in a show?
Peter's mad 'cause
he always gets Barney Rubble.
If I were mad, would I laugh like this?
I don't think so.
Congratulations, Brian.
Yeah, we're all very happy for you.
Thanks. I'm really excited.
And I totally nailed the interview.
So, Brian, I got a great recommendation
from your last employer.
Yes, I worked for Mr. Skin
at five dollars a pun.
You know, I came up with
Halle's Berries,
Elle Fanny, Abigail Breastlin.
You're really good
at sexualizing children.
- I-Is that a problem?
- No, no, no.
That's a big part of online journalism.
Now, let's have a look
at your sample material.
Well, I've got a listicle
of alcohol brands
that are also guys' names.
Whoa! Talk about
bursting out of the gates.
Cardi B tweeted something
and I retweeted it
with "This, this, this, this, this."
Wow. That is some top-shelf journalism.
And here's some pictures of cute animals
that wives can shove
in their husbands' faces
to keep them from ever going to sleep.
Brian, stop. I can only hire you
so many times.
Welcome to The Hog.
I'll ask my roommate to move
his car so you can pull out.
Cup of joe and a greasy roll, please.
Okay, whatever this is,
I already hate it.
Sorry, I'm up against
a deadline on a big story.
Major ramifications.
Lid, prepare to be blown off.
"Best butts to sniff at the park."
I, um, I don't I-I don't think
this is an article for human readers.
Now hold on there, Stewie,
just hear the man out.
Thank you, Chris.
I also posted a couple
of articles last night.
Real think pieces.
"Star Wars movies ranked best to worst
except for the two I haven't seen."
Well, that seems lazy.
And which two didn't you see?
Uh, the original Star Wars
and The Empire Strikes Back.
I'd still rather read that
than "9/11s since 2000
"ranked best to worst.
Number one may surprise you."
September 11, 2014?
We lost Richard Kiel,
the actor who portrayed Jaws
in the James Bond films.
All right, let's see what's on demand.
Thank you for
watching Cox Cable On Demand.
We have a lot of great movies,
like Guy Ritchie's Snatch on Cox.
All right
And we've got other great features.
If you want to see
Carrie, Blow, Big, Shaft
and the 2008 indie hit
Choke, you need Cox.
Okay, I I guess they're all movies.
And if you're looking for comedy,
check out performers
Lewis Black, Andy Dick,
- and Ed Lover
- Peter, turn off the TV.
All right.
Guess who just wrote ten facts
you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
Is one that he's Jewish?
Guess who just wrote nine facts
you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
He likes classic cars?
Guess who just wrote eight facts
you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
You probably said he was Jewish
a second time.
All right, new article,
"One Fact You Didn't Know
About Michael Richards."
You can't use that word in an article.
And I will find
a new show to write about.
Hey, I'm working on a story
about fat guys
belly-flopping onto cement.
Will you put on these roller
skates and go clean the gutters?
I'm not doing that.
It might get retweeted by Joe Rogan.
Ooh. I'll do anything Joe Rogan says.
I think he's the best
dumb guy king we've ever had.
When this story breaks,
it's gonna be big.
Like when Horton heard The Who.
All right
That's not singing,
- it's just screaming.
- Yeah!
Okay, I have to write
an article on the life
of the town's hero and brewery
founder, Pawtucket Pat.
Now, where's the normal,
well-adjusted person
who works in a small-town archive?
Yes?
I, uh I'm-I'm looking
for some old manuscripts.
Excellent. Bats, take me to him.
Okay, this is everything
they have on Pat.
God, I bet no one's even read
most of this stuff before.
Huh, what's this?
Some kind of leather-bound book
sealed with wax.
Wow. I think it's his diary.
See? Men can too have diaries.
Yeah, his cover
doesn't have sparkles, champ.
First page. "Dad, don't read this."
Second page. "Seriously, Dad,
don't read this."
Third page. "Dad, what are you doing?
Don't read this."
Fourth page. "I kissed my sister."
Okay, let's flip ahead.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- He says that he didn't create
his recipe for beer.
He stole it from some Native Americans
and killed them to keep his secret,
and then he kissed his sister again.
What? That's insane.
Pawtucket Pat is the most
revered person in Quahog.
Not anymore. This is a big story.
Can you believe it? It's like
we're Woodward and Berenstain.
Follow the honey.
What the hell?
Hey, hey. What are you guys doing?
Why are you so upset about Pat?
Pawtucket Pat was a phony!
I remember you.
But no, he isn't. He's a hero.
Not anymore. He's a racist murderer
and this statue should be torn down.
God, there's a lot wrong with this,
but you can't tear this down.
Pat's an icon.
That statue belongs
right here in the park,
next to the statue
of Quahog's greatest missionary,
Father Touchboys.
That statue was removed a year ago.
For what?!
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story: the revelations
about local hero Pawtucket Pat
continue to rock Quahog.
The town is divided
over whether his statue
should remain in the park.
Even the pigeons who poop on it
are in a moral quandary.
So, what do you two think of
the statue being on public land?
- Coo.
- Not coo.
My friend is the mailman.
I'm gonna give him a heart attack.
Good job, Brian. Your work
has actually made an impact.
Thanks, Stewie. I think everybody's
gonna be happy about this.
Where do you get off?!
In my bedroom, mostly.
Sometimes the bathroom.
Or wherever I see
a lady seal an envelope.
Good, good. I am glad
we can talk frankly about sex.
And Brian, how dare you try to take down
the statue of Pawtucket Pat?
Oh, my God. You don't actually support
keeping it there, do you?
Of course I do.
It's been there my whole life.
And I am gonna do whatever
it takes to keep it up.
Finally, Peter cares
about keeping something up.
Lois, will you stifle yourself?
Yesterday, Meg sat there without pants.
Yuck. Brian, Pat is a hero.
H-He practically built Quahog.
And his statue is part of the town.
And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let
some draft-dodging liberals
tear it down.
- We don't have a draft.
- Well, then,
who shaved my head
and yelled at me for two months?
Peter, we've been over this.
That was the Heaven's Gate cult.
Oh, right, that-that thing
with the shoes.
Yeah, o-once I got the shoes, I split.
The statue has got to go.
Brian, for years, it's been a tradition
that every boy, when he turns 16,
has to kiss the statue's crotch
while his friends take pictures.
That's not a tradition.
Ah, then I think
some fun was had at my expense.
Peter, we can't leave a symbol
like that in the town square.
Pawtucket Pat was a horrible racist.
Well, so is Tucker Carlson,
but we still say hi to him
at the company picnic.
Brian, if you apply the values of today
to people who lived almost 300 year ago,
uh, doesn't that mean we'd have
to take down the statues
of pretty much everyone?
I-I mean, where do you draw the line?
Wait a minute, y-you don't agree
with Peter, do you?
I don't know. I-I'm uncomfortable
with a racist statue being smack
in the middle of Quahog,
but as a woman, I need landmarks
to find my way around town.
I mean, without that statue,
I'm completely disoriented.
Okay, if anyone needs me,
I'll be in the kitchen.
Damn it, who moved the lamp?
Well, what does the rest
of the family think? Chris?
- Ha! You got sunflowered.
- What?
When a Gen Z kid
wants out of a conversation,
he leaves a large sunflower
in his place.
That's ridiculous. There is no way
that children regularly disappear
and then replace themselves
with sunflowers
just to express their boredom.
Ha. You got sunflowered again.
Why are you back?
We only have one sunflower.
Okay, I-I clearly don't
understand your generation,
but Meg, you're currently
taking world history.
What do you think
should happen to the statue?
I don't care. I'm an agent of chaos.
Ow! Well, screw you guys.
Pawtucket Pat is a hero.
That statue ain't going nowhere.
It's a part of history.
Just like Catherine the Great.
My great people of Russia.
As your empress, my legacy shall
be expanding Russia's borders,
growing her armies, building palaces
that will be admired for centuries
We heard you had sex with a horse!
I have created alliances with
the great powers of Europe
What about the horse sex?
There is no horse sex!
Is this guy bothering you, Cathy?
I can handle this.
Hey guys, I got you all "Keep
Up the Statue" hats, or "KUTS."
Kuts? Isn't that the lady's
hairdresser down the street?
Why don't you tell me?
Peter, I'm not wearing a Kuts hat.
Come on, if I refer three friends,
I get a free blowout.
Tell them Mary Sparkles sent you.
But never call me that
in front of my family.
Where was this place, again?
Peter, anybody who supports
that statue is a racist.
Racist? How can a 300-pound white guy
who looks at black porn be racist?
Here, Peter. You were sent a beer
by that table of businessmen.
- Which table?
- No, no. No, no. Don't look.
Make them come to you.
You guys haven't read my book, have you?
- Peter, they're leaving.
- They'll come.
They're getting in their vehicle.
They're pulling into the
street without looking.
Oh, no, they've been hit by a bus!
They'll come. I followed the rules.
Peter, they can't come. They're dead.
That was the day I lost my sparkle.
I was just Mary after that.
Excuse me, would you sign
this petition demanding
that the city take down the
Take down the what?
- Uh, nothing.
- Good.
Hey, could you do me a favor
and elbow-wipe
74 years of pigeon (BLEEP)
off my shoulders?
Uh, okay.
Who are you, anyway?
I'm Rhode Island founder Roger Williams,
otherwise known as the end
of the worst field trip
in elementary school history.
It's true.
The kids are very disappointed.
Oh, yeah, "And Wife" is totally
getting' them jazzed.
Move, Brian, you're in my spot.
You're Mrs. Groceries?
She touched the manager over the pants.
Love her or hate her, she plays to win.
- Anyway, how's it going?
- Not good.
I'm not getting any signatures
on this petition.
Really? It looks like
you've got quite a few.
Oh, mostly they just say,
"Brian is gay."
Yeah, I have to be careful.
If 200 people write it,
- it goes on the ballot.
- Well, at least you're trying.
I mean, what is Peter doing
to drum up support for his side?
Ladies and gentlemen,
to support Pawtucket Pat,
please welcome Kid Rock.
Hello, Quahog.
Whenever there's a town debate
with racial overtones,
I'm there on the wrong side.
Aw, crap, everybody run.
It's Adult Rock.
Kid, you want to tell me why
I found your mother's
best T-shirt-cutting scissors
outside in the rain?
I don't know.
Why can't you be more
like your brother, The?
Rupert, I was going over
our credit card statement.
There's a charge for two tickets
to Tootsie the musical,
yet I don't remember going
to see Tootsie the musical.
Now, I'm hoping the good news
is I'm ruining the surprise.
God, I can't believe
Peter is actually winning
public support for that damn statue.
And he's throwing rocks
through my window,
and it's his house.
Ugh, that rock was too heavy.
Got to find something lighter.
Okay, so something in between.
That statue is such a disgrace.
I'll tell you,
part of me wants to march down
to that park and remove it myself.
Well, why don't you?
It'd be a noble act.
Think of it as civil disobedience.
Disobedience? But I'm a good boy.
I obey. I always obey.
I'm a good boy who obeys.
Okay, d-don't think
of it as disobedience,
Forget I used that word.
You're a weird guy, Bri.
A weird doggy guy.
Ha! Found some medium rocks.
You know what? That's a great idea.
Like not separating immigrant
children from their families.
If you're the first one
to stop applauding,
that means you're racist.
Thanks for helping me, Stewie.
All right, let's tie the rope
around the statue
and tow it out of here.
All right, great. But before we begin,
I'm just going to use the park bathroom
- at night.
- Stewie, no.
I got a lollipop!
That's great, bud.
Now let's stop talking about
that lollipop and get to work.
Okay, we're almost ready to do this.
Did you bring the masks?
- Right here.
- What the hell is this?
You said to bring masks.
These are from last year's
charity ball at the Guggenheim.
Whatever. Just help me
tie this rope to the car.
Sorry, I need a free hand
to hold up my mask.
Enough with the damn masks!
All right, let's get this statue
out of here.
I guess you only paid
for driver's side airbags.
Yeah. When I bought this, I was
dating a girl I didn't like.
Wow, look at this.
The statue's disappearance
is being covered everywhere.
I can't believe we really did it.
- I just hope we don't get caught.
- So what?
Mom would just ground us
and take away screen time,
and then realize that without
screens, she has to entertain us
and immediately give it back.
Stewie, destroying a statue is a felony.
If we're caught, we'll go to prison.
Prison?! I can't go to prison.
Peter watched all six seasons of Oz
with me in a BabybjÃrn.
I'm too young to have
someone go poo on my face.
Well, there's really
no good age for it to happen.
All right, Stewie, just relax.
And don't do that weird,
nervous laugh you do
- when you're hiding something.
- Got it.
- Morning, everybody.
- Where have you guys been?
No-Nowhere, of course!
Will you calm down?
So, uh, where's Peter?
Uh, he went to some rally
'cause the statue's gone.
He's angrier than Al Pacino's
forehead liver spots.
Comb your hair down instead of up.
Give us some shade. We're dying up here.
Yeah, what do you call that haircut?
You're nearly 80 years old.
You look like the kid
from Jerry Maguire.
What are you going for
with all of these spots?
I want to look like mashed potatoes,
with the skins on.
This is awesome. What a turnout.
And look, here comes Fox News.
It's amazing how recently
that show aired.
That statue was a travesty
and so is the brewery.
They should close it
and make juice instead.
What? How dare you?
Juice will not replace us.
Juice will not replace us!
Juice will not replace us!
My God, Peter, what are you doing?
Taking up politics
to avoid intimacy with my wife.
Peter, is that you?
I thought we could protest together.
All right, no more politics.
Time for trains in the basement.
- Stop!
- Collaborate and listen.
We are from the Narragansett tribe,
from whom Pawtucket Pat
stole his recipe.
And we are annoyed that no one
has asked us what we think.
You guys kind of dress
like weekend Jay Leno.
Thank you. We've just come
from the Wang-Holder wedding.
See?
Little more of that, John Oliver,
and maybe you'll finally
get that 14th Emmy.
Well, what do you guys think?
This statue is only the tip
of the iceberg.
The pressing issue isn't
what someone did 300 years ago,
it's how do we help
Native Americans today
and end the institutional racism
that still plagues society?
The poverty rate on reservations
Oh, damn, you got sunflowered.
Everyone, come back.
Uh, come back. He makes a good point.
We've all been so focused
on what the statue means to us
we didn't even stop to consider
how Pawtucket Pat affected others.
But Pat's the town hero.
If he's nothing, then so is Quahog.
No, it's not.
Quahog is still a wonderful town.
I-I mean, we still got
one of those Arby's signs.
You know? T-The old ones,
you know, with the big old hat?
That's been gone for ten years.
Oh, (BLEEP) this place.
No, no, you know what? No.
Quahog is a wonderful town,
because of who we are and what we do,
not because of some guy
who stole beer 300 years ago.
Especially when he did horrible things
to some of our fellow citizens.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Thank you, Peter.
Now, crowd of angry whites,
I think we all owe our Native
American friends an apology.
Sorry.
Angry whites.
- Sorry!
- That's better.
Well, Brian, I guess
I owe you an apology, too.
You were right from the start.
Sorry things got so heated between us
and that I took a dump in your dog food.
- Wait, what?
- I know. Politics, huh?
- Come on everybody, let's go home.
- I'll drive.
Where the hell are we?
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story:
the statue of Pawtucket Pat
was found earlier today
in the Quahog River.
In the spirit of compromise,
the town has decided
that it will be
relocated to the Quahog Museum,
where it will be both remembered
and never seen by anyone ever again.
Well, thank God this whole
controversy is behind us.
Yeah. And Peter, I'm glad
you came to your senses.
Me, too. You know, we might
even win an award for this.
- Really?
- Yeah, award voters love it
when someone
with a right-leaning viewpoint
admits they're wrong.
They declare it's good storytelling
and character development.
Ooh, like Three Billboards.
- And Green Book.
- Driving Miss Daisy.
American History X.
Yeah, all those. And many more.
But can anyone name a single
movie where someone on the left
took on a more
Republican-leaning viewpoint?
Doesn't even have to have won an award.
Just has to exist.
Anyone?
Anything?
What about Fritz Lang's Metropolis?
How'd you get here?
Mm, in my Hyundai Sonata.
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a Fam ily Guy.
ESPN now returns
to our 30 for 30 documentary
on the Houston Astros cheating scandal.
We knew the Astros
were stealing signals.
Someone was back there
banging on a trash can.
We just couldn't figure out who.
Several players were
interviewed by the league,
but none would reveal the mastermind
of this garbage can scheme.
Hey, everyone. I have some news.
I got a job writing for
Quahog's top website, The Hog.
Starting tomorrow,
I'm an online journalist.
Isn't The Hog
that stupid pop culture site
with those lame quizzes
telling you what character
you are in a show?
Peter's mad 'cause
he always gets Barney Rubble.
If I were mad, would I laugh like this?
I don't think so.
Congratulations, Brian.
Yeah, we're all very happy for you.
Thanks. I'm really excited.
And I totally nailed the interview.
So, Brian, I got a great recommendation
from your last employer.
Yes, I worked for Mr. Skin
at five dollars a pun.
You know, I came up with
Halle's Berries,
Elle Fanny, Abigail Breastlin.
You're really good
at sexualizing children.
- I-Is that a problem?
- No, no, no.
That's a big part of online journalism.
Now, let's have a look
at your sample material.
Well, I've got a listicle
of alcohol brands
that are also guys' names.
Whoa! Talk about
bursting out of the gates.
Cardi B tweeted something
and I retweeted it
with "This, this, this, this, this."
Wow. That is some top-shelf journalism.
And here's some pictures of cute animals
that wives can shove
in their husbands' faces
to keep them from ever going to sleep.
Brian, stop. I can only hire you
so many times.
Welcome to The Hog.
I'll ask my roommate to move
his car so you can pull out.
Cup of joe and a greasy roll, please.
Okay, whatever this is,
I already hate it.
Sorry, I'm up against
a deadline on a big story.
Major ramifications.
Lid, prepare to be blown off.
"Best butts to sniff at the park."
I, um, I don't I-I don't think
this is an article for human readers.
Now hold on there, Stewie,
just hear the man out.
Thank you, Chris.
I also posted a couple
of articles last night.
Real think pieces.
"Star Wars movies ranked best to worst
except for the two I haven't seen."
Well, that seems lazy.
And which two didn't you see?
Uh, the original Star Wars
and The Empire Strikes Back.
I'd still rather read that
than "9/11s since 2000
"ranked best to worst.
Number one may surprise you."
September 11, 2014?
We lost Richard Kiel,
the actor who portrayed Jaws
in the James Bond films.
All right, let's see what's on demand.
Thank you for
watching Cox Cable On Demand.
We have a lot of great movies,
like Guy Ritchie's Snatch on Cox.
All right
And we've got other great features.
If you want to see
Carrie, Blow, Big, Shaft
and the 2008 indie hit
Choke, you need Cox.
Okay, I I guess they're all movies.
And if you're looking for comedy,
check out performers
Lewis Black, Andy Dick,
- and Ed Lover
- Peter, turn off the TV.
All right.
Guess who just wrote ten facts
you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
Is one that he's Jewish?
Guess who just wrote nine facts
you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
He likes classic cars?
Guess who just wrote eight facts
you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
You probably said he was Jewish
a second time.
All right, new article,
"One Fact You Didn't Know
About Michael Richards."
You can't use that word in an article.
And I will find
a new show to write about.
Hey, I'm working on a story
about fat guys
belly-flopping onto cement.
Will you put on these roller
skates and go clean the gutters?
I'm not doing that.
It might get retweeted by Joe Rogan.
Ooh. I'll do anything Joe Rogan says.
I think he's the best
dumb guy king we've ever had.
When this story breaks,
it's gonna be big.
Like when Horton heard The Who.
All right
That's not singing,
- it's just screaming.
- Yeah!
Okay, I have to write
an article on the life
of the town's hero and brewery
founder, Pawtucket Pat.
Now, where's the normal,
well-adjusted person
who works in a small-town archive?
Yes?
I, uh I'm-I'm looking
for some old manuscripts.
Excellent. Bats, take me to him.
Okay, this is everything
they have on Pat.
God, I bet no one's even read
most of this stuff before.
Huh, what's this?
Some kind of leather-bound book
sealed with wax.
Wow. I think it's his diary.
See? Men can too have diaries.
Yeah, his cover
doesn't have sparkles, champ.
First page. "Dad, don't read this."
Second page. "Seriously, Dad,
don't read this."
Third page. "Dad, what are you doing?
Don't read this."
Fourth page. "I kissed my sister."
Okay, let's flip ahead.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- He says that he didn't create
his recipe for beer.
He stole it from some Native Americans
and killed them to keep his secret,
and then he kissed his sister again.
What? That's insane.
Pawtucket Pat is the most
revered person in Quahog.
Not anymore. This is a big story.
Can you believe it? It's like
we're Woodward and Berenstain.
Follow the honey.
What the hell?
Hey, hey. What are you guys doing?
Why are you so upset about Pat?
Pawtucket Pat was a phony!
I remember you.
But no, he isn't. He's a hero.
Not anymore. He's a racist murderer
and this statue should be torn down.
God, there's a lot wrong with this,
but you can't tear this down.
Pat's an icon.
That statue belongs
right here in the park,
next to the statue
of Quahog's greatest missionary,
Father Touchboys.
That statue was removed a year ago.
For what?!
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story: the revelations
about local hero Pawtucket Pat
continue to rock Quahog.
The town is divided
over whether his statue
should remain in the park.
Even the pigeons who poop on it
are in a moral quandary.
So, what do you two think of
the statue being on public land?
- Coo.
- Not coo.
My friend is the mailman.
I'm gonna give him a heart attack.
Good job, Brian. Your work
has actually made an impact.
Thanks, Stewie. I think everybody's
gonna be happy about this.
Where do you get off?!
In my bedroom, mostly.
Sometimes the bathroom.
Or wherever I see
a lady seal an envelope.
Good, good. I am glad
we can talk frankly about sex.
And Brian, how dare you try to take down
the statue of Pawtucket Pat?
Oh, my God. You don't actually support
keeping it there, do you?
Of course I do.
It's been there my whole life.
And I am gonna do whatever
it takes to keep it up.
Finally, Peter cares
about keeping something up.
Lois, will you stifle yourself?
Yesterday, Meg sat there without pants.
Yuck. Brian, Pat is a hero.
H-He practically built Quahog.
And his statue is part of the town.
And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let
some draft-dodging liberals
tear it down.
- We don't have a draft.
- Well, then,
who shaved my head
and yelled at me for two months?
Peter, we've been over this.
That was the Heaven's Gate cult.
Oh, right, that-that thing
with the shoes.
Yeah, o-once I got the shoes, I split.
The statue has got to go.
Brian, for years, it's been a tradition
that every boy, when he turns 16,
has to kiss the statue's crotch
while his friends take pictures.
That's not a tradition.
Ah, then I think
some fun was had at my expense.
Peter, we can't leave a symbol
like that in the town square.
Pawtucket Pat was a horrible racist.
Well, so is Tucker Carlson,
but we still say hi to him
at the company picnic.
Brian, if you apply the values of today
to people who lived almost 300 year ago,
uh, doesn't that mean we'd have
to take down the statues
of pretty much everyone?
I-I mean, where do you draw the line?
Wait a minute, y-you don't agree
with Peter, do you?
I don't know. I-I'm uncomfortable
with a racist statue being smack
in the middle of Quahog,
but as a woman, I need landmarks
to find my way around town.
I mean, without that statue,
I'm completely disoriented.
Okay, if anyone needs me,
I'll be in the kitchen.
Damn it, who moved the lamp?
Well, what does the rest
of the family think? Chris?
- Ha! You got sunflowered.
- What?
When a Gen Z kid
wants out of a conversation,
he leaves a large sunflower
in his place.
That's ridiculous. There is no way
that children regularly disappear
and then replace themselves
with sunflowers
just to express their boredom.
Ha. You got sunflowered again.
Why are you back?
We only have one sunflower.
Okay, I-I clearly don't
understand your generation,
but Meg, you're currently
taking world history.
What do you think
should happen to the statue?
I don't care. I'm an agent of chaos.
Ow! Well, screw you guys.
Pawtucket Pat is a hero.
That statue ain't going nowhere.
It's a part of history.
Just like Catherine the Great.
My great people of Russia.
As your empress, my legacy shall
be expanding Russia's borders,
growing her armies, building palaces
that will be admired for centuries
We heard you had sex with a horse!
I have created alliances with
the great powers of Europe
What about the horse sex?
There is no horse sex!
Is this guy bothering you, Cathy?
I can handle this.
Hey guys, I got you all "Keep
Up the Statue" hats, or "KUTS."
Kuts? Isn't that the lady's
hairdresser down the street?
Why don't you tell me?
Peter, I'm not wearing a Kuts hat.
Come on, if I refer three friends,
I get a free blowout.
Tell them Mary Sparkles sent you.
But never call me that
in front of my family.
Where was this place, again?
Peter, anybody who supports
that statue is a racist.
Racist? How can a 300-pound white guy
who looks at black porn be racist?
Here, Peter. You were sent a beer
by that table of businessmen.
- Which table?
- No, no. No, no. Don't look.
Make them come to you.
You guys haven't read my book, have you?
- Peter, they're leaving.
- They'll come.
They're getting in their vehicle.
They're pulling into the
street without looking.
Oh, no, they've been hit by a bus!
They'll come. I followed the rules.
Peter, they can't come. They're dead.
That was the day I lost my sparkle.
I was just Mary after that.
Excuse me, would you sign
this petition demanding
that the city take down the
Take down the what?
- Uh, nothing.
- Good.
Hey, could you do me a favor
and elbow-wipe
74 years of pigeon (BLEEP)
off my shoulders?
Uh, okay.
Who are you, anyway?
I'm Rhode Island founder Roger Williams,
otherwise known as the end
of the worst field trip
in elementary school history.
It's true.
The kids are very disappointed.
Oh, yeah, "And Wife" is totally
getting' them jazzed.
Move, Brian, you're in my spot.
You're Mrs. Groceries?
She touched the manager over the pants.
Love her or hate her, she plays to win.
- Anyway, how's it going?
- Not good.
I'm not getting any signatures
on this petition.
Really? It looks like
you've got quite a few.
Oh, mostly they just say,
"Brian is gay."
Yeah, I have to be careful.
If 200 people write it,
- it goes on the ballot.
- Well, at least you're trying.
I mean, what is Peter doing
to drum up support for his side?
Ladies and gentlemen,
to support Pawtucket Pat,
please welcome Kid Rock.
Hello, Quahog.
Whenever there's a town debate
with racial overtones,
I'm there on the wrong side.
Aw, crap, everybody run.
It's Adult Rock.
Kid, you want to tell me why
I found your mother's
best T-shirt-cutting scissors
outside in the rain?
I don't know.
Why can't you be more
like your brother, The?
Rupert, I was going over
our credit card statement.
There's a charge for two tickets
to Tootsie the musical,
yet I don't remember going
to see Tootsie the musical.
Now, I'm hoping the good news
is I'm ruining the surprise.
God, I can't believe
Peter is actually winning
public support for that damn statue.
And he's throwing rocks
through my window,
and it's his house.
Ugh, that rock was too heavy.
Got to find something lighter.
Okay, so something in between.
That statue is such a disgrace.
I'll tell you,
part of me wants to march down
to that park and remove it myself.
Well, why don't you?
It'd be a noble act.
Think of it as civil disobedience.
Disobedience? But I'm a good boy.
I obey. I always obey.
I'm a good boy who obeys.
Okay, d-don't think
of it as disobedience,
Forget I used that word.
You're a weird guy, Bri.
A weird doggy guy.
Ha! Found some medium rocks.
You know what? That's a great idea.
Like not separating immigrant
children from their families.
If you're the first one
to stop applauding,
that means you're racist.
Thanks for helping me, Stewie.
All right, let's tie the rope
around the statue
and tow it out of here.
All right, great. But before we begin,
I'm just going to use the park bathroom
- at night.
- Stewie, no.
I got a lollipop!
That's great, bud.
Now let's stop talking about
that lollipop and get to work.
Okay, we're almost ready to do this.
Did you bring the masks?
- Right here.
- What the hell is this?
You said to bring masks.
These are from last year's
charity ball at the Guggenheim.
Whatever. Just help me
tie this rope to the car.
Sorry, I need a free hand
to hold up my mask.
Enough with the damn masks!
All right, let's get this statue
out of here.
I guess you only paid
for driver's side airbags.
Yeah. When I bought this, I was
dating a girl I didn't like.
Wow, look at this.
The statue's disappearance
is being covered everywhere.
I can't believe we really did it.
- I just hope we don't get caught.
- So what?
Mom would just ground us
and take away screen time,
and then realize that without
screens, she has to entertain us
and immediately give it back.
Stewie, destroying a statue is a felony.
If we're caught, we'll go to prison.
Prison?! I can't go to prison.
Peter watched all six seasons of Oz
with me in a BabybjÃrn.
I'm too young to have
someone go poo on my face.
Well, there's really
no good age for it to happen.
All right, Stewie, just relax.
And don't do that weird,
nervous laugh you do
- when you're hiding something.
- Got it.
- Morning, everybody.
- Where have you guys been?
No-Nowhere, of course!
Will you calm down?
So, uh, where's Peter?
Uh, he went to some rally
'cause the statue's gone.
He's angrier than Al Pacino's
forehead liver spots.
Comb your hair down instead of up.
Give us some shade. We're dying up here.
Yeah, what do you call that haircut?
You're nearly 80 years old.
You look like the kid
from Jerry Maguire.
What are you going for
with all of these spots?
I want to look like mashed potatoes,
with the skins on.
This is awesome. What a turnout.
And look, here comes Fox News.
It's amazing how recently
that show aired.
That statue was a travesty
and so is the brewery.
They should close it
and make juice instead.
What? How dare you?
Juice will not replace us.
Juice will not replace us!
Juice will not replace us!
My God, Peter, what are you doing?
Taking up politics
to avoid intimacy with my wife.
Peter, is that you?
I thought we could protest together.
All right, no more politics.
Time for trains in the basement.
- Stop!
- Collaborate and listen.
We are from the Narragansett tribe,
from whom Pawtucket Pat
stole his recipe.
And we are annoyed that no one
has asked us what we think.
You guys kind of dress
like weekend Jay Leno.
Thank you. We've just come
from the Wang-Holder wedding.
See?
Little more of that, John Oliver,
and maybe you'll finally
get that 14th Emmy.
Well, what do you guys think?
This statue is only the tip
of the iceberg.
The pressing issue isn't
what someone did 300 years ago,
it's how do we help
Native Americans today
and end the institutional racism
that still plagues society?
The poverty rate on reservations
Oh, damn, you got sunflowered.
Everyone, come back.
Uh, come back. He makes a good point.
We've all been so focused
on what the statue means to us
we didn't even stop to consider
how Pawtucket Pat affected others.
But Pat's the town hero.
If he's nothing, then so is Quahog.
No, it's not.
Quahog is still a wonderful town.
I-I mean, we still got
one of those Arby's signs.
You know? T-The old ones,
you know, with the big old hat?
That's been gone for ten years.
Oh, (BLEEP) this place.
No, no, you know what? No.
Quahog is a wonderful town,
because of who we are and what we do,
not because of some guy
who stole beer 300 years ago.
Especially when he did horrible things
to some of our fellow citizens.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Thank you, Peter.
Now, crowd of angry whites,
I think we all owe our Native
American friends an apology.
Sorry.
Angry whites.
- Sorry!
- That's better.
Well, Brian, I guess
I owe you an apology, too.
You were right from the start.
Sorry things got so heated between us
and that I took a dump in your dog food.
- Wait, what?
- I know. Politics, huh?
- Come on everybody, let's go home.
- I'll drive.
Where the hell are we?
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story:
the statue of Pawtucket Pat
was found earlier today
in the Quahog River.
In the spirit of compromise,
the town has decided
that it will be
relocated to the Quahog Museum,
where it will be both remembered
and never seen by anyone ever again.
Well, thank God this whole
controversy is behind us.
Yeah. And Peter, I'm glad
you came to your senses.
Me, too. You know, we might
even win an award for this.
- Really?
- Yeah, award voters love it
when someone
with a right-leaning viewpoint
admits they're wrong.
They declare it's good storytelling
and character development.
Ooh, like Three Billboards.
- And Green Book.
- Driving Miss Daisy.
American History X.
Yeah, all those. And many more.
But can anyone name a single
movie where someone on the left
took on a more
Republican-leaning viewpoint?
Doesn't even have to have won an award.
Just has to exist.
Anyone?
Anything?
What about Fritz Lang's Metropolis?
How'd you get here?
Mm, in my Hyundai Sonata.