Family Guy s19e09 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a Fam ily Guy!
We now return to The Today Show
with Matt Lauer sadly
looking in the window.
First up, Rachael Ray will be here
to help us with a simple
Christmas recipe.
Can I come back now?
Then, Al will be in to get you ready
with your Christmas travel weather.
Are you guys still sore at me?
We also share your best tweets
about family visitors.
I thought about what I did.
(BLEEP)
(BLEEP)
(BLEEP)
That looks heavy.
Well, dragging a bin full
of decorations down the stairs
while repeatedly yelling (BLEEP)
in front of my children
means only one thing.
It's Christmas time.
Yeah, Lois, I knew
it was Christmas a week ago
when the "O" in the PornHub
logo became a wreath.
- Same.
- Nice.
Listen, there's a lot of work to be done
to make this place look festive,
and unlike most years,
where I do everything,
this year I want you all
to help with the Christmas chores.
Come on, Lois.
You know the deal around here.
We split everything zero-100,
like most couples.
And I also have another request.
I'd like to finally get a present
from the heart this year.
Not just some defective clothing item
Peter got on clearance at Marshalls.
But you love The Roling Stons.
Now, to make sure
you don't forget your chores,
I've made you each a list.
And I want all
of these completed by tomorrow.
Sorry. I can't do chores.
My trick elbow is acting up.
- Is that your card?
- No.
Oh, boy, it's worse than I thought.
Why are we doing our Christmas
shopping at the strip mall?
'Cause we ran out of gas out front.
You got to get that gas gauge fixed.
Look, Chris, did you want
the gas gauge fixed,
or did you want a year of Quibi?
The gas gauge.
I'm sure we can find everything
on Mom's list here.
It doesn't look so bad.
If this place doesn't have Baby
Yoda toys, I swear to God
I'll probably buy something
with Spider-Man on it.
Okay, guys, now before
you can shop at a strip mall,
you have to use the free-standing ATM
that's chained to a pole
and not affiliated with any known bank.
Good. It's taking an extra-long time
to read the card and probably
stealing the number.
Select "yes" to pay $15 fee. No brainer.
Perfect. Now I can't read the screen,
'cause the glare is so bad.
And it's not giving me my card back.
Hello?
Yes, this is Peter Griffin.
Not anymore?
Well, thanks for telling me.
Look, there's a card
and nice paper store.
Let's go walk around it slowly
and let out tiny farts.
Hmm. Nice, thick card stock.
Ah, yes, that's a very bright white.
Ooh, Century Gothic font.
Miss, this store is for tiny farts only.
There's a Lids next door
for that sort of thing.
Welcome to the strip mall H&R Block.
Yes, I'd like to do my taxes.
- How much does H charge?
- $59.
Hmm. How much does R charge?
$59.
Does R know H has a side thing
going with M? H&M?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Is H back from lunch yet?
Sorry. He said he was held up
with a client.
You were with M again, weren't you?!
What? No, I wasn't.
Then why are you wearing
a designer-looking shirt
at a fraction of the cost?
Maybe I wanted to get caught.
I told you what I'd do
if I ever caught you cheating.
This is on you!
Why?! Why?!
What's up? I was just taking a pee.
Someone call?
Sometimes they let me write
my own skits.
We now return to CBS This Morning
with Charlie Rose sadly pressed
against the window.
Coming up this morning,
Christmas came early
for a group of first graders
in South Bend, Indiana.
You guys still cross with me?
Hey, how was the big day of shop
Wait. Where's all the Christmas stuff?
Ah, yeah. About that
I can't believe this.
Brian, where's Stewie's
Elf on the Shelf?
Meg, where's the twinkling
lights I asked for?
Peter, where's the Christmas tree?
We don't even have a tree.
I'm sorry, Lois.
I got it all under control.
Don't you worry about a thing.
I'll be right back.
Peter, you did get a tree.
Oh, it's beautiful.
I sure did, Lois, because I love
you and I love this family.
Oh, Peter.
Peter. Peter.
Peter. Peter?!
Peter Griffin,
what the hell is going on here?
Huh? Huh? What? Oh, yeah.
I was gonna go get all
the Christmas stuff,
but then I fell asleep rubbin' one out
to Madonna's "Santa Baby" in the car.
By the way, tonight's date night
is cancelled
due to lack of interest.
Peter, you were all supposed
to take the weight
of the holidays off my shoulders
for once, and you failed.
You all failed.
Brian, you're supposed
to be responsible.
Bad dog. Bad.
Damn it. And who got candy cane
all over the couch?
You know what? I've had it.
Every year, my cousin asks me
to come to Cabo for Christmas.
Well, this year, I'm going.
You're all gonna see how hard it is
to make Christmas happen
around here without me.
I am packing my bags,
and I'm out of here.
You're getting divorced?
No, I'm just leaving for a few days
and ruining their Christmas.
You're ruining Christmas
by suing the city
over holiday decorations?
No, I'm just leaving my family
for the holidays.
You're doing deaf jokes?
No. No one's doing deaf jokes.
Well, I can't hear, so I don't know.
She's not doing them.
- What?
- I don't know.
I think we I think
I think we are doing
deaf jokes at this point.
I can't believe Mom went to Cabo
and left us alone for Christmas.
What are we gonna do?
Well, I'll tell you
the first thing we're gonna do.
We're gonna delete all of her
pretentious crap off the DVR.
I want to be the one
to delete The Crown.
She never watched them.
She just had 'em.
Do it, son.
Well, well, well, The Crown.
How the tables have turned.
Remember this face?
The one that wanted
to watch Modern Family?
Well, payback's a bitch. Delete!
"Are you sure you want
to delete The Crown?" Yes.
"Do you understand
that it's really good?" Yes!
"Are you sure? It will impress
your friends." Accept.
"You understand that we change
the cast every season."
Acknowledge.
"Come on. It's The Crown.
It's history." Don't care.
"You are not allowed
to delete The Crown."
We now return to The Crown.
I actually kind of love it.
Ah, me, too.
It's 'cause I'm trash,
and I love how fancy it is.
Dad, this doesn't help with Christmas.
Yeah, we're screwed.
Who's gonna decorate?
Who's gonna cook Christmas dinner?
Okay, calm down.
Now, I know your mom's gone,
and we're a little worried,
but Daddy's got a plan.
All right, everybody, go outside
and kneel face-first
in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole.
Come on, Peter. We can do this.
All right, Plan B.
I take two pills I got
after my root canal
and listen to records.
It's been four days.
Huh. Not too bad.
First of all, these are
really good binoculars.
Second, this was a great plan.
Watching the family fall apart
without me is better than Cabo.
Ah. Look at them.
I'll get a phone call any minute
begging me to come back
and save Christmas.
But in the meantime, it's time
for a little relaxation.
Welcome to the Quahog Motel,
the winner of Tripadvisor's award for
"Best In-Room Stationery to
Write Your Suicide Note On".
Yeah, this is gonna work.
Now all I have to do is lie here
and wait, like a cobra.
- Cobra? Party of one?
- Yes, that's me.
And would you like me to bring
your drink from the bar?
Uh, yes. I have no hands?
All right, time to put up
the 2020 Christmas decorations.
First, ethnically-accurate
Jesus goes right here
next to Father Mary
and Mother Josephine,
followed closely by
the three genderless Wise People
on their Bird Scooters,
Tig Notaro for some reason,
and of course, the Little Drummer Them.
Because God forbid we call a boy a boy.
- Dad, what are you say
- I don't like what the world is!
I'm white! When's it gonna be our turn?!
Peter, relax.
How am I supposed to relax?
Christmas is tomorrow, and that woman
who normally does everything had
to go help her sick aunt or something.
- You mean Lois?
- I don't know.
The redhead with the voice.
She usually hangs up
these stupid Christmas lights.
And these stupid Christmas wreaths.
And the white wire reindeers
that look like ghosts.
Dad, look.
Oh, my God, it's perfect.
Hello?
Yeah, Merry Christmas.
Um, listen, Peter,
can you turn down those lights?
I'm in bed with a three, and, um,
extra light is not her friend.
Oh, my God.
Stewie doesn't have a jacket on,
but other than that, Peter's done it.
Yeah. Oh, you're gonna get it.
You like it rough, don't ya?
Oops, wrong room.
Sorry. We're excited.
My wife just killed herself.
What the hell?
They've never had a front yard
family snowball fight
when I was there.
Oh, and now the local news is there.
Hello. I'm Tom Tucker. This just in.
Husband does what wife normally
does, comma, makes headlines.
Come on. You can't be
Oh, look at Quagmire
trying to sneak that three out
of his house.
Now they're standing hand-in-hand?
It's like they've never been happier.
Wait. What's Peter saying?
I
love you.
They better not say it back
also in distorted slow-motion
to emphasize my horror.
I love you
too Dad.
That's it.
There's only one thing to do.
I must put an end to this whole thing.
I must stop Christmas.
Hey, what do you think this is
a Lids?
Lids: come get a camouflage Knicks hat
and let one rip.
Find us in the corner of the mall
where all the lights
are going on and off.
Thanks for the ride.
And your unsolicited racial theories.
I'm telling you:
is the Turks, every time.
Merry Christmas.
And now, to ruin Christmas.
Who left all these dirty dishes out?
Okay, much better.
I'm not even gonna think
about the grocery situation.
Okay. Ruin Christmas. Here we go.
Don't even care if they
transferred the wet clothes
from the washer to the dryer.
Oh, you see? I knew it. I knew it.
Santa Claus?
Why are you taking our Christmas tree?
Why are you in pigtails
and a little girl's nightgown?
Okay, okay, maybe
we both forget what we saw.
God, I hate being alone
during the holidays.
Wait!
Hello, Joan. My name is Glenn Quagmire.
I'm just calling to see
if I have a payment due
on my Discover card.
What? No, I'm not alone on Christmas.
I'll have you know I'm actually
here with my very large family.
Uh, prove it by telling you
my children's real names
that don't sound like
I made them up in a panic?
Uh, uh, Bloofus and Klunt.
Look, there's kids, okay?
Oh, what, you don't believe me?
Bloofus, that vase was irreplaceable.
Oh, boy, Joan, I'm gonna
have to let you go.
Wait. You think I was the one
who knocked over that vase?
How dare you, madam.
Oh, now Klunt's acting up.
Don't have kids, Joan.
- It's a big mistake.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everybo
Hey, what happened?
Peter, I I think we've been robbed.
I can't believe it.
They stole the presents,
they stole the decorations.
They even stole our tree.
I want my presents.
Okay, let's just settle down.
Everybody kneel in the backyard
in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole.
You know, Peter,
this never would've happened
if you hadn't gotten rid
of that Ring doorbell camera.
Ugh, someone crapped on the porch again.
I'm checking the footage.
Whoever it was probably
had no choice, is my guess.
Their family was probably
using all the bathrooms.
That's probably what happened,
whoever did that.
We now return to Tony Bennett's
Half-Asleep Christmas Spectacular.
A-jingle, jingle,
jingle, jingle bells
Tony!
Fa, la, la, la, la
Coming up on Tony Bennett's
Half-Asleep Christmas Spectacular,
a duet with Willie Nelson.
Guys!
- O, come
- Just hear those
- Let us adore him
- Sleigh bells ringing
And jing-jing-jingling, too
I'm back from Mexico, and definitely not
- Cost Plus World Market.
- Welcome back, Lois.
I cleaned and got groceries.
But I'm afraid we have bad news:
we've been robbed.
Robbed?
On Christmas?
Oh, my God.
I-I go away for one Christmas,
and everything goes down the drain.
All of you must feel so terrible.
Well, we did, until we realized
there was one present
- we still had.
- There is?
Yeah, Mom. Yours.
Remember how you said you wanted
a gift from the heart this year?
Well, we all got you something.
We kept it upstairs
because we didn't think
you'd be here for Christmas.
Oh, well, that's nice.
We really made a point
to stay on top of the dishes
while you were gone.
Here you go, Mom. It's from all of us.
Read the card first.
We put Brian's name on it,
but he's just the dog.
"Dear Mom, we're sorry
"we disappointed you this Christmas.
"We know you put a lot of hard work
"into making Christmas memorable.
"We love and appreciate
everything you do.
"We'll never let you down again.
That you can count on."
Wow. That's
that's really nice.
- There's more on the back.
- Oh.
"You see, having a mom is not something
"we take for granted,
because you only get one.
"And the one we have
is perfect in every way.
We love you."
It's beautiful, you guys.
Now use this black light
to read what we wrote
in invisible ink while This Is Us'
"sad stuff's about to happen"
acoustic guitar plays.
"Mom, from the very start,
"you've always been there for us.
"And we know you've always supported us
"and would never do anything
to let us down or hurt us.
"Thanks for making
every Christmas so memorable.
We love you so much, Mom."
Oh, God, I'm gonna cry.
And look up in the sky.
Aw, we should've read that one first.
Now open your present.
Wow.
W-What is it?
It's a bowl we all made for you
in a pottery class.
A denim-shirted
lesbian named CJ helped us.
It's
It's beautiful.
And what happened next?
Well, in Quahog they say,
Lois's heart grew three sizes that day.
Never seen anything like it.
Very dangerous. She's lucky to be alive.
- Thank God you're okay.
- We love you, Mom.
Best Christmas ever.
The medical emergency
distractd the family from her crimes.
She never did confess.
Instead, the Griffins' Muslim neighbor
was arrested for the break-in.
Lois said nothing and the man
was deported back to Turkey.
See? What I tell you?
Always Turkey.
Well, it's good to have you back, Lois.
If I kept having to
wash dishes and buy groceries,
- I was gonna go crazy.
- Okay.
So, Mom, who are these cousins
you were in Mexico with?
Oh, you know, just my cousins.
- Which ones?
- Yeah, Mom.
Prove it by telling us cousin names
that don't sound like
you made them up in a panic.
Of course I can do that.
My good, close cousins
Bloofus and Klunt.
In fact, I think
I hear them upstairs right now.
Bloofus? Klunt?
Oh, no, Bloofus,
not Meg's diorama project,
which is due tomorrow.
Oh, no, Klunt,
that was Stewie's aquarium with the fish
you have to feed so damn much
and they basically always die anyway.
Frickin' Klunt, man.
Bloofus, put down Peter's
pills that came in a discreet box.
Got to go.
Bloofus.
Bloofus!