Family Guy s19e12 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a Fam ily Guy!
Chris, you've hardly touched your food.
- Mom, are you a scientist?
- No.
Then quit putting me under
a (BLEEP) microscope!
Ah, there you are.
Boy, does it feel good
to walk into the right house.
- Hey, Dad, are you a scientist?
- Don't answer, Peter.
Oh, by the way,
don't make plans for Sunday.
We're taking Stewie
to the children's museum.
Can't go, Lois, I got tickets
to a meaningless
April baseball game.
Now, who wants to come with me
and be as cold as
you've ever been in your whole life?
- I do.
- Awesome.
We're gonna have a great time,
like flies on dog poop.
(BUZZING)
Sorry, gentlemen, the dog poop is full.
Come on in, ladies.
Why is Meg here?
Something happened last week
and she can't be left alone.
Like, legally.
Meg, where you going?
Come on, Meg, you got to stay by me.
I wasn't gonna do anything.
Look, it's just a few months.
Next.
Hi. Three adults and one infant, please.
Nice try, lady.
That kid's at least three.
What? That's insane.
Brian, do I look old to you?
You look fine. Guys shouldn't
have those, by the way.
But the museum man Meg wandered off.
That may end up being a problem.
The museum man just said
I looked over two.
That's mid-toddler.
I ain't trying to hear that.
Stewie, who cares?
Let's just enjoy the museum.
Uh-oh, frustrated solo parent.
I want the museum with the pumpkins.
That's the pumpkin patch. It's gone.
- (CRYING LOUDLY)
- Get up, Holden.
Holden, get up.
Get up. God!
- Get up and we'll get a toy.
- Yay.
I'm doing the best I can!
(ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE")
Excuse us, coming through.
Both fat. Sorry.
All right, we got it.
What is it, bottom of the fourth?
My Lord, it's cold. (GASPS)
Chris, look. Two Irish guys
who aren't drinking.
I just got me 30-minute chip.
Well done, lad. Here's to you.
Oh, well, Finnegan begin again.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P. A.):
Now batting for Boston,
Xander Bogaerts.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
All right, Dad, I've got my ball ready
in case Xander hits a glove our way.
Okay, got to talk more sports with you.
(CROWD ROARING)
BOTH: Yeah!
(ORGAN PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER: Folks, that was
Xander Bogaerts' 200th career home run.
(ORGAN PLAYS)
Heavens to Betsy, what a home run.
Aye. Now let's take offense at something
we thought we heard someone say.
Let's go, Red Sox.
What did you call me?
Now, before you say anything, Brian,
this is very important to me.
Stewie, what the hell
did you do to yourself?
Nothing. Almost nothing.
Just a little Botox, a little filler.
- Maybe some strings.
- Stewie, I can't believe
Oh, there's Meg.
She's wandering outside.
She shouldn't be doing that, right?
Meg, come back inside.
You're not in trouble,
just come back inside.
She should be in her room
thinking about what she did.
Stewie, this face-lift
was a big mistake.
Like letting ducks be part
of the Boston Tea Party.
We're gonna storm that ship
and get all the tea
and throw it in the water.
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
Yeah, but first we're gonna
storm that other ship
and get all the bread
and throw it in the water.
- Who's with me?
- (OVERLAPPING MURMURS)
And we got to tear the bread
into bite-size pieces
'cause of for taxes!
Thanks for taking me
to the baseball game, Dad.
It was so fun to watch
the basketball game
on the phone of the guy in front of us.
Yeah, I like that people are
never doing what they're doing.
Hey, you're the dumpy kid
who caught Xander's homer.
I seen it on the jumbotron.
I'll give you a hundred bucks
for it right now.
Oh, I just brought this ball from
Uh, uh, home. Caught from home.
Home plate, where Xander was.
We're gonna need 300 for it.
Hmm. Well, I guess it's a historic ball.
Okay, you got a deal.
Wow, I can't believe that guy
just paid us $300
for a regular baseball.
Yeah, that was so easy.
Man, people will buy anything
if they think
it's from something famous.
And he didn't even check to see
if that was the real ball.
My God, you're right, Chris.
I bet we could sell
a ton of balls like that,
and maybe other stuff, too,
not just sports.
Hey, what do you say you and me start
a phony memorabilia business?
- I'm in.
- Great.
Now let's walk through
the dangerous part of the city
'cause Daddy didn't want to pay
three extra bucks for parking.
Aah! Boston University guys,
not Harvard guys!
(CRIES OUT)
ALL: Doy, doy, doy,
doy, doy, doy, doy
Hey, Chris, what are you up to?
Just finishing our fake
memorabilia website.
- What's this now?
- From last night.
It was your idea.
Oh, I was blacked out.
- You drove us home.
- Yeah, with the window open.
You see, son, fresh air Hey, Meg.
Sweetie, where's your hallway buddy?
Dad, I'm fine.
I know you're fine. I'm fine.
We're all fine.
It's just I'm gonna need you
to go find your hallway buddy.
Okay? There's a good girl. Thank you.
Oh, my God, your baby is adorable.
- So cute.
- Let me guess, ten months?
Oh, my God, My new look is working.
I'm back into months.
Chris, what's all that lotion for?
Are you a scientist, Mom?
- I'm a scientist.
- It's for masturbating.
Okay, time to hit the road
for the sports and memorabilia
convention.
- Ready to go?
- Yep.
All right, here we go.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Chris, we just left.
I know, but I got to go.
Ah, fine. We'll pull over at Joe's.
- Bathroom's for customers only.
- (SIGHS)
All right, how much is the gum?
- Four dollars.
- For gum?
- Go somewhere else.
- Fine.
Bathroom code is six-six-four-eight-two-
six-one-zero-three-five-five-four-nine.
Could you Could you say that again?
You got to buy another pack of gum.
(GROANS)
Six-six-four-eight-two-six-one-
zero-three-five-five-four-nine.
Okay, six-six-four-eight-two
What-What's the rest?
Here, let me have
Tommy Tutone sing it for you.
Six-six-four-eight
Two-six-one-zero-three-
five-five-four-nine
Six-six-four-eight
Two-six-one-zero-three-
five-five-four-nine
- I got it
- He got it
I got it.
What's this?
This is O. J. Simpson's Heisman Trophy.
(WHISPERING): Are you crazy?
You shouldn't claim to have that.
Relax, it's fine.
What are the chances he tries
to steal it back twice?
Hey, did he sign your head?
- No.
- He signed my head.
Stewie, you know, I've been
thinking about this whole
Oh, my God, what happened to your face?
- Stewie?
- Hello? Who's there?
Sorry, Brian, my eyes
don't close when I sleep,
and I'm blind for a few seconds
when I first wake up.
Stewie, you got more plastic surgery?
I know, it was a mistake.
I told you not to do this.
You're way too young to be
getting plastic surgery.
(WHISTLES NASALLY)
- Stewie!
- What? Who's there?
Sorry, Brian, my eyes
don't close when I sleep,
and I'm blind for a few seconds
when I first wake up.
Yeah, you already said that.
I think one of the cuts got
too close to my brain.
Brian, school pictures are in two days.
What am I gonna do?
All right, don't worry.
Here's what we're gonna do.
(STEWIE WHISTLES NASALLY)
- Stewie!
- Who's there?
Oh, Brian, I need your help.
This is a nightmare.
I couldn't afford
Jennifer Aniston's doctor.
I had to use Kenny Rogers'.
(THE PRICE IS RIGHT LOSING HORN PLAYING)
Great news, Dad.
Legit Collectibles just had
our biggest sale ever.
Shh, I don't want your mother to hear.
Don't worry, she won't.
She's on the phone with
her dramatic friend Gina.
No, I believe you saw a ghost,
but y-you talked to him for 45 minutes?
Maybe that part was a dream.
Okay, what'd we sell?
You know the captain's hat
we said Sully Sullenberger
was wearing when he
landed in the Hudson?
Someone bought it off
our website for five grand.
No way. What moron paid that much?
Um, someone named Obi-Wan Quagmire.
Obi-Wan Quagmire.
I wonder if they mean
old Glenn Quagmire.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Check out my new Sully Sullenberger hat.
And tell Kate to clear the runway
'cause I'm going down on the Hudson.
The-the Hudson Brothers?
No. Who are they?
Oh, we've got a short clip.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- (LAUGHTER)
- (TIRES SCREECH)
ANNOUNCER: It's The Hudson Brothers
Razzle Dazzle Show,
starring Bill, Mark and Brett,
the Hudson Brothers.
With Ted Zeigler,
Billy Van,
and Peter Cullen.
Murray Langston and Freeman King.
Avril Chown.
The Bear.
And Rod Hull and his
extraordinary Australian emu.
And sets, lights,
and all sorts of fun things
on The Hudson Brothers
Razzle Dazzle Show.
(LAUGHTER)
- Razzle dazzle
- Set yourself down
- Razzle dazzle
- It's time to turn it on
- Razzle dazzle
- Get up on your feet
And razzle-dazzle
- Hey, do you want a good time?
- Razzle
Well, we're gonna lay it on the line
- Dazzle
- Now we're gonna have a good time
And razzle-dazzle
- Razzle dazzle
- Set yourself down
- Razzle dazzle
- It's time to turn it on
- Razzle dazzle
- Get up on your feet
And razzle-dazzle
(MUTTERING)
take my Saturday morning away.
I'll show them (SCREAMS)
(WHOOPING)
ANNOUNCER: And here they are,
the Hudson Brothers.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We're gonna razzle-dazzle you
You'll never believe
all the things we can do
We're gonna razzle-dazzle you
Yes, we're gonna razzle-dazzle
Razzle dazzle
Set yourself down
Razzle dazzle
It's time to turn it on
Razzle dazzle.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We'll be right back.
(LAUGHS)
(SHOUTS) Bird strike. We hit a goose.
I'm going down. I'm going down.
Nope. Not today.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, boy, we are screwed.
If Mr. Quagmire ever finds out
that's just The Skipper's hat
from our Skipper and Gilligan
Halloween costume last year
You sold him my Skipper hat?
Damn it, I need the hat.
But you're right.
If he ever figures it out,
we're in trouble.
What are we gonna do?
Well, we definitely
shouldn't kill him, Dad.
Right? That's not an option?
At this point, there's only
one way out of this.
Time to use the go bag.
Chris, you are now Colin
Parmesan of Athens, Greece.
You sell prosthetic ears to veterans.
- Got it.
- Would you like any more details?
Dad, I'm an ear salesman. I got it.
And I'm Mr. Fields, husband
of cookie legend Mrs. Fields.
You could pick anyone and you chose
to be the husband of somebody famous?
Look, it lets me have
all the cookies I want
and play golf every day.
Okay, I guess you're right.
Happily married, you do what you like.
Well, we're great friends.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine.
We-we both realized the physical thing
wasn't working for us anymore
and we sleep much better
in our separate bedrooms
in the same house.
And I can keep my room cold,
how I like it.
Dad, you sound like you're gonna cry.
Sometimes you realize happily
ever after isn't for everyone.
- (CRYING)
- I don't think this is gonna work.
What you keep looking at, Peter?
Do you know about some terror?
No, no, relax. I'm-I'm just, uh,
just curious to see
what Quagmire's gonna be
wearing when he gets here.
(CHUCKLES) I think our outfits
are pretty much set, Pete.
Check it out, guys,
a piece of aviation history:
the cap Sully Sullenberger wore
when he landed in the Hudson River.
Whoa, that's his actual hat?
Yep. Want to smell Sully's sweat?
(SNIFFS) I don't smell anything.
That's right. 'Cause Sully never sweats.
Is this someone white people know?
I'm gonna get it signed
by the man himself.
Wait, Sully's alive?
And you're gonna show it to him?
Sure am. He's doing a signing tomorrow
at the airport bookstore.
Uh, hey, listen, I don't know
about this plan, Glenn.
Uh, nobody likes to see their old hats.
Hey, if you're gonna be at the airport,
could you pick me up a $45 neck pillow
I'll forget to pack for my next trip?
- I love this hat.
- You know, Quagmire,
I was gonna be at the airport
tomorrow anyway.
Why don't I take your hat
and get it signed for you?
Why are you going to the airport?
I want to hang out
with the boarding group B
cell phone holster guys.
It's mostly just standing around
and asking each other
if we're also in group B.
Do you also ask if group B
has boarded yet,
and "is this the line
for boarding group B?"
Yeah, you know it, Joe.
Are you a boarding group B guy?
(LAUGHS): Me? Oh.
No, no, no, no, no.
I, uh, I get on early with the babies.
Look, I'm already gonna be there,
so you should just give me the hat.
Yeah, thanks for the offer,
but I'm not passing up
a chance to meet my hero.
Is this the guy we're talking about?
Wow, I can't believe this.
Daryl Hannah,
it is an absolute pleasure.
- I loved you in Splash.
- No, Doctor, this is Stewie.
He needs you to help fix his face.
Oh, absolutely, I can do that.
Great. Is it a simple procedure?
Oh, sure. We just break
every bone in his face
and then smush 'em back into position.
Dr. Hartman, where'd you get
your medical degree from?
I went to BU.
You know our fight song, right?
Doy, doy, d-doy-doy,
doy, doy, doy, doy, doy, doy.
All right, Stewie. You ready?
Wow. Dr. Hartman really did a good job.
Yep. He told me bed rest
and ice packs for two days
so it can set, but I'm not
missing picture day.
Huh. You sure you shouldn't
listen to the doctor?
- Brian, I know what I'm doing.
- PHOTOGRAPHER: Next.
One, two, three.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, Tyler. Do you remember this?
I do, I do. We've come a long way.
We've come a lot of ways.
All right, Chris,
we got to stop Quagmire
from meeting Captain Sullenberger.
Only thing is, since 9/11,
you can't run in airports,
so we got to fat-guy
hustle-walk our way there.
Oh, no. We're too late.
We shouldn't have stopped
for that airport Toblerone.
We had to.
It's like European shark teeth.
Hold on, Sully's looking at the hat.
It is an honor to meet you, sir.
And it was an honor
to purchase the actual hat
you wore on that fateful day.
- You know, I'm a pilot myself.
- Oh, you are?
What's your record for longest "uh"?
- Eleven seconds.
- Let's hear it.
Folks, from the tower, uh
they've cleared us to push back,
we'll be departing shortly.
Hey, that's great.
My personal best is 34 sec
34 seconds in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
I know. The Tulsa Uh.
As I said, big fan.
Here you go.
Thank you, sir.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go back to my life
as the most famous Chesley
who's ever lived.
This is the greatest day of my life.
(SQUEALING)
- (LIQUID SPLATTERS)
- MAN: Ow, my smoothie.
MAN 2: Ow, mine,
too. I'm on the other side.
I can't believe it. Sully didn't
tell him the hat was fake.
Well, he's not that smart.
He did crash a plane.
Excuse me, uh, Captain Sullenberger,
I was just wondering why you pretended
that was your real hat just then.
- Well, Peter
- I never said my name.
when my plane was going down,
I remembered a famous saying
we have in aviation.
It goes, "Chesley is a perfectly
normal name for a person."
And what it means is, you
have to believe in yourself.
I didn't think I could land
my plane in the Hudson,
but I believed I could.
And that belief gave me
the courage to try.
So, if that man believes he has my hat,
maybe that'll make him
a little bit better husband
- Nope.
- Little better dad
- Nope.
- Little better sex character
who doesn't play as well
in the Me Too era.
Oh, so you do watch the show.
It's on, I-it's on a lot of planes.
All I know is, I didn't save 155 souls
on the Hudson
just to shatter dreams on land.
You know what? You're as good
a guy as they say.
Hey, why do they call this place
the Hudson News?
I assume it's because they're owned
- by the Hudson Brothers.
- Sully, no!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- (LAUGHTER)
- (TIRES SCREECH)
ANNOUNCER: It's the Hudson
Brothers Razzle Dazzle Show,
starring Bill, Mark and Brett,
the Hudson Brothers.
Well, Chris, I guess
we learned our lesson
about selling phony memorabilia.
Did we?
We never got caught
and we actually made some money.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Hey, hand me that stack
of Kobe jerseys and a Sharpie.
Guys, I just found Meg's ankle bracelet.
- So?
- Her foot's still in it.
(BEEPING)
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
(MEG GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
Hey, Meg? Where's your creek buddy?
You're not in any trouble,
you just need a creek buddy.
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)