Family Guy s19e15 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a Fam ily Guy!
(ALARM BEEPING)
(ALARM OFF)
(YAWNS)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Alexa, what's in the news this morning?
ALEXA: Here is your morning briefing.
In Washington, D. C.,
Congress has passed a measure
Alexa, skip to celebrity birthdays.
Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.
No way! Someone should tell his face.
I know, right?
(CHUCKLES): Seriously!
Okay, see you later, Alexa.
You're my best friend.
And you're you're awesome, Lois.
Best friends.
MEG (CALLING OUT): Hey, Mom,
my period started on the couch.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
You wanted to have a family,
you wanted this life.
My shoes are on the roof. Get 'em.
(CHILDREN'S SONG PLAYING ON TV)
- The driver on the bus peeks
- Come on, move your arm up.
- Up. Close your hand.
- Check his phone
- Okay, push it through. Good.
- Check his phone
- Just let me do it.
- The driver on the bus peeks
- Other arm. Almost done.
- Whoops, he hit a dog
Move your thumb. Move your thumb. Push.
- There. Done.
- The driver on the bus
Says, "Shut up, shut up, shut up
Let me think for a second."
(LOIS STRAINING)
Why did you do this?
If they didn't want us
to put our foot down there,
they shouldn't make it
a perfect fit for a toilet shoe.
- Who's "they"?
- Uh, Big Toilet?
"Big Toilet"? Is that a thing?
Shh!
MAN: Welcome back to
the Stuff You Should Just Spend
the Money On podcast.
Today's episode: "Expressing
Your Dog's Anal Glands."
MAN 2: Yeah, you really don't
want to DIY on the anal glands.
Just spend the money.
It can't cost more than,
- I don't know, 30 bucks.
- (BRIAN GRUNTS)
- MAN: $30 is three months of Netflix.
- (GRUNTS)
MAN 2: So don't watch
The Crown for three months.
- I like The Crown.
- MAN: What if I like The Crown?
- MAN 2: Watch it all in one weekend.
- (BOTH GRUNTING)
If you don't finish
a Netflix series in a weekend,
- that's on you.
- Lois, can we just
can we just kiss a little first?
You know what?
I think it's actually starting
to clear up on its own.
Whoa, Black Betty
Bam-a-I am, hey, Black Betty
Bam-a-I am!
- (HORN HONKS)
- (LOIS HONKS BACK)
Take a bite out of my ass,
you sack of dirt!
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Ah you made it.
Morning, Kyle, Lisa, Kyle H.
Morning, Lois.
What'll it be this morning? The usual?
Ah, you know it.
And with the morning I had,
better make it a large.
So the usual.
How are the muffins this morning, Lisa?
Oh, not the banana nut, 'cause
I know you're allergic to nuts.
(CHUCKLES): That's right, I am.
Good memory.
- Well, it's what makes you so unique.
- MAN: Hurry up!
You know, I always thought
that peanut allergies
just went away when you became an adult.
You know, like tonsils.
Tonsils go away, right?
I thought I read that.
What are tonsils?
Anyway, let me put in my card.
I got one with a chip on it.
It's like we're living in the Star Wars.
Okay, tip. I'll do cash.
Good, you heard me.
"Would you like to donate
a cup of coffee
to a soldier overseas?"
Yeah, that seems like a good cause.
MAN: Hey. Here's your free cup of coffee
- from a lady in Rhode Island.
- What?
Excuse me. Are you in line
for the bathroom?
- No.
- Oh.
Then move!
- (RATTLES DOORKNOB)
- Give me the key!
So, how was everybody's day?
- I made the football team
- Congratulations.
throw up because I put
cleaner in the Gatorade.
Still pretty good.
You know, the funniest thing
happened to me today.
I go to this coffee shop every morning,
and they do this fun thing
where every week
they choose a Customer of the Week.
It's just a silly thing,
which is why it's so fun.
Anyway, I've never been picked.
Which is fine.
- The thing is
- Oh, boy.
I'm friendly, I always tip,
I almost never say anything
when foreigners loudly FaceTime,
and in general,
I'm a pretty good person.
Right?
Yeah. I mean, you show little patience
for the handicapped at times,
but yeah.
Yeah, it just, it just feels like
it should probably be my time.
Well, maybe this'll be your week.
Oh, you think so?
I don't know. That-that felt like
the right thing to say, so I said it.
I do impulsive things.
That's how I ended up getting
Rod Stewart's hair.
Morning, luv.
Mind if I sing a tune into your vagina?
Everybody,
if we could have your attention,
we'd like to announce this
week's Customer of the Week.
Ah. I've never seen them
do it live. (CHUCKLES)
This must be what it feels like
to see Bruce.
This week's Customer of the Week is
Lester!
(SOBBING)
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
Hey, Bon, Wednesday Wisdom's live!
- Is it good?
- No.
It's great!
You know what I think
the problem is, Stewie?
I need to show them
that I deserve to be
Customer of the Week.
- You don't.
- Well, they probably
see a woman like me and think,
"She's got it all."
- They don't.
- I know it's a silly little award,
- but I don't ask for much.
- You do.
And this is the one place,
the one place that makes me feel happy.
You aren't.
I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
I-I feel like I really vibe
with everyone there.
- You don't.
- I'm one of their best customers.
You know, if I stopped showing up,
they'd probably wonder where I went.
- They wouldn't.
- Because I'm a nice person.
- You're not.
- I tip in cash.
- So?
- And I can't think of one reason
- why they wouldn't pick me.
- I can.
Oh, thanks for listening, Stewie.
- I had no choice.
- You know, I'm gonna show them
that I deserve to win this award.
I need this just like I needed
my own Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane.
- Next.
- Hi, Gil.
Uh, can I get
Pound of honey ham. Cut it thin.
Oh, excuse me, I believe I was next.
Step aside, lady.
Yeah, hi, Gil.
Can I try a piece of the pepper turkey?
Here you go. Anything else today?
Yeah, the coffee, and you know what?
I'll take that piece of artwork
for sale on the wall.
Really? That's my painting.
Wha? Is it?
You are very talented.
Well, how much do I owe you?
- $600.
- (CHOKES) $600?
Do you still want it?
Of course.
(QUIET GRUNT)
It's important to support local artists
by spending a year's worth of co-pays
on a painting of a (CHOKES, BELCHES)
(POUNDING COUNTER)
bridge.
A ladder and an apple.
A ladder and an apple! What a theme!
Can you split it on two debit cards?
I have a limit.
I can't really ring it
up on the register.
- It has to be cash.
- (CHOKES)
Perfect!
- By the way, I told you.
- Told me what?
I told you nobody
could tell I was drinking.
- No one cares.
- I care. I do.
Here, take this. Start recording
right before they say my name.
And hold it landscape, not portrait.
This is an important moment,
not a fast-food worker fight.
(QUIETLY): I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
What?
(LOUDLY): I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
Welcome, everybody.
This week's Customer of the Week is
Terry Newcustomer.
Wow, this is so unexpected,
because I'm such a new customer.
- Lois, should I stop recording?
- Oh, you got a text.
Oh, I clicked it.
Oh, it's Bonnie.
She's responding to you.
Oh, about me.
Oh, I'm reading the old texts.
Oh, I should stop.
Oh, but I can't.
Oh, you're unhappy.
Oh, who's Greg?
Oh, there's Greg.
All right, on three, everyone
say their favorite Spider-Man.
All right? One, two, three.
(SAYING DIFFERENT SPIDER-MAN
CHARACTERS AND ACTORS)
ALL BUT LOIS: What?!
(MEG, CHRIS, PETER,
BRIAN AND STEWIE ARGUING)
In fact, there'd be no superhero
movies without Tobey Maguire.
No way! Garfield never got a chance.
Is Affleck the best Batman?
No. But he had the best Batman body.
He'll be the first ex-Spider-Man
to win an Oscar.
Just 'cause it's in animation,
people think it's not legit.
(INDISTINCT ARGUING)
(OTHERS CONTINUE ARGUING)
I don't get it!
Wait, Spider-Man?
He's a guy with spider powers.
Can't I have one thing in my life?
Is that too much to ask?
What is it, do they hate me?
Because astrologically
I'm very compatible
with Kyle H. and Lisa.
I'm a Gemini and they're both Aquarius,
so we're natural matches!
Kyle is a Virgo,
which doesn't match with Gemini,
but they're supposed
to at least care about people!
What am I missing?
You know, Mom, if you
really want to get noticed,
you should save one of their lives.
- What?
- There was a kid at school
who got a whole page
in the yearbook dedicated to him
because he saved a kid
who had a peanut allergy.
Peanut allergy?
I have a peanut allergy.
Yeah. This kid accidentally ate
something with peanuts in it
and the other kid came over
and Pulp Fictioned him with an EpiPen.
Huh
I can't even touch peanuts.
That kid was a hero.
Hero
You flush it!
It scares me when it goes away.
Yes hero.
I'll be a hero,
and then they'll have
to make me Customer of the Week.
Why is this story
all about Mom this week?
What, are we giving Seth's voice a rest?
(ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF PLAYS)
Okay, I'll just pour
some of these Planters peanuts
into Lisa's car.
The official peanut
of poisoning people with allergies.
What? No, she's kidding!
Come on, look at me:
top hat, gloves, shoes,
no other clothes.
I'm a good guy!
Okay, now I wait
for her to get in her car
and start to have a reaction.
Then I'll swoop in
and save her with this EpiPen.
Then I'll be a lock
to be Customer of the Week.
Stewie, you okay back there?
Having fun playing with Mommy's phone?
Yup. I put the headphones up my nose,
but I made it work.
Okay, there she is.
She's walking to her car
she's getting out her keys
she's starting her car
driving away?
Damn it, I didn't put
enough peanuts in there.
Oh, shaving cream!
Ooh, shaving cream.
Oh
shaving cream.
Oh, good.
Oh, shaving cream.
Mom, why are we at the hospital
to visit your barista?
Chris, I promise
that if one of your baristas
ever gets into an accident,
I'll go to the hospital, too.
Okay. That's all I wanted to hear.
I've got a lot of baristas
who make questionable choices.
Hi, you must be Lisa's mother.
How's she doing?
Did she say what happened?
No, she's mostly just said
(GHASTLY MOANING)
Oh, that's not a good moan.
Well, apparently,
someone put peanuts in her car
and she's deathly allergic.
Oh, no.
Here are flowers.
STEWIE: She took those
from a guardrail memorial.
D-Do they have any leads on
who could have done it?
- No.
- Good. Grief!
"Good grief," is what
Charlie Brown would say here.
Peanuts. Probably
a poor choice of reference.
But they're going to check the
parking lot surveillance tape
to see who did.
Surveillance tape? Good grief!
Uh, who are you again?
I'm a a very good customer.
Oh, my God, I've got to go.
Exit stage left!
That was a very sad door to run in to.
What the hell? Lois?
LOIS: Put the phone down, Kyle H.
so then I start hearing people say
there are different levels
of peanut allergies
and I was like, "Levels?"
I mean, when I hear allergy,
I think rash,
not throat-close-car-crash.
Okay, well, I-I'm so glad
that we could talk about this
and that you understand
how we got to where we are.
So, are you gonna let me go?
Yes.
I mean, once I figure out
this whole kerfuffle.
Oh.
Why, are you scared, Kyle H.?
This isn't scary.
I'm a good person.
Now, there are two ways
we can go from here:
you can give me your absolute trust,
or I can get you hooked on heroin.
Heroin's not bad.
Not having heroin, that's what's bad.
Y-You can trust me. It's just
Just what?
I have a cat.
Someone needs to feed him.
(LONG INHALE)
Now, a bad person
would say "who cares" here.
But since I am a good person,
I will take care of your cat.
Now, open your mouth, I'm gonna stuff
my son's baseball sock in it.
What the hell? Who are you?
Oh, hello.
Um, hi, I'm Kyle H.'s cat-sitter.
He didn't tell me he had roommates
who could feed his cat for him.
Wait, why do you have his laser pointer
and Heisenberg keychain?
Yeah, his keychain flair is how
he expresses his quirkiness.
He must be in danger!
You can't leave us like this, lady.
Don't say "lady." It makes me feel old.
And why is everyone acting
like this is my fault?
If anything, it's Kyle H.'s fault.
I'm a good person.
People are gonna know we're gone.
- I promised my boyfriend that I'd
- Wait, you're gay?
- Yeah.
- You sound surprised.
I don't know,
you just don't present as gay.
Oh, so gays "present"?
No, no, no, that's not
What? I'm woke, okay?
- Is he your boyfriend?
- No, I'm not gay.
What? But you're roommates.
- So?
- So?!
And that's not weird?
I mean, do you have your own bathrooms?
- No.
- What, so you just walk around
like there's nothing potentially sexual?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean,
ever since he joined the gym,
he's really turned his body around.
But that's not what I'd be attracted to.
It's more sticking to
his commitment to get healthy.
- That's attractive.
- Aw, thank you, bro.
Mm, you're welcome, bro.
See, this!
I don't know.
I-I guess I'm not woke, okay?
Fine, you win with your gay stuff.
That's what you want, right? To win?
Here, drink whatever you
think a day's worth of water is.
Look, what I was trying to say is that
you can't leave us like this
because I promised my boyfriend
that I'd make a meal for
his grandmother's meal train.
If I don't drop it off, they're
gonna know something's wrong.
(LONG INHALE)
(EXHALES)
What are you supposed to make?
- Beef Wellington.
- What Beef Wellington?!
- For tonight?
- Yeah, why?
- Is that hard?
- Yes!
If you're starting
at 2:00 p. m., very! Yes!
Lois, have you seen the pooping iPad?
I can only go while watching Tiger King.
- Huh?
- The iPad we use only
while pooping and occasionally
on flights for Stewie.
Ew, I play Elmo's ABCs on that.
Is that why I keep getting pink eye?
I don't know where it is.
But it's definitely not in the shed.
So don't even look
back there in the shed.
What, you mean
the earwig fortress? No thanks.
I haven't been in there
since I won the Battle
of the Wheelbarrow.
Nyah-ha!
Too fast and too smart for you, earwigs.
Now, to continue clearing the yard
(MONOTONE): collecting
moisture and sleeping in wood.
Hey, Lois, what ever happened to
- that Customer of the Week thing?
- Th-the what?
The Customer of the Week
at the coffee shop.
Did you ever win?
Why? Why would you bring that up?
What are you, obsessed with it?
Uh, you
You had been talking about it
Oh, so you can hear me when I say that,
but can't hear me
when I say "get off the couch."
I like to be up by people.
May I be excused to
(MONOTONE): bring this plate
of moisture to the crawl space?
Yeah, for the record,
I would rather drink a sinus infection
than win that stupid award.
It's all rigged anyway.
Did you know that Lester lived
in the same building as Lisa?
How is that fair, huh?
God, what a boring thing
to bring up at dinner, Brian.
I'm going to the sunroom,
and that's where I'll be from
9:00 to 11:00 if anyone asks.
No one come check on me.
You guys want to play spin
the bottle for finger stuff?
Crank this night up a notch?
I'm in.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
In local news, two roommates were found
bound and gagged in
their apartment this morning
in what they're calling,
"The Cat-Sitter Tie-er Upper."
Guys, we need to get better
name-comer-upper-withers.
(SIRENS WAIL FAINTLY)
Okay.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
Lois?
I'm just finishing the dishes.
I'm a good person, Joe.
Sometimes good people
do bad things, Lois.
You can finish the dishes.
Then I gotta take you in.
You can't take her away, Joe!
(WHISPERING)
And you can put in one load of laundry.
Then I gotta take you in.
(WHISPERING)
After that, you can write
down the Wi-Fi log-in.
Then I gotta take you in.
(WHISPERING)
Where's the peanut butter?
(WHISPERING)
Well, Peter, I think
the main difference is
Chinese people are from China
and Japanese people are from Japan.
(WHISPERING)
Yes, that's probably why you
were banned from the restaurant.
Good morning.
Ah, what a charming place this is.
Oh, look, you do a Customer of the Week.
How cute.
Now, I'll take a Nitro Cold Brew.
And with the morning I've had,
better make it a large.
Hey, that's funny.
Yeah, I know.
There you go.
And there you go.
Well, you could have said thank you.
Don't see a lot of
five dollar bills in there.
I must be a pretty good person
to give a five.