American Dad s20e01 Episode Script

1
Okay, Hayley,
you understand what we're doing right?
Not at all. I am super confused.
Me, too. Could you sum it up, Mother?
Your aunt Gwen and I haven't
spoken since she got out of jail.
For a crime you committed.
It was just arson, Steve.
Focus on your banana.
And I'm pretending this candle
is a cup of coffee. Why?
Because your space work is garbage.
And your grandfather convinced
Gwen to finally meet me for coffee.
Because you really want
to patch things up with her.
Very good, Steve.
You may help yourself to another banana.
Later.
You sure this is a good idea, Mom?
Getting back together after so
many years could be a disaster.
Yeah,
and that's why I need you
to role play as Gwen.
Got it.
Hey, Gwen.
So nice to see you
You rotten son of a gun!
I'll kill you for what
you've done to me.
[CHOKING] Hayley, come on.
Nobody in our family sounds like that.
We're out of 'nanners, Francine.
You rotten son of a gun! I'll kill you
for what you've done to me!
Enough! Let's keep going, Hayley.
I don't want to be caught
off-guard by anything.
[STUTTERING] Pregnant?
Um
You rotten son of a gun! I'll kill you!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Dang, it's hot out there.
I saw a desert tortoise drinking
a Powerade outside a gas station.
Could have been a human
with a big backpack.
[GUNSHOTS]
[STAN] Oh, yeah! Check it out!
Stay on target.
Very sigma, Smith.
Your marksmanship skills are top notch.
Perhaps I'll have you
decide which weapon
the CIA uses as their go-to
firearm for the next ten years.
Are you serious, sir?
Colt. Remington, Beretta
I'm a gun nut. I'm also a nut nut,
Brazzlenuts, plecahns or pleecans,
if you say it that way, I know 'em all.
Terrific.
Of course,
there is another up for the position.
[GUNSHOTS]
This is the zombie The
Cranberries sang about.
Sheesh!
It's warmer outside than my grandma.
Such a loving woman.
Always ready to share a
Werther's right from her mouth.
Gross.
But we can all agree it's sweltering.
I made a huge mistake
filling in my swimming pool
and turning it into a pickleball court.
I hate that game!
Um, sir, why don't you come over
this weekend and use my pool?
- Me, too.
- Can we all come?
Please?
A pool party.
Or as they say in England
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] A bath splash!
What do you say, Smith?
[BRITISH ACCENT]
Chip-chip-cheerio, guvna.
I don't speak Spanish.
Is that a yes or a no?
- [BELL RINGS]
-
[WHISPERING]
Sorry to interrupt, but I've been
sitting next to you all year,
and I've fallen headfirst
in love with you.
Which one of us?
I'm not picky.
Get lost.
Dude, you're not gonna believe this.
Your ex-girlfriend Debbie
broke up with the math teacher!
Poor Mr. Kronauer!
Right after his back surgery.
He must be devastated.
Steve, you're missing the point.
Debbie is avail.
Do you really think I have a shot?
Well, the reason she broke up with Mr. K
was because he didn't have a pool.
I have a pool!
That's what I've been
saying the whole time!
And she was pregnant!
But I handled it pretty cool.
- Really?
- No!
When she agreed to meet,
I thought we would patch things up.
Plus, with the pregnancy,
I was hoping we'd have a fresh start.
You know how having a baby
always saves the relationship?
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh, yeah, famously true.
But I panicked.
And now she probably never
wants to talk to me again.
Enough! You're probably wondering
why I gathered you all here.
I didn't even know you were home.
Well, wonder no more.
I've decided to have a pool party.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Oh, hell, no.
I'm not in the mood for a party.
- I'm exhausted
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
[EXCLAIMING] It's Gwen!
What should I do?
Should I play it cool?
I should probably play it cool.
New number. Who this?
JK. I know who this is.
My sister [BANGING]
Damn, she's nailing it.
I took out the trash
without being asked.
Nice work, babe.
But you left an hour ago.
Did you get lost again?
No, I met a rat out there.
I put it on my head to
see if it was Ratatouille,
but all I did was make me steal a car.
Guys, I need this pool party.
- Me too!
- Me three!
Uncle Roger just had
rectum reconstruction.
Fully elective surgery, not medically
necessary, just for aesthetics.
And he can't wait to share his new
colon and anus with the hole world.
That's hole, h-o-l-e.
That's what us Internet sphincter heads
call our disgusting online community.
But how are you all gonna
convince Mom to have a pool party?
We're having a pool party!
Gwen's eight months pregnant and
super uncomfortable in the heat.
All she wants is to sit in a pool.
Our family pube-shaving razor
is about to get a workout
'cause the Smiths are
having a pool party.
I, I, I, I-I've been runnin'
through this strange life ♪
Chasin' all them green lights ♪
Throwin' off the shade for
a little bit of sunshine ♪
Hit me with them good vibes ♪
Pictures on my phone
live Everything ♪
This is gonna be a perfect day.
Franny, I can't find
my uncle Roger mustache.
I need it to be Uncle Roger.
So be someone else.
What? Uncle Roger has a new rectum,
and it's the same color as his mustache.
Shower curtain matches the drain.
You gotta help me find that stash.
- No.
- Klaus, you're up.
What? No, I have a million limes to cut.
We've got the balloons,
taco guy going,
drinks on ice, dead rat in the pool,
fruit salads
Rat in the pool?
[SCREAMING] Stan!
There's a dead rat in the pool!
[ALL] Eww!
[GASPING] We have to cancel the party.
[ALL EXCLAIMING] No!
That pool's infected!
It's dangerous.
It's just one rat.
Rats carry diseases.
I'm not letting my pregnant
sister into that pool.
No party.
[BULLOCK] What a party!
A taco guy!
Smith, you made it so!
Is that a dead rat?
No, it's a balloon.
But I can make it a rat.
[STRETCHING]
There you go, kid.
[CRYING]
Sorry, everybody, bad news.
If you hate great tacos!
Go get some, you beautiful jackasses.
Family huddle!
Sorry, Stan, but we can't do this.
I'm trying to reunite with my sister,
not kill her unborn child.
The only way we can have this party
is if no one goes in the pool.
Steve, sub huddle!
This is crazy!
A pool party with no pool?
But if anybody goes in, your mom is gonna
freak out and ruin everything for us.
[COUGHS] Sorry, I have Covid.
I guess we just have
to go along with it.
No one goes in the pool.
Nice two-tiered huddle, Smiths.
But it's hot as Jackson's
grandma out here
and we want to get wet.
Whoa!
You can't just go right in the pool.
Shouldn't we get to
know each other first?
We already know each other.
We work together.
Oh yeah? Dick,
where did Jackson go to prep school?
Jackson, did you go to prep school?
Ah, yeah.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Everyone gather around and
let's get to know each other.
Let's start with something basic.
What's everyone's
favorite Dane Cook bit?
Where the hell is it?
Why don't you just grab
a different mustache?
Well, I do have another one
from another persona.
His name is Ned Flanders.
He lives in another state that
I can't say for some reason.
It's Michigan. There, I said it.
[SCREAMS] But I can't use that one!
It has to be Uncle Rogers!
Don't have a cow, man.
[SOBBING] And that was the
last time I saw my dad.
Anyway, back to the question
that set this all off.
I guess if I could be any vegetable,
I'd want to be a carrot.
Is purple carrot still up for grabs?
So all of my agents want to be carrots?
This is great to know!
[DEBBIE] Steve!
Debbie! You made it.
Deb-head. Little Deb-l-doo-ya.
YabaDebadeb.
Remember that?
[SIGHS] Yes.
But the pool is looking
better than ever.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] The pool?
Sure, it looks great.
But you don't start
with the main course.
You need a little aquatic antipasti.
I just want to cool off.
Great idea.
Grab an end.
It's covered in spider webs.
The spiders know what's up.
Let me give you the grand tour.
Right over here,
you got your spinny things.
They're a little gunked up with sand,
but you can force 'em.
Scoop up some water. Dump it out.
Bada bing, bada boom.
And don't forget about this cool
ass boat.
Time to hit the pool.
The board shorts were only
a little bit up my butt.
Let's go [GASPING]
Ow Why did you do that?
Pool party punch.
Very good, but in I go.
But not before we have
a water gun fight!
I know guns.
But we don't have any water guns.
Sure we do.
I'm gonna get ya!
[GUN FIRING]
Jeez, Franny, what are you doing?
Just having a little fun in the sun.
Keep everyone out of the pool.
Eh? No one goes in.
Of course. It's a pool party.
I was kind of hoping to go swimming.
Right! But I'm so excited to be an aunt,
I just wanted to start right away!
- Hey, mama!
- [SCREAMING]
I'm ant Francine!
Do you love it?
[ROGER] Damn it!
Where the hell is my mustache?
Ignore that. We have an Encanto house.
Gwen, it's important to me
that we put the past behind us
and bond again as sisters.
Me too.
So, uh, elephant in the room not you!
Is there a father?
Remember that dorky guy who had a
crush on me all through high school?
- Brett McMannan?
- Yeah.
I slept with some rando
in front of his house.
This is mid.
You know, Steve,
if we're not going into the pool
Well, I kind of promised
my mom I wouldn't.
I don't see her around anywhere.
She's up in her room.
She could easily look out and then
Oh, thank God,
she's turned into some Kafka-esque bug.
Let's get in that pool and
I'll show you my butterfly.
I call it Peanut.
It? Do you think it's not human?
This has been great, but I just want
to go swimming with everybody else.
Nobody wants to go in the pool Gwen,
you're the only one.
You're being weird.
I'm being weird?
[WATER SPLASHING]
The seal is broken.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[GULPS]
Stan, help me get everybody
out of the pool.
Okay, okay.
I'll see if I can splash them out
With a cannonball!
[WATER SPLASHING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Woo hoo! We're in! C'mon, c'mon!
This way! Let's get the heart!
[GNAWING]
[HEART BEATING]
Now the brain!
[ALL SHOUTING] Brains!
Uh, guys, if we kill this dude,
we'll end up dying, too.
[ALL] Brains!
Well, I tried.
[SHOUTING] Brains!
[ALL] Francine!
Francine!
[GWEN] Francine!
Francine!
[FRANCINE] Peanut!
Gwen! Get out of the pool!
No way!
This pool is not just cooling me off.
It's reminding me how much
I need you in my life.
[SCREAMING] Shark!
What do I do? I'm never gonna get
them out of that filthy water.
Filthy water
[ALL LAUGHING]
[WATER SPLASHING]
- [BULLOCK] Brilliant!
- [HAYLEY] Woo, Mom!
This jet feels great on my ding dong.
I didn't know ants are water bugs.
[LAUGHING]
[STRAINING]
[LAUGHING]
[STRAINING]
[LAUGHING]
God, you're funny,
Gwen, I've missed you.
Promise me you won't let
anything come between us again.
Francine, what could possibly
come between us?
[JEFF] Doooodeeeee!
There's a poop in the pool!
Everybody out.
[PEOPLE CLAMORING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
Sir, I am so sorry.
I don't know how this happened.
Well, I have a theory.
It came out of someone's butt.
Yes, well, I hope this has no bearing
on my position as "pistol picker".
I also picked that name.
Smith, I don't blame you for this.
This party has been the jam,
and now it's ruined by
some incontinent twit.
I hate you!
Avery, I'm sure it was an accident.
I mean, obviously,
no one's going back in the pool,
but we still have plenty of tacos.
And the ant mask?
No one has to leave.
Oh, no one's leaving, my dear.
Oh, good!
Let me explain.
No one is leaving this
house until we find out,
who the party pooper is.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
We need to find out who fouled up
that pool and our good time.
Now, who did it?
I need a name.
And then I need someone to point
to that person discreetly because
I haven't taken the time
to learn everyone's names.
Avery, whoever did it
probably feels terrible.
That should be punishment enough.
No, Francine. Bullock's right!
And handsome as usual.
We need to find this guy.
[TACO GUY] Yeah,
let's find him and tip the taco guy!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES]
On second thought, everybody poops.
I read a book about it!
I'm ready to forgive and go to bed!
Look at the time! Good night, y'all!
- Stan did it.
- What?
He's done it before.
Years ago, at Buckle's pool party.
It was a big deal on the Internet
before things were a big
deal on the Internet.
It wasn't me! You're just saying that
because you want to be
the "pistol picker"!
I am not.
And it's "emissary of weaponry".
Oh! That's a better name.
[GASPS] Oh! Duper did it.
I didn't do it! Maybe it was her.
I don't know her.
- Me?
- Debbie?
She hasn't pooped a day in her life.
That's not technically true.
She admits it.
I can't believe someone did this.
Eh. One of the kids
probably had an accident.
I should get used to that
with Peanut on the way.
- Oh, yeah.
- But on the other hand,
if they were an adult and they
did it on purpose or something,
that would be a different story.
A story where I end up back
in prison for what I did to them.
Um
I'm thinking with this heat,
you should go.
You're gonna end up
with a roasted peanut.
No one leaves until we
find out who did this!
Now, before we start the interrogation,
can someone get that
dookie out of the pool?
I can feel it floating over there,
taunting me,
Daring me to find its owner,
waiting for me to
Urgh, I'll get it.
Ever the hostess.
Now let's get to it!
To the tree house!
How important is toilet paper to you?
I haven't had a bowel movement
outside my house in 15 years.
No, I don't owe anyone out there money.
And I don't think it was
an act of revenge.
I did it! I admit it!
Jeffrey, why did you poop in the pool?
Poop?
I thought we were talking about pee.
I peed in there, like, five times.
I always do!
I assure you it was not my baby.
Its waste is eliminated
by my own system.
Women are miracles.
Does public defecation
get you horned up?
Well, how do we know you didn't do it?
Old man like you can't
control his sphincter anymore.
Charming.
But it wasn't me.
Old man like you, bad memory.
Maybe you forgot.
[WHISPERING] What were you thinking?
I didn't want anyone in that rat-infested
pool, so I did what I had to doodoo.
You think Bullock is gonna choose me if
he finds out my wife crapped in the pool?
It's bad plopticks.
See, I can do wordplay, too.
He's back.
And I've narrowed it
down to two suspects.
Dick, whose name is a swear and
has every motive to keep Stan
from becoming "gun guy"!
I didn't do it!
Whoever denied it, supplied it!
I couldn't agree more!
Why?
Because it was actually you, Francine,
my other suspect.
Me?
When I asked for the feces
to be removed from the pool,
you rushed to the job.
But no one wants to clean up
other people's excrement,
but your own
one of life's great pleasures.
Whoever mopped it, plopped it!
It was my pool.
Hey, wait!
It did show up right after she dove in.
- That doesn't mean
- [TACO GUY] She's crazy.
She was running around in an ant mask!
We should all tip the taco guy.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay. The truth is
It was me.
- I poopoo'd in the pool.
- [CROWD GASPING]
Oh, thank God it wasn't Jeff.
Seriously?
I don't know what happened.
I guess I'm so relaxed around you,
it just slid out.
It's actually kind of romantic,
if you think about it.
You're my laxative, baby.
You are disgusting.
Well, called it. Kids are gross.
Yeah, but they're pretty great, too.
Let's do this again, but not this.
I'd love that.
Another poolside mystery
solved by Bullock.
And while I have you at your best,
let me run this by you.
I've always used the Beretta M9,
but I'm recommending
we all change to the Glock 19.
- Hey, that's what I use!
- Me, too!
All right! No change!
- [ALL CHEERING]
- [GUNSHOTS]
That was amazing, Steve.
Sacrificing your girlfriend
for your mom. Wow.
Well, I couldn't let you
lose your sister again.
Thank you.
Just one question.
How did you
Know it was yours?
Well, I passed it
rushing out of the pool.
What can I say?
I've been smelling that smell
for the last 14 years, Momma.
That was all you.
[TEARY] Oh Steve!
Weeee! These ants think I'm their queen.
They're so dumb!
Oh, God,
they're taking me into their hole!
Whoa!
[JEFF MUFFLED] They got a
taco guy down here, too!
It's gone. The mustache is gone.
Goodbye Uncle Roger, we hardly knew ye.
Sorry, Roger.
I guess I'm gonna go now
because it's party time.
Party's over. Pool poop.
And I missed it? Oh, damn it!
I'm gonna go full Ricky
Spanish on Tuttle's book club.
- [WHISPERS] Ricky Span
- [ROGER] Shut up.
Thanks, Rogu.
For what?
Found it.
Five money.
Wait. You paid Rogu 5 money
to hide Roger's mustache?
We had to keep him away.
He was gonna show
everyone his dirt locker.
He would've ruined the party.
Sounds like it was still ruined.
It mostly worked out. Don't know
if we'll ever see Jeff again, though.
Bye. Have a beautiful day.