Live at The Apollo (2004) s20e01 Episode Script
Josh Widdicombe, Andrew Mensah, Harriet Kemsley
1
# Go!
Oh, yeah ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight, Josh Widdicombe!
- # Children playing, having fun
- Having fun
# It's the season, love and
understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone. ♪
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING
Yes! I am, I'm a big Christmas fan.
I'm a big Christmas fan.
There's places you have to draw
the line.
Have we got any of thethese
grown-ups in the room
that have the chocolate advent
calendars?
CHEERING
Pathetic.
LAUGHTER
I've got a friend. He's 34.
He had the chocolate
advent calendar last year.
He said to me, "Oh, I finished it
by December the 3rd,
"I got overexcited."
You're 34! You can afford a Twix!
Have yourself a Lion bar! You're
earning!
But now you get these grown-up advent
calendars.
Have you seen this? You've got the
gin advent calendar!
CHEERING
By December the 3rd,
you've lost your job.
What a way to cover up a problem
that is!
No, I'm not an alcoholic.
I've just got the gin advent
calendar!
I'm not a drug addict.
I've just got the MDMA advent
calendar!
Celebrating the birth of Jesusby
dancing from 7am.
There's the pets' advent calendar.
Have you seen this?
Just to be clear, that
is an advent calendar for your pet.
It's not a different pet each day.
By Christmas Eve, your house looks
like Doctor Dolittle's.
No, my friend, they got
an advent calendar for their dog.
It's a dog. They couldn't give a
shit!
Dogs don't celebrate religious
festivals!
"Do you want a Bonio?"
"Oh, no. Sorry, mate. It's Ramadan."
My friend told me there's such
a thing as
the sex toys advent calendar!
CHEERING
No! At that time in the morning, no,
thank you very much!
What if you go away for a few days?
You have to do one of those catch-up
mornings.
First day back at work. "Sorry I'm
late.
"You wouldn't believe the morning
I've just had.
"Let's just say it was festive!"
The worst advent calendar I ever
got
I don't want to make this too bleak,
but one year,
when I was a kid, my mum got me the,
um
..non-chocolate, just picture,
advent calendar.
CROWD GROANS
Hello? Is that Childline?
Yeah. "Prick up your ears", I said.
"You're not going to believe this
one."
No child wants that! No child's going
to school,
"What did you get?" "Chocolate."
"Unlucky. I got a painting of a
shepherd."
Do you know what's never happened?
No child has ever got to December the
3rd
and opened all the pictures
on their advent calendar.
Oh, once you've seen one picture
of a pregnant woman on a donkey,
you can't stop yourself, mate!
The chocolate advent calendars
for grown-ups
You get these people, though.
I had a meeting with my accountant
the other day.
50-year-old man in a suit, right.
In the space of an hour,
he had two hot chocolates.
50-year-old man in a suit! Sorry,
are you the child from Big?
His assistant came in and said, "What
do you want?"
He said, "I'll have a hot chocolate."
He said to me, "Do you want one
as well?"
I said, "No. No, because last time I
checked, this was
"a business meeting, not a fireworks
display."
"Yeah. Go on, I'll have a toffee
apple as well.
"Let's enjoy ourselves."
It's very exciting, Christmas.
I like to get all the deliveries.
Very excited with the Christmas
deliveries.
Having stuff delivered has changed
now. We're aware of this?
I don't know when we made this deal.
The deal has changed.
It used to be - in exchange for a
parcel, I sign my name.
But now the rules have changed,
haven't they?
Now the rule is in exchange for them
giving me a parcel,
they get to take one photograph
of my feet!
"Did you just pat my feet? I don't
know what's going on here!"
They go, "Yeah, that's how we
recognise you."
I haven't got particularly
recognisable feet!
I'd say of the people on
The Last Leg,
I've got the least recognisable feet.
Yeah, that's right. Start by clapping
the disability joke.
I've found your level.
I'm going to get a farmhouse door.
That's what I'm going to get.
That'll show them. Just answer the
door,
"What are you going to do now?"
I don't know if any of you are foot
fetishists.
I've got a problem. I'm not here to
kink shame you.
What I'll say, get a job for DPD,
mate.
You go home with that little camera,
there's 600 feet on there!
You'll be red raw by morning.
This isn't the first Christmas TV
show I've done. Last year
I don't know if you're aware of this.
..I did
the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas
Special.
CHEERING
I don't know if you saw it.
I got a ten from Anton Du Beke.
Is he the toughest judge? Yes, he is.
Don't look it up, all right?
I had the lowest moment of my career
on
the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas
Special,
which was basicallywe all had
to meet up to do the dance, to
learn this group dance, right?
And we all got there, rightand all
the dancers.
And we started learning the dance,
and I was the worst of all
the celebrities. And all the dancers,
to be fair. I was the worst.
And I was like, "This isn't how it
was meant to play out."
I thought I was
I thought I'd be middle
because I thought I was like,
"There's always, like, a shit
middle-aged bloke
"like Adrian Chiles. Where is he?!"
And then I thought, "Oh, fuck."
"I'm Adrian Chiles. I'm
the shit middle-aged bloke."
But that's the age I've reached.
Like, I've reached the age
where I went to the optician
recently, right
This was a low moment, right.
I did the eye test. She said, "Your
glasses are fine."
And then she said, I couldn't believe
this,
she said, "Just a little tip.
"Have you considered
"going for a bigger font on your
phone?"
A bigger font I said, "No, I
haven't,
"because I'm not 900 years old."
She might as well have gone,
"Here's a little tip.
"Have you considered
"dragging your belongings
in a tartan trolley?"
Because have you seen these old
pricks with
the big font on their phone, reading
a text message like that?!
One letter a line, like it's the OXO
Tower.
The only thing you can see from space
are my grandad's texts.
That's the only thing you can see
from space.
That's the oldest person thing you
can do on a phone,
apart from having your phone
in a leather book-like case.
And then not knowing why when you're
taking a photo,
you can't see because you've folded
it around.
Disabled people and old people!
You've got a real taste
for who you hate, haven't you?
"Have you considered going
for a bigger font on your phone?"
She might as well have said,
"Here's a little tip.
"Have you considered putting a
handkerchief
"up your sleeve and getting it out
every half an hour
"and blowing your nose
"louder than anyone's
ever blown their nose,
"and then putting it back
up your sleeve?
"And then once a day, getting it out
and rubbing a child's face with it."
That's what old people do.
What, we're blaming the bat for
Covid? Really?!
Also, it's a lazy optician, isn't it?
"Yeah. That's your glasses fine.
No, no, yeah.
"Just go bigger font on your phone."
That's your job! She might as well
have gone,
"Hey, can't you just stand nearer
to things?
"Come on, mate. Meet me halfway."
The other one she offered me I was
livid. It was a sunny day.
I turned up in sunglasses.
She said, "Are they prescription?"
I said, "Yes." She said, "Oh, here's
a tip, right. Have you considered
"getting these glasses, right,
that respond to the light?"
And I said, "No, no."
Because if you aren't aware of these
glasses, they are brilliant, right?
The way they work is when it's a
winter's day,
they look like normal glasses.
And then when it's bright sunlight,
you look like a paedophile.
That's how it works. Oh, they change
just one little bit.
Just enough so that no-one stands
near you on the bus. That's it.
Do not wear a long coat on a sunny
day. That's how it works.
You watch a lot of cosy TV at
Christmas.
I did a show called Who Do You Think
You Are?
If you aren't aware of this show,
you basically research your family
tree, right. And it's very exciting
because you don't know
where you're going to go.
And I phoned my agent beforehand and
I was like, "Where am I going to go?"
She said, "I can't tell you.
I can't tell you." She said,
"But if Just a quick question. If,
hypothetically, you were filming
"in Luton, would you want to stay
over?"
And I've stayed in some bad places.
I stayed in a motorway services hotel
recently.
I don't know if you've stayed
in one of these places.
My main issue with it is the people
that work there,
they don't seem to be aware of
where they work.
I turned up at 11pm at this motorway
service station hotel
at Fleet services, right.
I turned up and I said, "I've got
a room booked under Josh Widdicombe."
And he said, "How many nights is it
for?"
What, at a motorway services? How
many do you think?
Do you think I'll get everything
done in a week?
I was planning on staying
for five nights!
There's just so much to enjoy here!
Because tomorrow morning, I was
planning on buying
a mobile phone case next to a toilet.
That's how I'm going to start my day.
Then I'm going to use two fruit
machines behind
a velvet rope that you're calling a
casino.
And then I'm going to get
in Thomas the Tank Engine's van
and do that for an hour.
I've seen this place, they had
It was a downstairs hotel.
Have you ever stayed
in a downstairs hotel room next to
a car park?
Do not do what I do - get out of the
shower,
open the curtains. You are basically
dogging.
They had an iron in there. An iron!
I've never seen this before.
It had no features. It's just a piece
of iron with a handle.
I was like, "Where have I seen this?"
The answer, Monopoly.
I don't want loads of features on
an iron. I just want a dial
..whatever I'm ironing, I'm turning
up full blast.
If it's delicate, I'm just moving
the iron faster,
let's be honest with you. And I want
a button
that fires out steam and occasionally
for no reason,
cocaine.
That's always a weird moment, isn't
it? "Whoa! Have I got
"Pete Doherty's iron? What's going on
here?"
But they don't know where they work.
This guy,
the second question He said, "How
many nights are you staying for?"
And I said, "One." And he said then,
he said,
"And I'm going to need your number
plate, if you've driven."
If you've driven?! To the Fleet
services?
"No. I got the train to Redding
"and then walked down the central
reservation,
"thank you very much.
"I just read such good reviews of the
place!
"I've walked past 25 hotels to get
here!"
I did Who Do You Think You Are?
Watch it this Christmas.
It's a great episode. They said it
was a good episode.
I stand by it. It is the closest
they've ever had to This was the
words of the producer,
off camera. "It is the closest run
we've ever
"had to a proper royal
since Alexander Armstrong."
But in his words, "He doesn't count,
because he's already posh as fuck."
It turned out I'm the 15 times
great-grandson
..of Henry VIII.
- AUDIENCE:
- Ooh!
Yeah, Henry the M-F-ing eighth.
You're impressed now,
aren't you?
I'll tell you what.
Since that news has come out,
my wife's upped her game.
But I said to her, "It's not you
that needs to be worried.
"It's my second,
fourth and fifth wives
"that need to be
shitting themselves."
But this is what they said to me.
They said, "You're related to
Henry VIII."
I was like, "Wow."
The next question baffled me.
They said,
"You're related to Henry VIII."
I said, "Wow." And then they said,
"Did you ever suspect?"
"Well, there was that time
I ate a whole grouse, yes.
"And there was that weekend
"I started my own branch
of Christianity.
"That was a weird one.
"Do you know what?
Whenever I went to Burger King
"and put on that cardboard crown,
I did feel like me."
And then they said
And then they said,
"Here's a little fact.
"If the right 374 people died"
And I thought,
"This is a bleak fact."
They said, "If the right 374 people
died, you would be King."
And I said, "No.
If the right 374 people died,
"I would be the prime suspect
in a murder inquiry."
But I'm proud of it. Henry VIII.
And then it turns out people
don't like Henry VIII.
People think he's a shit.
And I'm like, "You can't do that.
He's family, mate.
- "I
- can slag him off.
You can't slag off my family."
He's the best Henry.
Apart from Henry the Hoover,
I'll give you that.
What a reveal that would have been.
"Here's your granddad.
Do you recognise this noise?"
JOSH VOCALISES HOOVER SUCKING
But Christmas is about kids.
I've got young kids.
I've got seven and four.
That's what Christmas is about.
And being a kid has changed
since I was a kid.
Like, the terminology has changed.
When I was a kid, it was called
"going to play at a friend's house,"
"going round a mate's house."
Now they've changed it to,
"play dates."
Do you want a play date?
I'm going to say it.
It's too sexual as a terminology
for my taste.
The first time I heard that,
one of the mums came up
to me outside nursery,
she said, "Are you Josh?"
I said, "Yeah."
She said, "Do you fancy
a play date on Saturday?"
I was like, "Here we bloody go!"
"The big man's back in town.
"Henry VIII's genes run strong
in this one."
"Yeah. Why not? Yeah."
She was like,
"I was thinking 10am."
I was thinking,
"A bit early for my tastes."
Well, you've got to get through
that sex toys advent calendar
somehow, haven't you?
She said, "If it's a nice day,
we could go out in the garden."
Absolutely not.
I still You go to kids' parties.
The kids at kids' parties
are obsessed with party bags.
It was my daughter's birthday, right?
They're still the same, party bags.
Still the same.
A kid came up to me and said,
ten minutes in,
"When do the party bags come out?"
Like he was going,
"Have you got any coke?"
"Just fire up the iron.
You'll find some, right?"
He said, "When do the
party bags come out?"
And I said, "You can have a party bag
when you leave."
And he said, "Can I go now?"
Still the same, the party bag.
Still all the same stuff in it -
the polystyrene plane
that goes nowhere,
the Chupachups that
you need a blowtorch to unwrap,
a slice of cake that has
been completely fucked
by the napkin wrapped around it
"Oh, you enjoyed the icing, did you?
"Well, you're not getting
any more of that, mate.
"Just enjoy the shit sponge inside.
There you go."
..temporary tattoos that last
longer than actual tattoos.
My daughter had a unicorn
on her forehead for six weeks.
Have you ever put them on yourself?
My kids put them on me
and then I'm stuck with it.
and then I take my jacket off
and people go,
"I didn't know you have a tattoo."
You taking the piss?
"Yeah, I just love
Stegosauruses, actually, yeah.
"Yeah, I'm a huge fan of diggers,
so I got inked."
They're boozy as well, these kids'
parties, they're boozy.
The adults Just to be clear,
the adults, not the kids.
I turned up at one at 11:30am
and the mum answered the door,
she said, "I've already
had half a bottle of Prosecco.
"Football Focus hasn't even started."
She said, "Well, how else
are you going to look after 20 kids?"
You're like,
"That's not how it works, mate."
I don't know if you've ever
done pick-up from school.
Very rarely does the teacher
come out and go,
"I've had six pints
at lunchtime, mate.
"How else am I going to
look after them?
"They're all here, aren't they?
"Well, there's more
than this morning, if anything."
I've stopped drinking as well, so
And there's no respect.
I turned up at one
of these parties, I said,
"Have you got
anything non-alcoholic?"
And she said
"Well, I can try and find something."
At a six-year-old's birthday party!
And then she went off
and got a Robinsons Fruit Shoot.
Have you ever drunk a
Fruit Shoot as an adult?
It is gone in 0.7 of a second.
She said, "Well,
do you want another one?"
I was like, "I'm not going to nail
through all the kids' Fruit Shoots!
Parched kids running around me going,
"Sorry, I had 16 Fruit Shoots."
Because you get no respect,
you get no respect
when you stop drinking.
I tried to stop.
I went to a meal with my wife
and she said,
"I'm going to have a cocktail."
I thought, I'll have
a non-alcoholic cocktail," right?
"I'll have a non-alcoholic cocktail."
And I said to the waiter, "Where
are the non-alcoholic cocktails?"
He said, "Well,
here is our normal cocktails.
"And on this page,
here's our virgin cocktails."
I went, "What are you
calling them, sorry?"
"Virgin cocktails."
As if you're not insecure enough.
"Here's your pathetic
little virgin cocktails
"for people that don't
have sex, yeah.
"And here's your cocktails for proper
shaggers that can enjoy drinking.
"You're pathetic. What have we got?
We've got Sex On The Beach.
"That's what we've got.
What have you got?
"Wanking At Home Alone.
That's what your cocktail's called."
You are a lovely audience.
Are you ready for your first act?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, let's bring them on.
Please welcome to the stage
the incredible Andrew Mensah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ANDREW: Yeah!
WHISTLING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Thanks.
Yes. Merry Christmas, Apollo.
Are we well?
CHEERING
It's great to be here.
Don't worry, guys, I know.
Yeah, I look like a pint of Guinness.
It's very, very bad.
Don't worry.
It's very rare.
I look like I've been left out
in the Christmas snow for too long.
I haven't really
dressed very festive, you know,
I kind of look like, um,
a bad guy in a Christmas movie.
That's kind of my attire today.
Home Alone In Croydon.
That's what I'm calling it.
You see me in a chimney,
you in trouble, boy.
You know what I mean?
Guys be dreaming
of a black Christmas.
That's how we call it.
D'you know what I mean?
But nah, Christmas time always
reminds me of how mad life can be
cos, like, me and my brothers,
when it was Christmas time,
we always used to watch
Little Britain
and then a few years ago,
I ended up doing a show
with Matt Lucas, which is crazy.
And it's weird doing
a show with Matt
cos he's a legit
childhood hero of mine,
but he's very down-to-earth
and he's very nice to me
and it makes me super uncomfortable
how nice he is, right?
So when we first got the show
we had to do, like,
a few team bonding exercises,
so we went to the cinema
to watch Barbie.
I was buzzing to go watch Barbie,
I was like,
"Cool, let me go watch this."
Get to the cinema.
I don't know this yet,
but he had already paid
for the cinema tickets
and he was like,
"Andrew, tonight is on me.
"Just get whatever you want."
I'm like, "Matt, listen brother,
we're not on a date here.
"Do you understand? Like
"Don't try and Puff Daddy me.
I know how this game goes."
I was like, "Matt, are you crazy?
Like, you're famous.
"You can't just be blowing
money on me in public.
I'm like, "What if the Daily Mail
are following you?"
D'you know what I mean?
Cos you know
the Daily Mail would do me dirty
as well, innit?
The headline would be,
"Matt Lucas seen romantically
out with Kevin Hart."
Do you know what I mean?
So I'm like
LAUGHTER
LAUGHING: So I can't do that.
And before we went in the cinema,
we're talking about
different TV shows we loved,
growing up as a kid.
So, it's like,
"What's your favourite TV show?"
Trying to get me to say
Little Britain, innit?
But I just told him the truth.
I said my favourite TV show
of all time is actually Loose Women.
That's the greatest show ever made.
I watch Loose Women every day,
innit? And he couldn't believe it.
He's like, "Why are you into it
so much? I said, "It's cos, like,
"I'm attracted to, like,
older and bigger women, right?"
So he goes, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah."
Chill out, I'm not looking too deep
in the audience, don't worry.
LAUGHTER
But he's like, "Oh, you're into big
women. Where does that come from?"
I was like, "Basically I grew up
in a black church, innit,
"so all the girls
that sang in the choir,
"they were big and they sang
from the stomach up, very angelic.
"But the thing is, when they caught
the Holy Ghost and start shaking,
"their titties just start bouncing,
do you know what I mean?"
That never left me, always stuck
with me. He couldn't believe it.
I was like, "Yeah, man,
that's why you got all the stick
"for doing blackface
on Little Britain.
"I wasn't even that mad cos, like,
the big black woman you were
playing, like, that's my type, bro,
"I can't even lie."
It's like, "You were my first wank.
I can't believe this. What a day."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No, but my life has changed a lot
since I got that show, man.
Like, I'm officially middle class
now. Feels good, man.
WHOOPING
Feels good to be amongst my people.
Feels good. I'm middle class, man.
It feels good, man.
I play padel every day. That's how.
That's how my life is going, man.
I was playing padel last night
with my friend Susan
LAUGHTER
It's, like, weird, halfway through
the game, I'm like,
"Yo, I got friends called Susan now,
this is great,"
do you know what I mean?
But Susan's different.
She was born middle class,
so her lingo is different.
I'm trying to catch up to her lingo
cos when she's talking,
half the time, I'm trying to decode,
like, what she's actually saying
to me, do you know what I mean?
So after padel, she's like, "Andrew,
you know it's very important
"that you protect your energy."
I was like, "What?" Like
I'm like, "Sus, what's going on?
"Are you trying to shag me now?
Just show me the titties,
"I ain't got time for innuendos,
Let's get to it."
LAUGHTER
She was like, "No, no, Andrew,
you got to protect your energy."
And she started, like,
burning, like, some wood thing,
like, around me, innit?
And I was so baffled.
I was like, "Protect my energy?"
I've never even thought about that
before, do you know what I mean?
I grew up in south London. I was
trying to protect my organs
most of the time, do you know what
I'm saying? Like, that's a good life
when your problems are all cerebral
in that, innit?
Like, she ain't got no practical
issues like the rent or immigration.
So she got to, like,
pick her problems
from the atmosphere and that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But I got to embrace it, man.
It's who I am now, I'm middle class.
Everything about me
is middle class now.
It's weird. Even my beliefs.
I used to have poor beliefs,
now I got middle-class beliefs,
know what I mean?
I used to believe in God, now I
believe in mental health and that,
you know what I mean?
LAUGHTER
Proper into mental health.
I'm not quite like Susan, though.
Susan is like a mental health
advocate. She's always, like,
diagnosing me, like,
no qualifications,
justmatcha, just
LAUGHTER
Susan basically said to me,
what's happening is that
I'm suffering from anxiety.
She goes like,
"Anxiety is a very serious issue."
I've got to go to therapy.
I've got to talk about it
because anxiety
can really eat you up, innit?
And I agree with everything
she's saying, innit?
But I just don't want to be that guy
that claims he has anxiety,
do you know what I mean?
I just feel like right now
the market is a bit oversaturated,
you know what I mean?
It also feels like a very elitist
mental health issue.
Like, everyone I know that got
anxiety is a mad, privileged person.
As I said, I'm from South London.
No-one on my end's got anxiety
and, like, they really should,
do you know what I mean?
Like, they should. One of my boys
has been stabbed seven times.
He's still not scared. Like,
it just don't register in his brain.
Takes the same alleyway home,
he don't care, like.
He even now works in IKEA
in the cutlery section, you get me?
And he's not triggered.
He's just good at his job.
He's just like, "Yeah, get that
knife, it's sharp, trust me."
APPLAUSE
I'm very liberal. I'm very
I'm very what they call woke.
I'm a very woke guy.
I'm very woke. But it's long,
though. Being woke is long.
Oh, my God. Honestly. Cos,
like, when I signed up for it,
I didn't realise that, for real,
I didn't realise how many issues
there were, innit?
There's so many issues
and when you're woke, you've got to
be on top of everything.
So sometimes it feels like
you can't enjoy your life,
do you know what I mean?
Like, even before you snort a line,
you've got to check if it's Fair
Trade and that, like, it's crazy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
A few months ago,
I snorted my first-ever line, right?
Obviously, my white friends came
over, so they encouraged me.
LAUGHTER
So I took it. It was great.
I was buzzing,
I'm like, "This is great.
I'm going to do this every day,
"like Christmas-time,
this is going to be incredible."
But then my wokeness took over.
It was like,
"Andrew, think about it,
naw, that line was too pure.
"Do you know what I mean?
Someone defo died making this."
So this felt mad guilty.
I didn't even end up going out.
I was just coked up in my bedroom
just thinking of ways to make up
for it. Do you know what I mean?
I had to get some woke points back,
so the next day
I watched the women's football for
balance, you know what I'm saying?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No, I'm joking. Just the highlights,
innit? Don't be silly. Come on,
let's be serious.
LAUGHTER
I'm really struggling being woke
cos right now I just feel like
I'm in-between two sets of people,
right? So I've got, like,
my middle-class friends
who are were super woke.
I'm trying to catch up
to their level.
But then I've got
my childhood friends.
A lot of my childhood friends
are like hood guys.
They've been in prison, they've been
in gangs. So when I'm around them,
I feel really responsible to be
their social issues representative,
innit? But obviously they don't care
about any of this woke stuff
cos, like, their mind is on criminal
activity, do you know what I mean?
Like, for real, it's hard to teach
a man about pronouns
when the car we're in is stolen.
It's very hard.
LAUGHTER
The other day I'm trying
to teach my boy
about the dangers of transphobia,
innit? We're getting in the car.
Mid-conversation,
he starts hotwiring the car.
So I was baffled. I was like,
"Bro, like, whose car is this?"
He was like, "His, hers, theirs,
"I don't give a fuck, bro,
let's get out of here."
He was fuming. He was like,
"Why are you talking about
that political stuff
when you know the mandem
are chasing us?"
I'm like, "Bro, it's not mandem,
it's dey dem, bro,
"listen to what I'm saying."
LAUGHTER
But then on the flip side,
my middle-class friends here,
they're always putting me
under pressure, especially Susan.
She's always asking me very deep,
philosophical black questions
that I'm just not qualified
to answer, do you know what I mean?
I keep trying to tell her,
"Listen, man's just black,
"I'm not Nelson Mandela,
I don't know anything,
"do you know what I mean?" She's
always asking me very deep question.
One time she's like, "I'm just doing
some research as one of your allies
"and I just want to know,
like, on a day to day,
"how do you overcome
white privilege?" Right?
EXHALES
Honestly, I think I gave her
a good answer, yeah?
So I basically said,
"Suse, listen to me.
"I don't believe in white privilege,
innit, so I've never lived my life
"thinking white people
were superior to me."
Cos I'm not sure about you guys, but
I used to watch Jeremy Kyle, right?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
As a young black kid,
that show's very confusing,
do you know what I mean?
I remember being like,
"Yo, I just got stopped
by the police for no reason
"but this white stuff look
kind of difficult, too, innit?"
I would be asking my mum, so, like,
"Mum, like, do white people
grow teeth or not?
"Like, is that a thing for them?"
LAUGHTER
Like, we need to donate £2 a month
cos they're struggling over there,
boy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I like to go on protest.
That's my thing, innit?
I'm a big protester, man. Yeah, man.
Yeah. Basically,
I go for long walks, innit,
that's protesting in this country.
Someone gets bombed
somewhere across the world,
we're like, "Cool, let's do it.
10,000 steps. Let's go."
LAUGHTER
But I like going on protests.
To be honest, though,
I don't really have a lot of respect
for activism in the UK
cos it's, like,
it's just too easy to be one here.
Like, honestly, you get to a protest
now, there's no resistance.
Like, the police don't stop you.
They give you bottles of water,
they give you directions.
So what's happened, it's made us
activists a bit weak, innit?
Cos we ain't got a real opponent
that we're fighting against.
So a lot of times when we protest,
we just play it super safe,
we just have, like, a street party
with our friends.
That's kind of, like, the vibe.
We don't test ourselves.
So I remember a few years ago
the World Cup was in Qatar, right?
So, people went up in arms cos of
their gay rights issues over there
in the Middle East. So then Susan
text me, she goes, "Andrew, listen,
"like, we're doing this, like, anti
Qatar World Cup gay rights march,
"are you in? I'm like, "Yeah,
I love the gays. Where is it?"
She goes, "Soho."
I'm like, "Hold on.
"Ain't Soho, like, the gay capital?
"Like, why are they marching
in their own ends?
"That don't make no sense, like."
Do you know what I mean?
Like, gay rights march in Soho,
that's like me doing a Black Lives
Matter march in Nigeria,
do you know what I'm saying?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Can you imagine? Imagine me
turning up in Lagos, like,
"Yeah, man, we shall overcome."
They'll be like, "Overcome who?
"It's just us here, bro.
What are you talking about?
"It's just us and Stacey Dooley.
"There's no threat here.
We're super safe."
I got to go. You guys have been
great, man. But, honestly, like,
I just feel like the world's
going a bit mad, isn't it?
So we got to help as many people
as we can, you know what I mean?
But I do feel like people are
really selfish with their issue.
They kind of want you to focus
on the thing that's affecting them.
So no matter how good you do,
someone somewhere feels slighted
cos you're not focusing on them
in that current moment, right?
So me and Suse, we went to this
diabetes awareness rally, yeah?
She picks 'em, innit?
So, anyway, I'm at the rally
with her. It was great.
It was super educational about
Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes.
I'm super glad I went,
but as I'm there,
someone takes a picture of me at the
rally and they put it on Instagram,
yeah? Then some random person
DM's me saying, "Listen, Andrew,
"I've seen that you're at
a diabetes awareness rally,
"but how comes I've never seen you
at a cancer research one?"
He goes For real, he goes,
"I have cancer.
"Do people like me
not matter to you?" Right?
So I just said to this guy, "I'm so
sorry for what you're going through.
"I'm going to pray for you.
But trust me when I tell you this,
"I'm not here on
a mother Teresa vibe, bro.
"I'm at the diabetes awareness rally
because I'm attracted to big women,
"do you understand?"
Thank you, guys! My name's
Andrew Mensah! Take care!
See you soon! Bye-bye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Andrew Mensah!
Are you ready
for your next Christmas present?
CHEERING
She's genuinely
one of my favourite acts.
She's absolutely brilliant.
Please welcome to the stage
the wonderful Harriet Kemsley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Happy Christmas!
How are we doing? Are we OK?
CHEERING
Yes!
It's very nice to be here.
I've had a bit of a time,
the last couple of years.
I had a big break-up. I think it's
hard to be single at Christmas.
I've been trying to do, like,
nice things for myself.
Recently I went and got my
first-ever massage
with a happy ending.
Yeah. Pretty exciting. Yeah.
And the masseuse said it was
the best handjob he'd ever had.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. And the most surprising.
So we're doing OK.
I've gone to this spa, you know,
to try and feel good about myself.
And I sat in the steam room
on my own, and I was like,
"Yeah, you know what? I feel good.
I'm starting to feel body confident.
"I think I'm ready to get
back out there and date again,"
just sat in this steamer on my own,
and then the door
of the steam room opened,
and this woman peered in
and the steam cleared,
and she looked at me and she went,
"Tony?"
LAUGHTER
And I was like, "I'm not Tony!"
And then, to be fair,
I saw the guy afterwards, who
I guess was Tony - absolute spit.
Me and Tony separated at birth.
It was crazy.
So, yeah, it feels mad
to be single again.
Like, last time I was single,
I was in my early 20s.
Like, now well into my 30s,
you know?
So I'm single for the first time
in my life
with things like self esteem.
It's crazy.
Like, in my early 20s, a guy
turned up for a date on a moped
and I was like,
"Jesus Christ, it's a businessman."
My standards are so low,
I got a pizza off the back,
I was like, "This is great,"
you know?
Cos dating is different now.
It's different.
My friend was telling me
it's different.
Like, you've got to know your type.
Like, my friend,
she's got a Labrador boyfriend,
you know, that means he's like
Like, he's really, like,
enthusiastic, like a Labrador.
And that makes sense
cos I've actually
previously only dated rescues.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, that's my type. Yeah.
I take them in,
I give them a loving home,
and then they have to be destroyed.
LAUGHTER
Too bitey.
So my friend was like, "Right,
if you want to meet someone now,
"you're a bit older,
what you need to do
"is you need to go out in person,
on your own, to a bar,
"get dressed up, sit down and try
and get eye contact with a guy."
And so I went to this bar
and I sat down for what I will say
was quite a while. And eventually
I got eye contact with this guy,
and he was quite cute, and I was
like, "Oh, my God, it's happening."
We were, like, looking at each
other. And I was like, "Oh, my God."
And then he started to come over
and I was like, "It's happening."
And then he went, "Oh, excuse me,
is that seat taken?"
And I was like, "No."
And he took it.
LAUGHTER
So I was nervous
to get back out there.
And my friend was like,
"Harriet, a heads up.
"Dating is different now.
It's different out there.
"You don't know."
A lot of you guys won't know this,
you're happily in relationships,
you won't know
what it's like out there.
My friend was like,
"Harriet, it's different.
"Men are into choking now."
And I was like, "What?"
And she was like, "See ya."
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
what do you mean?"
She's like, "It's a fun thing.
You just have to go with it."
So I was like, "Oh, my God!"
The first time I went home
with a guy. I was like,
"OK, you're just going to go
with it. Men are into choking.
"It's like a fun thing.
You're just going to go with it."
And so I went home with this guy,
it started to get hot and heavy,
my friend was like,
"It's just a fun thing,
"You just got to go with it."
It started to get hot and heavy
and I was like,
"OK, you just got to go with it,
"men are into choking."
And so I swallowed a bit of Lego.
LAUGHTER
I was like
COUGHS
"Is it sexy?"
The rumours are true.
I think people aren't
always aware of it.
Like, men aren't always aware of,
like, what's going on in our heads.
Like, I was in a taxi in the summer,
and they've been talking a lot
about drink spiking,
and we were listening to this
really inappropriate radio show
about drink spiking,
just me and this old taxi driver.
And he was like,
"Oh, it's mad about
all this drink spiking, isn't it?"
And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
And he was like,
"It's crazy how they
get away with it."
And I was like, "Yeah, no, I know."
And then he was like,
"Oh, I forgot to ask, uh,
would you like a bottle of water?"
LAUGHTER
I was like,
"No, absolutely not. No."
I don't know, do we have
anyone here that's divorced?
Give me a cheer.
CHEERING
Yeah, we've got a few divorcees in.
Yeah, we've got a certain look,
you know, we've seen some stuff.
I'm trying to find,
like, my divorce crowd, you know.
I asked this one woman if she was
divorced, and she said, "Yeah."
And I was like, "Oh, cool."
And she was like,
"Well, not really. I'm widowed."
And I was like,
"That's not the same thing."
I was like, "That's not the same
thing at all." I was like,
"If anything, you've lost the best
bit about getting divorced,
"you know, which is wishing
your ex is dead."
You lost that.
I don't know about you guys,
I got divorced quite recently.
I got something called
a no-fault divorce.
It means you can do it
quite quickly.
It's called a no-fault divorce.
But it is his.
It is his. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's
nowhere to put that on the form,
though, so I'm just having
to perform at the Apollo
at Christmas-time just to let
everyone know that it is his.
Yeah, it is his.
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
What's been really fun
about my divorce
is that nobody has said, "Oh,
but you were so good together."
Not a single person has said that.
That's fun, isn't it? Yeah.
People can be rude about divorce.
I've had people say to my face,
"I just think divorce is too easy."
Like, "I think it's too easy."
Like, I disagree.
I think marriage is too easy,
you know?
You can get married drunk in Vegas.
Like, I think you should be able
to get divorced in Vegas.
You know what I mean? Like,
you go to Vegas with your partner,
you get wasted,
you look at each other,
and you think, "We could do better."
you know? Then Elvis divorces you.
You know, I think that would be fun.
I think it'd be fun,
and he'd get it, you know?
He had a difficult marriage
and a lot going on
and had to deal
with his wife's puberty.
LAUGHTER
Few Elvis fans in. OK!
So, yeah, it's, uh
I would love to get married again,
I would, I would love
to get married again.
My ex, he proposed on Christmas Eve,
and I just always thought
that was so romantic.
But a friend said to me,
"That's really unoriginal.
"Like, everyone
gets engaged at Christmas."
And I was, like, so offended.
I was like,
"When do you want me to get engaged
so it's original?
"Remembrance Sunday?"
LAUGHTER
You know, so gets down
on one knee at 10:59,
does it quickly, and then
just stares at me for one long,
silent minute.
LAUGHTER
The best thing that's come out of
the relationship is my daughter.
We have a wonderful daughter
and that's the best thing.
It's hard doing this job
with a child, though.
We e had to start using
baby-sitters quite quickly.
So, first time we had to use
a baby-sitter, I was so worried.
The baby-sitter was so sweet
but her English wasn't great
and I left, and I was, like, crying.
And then I was like, "I know,
I'll just message and check in
and see how she's doing
"and that'll make me feel better.
"I'll just message and say,
like, 'Is she sleeping?'
"And that will make me feel better."
And so I messaged and I said,
"Is she sleeping?"
And she replied,
and I think she meant to say yes,
but her English wasn't great,
so what she wrote was,
"Her eyes shut, she no move."
LAUGHTER
And then she followed it up
with the most terrifying message
you've ever received.
"She angel now."
LAUGHTER
Little angel emoji. I was like,
"Oh, my God, what do you mean?!"
LAUGHTER
I think having a child
does change your perspective.
Like, I remember my mum
saying to me
that I was her greatest achievement
and I just thought,
"That is so sad." You know,
particularly for my brother.
LAUGHTER
But we had my daughter. I had
my daughter around Christmas-time,
and it was
Christmas-time around Covid,
so it was a weird time to have her.
And I was so worried
she was going to get sick,
like my little precious baby
with her new immune system.
And I took her back to Kent
for Christmas
when she was only a few days old.
And my mum,
I think she was trying to be helpful
and but what she said was,
"Harriet, don't worry about it, OK?
"The baby came out of your vagina,
"so she will have picked up
a lot of bacteria from there."
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
And I think she meant it nicely
but it felt pointed, you know.
But I have my daughter,
and my waters didn't break,
so she came out in the amniotic sac.
But we didn't know that at the time.
So she looked like an alien squid.
The midwife was with her father
and I said,
"Oh, what does she look like?"
And he went, "Uh, don't worry
about it, we'll see."
I said, "What do you mean,
we'll see?" And he was like,
"Let's just get it out
and then we'll deal with it."
LAUGHTER
I thought parenting
would be more straightforward,
like, I thought it would
be more linear.
Like, we live in south London
on the border of quite a fancy area,
and my daughter got invited recently
to go to this, like,
private gallery screening.
It was, like, quite posh.
And we went along and all the
toddlers sat down and the lady said,
"As you can see, this lady
is hanging out in a park.
"Where do you children
like to hang out?"
And one of them put their hand up
and said, "Japan."
LAUGHTER
Another one put their hand up
and said, "The Nile."
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
where would my daughter say?
"Like, where did we last hang out?"
And before I could stop her,
she put her hand up and she went,
"All Bar One!"
LAUGHTER
So, yeah, it's been weird.
It's been weird to date again.
It's hard to date again.
I had this trip over to Australia
planned earlier in the year,
and I was like, "Right, I'm going
to try and I'm going to date.
"That's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to date."
So I was at the airport
before I went to Australia,
just looking at all the condoms,
and I was like,
"Right, I'm going to get condoms.
I'm a strong, independent lady,
"I'm going to buy condoms."
But then they were all, like,
the fun ones, you know?
And I looked in the corner,
there was the extra safe,
and I was like, "I'm a mother.
I should really get extra safe."
But then I bought them
and I googled it
and they're no safer
than any other condoms.
It's all a lie. The only reason
that they're safer
is that no-one wants to fuck you
when you turn up
with extra safe condoms,
cos you look like such a nerd.
When you turn up and you're like,
"I got extra safe, everybody"
Not everybody. Not everybody.
LAUGHTER
I don't know. I do
I kind of wish I could just be
a tiny little bit more
like Bonnie Blue.
Just a tiny little bit more like
her, you know,
cos I get too attached.
I'd get too attached, you know,
I'd fall in love with number one.
LAUGHTER
You know what I mean?
Number two would be inside me,
and I'd be like, "Did number one
mention me on the way out?"
LAUGHTER
"Do you think he's going to call?"
LAUGHTER
It's hard to stay body confident
as well.
Like, it's hard.
There's so much pressure.
Apparently, the average woman
in America now spends $15,000
in her lifetime on make-up.
Like, it's so much money.
And, like, what a waste of make-up.
You know, like,
you could get two boob jobs
for that.
Not looking at your face, are they?
No. No, no. They're looking
at your six boobs.
LAUGHTER
Four on the front, two on the back,
let's go, pretty good time!
LAUGHTER
You guys have been so nice.
You never really know.
I was standing outside my show
the other night,
and there was a woman
wearing a Harvard jumper,
and I was like, "Oh, my God, I don't
know if my crowd went to Harvard."
And I was like,
"Did you go to Harvard?"
And she was like, "No."
And I was like, "Oh, thank God,
"cos my crowd isn't
people who went to Harvard,
"but it is people that spent 8.99 on
a jumper in H&M that says Harvard.
"They're my people."
APPLAUSE
Thanks so much, everybody.
I hope you have a wonderful
rest of your evening.
Happy Christmas, everybody!
Thank you! Goodbye!
Harriet Kemsley!
CHEERING
- Have we had a good night?
- AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Can we have a huge round of applause
for Andrew Mensah!
CHEERING
Harriet Kemsley!
CHEERING
Josh Widdicombe.
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING CONTINUES
# Go!
Oh, yeah ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight, Josh Widdicombe!
- # Children playing, having fun
- Having fun
# It's the season, love and
understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone. ♪
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING
Yes! I am, I'm a big Christmas fan.
I'm a big Christmas fan.
There's places you have to draw
the line.
Have we got any of thethese
grown-ups in the room
that have the chocolate advent
calendars?
CHEERING
Pathetic.
LAUGHTER
I've got a friend. He's 34.
He had the chocolate
advent calendar last year.
He said to me, "Oh, I finished it
by December the 3rd,
"I got overexcited."
You're 34! You can afford a Twix!
Have yourself a Lion bar! You're
earning!
But now you get these grown-up advent
calendars.
Have you seen this? You've got the
gin advent calendar!
CHEERING
By December the 3rd,
you've lost your job.
What a way to cover up a problem
that is!
No, I'm not an alcoholic.
I've just got the gin advent
calendar!
I'm not a drug addict.
I've just got the MDMA advent
calendar!
Celebrating the birth of Jesusby
dancing from 7am.
There's the pets' advent calendar.
Have you seen this?
Just to be clear, that
is an advent calendar for your pet.
It's not a different pet each day.
By Christmas Eve, your house looks
like Doctor Dolittle's.
No, my friend, they got
an advent calendar for their dog.
It's a dog. They couldn't give a
shit!
Dogs don't celebrate religious
festivals!
"Do you want a Bonio?"
"Oh, no. Sorry, mate. It's Ramadan."
My friend told me there's such
a thing as
the sex toys advent calendar!
CHEERING
No! At that time in the morning, no,
thank you very much!
What if you go away for a few days?
You have to do one of those catch-up
mornings.
First day back at work. "Sorry I'm
late.
"You wouldn't believe the morning
I've just had.
"Let's just say it was festive!"
The worst advent calendar I ever
got
I don't want to make this too bleak,
but one year,
when I was a kid, my mum got me the,
um
..non-chocolate, just picture,
advent calendar.
CROWD GROANS
Hello? Is that Childline?
Yeah. "Prick up your ears", I said.
"You're not going to believe this
one."
No child wants that! No child's going
to school,
"What did you get?" "Chocolate."
"Unlucky. I got a painting of a
shepherd."
Do you know what's never happened?
No child has ever got to December the
3rd
and opened all the pictures
on their advent calendar.
Oh, once you've seen one picture
of a pregnant woman on a donkey,
you can't stop yourself, mate!
The chocolate advent calendars
for grown-ups
You get these people, though.
I had a meeting with my accountant
the other day.
50-year-old man in a suit, right.
In the space of an hour,
he had two hot chocolates.
50-year-old man in a suit! Sorry,
are you the child from Big?
His assistant came in and said, "What
do you want?"
He said, "I'll have a hot chocolate."
He said to me, "Do you want one
as well?"
I said, "No. No, because last time I
checked, this was
"a business meeting, not a fireworks
display."
"Yeah. Go on, I'll have a toffee
apple as well.
"Let's enjoy ourselves."
It's very exciting, Christmas.
I like to get all the deliveries.
Very excited with the Christmas
deliveries.
Having stuff delivered has changed
now. We're aware of this?
I don't know when we made this deal.
The deal has changed.
It used to be - in exchange for a
parcel, I sign my name.
But now the rules have changed,
haven't they?
Now the rule is in exchange for them
giving me a parcel,
they get to take one photograph
of my feet!
"Did you just pat my feet? I don't
know what's going on here!"
They go, "Yeah, that's how we
recognise you."
I haven't got particularly
recognisable feet!
I'd say of the people on
The Last Leg,
I've got the least recognisable feet.
Yeah, that's right. Start by clapping
the disability joke.
I've found your level.
I'm going to get a farmhouse door.
That's what I'm going to get.
That'll show them. Just answer the
door,
"What are you going to do now?"
I don't know if any of you are foot
fetishists.
I've got a problem. I'm not here to
kink shame you.
What I'll say, get a job for DPD,
mate.
You go home with that little camera,
there's 600 feet on there!
You'll be red raw by morning.
This isn't the first Christmas TV
show I've done. Last year
I don't know if you're aware of this.
..I did
the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas
Special.
CHEERING
I don't know if you saw it.
I got a ten from Anton Du Beke.
Is he the toughest judge? Yes, he is.
Don't look it up, all right?
I had the lowest moment of my career
on
the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas
Special,
which was basicallywe all had
to meet up to do the dance, to
learn this group dance, right?
And we all got there, rightand all
the dancers.
And we started learning the dance,
and I was the worst of all
the celebrities. And all the dancers,
to be fair. I was the worst.
And I was like, "This isn't how it
was meant to play out."
I thought I was
I thought I'd be middle
because I thought I was like,
"There's always, like, a shit
middle-aged bloke
"like Adrian Chiles. Where is he?!"
And then I thought, "Oh, fuck."
"I'm Adrian Chiles. I'm
the shit middle-aged bloke."
But that's the age I've reached.
Like, I've reached the age
where I went to the optician
recently, right
This was a low moment, right.
I did the eye test. She said, "Your
glasses are fine."
And then she said, I couldn't believe
this,
she said, "Just a little tip.
"Have you considered
"going for a bigger font on your
phone?"
A bigger font I said, "No, I
haven't,
"because I'm not 900 years old."
She might as well have gone,
"Here's a little tip.
"Have you considered
"dragging your belongings
in a tartan trolley?"
Because have you seen these old
pricks with
the big font on their phone, reading
a text message like that?!
One letter a line, like it's the OXO
Tower.
The only thing you can see from space
are my grandad's texts.
That's the only thing you can see
from space.
That's the oldest person thing you
can do on a phone,
apart from having your phone
in a leather book-like case.
And then not knowing why when you're
taking a photo,
you can't see because you've folded
it around.
Disabled people and old people!
You've got a real taste
for who you hate, haven't you?
"Have you considered going
for a bigger font on your phone?"
She might as well have said,
"Here's a little tip.
"Have you considered putting a
handkerchief
"up your sleeve and getting it out
every half an hour
"and blowing your nose
"louder than anyone's
ever blown their nose,
"and then putting it back
up your sleeve?
"And then once a day, getting it out
and rubbing a child's face with it."
That's what old people do.
What, we're blaming the bat for
Covid? Really?!
Also, it's a lazy optician, isn't it?
"Yeah. That's your glasses fine.
No, no, yeah.
"Just go bigger font on your phone."
That's your job! She might as well
have gone,
"Hey, can't you just stand nearer
to things?
"Come on, mate. Meet me halfway."
The other one she offered me I was
livid. It was a sunny day.
I turned up in sunglasses.
She said, "Are they prescription?"
I said, "Yes." She said, "Oh, here's
a tip, right. Have you considered
"getting these glasses, right,
that respond to the light?"
And I said, "No, no."
Because if you aren't aware of these
glasses, they are brilliant, right?
The way they work is when it's a
winter's day,
they look like normal glasses.
And then when it's bright sunlight,
you look like a paedophile.
That's how it works. Oh, they change
just one little bit.
Just enough so that no-one stands
near you on the bus. That's it.
Do not wear a long coat on a sunny
day. That's how it works.
You watch a lot of cosy TV at
Christmas.
I did a show called Who Do You Think
You Are?
If you aren't aware of this show,
you basically research your family
tree, right. And it's very exciting
because you don't know
where you're going to go.
And I phoned my agent beforehand and
I was like, "Where am I going to go?"
She said, "I can't tell you.
I can't tell you." She said,
"But if Just a quick question. If,
hypothetically, you were filming
"in Luton, would you want to stay
over?"
And I've stayed in some bad places.
I stayed in a motorway services hotel
recently.
I don't know if you've stayed
in one of these places.
My main issue with it is the people
that work there,
they don't seem to be aware of
where they work.
I turned up at 11pm at this motorway
service station hotel
at Fleet services, right.
I turned up and I said, "I've got
a room booked under Josh Widdicombe."
And he said, "How many nights is it
for?"
What, at a motorway services? How
many do you think?
Do you think I'll get everything
done in a week?
I was planning on staying
for five nights!
There's just so much to enjoy here!
Because tomorrow morning, I was
planning on buying
a mobile phone case next to a toilet.
That's how I'm going to start my day.
Then I'm going to use two fruit
machines behind
a velvet rope that you're calling a
casino.
And then I'm going to get
in Thomas the Tank Engine's van
and do that for an hour.
I've seen this place, they had
It was a downstairs hotel.
Have you ever stayed
in a downstairs hotel room next to
a car park?
Do not do what I do - get out of the
shower,
open the curtains. You are basically
dogging.
They had an iron in there. An iron!
I've never seen this before.
It had no features. It's just a piece
of iron with a handle.
I was like, "Where have I seen this?"
The answer, Monopoly.
I don't want loads of features on
an iron. I just want a dial
..whatever I'm ironing, I'm turning
up full blast.
If it's delicate, I'm just moving
the iron faster,
let's be honest with you. And I want
a button
that fires out steam and occasionally
for no reason,
cocaine.
That's always a weird moment, isn't
it? "Whoa! Have I got
"Pete Doherty's iron? What's going on
here?"
But they don't know where they work.
This guy,
the second question He said, "How
many nights are you staying for?"
And I said, "One." And he said then,
he said,
"And I'm going to need your number
plate, if you've driven."
If you've driven?! To the Fleet
services?
"No. I got the train to Redding
"and then walked down the central
reservation,
"thank you very much.
"I just read such good reviews of the
place!
"I've walked past 25 hotels to get
here!"
I did Who Do You Think You Are?
Watch it this Christmas.
It's a great episode. They said it
was a good episode.
I stand by it. It is the closest
they've ever had to This was the
words of the producer,
off camera. "It is the closest run
we've ever
"had to a proper royal
since Alexander Armstrong."
But in his words, "He doesn't count,
because he's already posh as fuck."
It turned out I'm the 15 times
great-grandson
..of Henry VIII.
- AUDIENCE:
- Ooh!
Yeah, Henry the M-F-ing eighth.
You're impressed now,
aren't you?
I'll tell you what.
Since that news has come out,
my wife's upped her game.
But I said to her, "It's not you
that needs to be worried.
"It's my second,
fourth and fifth wives
"that need to be
shitting themselves."
But this is what they said to me.
They said, "You're related to
Henry VIII."
I was like, "Wow."
The next question baffled me.
They said,
"You're related to Henry VIII."
I said, "Wow." And then they said,
"Did you ever suspect?"
"Well, there was that time
I ate a whole grouse, yes.
"And there was that weekend
"I started my own branch
of Christianity.
"That was a weird one.
"Do you know what?
Whenever I went to Burger King
"and put on that cardboard crown,
I did feel like me."
And then they said
And then they said,
"Here's a little fact.
"If the right 374 people died"
And I thought,
"This is a bleak fact."
They said, "If the right 374 people
died, you would be King."
And I said, "No.
If the right 374 people died,
"I would be the prime suspect
in a murder inquiry."
But I'm proud of it. Henry VIII.
And then it turns out people
don't like Henry VIII.
People think he's a shit.
And I'm like, "You can't do that.
He's family, mate.
- "I
- can slag him off.
You can't slag off my family."
He's the best Henry.
Apart from Henry the Hoover,
I'll give you that.
What a reveal that would have been.
"Here's your granddad.
Do you recognise this noise?"
JOSH VOCALISES HOOVER SUCKING
But Christmas is about kids.
I've got young kids.
I've got seven and four.
That's what Christmas is about.
And being a kid has changed
since I was a kid.
Like, the terminology has changed.
When I was a kid, it was called
"going to play at a friend's house,"
"going round a mate's house."
Now they've changed it to,
"play dates."
Do you want a play date?
I'm going to say it.
It's too sexual as a terminology
for my taste.
The first time I heard that,
one of the mums came up
to me outside nursery,
she said, "Are you Josh?"
I said, "Yeah."
She said, "Do you fancy
a play date on Saturday?"
I was like, "Here we bloody go!"
"The big man's back in town.
"Henry VIII's genes run strong
in this one."
"Yeah. Why not? Yeah."
She was like,
"I was thinking 10am."
I was thinking,
"A bit early for my tastes."
Well, you've got to get through
that sex toys advent calendar
somehow, haven't you?
She said, "If it's a nice day,
we could go out in the garden."
Absolutely not.
I still You go to kids' parties.
The kids at kids' parties
are obsessed with party bags.
It was my daughter's birthday, right?
They're still the same, party bags.
Still the same.
A kid came up to me and said,
ten minutes in,
"When do the party bags come out?"
Like he was going,
"Have you got any coke?"
"Just fire up the iron.
You'll find some, right?"
He said, "When do the
party bags come out?"
And I said, "You can have a party bag
when you leave."
And he said, "Can I go now?"
Still the same, the party bag.
Still all the same stuff in it -
the polystyrene plane
that goes nowhere,
the Chupachups that
you need a blowtorch to unwrap,
a slice of cake that has
been completely fucked
by the napkin wrapped around it
"Oh, you enjoyed the icing, did you?
"Well, you're not getting
any more of that, mate.
"Just enjoy the shit sponge inside.
There you go."
..temporary tattoos that last
longer than actual tattoos.
My daughter had a unicorn
on her forehead for six weeks.
Have you ever put them on yourself?
My kids put them on me
and then I'm stuck with it.
and then I take my jacket off
and people go,
"I didn't know you have a tattoo."
You taking the piss?
"Yeah, I just love
Stegosauruses, actually, yeah.
"Yeah, I'm a huge fan of diggers,
so I got inked."
They're boozy as well, these kids'
parties, they're boozy.
The adults Just to be clear,
the adults, not the kids.
I turned up at one at 11:30am
and the mum answered the door,
she said, "I've already
had half a bottle of Prosecco.
"Football Focus hasn't even started."
She said, "Well, how else
are you going to look after 20 kids?"
You're like,
"That's not how it works, mate."
I don't know if you've ever
done pick-up from school.
Very rarely does the teacher
come out and go,
"I've had six pints
at lunchtime, mate.
"How else am I going to
look after them?
"They're all here, aren't they?
"Well, there's more
than this morning, if anything."
I've stopped drinking as well, so
And there's no respect.
I turned up at one
of these parties, I said,
"Have you got
anything non-alcoholic?"
And she said
"Well, I can try and find something."
At a six-year-old's birthday party!
And then she went off
and got a Robinsons Fruit Shoot.
Have you ever drunk a
Fruit Shoot as an adult?
It is gone in 0.7 of a second.
She said, "Well,
do you want another one?"
I was like, "I'm not going to nail
through all the kids' Fruit Shoots!
Parched kids running around me going,
"Sorry, I had 16 Fruit Shoots."
Because you get no respect,
you get no respect
when you stop drinking.
I tried to stop.
I went to a meal with my wife
and she said,
"I'm going to have a cocktail."
I thought, I'll have
a non-alcoholic cocktail," right?
"I'll have a non-alcoholic cocktail."
And I said to the waiter, "Where
are the non-alcoholic cocktails?"
He said, "Well,
here is our normal cocktails.
"And on this page,
here's our virgin cocktails."
I went, "What are you
calling them, sorry?"
"Virgin cocktails."
As if you're not insecure enough.
"Here's your pathetic
little virgin cocktails
"for people that don't
have sex, yeah.
"And here's your cocktails for proper
shaggers that can enjoy drinking.
"You're pathetic. What have we got?
We've got Sex On The Beach.
"That's what we've got.
What have you got?
"Wanking At Home Alone.
That's what your cocktail's called."
You are a lovely audience.
Are you ready for your first act?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, let's bring them on.
Please welcome to the stage
the incredible Andrew Mensah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ANDREW: Yeah!
WHISTLING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Thanks.
Yes. Merry Christmas, Apollo.
Are we well?
CHEERING
It's great to be here.
Don't worry, guys, I know.
Yeah, I look like a pint of Guinness.
It's very, very bad.
Don't worry.
It's very rare.
I look like I've been left out
in the Christmas snow for too long.
I haven't really
dressed very festive, you know,
I kind of look like, um,
a bad guy in a Christmas movie.
That's kind of my attire today.
Home Alone In Croydon.
That's what I'm calling it.
You see me in a chimney,
you in trouble, boy.
You know what I mean?
Guys be dreaming
of a black Christmas.
That's how we call it.
D'you know what I mean?
But nah, Christmas time always
reminds me of how mad life can be
cos, like, me and my brothers,
when it was Christmas time,
we always used to watch
Little Britain
and then a few years ago,
I ended up doing a show
with Matt Lucas, which is crazy.
And it's weird doing
a show with Matt
cos he's a legit
childhood hero of mine,
but he's very down-to-earth
and he's very nice to me
and it makes me super uncomfortable
how nice he is, right?
So when we first got the show
we had to do, like,
a few team bonding exercises,
so we went to the cinema
to watch Barbie.
I was buzzing to go watch Barbie,
I was like,
"Cool, let me go watch this."
Get to the cinema.
I don't know this yet,
but he had already paid
for the cinema tickets
and he was like,
"Andrew, tonight is on me.
"Just get whatever you want."
I'm like, "Matt, listen brother,
we're not on a date here.
"Do you understand? Like
"Don't try and Puff Daddy me.
I know how this game goes."
I was like, "Matt, are you crazy?
Like, you're famous.
"You can't just be blowing
money on me in public.
I'm like, "What if the Daily Mail
are following you?"
D'you know what I mean?
Cos you know
the Daily Mail would do me dirty
as well, innit?
The headline would be,
"Matt Lucas seen romantically
out with Kevin Hart."
Do you know what I mean?
So I'm like
LAUGHTER
LAUGHING: So I can't do that.
And before we went in the cinema,
we're talking about
different TV shows we loved,
growing up as a kid.
So, it's like,
"What's your favourite TV show?"
Trying to get me to say
Little Britain, innit?
But I just told him the truth.
I said my favourite TV show
of all time is actually Loose Women.
That's the greatest show ever made.
I watch Loose Women every day,
innit? And he couldn't believe it.
He's like, "Why are you into it
so much? I said, "It's cos, like,
"I'm attracted to, like,
older and bigger women, right?"
So he goes, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah."
Chill out, I'm not looking too deep
in the audience, don't worry.
LAUGHTER
But he's like, "Oh, you're into big
women. Where does that come from?"
I was like, "Basically I grew up
in a black church, innit,
"so all the girls
that sang in the choir,
"they were big and they sang
from the stomach up, very angelic.
"But the thing is, when they caught
the Holy Ghost and start shaking,
"their titties just start bouncing,
do you know what I mean?"
That never left me, always stuck
with me. He couldn't believe it.
I was like, "Yeah, man,
that's why you got all the stick
"for doing blackface
on Little Britain.
"I wasn't even that mad cos, like,
the big black woman you were
playing, like, that's my type, bro,
"I can't even lie."
It's like, "You were my first wank.
I can't believe this. What a day."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No, but my life has changed a lot
since I got that show, man.
Like, I'm officially middle class
now. Feels good, man.
WHOOPING
Feels good to be amongst my people.
Feels good. I'm middle class, man.
It feels good, man.
I play padel every day. That's how.
That's how my life is going, man.
I was playing padel last night
with my friend Susan
LAUGHTER
It's, like, weird, halfway through
the game, I'm like,
"Yo, I got friends called Susan now,
this is great,"
do you know what I mean?
But Susan's different.
She was born middle class,
so her lingo is different.
I'm trying to catch up to her lingo
cos when she's talking,
half the time, I'm trying to decode,
like, what she's actually saying
to me, do you know what I mean?
So after padel, she's like, "Andrew,
you know it's very important
"that you protect your energy."
I was like, "What?" Like
I'm like, "Sus, what's going on?
"Are you trying to shag me now?
Just show me the titties,
"I ain't got time for innuendos,
Let's get to it."
LAUGHTER
She was like, "No, no, Andrew,
you got to protect your energy."
And she started, like,
burning, like, some wood thing,
like, around me, innit?
And I was so baffled.
I was like, "Protect my energy?"
I've never even thought about that
before, do you know what I mean?
I grew up in south London. I was
trying to protect my organs
most of the time, do you know what
I'm saying? Like, that's a good life
when your problems are all cerebral
in that, innit?
Like, she ain't got no practical
issues like the rent or immigration.
So she got to, like,
pick her problems
from the atmosphere and that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But I got to embrace it, man.
It's who I am now, I'm middle class.
Everything about me
is middle class now.
It's weird. Even my beliefs.
I used to have poor beliefs,
now I got middle-class beliefs,
know what I mean?
I used to believe in God, now I
believe in mental health and that,
you know what I mean?
LAUGHTER
Proper into mental health.
I'm not quite like Susan, though.
Susan is like a mental health
advocate. She's always, like,
diagnosing me, like,
no qualifications,
justmatcha, just
LAUGHTER
Susan basically said to me,
what's happening is that
I'm suffering from anxiety.
She goes like,
"Anxiety is a very serious issue."
I've got to go to therapy.
I've got to talk about it
because anxiety
can really eat you up, innit?
And I agree with everything
she's saying, innit?
But I just don't want to be that guy
that claims he has anxiety,
do you know what I mean?
I just feel like right now
the market is a bit oversaturated,
you know what I mean?
It also feels like a very elitist
mental health issue.
Like, everyone I know that got
anxiety is a mad, privileged person.
As I said, I'm from South London.
No-one on my end's got anxiety
and, like, they really should,
do you know what I mean?
Like, they should. One of my boys
has been stabbed seven times.
He's still not scared. Like,
it just don't register in his brain.
Takes the same alleyway home,
he don't care, like.
He even now works in IKEA
in the cutlery section, you get me?
And he's not triggered.
He's just good at his job.
He's just like, "Yeah, get that
knife, it's sharp, trust me."
APPLAUSE
I'm very liberal. I'm very
I'm very what they call woke.
I'm a very woke guy.
I'm very woke. But it's long,
though. Being woke is long.
Oh, my God. Honestly. Cos,
like, when I signed up for it,
I didn't realise that, for real,
I didn't realise how many issues
there were, innit?
There's so many issues
and when you're woke, you've got to
be on top of everything.
So sometimes it feels like
you can't enjoy your life,
do you know what I mean?
Like, even before you snort a line,
you've got to check if it's Fair
Trade and that, like, it's crazy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
A few months ago,
I snorted my first-ever line, right?
Obviously, my white friends came
over, so they encouraged me.
LAUGHTER
So I took it. It was great.
I was buzzing,
I'm like, "This is great.
I'm going to do this every day,
"like Christmas-time,
this is going to be incredible."
But then my wokeness took over.
It was like,
"Andrew, think about it,
naw, that line was too pure.
"Do you know what I mean?
Someone defo died making this."
So this felt mad guilty.
I didn't even end up going out.
I was just coked up in my bedroom
just thinking of ways to make up
for it. Do you know what I mean?
I had to get some woke points back,
so the next day
I watched the women's football for
balance, you know what I'm saying?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No, I'm joking. Just the highlights,
innit? Don't be silly. Come on,
let's be serious.
LAUGHTER
I'm really struggling being woke
cos right now I just feel like
I'm in-between two sets of people,
right? So I've got, like,
my middle-class friends
who are were super woke.
I'm trying to catch up
to their level.
But then I've got
my childhood friends.
A lot of my childhood friends
are like hood guys.
They've been in prison, they've been
in gangs. So when I'm around them,
I feel really responsible to be
their social issues representative,
innit? But obviously they don't care
about any of this woke stuff
cos, like, their mind is on criminal
activity, do you know what I mean?
Like, for real, it's hard to teach
a man about pronouns
when the car we're in is stolen.
It's very hard.
LAUGHTER
The other day I'm trying
to teach my boy
about the dangers of transphobia,
innit? We're getting in the car.
Mid-conversation,
he starts hotwiring the car.
So I was baffled. I was like,
"Bro, like, whose car is this?"
He was like, "His, hers, theirs,
"I don't give a fuck, bro,
let's get out of here."
He was fuming. He was like,
"Why are you talking about
that political stuff
when you know the mandem
are chasing us?"
I'm like, "Bro, it's not mandem,
it's dey dem, bro,
"listen to what I'm saying."
LAUGHTER
But then on the flip side,
my middle-class friends here,
they're always putting me
under pressure, especially Susan.
She's always asking me very deep,
philosophical black questions
that I'm just not qualified
to answer, do you know what I mean?
I keep trying to tell her,
"Listen, man's just black,
"I'm not Nelson Mandela,
I don't know anything,
"do you know what I mean?" She's
always asking me very deep question.
One time she's like, "I'm just doing
some research as one of your allies
"and I just want to know,
like, on a day to day,
"how do you overcome
white privilege?" Right?
EXHALES
Honestly, I think I gave her
a good answer, yeah?
So I basically said,
"Suse, listen to me.
"I don't believe in white privilege,
innit, so I've never lived my life
"thinking white people
were superior to me."
Cos I'm not sure about you guys, but
I used to watch Jeremy Kyle, right?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
As a young black kid,
that show's very confusing,
do you know what I mean?
I remember being like,
"Yo, I just got stopped
by the police for no reason
"but this white stuff look
kind of difficult, too, innit?"
I would be asking my mum, so, like,
"Mum, like, do white people
grow teeth or not?
"Like, is that a thing for them?"
LAUGHTER
Like, we need to donate £2 a month
cos they're struggling over there,
boy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I like to go on protest.
That's my thing, innit?
I'm a big protester, man. Yeah, man.
Yeah. Basically,
I go for long walks, innit,
that's protesting in this country.
Someone gets bombed
somewhere across the world,
we're like, "Cool, let's do it.
10,000 steps. Let's go."
LAUGHTER
But I like going on protests.
To be honest, though,
I don't really have a lot of respect
for activism in the UK
cos it's, like,
it's just too easy to be one here.
Like, honestly, you get to a protest
now, there's no resistance.
Like, the police don't stop you.
They give you bottles of water,
they give you directions.
So what's happened, it's made us
activists a bit weak, innit?
Cos we ain't got a real opponent
that we're fighting against.
So a lot of times when we protest,
we just play it super safe,
we just have, like, a street party
with our friends.
That's kind of, like, the vibe.
We don't test ourselves.
So I remember a few years ago
the World Cup was in Qatar, right?
So, people went up in arms cos of
their gay rights issues over there
in the Middle East. So then Susan
text me, she goes, "Andrew, listen,
"like, we're doing this, like, anti
Qatar World Cup gay rights march,
"are you in? I'm like, "Yeah,
I love the gays. Where is it?"
She goes, "Soho."
I'm like, "Hold on.
"Ain't Soho, like, the gay capital?
"Like, why are they marching
in their own ends?
"That don't make no sense, like."
Do you know what I mean?
Like, gay rights march in Soho,
that's like me doing a Black Lives
Matter march in Nigeria,
do you know what I'm saying?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Can you imagine? Imagine me
turning up in Lagos, like,
"Yeah, man, we shall overcome."
They'll be like, "Overcome who?
"It's just us here, bro.
What are you talking about?
"It's just us and Stacey Dooley.
"There's no threat here.
We're super safe."
I got to go. You guys have been
great, man. But, honestly, like,
I just feel like the world's
going a bit mad, isn't it?
So we got to help as many people
as we can, you know what I mean?
But I do feel like people are
really selfish with their issue.
They kind of want you to focus
on the thing that's affecting them.
So no matter how good you do,
someone somewhere feels slighted
cos you're not focusing on them
in that current moment, right?
So me and Suse, we went to this
diabetes awareness rally, yeah?
She picks 'em, innit?
So, anyway, I'm at the rally
with her. It was great.
It was super educational about
Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes.
I'm super glad I went,
but as I'm there,
someone takes a picture of me at the
rally and they put it on Instagram,
yeah? Then some random person
DM's me saying, "Listen, Andrew,
"I've seen that you're at
a diabetes awareness rally,
"but how comes I've never seen you
at a cancer research one?"
He goes For real, he goes,
"I have cancer.
"Do people like me
not matter to you?" Right?
So I just said to this guy, "I'm so
sorry for what you're going through.
"I'm going to pray for you.
But trust me when I tell you this,
"I'm not here on
a mother Teresa vibe, bro.
"I'm at the diabetes awareness rally
because I'm attracted to big women,
"do you understand?"
Thank you, guys! My name's
Andrew Mensah! Take care!
See you soon! Bye-bye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Andrew Mensah!
Are you ready
for your next Christmas present?
CHEERING
She's genuinely
one of my favourite acts.
She's absolutely brilliant.
Please welcome to the stage
the wonderful Harriet Kemsley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Happy Christmas!
How are we doing? Are we OK?
CHEERING
Yes!
It's very nice to be here.
I've had a bit of a time,
the last couple of years.
I had a big break-up. I think it's
hard to be single at Christmas.
I've been trying to do, like,
nice things for myself.
Recently I went and got my
first-ever massage
with a happy ending.
Yeah. Pretty exciting. Yeah.
And the masseuse said it was
the best handjob he'd ever had.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. And the most surprising.
So we're doing OK.
I've gone to this spa, you know,
to try and feel good about myself.
And I sat in the steam room
on my own, and I was like,
"Yeah, you know what? I feel good.
I'm starting to feel body confident.
"I think I'm ready to get
back out there and date again,"
just sat in this steamer on my own,
and then the door
of the steam room opened,
and this woman peered in
and the steam cleared,
and she looked at me and she went,
"Tony?"
LAUGHTER
And I was like, "I'm not Tony!"
And then, to be fair,
I saw the guy afterwards, who
I guess was Tony - absolute spit.
Me and Tony separated at birth.
It was crazy.
So, yeah, it feels mad
to be single again.
Like, last time I was single,
I was in my early 20s.
Like, now well into my 30s,
you know?
So I'm single for the first time
in my life
with things like self esteem.
It's crazy.
Like, in my early 20s, a guy
turned up for a date on a moped
and I was like,
"Jesus Christ, it's a businessman."
My standards are so low,
I got a pizza off the back,
I was like, "This is great,"
you know?
Cos dating is different now.
It's different.
My friend was telling me
it's different.
Like, you've got to know your type.
Like, my friend,
she's got a Labrador boyfriend,
you know, that means he's like
Like, he's really, like,
enthusiastic, like a Labrador.
And that makes sense
cos I've actually
previously only dated rescues.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, that's my type. Yeah.
I take them in,
I give them a loving home,
and then they have to be destroyed.
LAUGHTER
Too bitey.
So my friend was like, "Right,
if you want to meet someone now,
"you're a bit older,
what you need to do
"is you need to go out in person,
on your own, to a bar,
"get dressed up, sit down and try
and get eye contact with a guy."
And so I went to this bar
and I sat down for what I will say
was quite a while. And eventually
I got eye contact with this guy,
and he was quite cute, and I was
like, "Oh, my God, it's happening."
We were, like, looking at each
other. And I was like, "Oh, my God."
And then he started to come over
and I was like, "It's happening."
And then he went, "Oh, excuse me,
is that seat taken?"
And I was like, "No."
And he took it.
LAUGHTER
So I was nervous
to get back out there.
And my friend was like,
"Harriet, a heads up.
"Dating is different now.
It's different out there.
"You don't know."
A lot of you guys won't know this,
you're happily in relationships,
you won't know
what it's like out there.
My friend was like,
"Harriet, it's different.
"Men are into choking now."
And I was like, "What?"
And she was like, "See ya."
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
what do you mean?"
She's like, "It's a fun thing.
You just have to go with it."
So I was like, "Oh, my God!"
The first time I went home
with a guy. I was like,
"OK, you're just going to go
with it. Men are into choking.
"It's like a fun thing.
You're just going to go with it."
And so I went home with this guy,
it started to get hot and heavy,
my friend was like,
"It's just a fun thing,
"You just got to go with it."
It started to get hot and heavy
and I was like,
"OK, you just got to go with it,
"men are into choking."
And so I swallowed a bit of Lego.
LAUGHTER
I was like
COUGHS
"Is it sexy?"
The rumours are true.
I think people aren't
always aware of it.
Like, men aren't always aware of,
like, what's going on in our heads.
Like, I was in a taxi in the summer,
and they've been talking a lot
about drink spiking,
and we were listening to this
really inappropriate radio show
about drink spiking,
just me and this old taxi driver.
And he was like,
"Oh, it's mad about
all this drink spiking, isn't it?"
And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
And he was like,
"It's crazy how they
get away with it."
And I was like, "Yeah, no, I know."
And then he was like,
"Oh, I forgot to ask, uh,
would you like a bottle of water?"
LAUGHTER
I was like,
"No, absolutely not. No."
I don't know, do we have
anyone here that's divorced?
Give me a cheer.
CHEERING
Yeah, we've got a few divorcees in.
Yeah, we've got a certain look,
you know, we've seen some stuff.
I'm trying to find,
like, my divorce crowd, you know.
I asked this one woman if she was
divorced, and she said, "Yeah."
And I was like, "Oh, cool."
And she was like,
"Well, not really. I'm widowed."
And I was like,
"That's not the same thing."
I was like, "That's not the same
thing at all." I was like,
"If anything, you've lost the best
bit about getting divorced,
"you know, which is wishing
your ex is dead."
You lost that.
I don't know about you guys,
I got divorced quite recently.
I got something called
a no-fault divorce.
It means you can do it
quite quickly.
It's called a no-fault divorce.
But it is his.
It is his. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's
nowhere to put that on the form,
though, so I'm just having
to perform at the Apollo
at Christmas-time just to let
everyone know that it is his.
Yeah, it is his.
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
What's been really fun
about my divorce
is that nobody has said, "Oh,
but you were so good together."
Not a single person has said that.
That's fun, isn't it? Yeah.
People can be rude about divorce.
I've had people say to my face,
"I just think divorce is too easy."
Like, "I think it's too easy."
Like, I disagree.
I think marriage is too easy,
you know?
You can get married drunk in Vegas.
Like, I think you should be able
to get divorced in Vegas.
You know what I mean? Like,
you go to Vegas with your partner,
you get wasted,
you look at each other,
and you think, "We could do better."
you know? Then Elvis divorces you.
You know, I think that would be fun.
I think it'd be fun,
and he'd get it, you know?
He had a difficult marriage
and a lot going on
and had to deal
with his wife's puberty.
LAUGHTER
Few Elvis fans in. OK!
So, yeah, it's, uh
I would love to get married again,
I would, I would love
to get married again.
My ex, he proposed on Christmas Eve,
and I just always thought
that was so romantic.
But a friend said to me,
"That's really unoriginal.
"Like, everyone
gets engaged at Christmas."
And I was, like, so offended.
I was like,
"When do you want me to get engaged
so it's original?
"Remembrance Sunday?"
LAUGHTER
You know, so gets down
on one knee at 10:59,
does it quickly, and then
just stares at me for one long,
silent minute.
LAUGHTER
The best thing that's come out of
the relationship is my daughter.
We have a wonderful daughter
and that's the best thing.
It's hard doing this job
with a child, though.
We e had to start using
baby-sitters quite quickly.
So, first time we had to use
a baby-sitter, I was so worried.
The baby-sitter was so sweet
but her English wasn't great
and I left, and I was, like, crying.
And then I was like, "I know,
I'll just message and check in
and see how she's doing
"and that'll make me feel better.
"I'll just message and say,
like, 'Is she sleeping?'
"And that will make me feel better."
And so I messaged and I said,
"Is she sleeping?"
And she replied,
and I think she meant to say yes,
but her English wasn't great,
so what she wrote was,
"Her eyes shut, she no move."
LAUGHTER
And then she followed it up
with the most terrifying message
you've ever received.
"She angel now."
LAUGHTER
Little angel emoji. I was like,
"Oh, my God, what do you mean?!"
LAUGHTER
I think having a child
does change your perspective.
Like, I remember my mum
saying to me
that I was her greatest achievement
and I just thought,
"That is so sad." You know,
particularly for my brother.
LAUGHTER
But we had my daughter. I had
my daughter around Christmas-time,
and it was
Christmas-time around Covid,
so it was a weird time to have her.
And I was so worried
she was going to get sick,
like my little precious baby
with her new immune system.
And I took her back to Kent
for Christmas
when she was only a few days old.
And my mum,
I think she was trying to be helpful
and but what she said was,
"Harriet, don't worry about it, OK?
"The baby came out of your vagina,
"so she will have picked up
a lot of bacteria from there."
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
And I think she meant it nicely
but it felt pointed, you know.
But I have my daughter,
and my waters didn't break,
so she came out in the amniotic sac.
But we didn't know that at the time.
So she looked like an alien squid.
The midwife was with her father
and I said,
"Oh, what does she look like?"
And he went, "Uh, don't worry
about it, we'll see."
I said, "What do you mean,
we'll see?" And he was like,
"Let's just get it out
and then we'll deal with it."
LAUGHTER
I thought parenting
would be more straightforward,
like, I thought it would
be more linear.
Like, we live in south London
on the border of quite a fancy area,
and my daughter got invited recently
to go to this, like,
private gallery screening.
It was, like, quite posh.
And we went along and all the
toddlers sat down and the lady said,
"As you can see, this lady
is hanging out in a park.
"Where do you children
like to hang out?"
And one of them put their hand up
and said, "Japan."
LAUGHTER
Another one put their hand up
and said, "The Nile."
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
where would my daughter say?
"Like, where did we last hang out?"
And before I could stop her,
she put her hand up and she went,
"All Bar One!"
LAUGHTER
So, yeah, it's been weird.
It's been weird to date again.
It's hard to date again.
I had this trip over to Australia
planned earlier in the year,
and I was like, "Right, I'm going
to try and I'm going to date.
"That's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to date."
So I was at the airport
before I went to Australia,
just looking at all the condoms,
and I was like,
"Right, I'm going to get condoms.
I'm a strong, independent lady,
"I'm going to buy condoms."
But then they were all, like,
the fun ones, you know?
And I looked in the corner,
there was the extra safe,
and I was like, "I'm a mother.
I should really get extra safe."
But then I bought them
and I googled it
and they're no safer
than any other condoms.
It's all a lie. The only reason
that they're safer
is that no-one wants to fuck you
when you turn up
with extra safe condoms,
cos you look like such a nerd.
When you turn up and you're like,
"I got extra safe, everybody"
Not everybody. Not everybody.
LAUGHTER
I don't know. I do
I kind of wish I could just be
a tiny little bit more
like Bonnie Blue.
Just a tiny little bit more like
her, you know,
cos I get too attached.
I'd get too attached, you know,
I'd fall in love with number one.
LAUGHTER
You know what I mean?
Number two would be inside me,
and I'd be like, "Did number one
mention me on the way out?"
LAUGHTER
"Do you think he's going to call?"
LAUGHTER
It's hard to stay body confident
as well.
Like, it's hard.
There's so much pressure.
Apparently, the average woman
in America now spends $15,000
in her lifetime on make-up.
Like, it's so much money.
And, like, what a waste of make-up.
You know, like,
you could get two boob jobs
for that.
Not looking at your face, are they?
No. No, no. They're looking
at your six boobs.
LAUGHTER
Four on the front, two on the back,
let's go, pretty good time!
LAUGHTER
You guys have been so nice.
You never really know.
I was standing outside my show
the other night,
and there was a woman
wearing a Harvard jumper,
and I was like, "Oh, my God, I don't
know if my crowd went to Harvard."
And I was like,
"Did you go to Harvard?"
And she was like, "No."
And I was like, "Oh, thank God,
"cos my crowd isn't
people who went to Harvard,
"but it is people that spent 8.99 on
a jumper in H&M that says Harvard.
"They're my people."
APPLAUSE
Thanks so much, everybody.
I hope you have a wonderful
rest of your evening.
Happy Christmas, everybody!
Thank you! Goodbye!
Harriet Kemsley!
CHEERING
- Have we had a good night?
- AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Can we have a huge round of applause
for Andrew Mensah!
CHEERING
Harriet Kemsley!
CHEERING
Josh Widdicombe.
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING CONTINUES