American Dad s20e02 Episode Script

1
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
[THERAPIST] Going to couples
therapy can be uncomfortable,
and talking first is scary,
but this is a safe space.
Who would like to begin?
[CLEARS THROAT] There is something
that's been bothering me, Dr. Faye.
Go ahead.
Larry Bird and Big Bird,
both birds,
both big, both yellow.
Is that why they're called that?
Is it a joke?
Does this relate to your marriage?
- Does it have to?
- I'll go.
For starters, I wanted to come
to regular couples therapy,
not CIA couples therapy.
This is the only place I can talk
openly about what I do for work.
Plus, it's free.
It's free, right?
His work is the problem.
He's always on a mission,
or planning a mission.
He never has time for me.
- That's a negative.
- No, it's true
Oh.
Look, I sympathize, but we've got
a big mission on the horizon.
Oh, you're not being unreasonable
about the big mission,
are you, Francine?
It's not leaving any time for us.
How's the sex?
We're having a ton of sex.
Okay sex.
- You hear that, boys?
- [MEN CHEER OVER EARPHONES]
[MAN] Stan!
Is Stan helping with the children?
Nah. I don't do much for 'em either.
Are you at least watching
prestige television together?
Yeah, some thought provoking stuff.
Slow Horses.
Then what more do you need
from this valuable, busy agent?
There's something that I want us to do,
but Stan is dismissive.
I'm not dismissive.
Unless it's that one thing. It's weird.
It's weird.
Francine, what is it?
Flumes.
Flumes?
Like log flumes.
The rides.
What the hell? These things?
Yeah, I'd like to read about 'em,
research them, ride them, of course.
I like the gentle knocking around of
the log as it flows down the channel.
We call that trucking.
Who calls that trucking?
Fellow flume enthusiasts.
Or flumies.
We like to gather in cyberspace on a
web board called the Flume Flume Room.
Stan is right.
- It's weird.
- Yes!
Still, though I'm not a doctor
and can't prescribe medication,
I am going to prescribe that you, Stan,
take one flume ride with Francine
as an act of placation.
Yes! Placate me!
You're not a doctor?
No, but it's fine.
I'm married to one.
That's how I got the job.
- My love!
- My king!
[BOTH MOANING]
All my doctors are kissing.
[TV HOST] Next up, on Prank My Dracula.
[IN SING-SONG VOICE] Mail's here.
[GASPS] The mail song!
Mm. No, no, no. Not today, Jeffrey
Because we've got
a wrong address ♪
I'll have to mark it
as wrong address ♪
Yes! Uh!
I'll address the mailman ♪
Impress upon the mailman ♪
That the address on this mail ♪
Man, is the wrong address ♪
Uh! Yeah! Hey!
Ah! Yeah! Whoo!
Oh, girl it's the wrong ♪
Actually, and I hate to interrupt.
Wrong Address,
you have no idea.
But I think the name on this
is one of my personas.
Van Donnegan Dietz. Yep.
So, what's his story? What's his deal?
I have no idea.
I remember the name,
but nothing else about him.
It's from the Bank of Langley.
"Dear Mr. Dietz, you have not visited
your safety deposit box in years.
"In accordance with yada, yada, yada.
You have one week to
claim the contents."
Ooh. A safety deposit box.
There could be something
of incredible value inside.
Like jewels,
or one of those secret recipes.
Like the recipe for Coke.
Or the recipe for Mrs. Fields
chocolate chip cookies!
Mrs. Fields?
Mrs. Fields is a very beautiful woman.
What if it's Mrs. Fields old panties.
Oh, my!
We've got to get in
that safety deposit box,
because if I know Van Donnegan Dietz,
and I don't,
it's definitely those panties.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
I'm so excited we're doing this!
It isn't the greatest flume.
Class-C standard kit.
But it does have a
reverse turntable load in.
There's only 26 of those
left in the world.
Actually 25.
They just shut down Amenhotep's
curse at Lanceton Park.
Hey, he's a creep, like you.
- Stan!
- A a creep about flumes.
Okay, baby.
I'm gonna talk you through this.
We're getting onto what we flumies call
a wet belt.
- [STAN] Ooh!
- Right?
Now, we ease into the juice.
This is called the Let Go.
[STAN] Ooh, la la!
Well, if you'd like that,
get ready for a bunch of Old Lanterns.
[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Bonjour,
Monsieur Jackal.
This is the front desk
calling to tell you
we are sending up a complimentary
bottle of, uh, French wine.
You're working?
My bellboy, Jean Rene, is at the door.
He's a harmless boy.
Let him in.
- [GUNSHOTS]
- [AGENT] Got him, Stan.
And the big mission
draws one step closer.
At least you didn't miss the drop.
We gotta put away
the old tactical laptop,
stuff the headphones in there
No need to make it neat.
We're done? Thank God.
I called an Uber as soon as we got here,
and it's been waiting in the parking lot,
just surging like crazy.
- Ow!
- Whoops. I get you there?
Is this Langley Bank?
- It is?
- Oh!
It's me. Van Donnegan Dietz.
A customer.
I'm coming in to access
my safety deposit box.
Wanted to know what I need to bring,
besides myself, of course.
[LAUGHING HEARTILY]
An ID? Oh, I can whip up one of those.
No problem.
What else?
A key?
And if I can't find the key?
You have security questions?
Oh, okay.
This will be easy, because I'm me.
Birthplace? Don't know.
Mother's maiden name? Uh, next.
Favorite pizza? Arizona style.
Okay? Okay.
- [BEEPS]
- What did they say?
They said we need the key, basically.
You're back.
How was
What was that dumb thing
you were gonna do?
The flume.
Oh, yeah, the kooky flume.
I went on it.
And you worked the whole time.
I'm sorry, were there hidden
proviso's in the agreement?
You said you wanted me
to ride a flume, and I did.
In my fashion.
Just forget it.
It's fine.
It's fine? She says it's fine.
Fine means good.
This marriage is cured.
[DINGS]
Well, now that we're wrapped up,
I gotta do recon for the big mish.
Be back in two, or three, or ten days.
Was that the sex bell?
- [OBJECTS CLATTERING]
- [BOTH MOANING]
-
- [BIRDS CAWING]
Huh. Francine's suitcase is gone.
And all of her pink dresses.
Leaving only her rarely
seen yellow dresses.
Big Stan, I've been practicing and
I can almost do a backflip. Watch.
Not now, Special K.
Have you seen Francine?
She's not with you?
She's been gone the whole time.
- "The whole time"?
- Uh
Didn't you say you dudes
were in couples therapy?
- Yeah. Why?
- Bro
Everyone who goes to couples
therapy gets divorced.
- She said everything was fine.
- Oh, Stan.
Fine means bad.
Read the writing on the wall, bro.
Francine left you.
Francine left me?
A back flip will cheer you up.
Oh, God! Oh, no!
Man, we've been looking for the
safety deposit key for days.
At first it was fun, because I found
that nummy old Nilla Wafer.
But as time passes, I'm finding
fewer and fewer Nilla Wafers!
Kids, do you know
where your mother went?
- Did she say?
- Francine left Stan.
She finally had enough
of his no-good antics.
- We don't know that.
- Mom left?
It was a long time coming.
Maybe she's in the basement.
She's been down there
a lot doing laundry.
Probably getting her wardrobe
ready for her new life.
- I am setting you down.
- Aw!
Mom hasn't done laundry this week.
[SNIFFS] I smell like ass.
Yes, you all do.
Then what was she doing in the basement?
Big Stan and Special K back on the case.
The old family computer.
Is this what you've been doing
down here, Francine?
[MOUSE CLICKS]
Check her search history.
The only site she visits
is the Flume Flume Room.
- [MOUSE CLICKS]
- What am I even looking at?
I'll say.
Royal blue text against sky blue.
There's no pop, no zaza zoo.
"List your top ten flumes.
Best pocket ponchos.
List your top 11 flumes?"
"Welcome, Pink Flumingo." Her username.
Look, Pink Flumingo commented.
[FRANCINE READING]
What do those letters mean?
Forum abbreviations.
LF means Lonely Flumer.
FHH. Flume Hating Husband?
You pulled those up fast.
This Presario still cracks.
- [MOUSE CLICKS]
- [FRANCINE] "You've got five minutes
"to live. Do use solo Nightmare Niagara
or Dudley Do Right's, Ripsaw Falls?"
She has 40,000 posts like this.
Who's this guy who keeps
replying to all of her comments?
"Logthario"?
[KLAUS] "If I was there,
you wouldn't be solo,
we'd be FF."
Uh-oh!
You know what that means.
FF means Flume Friends.
Double uh-oh.
You know what that means.
"Hey, Pink Flumingo, check your DMs."
Hey, Stan, I'm on the Internet, too.
I'm looking for information
on Van Donnegan Dietz.
Ow! No!
[STAN] It's all just
conversations with Logthario.
- A lot.
- [GASPS] Cybering.
It's an affair.
No, it's just flume talk.
But every day
multiple times a day
Ooh! It's an emotional affair.
They keep talking about some
guy named E. Carmack Dufresne.
I address you today not
as E. Carmack Dufresne,
scion of Dufresne
Petrochemical Corporation,
but as a humble,
important man seeking to make amends,
DPC made the world's cookware non-stick.
But while everyone marveled at fried
eggs sliding nicely onto plates,
our chemicals made the rivers burn,
the oceans turn sour
and the rain fall as acid.
With all this wealth,
how then can I set things right?
Give it away to environmental groups?
I'm building a big flume.
I'm calling the ride
Row-An-Oak,
which is a cute reference to that
Virginia colony that disappeared.
So it's in Virginia, then?
- No, its location is a secret.
- Okay.
But I'll give you one
teensy little clue.
- Mon
- It's a reggae themed flume!
Get me two tickets to Jamaica.
But Row-An-Oak wasn't found in Jamaica,
or anywhere else.
Dufresne disappeared shortly
after this press conference,
leaving the world with more
questions than answers.
That's it for Rad Mart against
totally un-boring history.
Like and subscribe and check out
my OnlyFans for the same content,
but I'm in a hot tub.
[SCOFFS] Dufresne's some '70s nut job.
Six days ago, Logthario writes, "PF,
I found the location of Row-An-Oak.
"I don't trust the mods.
Can I get your number so we can text?"
He's making a play for the digits.
Tell me she didn't give them.
- [MOUSE CLICKS]
- She did.
That was the last message.
They're together!
You've got to stop this emotional
affair before it turns physical.
Then it looks like to save my marriage
I've got to find the
lost flume of Row-An-Oak.
[ROGER] Internet says who
Van Donnegan Dietz is.
He's a retired songwriter,
and he lives at
Of course, a rest home for old
songwriters. So that's where
- [MOUSE CLICKS]
- Ow! My eye!
Gentlemen, this is it.
The big mission.
At 1700 hours, our stealth chopper
enters North Korean airspace.
Mon! Montana!
Let me use the satellite a little bit.
[BEEPING]
You've gone so far from
where I was looking.
[STAN] Pink Flumingo.
- Sir, I need the Black Hawk.
- Now?
During mission launch?
I also have to have
the night vision goggles,
the guns, the cool backpacks,
and let's say 15K in slush cash.
May I ask what the reason is?
It's private.
I respect the hell out of privacy.
Take everything!
What about the big mission, sir?
Who cares?
- [INTERCOM BEEPS]
- Moneypenny, get me my reading glasses,
a cozy blanket,
and Agent Smith's confidential
couples counseling file.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
We wrote the songs that
made the whole world sing ♪
We wrote the songs and
now it's time to die ♪
We're here to see Van Donnegan Dietz.
Mr. Dietz was in our Bacharach wing,
but he hasn't been here in years.
Did he leave any of his personal
effects that I could rifle through?
Oh, great. I hate to wait.
- [SUSPENSEFUL STINGER PLAYS]
- [STEVE] That's him.
Do you remember him now, Roger?
Nothing. But look at this.
The safety deposit box key!
Jeff's so excited.
Cortana, fly home.
[CORTANA] I didn't quite catch that.
- Aha! I caught you!
- Stan?
- How did you know
- Where is Logthario?
Where's that little splash
mountain sex maniac?
Ugh. I think he's on the ride.
- I'm trying to find him.
- And cheat with him?
[GROANS] I know you want to talk,
and I sympathize,
but I've got a big mission.
[GASPS DRAMATICALLY]
Oh, that Stan.
He gets me so mad!
[E. CARMACK'S RECORDED VOICE]
Here you leave a wicked world behind
to drift into a song of
water and divine recreation.
This is Row-An-Oak.
[ANNOUNCEMENT IN SPANISH]
I'm really here.
Me, Francine.
Just a simple,
very beautiful girl on Row-An-Oak.
Let us turn back the hands of time.
[CONTINUES DISTORTEDLY]
realms of the forest.
Primeval
[FRANCINE] Gorgeous terrain.
Hot dip,
galvanized steel flanged and bolted?
Ooh! This is top quality fluming.
I found an oar.
Get out of here, Stan.
Leave me alone!
Oh, so you can cuckold me
in here with Logthario?
Does not the Bible teach us that a
husband should be a woman's Logthario?
Stan, I'm here because Logthario
hasn't responded to my texts.
He's MIA, and I'm worried he's
stranded somewhere on this ride.
I'm just trying to rescue him.
Oh, and and what is MIA?
Flume code for Man And Ass?
Oh, for crying out loud.
We've never even met.
Then, I think, and this is a term
and concept that Klaus created,
I can't take credit,
that you're having an emotional affair.
Maybe. Maybe. Yeah.
I'm right. Goody.
Stan, the therapy,
the trip to Six Flags All of it.
I've been trying to have
an emotional affair with you,
but you won't show up.
[STAN] Huh.
That was nice.
That's called a Baby Bump, right?
Yeah. How do you know that?
- Flume Flume Room.
- Oh.
[RECORDED VOICE SCRATCHING]
- Row, row, row, row, row, row, row.
- [POWERS DOWN]
That was weird.
Francine, did you leave me?
I planned on coming back,
but maybe a part of me didn't want to.
That sucks.
I'm sorry.
No, it's the truth.
But the way the river winds through
the trees, it takes the sting out.
- Anything else?
- Stan
You're the most selfish
man I've ever known.
And it's made me very tired.
[STAN] Brutal.
[E. CARMACK'S RECORDED VOICE]
The earth is swollen,
groaning under the weight
of miserable millions.
A Malthusian dilemma
with only one remedy.
You are brought into this life
born on a river of sacred water.
And now you must leave the same way.
You must die.
What's that last thing?
Escape is now impossible.
So just go with the flow. [LAUGHS]
And the final drop
will kill you shortly.
[RECORDING CONTINUES IN SPANISH]
Can we get past the barbed wire?
Looks tricky.
Arret! Don't go up de drop now!
Pink Flumingo?
You came, you beauty!
- Logthario?
- In the flesh, mon ami.
You have a thick Cajun accent.
That doesn't translate online.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Maybe now's not the time,
but I find the way you talk off putting.
I like it.
I am utterly, shockingly disarmed
by this enchanting patois.
Is this the flume hating husband?
[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
In the flesh, mon ami.
Van Donnegan Dietz?
In the flesh, mon ami.
And I have the key.
This is it. Whoever this persona is,
the answer has to be in here.
[ROGER] "'Finale Ride Music.'
Composed for E. Carmack Dufresne
Secret Flume Project.
Van Donnegan Dietz, 1979."
Does this bank have a record player?
Wow, this is a great bank.
Oh, it's a Crosley.
Well, that's fine. It's cute, right?
Cell phone don't work.
And the current back that way
is strong as a Tom Tom swamp gator.
Ain't no way out.
Francine,
I'm going to do the final drop.
What? No!
You're gonna fool Kujan now?
No, Logthario.
I am not Kujan at all.
Unless Kujan means risking my life
to see if this could be a way out.
For what it's worth, Francine,
I'm no longer an FHH.
I love flumes.
Or at least I love riding them with you.
Oh, Stan!
And Logthario, if I die,
you find another way out,
you marry Francine and
you raise my children
in your humble bayou shack.
- [MUSIC PLAYING]
- Stan, wait!
We started this ride together.
We end it together.
The trees of the earth ♪
Drink the water ♪
And I drink the blood of man ♪
And I drink the blood of man ♪
High in the roots ♪
Rise the water ♪
And I drink the blood of man ♪
Now I drink the blood of man ♪
The leaves unfurl with the water ♪
And I drink the blood of man ♪
Now I drink the blood of man ♪
In the air and the
sky is the water ♪
On this ride, you must die ♪
It's the plan ♪
Well? Remember anything?
You know what?
Now that I've heard the song
It just doesn't ring a bell.
None of it. The song sucked, I thought.
You can throw all of this away.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
You did it!
[LAUGHING WILDLY]
You completed my flume!
Oh, my God. It's him!
E. Carmack Dufresne?
Was it too scary?
I wanted it to feel real.
What are you doing down here?
I was this close to opening the ride
when I got very into ketamine therapy,
as well as the regular non-therapeutic
practice of doing lots of ketamine.
And I just flat out lost track of time.
But that's boring.
You know what's fun?
A memento to remember your trip.
Look, I got a picture of you two
lovebirds going down. [LAUGHS]
It's $20. But who can put a price
on priceless memories?
What's that you're holding up there?
Oh, it's just a small device.
We won't be purchasing a picture today.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[FRANCINE] That's boring.
Drag and drop, then upload.
Look at us.
- [STAN] Muah!
- [BEEP]
Aw, Logthario liked it!
He must have made it out,
even though we forgot to
tell anyone he was in there.
Help! I caught a wicked
virus on E. Baum's World.
I just wanted to see an old lady
get launched off a treadmill
and now I'm gonna die.
- [MOUSE CLICKS]
- No!
Bye, bye! See you soon!