Live at The Apollo (2004) s20e02 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
your host for tonight, Mo Gilligan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Olly! Olly! Olly!
Oi! Oi! Oi!
Olly! Olly! Olly!
Oi! Oi! Oi!
Olly! Olly! Olly!
Oi! Oi! Oi!
Reset! Olly! Olly! Olly!
Oi! Oi! Oi!
How we doing, London Town?
Are you lot all right? Are you good?
CHEERING
Fantastic stuff, man.
So nice to be here at
Live At The Apollo in Hammersmith.
You're looking fantastic.
Can I get a little "woo",
ladies and gentlemen?
Woo!
Yeah, man!
Now, listen, right?
When I started doing TV, 2016,
right, people would often say to me,
yeah, they're like,
"Mo, you've only got this job,
you've only won a BAFTA
"because you're ticking a box.
"That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, you're ticking a box.
"It's because of diversity."
So tonight I'm going to give you
the most blackest show
I've ever given you, OK?
We're going to say all the black
words that never get to make it
on TV. Look at all the black people.
"Finally, bruv, this is
what we've been fighting for, bro."
I might say bloodfire.
Can I get a "woo"?
Woo!
I might even say bloodclat.
That's right.
You liked that one, didn't you?
"Oh, gosh. Oh, my gosh. It's like
Notting Hill in here, isn't it?"
LAUGHTER
And if you're lucky,
I might even give you a bombaclat.
Can I get a "oo-ooh"?
Oo-ooh!
South Londoners are loading up
the invisible gun,
like, "Yo, blood, hurry up,
hurry up, bro. Hurry up."
Listen, when I first started doing
TV, yeah, because
this is the gun finger, yeah?
If you're not familiar with this,
this is what we call a gun finger,
right?
Now, sometimes you get a negative
connotation that comes with
the gun finger.
Do you know what I mean?
You know, you get negative
connotation, man.
But that's not true. You can use it
for the positive, my friend.
Do you know what I mean?
"What's going on, bruv?
Happy birthday. Brrrt!"
You can do stuff like this.
You can use it for the sad.
"Oh, what's going on, Jerome?"
"Oh, bro, my dog died."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that,
man. Yeah, man.
"But it's all right. Listen, he's
going to be looking down on you
"from heaven, you know what I mean?
Ruff, ruff."
You can do stuff like this
with the gun finger, yeah?
Listen, the South London comes out
at times when it shouldn't come out
for me, yeah?
I go to church, people, yeah?
I go to Hillsong in Golders Green,
right?
And that's not a place where
we should have a gun finger, madam.
We should not have gun fingers,
right?
But when the spirit is inside you
and the pastor said,
"If you can feel Jesus Christ,
put your hands in the air,"
I'm like, "Gun!
"Oh, whoops.
"Oopsie."
But, no,
I love living in London, man.
You know,
recently there was a debate.
I don't know if you guys
are familiar with this.
There was a debate recently,
and they said, "Is London safer now,
"or was it safer ten years ago?"
Right? Now, I don't know,
I don't know.
I think London is safer now,
personally.
Do you know what I mean?
Because we don't really have crime,
you know, especially in Central
London where we are right now.
There's no real crime.
Do you know what I mean?
You know, don't get me wrong,
we get some pickpocketers.
We get some pickpocketers, yeah?
But the beautiful thing
about living in this city,
yeah, Londoners,
we will mind our business.
That's what we will do. We will
see someone getting pickpocketed,
and instead of speaking up,
what do we do?
We go, "Right, let me
hold my phone a bit tighter."
LAUGHTER
"Bro, they're really out here
stealing."
Like, I don't know
if you guys have seen,
they got this one lady on TikTok.
Have you seen this woman?
"Attention, there is pickpocket!"
Have you seen this lady?
Don't snitch.
Let people pickpocket in peace.
LAUGHTER
The most recent crime I see in
Central London is phone snatching,
yeah? That's the real crime, yeah?
Look at some of you right here,
you know, some people got the little
thing on their wrist and stuff.
You know what I mean? Got your phone
connected to your wrist
like a briefcase in Ocean's Eleven,
do you know what I mean?
You know, I don't know, man.
Listen, I kind of like the
phone snatchers. You know why?
Because that's a man who says, "I'm
going to rob and steal at 2pm."
Do you know how crazy that is,
that he puts on a balaclava at 2pm
and snatches your phone,
but he doesn't do it on foot?
He doesn't do it on foot!
He does it on an electric bike!
The fact that
your phone just goes "whoop"!
And you can just hear
the bike going
HE IMITATES ELECTRIC BIKE
That's a man who says, "You know
what? I don't care about society.
"I don't care about society."
And you say, "Why?"
"Because I'm here to rob and steal.
I don't care about society."
"What do you care about?"
"My carbon footprint,
so let me just load up this bike."
But this is the top tier
of comedy, people, yeah?
This is Live At The Apollo,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is the highest that you can get
when it comes to doing comedy,
you know? And I'm so pleased tonight
to be able to host.
I really, really am. You know,
when you first start doing comedy,
people say,
"Mate, what you want to do,
"you know, you want to get on
Live At The Apollo."
You're like, "I will, man. Why
are you talking like Ray Winstone?
"Why are you talking like this,
man?"
And here I am, you know,
I've been able to do this before,
but life wasn't like this.
This was not my comedy journey,
ladies and gentlemen.
I started doing comedy
on the black circuit, right?
That's right. You have two circuits.
You have the mainstream circuit
and the black circuit.
Now, the mainstream circuit
is very different, right?
Because you have comedy clubs
that run from Monday to Sunday.
And on the black circuit, we
normally get about four shows
a month, right, dotted around
different parts of London.
You know how I came out
earlier on, people,
and I was like, "Olly! Olly! Olly!
Oi! Oi! Oi"?
I tried it,
done a show in Harlesden.
I came out, so much confidence.
I was like, "Hey, what's up?
Olly! Olly! Olly!"
One guy at the back was just like,
"Suck your mum."
LAUGHTER
It was awkward. My mum was there.
She's laughing.
I'm like, "What you laughing for?
He's talking about you."
LAUGHTER
Couldn't do any kind of crowd work,
because crowd work is huge now
for the comedy community.
You know, there's comedians
out there that do crowd work now,
you can put it on Instagram,
YouTube, your clip can go viral.
You can even tour off the back
of crowd work. It's sensational.
Now, in the black community,
especially at black comedy shows,
we don't do any crowd work,
you know.
But I thought,
"Let me break the mould."
Let's say there was someone where
you were sitting, madam, right,
and this lady had a cross on.
I thought, "Perfect. I go to church.
I can connect with this lady.
"She's a woman of God.
She's not going to judge me."
I said, "Hey, what's up?
I see you've got the cross on."
This woman looked at me,
she was like
- DEEP VOICE:
- "Big man, do the jokes."
LAUGHTER
I was afraid for my life. I was
like, "Why is your voice so deep,
"Chantelle? Your voice is deep."
LAUGHTER
But doing this job is great.
It pays very well, you know, it pays
very well. And some people ask me,
they say, "Mo, you're doing
all right for yourself now.
"Let me ask you something.
Does money change you?"
I said, "What? Money change me?
Does money change me?"
Of course, 100%. 100%.
No, money doesn't change you.
Money makes you curious.
I think that's what I believe.
I think money doesn't change you.
It makes you curious.
Because we didn't grow up with
a lot of money.
We grew up poor.
We didn't know we grew up poor,
until you kind of come home
and you get a poor meal,
you know, that's when you come home
and your mum cooks corned beef
and rice, and that's when you come
in from a long day of school,
and you're like, "Oh, we're fucked.
We're There's no money."
Now, when you're ten years old,
you don't understand what it's like
to be poor.
You know, asking my mum for a pound,
I'm like,
"Mum, have you got a pound?"
My mum would say things,
and as a child, you take it
literally, you take it to heart.
I was like,
"Mum, have you got a pound?"
My mum's like, "Listen, I don't
have £2 to rub together right now."
I was like, "You ain't got two?!
"Have you looked in the sofas? Why
you watching Ricki Lake and Kilroy?
"Let's find some money here, man.
How ain't you got two?!
"You got three kids, a house!
"How don't you have £2
to rub together?!
"Actually, furthermore,
where is my child support?
"Where's that money going?
Where's that?"
Because that's what we do,
when you grow up,
you're like, "Where did the child
support money, Mum, go?
"Where's that?
Buying lambrini and cigarettes.
"What do you mean?
Where's the money?"
But growing up poor teaches you
a lot about life, you know?
Buy name-brand food.
We didn't even get to go
to name-brand supermarkets
growing up,
because I believe there was
a league table.
You know, you had your Sainsbury's,
you had your Tesco,
you know, you had Morrisons.
Back in the day, it wasn't called
Morrisons. It was called Safeway.
Yeah? That let all
us poor people know,
"This is the safe way to shop, OK?"
I didn't get to go to
any of these supermarkets.
I went to a supermarket
called Kwiksave.
- Do you guys remember Kwiksave?
- CHEERING
Kwiksave? Don't "woo"!
Listen, Kwiksave was horrible.
Do you know why? I'll tell you why.
Because Kwiksave had their own
branded food, right?
Now And some branded food,
they would call it essentials, yeah?
Do you know what Kwiksave called it?
No Frills.
Do you know how fucked up that is?
That's it. "You're so poor,
there's no frills in this food."
Yeah? We would buy beans.
We didn't know if they were baked
beans, kidney beans, runner beans.
We didn't know what beans
these were.
Yeah? We didn't have
no branded food at all.
And that's OK.
You know, you grow up,
until you go to a friend's house
and they have branded food.
You know, I went to one of
my middle-class friends' house,
you know, they was like, "Mo, Mo,
would you like some Ribena?"
I said,
"Yeah, I'd love some Ribena."
He took out a carton off the fridge.
I said, "Pierre, bruv,
we're both going to get beats.
"What are you doing, bruv?
Put that carton back."
You know, he gave me the juice,
he poured it up to the top,
and then he was like, "Mo, Mo,
would you care for a biscuit?"
I said, "I'd love a biscuit."
He had a biscuit tin.
I said to myself, "If this boy pulls
out a chocolate McVitie's biscuit,
"I'm going to slap his mum
in the chest. There's no way."
We didn't have any branded food,
even biscuits.
We didn't have any branded biscuits.
We grew up poor.
We had biscuits called
"broken biscuits".
LAUGHTER
Are you guys familiar with
what broken biscuits are?
CHEERING
These are the biscuits that are like
Hobnobs that are broken,
pink wafers that are blue.
You've just got all
the injured biscuits.
A custard cream
with no custard, yeah?
The bag was 5kg.
Like, I used to think,
"How does the factory work?"
Like, is it just, like,
two guys that work in a factory
just sweeping up all the biscuits
and they're like,
"Listen, we can't sell those"?
They're like,
"No, no, sweep 'em up, sweep 'em up.
It's all right.
"Mo's mum will buy these."
LAUGHTER
But, no, money doesn't change you.
It makes you curious.
Even for where I'm at in life,
I'm able to,
you know, earn my own money,
have my own living.
You know, I started finding out
secrets, though.
When you have money, you know.
Now I go to the top-tier
supermarkets, yeah?
I be going to Waitrose.
Hey, listen,
middle-class white people,
why do you not tell us
about Waitrose?
There's no security in there!
Hey!
Day one, I was stealing
on the self-checkout.
You can't steal on the
self-checkout if you go to Tesco.
You try to steal - Beep!
They've got a camera there.
Pow! It's right there.
You can't steal nothing.
Day one, I was like,
"Beep!" - one for the bag.
"Beep!" - one for me.
"Beep!" - one for the bag.
"Beep!" - one for me.
You try that in one of these
supermarkets now, you know,
"Seek assistance."
Yeah? The light is flashing.
Now you've got to pretend like you
weren't trying to put fresh mangoes
in your pocket.
They're bulging out.
LAUGHTER
"Oh, excuse me,
I don't know what's going on.
"I don't know what's going on."
And then this guy comes over.
I don't know what piece of paper
he has when he comes and he goes,
"It's all right. It's OK."
Beep! "I steal the mangoes. too."
You're like, "What? I wasn't
stealing mangoes, bro."
LAUGHTER
MO CHUCKLES
Look at some of you, like, "Yeah, I
steal the mangoes as well, you know,
"yeah, yeah, yeah."
LAUGHTER
Yeah. It's different when you go
to some of these middle-class
establishments, man.
Especially going to Waitrose.
I started buying middle-class food,
man. Do you know what I mean?
Because I know the entry level,
you know, when you're middle class,
is quiche. That's where you start.
I started off with quiche.
You know, I'm not just getting
the ham and cheese quiche,
you know, I'm experimenting.
I'm getting spinach quiche,
you know. And then I thought,
"What's this bread that everyone
keeps talking about? Sourdough?"
Oh, my God, why didn't you guys
tell black people about sourdough?
This stuff, at first, it's
disgusting, black people.
At first, sourdough is disgusting,
because sourdough, I'm like, "What
in the ancient Roman bread is this?"
After one day, this bread is like,
"No, I'm so hard. I'm not moving,
"I'm not moving." It's the hardest
bread you've ever felt in your life.
You ever tried to cut
some sourdough, my friend?
You ever tried cutting sourdough?
You're just there
HE IMITATES SAW
Then I asked one of my friends, man.
I said, "Winthorp,
let me ask you something, bro."
LAUGHTER
Why do you lot think I don't
have friends like Winthorp?
You lot looked at me like,
"Nah, that's Jerome, bro.
"They don't know no Winthorp."
I said, "Bro, let me ask you
something. Sourdough bread.
"I don't get it.
I don't get it, man."
You know, and he said to me,
he's like, "No, Mo, no.
"What you've got to do,
you've got to get the sourdough,
"cut a thin slice,
and then you toast it."
I thought, "Oh, OK."
I thought, "Oh, right, cool.
"I get it now." I was like,
"I tried to make a sandwich, man.
"I was chewing
this bread for days, man."
LAUGHTER
He goes, "No, you have to toast it.
You've got to toast it."
So I did. I started toasting it.
And then I was like, "OK, cool.
Like, what do I put on it?
"Like, Flora butter?"
He started laughing.
HE IMITATES POSH LAUGH
"Flora butter! Oh, my gosh, you're
really showing where you grew up,
"don't you? You're really showing
where you're from, aren't you?"
I said, "What do you mean?
What do I put on it?"
And then I discovered Lurpak.
Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER
That stuff is delicious, you know.
Hey, do you know how good Lurpak is?
Listen, if I could invest,
I would sell my house
and put all the stocks in Lurpak.
This is the nicest butter
ever invented.
I can see some middle-class
people like,
"Hold it down, Mo Gilligan."
This butter's delicious.
It's so nice.
Listen, it's expensive.
Don't get me wrong.
£9 for butter. Oh, my God!
I was like, "Listen, I don't know
if I can afford this."
Look at some people right now,
"OK, calm down, Bill Gates."
This is some expensive butter,
but it's delicious, man.
Oh, my God,
I don't waste any drop, boy.
I be like
You know when you get the sides?
I be like, "Listen, man,
it might not fit in the butter,
"but, you know,
I put a little bit on my elbows."
LAUGHTER
The best thing my money's
ever done for me, you know,
and I don't mean to say it
in a way to show off,
it's probably improved my health.
You know, and when I say my health,
my mental health as well,
you know, started going to therapy.
Therapy is one of
the best things ever.
I try my best to promote therapy,
you know,
especially young men as well, man.
Try your best to go to therapy.
- You know what I mean? You know.
- CHEERING
You can clap at that if you want.
It's up to you.
APPLAUSE
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
Nah, I try my best
to go to therapy, man.
Therapy's interesting, though,
because the reason
why I say it's interesting,
I grew up in a community
where we don't like sharing
what's going on in our life,
do you know what I mean?
Like the barbershop,
the hair salon.
That's where you kind of find out
what's going on, you know?
That's where the gossip
really starts, you know?
I could never have heart-to-hearts
with my dad.
My dad came over here
in the '70s by himself,
moved to Brixton,
had to fight racism, you know,
as a Rastafarian, you know?
Trying to tell my dad,
"Hey, Dad. Listen, man, you know,
I'm thinking of going to therapy,
"you know, opening up, trying
to do better for my mental health."
You know, my dad just looked at me
and he just said,
"Why are you gay?"
I was like, "What is?"
"What is wrong with you? You're so
childish, man. You're so childish.
"How do you even know that joke?
How do you?
"What? How do you know that?"
But, no, I went to therapy,
my friend.
And I loved, I loved going
to therapy, man.
It was very hard at first, though,
to open up. Very, very hard.
You know, my therapist would say,
"Mo, you seem like
you're holding back."
I said, "I'm not holding back, man."
You know? She goes, "Open up.
How do you feel?"
I said, "I don't know."
And then she tried to, you know,
she tapped into me.
And this was quite weird, man.
She was like,
"Does your job make you feel
like a superhero?"
And I said, "Oh, OK,
analogies. I love analogies."
I said, "It kind of does
a little bit."
She goes, "Go on, expand."
I said, "Well, listen, man,
doing this job,
"it can make you feel like Batman.
"It can make you put on a cape,
go out at night,
"be the crusader,
make everyone laugh.
"You lift up their spirits.
"But, you know,
daytime, I go back home,
"I'm Bruce Wayne,
I take off the mask,
"and I'm eating sourdough
and Lurpak."
And she goes, "How does
that make you feel, deep down?"
I said, "I don't know, you know,
it makes me feel a little bit down."
She goes, "It's OK.
This is a safe space. Open up.
"Tell me how you feel."
Now, the problem is, when you go to
therapy, one, you're paying for it,
so you do have
to be very, very open.
And, two, you're on the clock.
Now, I didn't know this, right?
So I start opening up and she goes,
"No, it's a safe space. It's OK."
I said, "Listen, I do feel really,
really depressed.
"I feel like sometimes I have
a community on my back,
"and having a community on my back
means that I have to be, you know,
"very, very, you know, sometimes
black, black, black on TV,
"but then sometimes
not too black enough.
"Do you know what I mean?
"So sometimes I'm in this weird
juxtaposition place,
"and that can sometimes make me feel
depressed, you know?"
And she goes, "See, that's where
we are. But do you feel depressed?"
And I said, "Rah,
I actually do feel depressed."
And she looked at me and she goes,
"Well, that's time."
I said, "Rah, put the money
on the fucking clock!
"Are you serious, bro?!"
But, listen, we have a fantastic
show for you lovely people tonight.
Is that all right, people?
CHEERING
So, without further ado,
can I get the claps?
Can we bring it up
a little bit more?
A little bit louder,
a little bit louder!
Please welcome to the stage,
Laura Smyth!
MUSIC: Pump Up The Jam
by Technotronic
Thank you, thank you.
And how are we all doing, Apollo?
CHEERING
Have you all have a good day?
I ain't.
- I've had a bit of bad news.
AUDIENCE:
- Aw!
It's worse than that.
- AUDIENCE:
- Aww!
Listen, I've been doctor's.
I had my BMI checked.
It turns out, I'm too short.
So we're just processing
that as a family.
I keep finishing the kids' dinners.
Do you do that?
I say "I hate waste, I hate waste."
I never finish
their salad or broccoli.
Just sort of eating chicken nuggets
over the bin. Um
I've got three children.
I've got a 23-year-old,
a ten-year-old
and a seven-year-old.
CHEERING
Yeah, different dads. Fuck off.
But the, um
Parenting has changed, though.
It's all changed.
It's all gentrified now.
Parenting's been gentrified.
They all do this gentle parenting.
Have we heard
of this gentle parenting?
Right, I'll explain.
For them that don't know,
gentle parenting is where a
middle-class woman
is getting beaten up
by her son called Oscar. Like
And all she says to Oscar is
AFFECTED MIDDLE-CLASS ACCENT:
"I know you've got big feelings."
That's it. That's all she says.
And my kids wouldn't dare.
Because you know who else
has got big feelings?
Mummy!
Mummy's got big feelings
cos she drank a bottle
of Sauvignon Blanc last night
and she can't control this eyeball.
So get your bloody shoes on!
East London's changed.
But the gentrification,
it gets to you.
It gets to you,
it gets to your kids.
I talk like this,
my family talk like this.
I won't lie to you.
My eldest, she kind of
AFFECTED MIDDLE-CLASS:
She kind of talks like this.
She's a bit like,
"Rah, where's my baccy? Ha-ha!"
I sort of want to break her jaw
for her, if I'm honest.
No
The thing is, like,
she kind of says
They all do, all these young people.
The thing is, when they're little,
you can delude yourself
you're doing quite a good job,
you know?
But they emerge
into those late teens, early 20s,
and you do look at them and think,
"Uh-oh. I might have raised
a prick here."
She kind of says everything
like she just invented it
and she's just checking
you're on board.
You know? She says,
"I'm just going to go upstairs?"
"Like, to bed?"
I'm like, "Yeah, stairs, bed.
I pay for both of them.
"Jog on. Enjoy yourself."
I'll tell you what she talks like.
Have you ever heard
rich American women
order in a restaurant?
They act like they're the first
people People are nodding!
They act like they're the first
people to ever think of doing that.
They go to the waiter,
"I think we're all going to have
the burrata?"
Like the waiter's going to go,
"You what?" You know?
What's going on with burrata,
by the way?
Where's this burrata come from?
I love it! Don't you love it?
Proper mugging off mozzarella,
innit?
It's like, "I'm here now.
Clear off!"
Mozzarella should have made up
its mind.
It's like,
"Are you plastic grated cheese,
"or are you just
in a little wet ball bag?"
"What are you, mozzarella?"
Because burrata knows,
and I love it!
"I'm here now,
you rubbery little freak."
You know what I mean?
It's kind of done what Prosecco
done to Cava about 20 years ago.
Do you remember that?
"I'm the £10 fizz now."
Imagine bringing Cava
to a dinner party nowadays.
You'd get shot, wouldn't you?
Yeah, that's how she talks.
And I'll tell you what,
my daughter,
she knows her rights.
Lads, feminism, we've won.
Ladies, we've won. Feminism's won.
These young women, they need
knocking down a peg or two,
I'll tell you that much.
She knows her rights.
My God, does she know her rights!
What I'm telling you, right,
I found weed in her bedroom.
Long story short,
I apologised to her.
She's like,
"Oh, my God, you've actually
breached a boundary.
"You've actually breached
a boundary,
"and now I feel emotionally
unsafe in my own home.
"Well done, you. You're toxic."
I said, "Well, babes,
I feel stoned."
"I'm sorry.
We'll have to talk about it later."
They're funny, aren't they?
And I think the big one's spoilt.
I'll tell you what,
the little ones are worse.
The little ones are worse.
I took my kids
to Disneyland recently.
SCATTERED CHEERS
Thanks. So patronising!
Who's done Disneyland?
CHEERING
Right, I'm telling you,
I thought I was going to
be cynical about Disney.
Took the kids, they wanted to go.
But something happens
when you get into Disneyland.
I'll tell you what,
you see that purple castle,
you lose your mind!
You go full Disney, don't you?
There's doughnuts shaped
like Mickey Mouse. Nine euros.
I'm like, "Yes, please. Five
of them. What do you want, kids?"
You just go full Disney,
and then Mickey will appear
on a balcony and it's like
they've announced the new Pope.
You're like, "Mickey!
"Mickey, look at me, Mickey!
Mickey, look at me!"
Elbowing Just A Wish kids
out of the way. "Mickey!
"He waved at me!"
You totally forget
it's just some French prick
in a suit that hates you.
And I like to play
a game at Disneyland.
You can do this.
You can have this game.
It's a lot of fun.
I like to guess the nationality
of people, because there are people
there from all over the world.
And it's quite fun
guessing the nationality.
Like, a whole family will rock up,
you know, calf tattoos,
no teeth, on the tins,
Nan in a mobility scooter.
You're like, "Oh, thank God,
some English."
And then there'll be, like,
Spanish or something.
You're like, "Hello.
Cultural appropriation, much?
"We invented that look."
You do, you just lose
your mind at Disney.
You just do too much.
You go full Disney,
too much merch.
It's like Christmas.
That's what it's like.
You know
when you just eat too much,
drink too much, spend too much?
Then January comes and you think,
"What was all that about?"
That's what happens at Disneyland.
And then you get back
on the Eurostar,
and it's like the scales fall away,
you know? You're sort
of three grand in the schtuck,
looking over at your husband, still
with the ears on, thinking, "Oh!
"I will never shag you again."
You know?
Right. We're all mates now,
so I'll tell you,
I've hit the menopause.
CHEERING
I'll tell you what menopause
is like.
It's like being gaslit
by your own body.
That's what it's like.
You know when you're due on,
and you're mad-dog?
You know when you're mad-dog,
when you hate your partner,
you hate yourself,
you hate everyone at work,
but you're paranoid they hate you,
and you feel weird, sick,
anxious, guilty, and in the end
you phone your sister,
and you instantly regret it
because now
she's got something on you?!
And the next day you get
your period and you go, "Oh!
"O-o-oh!"
And you've got to try and be cute
with your other half again.
Like, "Oh, shut up!
"Obviously I weren't going to leave
the kids. Shut up!
"I know, but was I snarling
and throwing things,
"like, in a bantz way?"
But he can't answer
because he's still hiding behind
a bin lid with oven gloves on.
I'm telling you now, that's what
the menopause is like all the time!
All the time!
And that's what it's
like being gaslit by your own body
because you've got all this rage,
you've got all this rage,
and you don't know
if the rage is hormones or if your
husband is, in actual fact,
a stupid, bloody, useless prick
that never bloody listens!
I dunno.
I dunno. And then the hot flushes.
You've got the hot flushes.
Wait, these are insane.
They're mad, aren't they?
They're mad.
Cos what it is, they feel like
embarrassment. All of a sudden,
you're red, you're sweating,
you're hot.
You know,
it feels like embarrassment.
But I've got a theory, right?
That it ain't hormones.
It IS embarrassment.
Listen, it's delayed embarrassment.
It's flashbacks from your 20s
about all the men
you wasted time dating
when you had a
fully-functioning fanny
and brilliant tits.
You're like,
"Oh, my God, I paid for the cab!
"Open a window!
"Oh, my God! He moved his lips
when he read. Ugh!
"He slept under a
duvet with no cover on it. Ugh!
"He had white stuff gathering
there."
AUDIENCE GROANS
"He pronounced it 'pacifically'!"
And that's what,
it's coming back to haunt you.
That's what's going on. But, listen,
there's another symptom.
I don't know if you're there yet,
but I'm there,
and I want to tell you all about it
because it's coming
for all you bitches, OK?
And I did not know when it
happened to me.
I was so shocked
when it happened to me.
I hadn't learned about it in school.
I'd not read about it in books.
Oprah hadn't mentioned it.
Not even Davina McCall
had talked about it,
and she talks about bloody
everything, doesn't she?
Have a day off, Davina.
Anyway, I digress.
It's coming for all you bitches,
right?
And here it is -
vaginal dryness.
Listen, I can't run for a bus.
I'd start a fire.
No, listen, it's hazardous
down there.
Hazardous. They won't let me
in California.
It is hazardous down there, right?
And it's not as if before it happens
you're walking about all cocky,
like,
"Yeah, I'm sopping wet,"
but when it goes, it's like,
"Harf-harf-harf-harf-harf-harf!"
I thought my dog
had eaten something spicy.
I was chasing it around the kitchen.
And, again, listen, that is meant
meant to be hormonal.
But recently my husband
has started wearing Crocs, so
..that could be shutting up shop
down there, couldn't it?
That could be snapping shit shut.
He swore blind he'd just got them
to do the gardening,
but I've seen him do the school run
in them,
and I'm a bit of a face now,
so I'm like, "You get back here!"
Harf-harf-harf-harf-harf-harf!
I put a Strepsil up there
in the end. Um
It affects everything.
It affects everything.
Yeah. Me and my husband,
we've been together for 13 years.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
We went away for our anniversary.
We had a spa break.
- AUDIENCE:
- Woo!
Listen, you can "woo",
but I'm telling you now,
once you're over 40, even
a spa break ain't that sexy,
you know? You're both naked
in the hot tub
and his scrotum
keeps floating to the top.
I shit myself.
I thought someone else was in there.
I'm trying to lean in for a kiss,
get all cute.
I'm trying It's "Whoa!"
I'm, like, batting it
Turned into soggy Whac-A-Mole.
It was ridiculous.
And I'm not
Right, listen, I'm not here to
insult my husband's body.
He is a good man. I am not
Look, time and gravity and
carbohydrates and saturated fats,
they affect us all,
is what I'm telling you, Apollo.
And I'm Look, I'm aware
of my own body limitations.
I'm aware of my own body
limitations, you know? Um
What I'm telling you
I do not expect oral sex
from my husband.
I don't. He's a good man.
He's a good
Ugh, you know, after three kids,
it's more like
a Bushtucker Trial, honestly.
I couldn't bear to
see his face afterwards.
All moist and haunted, you know?
Man get a look in his eye,
I might never leave him.
And, look, he's willing to go
down there.
'Course he is, he's a feminist.
But I
But I don't relax, you know?
When he goes down there, I go all
I look at him the same way
I'd look at a plumber come to fix
an old washing machine, you know?
I know it's not going
to be good news.
He goes down there,
best will in the world,
hammering away, phoning his mate
to see if he's
ever seen anything like it.
"Yeah, you all right, Tone?
"Yeah, it's a bigger
job than I thought."
And I get more awkward.
I'm like that.
"Are you all right down there?
"Do you want a cup of tea?
"Oh, sorry, you're on the phone."
You know, it just gets weird!
But, listen, I've been Laura Smyth.
You've been absolutely amazing.
Enjoy your night.
Thank you very much.
God bless!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Show your love and your energy
to Laura Smyth, everyone!
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
- Yeah, man!
All right, so I'm going to introduce
you to your next comic.
Please, let's get the claps starting
from up here.
Let's get a little bit louder
- and make some noise for Josh Pugh!
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BUILD
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Apollo. Good evening.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
Thank you so much for having me.
You feeling good?
AUDIENCE CHEERS
Listen, I'm feeling good. I'm trying
to be a good person this year.
2025 is the year
that I start calling
my toxic male friends out
for their poor behaviour.
CHEERING
Do you think that's
a good thing to do? Absolutely.
Do you guys know
what love-bombing is?
If you don't know, love-bombing is
when somebody bombards their partner
with affection and it creates, like,
a weird power dynamic.
Well, I sadly caught a good
friend of mine doing this
a couple of weeks ago.
We were all out together,
and he starts making all these
promises in front of everybody
to his partner,
saying he's going to take care
of her and look after her.
I thought, "That's strange."
And then later in the day,
this guy gets up,
he does a speech
about how much she means to him,
how he's never going to leave her.
And it was hard for me to do,
but I actually took him to one side.
I was like, "Listen, mate,
"what you're doing here,
it's not cool.
"It's actually very toxic.
"It's a form of abuse.
It's called love-bombing."
And that was hard for me to do.
He got really defensive,
started saying it was his
wedding day and all this, and I
..I had to call it out.
I've seen it
and I had to call it out.
I'm at a lot of weddings at
the minute, to be honest with you,
I think it's my age.
I'm in my 30s and it's like
every other weekend,
it's a wedding, and you've got
to get the gifts for the weddings.
And usually my wife,
she's very organised,
she gets the gifts for the couples,
and she usually gets the gifts,
right, from a website called
NotOnTheHighStreet.com
Are we familiar with this website?
If you don't know it, it's things
that are not on the high street.
They've nailed it, really. Now,
the reason you won't find those
items on the high street
is because no high-street retailer
in their right mind
would stock any of it.
It's all complete dog shit.
Answer me this -
why would anybody need
a personalised chopping board?
Now, as an item, chopping boards,
they don't really leave the house.
They're not getting mixed up
with other chopping boards.
I've never woke up to a phone call
from a friend one morning -
"You all right, mate?
Bit of an awkward one
"Yeah, I'm asking him now!
"You didn't pick up our
chopping board last night?"
I love to shop, though.
I'm a big shopper myself.
I love the gadgets.
I always get the gadget.
You know, every year they bring out
a new gadget.
I always think, "I'm going to get
that gadget,"
"and that gadget
will make me happy."
I buy the gadget. Three weeks later,
it's in a cupboard
and I'm still miserable.
I've had them all
over the years. You name it.
I've had the George Foreman Grill,
I've had the Spiralizer,
I've had the NutriBullet, I've had
the Nespresso coffee machine,
I've had the inflatable hot tub,
I've had the Fleshlight -
I've had them all.
You name it.
And what's the latest gadget
that people say you should get?
What's the latest
gadget people say you should get?
- AUDIENCE MEMBER:
- Air fryer!
- Air fryer. Unanimous. The air fryer!
People love telling you
to get the air fryer, don't they?
People will not miss an opportunity
to recommend
an air fryer to somebody.
Any situation, you can be like,
"You know what, mate?
"I'm actually really depressed at
the minute.
"I'm having a really,
really tough time.
"I've actually
made the decision that
"when I get home
from work this evening,
"I'm going to go into the kitchen,
I'm going to put my head in the oven
"and I'm just going to
end everything."
To have someone pipe up -
"Oh, mate,
"you should do that
in the air fryer!
"You'll be dead in a quarter of the
time if you do it in the air fryer.
"It's actually a much healthier way
to die, the air fryer, really is."
Favourite gadget of all time,
if I had to choose one,
it would probably be
the George Foreman Grill.
Great piece of machinery.
I'm sure you'll agree with that.
And we sadly lost
Big George Foreman. Heartbroken.
Love George Foreman, and I
was watching the news break of
George Foreman's death
with my little brother -
he's much younger than me.
And my little brother, right,
he didn't realise
that before the grill,
George Foreman was formerly
the heavyweight boxing champion of
the world.
He didn't know that and it
absolutely blew his mind.
Well, it would do, wouldn't it?
That's like us finding out
this evening
that Russell Hobbs
was the lead singer of Led Zeppelin.
I'm from a small town
in the Midlands.
I love it there. I've never left.
I never would leave.
And a lot of my friends
are from there,
and I went to school with them,
and they do real jobs,
proper, like, hard-working jobs.
Like, they do plastering
or tarmacking or work in factories.
But I've got new friends
as well now, because I do this.
I've got kind of arty middle-class
city friends,
and they're great as well.
I love hanging around with them.
They say things like, um,
"I know a great ramen place."
I love you guys. I don't know
what you're talking about, but
They're great.
I'm loving hanging round with them.
You know
what I've found about this new arty,
middle-class group
of friends I'm hanging around with?
They're actually nice to each other.
It's a complete
alien concept to me, right?
I went out the other day
in London with them.
One of the guys, a man, right,
he came out with a tote bag
over his shoulder.
Nobody said anything to him.
Everybody just accepted it.
No-one shat in it and
chucked it on the roof.
It was beautiful. Beautiful people.
Because I think, as a man, we're not
as good at making friends, blokes.
We're not as good at getting to
know each other
because we're a bit weird.
Like, we want to get
to know each other, blokes,
we want to find out about each
other,
but none of us want
to appear vulnerable.
So what I noticed
blokes will do, right,
we'll ask questions to get
to know each other
but we'll frame those questions
in, like, a needlessly macho way.
I was on a stag do with a guy
last year I didn't really know.
Halfway through the conversation,
he goes,
"Josh, here's a question for you.
"If you were on death row,
"what would your meal be?"
I was like, "Can't you just ask me
what food I like?
"Why have I got to be
on death row for this?"
It was, like,
a needlessly morbid detail.
"OK, I've got a question for
you, then, actually.
"If you had to give your kids
up for adoption,
"what album would you listen to
on the way to the orphanage?"
Just trying to get to know
each other, you know? But, um
I'm very lucky.
I've got a couple of kids as well.
I've got two young boys.
I've got a three-year-old
and a seven-month-old.
They're great. Is there parents
in the room?
QUIET CHEER
Yeah, it's great. Now, I don't know
if this is a universal experience,
but what I'm finding
with my children is, right,
they don't like the feeling of,
like, being asleep.
Have you noticed this? I'm finding
that they much prefer to be awake.
That's what I'm finding. My eldest,
he's never slept, right?
Every night, I put him
down about half seven.
By ten o'clock, he's awake.
Then he comes into my bed.
Then I go into his bed.
And every night I'm surrounded
by cuddly toys,
looking at fluorescent stars on
the ceiling.
I just think I've got this wrong.
This has gone wrong here.
I'm paying the mortgage.
I'm trying to sleep in
a four-foot Lightning McQueen bed.
He's in my bed, listening to me on
the baby monitor.
That's the wrong way round, surely.
Completely the wrong way.
I'll get downstairs in the morning,
he's got a coffee and a paper like,
"What time do you call this?"
It's hard, parenting.
It's hard, it's challenging,
it's tiring. But there's another
side of parenting
that people
don't talk about as much.
It's also, as well, of course,
very, very boring.
It's boring as well.
People did not prepare me
for how boring
having children is, right?
My eldest, he's three years old.
I'm not being arrogant here,
Hammersmith,
but I'm much more advanced than
he is.
I'm much further along
in my development.
And yet we spend all day
doing everything
that he wants to do, right?
Sometimes my wife gets back,
she's like,
"Have you had a good day today?"
I'm like,
"No. I've been massively
under-stimulated,
"to be honest with you."
"We did a jigsaw earlier today
that had four pieces in it.
"That's just not enough for me."
And he's struggling with it.
He's going,
"Daddy, we need to find the
corners."
Like, "Mate, it's all corners.
There's four pieces.
"The whole thing is corners!"
I'm trying to do a good job,
parenting.
I think the key is to not stress
about it.
Do your best. Don't stress.
If I had to describe my parenting
style in one word,
I'd probably say "efficient",
is what I would say.
I'm parenting smart,
rather than hard.
My eldest has got to start school
soon, and my wife's like,
"What school do you
think we're going to send him to?"
I'm like, "Well, you know,
"the nearest one to our house,
I would have thought."
She's like, "No, no, we should meet
a few of the schools,
"find out what
their core values are."
I was like, "I'll tell
you what my core value is -
"convenience."
That is deeply at my core,
to be honest with you.
If there was a school at the end
of my road,
I cannot stress to you guys how bad
that school would need to be
for my kid to not be going to it.
That could be a
jihadi training centre
with a paedophile headmaster.
If he can walk himself there
..sign him up.
He'll be absolutely fine.
I've got my in-laws as well.
Very fortunate to have my in-laws.
Got a wonderful father-in-law.
He can do anything around the house.
He can do anything.
He can do electrics, woodwork,
whatever.
And I cannot recommend
that enough, to have somebody
in your life that can do
I actually think now that's the
number one thing
that I look for
in a sexual partner now,
is for them to have
a dad that is good at DIY.
Honestly, if you go on a date,
that should be your first question,
always.
"What does your dad do for a living?
"He's a plumber?
I would love to see you again.
"I would love to see you again."
Honestly, if I was ever single
again, I wouldn't do Hinge,
I wouldn't do Tinder.
I'd get on TrustATrader, right
..and I'd work backwards from there.
That's how I'd do it.
It's great. I hope I've done the
right thing, having kids, as well,
because it's
a scary world out there.
People are angry out there.
People are very angry at lots
of things.
People are angry at
the water companies at the minute.
People are very angry at the water
companies and, absolutely, listen,
I'm angry at the water companies
as well.
I'll tell you
who does deserve respect, though -
the sparkling water companies.
What an incredible industry
the sparkling water industry is.
An industry built entirely on
a product
that 90% of people only
ever buy by mistake.
Did you know
that in the UK last year,
only one in ten bottles
of sparkling water
were bought intentionally?
You know that?
Only one person wanted it,
the other nine get outside
the shop, like, "Tsst!"
"Oh, for fuck's sake!"
Down at the sparkling water
factories,
those guys can't believe it.
They're like,
"Keep making it, keep making it!
"Get the word 'sparkling' as small
as you can on the bottles!
"Keep doing it, keep doing it!"
While I'm on it, by the way,
how are hot water bottles
still a thing?
How are hot water bottles
still a?
How have they slipped through
the health and safety net?
Imagine trying to get the hot
water bottle off
the ground now
as an invention in 2025.
"What is it, then?"
"Oh, basically what it is,
"mate, it's a sack of boiling water
that you take to bed with you."
"Wow, that sounds lethal.
Um, can I just ask,
"how are you filling that up?"
"Oh, just directly from the kettle,
through a hole that big.
"Size of a two-pence piece,
just kind of
"Also, it's completely opaque,
"so you can't see how much you've
put in. You've got to just
"squeeze it, hope for the best."
"OK. Wow.
"Who are you thinking of selling
that to?"
"We're thinking old people
and pregnant women."
"OK. I'm out, I think."
We've got
We've got one hope, I think,
for the future, and that's teachers.
I love teachers.
Got so much respect for
CHEERING
Yes, absolutely. They get treated
so badly in this country,
and they go on strike
and they get treated badly,
and absolutely solidarity
with those guys.
They get treated awfully.
But whenever I see a teacher
getting treated badly, I always
think, "What did you expect?"
Do you know what I mean? We all know
that teachers get treated badly.
That is the one job that we all got
to see close up when we were kids.
We could see them getting
treated badly then.
We were treating them badly
ourselves then.
And yet people are still joining
the teaching profession.
What are you thinking?
Do you know what I blame for this?
Those Get Into Teaching adverts.
They're too good.
They nearly get me every time
I'm at home watching TV.
One comes on, it's always the same -
young guy, early 30s,
incredible bone structure,
lovely M&S cardigan.
He's out in the playground,
high-fiving the kids like,
"Yeah, go on, buddy!"
"Get Into Teaching." Like,
"I fucking might get into teaching,
"actually! That looks quality.
I could shape a young life."
That's not the reality.
They should show the reality -
that same guy in his lunch hour,
chain-smoking in a Nissan Micra
..crying his eyes out,
he's found TikToks the kid's
been making, saying
that he fucks dogs.
That's the reality.
Listen, I've been Josh Pugh.
Thank you so much, Apollo!
See you soon. Take care. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Show some love
one more time to Josh Pugh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE
Please give it up for everybody
that you've seen tonight.
You've seen Laura Smyth.
Can you make some noise
for Laura Smyth?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You've seen Josh Pugh.
Make some noise for Josh Pugh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE
And my name has been Mo Gilligan.
Thank you, take care and goodnight!
See you lot later!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE