American Dad s20e03 Episode Script

1
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's ♪
What the hell?
Where's the boy and the lady?
Steve's sick.
I'm gonna give Snugglepuss all my hugs
so you can have them
with you all day long.
[MOANS]
Now let's get you all tucked in.
[BOTH] Tuck, tuck, tuck,
tuck, tuck, tuck
What in the name of Jesus
Jones is going on here?
Caught myself a nasty little cold.
And you know that when Steve is sick
is the only time I ever baby him.
So I go hard.
Mama, can I have one more ginger ale?
Yes. My widdle baby boy can
have one more gingew-wale.
I can't believe you're staying
home from school for a cold.
You know what I do when I get sick?
- Power through.
- Power through.
Name an illness.
Botulism, Legionnaire's disease, herpes,
I've powered through them all.
- Wait. You have herpes?
- Sure.
Pop some echinacea,
a whole box of non-drowsy cold meds,
whatever you gotta do,
but never bend the knee.
Because that makes you
And you know I don't like
this word, Steve.
A coldcuck.
Everyone gets sick and has
to stay home sometimes.
Not me.
Never taken a sick day in my life.
Don't have that luxury
working at the CIA.
That place would fall apart without me.
And look how late you coldcucks
have made me already.
Hey!
[MOANING]
Jeff, one other thing
Francine does every morning
that a lot of people don't realize
is she clicks the
garage door open for me
after I go out the front door.
There's a clicker inside?
There must be.
So you're just gonna stand there
looking surprisingly hot in that dress
or you're gonna help me look for it?
You could have let me do
my key kick, Stan.
I missed a breakfast meeting for this.
I'll show you a coldcuck.
[SNEEZES]
[BLOWS NOSE]
Why don't you power through this?
Not bad. But can you do this?
[GAGS]
That's, uh
That's really great, Roger.
I'll see you later.
[ROGER, MUFFLED]
Steve, come back! I'm stuck.
Good morning, USA ♪
You're certainly keeping busy.
Hey, it's crunch time, Jackson.
All hands on deck.
Hey, Stan, can you clear a paper
jam in the copy machine for me?
I am the paper jam expert.
[GRUNTING]
Ah, well, dirty little secret
about paper jams is
they never get cleared
till you get a whole new machine.
[GULPS]
Something about this sandwich
tastes amazing.
Francine, baby,
you've done it again.
[WHISTLING]
Why are you so happy?
Didn't I hear you had
the clap or something?
A cold. And not even that for long.
Because I am officially on the
[IMITATING JOHNNY CARSON] Up-shwing.
- The hell was that?
- Johnny Carson?
I guess he did a golf swing
or something. I've
I've seen it referenced. Anyway
How are you feeling
this fine morning, Dad?
I seem to have caught
that cold of yours, Steve.
Mm. Oh, nyo.
I'm syew syorry.
So I guess you'll have to
stay home and rest now, huh?
Hah! Quite the opposite.
I might work late,
run some errands after,
maybe squeeze in a workout
down at Muscle Beach.
- That's right. It's time
- [GROANS]
to power through.
Power through ♪
Power through ♪
Gee, Stan,
shouldn't you go home and rest?
And leave you guys high
and dry during crunch time?
[COUGHING]
- You okay, Stan?
- Powering through.
Power that big ass through ♪
Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan!
No spot, no freaking spot.
Get the hell away, bro.
Crypto ♪
Currency ♪
Power through.
I'm not quite feeling better yet.
A hundred and three.
Stan, please.
You really need to stay home today.
Mm. Yeah. But then again,
wouldn't that make him a coldcuck?
- Steve!
- No, Francine.
The boy is right to taunt me.
I can't lose sight of the
most important thing of all.
The importance of powering through.
But I'll need something stronger
than vitamin C for this one.
And I think I know just who to talk to.
Who?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[STRAINING] Get in there.
Weitzman. Dr. Dubs. What up, my brotha?
Listen,
I need to tear this cold a new one.
Why don't you just go home and rest?
[SCOFFS] Dream on.
They just need me too much upstairs.
Crunch time.
But you gotta have
some kind of top secret
super immune booster or
something around here, right?
Well, yes, but I'm also cooking up
some extremely dangerous
experimental pathogens here.
You should really put on one of these.
Oh, strap on a chin diaper?
No, thanks. Go woke, go broke.
How about you just make with
that immune booster already?
[GRUNTS]
Oh, God.
[GRUNTS]
Maybe you better take two.
[GROANS SOFTLY]
You're feeling better today, hon?
[WHEEZES]
[SCREAMS]
[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
You take a bat and a pangolin ♪
And mix 'em both together ♪
Let the bat bite the pangolin ♪
He doesn't feel better ♪
Take the bat and the pangolin ♪
And shake 'em both up ♪
And when you jab
that same pangolin ♪
You've made a deadly super bug ♪
I said, "Doctor" ♪
Weitzman.
I said, "Doctor" ♪
Weitzman.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Ooh, maybe it's a telemarketer.
[GASPS] A beautiful telemarketer?
Whatever you're selling, I'll buy it!
Weitzman, what the hell
did you do to my husband?
He's practically on his deathbed here,
right after seeing you in your lair.
It's a lab, not a lair.
Whatever. He said you gave him
some kind of experimental super drug.
I did. But, apparently,
it wasn't strong enough to protect him
from the experimental super viruses
he exposed himself to in my lair.
Oh, great. Now you got me saying it.
Super virus?
Now, don't worry.
So far, none of the diseases I've made
have been able to be transmitted
from person to person.
To my great shame.
What about Stan, though?
- What's his prognosis?
- [WHEEZES]
I'm afraid that
I don't know that word.
But Stan can expect to
experience brittle bones,
parasites, incontinence,
and baby-level weakness.
So he might want
to take it kind of easy.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- [WHEEZES]
Stan, honey, you're very, very sick.
I'll call Bullock and let him
know you won't be coming in.
No.
Start the music.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
- [BONES CRACK]
- [SCREAMS RASPILY]
[GRUNTS]
[RASPILY] The sun in the sky ♪
Smiling ♪
Saloons ♪
Holy crap. I gotta get out of here.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Good morning, USA ♪
-
- [ROGER] Hey, bullseye.
Gee, Stan, you sure
you shouldn't be home resting?
Can't let the team down.
Gotta power through.
Uh-oh.
It took three paramedics
and a senior Xerox technician
to get your father out
of that copy machine.
And this is somehow my fault?
Yes.
I know you got your dad sick on purpose.
Well, he deserved it, all right?
With all his stupid, macho,
powering through BS.
Listen, right now,
all you need to worry about
is making sure your dad does
whatever he has to to get better.
Or you're gonna need
a doctor yourself. Capisce?
But I'm your widdle baby boy, wemember?
That's only when you're sick.
So either catch a cold or go to hell.
[CRACKING]
[DOCTOR] Hmm.
[AIR HISSING]
[DOCTOR] Hmm.
Stan, I'm going to list
a series of four numbers,
and after I finish,
I'd like you to repeat them back to me.
Sixteen, five, thirty-seven, ten.
Hmm.
It seems your father
has a brand new disease
never before encountered
by medical science.
Which means he gets a gift certificate
to Menchie's!
- Congratulations.
- So what's gonna happen to him?
On the one hand
Well, have you ever heard of being dead?
- Yes.
- Your father
might suffer the most horrible,
agonizing death imaginable.
But then again,
something really bad might happen.
Stan might eventually regain
some of his strength and vitality,
but totally lose his mind.
He'll lose all sense of who he is,
of even being human,
and become a deranged, feral,
blood-thirsty killing machine.
Oh, my God! What can we do?
Nothing!
Except rest.
If he just stays in bed
and rests for a few days,
he might get better.
[GRUNTS]
All right, Dad.
I'm gonna save your
life if it kills you.
A little extra drowsy NyQuil ought
to get you the rest you need.
- [THUDS]
- [STAN GRUNTS]
[WEAKLY] Gotta get to work.
[GRUNTS] Get back here,
you little rascal.
- [GRUNTS]
- Must power through.
[STEVE GRUNTS]
Ah!
Just gonna go upstairs,
get my briefcase.
[STAN GROANS]
Now you're gonna take
your medicine, mister.
- [CLATTERING]
- [TOILET FLUSHING]
Something's up with the car.
What is it with you?
Why do you refuse to
just stay home and rest?
Why?
- Crunch time.
- [SCREAMS] Open up!
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[GULPS]
Now, go to sleep!
[SNORING]
Finally.
Brother, I have earned this.
- [LOUD THUD]
- Dad?
Oh, God, no.
Dad?
[HEART THUMPING]
- [SCREAMS]
- [GROWLS]
[ROARS]
[STEVE SCREAMS]
Oh, Steve, have you seen the big remote?
[STAN GROWLS]
Stan, have you seen the big remote?
[STAN GRUNTS]
[ROARS]
Doc, what do I do?
My dad turned into a
monster like you said.
Oh, that's interesting.
Uh, but I'm actually
a little busy right now.
[GROWLS]
Looks like your dad's
disease is spreading.
[YELLS]
Oh, also, there was
a problem with your insurance.
[EXPLOSION]
- [ALARM BLARING]
- [STEVE] Uh-oh.
[SIRENS WAILING]
[ROGER] Don't worry, I found the remote.
[SIRENS WAILING]
[MAN SCREAMS]
We've got an unforgiving super-contagion
moving on through here
to the north, east, west, and south,
transforming everyone
it comes in contact with
into kill-crazy murder goblins.
So if you're heading out
to enjoy those fall colors,
make sure to pack a machete,
abandon all hope for
the future of humanity,
and bring an umbrella
because we might be seeing a
few sprinkles out there too.
And with that,
I'm gonna throw it back to Greg
and flee in terror from him.
- [GROWLS]
- [SCREAMS]
- [PANTING]
- [CAMERAMAN] Wait, Greg. No, no, no!
[STATIC]
Looks like that's it for the power.
I'm just glad we were able
to find a way to both
stay safe from your father
and maintain his dignity.
[GRUNTING]
Mr. S is scooting again.
Someone needs to take him number two.
Ah, dang it.
Be careful, babe. He will pull out
your intestines if he gets the chance.
And there's no way in
or out of the house now,
so have him do his business
in Klaus' alcove.
[GRUMBLES] Yeah.
Just absolutely the worst.
One thing I don't get,
how come none of us have gotten sick?
Uh [CLEARS THROAT]
Family exposed to Stan original cold
before combine with Weitzman virus
to make super bug.
Therefore, immune.
- Never thought of that.
- Sounds plausible to me.
Ever since he got that
little lab coat and glasses,
he just seems so smart.
Uh, guys, I think I might
have messed something up here.
- [ROARS]
- [ALL SCREAMING]
[ALL PANTING]
What are we gonna do?
We're trapped in here. We'll starve.
No. Look,
there's still some crackers left
from when Steve was sick.
But we'll need to ration them, though.
Really make 'em last.
I have a feeling we
might be here a while.
- [SIRENS BLARING]
- [HONKING]
I still can't believe
Roger ate all the crackers
right after he said that.
Hey, I said I was sorry.
And it was three days ago now.
[THUMPING]
- [GROWLING]
- [SHUSHES]
[PANTING, SNORTING]
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
- I'll get it.
- No, Jeff!
- No!
It's okay. He's down at the end of the
hall now, biting the head off a rat.
We, on the other hand,
have no food, no water,
and we're trapped in here
with a monster. We're all gonna die.
No, Roger. More like this.
[HYSTERICALLY] We have no food,
no water.
We're trapped in here with a monster.
We're all gonna die!
[HELICOPTER HOVERING]
Do not panic. I'm here to help.
[SCREAMS] Ow!
Why did I wear shorts?
Okay, first things first.
Who'll rub some aloe on my thigh burns?
What the
I'm human.
So, it looks like your super bug was
transmissible after all.
I know. Which was a much needed boost
for my self-esteem.
But listen, since Stan was patient zero,
if my team of tactical EMTs here
can just get a sample of his blood,
we should be able to make a cure
from it. [SNAPS FINGERS]
You sure they'll be
able to pull this off?
Do I look nervous?
[STAN GROWLS]
[CAMERAS BEEPING]
- [GROWLING CONTINUES]
- [BEEPING CONTINUES]
Oh, God! What are we gonna do? I
Oh, no. I'm going.
[CRYING] It's all coming out now.
I can't stop it.
It's up to us now.
Short straw goes out
there to get Dad's blood.
Nah, nope. Steve, you're going.
This is your mess. You clean it up.
[SIGHS] Fine.
- [STATIC]
- What is that?
[HAYLEY] Looks like he made some kind
of caveman version of his office.
Unbelievable.
He's fully transformed into a deranged
rat head-eating animal,
and he's still trying to go to work.
I think he's saying something.
[MOUSE CLICKING]
Crunch time.
Stan help!
Stan useful.
The hell is this jabroni's deal?
[ROGU] Clearly, job only remnant
of old human self Stan remember,
because so central
to sense of self-worth.
- Yeah.
- I never thought about that.
The coat and glasses again.
And that's why he's
never been able to rest,
to take a sick day from work,
because it would mean having to admit
they really could get by without him.
And then he wouldn't feel needed,
wouldn't feel useful.
And to him,
if he doesn't feel useful,
then he feels worthless.
- Right, Rogu?
- I guess.
That's so sad.
- But we can use it.
- What do you mean?
If I pretend to be one of his coworkers,
maybe I can get close
enough to draw his blood.
Right. So we just need
to think of the name of
one of Dad's coworkers.
Right.
Who's the one with the face? Uh
- Always wears the clothes
- [ALL] Jackson.
Right. Jackson.
What does Jackson sound like?
You know
[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Jackson, I'm Jackson.
That's not Jackson.
Jackson's more like
[GRUFFLY] Hey, it's me, Jackson.
[HIGH-PITCHED] I'm Jackson.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Here's Jackson.
All right, already. I got it.
[FRANCINE] Good luck.
Looks like Dad's really
developed a taste for rat heads.
Okay, I'm at the attic stairs now.
I'm going up.
[STAN SNARLS]
[STAN GRUNTS]
[HISSES]
Aah! Stan, it's me, Jackson.
Jackshohn?
- [SNIFFS]
- [GRUNTS NERVOUSLY]
Yup. I need you to help me
clear a paper jam.
Paper jam? Crunch time.
Hmm.
That's it now. Nice and easy.
[SCREAMS]
[STEVE GRUNTS]
- [GROWLS]
- [CRUNCH]
- [SCREAMS]
- [STAN GROWLS]
- [STAN GRUNTING]
- [STEVE SCREAMING]
Are those Steve's pajama pants?
- [STAN GROWLS]
- [SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[SNARLS]
[STEVE] Leg broken,
wounds bleeding,
speech halting.
And I didn't get the blood sample.
That's okay, Steve.
You did your best.
Just come on back.
[GROANS]
Oh.
No.
I need to power through.
What's powering through?
[SOFTLY] I need absolute
radio silence.
[ROGER] Hey, if you have a chance,
grab some more crackers.
- [GROWLS]
- [SCREAMS]
Dad, please.
I need you to be you again.
[GROWLS]
You don't need to be important at work.
You don't need to be useful.
All you need to be is you.
Stan.
Dad you're enough.
Please, just be you.
Just be
me?
Maybe I'll just lie down
for a little rest.
And on a personal note,
with the virus now eradicated
and life returned to normal,
I'd like to apologize to
anyone I may have offended
or dismembered during the outbreak.
Water under the bridge, Greg.
All right, let's get you all tucked in.
[BOTH] Tuck, tuck,
tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck.
There. Think you'll be heading
back into work tomorrow?
Nah, I'm gonna take a
few more days to recover.
They can manage till I get back.
- Hey, Steve.
- Yeah, Dad?
Can I have one more rat head?
Sure thing.
Right after you get some sleep.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!