American Dad s20e04 Episode Script

1
[LAUGHING] Oh-ho-ho-ho.
[LAUGHTER]
If I know those laughs,
they're tickling Jeff
until he wets himself.
Better put down some newspaper.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Oh. I thought you guys were
making fresh, squeezed Jeff juice.
What you watching?
Wazzup, butt cheeses?
I'm Stan. I'm 22 years old,
and I'd be a home run on this show.
Aah!
[ALL LAUGHING]
We were looking for that porno mom found
where the guy
looks like a fatter Tuttle,
and look what we stumbled across.
Your old Real World audition tape!
You made the right move
not sending this in.
- It would've been brutal.
- What are you talking about?
- It's not that bad.
- Come on, Dad.
You're not cut out for reality TV.
You're terrible on camera.
Please. Reality TV
is all about charming people
and I am constantly
doing that on missions.
Once I charmed my way
into a Canadian terrorist cell
with nothing but a hot dog
and a piece of gum.
Winning over a bunch of reality dweebs
would be child's play.
Work's different. That's all instinct.
Great instincts.
No one's questioning those.
But in normal life, whenever
there's a camera around,
you get so in your own head
and try way too hard,
and make the worst,
lamest choices. I mean
I like to keep it extreme!
[GRUNTS]
See? Cameras are why
you act so weird at ATMs.
And in the cold medicine aisle at CVS.
And behind any car with a backup camera.
You're all crazy! I'd crush it.
Why do you even care?
This was 20 years ago, and you never
even followed through with it.
Yeah, but the more we talk about this,
the more important it becomes to me.
My own family
doesn't even believe in me!
It's not that we don't
believe in you, honey,
it's just
[ALL LAUGHING]
You guys suck!
And send me that pic!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's gonna be
a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
Stupid family.
'Sup? I heard that argument, Stan,
and I have to say, I think
we have yet another situation
where everyone else
in the house is wrong
- and you are right.
- Yet again.
They may not believe in you, but I do.
You'd be great on reality TV.
And I know what I'm talking about
because I have a persona
with a deep background
in reality television.
Gary Ombosule, reality TV producer.
I've cast and produced
dozens of shows in my day.
Pitching a lot of hot,
hot stuff right now.
Real Housewives of ISIS.
Jack Toddlers.
Jack Toddlers, Las Vegas.
America's Next Top Bottom.
I'm actually
all three judges on that, too.
And my big dog,
Gary Ombosule's All Stars.
Just got green-lit!
Gonna air on several non-traditional,
alternative TV platforms,
gas station TVs, burner flip phones,
audio-only on Spirit Airlines.
You know, Stan, we're still finalizing
the cast,
and I actually think
you'd be perfect for it.
Me? Really? What's it about?
It's a classic. Seven strangers
getting to know each other
in a rental house
where the toilets
definitely aren't filmed.
Nothing crazy, just a popularity contest
where viewers vote
for who they like best.
- I don't know.
- Come on. It's win-win.
I fill out my cast,
you get to show the family
how stupid they are.
They do need to know
how stupid they are.
- Okay, let's do it.
- Great.
Now you just need to sign these.
Don't worry. It's nothing to do
with the show.
These are valentines
for some other personas
who have crushes on you.
Stan, you wouldn't happen
to be interested
in Abigail Lemonparty, would you?
Amazing.
Whoo. That was fun.
And I thought our tour
of the football stadium
was going to be
my highlight of the week.
What tour?
We went on a ghost tour
of the Shark's Nest.
It's built on a Native burial ground,
a pet cemetery,
and a Spirit Halloween store,
so the place is crawling with ghosts!
You went without me? [GASPS]
How dare you?
We've had this discussion.
If you're ever going on a ghost tour
or a Target run, you tell me!
It was just a lot of walking,
and you're so small.
It would've been hard
for you to keep up.
So carry me, bitches!
And we weren't sure it would be
the right vibe for you.
You can be kind of a wild card.
Wild card? Me?
Yeah, you.
Remember when you got us
kicked out of the Renaissance Fair
for attacking a harp player
with a giant turkey leg?
Oh, come on. That was funny.
You know, you guys
really take me for granted.
If I had an awesome small bro like me,
I would value him.
Great. Go find yourself a Klaus then.
Maybe I will!
Actually, Dr. Weitzman owes me a favor
for when I helped untangle him
from the barbed wire
around the old bra factory.
I'll have him make me a tiny buddy!
You guys want to go to Target?
The Everglades are becoming
a mini Hollywood.
You can dress this swamp up
to be anywhere.
A swamp in London, a swamp in space.
Very versatile swamp.
Screw you, Claude! I meant what I said!
Had it out with that dumbass
the other day.
He's into voodoo dolls,
and I called him out for it being
total mumbo jumbo. Moron.
Anyway, the house is just up here.
- [BONES CRUNCHING]
- [SCREAMING]
Okay. Showtime.
The rest of the cast is out there.
Just go be yourself.
Piece of cake. Game time.
Wazzup, butt cheeses?
["BACK THAT AZZ UP" PLAYING]
You bad, yeah ♪
Make a woadie spend his
cash, yeah his last, yeah ♪
Girls frown when you pass, yeah ♪
They mad, yeah You gon' ride ♪
Yes, my monkey. Back that ass up
for the camera.
of grass, yeah ♪
Got money I can flash, yeah
And trash, yeah ♪
I'm Swerve Queen.
AKA Miss Steal Your Girl,
AKA Miss Steal Your Guy,
AKA Miss Steal Your Identity!
I'm Drakeford, and I'm here
to get famous enough
to be on other reality shows.
And I'm Clarence.
I needed money for my granddaughter's
wedding,
so I responded
to a Craigslist ad, and
Yo, yo, it's your boy, Stan.
I'm here to party and I'm here to farty.
[FARTS]
I'm Anjelica. I have 200K followers,
and as a brand ambassador
for Dr. Slippy's lip gloss,
that is all I'll be using this season.
I'm Corn Nuts.
I was living down the road until
my brother kicked me out.
It's cool if I sleep here?
I'm Izzy. I only eat
rainbow sherbet, and
[SQUEAKING]
that's the sound a panda makes.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
It's important they know
right off the bat
who the fun guy
in the house is gonna be.
- Whoa, we got a pool?
- Awesome.
Anyone got a can opener?
- No, Stan, there's a cover on
- [STAN GROANS]
Um, fun guy established.
Man, Stan?
He's an interesting dude.
I've never seen someone so obsessed
with throwing farts.
- [FARTS]
- [GROANS]
- [FARTS]
- [WHIMPERS]
[FARTS]
And he's always leaving
half-eaten tuna cans
all over the house.
It's like we live with a cat
who's covered in Axe body spray.
And Stan seems to have
major beef with Clarence.
[STAN LAUGHS]
- [FARTS]
- [GAGS]
Nut tap.
I call this the Queen's Shuffle.
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Let's go.
- Let's go, go, go!
- [STAN LAUGHS]
Did you get that?
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [DRAKEFORD] We decided to all pitch in
and make a nice dinner.
I invited everyone to pregame
before the dinner,
but I guess I'm the only cool one.
You little bitches,
you couldn't handle
a couple of warm-up drinks?
This lasagna tastes like ass.
[FRANCINE] Is that Stan?
Is this a TV?
Amazing.
This. This is why I'll never get
an electric vehicle.
I am on the hunt for the perfect person
to turn into my own little Klaus.
Cool. I find friendships blossom
Holy hell, save it
for your memoirs, motor mouth.
Venti tap water and eight cake pops.
- Name?
- Just put K-Dog 69.
Ha-ha. Sixty-nine. Noice.
Welp, he's the one.
Weitzman, I'm ready
to cash in that favor.
It's Klaus. The fish?
Geez, how many fish
do you owe favors to, man?
Stan. Stan, the man.
Ricky Stanish.
Hey, Roger. Things were a little hazy
from all the booze last night.
I wanna make sure
I didn't do anything stupid.
You? No. No, no, no.
You were rock-solid.
Total gentlemen.
But I'm glad you popped by.
Rogu, grab the man a Pedialyte.
I wanted to tell you
how well the show is doing.
People are loving you.
They're getting gas just to watch.
Ooh, really? Can I see
some of the footage?
No, can do. Gotta keep you
natural, untainted.
You'll see it soon enough
at our live-in-studio finale.
Gonna have a great
green room spread, by the way.
One hundred percent salami. Come hungry.
But votes are pouring in,
and you're doing great.
Keep being you.
We got a hit on our hands.
Not a problem. Thanks, Roger.
["NOOKIE" PLAYING]
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
Oh-ho. Swerve Queen
is hating this bit, eh?
[LAUGHS]
[ALL] Virgil?
You know, it was weird
he died the same day
the C4 we were about to use to blow up
Niagara Falls went missing, yeah?
Dang it! We were duped, gentlemen.
He was one of us.
Grandma showed him our secret family
recipe for horsemeat even.
[STAN LAUGHS ON VIDEO]
Well, if he wasn't dead before,
he's a dead man now.
Uh, boss,
this was the number
we gave those girls we met
ice fishing yesterday.
Virgil!
This never happened.
[GASPS] He's perfect.
He's zonked from the transfer.
He'll be up soon.
Okay, I gotta get back.
I needed somewhere to put a
seagull's brain for a minute,
so I used this guy's body,
and I want to make sure nothing
[CAWING]
Flappy! Get back here!
Little guy's tuckered out.
But once he's up, we're gonna be inse
[SCREAMS]
What the hell's going on?
Am I in a dollhouse bed?
Am I a [BLEEP] snail?
Whoa, whoa! Let's just relax.
You are a snail, but
But we are best friends now.
- [SCREAMING]
- [SHUSHING]
It's all gonna be okay.
Here, I'll go grab us a couple of beers
so we can talk this out like bros.
Okay, I only have
one mango hard seltzer,
but we can split that for now.
Why are you on my
Did you just call someone?
Yeah, Tracy at Starbucks.
And she's telling everyone
at work what you did.
The jig is up. So just go ahead
and change me back
to a miserable human!
[SIGHS]
Damn it. Well, I guess I have no choice
but to fix this then, huh?
- [ALL SCREAMING]
- We're snails!
The shell's oddly comforting,
but I'm still mad!
- Why?
- I had no choice.
You all knew!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Everything's gonna be fine.
Just calm down.
I'll grab you guys some dirt and
What do snails eat?
- Maggots?
- We don't know.
We just became snails!
But some maggots do sound amazing.
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Good evening, folks. I'm Gary Ombosule.
Welcome to the live studio finale
of the most popular show ever to air
above the trough urinal in the
Carolina Hurricanes arena bathroom.
[MAN] Hell, yeah!
Now, let's all welcome, fresh out
of the house in the Everglades,
that's really dragging their feet
with my security deposit, my All Stars!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Eat it, runts.
Look who's a reality star now.
Tonight we'll be crowning, one of these
housemates our winner.
You voted all season,
and the results are in.
But before we get to that,
let's look back
at this unforgettable season
of moments recorded everywhere
but the toilet.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I love it here. Everyone's awesome.
Well, almost everyone.
[SQUEAKING]
It's not a direct translation.
But that's Panda for, "Stan sucks."
Anjelica, you just won the Super Bowl.
Ugh! Stan!
Ugh! Stan!
Ugh! Stan!
Can I tell you guys a secret?
[MAN] Hell, yeah!
We'll get more into
that torrid love affair.
But first, I think
audiences around the world
are eager for me to share
some news with the cast.
I haven't been totally honest.
While you all thought you were filming
Gary Ombosule's All Stars,
America knew we were making
Gary Ombosule's Imbeciles!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You were assembled for my mission
to crown America's biggest idiot.
And the votes are in.
Drum roll, please.
[DRUM ROLL]
- Hey!
- [STOPS]
And the winner is,
no surprises here,
it's Stan, by a mile!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
And when we come back,
Bazooka Sharks punter
Boomer DeSanto is here
to kick Stan in the balls.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- And that's commercial.
Roger, you used me to look like a fool!
Phew. We're on the same page.
You said you believed in me.
You said I'd be great.
You were great.
Great for me and the show.
Aren't you happy for me, Stan?
He's in there, eh? Surround the
entire perimeter with dynamite.
We gotta send our message
to the world in style.
I'm done with this stupid show.
Find another sucker.
But nobody sucks harder than you.
Not even the contestants
of my other show,
Human Vacuums of Nebraska.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
The secret to horse meat, Virgil,
is putting on this slice
of American cheese
after the microwave
and letting the steam melt it.
Mr. Ed, meet Mr. Fed.
As in well-fed. Not federal agent.
Which I'm not. [INHALES DEEPLY]
Horse meat.
Oh, no.
Hey, look! It's Virgil!
As you can imagine, Virgil,
we were devastated to see on TV
that you weren't a dead friend
but a living traitor.
Yeah, no, you may have thwarted our plan
to blow up Niagara Falls, bud,
but now you've given us
another opportunity
to bring awareness to our cause.
Help me out here. What was that again?
Our cause, to refresh your memory,
is getting the world to adopt
Newfoundland's 30 minutes-off time zone.
Oh, God, I forgot
that island is 30 minutes off.
I kept missing Modern Family.
We've accommodated
the rest of the world for decades.
Time for them to accommodate us.
So we're gonna blow up
this studio and everyone in it
live on air to send a message.
One that will be seen on gas station TVs
and flip phones around the globe!
- [STAN GULPS]
- And then if we don't die
in a glorious hail of gunfire,
we might pop by Colonial Williamsburg
and see how a horseshoe is made.
If we have time.
[STAN GULPS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, everybody, a couple of
concerning items of news.
Terrorists have surrounded the studio,
- and are planting dynamite.
- [ALL GASP]
But don't worry, I am highly trained,
and have this situation completely
Wazzup? Where the weed at?
Rogu, get a camera outside
on those terrorists.
This could be big. Pluto TV big!
Stan, are we all gonna die?
We may, baby girl.
But I ain't stressing.
I just hope Heaven's got an ice luge.
Oh. That's catchy.
[SINGING] I just hope heaven's got
an ice luge ♪
Dad! Get it together.
You're in the CIA! Do something!
Wait, you're in the CIA?
You told me you were a sexy dentist.
Yeah, I'm CIA. Ain't no thing.
Just give me a second,
I'll whip up a plan.
We just need a flank here,
and then we'll send a team over here,
and I'll rappel in front
Yeah, this looks great.
[LAUGHS] Gotcha!
Stop looking, pervs.
Forget this loser.
I'm gonna go out there
and smooth this whole thing over.
Hit 'em with the Queen Shuffle,
spit some game,
and we'll be home in time
for Jacked Toddlers, South Beach.
[SCREAMS] I got got, y'all!
Someone help me! Not Stan!
I can't believe we just captured
the Swerve Queen.
It's Tracy's big blabbermouth
is why we're all snails now.
Larry's gonna write us up
for missing our shift!
Everyone, shut up!
Larry's not doing nothing
'cause you're all snails,
and you live with a fish now,
and we're all best friends!
That's just the way it is!
Anyone want to hear me freestyle?
[BEATBOXING]
I'm a snail I use snail mail ♪
- I leave snail trails G unit ♪
- Enough!
Everyone, quiet! I'm trying to watch
my friend's show!
[BEATBOXING]
I'm a snail I read snail braille ♪
Baby, be my Chip
I'll be your snail Dale ♪
Here's your staff, Larry. I'm over it.
I'm gonna go chug a Mountain Dew
outside TJ Maxx
and throw in some FanDuel parlays.
Klaus is back!
- Larry!
- That fish turned us into snails!
And you've got to get us
to a recording studio.
I don't care whose-it
did what's-it to whose-um!
You're all late, and I'm writing you up!
[SNAIL 1] Larry, is now
a bad time to tell you
that my sister's wedding's next weekend?
Dag nab it!
I can't believe we underestimated
how truly horrible Dad is on camera.
Then we gotta get him off camera.
Roger, kill the cameras!
We need to get Dad back to normal.
On it. Oh, no.
The terrorists
must have jammed the signal
so we're stuck on air.
[CHUCKLES] No way I'm missing this gold.
I don't get it. Cameras or not,
terrorists are Dad's bread and butter.
But those missions
are all instinct. So maybe
Instinct trumps cameras.
- [BOTH SOBBING]
- Clarence and Anjelica,
when you're done sobbing,
can I ask you to do
a quick season two promo?
Sorry, fam. My B.
I guess you were right
not to believe in me.
Actually, Dad, I do believe in you.
- Steve, no!
- What are you doing?
Come on in and just kill us.
Get it over with.
You can do it on camera.
Quick, before the little
hoser reconsiders.
Wazzup?
[LAUGHS]
- [FARTS]
- [COUGHS]
- [GROANS]
- Noogie.
Hang tight. I'll hang loose.
Stan, look out!
[IN SLOW MOTION] Nut tap!
Grandma shared two family secrets.
Terrorist One always kept a little nitro
under his balls.
[ALL CHEERING]
You did it, Stan.
I told you I could be good on TV.
And I just wanted to say,
big thanks to all the haters out there
for keeping me motivated,
especially my weak-as-hell family.
Shout out to the Everglades,
my boy Corn Nuts,
and most importantly,
you, America, for eating this.
[FARTS]
I'm pitching a lot of hot,
hot shows right now,
but there's one in particular
I think you'd really shine on.
Me? Tuttle?
Are you familiar with the concept
of a Squid Game?
I am not, but I love calamari.
Great. Great. That's perfect.
Rogu will just get a quick
legally binding signature,
and you'll be rich and famous,
lickety split.
Hot dog!
Production starts Monday.
Just bring some exercise clothes.
And remember, don't tell any loved ones
where you're going.
Damn it! This is another Valentine.
Still, it'll mean the world
to Clip Clop.