Live at The Apollo (2004) s20e04 Episode Script

1
Oh, yeah ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God. Yes!
Hello, Apollo.
You sexy, sexy bitch. How are you?
SHE GROANS
It's so good to see you.
It has been a long time, y'all.
I got old, man,
since the last time I saw you.
I turned 45, like, um
CHEERING
Yeah, like at least two or three
years ago, I think.
I don't know,
it's hard to remember at my age.
Look, here's what I'll tell you.
I was born in 1979,
which means I think I'm technically
the very end of Generation X.
Gen X, where are you guys at?
Make some noise.
Let me see you.
CHEERING
There should be five times
as many of us in here,
but we're the generation
that was decimated by Aids,
and overdoses, and crack,
and the most serial killers
in all of history -
like, Satanists, Craigslist,
you name it.
Like, basically everything
millennials
have a true crime podcast
about was our childhood.
Just ask us, OK?
But, like, look, I'm just saying
congratulations, y'all.
Whatever However much therapy
or drugs you did to make it to today,
thank you for your service. OK?
All right. Boomers, where the
hell are you guys, boomers?
Make some noise, boomers. Yes!
CHEERING
Thank you for whooping, boomers.
All of that energy from
owning everything, boomers.
No, look, OK, I'm not
You guys already get too much hate.
Like, it is not your fault
houses used to be so damn cheap,
is it, right?
Houses used to cost less
than eggs do now.
You guys are like,
"Let's buy a pallet of houses
"while we're out here
shopping anyway, right?
"They'll make more."
They didn't make more.
That's not your fault. All right?
I personally think, boomers,
you guys deserve a lot
more credit than you get, OK?
You guys are the generation
that fought for all of the rights
that we all unfortunately have to
fight for again, apparently, OK?
But I'm old enough,
I remember feminism
and civil rights.
They were fun. Thank you for that.
All right?
Also, you're still fighting now.
You're still out there protesting,
getting arrested,
although it probably takes some off
the energy bills at the
end of the month, right?
So I think you guys
get a twofer for that.
I'm just saying thank you
very much for everything
that you have done for us.
And while we're talking,
boomers, about that will
I don't know if you
LAUGHTER
You have all the houses,
I had to try!
OK, fine. What about Gen Z?
Gen Z, the newest adults
in the room.
CHEERING
Where are you guys? Yes!
Yes, you beautiful babies.
Thank you for responding.
Most of the time, Gen Z is like,
"Ew, cringe,
she's talking to me? Weird."
Gen No, seriously, Gen Z, you
guys, like, have my whole heart.
You guys are my favourites.
Because much like Gen X,
you are so young and so screwed.
Like, it's how, like,
literally all the other
generations just took the world,
used it like a gym towel, did this
and then threw it in your face
like, "Deal with it.
Peace. Clean that up."
Like Gen Z, seriously,
what I want to say is
that, right now,
society as we know it is going away,
all the old stuff is done,
and there is a vacuum
that your generation
is going to be the ones to fill.
So if you've got good ideas,
bring them up.
We are here to support you
because you really are going to be
the change-makers, all right?
And look, Gen X especially,
we've been waiting for the revolution
for a couple of generations,
so we're really here for it, like,
whatever we can do for you.
I do not know what skills
we have to offer,
but if you ever need anyone to, like,
handwrite you a letter
in cursive for some reason
..got you, OK?
You make a new constitution,
we'll do the calligraphy, y'all.
We got you.
All right? Man, OK, I assume
the rest of you guys
who have said nothing yet
are millennials, yeah?
CHEERING
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we know how much you love yourselves,
millennials. OK, look, um
Look, now, honestly, I'm not
going to drag you guys either.
You guys got shit for 20 years
for liking avocados.
Those things are amazing, thank you.
Last I checked, they're not
indigenous to this wet, rank island.
Thanks for the flavour, guys.
We appreciate your work.
I'm just saying, like, don't
forget about the rest of us.
The thing is, we don't hate you.
We're just jealous.
We're just jealous. Millennials,
you guys got stuff all of us wanted.
We were all working toward things,
and you guys just reached out
and grabbed them.
You got stuff everybody wanted,
like mental health
and consent, you know?
LAUGHTER
Man, ask Gen X if they
wanted some consent,
they'll tell you
some war stories, OK?
And mental health Gen X, were
the words "mental" and "health"
even in the same sentence
when we were kids?
It wasn't even a concept back then
in, like, the '80s and '90s.
If you went as a Gen X kid
at the age of 16
to your mom, like,
"Mom, I think I'm depressed."
She'd be like, "I don't know,
"here's a packet of fags and a
Smiths CD, like, grow the hell up.
"It's called having
a personality, kid.
"Here's some eyeliner.
Check out The Cure."
Like, "Leave me alone." Right?
There's no chill
for our little feelings, OK?
So, like, we're jealous.
Like you Millennials,
you guys got the playgrounds
that bounced you back up
on your feet when you fell down.
We just lost teeth
and broke bones.
Like, we were the first pancake,
all right?
We were the testers for you guys
and we just want you to appreciate
what we went through.
We were, like, the lab rats.
We had all the dumb technology
so you guys could have cool stuff.
We had rotary phones for you guys.
Anybody remember that rotary phone,
that cinder block you had
to carry through your house just
to have a private conversation?
Then when you're dialling the number,
you got seven to ten
chances to figure out
if you still want to talk
to this asshole
..who you started calling six
months ago for some reason, right?
You know what I mean?
We had, like, Betamax,
VHS, LaserDisc, MiniDisc,
like, video games
you had to sexually pleasure before
they'd even load up for you.
LAUGHTER
Right? You remember that
first Nintendo. You're like
SHE BLOWS
You like up and down?
Blowing out the whole alphabet
to get a plumber to show up.
So you kids could have holograms
of ABBA perform for you now.
Like, how is that possible?
Didn't they die,
like, a decade ago?
Like, what's going on?
I'm just saying, like, Gen Z kids,
one day y'all are going to
get to see Tupac live, right?
I mean, still dead, you know,
but, like, live.
I grew up in LA in the '90s
and I didn't get to do that shit.
So please, just for me,
wheel my geriatric ass
down to the front row
so I can be like,
"Westside for life!"
and then flatline, OK?
That's all I've wanted
for 30 years, OK?
I mean, you know, like, y'all are
just made different, millennials.
Like, I didn't expect it to be
so stark,
but, like, two years ago,
I went to my first
millennial wedding, OK?
And when I say millennial wedding,
I mean the bride breast-fed
at the altar.
I'm not joking, right,
because they had the kid first
because weddings are expensive
and baby-making is free, right?
So they had the kid first, and then
they had the wedding later, right?
So by the time
they're getting married,
they've got this
two-year-old, right,
you know, who's, like, running down
the aisle after his mom like,
"Mama, I'm hungry."
She whips out this milk-filled boob,
pops it right into his mouth,
and immediately 200 millennials
just erupt into applause.
They're like, "Slay, queen, slay.
"Oh, my God.
This is progress in motion."
I was like, whoa!
Made different, right?
Now, also, this wedding
was only taking place
because the bride
proposed to the groom.
CHEERS IN AUDIENCE
Yeah. Yep. Progress is here, guys.
She proposed to her male,
straight, cisgendered fiance,
and I was like,
"Girl, that is a baller move."
And she was like, "Desiree,
look, I'm a professor, right?
"I'm always talking
about feminism at university
"and then I realised,
'What am I waiting for?'
"Like, I know we're ready, right?
"And I could just as easily
give him the same thing
"that I'm waiting for him
to give me.
"I know how I'd like to do it,
where I'd like to do it."
And I was like,
"Girl, that is incredible. Yes, go."
Am I ever going to do that shit?
No fucking way am I ever
going to do that shit.
All right?
I am a full-blown Gen Xer.
I've been waiting for four decades
for a man to get on his knees
so I could be like
..maybe.
LAUGHTER
I dub you Sir Maybe.
Maybe don't ask me
at a steak restaurant
in front of all these people.
But, you know, she didn't need that
and I'm proud of her, right?
You know, and I thought about that,
and I was like, "You know what?
"I'm also proud of him," right?
You know, because there's a lot
of straight dudes
who would feel some type
of way about a woman
taking over his role
or whatever, right?
You know, because he got proposed to,
it was probably
one of the most magical,
most memorable,
important days of his life,
but also, at the same time,
one of the most confusing, right?
Because if we all remember
how a wedding proposal
tends to go, she will have had
to have gotten down on one knee.
Yep.
And he thought some whole other shit
was about to happen
for at least a full minute, right?
She's down there like,
"Will you make me the happiest woman
in the world?"
And he's like, "Holy shit, right
here in the butterfly garden, babe?"
"Yeah, that's right."
Then she had to stop him, like,
"No, honey, if
you'll just wait
"Honey, actually, if you just look
Just look at the ring.
"Look at the ring!" Right?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He's like, "Oh, oh, snap.
Sorry about that.
"In retrospect,
the ring is rather small.
"But I just love you so much, babe.
I love you so"
I'm just saying, you know,
sometimes progress happens
in an instant like that,
you know, like,
never be afraid, you know?
And I feel so bad
for my boyfriend.
I met him on an app, like, in
2020 during the lockdowns, right?
- Whoo!
- It was amazing.
Yes, nice. I mean,
look, it was the only time dating
on apps was actually sensible
was, like, right in the earliest
part of the pandemic,
because everyone
I talked to on Hinge
was suddenly being
a decent person.
Everyone I spoke to was just like,
"How's your family?
"How are you coping?
"How are you getting
through this madness?
"Are you safe? Are you OK?"
Everyone I spoke to during
that time was a reasonable,
decent human being,
with the exception
of one dude
whose opening gambit was,
"So, what you wearing?"
April 2020. What am I wearing, sir?
The same tear-soaked pyjamas
I've been wearing
for three and a half weeks,
with a terminal mustard stain
ground into the left tit like
Are we in the same planet, right?
What am I wearing?
25 masks, asshole.
Are we on the same earth?
What? You know, like, I love men,
but I don't understand
your priorities.
Like, we're in the middle
of viral Armageddon,
he's still thinking about his dick.
Like, I don't
You know, like, can he
and I be running away
in vain from a mushroom cloud
and he would stop and be like,
"Dem titties, though, girl.
"Look at 'em. Bam, ba-bam,
ba-bam, ba-bam."
Like, you know, he would.
That's why you're laughing.
He totally frigging would.
Do you know what I mean? So, like,
this guy that I've been with,
I've still been with him
this whole time.
He's actually a millennial.
He's one of y'all, right?
He's, like, just a few years
younger than I am.
And, like, look, you know,
the differences are slight,
but they are there.
You know, for instance,
like, after sex, I want to cuddle.
He'll want to watch Australian gamers
play Call Of Duty on YouTube.
LAUGHTER
Like, I shit you not,
our aftercare is me sliding
under his arm while we watch,
like, the top 100 things
you need to know
about GTA V before you finish.
Right? And I'm like,
"Well, he already finished.
Let me learn some stuff, right?"
OK. Like, I know stuff
you guys can do with Franklin
you wish you knew.
I've learned a lot about games
I've never played, right?
You know, and, like,
here's the thing.
It's been so wonderful
to find somebody
that I absolutely adore
in this time in my life,
because it took me this long
to accept certain things
about myself.
Like, you know,
I've always loved a dad bod,
but in my mid-40s
it's all that's available to me,
and I'm fine with that, right?
I also have always loved bald men.
He is a bald guy
and I love bald guys.
Yes, shiny kings,
I see all of you. Yes!
Light bouncing off your head
like a halo.
I love you guys, OK?
And also, young women,
if you've never gone home
with a bald guy,
treat yourself, girl, OK?
There's nothing sexier than seeing
a shiny head between your legs
when you look down,
looking like a little hard hat
down there,
cos that man is at work, OK?
Trust.
All right?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He takes care of it.
And, look, let us all remember
how male-pattern baldness works.
Typically, a man loses
his hair because he has
so much testosterone
coursing through his veins
that it has scared the hairs
off the top of his head
and directly into his butt crack.
That's where they went.
They didn't fall out,
they moved to a better
neighbourhood, OK?
They found community.
They're raising family
down there, all right?
You know, and, like,
I appreciate that,
like, all bald men by, you know,
dint of their baldness,
have all had to survive
an ego death.
That is important to me
as a grown-ass woman.
I need to be with a man who
has gone through something, right?
Like, all bald men have had to let go
of dreams that they used to have,
like they used to want to get
a motorcycle
with the wind whipping
through their hair.
They can't do that, right?
They wanted to grow a ponytail
and not look like '90s Danny DeVito.
They can't do that.
They got to think about sunscreen
all the damn time.
Like, life is real.
There are consequences.
I can't be messing around with some
dude with a full head of hair
still thinking all his dreams
are going to come true.
Like, grow up, you know? No, Dave,
your dad band isn't going to take
off - we're 50. Please, stop it.
Right? You know, and he
was one of these guys -
like, he was losing it as a teenager.
My boyfriend started losing
his hair at, like, 16.
That is rough, right?
What has that got to be like
and be a teenager?
Like, you're just starting
to get hairs growing in down here.
Meanwhile, all the other
ones are falling out
of the top
in the same shower drain.
How messed up is that?
Like, he was that dude who,
like, got to university already
looking like Phil Collins.
You know what I'm talking about?
There's always one.
You're looking at a frat party
and you're like,
"Why is there a professor here?"
And he's like,
"What? I'm a freshman."
"I'm also a freshman. What?"
Right?
I'm like, that's hardcore, you know?
And like, just so I accurately
paint the picture,
he is a luscious bald man,
but he is also a Greek Cypriot.
So I need you to understand
that there is no hair here
LAUGHTER
..but from the eyebrows, y'all,
like, all the way down to, like
He looks like if an
Ewok became a monk, that is
LAUGHTER
I'm so happy somebody
cut him eyeholes
and a mouth hole so we could meet.
My God, so cute.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, you know,
and, like, he has
this big beard, too.
It's his pride and joy.
He's got this, like,
Osama-bin-loving-looking beard.
It's massive. Right? And he's
As a black woman,
I have never seen anyone
take better care
of their hair than this man
does of his beard.
He is putting oils
and tinctures on it.
He's encouraging it,
doing affirmations
for that beard and stuff,
and I'm like,
"Wow, you are really into that."
But then I realised that part of it
is because other men have beard envy.
And I never knew this
about you guys, right?
Like, sir, you've got a gorgeous
beard right there.
I'm looking at you
in the white shirt.
It's beautiful.
Would you have more if you could?
- Would you?
- Totally.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Every time I ask, they go,
"Oh, yeah, I would grow it
down here like ZZ Top.
"Oh, yeah. Just"
Like, basically, if you know a man
with any amount of facial hair,
every dude with a beard
in his head has an image
of a different dude
with a bigger beard
that he would like to hang out with,
like, learn things from,
maybe do an apprenticeship with,
like, sniff when he's not looking,
maybe get some of the good
beard pheromones, like,
you know,
like, it's just a weird thing.
And I've witnessed it,
because we were
on one of our first
socially distanced dates, right?
We're walking around
in the summer of 2020,
in a park, you know,
two metres apart,
and I see this man from, like,
100m away with a lovely beard
spot my boyfriend's
beard like, "Ahoy,"
go right up to him, like,
in the middle of a viral pandemic.
He gets all up in his
face and he's like,
"Bruv, your beard, it's beautiful.
"It's majestic."
He said majestic,
like it was like an endangered
bird in flight.
He was like, "Oh."
And he's like, "Bro, what are
you putting on that?
"Are you doing oil or wax or pomade?
"Are you taking supplements,
man? Are you juicing, man?
"I'll juice. I don't care,
I'll juice. You tell me right now."
I was like, "What is happening?"
And my boyfriend was like,
"This happens all the time."
I was like, "This?!
This happens all the?
"This man saw your facial hair
and supplicated himself to you.
"He saw your beard and he went,
"'My lord, my liege,
how may I serve thee?'"
I'm sorry, what is this?
And my boyfriend's like,
"Dude, what are you going to do?
"I'm Greek, it's just genes.
What are you going to do?"
And I was like, "Yeah, if you like
that, you should see his back."
That's where he keeps
the good stuff, man.
That's where the single malt is.
Make him show you that!
Right? Like, he's got
the kind of hairy where,
like, if he doesn't shave
the neck back in,
the force reclaims
the entire street.
Do you know what I mean?
It's for real.
And it precludes us from doing
certain things, right?
He has a daughter with
his ex, and I was like,
you know, next weekend
we should take her to the zoo.
Then I was like, "Oh, no.
"I cannot take
your hairy ass to a zoo."
Like, I could not walk a hominid
that hairy past a gorilla cage
LAUGHTER
..and not expect an incident
to wind up on the news.
Like, a gorilla
would see my boyfriend
on the other side of the glass
and be like, "But But ussame.
"Us same.
Butbut me prison, him vape pen?
"What?! No!"
You know, like, it would be
pandemonium.
I'm going to leave you guys on this.
I will just say
he's the kind of hairy -
just to drive the point home -
he's the kind of hairy
where, like
Like, I've never wanted to
make a sex tape -
it's not the kind of thing I'm into -
but, like, every time
he and I do have sex,
I feel like Sir David Attenborough
should be narrating that,
like Right?
I mean, he might need
to fight another Cypriot
and then do a shiny head dance
at the end.
And then we'll put a plea
for the environment in there.
All right, you guys are so much fun.
Are you ready to have
an amazing night?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God,
you are the best
audience ever, Apollo.
All right?
I'm about to bring out a good friend
and an amazing comic.
Please put your hands together
and give some love
to Suzi Ruffell!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Yes!
Hello! Good evening,
Live At The Apollo.
I'm very excited to be
with you all this evening.
First things first,
I should let you know
I've gotten a little headset mic,
a little headset mic,
a little Britney mic.
I took a photo of myself wearing it
to send to my wife.
Yes, I've got a wife -
my hair's not an accident.
Neither's the vibe.
LAUGHTER
Took a picture to send to my wife.
Wanted to say, "It's Britney, bitch."
OK? My phone autocorrected it to,
"It's Britney, butch."
LAUGHTER
Which I think works.
I think that works.
Now, before I came to this wonderful
venue this evening,
I picked up my daughter from school.
I've got I've got one child,
but I'm in the one-and-done gang.
I'm very happy to have one -
she's the best thing
that ever happened to me,
but we are one and done.
But when you have one child,
people love to suggest that
you should have another one.
People are always going,
"Are you going to have another one?
"Go on, have another one,
have a little 'nother one.
"Go on, have another one,
have a little 'nother one.
"Go on, have another one,
have a little 'nother one.
"Have a little 'nother one,
go on, have another one."
It's mainly my mum.
She loves garage and
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Loves it. By the way,
I don't think you should have
an opinion on how many kids people
have or anything like that, you know?
But we have one. Now, there's
a mum at school that has six, OK?
Which is a few. Sure.
Sure. OK? We go to the park
after school,
her six run off,
my one goes and joins them.
And then she turned to me and went,
"Oh, don't you think it's sad?
"Don't you think it's sad that
she hasn't got a sibling?"
And I thought,
"Oh, don't YOU think it's sad?
"Don't you think it's sad
you look so tired?
"I think that's quite sad."
I didn't say it, I just thought it.
But now I've got
a get-out-of-jail-free card now
when people say to me,
"Are you going to have another one?
"Are you going to? Are you
going to have another one?"
Now what I say is, "My wife and I
have stopped using protection,
"and we're leaving it
in the hands of God."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That seems to work.
So I pick my daughter up
from school today.
I drop her off, I pick her up.
I'm going to be honest
with you, though
I don't know
what she's doing there,
because I can't get any
information out of her.
I pick her up from school.
"How was school?"
SHE MUMBLES
"Who did you play with?"
"My friends."
"Did you eat your lunch?"
SHE MUMBLES IN AGREEMEN
I can't get ANY
information out of her.
I don't know if I'm dropping
her to school or MI5.
I'm not sure, when they get there,
if they just bus them
down to Bletchley Park.
I can't get any information
..until
..bedtime.
Oh, yeah. There's some parents in.
You know about this.
You're saying night-night.
"Night-night, darling. Love you."
SHE KISSES
Night-night, night-night.
And as I get to the door,
she'll go,
"I have some information
you might be interested in."
The spy has cracked.
The asset is compromised.
I'll go, "Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah?"
She goes,
"I played with Mia and Lily."
"Oh, that's really nice. OK."
SHE KISSES
"Night-night, night-night,
night-night."
Then she said,
"You know,
"Mia's daddy had a different wife
"when he met Mia's mummy."
LAUGHTER
My interest is piqued.
You've bought yourself some time,
little one.
I get the night light
and put it right in her face.
"Tell me everything you know."
LAUGHTER
She said, "Well,
"Mia's mummy taught
Mia's daddy to play tennis,
"and then he left the old wife
"and she hit his car with a hammer.
"And it's a Mercedes."
I'm like, wow,
that is a lot of information from
a five-year-old,
but thank you very much.
I need to go and start a splinter
WhatsApp group
with some of the mums.
But she tries to keep me
in the room,
starts throwing out mad shit.
She'll be like,
"Oh, do badgers have knees?"
MUMBLES: I don't know! I don't know!
"Do fish celebrate birthdays?"
"Maybe."
Then she'll start doing
the love stuff.
"I love you!"
"I love you too."
"I love you so much, Mama."
"I love you so much, darling.
"I love you so much."
Last night,
I was putting her to bed,
she said to me, "Hey, Mama,
"when are you going to get a job?"
LAUGHTER
I said, "I've got a job."
She said, "No, when are you going
to get a proper job?"
I said, "I've got a job."
I said, "You know what I do."
I said, "Tomorrow night
I'm going into London.
"I'm going to play
Live At The Apollo."
She said, "What are you going to do?
Will you do a Taylor Swift number?"
I said, "No, no,
I won't do a Taylor Swift number.
"I'm going to talk."
And she went, "Oh, just you?"
LAUGHTER
I said, "Yeah."
She said, "For how long?"
I said, "About 20 minutes."
And then she went,
"Boring!"
Night-night. Night-night.
I recently found out
that I am middle-aged.
I'm 39. I found out I'm middle-aged.
And I don't know if you found out
in the same way as me.
I got an email from Gabby Logan
LAUGHTER
..saying, "Would you
like to come on my podcast
"about being middle-aged?"
And I said, "Gabby,
I think you've got the wrong person."
And she said,
"No, I've seen your Wikipedia."
And I said,
"Great, I'll see you on Friday."
So Now, what I will say is
that I've noticed myself getting
a little bit older,
and I feel like it happened
like that.
It happened like that.
It feels like one minute I was
pulling an all-nighter at a rave
in Hackney and feeling totally fine
the next day,
and the very next minute,
I was turning down my radio
in my car so that I could reverse.
LAUGHTER
When did I start doing that?
I didn't know I did that.
Or looking out of the window
and going,
"I could dry some washing today."
When did that happen?
When did I start doing that?
Got a problem with my shoulder now.
I've got to see a physio every month.
Got a problem with my rotator cuff.
Want to know how I damaged
my rotator cuff?
Just rotating it.
That is life now.
And my face has changed a bit. Now,
of course my face has changed a bit.
That makes perfect sense.
But I didn't realise how much my face
had changed
until I saw myself on telly.
Now, I never usually watch
myself on telly,
and my daughter can
never watch me on telly,
because I swear too much.
But I was on Sunday Brunch
and you're not allowed
to swear on Sunday Brunch.
You can't be like,
"Fuck me, this paella's banging!
"I could eat six of these slags."
You can't say that.
A producer comes over to you
and says,
"Please don't say you could eat six
of these slags.
"Thank you so much."
So it goes out live,
and then I go home
and my daughter wants
to watch it on catch-up.
So we put it on
and it's like, Sunday Brunch!
And the panel comes up
and my daughter goes, "Oh, mama!"
And I was like, "Yeah, that's me!"
And then it did a close-up of me
and it said,
"Suzi Ruffell's here to talk
about her tour."
And my daughter went,
"Oh! Mama, your face!"
And I was like, "Whoa, my face.
That is my face."
And what I've realised is
when I do my make-up,
I take my glasses off,
so I have a very soft focus.
But the camera had
a very hard focus.
So I started seeing all these
parts of my eyes
that I'd never seen before,
all around myhere,
and so I started talking to one of
my friends about it and I said,
"Look, babe,
I'm thinking about having not loads,
"but I'm thinking about having just
a little bit,
"just a tiny bit, just a weensy bit
of Botox,
"just a tiny bit of Botox."
And she said to me,
"No, babe, don't do it.
"Don't get Botox.
"Don't become one of those women
that has Botox.
"You don't need Botox
because you look amazing."
What she didn't know is
that I'd already had the Botox
..and that's why I was looking
so good.
Then she said to me,
"I'm surprised you've had Botox
"because you're such
an ardent feminist."
And I'll be honest with you,
I'm surprised too.
I mean, I can't show it any more.
LAUGHTER
But I am.
Then she said, "I'm surprised you've
had Botox, because you're a lesbian."
I was like, "Whoa,
"what kind of homophobic gymnastics
do you have to do to get to that?"
By the way, homophobic gymnastics,
something I would watch.
LAUGHTER
Double backflip and she stuck it,
the dyke from Norway.
Ten points to her. I'd watch that.
But what she means is I'm not
doing it to the attention of men,
and I'm not.
Come on, give me some self-respect.
I am a 39-year-old mother.
I am not having Botox,
so men think I'm fit.
I'm having Botox
so women think I'm fit.
It's different.
CHEERING
But it's good. It's good that I'm not
doing it for the attention of men,
because sometimes men don't see me.
Sometimes men don't see me.
The other day I was
walking through London
and a man bumped into me,
bumped right into me,
and then went,
"Oh, sorry, son."
I'm not a teenage boy.
And I wasn't in, like,
trackies and a cap.
I was dressed up.
I had on my lipstick,
I had on my eyeliner.
Like, I know I've got short hair,
but I'm clearly a woman.
Like, he was bald.
I didn't think he was an eagle.
LAUGHTER
Look at the wingspan on you.
You're huge!
But I don't know - and I'm talking
mainly to the straight men
in the room at the moment -
I don't know if the straight men
know how many women
are currently coming out.
I don't know if you know this.
Last year,
over the space of three months,
three women that I knew told me
they had
opened their dating preferences
to include women.
And I'm here to tell you
the lesbians simply don't have
the resources
for the amount of women
that are currently coming out.
We simply don't have
the back catalogue of women
to get through all of
these newly-identifying gay women.
Let me tell you,
Clare Balding's on her knees.
We simply
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We simply don't have enough women.
I've got one friend - a very cool,
androgynous lesbian, very hot -
she exclusively - exclusively -
sleeps with "straight women".
She has slept with
so many straight women,
we've started calling her Tina,
because sooner or later,
she's going to TURN YA.
LAUGHTER
OK? And that's not a joke.
That is just something
that's happening
in my friendship group,
so I'm letting the men know.
I don't want any of the men
to think I'm having a go at them.
I don't.
I want all the men in the room to
know that I am a male ally.
I want you to know that.
I'm a male ally.
I've seen three of
The Fast And The Furious films
because you've got to do the work.
OK? I'm a male ally,
so I'm just letting men know.
Because you might think
it's a teenage boy
on his way
to deliver a paper, but it's not.
That's an androgynous lesbian
on their way to fuck your wife.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Another way I know
that I'm getting older
is we've got our first divorces
in my friendship group.
Because of the divorce,
it now means that one
of my best friends is single.
Now, Jules is Scouse Jules.
She's from Liverpool and
I don't know if you need both. Um
LAUGHTER
She's on the apps,
and that means we're all living
vicariously through Jules.
It's very exciting.
Now, Jules is straight,
and that's fine,
because love is love.
And
No, it is. Love is love.
I just don't want to see it.
And
LAUGHTER
And we're now living
vicariously through her.
Now, the other day, she rang me,
right?
It was It was just
after I'd dropped my daughter
to school, so quite early.
So I was like, "All right, hon,
is everything OK?"
She went, "Suze, ask me
what I did last night."
I said, "What did you do last night?"
She said,
"I had a swipey-swipe date."
I was like, "Oh, how was it?"
She said, "Put it like this.
I'm on my way home now."
I was like, "Oh, my goodness,
a sleepover. How exciting.
"How was it?"
She said, "Suze, it was amazing.
"It was incredible.
We had sex all night long."
Now, I don't know if
it's me getting older,
but I couldn't think of anything
I'd like to do less
LAUGHTER
..than have sex all night long.
Imagine getting to 3am
and thinking,
"Bloody hell,
I've got four more hours of this."
You'd be on the cranberry juice
for a week.
No, thank you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It is a privilege to do this show.
My name is Suzi.
I'll see you another time. Cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Keep it going for Suzi Ruffell,
y'all.
Right? Absolute national treasure.
OK, look, I got one more for you.
This young man is the future
of comedy
and you are going to love him.
Put your hands together
and make some noise
for Finlay Christie!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh!
This is good, this. How's it going?
You guys all right?
CHEERING
Good to be here, man.
I'm Finlay.
I'm I'm 26.
CHEERING
It's nice to be a young comedian,
but, you know,
I'm trying to engage more with,
like, elderly culture.
LAUGHTER
I was listening to the news
the other week on the radio.
It's all, like, old people moaning
about being cold.
LAUGHTER
It's all cold old people.
I'm young and hot, I don't
I was listening
I was listening the other day.
It was an old lady calling in
to, like, a talk radio station.
She calls in.
She goes, "Oh, Nick,
I can't afford to heat my house."
I was thinking,
"I'll never have one, you know?"
Like, to a young person,
"I can't afford to heat my house,"
it does just sound like a brag.
LAUGHTER
It sounds like, "I can't
afford to fuel my Porsche."
It's like you
You have a house
..with a chair lift.
I mean, you have stairs
you don't even use.
I'd pay good money to live
under those stairs.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Everything Everything she says,
she's complaining,
but, to me, it sounds like a boast.
Like at one point she's like,
"Well, since last year, I
"I live alone."
LAUGHTER
Well done, no flatmates.
You made it out of the hood.
She's like,
"I have to take pills every day."
That's gangsta. Congratulations.
26, I feel like on my own
in a big house,
everyone from school's dead,
that's the dream, man.
LAUGHTER
I don't follow
climate change news either,
which is bad, isn't it?
It's bad.
I don't follow Well, I smoke weed
and watch Frozen Planet.
That's as close as it gets,
but it's not like
It's not a relaxing activity.
I think it used to be.
I think people used to, you know,
smoke weed,
watch a nature documentary.
It was, like, a relaxing thing.
But because of climate change
..yeah, I was Oh, man,
I was doing it the other day,
there was a polar bear on
a tiny piece of ice and I
..I got sad. I
I started thinking about
how sad it is,
obviously, soon,
because of climate change,
the polar bears,
they won't have any ice left.
Future generations,
they're not going to grow up
in a world with polar bears.
And that made me sad.
And then the next clip in the show
was of a polar bear,
like, swimming.
I was like, "Oh.
"They'll be fine."
No-one told me they could swim.
I
I thought they were drowning.
Now I want to see a polar bear on
a little bit of ice.
I'm like, "Look at this drama queen.
Just
"..swim to
anotherlike a bigger bit."
Stop trying to get adopted, you know?
Then I came up with a solution.
I'm like,
"Oh, my God,
I know how we save polar bears.
"The Arctic's too hot.
"We need to put the polar bears
somewhere cold.
"I'm thinking
"..old people's houses."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right?
Save the polar bears.
Get those lonely old people a nice,
warm friend.
Some people get annoyed when you do
comedy about generational stuff,
you know, Gen Z, millennial, boomer.
Isn't it all the same?
I think there are
There are some differences.
The way we use social media,
very different
young to old, obviously.
I think older people, even, like,
the generation above me,
I think older people tend
to use social media
to kind of show off
about their achievements.
Whereas, like, young people,
we use it to, like, show off
about our struggles.
You look at the Instagram bio of
an older person,
they list their achievements.
Be like, "Dentist, husband, father."
Whereas, like, my friends will
put their mental disorders
in their bio
..like ADHD, autistic,
plant-based and like
I can't
But, like, I don't have any
I don't have a disorder.
I think it gets you some clout
to have a disorder.
I want something,
I don't have anything.
I'm too privileged.
I don't have ADHD.
I don't have PTSD.
When I have Vietnam flashbacks,
they're of a nice holiday.
LAUGHTER
I want something, you know? I want
I was at a party recently.
I was telling a story
in a group of people.
It was going well.
Then this girl starts talking
about how she has OCD,
suddenly the whole conversation is
about her.
Like, everyone forgot that I'm funny
and interesting.
LAUGHTER
I was thinking, I was
I was annoyed.
I was, you know,
I was in the middle
of telling a story about my time
in 'Nam.
LAUGHTER
No, I did two tours,
bus and walking,
and then she comes along
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
At the end of last year,
I went to New Orleans in America,
like a party town in America
and it got messy.
I was out late at night.
It was 4am. I was drunk,
I was on my own.
My friends had gone back to
the hotel.
These two women saw me from across
the street in New Orleans.
They shouted at me from across
the street.
They went, "Hey!
"Baby boy.
"Wewant to fuck you."
And I believed them.
LAUGHTER
And I got robbed and
Yeah.
They fucked me, all right.
They were like, "Oh"
They saw me from across the street.
They were like, "Oh, come and get
in our car," right?
And I'm from London,
I've never been in a car,
obviously I'm going to
And I'm think
In my head I'm like,
"I'm doing this for the plot, right?
"I'm going to get some
kind of story out of this,
"whether this goes well or badly,
"you know, I'm going to
get some kind of"
Either the story's going to be,
"Oh, my God,
"remember Finlay had that threesome?"
Or the story's going to be,
"Oh, my God, remember Finlay?
So, like, either way
LAUGHTER
..I'm getting some kind of story,
right?
I get in their car.
They hand me a drink
and I'm drinking with them
..chatting, having a good time.
I realise pretty quickly
that I've been drugged.
Now, joke's on them -
I love drugs.
LAUGHTER
The stuff that they spiked me with,
I recognised it.
I spike myself with it
all the time.
It's a drug called diazepam.
It's part of the benzodiazepine
family
CHEERING
..a family I love more than my own.
So, I'm in the car.
They've tried to knock me out.
It's not worked.
I'm looking at them.
"Do you have any more, actually?"
They go into plan B. The driver
So, I'm in the passenger seat, right?
There's a woman in the driver's seat,
woman in the backseat.
The woman in the driver's seat,
she reached into my trousers
and she went,
"Ooh.
"You've got a fat cock.
"Give me your credit card.
I'll go buy us some condoms."
Alarm bells should have been going.
Cos I do not have a fat cock.
But apparently,
if you tell me I have a fat cock
..I'll give you my credit card.
I'm like, "Where I'm from, we call
it a chubby willy. There you go."
So I'm a card down.
I'm still in their car, though,
so I'm thinking they're
going to come back.
They do come back.
We're driving along.
I'm out of it.
I'm in a Hawaiian shirt, you know.
Well, actually, it was just a normal
shirt, but it was from Hawaii.
And then we get to where
I think their place is.
I'm excited.
They're like, "Oh, we're here."
I'm like, "Yes!"
Open the car door,
get out the car,
shut the car door behind me
..and the car screeches off down
the road, just a dot on the horizon.
I check my pockets -
I don't have my phone or my card.
I was like, "Fair enough,"
do you know what I mean?
It was, like, 80/20, get robbed,
have a threesome. I rolled the dice.
You would have done the same thing,
you know.
Managed to find my way home.
Found my way home.
Woke up the next morning,
checked my online banking.
They'd spent a grand on my card.
Got that refunded
from the bank, though.
Had to get a new phone
..but I needed a new phone.
So, really
..I just spent the difference in
price of the phone to get in a car,
get some drugs,
have a fat cock for 12 minutes.
I robbed them.
I feel bad.
I called my mum that morning.
I didn't know what else to do.
I called my mum.
I told her, I was like,
"Mum, I got robbed."
She was like, "Are you hurt?"
I said, "No."
She said, "Did they have a gun?"
I said, "No."
She said, "Well, how
"..how did you get robbed?"
I was like, "They had a gun,
I forgot."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
She's like, "They said you
had a fat cock, didn't they?"
This has been pretty cool, this.
Erm Yeah.
Cheers.
DESIREE: Mate, well done.
Give it up for Finlay Christie.
Have you had a fantastic night,
Apollo?
CHEERING
Yes, yes, you sexy witch.
All right, let's give it up
one more time
for all the acts
you've seen tonight.
Give it up for
Suzi Ruffell, Finlay Christie
..and I've been Desiree Burch
..and you've been
an absolute pleasure.
Goodnight, Apollo!