American Dad s20e05 Episode Script

1
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[WHIP CRACKS]
- You are cool.
- [GLASS CREAKS]
Cool as a cucumber.
- A cucumber doesn't want
- [SNAPS]
- it doesn't fear.
- [BELT SNAPS]
- [BOOK THUDS]
- It just is.
Everyone, come quick!
Steve is doing something.
I'm psyching myself up
for the Langley Church Carnival.
Take this with a grain of salt
because I've never been to this fair
and this is the first I'm hearing of it.
You're not ready.
The Church Carnival closes
the summer social calendar.
It's a chance to reinvent yourself
right before school starts again.
And you're going as
[HESITATES] What did you say? A pickle?
Your trolling would've
gotten to the old Steve,
but new me is easy and/or breezy.
I've been very patient.
Please talk about the belt now.
It's the centerpiece to the new me.
Gives me the confidence of a cucumber.
Famously the most confident
of all the penis-shaped foods.
- [BELT SNAPS]
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
Ready to go, Steve?
Whoa! I'm loving
the new braided centerpiece.
You guys are doing this fair thing, too?
Carnival. And yes.
It's the perfect opportunity
to reset who you are
before the school year.
If it goes well.
[EXCITEDLY] It goes wrong sometimes?
Hayley had a bad carnival last summer.
Derailed her whole year.
She developed an unhealthy bond
with a goat in the petting zoo.
They caught her trying to, uh
To lure it away into a porta-potty.
[HAYLEY] Are you guys
talking about the goat again?
- Let it go!
- You freaked everyone out!
[HAYLEY] He needed to be alone!
With me!
This fair sounds incredible!
Everyone get in the car
right freaking now.
Well, it doesn't start for a few hours.
Wow. I can't stop learning
things about this fair!
- [CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
-
I can't do it.
This Henley was a mistake.
Look how much chest I'm
just giving away for free.
Be honest, is it slutty?
Honestly? Yes.
But in a way that really sings.
If anything,
I'm worried about my bold lip.
- Is it
- Absolutely perfect? Yes.
Those lips belong in Paris
or on a motorcycle.
I can't wait to see them
drop like a curtain
on a bunch of fried pickles.
Oh, Stan.
[BOTH KISSING]
Right. I've watched 16
hours of YouTube videos
on how to beat every rigged game here.
Those carny fat cats have
had it too good for too long.
And I am gonna have a normal time.
I'm certainly not going
anywhere near the porta-potties.
Or the petting zoo
You're literally acting
insane about this.
Can we just forget
about the goat? I have.
I bet he wouldn't even
recognize me anyway.
I mean, I've grown a bunch.
Has he grown? I don't care!
And I've got my cucumber thing!
Oh, wait, was that Steve's?
I will also be a cucumber.
Whoa, Steve, nice belt.
Thanks. That flamenco fingernail
is nothing to sneeze at either.
This? Oh, no.
My new thing is gonna be cocaine.
So what do we do first?
Check out the rides? The girls?
The women?
This year, I'm easy-peasy Steazy.
I'm even willing to ride
the big-kid rides.
Are you sure?
Snot, look at my belt.
The new Steve is ready for anything.
That's great news!
'Cause there's a new ride this year
that's supposed to be nuts.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] There is?
Satan's Tantrum.
[RIDE WHOOSHING]
- [DEMONIC LAUGHTER PLAYING FROM RIDE]
- [FIRE CRACKLING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[SHEEPISHLY] Very cool.
But what's the rush, right?
Let's get some funnel cake first
[MERTZ] Stop hitting yourself!
- [SMACKING]
- [GRUNTING]
Steve! Help me!
- [SMACKS]
- Smith!
I was just thinking about how
I'd like to hit you with this.
Uh, I got a cricket leg in
my funnel cake last year.
Let's hit that ride.
What about Billy?
Billy might've been the aggressor here.
We came in late.
- Now the trick here is the backspin
- [BALL CLATTERING]
Hey, watch it!
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
I'm not a prize to be won.
Help! I'm being trafficked!
Probably for sex!
- Wait, is it for sex?
- No.
Okay, yeah. Then help!
- [FIRE CRACKLING]
- [CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
The best part is it wasn't
even built by a ride architect.
- Then who made it?
- A guy.
After he built it,
he was committed to an insane asylum.
Are pieces supposed to
be falling off like that?
- [BOLT WHOOSHES]
- [GRUNTS AND THUDS]
Nobody knows!
That's what makes it great!
- Step on the scale, boy.
- [NEEDLE CLATTERS]
And get this. No height requirement.
Just a weight requirement.
The guy was absolutely mental.
What happens if you don't weigh enough?
[BOTH] You fly out.
[NEEDLE CLATTERING]
Huh. He's not heavy enough.
But Toshi's smaller than me.
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
[ANGRILY] Oh! I can't ride the ride!
Ugh! Enjoy the hell out of it, boys.
I'm gonna try to cool
off in the mirror maze.
[MUMBLES ANGRILY]
Hi. I'm a little late to
the game on this fair thing,
but I'm loving what I'm
seeing from you carnies.
Doing drugs in the open, having filthy
hay sex while your teeth drop out.
- I'll do anything to work here.
- You're hired.
Fantastic!
I need the first two weeks off.
- [CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
-
[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, big guy.
Close shave out there.
Satan's Tantrum was a curveball.
It's okay to be scared.
You're still King Cuke.
[BOY LAUGHING]
Mertz.
Wow.
What in the candy-ass hell
did I just stumble on?
- [MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, no.
I can't control myself.
When I see a wuss being this vulnerable,
my body just has to bully.
Good luck catching the real me.
I know this place like the back of my
[THUDS AND GRUNTS]
This is exciting.
I wonder what my body's gonna do to you.
I know my rights!
I am allowed to sing to the goat.
[NERVOUSLY] You're a cucumber.
You're a cucumber.
- [THUDS]
- Not this one.
He's a flight risk.
[NEEDLE CLATTERING]
Hot damn!
Welcome to hell, boy.
No, please! Somebody stop him!
- [STEVE GRUNTS]
- [MENACING LAUGHTER PLAYING FROM RIDE]
- [FIRE WHOOSHING OUTSIDE]
- What are you doing?
I told you, I don't know.
But whatever happens
is your fault, King Cuke.
[RIDE WHIRRING]
[SCREAMS]
[THUDDING AND GRUNTING]
[THUDDING AND GRUNTING CONTINUES]
[SCREAMING]
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
Ahhh!
Steve! I got you!
Next on Greg's Goodies,
I'll be trying the famous
twice-fried corn dogs
[GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
A real news story. And at the carnival.
My school year is set.
- [GRUNTING]
- [BELT STRAINS]
[CROWD GASPING]
Ooh, you are so dead.
Everyone saw that!
Assault, attempted murder,
and worst of all,
misleading an innocent carny!
I know what your body's gonna do next.
Go straight to jail!
- [WHIRRING STOPS]
- [DOOR CLANKS]
[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
We'll see if we can get a word
from the hero himself.
- Hang on
- And hang on, he did. To you.
What was going through
your mind up there?
Nothing. I I just did it.
Inspiring words.
And what's new about me is the bolo tie!
And at the height of Satan's Tantrum,
Mertz, clear-eyed and cool.
And Steve, the sniveling nerd,
unchanged by the
miracle of the carnival,
wearing pink heart boxers,
like a cartoon sea captain
whose pants are ripped
open by an alligator.
Can't say I love the way
I'm being depicted.
I gotta set the record straight.
Mertz is no hero.
It's his fault I was
even on that death trap!
[SUCKS AIR] Uh
- What?
- It's just that he did save your life.
Criticizing Mertz now might
come across as ungrateful?
[NERVOUSLY] Dare I say, uncool.
He's tormented us our entire lives.
Barry, he Gorilla Glued
your boobs together.
You had to have surgery.
We know that.
But I think Barry's right.
You gotta let this blow over.
On the bright side,
he hasn't bullied any of us today.
True. I don't miss the usual
back-to-school butt crack wet willy.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe this will all
die down in a few days.
-
- A key to the city is the greatest honor
Langley Falls can bestow upon a citizen.
[DEJECTED] Though, in truth,
it opens very little.
The holes simply aren't big enough,
I've found.
And so, to you, Mertz,
we offer this key.
Thank you for not forcing me
to cancel the carnival
because of a death.
Thank you.
But the truth is I'm no hero.
[WOMAN] That's a thing a hero would say.
I've done a lot of things
I'm not proud of.
I used to prey on the weak.
Steve in particular.
Uh, for the record,
that was the old Steve.
If I can draw your attention
to my belt for a moment
But saving him awoke
in me a desire to do good.
Now I get up each day
and try to be the person
all of you believe I am already.
- Thank you.
- [CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
I wasn't supposed to be on that ride.
And for the other boy,
Zanes department store
has graciously donated
a pack of less embarrassing underwear.
- [PACKET RUSTLES]
- For the love of My underwear is fine!
No! They're the underwear
of a foppish captain
who gets his pants ripped
open by a hungry alligator!
I've seen that one!
What was it called?
Meet me by the stage.
Everyone else, go home.
Francine, your makeup.
People are gonna think we skipped
this thing to have sex in the car.
Especially the people
who saw us doing it.
Can we go now?
Mertz, we never had a chance
to say a proper thank you
for what you did for Steve.
I'd shake your hand,
but I haven't washed mine,
and I, uh, just did something cool.
Do you have dinner plans tonight?
I was gonna have a quiet night in.
Dang, he's booked up. Let's go.
Come to our house for dinner.
It's the least we can do.
Wow. Uh, okay. Thank you.
Dad, no!
He once did an entire history report
on the agrarian
tradition of plowing Mom!
Great. You never wanna talk about
the stuff I'm interested in.
So, Mertz,
what kind of doors are open to you
now that you're a celebrity?
I bet you could get on Raya easy.
Everyone's been so generous.
The petting zoo said I could pick
any animal I want and keep it.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[CLEARS THROAT] What did you decide on?
Could someone pass me a napkin?
A teacup piglet.
Hmm. Yeah, I don't see what
the fuss is about this guy.
Okay.
Probably time for Mertz to be
hitting the old dusty trail.
No can do. I am not leaving
you guys with all these dishes.
That's sort of my thing.
Since when?
Let him clean up if he wants.
I torched the casserole dish.
It's gonna need a hero.
- [WATER SPLASHING]
- All right.
You got into my house,
you won over my family.
Congratulations.
Now you can use it all
to stab me in the heart.
That's the plan, right?
There's no plan, Steve.
God's plan, maybe.
Something shifted
inside me on that ride.
Something more than
my elbow popping out.
Well, I don't buy the act.
I'm not gonna spend the
rest of my life in debt
to the guy who gave me a swirly
in a toilet he upper-decked.
Steve, I don't think you understand.
I'm in debt to you.
For the first time in my life,
I like who I am.
You saved me.
And I can't wait to tell the
whole world about it tomorrow.
- What What's tomorrow?
- You didn't hear?
Buddy, we're gonna be on Morning Mimosa!
Hmm. Show the world
who you truly are, you say.
I didn't. But I love when
you put words in my mouth.
Gives my tongue a rest.
Look, babe! I got you a goat!
Who's that? I don't know that goat.
It's a goat, like you like.
Oh. Wow.
Okay, now I'm starting to
see what's going on here.
"Hayley likes goats. Any goat will do."
Is that about right?
I I don't understand.
Yeah, well, everything's
coming into focus for me.
I'm achieving a level of
clarity about you now.
Did I do something wrong?
Get out of here.
And take whatever it is
you think this is, with you.
- The goat?
- Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
- Just go, honey. Go.
- Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
That went so sideways in there.
What the hell did you do?
[BLEATS]
Stop saying that!
- [SHOW THEME PLAYING]
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Welcome back from our Boot
and Rally intermission
sponsored by Fruit Stripe gum.
Fruit Stripe gum!
For when you need your mouth
to be as fresh as a zebra.
Our producer, Charlie, is telling me
our guests are the carnival
hero and the boy he saved.
So tell us, are you as worried as me
that every car is clay-colored now?
- Uh
- Sure.
[CHUCKLES] In fact, there's not
much I don't worry about, Suze.
Yes! You look like a worrier.
Guilty. I'm a bit of a wuss.
I have this fun little thing
I like to do that helps me.
It's incredibly earnest and vulnerable.
Do you all wanna see it?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
[WHISPERS] Please don't.
Steven Anita Smith.
My middle name is Anita.
You are cool.
Cool as a big, firm cucumber.
[GRUMBLING SOFTLY]
Calm and cool.
Probably the coolest of all the fruits.
The King Cuke.
- [GRUNTS]
- [AUDIENCE GASP]
[WHISPERS] Gotcha.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
I don't know why I did that.
No, I feel it too. I want
I want to stuff him somewhere small?
- His place!
- Yes!
I wanna put him in his place!
[AUDIENCE CHANTING] In his place!
In his place!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Stop!
I don't mean to silence women,
but where you look at Steve
and see a four-eyed weenie,
I see a guy with the
courage to try to change.
- [SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]
- And in the end,
isn't that what we all really want?
To be better versions of ourselves?
To be more like Steve?
- You son of a bitch!
- [THUDS]
Ow! My arm!
- [GRUNTING]
- Show them you're a bully!
- Free for all!
- [GRUNTING CONTINUES]
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[EXHALES IN RELIEF] Snot's basement,
my safe place.
Figuratively.
The radon actually makes
it pretty dangerous
to spend much time down here.
Are you okay?
We saw the show.
No. But I will be.
Thanks for doing this
emergency sleepover.
You guys might be the only ones
immune to the Mertz-mania.
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
- [MERTZ] Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
Pizza Overlord keeps giving me pizzas.
I hope it's okay that I brought some.
Yum, yum, yum! I'm fat.
[ANGRILY] Is that what
you all want me to say?
[ANGRILY] You invited Mertz?
Steve, he said some beautiful things
about you on Morning Mimosa.
I think he's being sincere.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] And the
Steve we saw in the show
[GULPS] that wasn't you.
[CHOMPING]
We thought the real Steve would
want the chance to apologize.
No way!
I'm not apologizing to that
that douche nozzle!
- Whoa!
- Too far, Steve.
We've always believed the
carnival is an opportunity
to change who you are.
Why can't you accept
that's also true for Mertz?
Because I didn't change!
I tried and I couldn't!
And if I can't,
then this monster doesn't deserve to!
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[GRUNTING]
Wrong, Steve. You did change.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] I did?
- For the worse!
- [BOARD SHREDS]
- [SCREAMING]
Look what I've done to your game.
I'll just go.
Enjoy the pies.
No! Mertz, stay.
- Steve, you go.
- [ANGRILY] Me?
Look what you've become, Steve.
Get out!
[WHIMPERS]
[IMITATING MERTZ'S FANS]
"Ooh, Mertz, we all love you
and your idiot broken arm, Mertz!"
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- [RAIN PATTERING]
[IMITATING FEMALE FAN]
"Kiss my baby, Mertz.
Now kiss me, Mertz."
"Now let's all kiss at the same time
- on Steve's stupid grave!"
- [CAR ENGINE WHIRRING]
Steve! I got worried when
it started raining. Hop in.
- Stop kissing everyone?
- What?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]
Whoa. Is it raining?
I love my job!
- Leave me alone!
- I can't.
I'd never forgive myself if
something happened to you.
- [ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Oop.
Gotta blot that before it stains.
I got napkins here somewhere.
Look, maybe you have changed.
Maybe you're a completely
different person.
But that doesn't change
the fact that I hate you.
And I hate that I'm gonna be
an afterthought to you
the rest of my life!
Back in the seat.
Almost ready to look out
the windshield again.
Where my eye drops at?
- [TRUCK ENGINE REVVING]
- [SCREAMS]
- [ENGINE ACCELERATING]
- Ah.
[SCREAMS IN HIGH-PITCH]
[TRUCK TIRES, CAR TIRES SCREECHING]
[TIRES RATTLING ON ROAD]
- Ooh. That was
- [TRUCK SLAMS]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [STEVE] Dad?
- Oh, Steve!
We were so worried!
Are you naked?
Yes. Your mother prefers
when I dress like this.
My arms.
- I I can't
- believe I got the correct goat?
I believe.
I always believed.
And now it doesn't matter
if no one else understands.
I understand a little.
Oh, really, Jeff? What part exactly?
[SOBBING]
Don't feel bad for him.
This is what he does!
And I've given up
on the carnival circuit.
Kicked out, really, for hygiene reasons.
Gotta keep my eyes peeled
for something less
buttoned-up than carny life.
And is that Klaus?
Timing will be of the essence.
While Sergei is clogging the filter,
it will be up to me to open the window
so Beth can catapult Pierre to freedom.
Oh, my God, guys. That's my family!
Get me out of here!
Good to leave? Seemed like you're
in the middle of something.
An escape plan for the clownfish.
It's fine. I wasn't crucial.
- [FILTER BURBLING]
- [FISH SPLATTERS]
Wonderful. You're awake.
You're very lucky you made it.
A certain hero got you
here in the nick of time.
Oh, no.
- [CURTAIN RATTLES]
- [VENTILATOR WHOOSHING]
Whoops! Wrong curtain.
The truck driver's in
pretty rough shape.
[CURTAIN RATTLES]
Lucky, too,
that Mertz was a donor match.
Okay, everyone, that's visiting hours.
Steve needs rest.
Mertz, you can do whatever you like.
Come by the parking lot when you're done,
and I'll smoke you out.
They gave me this
Jel-O for giving blood,
and I I figured
you could use it more.
I've got a spoon here somewhere.
I guess I owe you an apology.
You really have changed.
Into my belt?
Oh. You noticed my little trophy, huh?
- [MENACING MUSIC PLAYS]
- [WHISPERS] It's for
defeating you completely.
- What?
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] I was being honest
when I said you changed me, Smith.
You unlocked a whole new form of
torture I didn't know was in me.
I call it long-form bullying.
- You're not even hurt.
- Right?
And we're the only ones
who will ever know.
I saved your life
so I could ruin it, Smith.
Oh. There's that spoon.
[SNIFFS, GAGS] Ugh, that's ripe.
Hope this doesn't overpower
your white grape Jel-O.
It's a delicate taste.
[SCREAMING] No!
You wanted to see me, detectives?
- We need you to take a look at something.
- [BUTTON BEEPS]
- [FRIDGE DOOR HISSES]
- [SLAB WHIRS]
[STEVE] Am I supposed to know him?
The truck driver who
hit you 50 years ago.
The guy who made you more metal than me.
I'm no filthy bot!
Easy. Easy.
Our future technology has allowed
us to do a retinal scan on cadavers
and see everything they've ever seen.
Show him, Kyle.
[SCANNER BUZZING]
I saved your life
so I could ruin it, Smith.
All your complaints over the years,
and you were right all along.
On behalf of the Langley
Acid Falls Police Department,
we want to issue an unofficial apology.
[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
Wait, unofficial?
We can't ever let this footage leak.
It'd cause global instability
and threaten the reputation
of the United States President.
President Mertz.
Man, I'd love to get a belt like his.
Ah, so cool.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!