American Dad s20e06 Episode Script

1
Good morning, USA ♪
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky ♪
Has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
Good morning, USA ♪
[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]
I love dim sum.
So many bites of delicious fun ♪
Spin the lazy Susan
for another one ♪
- No.
- There they are.
Oh, it's so good to see you,
even under such awful circumstances.
I can't believe they're tearing down
Win Sum Lose Sum Dim Sum.
They're tearing down all of Chinatown.
For what?
Dumbass apartments
no one wants to live in.
We're building New Chinatown Town,
which I think is a great name.
Not to replace what came before it,
but to honor it.
That is why both Cheesecake Factories
in New Chinatown Town
are renaming their
world-famous Bang Bang Chicken
to Old Dirty Chinatown Chicken.
Man, Vic Mancuso is the best.
The confidence to wear gator skin
shoes to a construction site?
I wish I had that.
Enough chitchat. Let's eat.
Excited to try this place.
Never been here.
And I'm aspiring food vlogger Jake Eatz.
I go to food places, sit in my car
and film myself eating
and talking about it,
all while masturbating just below frame.
Don't worry, everybody.
I can handle the ordering.
We'll have a large Meat Lover's Pizza,
nine Oreo McFlurries,
a blooming onion,
and a pitcher of Mountain Dew Code Red.
Okay.
You know, Steve,
the history of Chinatown goes back
all the way to the 15th century.
What?
During the Ming dynasty,
the sailor Jung Hu
captained the great fleet.
Every ship filled with treasure.
- Treasure?
- Shh.
To show the world China's wealth,
he sailed to India and then to Africa,
and some people think
he then sailed here.
How'd he sail on land?
No, you dummy.
Using his magical compass,
Jung Hu sailed all the way to America
and buried his treasure
right here in Langley Falls.
And Chinatown grew over it?
Yes, dummy.
Legend says there's an amulet
that can lead you to the start.
And I have it!
Oops!
These are my dog tags from
Madonna's Express Yourself tour
Ah, here. I won it in a poker game.
I had three eights,
Bah Bah, are you talking
about treasure to my son?
No, we were talking about pleasure.
Right, Steve?
Yeah, pleasure.
Why is it we always say,
"It's a pleasure to meet you"?
It's a little early to know, right?
[LAUGHS]
Ugh!
Good cover, Steve.
[WAITRESS] Fifteen
plates of chicken feet.
Gross.
- [HAYLEY] What?
- Roger!
Hey, no way I ordered 15 of these.
And I'm still waiting for
that pitcher of Code Red.
Forget it, Jake Eatz.
It's Chinatown.
[APPLAUDING SOFTLY]
Well, I don't think
I'm beating that one.
See you next week.
It was so cool hanging with Mah Mah
and Bah Bah the other day.
Don't think I didn't hear you
two talking about treasure.
Most of my friends'
grandparents are into lame stuff.
Like the show Blue Bloods and dying.
I love that Bah Bah is
into treasure hunting.
He's a fool.
Why are you so harsh on Bah Bah?
A fool, I say.
A fool of the highest order.
You know why, Steve?
Because the treasure doesn't exist.
It's a bogus legend.
Possibly the dumbest
treasure story ever told.
Sixty-two ships all
bigger than the Titanic,
all full of treasure
which they hauled by foot
42 miles to Langley Falls?
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
She's questioning how Bah Bah
got the magic amulet
in a poker game with three eighths.
Three eighths?
If you had something of immense value,
you don't put it down on a hand
that could lose to three eights.
Okay, I get it.
The whole treasure thing's dumb.
Can we go?
I've had to poop for five errands.
Holy cow, what a line.
Thanks for helping, guys.
I'm having a tough time
launching my channel.
I've only put two videos up.
One's an out of focus video of my shoe,
and the other was when a wild
turkey wandered into our yard.
Kind of blew up.
But it got de monetized,
because Counting Crows was
playing in the background.
Don't worry.
All Haley and I do is watch TikTok.
- Being a food vlogger is easy.
- Make a bunch of noises while you eat,
then say what you like about it.
It's your boy Jake Eatz,
and I'm at the Chili Hat.
It's a burger place,
but they're known for their chili.
Let's take the lid off
and get a good whiff.
[INHALES]
A little spicy.
[SNEEZING]
Ah, sorry. I'll go get some napkins.
They made me wait in line
just for more napkins.
And did you get the chili, too?
[SIGHS WEARILY]
I'll be back.
Leave the napkins!
- Catch.
- [WIND BLOWING]
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
I'll get some more napkins, too.
Where are you going
with all those big menus?
These are books on Chinese lore.
Just because Mom
doesn't want to entertain
Bah Bah's sweet little treasure fantasy,
doesn't mean I can't.
[FRANCINE] That's exactly what it means.
Mom, don't you want me
to connect with Bah Bah?
Of course.
Just not over treasure.
Which is everything with him.
That's why I forbid you
to hang out with him!
You're so unfair!
And I did not like
that thing you just did
where you pretended
to be nice and then changed.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Wow, that was a lot to process.
I need to stop thinking for a while.
That's better.
[SOBBING]
[TAPPING ON GLASS]
Oh, look, a note.
[SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, Steve, I'm sorry
That little [SCREAMS]
[SNIFFS] English Leather and Hot Takis.
Bah Bah.
[SCREAMS]
Steve, you got my pigeon!
My mom's gonna kill me
if she sees I'm gone.
Not if we find a treasure.
"Watching time go by,
guarding the start."
According to legend,
the key to the entrance
was an ancient sundial.
Unfortunately, I think they
built that clock tower over it.
Then last night,
I remember seeing that the other day.
[STEVE] "Watching time go by."
That lion's watching the old sundial!
Wait, those books I read
said that in Chinese culture,
it's bad luck to enter
a lion by the mouth.
Then I guess that means
- your grandma isn't a lion.
- Ugh.
I'm serious.
It's why MGM Las Vegas had to change
its original lion's head entrance.
Maybe it goes somewhere else?
[FRANCINE] Steve,
get your hand out of that lion's butt.
I knew I couldn't trust you, Bah Bah.
Come on, Steve. We're going home.
[RUMBLING, HISSING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God. It's the entrance!
Come on, let's check it out.
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAM ECHOES]
Great. Now I have to go save him.
Oh, boo hoo.
Francine has to go
on an exciting treasure hunt.
[STEVE] Ugh! My bones!
- [FRANCINE GRUNTS]
- Quit lying around, you two.
There's treasure to find!
[FIRE WHOOSHING]
[SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow!
It's beautiful.
[BAH BAH] When I arrive, you can go.
These are Chinese numbers.
Maybe it's a date?
Oh, the year Jung Hu came to America.
You know it, Frannie. Sing it.
Jung Hu sailed for fun ♪
Came to Langley in 1421 ♪
That's it!
Although extremely lacking in pizzazz.
[RUMBLING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[WATER WHOOSHING]
We thinking this water is a good thing?
Whisk us away to the next area?
Oh, yeah, it'll whisk us away
[AGGRESSIVELY] to our death!
Mom, you're doing
the nice-to-mean thing.
This makes no sense.
All the research points to 1421.
Damn it, Bah Bah.
Your stupid obsession
is gonna get us killed.
Stupid obsession!
We're probably 50 feet from all
the treasure of 15th century China.
"Fifteenth century China"?
We're idiots!
They didn't use the same calendar as us.
[LAUGHS]
Our 1421 was their 4118.
We are so stupid!
[WATER BUBBLING]
[WATER GURGLING]
[ALL COUGHING]
Few more seconds and
I'd have brain damage.
Wait, do I have brain damage?
Ask me Snot's social security number.
9-8-5-0-0-7-1-9-9.
Oh, thank God!
Good to see you again.
Oh, you're not Dana.
Well, let me catch you up.
I've been through this line six
times over the last nine hours,
and I still haven't been
able to review your chili.
Once I sneezed it all over my RAV4.
Twice I dropped it.
Then some teenager slapped
the bowl out of my hands.
I guess it's called a chili check?
Pretty funny.
Then I got clipped by a VW Golf.
But that was my fault,
'cause I was walking backwards
through the parking lot
having a heated exchange
with an off-duty baseball coach.
So, anyway, one small chili, please.
Chili check!
Ha! Still funny.
I got chili checked again.
I gotta hop back in line.
Oh, no. Looks like
the shark's nest just let out.
They must have given up three
touchdowns in the fourth quarter.
So everyone's cashing in
their free Cheer Up Chili.
Sometimes when you lose, you really win.
Hey, there's still some chili in here.
Chili check.
Look, the door.
But look, moonlight.
A way out!
This whole place is
falling in on itself.
We gotta get out of here.
Get out?
We're closer now than we've ever been.
We'll finally be crazy rich Asians,
just like in that movie Parasite!
This is what you always did.
Put treasure ahead of everyone.
You wasted my whole childhood
training me for treasure hunting.
Rock climbing, Chinese lore, Krav Maga.
Dislocating my limbs
- to fit through tight spaces.
- [BONE CLICKS]
Well, can I offer one rebuttal
- in my defense?
- What?
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- Go! Whoo!
I think of all the good
times that I've missed ♪
But that sweet treasure
I just cannot resist ♪
Ow!
I got it bad ♪
Got it bad, got it bad ♪
I'm hot for treasure ♪
I got it bad ♪
So bad ♪
I'm hot for treasure ♪
Take it, Steve.
[GUITAR SOLO PLAYING]
[GASPS]
[LOW RUMBLING]
Come on! We're gonna get smushed!
[BAH BAH] Let's go, Steve.
We can still get the treasure.
Sorry, Mom.
Steve, no!
[STEVE] I must have slid weird.
Look away, Bah Bah.
Vic Mancuso?
Vic Mancuso!
Vic Mancuso?
Vic Mancuso!
Thank God you're working
in the dead of night.
I know this sounds crazy,
but my father and son
are stuck underground in a
dangerous web of treasure tunnels.
Please, calm down.
Step into my little portable
construction office thingie.
I don't know what they're called.
Do you?
Let's just go inside.
I don't get why Mom's still upset.
You were right about everything.
There's another room down there.
[ECHOING] Not again!
[BONE CRACKS]
Oh, my spine! My precious spine!
[VIC] Sorry, what were you saying?
Something about a tiger's butt?
Lion's butt.
The lion statue right
here in the square.
Please, excuse my silk kung fu robe.
I'm in the middle of one of
my many daily suit changes.
Of course.
I see you've noticed from my objet d'art
and Jackie Chan posters that I
appreciate fine Chinese things.
I could watch Rush Hour 2 all day.
Yeah, it's a great movie.
- I'm gonna need some henchmen in here.
- Wait, what?
Francine, I didn't buy old dirty
Chinatown just to turn a profit.
If the legends are true,
Jung Hu's mythical compass
is right below us.
With that power,
I could redevelop the world.
Wait a second.
You're a bad guy!
Listen up. This lady,
a grandpa, and some dumb kid
found the entrance
to the treasure before you!
You knew about the treasure?
Now it will be super easy
to catch up to your family,
force the old guy to lead us
to the treasure and kill them.
Ugh! Sometimes I'm so smart,
and sometimes I so dumb.
Also, guys, I think getting
outsmarted by this group of rag tags
is another example of how our hybrid
work schedule is just not working.
Henchmen work is something
best done in person.
Everyone's gotta start coming in more.
- No more Zoom.
- [MAN OVER LAPTOP] Sorry, boss.
You cut out for a second.
What'd you say?
[GROANS] Never mind.
[SITAR STRUMS]
You do anything to my son,
and I swear I will find you
and I will hurt you.
You can do whatever you want to my dad.
Oh, you're not going anywhere.
You're sure you're good
to watch her, Trevor?
Yeah, I'm good, Vic.
It's just like I'm there.
She pulls anything, I'll Slack you.
Now it's time to catch these dorks,
get Jung Hu's compass,
and become the most powerful
real estate developer in the world.
Right after I change
my suit one more time.
I'm just worried this one
won't go with the compass.
I'm telling you, Steve,
Mah Mah is insatiable.
Please, stop.
I should've stayed with Mom.
And I gotta pee.
That's, like,
the eighth time you had to pee.
So, anyway, I don't know if it's her,
or just my sex appeal,
but Mah Mah can go all night.
[STEVE] Oh, my God, stop!
[STRAINING]
[PINGS]
Hey, Trevor, do I hear the Bluey
theme song in the background?
Didn't you tell your daughter
no more screen time?
Are you kidding me, Presley?
[CHAIR SCRAPING]
[ROPE TEARING]
Hey, Presley was asleep.
Later, Trevor.
I gotta save my son.
Oh no, you were lying!
You gotta stop trusting everyone,
Trevor!
[THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING]
Hmm. My Chinese is a little rusty.
This either means "quick way"
or "quick death."
I'll take my chances.
- [GRUNTING]
- [BONES CRACKING]
Whee!
[VIC] Another pee puddle.
They must have a dog or something.
[BAH BAH] But if you really want
to juice your grandma's orange
- Mommy!
- Shh.
Mancuso's henchmen
are all over the place.
The guy rebuilding Chinatown?
He's only doing it to get his
hands on Jung Hu's compass.
Let's get moving before one
of them catches up to us.
[HENCHMAN] Too late.
We can take these guys.
Okay, I got this.
Krav Maga. Throat punch!
Throat punch! Throat punch!
I mostly do throat punches.
Good thing these guys all had throats.
Okay, okay, okay.
We are clean.
We have the chili.
Let's do this.
Burgers. More burgers.
Fries.
They forgot the [BLEEP] chili!
[YELLS IN FRUSTRATION]
[SQUELCHING]
That's chilly, huh.
Damn it. She did say,
"Be careful the chili
is under the burgers."
She said it twice, actually.
This can't be the end.
It doesn't make sense.
[SIGHS] I'm gonna go pee again.
You know I didn't have to include
you in my treasure obsession
when you were growing up.
I did it because I enjoy
spending time with you.
I like spending time with you too.
The problem was once
it wasn't treasure related,
you didn't want to spend
time with me anymore.
I'm sorry. I just thought
if I could get the treasure,
I could give you and your sister,
and your mom a better life.
I think I would have just preferred
you more in the life we did have.
[STEVE] Uh, guys,
I think my pee found something.
Maybe we have to twist this rock?
- I'm not touching pee.
- Me either.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Ahhh! Steve has pee hands.
Pee-pee hands kid!
[RUMBLING]
[STEVE] There's an indentation.
We need to fill it with something.
Not just something.
Jung Hu's lucky gold medallion.
Didn't we use that to get in here?
No, that was Jung Hu's amulet.
I'm talking about Jung Hu's medallion,
which I gave to you
for your 12th birthday.
No, you gave me
[GASPS] My necklace!
I knew you'd keep it safe.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[RUMBLING]
[BAH BAH] Jung Hu's compass.
It's magnificent!
And it's all magnifi-mine.
Now I'll have the power
to develop the whole world
into a crappy mixed-use retail space,
where parking is only free
for the first 30 minutes.
And no validations, ever!
[RUMBLING]
Jung Hu!
[RUMBLING]
[LASER DINGING]
[GRUNTS]
[CRASHING]
An exit!
You don't need that.
You already have treasure.
And so do I.
Win Sum, Lose Sum, Dim Sum?
Let's go some!
[RUMBLING CONTINUES]
[CRASHING, GLASS BREAKING]
You fools!
I had it in my hands!
I saved that dummy's life
just so he could die?
Hey, Bah Bah, I have one question.
What were you gonna do
without my necklace?
Hi there, Steve.
I knew you'd show up.
[VIC] Suckers!
Should've gone back in.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
What up? It's your boy Jake Eatz.
And I'm here to tell you what
I think of the Chili Hat.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[EXPLOSION BOOMS]
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Well, guess we better find a way home.
Chili check!
Bye bye! See you soon!