Live at The Apollo (2004) s20e06 Episode Script

MUSIC: Are You going to Be My Girl
by Jet
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight
CHEERING
MUSIC: Shake It Out
by Florence + The Machine
Yes, Apollo!
Let's hear ya!
Hammersmith, make some noise!
Yes, friends.
Yes. Thank you for being
here tonight.
Are we good, Hammersmith?
CHEERING
Oh, baby, yeah.
Can I say that feels good?
I'm just going to get this
out of the way -
I played a gig at the weekend
and it didn't go so well.
I played the Hair Awards.
LAUGHTER
Let me tell you, as a bald man,
that's a long four hours.
LAUGHTER
You know the worst thing of it?
At the end of the Hair Awards,
the guy organising it
came over to me and he goes,
"Well done tonight, mate. Nice one.
Here's a goodie bag."
LAUGHTER
What am I going to do
with a goodie?
There was volumizer in there!
I'm like, that's like giving a
goldfish a parachute.
LAUGHTER
Can I make an admission? Are we
friends? Can I tell you a secret?
SCATTERED CHEERS
I'm as high as a kite.
LAUGHTER
Absolutely off my swede,
and not in an old-school way,
I've not been at the coke.
No, I'm on co-codamol.
LAUGHTER
The dad's drug.
Let me break it down - I was putting
my daughter to bed this evening,
which, weirdly, is the time
I usually like a couple
of lines of cocaine.
LAUGHTER
I find the Gruffalo's a better book
when you're off your nut.
LAUGHTER
"The mouse took a stroll
"..through the deep, dark wood."
"Don't cry, Dad."
"It's the Gruffalo,
no-one understands him."
It's a weird thing.
I put my daughter to bed
I don't know if How many parents
have we got in the room?
Make some noise, parents.
CHEERING
It's a bizarre
I'm still struggling with
the whole sleep thing.
For example, when my daughter does
go to sleep, when she is sleeping,
I'm in there every five minutes
just to make sure
she's still breathing.
I don't know if you do this thing,
running in, going
LAUGHTER
"She's all right.
She's fine. She's
"Just check again.
Just check again.
"She's fine. She's OK.
"Actually, just check one more time.
"Have to do the pulse thing."
I worry I'm still doing
that when she's 21.
LAUGHTER
"Sorry, mate. Just"
LAUGHTER
"Just checking she's"
"Didn't know you were staying over."
LAUGHTER
"You were only
dropping off a pizza."
LAUGHTER
We're going for a thing at the
moment with her
where you put her to bed,
and you have to wait now
for about seven hours
until she actually goes to sleep.
You have to sit in the room until
she's into a deep, deep sleep.
And you sit in a corner.
She's like, "Just sit over there
until I'm asleep,"
and you're like, "OK".
So you sit in the corner
and then you've got to try,
you know, wait two, three hours
before you can sneak out.
It's very hard to sneak when you're
my size, you're 6' 7",
everything creaks when I stand.
I've got flatulence now,
so it's like
TOM BLOWS RASPBERRY
AND MIMICS CREAKING
LAUGHTER
TOM BLOWS RASPBERRIES
IN SYNC WITH STEPS
As I'm making my way out
of the room,
her little head pops up like a
sniper and goes,
"Where are you going, Dad?"
"I need you to wait until
I'm probably asleep."
"It's PROPERLY, you idiot."
LAUGHTER
I was in there tonight
and I know I've got to be here,
so I think, "I've got to get out,
I've got to sneak out best I can."
So I start sneaking out.
And in my daughter's room,
there's a chest of drawers.
I've always got on with his
chest of drawers before,
never had a problem with it before,
never once in my life.
As far as I know, me and the chest
of drawers, we're on good terms.
I start coming out of the room
and I walk past
the chest of drawers
and, as I walk past the chest
of drawers,
I catch three of my toes. Smash!
The pain sears through my body
but I can't scream.
I can't make a sound
cos, if I make a sound,
I'm going to wake her
and then I won't be able to be here.
So I do the most
insane thing, Apollo -
I silently scream.
I go like this
TOM VOCALISES
TOE HITTING DRAWERS
SILENCE
LAUGHTER
Like that's a better thing for
my daughter to wake up and see -
her dad in a room just
looking at her, going
LAUGHTER
And it just It gets worse.
I start freaking out at
the chest of drawers,
like it's a geezer who's knocked
my pint over in a Wetherspoons.
I start going, "You prick,
you snidey little prick.
"I'm a nice guy."
I start fantasising about
what I'm going to do
to the chest of drawers tomorrow.
I'll wave my wife off to work,
my daughter off to nursery,
then go upstairs into the bedroom
and walk up and go,
"You still want to go now?
"You still want to make one with me
in the cold light of day?"
Drag it down to the garage
I'm not going to beat it up,
not in my daughter's bedroom,
that would be psychopathic.
Take it to the garage,
light a cigarette, pour a whisky -
like I'm in a Tarantino movie.
Start circling and going,
"Come on, then, let's have you now."
Pick up a sledgehammer and just
start smashing the granny out of it.
Turn it around and you go, "You tell
all the rest of the stuff
"to not mess with me in the house.
"You tell that fridge door to
close when I push it."
I think I'm carrying a lot
of inner rage, that's what it is,
on the basis that my daughter
doesn't respect me.
She's three and a half, she's got no
respect for me at all. Nothing.
For example, she started school
this week, right?
First day of school,
she's at the bottom of the stairs,
she's trying to put her
little shoes on,
she's got them on the wrong feet,
she's struggling with the laces,
struggling to do up the Velcro.
And I come over and go,
"I've got this. Come here,
I'll do this for you."
Put the shoes on the right feet,
do the laces, do the Velcro,
go, "There we go. Have a good day."
And she stands up and looks at me
up and down she goes
"Oh, wow, Dad.
"Amazing."
LAUGHTER
It was pretty amazing.
You've been there for 45 minutes
making an absolute idiot out
of yourself.
We've been going through
the Disney phase.
Parents in the room,
you done the Disney phase?
AUDIENCE MURMURS
We've been going film by film.
We started off with
Beauty And The Beast,
started watching Beauty And The
Beast, ten, 15, 20 times a day,
we were watching
Beauty And The Beast.
And at the end of the day,
she'd turn around and go,
"Dad, Dad, can we play
Beauty And The Beast?"
Obviously, that can only go one way.
Feels like the start of therapy
in 30 years otherwise, doesn't it?
"Why have you got such a
low opinion of yourself, Grace?"
"Well, I was like three, and me
"and me my dad would play
Beauty And The Beast,
"and he'd put on a yellow dress
and just prance around the room."
LAUGHTER
Obviously - obviously -
she's Beauty and I'm The Beast.
And we'll be playing and
she'll be going,
"Come here, Beast!
Come here, disgusting Beast!"
LAUGHTER
"Come here, dirty Beast!
Vile Beast!
"Come here, grubby,
disgusting Beast!"
I'm like, "I don't actually remember
Belle being such a prick
"in the movie,
if I'm honest with you."
Before long, though, Beauty
And The Beast becomes tiresome,
it becomes boring.
She starts watching, like, Frozen.
And she's like, "Daddy, daddy,
can we play Frozen?"
I was like, of course we can.
She's like, "I'm going to be Elsa."
I'm like, "Good for you. Nice.
"Who am I? Olaf?
"Sven?"
And she looked at me
cold in the eye and she went,
"No, Dad
"..you're the Beast."
LAUGHTER
I said
"..there's not a Beast in Frozen."
And she went, "you're always
"..the Beast."
Subsequently, I've been
the Beast in Toy Story,
I was the Beast in Moana.
I was the Beast in Up!
I've been typecast in my own house.
LAUGHTER
"Beast!"
Bizarrely, that was a moment
in my life that I thought,
"You know what?
I've got to lose a bit of weight."
I joined a gym. I always think,
if you want to find a dickhead,
go to the gym.
Favourite bit of kit in the gym,
that I love more than anything in
the world,
is the good girl, bad girl machine.
Do you know that one?
This one, you sit here and go,
"Good girl, bad girl, good girl,
bad girl, good girl"
LAUGHTER
I like a bit of gym kit
you sit at for ages,
tube of Pringles,
couple of cans of Foster's.
"Good girl, bad girl,
good girl, bad girl."
I'm in there the other day and
this fellow bowls in.
He's in full tennis whites,
dressed up
By the way, has anyone ever been to
Wimbledon? Just quickly. Anyone?
CHEERING
Not the town. I mean, like, the
tennis. You've been to Wimbledon?
Yes. You enjoy it?
- I loved it.
- I enjoyed Wimbledon.
I've got to say,
I've been some places,
I've never, ever, ever felt as out
of place, anywhere in my life,
as Wimbledon.
I felt like an XL bully
walking through Crufts.
LAUGHTER
Bizarre place. Anyhow
I'm here, this guy bowls in, he's in
full tennis whites, perma-tan,
and he walks up to this big mirror,
bowls up slow like,
looks himself up and down,
gives a little sniff and goes
LAUGHTER
TOM MOUTHS
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER,
TOM MOUTHS
I think to myself,
"This prick is playing
shadow tennis"
LAUGHTER
"..and he's losing!"
LAUGHTER
It's a funny thing.
They say, to be healthy,
to keep yourself healthy,
you need two things -
you need to work out,
you need to stay fit -
which I've got on lock,
as you can see -
and you need a good diet,
you've got to be on top of the diet.
That is where I fall down, the diet.
I am a greedy piece of shit,
by nature.
For example, first thing I'll
do when I get home tonight won't be
go and see my gorgeous wife,
my Kathryn, my girl, my world,
make sure she's OK,
or check in on my daughter.
No, I go to my first love -
the fridge
Bowl into the kitchen,
stick on a bit of Ed Sheeran
..dim the lights
..slowly walk up to her
..pull her open
..rest my chin on a shelf,
look down and look up and go
.."Now, who's coming to
bed with me tonight?"
LAUGHTER
Have you ever seen ham wince?
LAUGHTER
Couple of Dairylea Dunkers
just making a run for the door.
I'm disgusting when I get going.
For example, the other week,
I'm sitting there, I'm sitting
watching Traitors.
Anyone here seen Traitors?
I'm on the sofa.
Do you watch Traitors?
CHEERING
I like Traitors.
All I wish it had was Danny Dyer
I wish Danny Dyer was in every
programme. I love Danny.
I think, Danny But, you know,
like, the moment that
Every morning, when they sit around
together at breakfast
and they're all really worried
about who's been murdered
and who's a Traitor
And they're all so polite,
they're going,
"Who do you think did it?
"Who do you think's a Traitor?
"Who do you think's been murdered?
"Who do you think the Traitor is?
"Oh, I don't want to look at
anyone. I'm so scared."
I want Danny to come in,
seven Stellas deep.
Just come bowling in, going,
"Oi, are you the Traitor?
"Are YOU the Traitor?
Are YOU the Traitor? Are you?
"I'm the Traitor!
"Right, completed it.
"Stick me in Gladiators."
LAUGHTER
I'm sitting there watching
Traitors, right?
I iron out a whole sleeve of
Jaffa Cakes to myself.
Whole sleeve, just gone.
And it's disgusting. I'm just
I get halfway through the sleeve
of Jaffa Cakes, think,
"That's enough Jaffa Cakes,"
but I start just wedging
them into my mouth, two by two,
just stuffing them in.
I kick the wrapper across the floor
like I'm in an MMA fight.
Go to my bedroom,
pull off my T-shirt.
My gut falls over my Calvins.
I just stand there looking in a
full-length mirror like,
"You're disgusting.
"That was a disgusting show of greed
down there with those Jaffa Cakes.
"You just demolished a whole
sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to yourself.
"Families of four,
"of an evening, will share a sleeve
of Jaffa Cakes.
"You just ate them on your own.
"You've got to do better. You're a
dad now, show some restraint."
Then I get into bed, I lay there for
about two or three minutes
and think, "That was a two-pack
of Jaffa Cakes."
LAUGHTER
"There's another sleeve downstairs."
LAUGHTER
My biggest showing of
greed of late,
my biggest show of greed,
was last year. I took my wife out
for Valentine's Day.
I'm like, "We're going out, babe.
We're going to go somewhere lovely,
"have a right romantic one
together."
I mean, I should have probably
dressed it up a bit differently,
I took her to a burger joint
in north London.
LAUGHTER
She got very dressed up -
black dress, handbag, high heels -
I was like, "You're going
to embarrass yourself in there.
"They give you a plastic bib
to eat with."
LAUGHTER
On the front, outside the front of
this place,
is a picture of what they say is
London's biggest burger.
I turned to my wife, all sexy like,
and I'm like,
"I'm going to eat that tonight."
And she's like, "No, you're not."
And I'm like,
"Why, don't you think I can?"
She went, "No, I know you can,
"but it's Valentine's Day
"and that would be disgusting."
I took that as a flirty challenge.
LAUGHTER
Bowled straight in the gaff,
walked up to the waiter,
went, "Oi, John, get me one
of the big burgers, pal.
"Give me a big burger."
Burger comes out and, let me tell
you, Apollo, it was beautiful.
Brioche bun, four beef patties,
a little bit of bacon,
some iceberg lettuce, blue cheese.
There was a tomato in there,
I kicked that mug straight out.
WHOOSHING SOUND,
LAUGHTER
"Stay away from our burgers,
you little prick."
"Stick to pasta sauces and salads."
That's as political as I get.
LAUGHTER
I picked this burger up.
I look at my wife, into her
beautiful eyes,
and I give her a sexy wink.
I open my mouth as wide as I can,
I go
And stuff the burger in.
And as I close my mouth down,
it just stops
and there's a stick running through
the middle of the burger.
AUDIENCE GROANS
HE WAILS
MUFFLED GROANS
My wife, at first, is like,
"I told you not to.
It was too big, I told"
And I'm like
MUFFLED GROANS
MUFFLED: "A stick!"
Then she starts worrying.
She's like,
"There's something
wrong with my husband.
"There's something wrong
with my husband,
"I think he's having a heart
attack."
The whole rest of
the restaurant is like
TOM MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND
Comes running over going,
"Is he OK? Is he all right?"
Everyone's panicking now.
"Is he? Are you OK?"
I'm like
MUFFLED SPEECH AND GROANS
Pandemonium. Everyone's worried.
Everyone.
Finally, one guy steps forward.
Looks a bit like Bradley Cooper.
I say he looks like Bradley Cooper,
he looks like Bradley Cooper if
you're driving really quickly down
the road and you go,
"Did you see him?
He look like Bradley Cooper."
You drive around the block,
slow down,
you go, "No, he didn't.
What a waste of both of our time."
LAUGHTER
He comes over and he leans forward,
and he goes
He's French, by the way.
FAUX FRENCH ACCENT: "I've seen
this before somewhere.
"He's gone too big on his
first bite,
"and he has a stick
"caught in his mouth."
Worry and anxiety turns
to ridicule and laughter.
Everyone just
starts pissing themselves,
everyone's just laughing,
my wife's laughing so much.
She's got her forehead buried into
this guy's chest
and she's like
HE INHALES
"Oh, is that Tom Ford?"
One guy finds it so funny, he runs
to the door of the restaurant,
boots it open and goes,
"You've got to see this!
"Some fat wanker's got himself
harpooned on a burger stick."
LAUGHTER
People start coming in from
out of the restaurant.
People are leaving
other restaurants,
people are cancelling Ubers,
all just to get a look
at me sat there, like that.
LAUGHTER
All the time, I'm just worried.
I'm worried this is me
for the rest of my life now.
Gracey's wedding day, like that,
coming down the aisle.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Finally, my wife and
Bradley Cooper stop kissing.
LAUGHTER
And he leans forward and he says
FAUX FRENCH ACCENT: "I've seen
this somewhere before."
"The only thing you can do is pull
a burger from the stick
"and out of his mouth.
"Then we break the stick."
I would arguably say, Apollo,
THE most disgusting,
unromantic thing you're ever
likely to see on Valentine's Day
is this wally pull a burger,
that's been in his mouth for about
ten minutes, out of his mouth,
watch him break a stick,
and then watch him pick the
said burger up
and go for a second bite.
LAUGHTER
I'd say that's a Valentine's
low right there.
APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, are you
ready for your first act?
CHEERING
So, go mad! Go crazy!
Make some noise for my guy,
Mr Kae Kurd!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Return Of The Mack
by Mark Morrison
Hey!
Apollo, how are we doing?
Are you well?
CHEERING
Lovely. It's nice
seeing you guys, man.
Give me a cheer if you're over 30.
LOUD CHEERING
Love that. My people.
Back pain setting in already,
love it.
Give me a cheer
if you're in your 20s.
LOUDER CHEERING
I can't stand you guys. Ugh.
LAUGHTER
No, honestly, like, I've got to that
age where I can't stand
anything about young people.
I hate you lot.
I do. You know, when they're like
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE, AFFECTED ACCENT:
"Let's leave the world
"in a better place for future
generations."
And you look at them.
LAUGHTER
You're just like,
"Let the world burn, bruv."
Like, they're going to put
it on TikTok anyway.
I can't stand you lot,
with that look that you all have,
just that blank stare.
LAUGHTER
It's like, somewhere along the way,
you lot forgot that you have
to communicate with your face.
You just ask them anything,
and they're like
I hate you lot, man.
You speak too much.
You do. They talk too much.
They just go on TikTok and tell you
about their illnesses
without anybody telling you why.
Like, they're just there.
Just, "Nyah, nyah." Always
Always talking about their
illnesses.
Like, I was on TikTok the
other day, this girl was like
AFFECTED ACCENT: "Follow me for a
day in the life
"of somebody with IBS."
LAUGHTER
What is going on, guys? Like
..when was it all right to
start telling people
you're walking around with
a leaky bumhole?
Right? Like
LAUGHTER
When did we OK this, right?
When did we decide, as a society,
this was OK, right?
Like, do you know what happened
when you used to suffer from IBS?
You'd sit closest to the toilet
and you'd shut up, right?
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't tell a
single soul I had IBS.
Are you mad? I'd hold that shit in!
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't tell anybody I'm ill.
Like, are you mad?
I would lie at every
given opportunity.
"Why were you in a toilet?"
"Cocaine!"
LAUGHTER
Like, I would rather you thought
I was a class-A drug addict
than somebody that could poo
myself when I sneeze, right?
LAUGHTER
Everybody has to have
a label these days, right?
You know, everyone's like,
AFFECTED ACCENT: "Oh, I've got
anxiety, I've got ADHD. I'm
"I'm neurodiverse."
"I'm this."
Do you know what it is?
Somewhere along the line,
someone made oppression look cool
and now everybody wants
a piece of it, right?
And I blame X Factor.
Remember, back in the day, it used
to have all those sob stories?
It did. But, you know,
the sob stories at the beginning,
when it first started,
it was like real sob stories, innit?
It was like a single mum had beat
cancer three times
and she was like,
"I want to sing Whitney Houston."
You were like, "Do whatever
you like, bruv. Like, just"
Nowadays, you watch a
TV programme about cleaning,
it's a dad there going,
HE SPEAKS IN NASAL TONE: "Yeah, it's
really hard to clean
"being a single dad, having a gluten
intolerance." It's like
LAUGHTER
Everyone has to have a label.
What happened to just
being a bit weird?
LAUGHTER
Do you remember that one?
Like, "Why has he got
his coat on indoors?"
"I don't know, he's a bit weird,
innit?"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
That was
It was lovely, right?
"Why is he, like,
faxing pictures of his cock?"
"I don't know! He likes it!"
You made jokes about him, and,
you know, he felt included.
Now, you just go. "How are the
trains, Rick? And they're like
AFFECTED ACCENT: "Oh, did you
know Rick's on the spectrum
"and you're in a HR meeting?"
It's like, "Argh."
LAUGHTER
It's a tough time, though.
It's a tough world
to live in right now, man.
It's a tough world for young
people to live in as well.
You've got
You've got the rise of the
far right, as they say,
there's flags going up everywhere.
Like, do you lot think
the flags are racist?
MIXED REACTION
I don't know. Right?
Nah, I don't know, It's not putting
up the flags that's racist,
it's what you do when you're putting
up the flags that are racist.
Cos I associate the flag
with Euro 96, innit?
Right? That's
LAUGHTER
No, I do. Whenever I see
the St George's flag,
I just hear "three lions on a
shirt", right? That's
That's what I hear, right? That's
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
No, it is, it is. Honestly.
It's not the flag that's the issue,
it's what you do when
you're putting up the flag.
If you're shouting,
"Get the hell home!"
Yeah, maybe it's the marketing
LAUGHTER
..that's your problem, right?
If they started playing Wonderwall
and gave out sandwiches,
we'd be like
AFFECTED ACCENT: "Oh, what a lovely
community event," right?
LAUGHTER
That's why everybody loves
a Jamaican flag
cos, when you see a Jamaican flag,
there's always music playing
in the background, right?
Just out of nowhere,
there's, like, some jerk chicken.
They take you on
a sensory experience.
Before you know it, you're watching
the Olympics going
POLITELY: "I want Jamaica
to do well. Yeah."
LAUGHTER
St George's flag, though, it's
a great one for a racist, though.
It's a great one. Easy. Two lines.
HE MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND
You could be stark drunk, right,
and you could still draw that.
Imagine being a Welsh nationalist.
Like
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Do you know what I mean?
CHEERING
How do you draw a dragon
off by heart?
That is a four-man job, at least.
You need four people
to carry the tins of paint,
you need an art degree.
And even if you do get
the dragon up,
there's going to be
people walking by going
AFFECTED ACCENT: "Oh, my God,
Chinese New Year."
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Do you know what, like, though?
That thing about the
flag really makes me laugh, right?
Cos they put up the flag everywhere.
They put it up I've been up and
down the motorway recently, right?
I've been up and down the motorway,
I've seen the flag everywhere,
and when you ask people these
questions, the ones that put it up,
"They're like, oh, yeah, we're
putting it up so immigrants know
"where they stand, right?"
Like they're trying to
put immigrants off coming here
by putting the flag. But I don't
know about you guys, right?
Listen, if I was risking my life
to come over here on a boat,
to travel 21 miles on a dinghy,
if I saw the England flag,
I'd just be happy I made it.
LAUGHTER
Do you know what I mean?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'd be there like
"Mahmoud, look, we made it!"
LAUGHTER
"It's England," right?
If you really want to stop the
boats, there's a great plan, right?
If you really want to
stop the boats,
just line Dover
with French flags, right?
LAUGHTER
I'm being serious!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Line the whole
place with French flags,
start giving out
Eiffel Tower key rings, right?
LAUGHTER
They'd be like
"Again?! What the hell?"
LAUGHTER
You'd confused the hell out of him.
It would stop the boats
in a week, right?
LAUGHTER
It's a terrifying time, man.
It's a terrifying time.
The whole world is in disarray.
You know, people moaning
about Donald Trump.
Any Donald Trump fans in here?
SOLITARY CHEER
LAUGHTER
Two guys over there forgot they
weren't on Facebook.
"Ah, yeah"
"No, no, I think like the
rest of these lot. Yeah, yeah."
I've not got a massive
opinion on Donald Trump, right?
I just do find it
funny when people go
AFFECTED ACCENT: "I can't
believe he said that."
I'm like, "I can."
"He's 78."
"Let's put a camera
in front of your grandad,
"let's see how progressive he is,"
right?
LAUGHTER
I'm going to be a bigot.
LAUGHTER
I know I'm going to be a bigot.
I've already started planning it,
right?
But I'm going to be a bigot
to the machines, right?
Yeah, I know I'm going to be a bigot
to, like, AI. I can't wait.
I'm already thinking
of slurs to call them.
"Code monkeys."
"Rusties." Right?
Well, no, because, like,
I hate the robots already, right?
That's why I don't have one
of those smart speakers.
It's like bringing an enemy into
your own home, right?
Those things record
everything you say, bro.
Right? You think they don't?
One day, you're going to be singing
along to your favourite rap song
and it's going to be, like,
record the part where you say
the N word by accident
and it's like
ROBOTIC VOICE: "Do you want me to
post this?" "No! No, no, no."
LAUGHTER
I'm going to be a
bigot to them, man.
I can imagine one day,
in the future,
I'm going to be playing
with my future kids.
Alexa's playing music
in the background, right?
I'll be like, "Shut up, Alexa."
My kids are going to be like
AFFECTED ACCENT: "Daddy"
Because I'm going to have
middle-class children, right?
LAUGHTER
AFFECTED ACCENT: "Daddy,
you mustn't say that."
I'm like, "Why not?"
"It's got feelings."
"No, it doesn't. It's a machine."
And then I'm there on TikTok
doing an apology video.
LAUGHTER
"I apologise to the AI community.
"I wasn't aware of your struggle."
LAUGHTER
"I'll do better in future."
It is a tough one, man.
It is a tough one with racism.
We had our own race riots last year
as well, right?
Football season ended, you know,
there was that month
LAUGHTER
What are you going to do, innit?
LAUGHTER
It was terrifying, right?
Cos, for the first time
in about 25 years,
I got racially abused, right?
And that's when I knew
racism had gone too far, you know?
It's like, "It's affecting
me now, stop it."
LAUGHTER
"If everybody could just shut up
now. Right? OK?
"You had your fun, right?"
No, I did, I got
racially abused in south London,
on Streatham High Road,
I got racially abused -
and this is when I knew
racism had got too far, right?
I got racially abused
by an Irishman.
LAUGHTER
Do you know how bad racism has to
get for the Irish to get involved?
It's like, "Bro, what happened?
"You lot used to be on
the signs as well."
LAUGHTER
"We can't use bins in Canary Wharf
cos of your lot."
LAUGHTER
No, like, I love the Irish, right?
APPLAUSE
I thought we were on the same team.
This guy was out
shouting racist abuse
at every black and brown person
that was going by.
He was, like, shouting the
N word and the P word. He's like
FAUX IRISH ACCENT: "Look at you,
you "Look at you, you"
And then he saw me and he was like,
"Look at you"
LAUGHTER
"What the flip are you?"
LAUGHTER
FAUX ACCENT: "I could be anything
you want me to be, sir, OK?"
LAUGHTER
I watched the racism turn
into homophobia really quickly,
it was great.
I was watching those marches
with a lot of interest.
I was watching them with
a lot of interest, right?
Because you've got to do a bit of
self-reflection sometimes.
I was like, "Why am I
not racist," right?
LAUGHTER
No, you've got to ask
that question sometimes, right?
And like, you know,
obvious reasons, but
I was like, "Why, why, why, why am
I not marching with these guys?"
And I was looking at them, right,
and all of them
They're, like, shouting,
"Oh, let's get our country back."
And I was like
..get your hairline
back first, innit?
LAUGHTER
No, honestly, like
CHEERING
Cos that's when I realised why,
like, I couldn't be
Because they're way too ugly
LAUGHTER
..for me to believe them, innit?
If you want to tell
me you're better than me,
you better be sexy, innit, right?
No, cos I don't believe a word
ugly people say in general, right?
Like, as a rule,
I don't believe ugly people, right?
Like, that's why I didn't believe
in climate change for years, right?
LAUGHTER
I'm serious, right?
Like, they used
to get these scientists on TV.
NASAL VOICE: "Like, at the rate
the world is heating up"
Shut up, speccy!
LAUGHTER
Get back in the lab.
As soon as they got Angelina Jolie
to speak about it, I was like,
"Clean out these yoghurt pots,
this is important."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
All I'm saying is, right,
like they need
someone sexy, right?
They need someone sexy to be racist
and then I'll believe them.
Because if you want
to say you're better than me,
you'd better be beautiful.
Oh, my God, you'd better
be gorgeous, right?
If David Beckham came
out tomorrow as racist,
I'm joining in, right?
LAUGHTER
Honestly, if he's there on Instagram
one day, like
AS DAVID BECKHAM: "Well, me
and Victoria have been thinking
LAUGHTER
"..it's time to get our
country back."
I'll be there like, "Mum, pack your
bags, it's time to go. Let's go."
LAUGHTER
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name's Kae Kurd,
enjoy the rest of your night.
Have a good one, see you later.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, Kae Kurd!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going
to bring another act on.
Are you ready?
CHEERING
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together,
go wild, go crazy,
for the amazing
Ms Louise Young!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Set You Free
by N-Trance
Hi!
Hello, everyone!
Hello.
Oh, my God, this is crazy.
Thank you so much for having us,
this is amazing.
I've done a few gigs down south
this week.
Whenever I'm down south,
I do have this
I have this awareness that I have
to slow this accent down.
LAUGHTER
The Geordie accent,
it's peculiar on people's ear.
And I realised this
cos I met my friend's
brother a while ago, right?
My friend's German
and so is his brother.
They're quite weird like that,
the Germans. Strange.
And when I met him, though,
I thought
Cos I'm quite, like,
a friendly, open person.
So, I thought I was being, like,
you know, nice and friendly and open
when I met him.
Then when I left the situation,
my friend's brother
had said, behind me back,
"Your English friend,
"she's very nice,
"but why does she speak
like a pirate?"
LAUGHTER
So I know I've got to slow it down.
And like, an accent
like this kind of like
betrays a working-classness,
and I'm very aware of that.
I've always been kind of acutely
aware of my working-classness,
from a young age, right?
And listen, this is a nice audience,
I'll be vulnerable with yous.
I've always been very aware
of my working-classness
LOUISE CLEARS THROA
..because
LOUISE SIGHS
..when I was 12
LOUISE EXHALES
..I quit smoking.
LAUGHTER
But genuinely as well,
like, for all the right reasons.
Like
LOUISE EXHALES
..for the baby.
LAUGHTER
No.
Don't Don't applaud it.
I shouldn't I shouldn't
perpetuate stereotypes like that.
I haven't got
I haven't got any kids, right?
And I remember
Cos, seriously,
this job has saved my life, right?
I used to be really, really
off the rails.
Like, really, really off the rails
up until
..about a week ago.
LAUGHTER
No, but seriously, a few years ago,
I was going crazy
and, like, a big turning point
in my life, right?
One of my friends, she tried to stop
us from going down a dark path
and she went, "Louise"
It was quite brutal, this,
but I know why she was doing it.
She went, "Louise, it's a good job
you haven't had any kids,
"because if you did,
"they'd be taken off you."
LAUGHTER
And I was like,
"I know, I'm so sorry.
"I'm going to sort my life out."
"I'm so, so, so sorry.
I will turn this around.
"I will." That's what I said.
But I can remember, very vividly,
at that moment, in my head,
thinking,
"Oh, my God, there's a good
chance that's actually happened
"and I just can't remember."
LAUGHTER
It was an intense time,
but I've calmed myself down,
like, quite a bit now.
I'm a lot calmer these days, right?
I live with my girlfriend,
my fiancee, now.
CHEERING
Thank you very much. Yes.
What a bunch of gaylords.
LAUGHTER
Thanks. But the thing
is, like, it's
It's mad being gay.
It really is, right?
I performed at a
lesbian festival recently, right?
And what a rowdy bunch we are.
Like, really uncouth.
Do you know what I mean? Like
But it was a good festival.
It was really good.
It was a big success as well.
St John's Ambulance ran out
of finger splints.
LAUGHTER
It was It was wonderful.
What an experience.
No, I don't live in Newcastle
any more,
and I went back to see my family
this summer at a family barbecue,
and my auntie, my great auntie,
came up to us -
and she meant nothing by this,
she's absolutely lush -
but she came up to us and she went,
"Oh, hello, pet.
"Are you back, are you?
"Oh, I've missed you.
"And I've been thinking
about you loads at the minute
"with the women's
football being on."
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
I have to have more confidence
in myself sometimes.
Like, sometimes where it counts,
I don't have confidence, right?
And I realised this -
if I'm on a date and I get
into a taxi with my girlfriend,
and if I get the slightest feeling
the taxi driver
is a little bit homophobic, right?
And I shouldn't do this, but I do,
I'll say it to my girlfriend,
"Listen, don't hold my hand.
"Don't put your arm around us.
"Don't be affectionate.
"Just don't."
Yes, I know how that's
Like, I know how that sounds,
I know it sounds quite harsh of me,
It sounds quite weird. It sounds
It sounds pathetic,
it sounds weak of me.
But, like, I need you to understand,
like, from my perspective
LOUISE SIGHS
I feel like I almost have to kind
of, like, protect
..my Uber rating.
LAUGHTER
It's just hard being gay sometimes.
I've Listen, I've covered the
kind of Geordie thing, right?
But I'm actually I'm technically
half Turkish, half Geordie, right?
That's a bit of a weird combination.
The thing is, though, I haven't been
to Turkey loads in my life, right?
So I'm technically just, like,
culturally very Geordie,
but I've got a couple of
Turkish behaviours
that have like hung on
in the DNA, right?
I love to haggle.
I love to barter for a price,
like I'm in a bazaar at all times.
I love it, but I'm shit at it,
right?
Cos I'm too British,
I'm too polite.
I don't get stuck in the way you're
supposed to get stuck in.
And I realised this, right,
on holiday with my cousin.
I bought something from a stall
and I was so excited to show her
what I'd bought,
and she was stood there -
I'll never forget this -
she was like, shaking her head,
like, really angry at me.
And she went, "You know what's
happened there, don't you?"
And I was like, "What?"
These were her words.
She went, "Underneath, they've
seen your English money
"and they've taken you for a ride."
LAUGHTER
I remember feeling so,
I felt mortified.
I felt so culturally stupid,
so foolish,
because we're in this
little place called
It's not Abu Dhabi, and I
always go to call it "Abu Dhabi".
It's Abu
Don't say I've forgotten the name,
tonight of all nights.
Guys, I'm not kidding.
LAUGHTER
Oh, God. No, don't help us.
Sorry.
LOUISE CLEARS THROA
Aberdeen.
LAUGHTER
Got yous.
I bloody got yous.
You thought the Geordie had fucked
up there, didn't you?
That was great.
LAUGHTER
Whatever you are in life, right,
you're going to have stereotypes
thrown at you, aren't you?
And I've realised, right,
and I don't care,
but the stereotype that I often
get if I say I'm Turkish, right?
And I don't care, I don't care
what people say, right?
But this is often what
I've got to field.
So, I'll say I'm Turkish
and someone will go,
"Ah, you've got
to watch Turkish men.
"Oh, you've got
to watch Turkish men.
"My cousin, she went to Turkey.
"She's got blonde hair, blue eyes.
"They wouldn't leave her alone."
LAUGHTER
Right? And whatever, it doesn't
usually bother us, right?
It doesn't, but it did upset us
a few months ago cos it was like
It was round, like, a dinner table,
and I felt very trapped.
And everyone was kind of
laughing and it felt horrible.
And my girlfriend was sat next to us
and my girlfriend's got blonde hair,
blue eyes,
and I was quite startled
and I had to say something
and I was like, "Oh, my God.
"I'm just like the rest of them.
This"
LAUGHTER
This is terrible.
I do feel as though I'm trying
to sort myself out and everything.
I'm getting to that age where a lot
of people around us
are having kids and stuff like that.
You might know people
like this, right?
My best friend's become
a mother, and
And I'm so proud of her,
she's so good at it,
she's just taken to
motherhood, like, so well,
and she was a
worse party girl than me,
so I'm even more
proud of her, right?
And she was saying, and not
everyone's going to feel like this,
but she was like,
"Louise, there's no feeling
like being a parent.
"This is amazing.
"Waking up and seeing my baby,
I love it.
"It's better than any drink,
"any drug,
"any line,
"any pill."
And I thought, "Oh, my God."
Even if you don't agree with that,
just think about
that on a chemical level.
If that's how amazing parenting
can just naturally feel
to some people
LOUISE EXHALES
..imagine how good parenting
must feel on drugs.
LAUGHTER
So I'm looking forward to that.
It'll be great.
Give me a cheer if you've been to
Newcastle upon Tyne before.
CHEERING
Most of you.
Give me a cheer if you've not been.
SIMILAR CHEERING
That was the same people
cheering twice there
for something to do, wasn't it?
Cos I try and I don't
I think Newcastle is quite a
risky place to live, right,
if you are susceptible to madness,
cos it's such a party city, right?
And
So there's a TV moment that happened
in Newcastle upon Tyne,
where I'm from, and it sums up the
place so beautifully.
So, just let me paint this
picture for you,
because it's one of my favourite TV
moments of all time, right?
And so the clip is on a
documentary called Booze Britain.
LAUGHTER
You know where I'm going with this,
you're not stupid.
So, it's obviously
a documentary about how
people in the UK drink too much -
it was on about 15 years ago -
and they're going around Newcastle
for one of the episodes, right?
And they get talking
on the street
It's like a
fly-on-the-wall type thing,
and they get talking on the street
to this woman called Debbie, OK?
And they're like, "Debbie,"
are you having a good night out?
As yous can imagine, Debbie,
"I'm having a fucking
wicked night out. Thank you."
She's off her tits,
bless her heart, right?
And so what they do on the
documentary is
they make Debbie do
a breathalyser, right?
I know, it was very unethical,
it was ten years ago, 15 years ago,
before anyone cared
about anyone's feelings, right?
So they make Debbie do
a breathalyser,
they take a reading
and then the show the camera, right?
And on the next scene of this
documentary, you see Debbie,
oh, she's dancing around
on the table,
she's trying to rip her top off,
she's going insane.
She's having a genuinely
wonderful night out,
she's letting go, right?
But at that precise moment,
the voiceover on the
documentary just goes
CLEARING THROA
AFFECTED ACCENT: "Debbie may be
feeling in the party spirit
"but, medically, she has enough
alcohol in her bloodstream
"to be in a potentially fatal coma."
LAUGHTER
Welcome to my home.
Cos screw the coma,
Debbie did the Macarena.
LAUGHTER
It was wonderful.
You know a lot of it Right,
I was thinking about this -
a lot of comedians will ham
up how crazy they are,
like, for comedic effect.
I don't want yous to think that
I would ever do that, right?
And I've got kind of proof of
how insane I used to be, right?
So I was doing a comedy club
in the North East,
and Gazza, Paul Gascoigne,
was in the audience.
Do we all know who Gazza is?
CHEERING
If anyone doesn't know,
very, very quickly,
right, he was a Geordie footballer
in the '90s,
issues with drink and drugs,
really mad life,
once tried to save an assassin
with a fishing rod.
LAUGHTER
That is true, right?
So, he's in the audience, right?
And I was quite a new comedian,
so I'm doing, like
I was doing a lot of jokes about
going off the rails
and how mental I was.
This is how I know my life must
have been objectively ridiculous.
When I got offstage,
Gazza, Paul Gascoigne,
ran up to us - this is true -
he gave us a massive big hug
and he went, "Oh, Louise,
"it's like we've
had the same life."
LAUGHTER
That's when you know your life's
been frigging shambolic.
When Gazza is relating to you on
a seriously deep level.
"It's like we've had the same life,
me and you."
But he's not wrong.
I'm not taking the piss, like I say,
said, you know,
when I played for England.
LAUGHTER
That was great.
No, but when he became a Turkish
lesbian, that was outrageous
LAUGHTER
..when he did that, wasn't it?
I'm going to leave you with this,
this last joke,
it's a philosophical joke,
it's more for you to
kind of ponder
on the way home this evening, right?
Just let this marinate
in your heads.
So, this blew my mind, this.
So, statistically,
some taxi drivers
will be serial killers.
So have a lovely evening and
LAUGHTER
Right, I've been Louise Young,
you've been wonderful. Thanks for
having us. Goodnight. Cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
TOM: Yes, yes, yes,
Ladies and gentlemen.
Louise Young!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Apollo, thank you so, so much
for coming out tonight.
It's been an incredible line-up.
Make some noise
for Louise Young
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..for Kae Kurd
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and I've been your host,
Tom Davis.
Apollo, out!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Monster Funk
by Barrie Gledden & Scott Lefanu