Live at The Apollo (2004) s20e07 Episode Script

1
MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl
by Jet
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight,
Kiri Pritchard-McLean!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Whirring by The Joy Formidable
Ha-ha-ha!
Yes!
Hello, hello, hello
and welcome to Live At The Apollo!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
What an audience!
Do you know, what I love
about this is, I'm really proud.
I started doing comedy
in the North West of England,
and I came up through
working men's clubs.
CHEERING
Yes! Look at that.
They're going to be fighting
in the car park,
and I WILL be there watching.
But I'm so proud of that,
because I came up doing comedy
doing working men's clubs
and weekend comedy clubs.
And if you've never been to
a weekend comedy club,
I'll paint the picture for you.
It's everyone you worked hard
at school to get away from,
now on cocaine.
That's the vibe.
This is a very nice gig for me.
I'm not used to turning up to gigs
as nice as this.
I mean, turning up and standing
outside the Hammersmith Apollo.
Unbelievable, right?
Because often I'll turn up to a gig
and they'll be a dog outside vaping.
That's the level of gig I'm used to.
Butthere's some money
in the room here.
I can smell it.
There's people in this room who have
a garden at the front AND the back.
And a fridge in neither.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, I'm from North Wales.
I moved back there.
I moved back there
when I wanted to start a family.
Because that is what Welsh girls do
when they want to start a family.
We move back to Wales.
We're like salmon in that respect.
Swim upstream to lay our eggs.
What you do is,
you move back to Wales, you marry the
least threatening man you know,
you bang out a couple of kids
and you grow into your leggings.
That's the Welsh way, that is.
Yeah.
SHE CHUCKLES
But I've, like
I've never really been sure
if that's the right thing for me.
Can I tell you
the thing that happened
that made me start to feel
like I wanted a family?
And I'm not
It's a bit medical.
I'm not going to be too graphic,
but basically one day I woke up
and I was having
chronic abdominal pains -
let's say that.
They were getting worse
and worse throughout the day,
and it got to the point
where I didn't feel like
I could stand up any more.
And I phoned NHS Direct.
I spoke to a nurse on the phone.
She was absolutely amazing.
She talked me through
all my symptoms,
and it turns out
that I was, um, hungry.
No idea what that feeling was.
I tell you what massive thing that
sort of put me off becoming a mum,
is seeing mums.
That'll do it.
And I know there's a lot of you in
just trying to have a nice night
and forget about it.
So I will say the thing
that you're not allowed to say,
which is,
that looks absolutely dogshit.
Oh, being a mum looks the worst.
To clarify, I would be a dad
in a heartbeat.
Of course I would.
But being a mum,
it looks so unrewarding.
The only job I can think of
which has a similar sort of lack of
job satisfaction is,
you know
there's that guy whose job it is
to paint the Golden Gate Bridge,
and when he gets to the end,
he just has to go
back to the start again?
It's like that, but the bridge calls
you an old bitch when it's 15.
There's loads of reasons
why I've been really scared
about starting a family -
a biological family.
Like, I know I'm too
I'm scared of giving birth.
I'll be honest,
I'm scared of giving birth.
But also,
I'm scared of being pregnant.
I know that's not right for me.
Do you know how I know?
I know how I feel after a big tea.
I've not got nine months of that
in me, if I'm completely honest.
And also, all my friends
who are most like me,
who are white, privileged,
able-bodied, cis,
university-educated feminists
who've had children
have turned into weapons-grade
cockends since it's happened.
Oh, there's a group of them
in particular.
I call them speaking-as-a-mothers.
It's going to get uncomfortable
in here
because I can sense there's some in.
I can smell
the Lucy & Yak in the air.
You know these people.
"Speaking as a mother,
"I just worry that World Book Day
has lost its meaning."
Well, speaking as your mate,
I'm going to
kick you in the head in a second.
This is my group of friends
I argue the most with, right?
I had a fight with one the other day.
SHE CHUCKLES
So, she said to me,
"I just think you,
as a childless woman,
"cannot possibly care as much about
the climate and the planet as I do
"..ever since having Cordelia."
I just want
People will be tense in here.
I change names
when I'm on stage
..but not that one.
Yeah.
And I know she'll watch this.
And that's OK,
because I want her to know,
I think your kid's a bellend.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Tough, isn't it? Tough.
They can be a key-stage-one bellend,
as it goes.
"Ever since Cordelia came along,
"I understand it is my job to protect
the planet for the next generation."
And I appreciate what she's saying,
but she's saying it to me.
I am a farmer's daughter who,
for the last nine years,
for environmental reasons,
I've been vegan.
I just think,
come back to me when you've
given up bacon, you twat.
That's where I am with it.
Oh, no, I had a fight with
another one the other day.
I say another one.
It's all the same woman.
And I want to say,
I don't think for a second
that having children
doesn't absolutely change everything,
right?
Your perspectives, your priorities.
But she acts like
when the head came out,
enlightenment followed it.
And I've known her a very long time,
and she's basically exactly the same
person she was when we were 19
and getting hammered
in car parks on Lambrini, right?
It's the same person.
She's just got a kid now.
I mean, I would argue, her life with
the baby at the moment,
very similar to those years. It is.
She's staying up till 3:00
in the morning trying to get
a disinterested guy
to suck on her tits.
That is the same life.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm glad you liked that,
because I worried I'd lost you
by admitting I was a vegan.
It does happen.
It does happen. Because I get it.
You know, I get the sort of
perceptions of
people who are vegans.
And let me tell you,
I did it for environmental reasons,
but also health reasons.
I'll be honest.
And I'll tell you what,
when I went vegan,
it was maybe, like,
two, maybe three weeks
and I instantly felt better than
all of you.
It's very quick to happen.
Do you know what? There's a
There's a thing I know I would do.
If I had biological children,
I know I would do this
because all my friends
who are privileged like me,
they all fall into this trap.
You may have noticed this happening
amongst people you know,
that there's this weird, secret
competition amongst privileged women
to give birth with
as little pain relief as possible,
and then sort of brag
about it on social media afterwards.
It makes me feel uncomfortable.
I think it's internalised misogyny.
And here's how I know
it's going to happen.
The man in the couple,
because it's only ever
cishet couples that do this,
the man in the couple will put up
a status saying, "We're pregnant."
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
Like, YOU
..are fuck all.
Let's be honest, in six years' time,
you're every other Boxing Day.
SHE LAUGHS
I'm coming for the dads!
APPLAUSE
Oh, it's very uncomfortable.
I'm going to see someone dressed
as Batman
up on that balcony in a minute.
So, they put up this status, right,
to say,
you know, they're expecting a baby.
And then, about six months later,
they'll do another social media post
to let you know that baby's arrived.
And it's always the same thing.
They put up a picture of the baby,
but they only ever use
one of two pictures.
I've noticed this.
They either go
for a full action shot of the birth.
You know where the baby's being,
like,
hauled out and it's covered
in poached egg?
That's a lot.
I wasn't expecting that.
Or they go the other way,
and they put a picture up of the
baby all sort of cleaned up, asleep.
Very cute, with a little hat on.
Very sweet.
We all know why it's got a hat on.
Weird head.
We all know.
We know it's filling to the bobble.
You're not fooling anyone there.
And underneath this picture will be
a nine-paragraph magnum opus
of horseshit
from this utter cockend, right?
And it'll start something like this.
"Wow."
Yes, he has got a top knot.
You're right.
"Wow. I thought I respected
Tabitha before
"..but, uh, what a warrior."
They love that phrase, don't they?
"What a warrior."
And I love that phrase
because it kind of paints
the picture that Tabitha,
whilst giving birth,
has been doing it the whole time
with her knee up on a rock,
just looking to the east
with a broadsword in her hand.
Of course
that hasn't been what's happening!
She's been very busy giving birth.
What has been happening is,
he has been stood there
openly weeping
as a Coldplay album plays on repeat.
And he hasn't got a broadsword,
but they have given him a little net
to get the poos
out of the paddling pool.
That's his job.
"What a warrior.
"Baby Ophelia came into this world
at 10:06 in the morning.
"She weighed 6lb 11oz."
I don't know why we are still using
that unit of measurement
for children.
That is no good to me because I do
not want to defrost your baby.
Do you know what?
Also, this is so bad,
but I'm so arrogant,
I've never seen the weight of a baby
and haven't immediately thought,
"I could poo that."
I could poo it!
You call her Ophelia.
I call her the day after a carvery.
That's what's going on there.
"She weighed 6lb 11oz,
it was an 86-hour labour
"..and she did it all with
half a paracetamol."
You what, mate?
I need two to put my shoes on
in the morning!
Oh, I cannot stand it!
Do you know why?
I hate that it's rewarded.
I'll say, your birth journey,
your birth journey.
You do whatever you want,
but don't let anyone
pressurise you into doing it
a way that isn't right for you.
Not at all, right?
Because there's nowhere else
we do this.
If you went into work on Monday
and a man you work with
wandered up to you and said,
"I had my gallbladder out
on the weekend,"
and you said, "God, that's awful.
It must have been so painful."
And he said,
"Don't worry, I just bit down on
a leather strap, as nature intended."
He'd be sectioned, and rightly so.
And I want to remind you all that,
you know
..Tabitha is giving birth
in the United Kingdom,
where we are very lucky to have
the NHS,
where we have free healthcare.
And if I were
to have biological children,
I would want to be,
for free, off my fucking tits
while it was happening.
LAUGHTER
Yes, thank you. Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
APPLAUSE
You do you. I respect your journey.
But mentally, I want to be
off this planet, honestly.
I've never really done drugs,
so I'll just have a go.
In my eye, up my arse -
whatever's quickest.
I want so many needles hanging out
of me, I look like KerPlunk.
That's the dream.
So we're stuck in this bit,
my partner and I.
You know, we love kids,
and we kind of
You know, we've always imagined kids
in our future,
but we don't really want
to be biological parents.
And what happened is,
we ended up making an inquiry
to our local authority
about being foster carers.
Now, how you do that is,
you phone the council -
same number as the bins.
That's not right, is it?
You phone that number and you go,
"Can I have a child, please?"
And they put you through to
the right person,
and they send you on some courses.
So, like,
we went on a first aid course.
Give me a cheer. Any first-aiders?
CHEERING
OK, quite enthusiastic.
That is not how I feel
about first aid.
How I feel about first aid
is how I feel about tit wanks
..in that I CAN do it.
I'm qualified.
But I'm not thrilled if anyone asks.
And if it's in the local pool,
that is off the table completely.
We're not doing it!
SHE CHUCKLES
I'm sorry, because I know some
people have brought their mum here,
and they've had to sit
next to their mum
while I tell a joke about a tit wank,
and it's very uncomfortable.
But you know she's done one.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Don't clap.
That's what it sounded like.
Do you know what?
It was really fascinating,
this first aid course.
We had to do a bit
Because it's paediatric first aid,
we had to do a bit online first.
That was the hardest bit.
You're watching all
these videos of child actors
openly laughing as they get put into
the recovery position.
And I couldn't take it in,
and I realised why it was.
I used to be a drama teacher,
and I've never cared
if a child actor has lived or died.
That was
That was the issue.
So then we do the practical bit.
Very useful.
We learn about how
to use defibrillators.
You know those doo-doof things?
They're amazing.
We have them in phone boxes
where I live in rural Wales,
instead of hospitals.
That works very well.
Fascinating fact
about defibrillators -
if you have a heart attack in public
and you're near a defibrillator,
you're much more likely to survive
if you are a man.
This is absolutely true.
I'm telling you this as a public
service announcement.
And it's because
for defibrillators to work,
the pads,
they've got to go on bare skin.
And people will be doing
the first aid on a woman,
she'll have collapsed,
and to access that bare skin,
they would need
to take off her dress or her top.
And the people
doing it basically just panic and go,
"Leave her die with dignity,
I think."
And I am telling you now,
as a woman very clearly with a
public heart attack in the post
..if I am around you
and I drop down
and you are near
a defibrillator machine,
please, guys, whip 'em out.
Please.
Honestly,
my two favourite things are,
I live and everybody sees my tits.
I'll be thrilled.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, we did all these courses
and then we had to be assessed
by a social worker.
We got asked so many questions -
questions I haven't been asked
in years.
You know what I was asked?
"What is your
educational attainment?"
I was like, "Oh, God.
"Um, OK, I have a 2:1
in contemporary theatre practice."
Yes, from the University of Salford.
And when I checked the form
afterwards, he'd written "N/A".
Fair. Yeah, fair.
So, we did this assessment
and then we went to the panel
and this group of experts said,
"Yeah, OK,
you can be foster carers."
And I'm very proud to say,
for the last four years,
my partner and I have
been local authority foster carers,
and we've been providing
respite care -
so, that's short breaks and stays.
I always have to
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Thank you so much!
Oh, that's lovely!
Thank you.
I always have to say
that it's respite care,
because otherwise people are like,
"Where's the kid now?"
On the merch stand, crying if
you don't buy anything, so that's
Walk past, explain why they can't
have dinner tonight.
Go on.
Now, the reason why
I always want to talk
about being a foster
carer on stage is
because we have 100,000 young people
in the UK in foster care,
which is the highest
it has ever been.
It's been going up every year
for a decade.
And foster carer families are falling
and I want everyone to consider it,
because it is a very,
very broad church.
And I'm going to use
a recruitment phrase
that they use back at home
in North Wales.
And I think I've spotted the error
in their messaging.
They say, "Do not rule yourself out.
"WE will rule you out."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Perfect. Yeah, pop me on that list.
Yes, please.
But I also I'm not going to
patronise you at all.
I'm not going to say, if you become
a local authority foster carer,
that it won't be challenging.
Of course, I will promise you,
you will meet the most
amazing young people,
and it will be the most profound
and life-changing way to get
40% off your council tax.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yeah.
SHE GIGGLES
I mean that. I really mean that.
Guys, you've been so lovely.
Are you ready for a fantastic act?
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Yes.
Yes, you are!
Fantastic stand-up comedian
coming to the stage.
Go wild, go crazy for Eshaan Akbar!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom
by Vengaboys
Yes! Apollo, make some noise!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Lovely to be back at the Apollo.
Since I last did it,
been doing a lot of stuff.
Been travelling quite a bit.
Get to travel the world
doing this amazing job,
tell my jokes in other countries.
I don't want to brag -
recently, guys, I went to Belfast.
CHEERING
I went to Belfast.
I got into a taxi in Belfast.
Little PSA for you, London.
In Belfast, some of the taxi
drivers are white people.
I got in the back of this taxi
and I was like,
"They're stealing our jobs.
I don't fucking believe this."
They're going to be doctors,
soon enough.
This is unbelievable!
Now,
if you've never been to Belfast,
it's not the most diverse place
in the world.
I don't mind that, right?
As long as you've got
an Indian restaurant, we're golden.
I was there for a few days,
needed some bread,
went into the supermarket.
I turned the corner
in the aisle of the supermarket.
At the other end of the aisle,
there he was, one other brown man.
And the thing that happened next,
Apollo, I can't believe happened.
I saw this one other brown man,
other end of the aisle,
my eyes locked with his,
his eyes locked with mine.
And at exactly the same time -
without saying a word,
by the way - we both went
It was just instinct.
It came from within.
I was like, I can't believe I proved
the stereotype true!
But then I started thinking, hold on,
it's embarrassing
I proved the stereotype true,
but there's something
quite nice about
the fact that I saw a man from the
same race in an unfamiliar place,
and we had a non-verbal way of
acknowledging each other's existence.
I think it's like a security thing.
It's like all races have got this,
right?
So, apparently, with Asian people,
we've got a
Black people, for some reason,
they like getting side-on
and putting their chin in the air.
Kind of like
And white people
Hey, white people,
you got one as well.
You make your lips disappear!
You're at the all-inclusive like,
"Mm-hm, yeah."
One of the funniest
things that's ever happened to me
happened to me in Belfast, right?
I did the gig.
After the gig, went for a few bevs.
After a few bevs, went to a club.
And I love a sesh.
I love a sesh so much,
they call me Seshaan Akbar.
I love a sesh.
And I went to this club and they're
playing the kind of music I like.
You know,
untz-untz-untz-untz-untz-untz!
Bought my favourite cocktail -
sex on the beach.
Untz-untz-untz!
We got to the dancefloor.
Untz-untz-untz!
See the DJ. Untz-untz-untz!
He gives it a
He's not even Asian.
Why's he doing that?
Untz-untz-untz!
Immediately changed to
HE VOCALISES MUNDIAN TO BACH KE
BY PANJABI MC
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm standing there,
all the white people are like,
"Oh, my God, it's your song!"
The only other brown guy in the gaff
is literally saying,
"What do we do here, my friend?
What's the plan?"
I'm like, "Did you follow me
from the supermarket?"
Also, you can't play this one bloody
song every time you see us.
South Asia has got
a rich cultural musical history
predating Western European music,
by the way.
The sitar is the reason
why the guitar exists.
The tabla is the reason
why the drums exist.
And then you lot
stole our instruments
and then limited my whole culture
to this one bloody song!
But as soon as we heard it,
me and Raj were like,
"It's a banger. Let's go."
Give the people what they want.
But, like I said,
I've been travelling a lot more.
I've been travelling around.
And here's the thing -
when I go abroad, I recognise
that when I'm travelling
to another country
and I'm walking through immigration,
what they see walking towards them
is a big brown sexy bear.
SCATTERED CHEERS
Thank you, two people.
HE LAUGHS
Don't patronise me! Right
What they see walking towards them
is a big brown sexy bear.
But I was born
and raised in England, right?
So, when I go abroad, I carry
a lot of English sensibilities.
A lot of English guilt
..and a lot of English embarrassment.
Because I don't know if you've looked
around the UK at the moment -
it's a bit of a shithole. Like
I went to do some shows in Dubai.
Anybody been to Dubai?
CHEERING
The UAE gained independence in 1971.
They have an ice rink in the desert!
In Dubai,
none of the locals drink alcohol
because everything bloody works.
The only people drinking are expats
because they can't
believe everything bloody works.
In Dubai,
police officers drive Maseratis.
These are £100,000 supercars.
Police officers driving
Maseratis spun me out.
I called one of
these police officers over.
I said, "Come here, come here.
Oi, come here.
"No, I'm not building that."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I said, "Come here.
You're a police officer.
"Why the hell are you driving
a Maserati? It's a supercar."
He looked at me like I was
the biggest dickhead on the planet.
I said, "No, explain.
You're a police officer.
"Why are you driving a Maserati?"
He looked at me and he said,
"We are chasing people in Ferraris."
I went, "Oh, my God!
Even the crime is better here?!"
Because what are
our police officers doing?
They're in Vauxhall Astras
..chasing people on e-scooters
shoplifting from B&M.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This is how embarrassing
Because I don't know if you know,
like, Great Britain,
around the world, is pretty famous
for colonialism, right?
And since then, we've fallen off.
Like, our crimes are pathetic.
Six weeks ago, right?
At the time of filming,
six weeks ago,
I ALMOST got mugged.
Didn't even go through with it.
Now, here's the thing.
Who here has been mugged?
SCATTERED CHEERS
A few of you.
The rest of you haven't.
It's about to happen. No. Right
Let me tell you blow-for-blow
exactly what happened.
I was doing a gig.
I was walking from the gig
to the train station.
As I'm walking to the train station,
I saw two nefarious characters
on a scooter,
and my Spidey senses kicked in.
Cos I'm from the hood, cuz!
Man's from East London!
Whitechapel, baby! Let's go!
CHEERING
Whitechapel, or as my family
call it, Brownmosque.
Now, because I'm from East London,
I was like,
"Eshaan, you know
what's going to happen?
"I think these nefarious characters
have got ulterior motives.
"I think they might want
to get your phone."
So what I did is I said,
"Eshaan, right, here's what you do.
"Put your phone in your pocket.
"Before they come round, make sure
your phone is out of sight."
Lo and behold,
as I put my phone into my pocket,
the scooter boys
rode right next to me,
and one of them went
to grab my phone
and instinctively he grabbed my arm.
And I, in response,
instinctively grabbed HIS arm.
He then stumbled off the back
of the scooter.
So, at one point on a Friday night
in the middle of London,
we were just standing there
holding each other's arms.
And in my head I was like,
"Right, Eshaan, this is your moment.
"Your father came to this country
in the 1960s.
"He got stabbed by members
of the National Front."
He's quite an annoying man,
to be fair.
"You stand up and you show him
how you do it in East London.
"You let this guy know not
to mess with someone from the hood!"
So, Apollo, you'll be happy to know
that's exactly what I did.
OK.
Because as we were
holding each other's arms,
I looked at him and I said,
"Don't do that again."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But I'm having a nice time.
Life is good.
I feel very happy.
Over the last summer, I was
getting some work done on my house.
You know, I'm earning a bit.
I thought, you know what, let's get
some work done on the house.
And the builder came round
to my home.
Now, straight men in the audience,
I don't know how
you feel about this,
but when I meet a man
who comes into my home,
who I consider
does a more alpha job than I do,
like a builder, plasterer,
porn star -
whatever it is
..I feel like I've got to change
the way I speak to them
so they like me enough
to give me, like, a good price.
This guy came to my house.
He crossed the threshold
into my home.
I don't know what happened to me.
I started talking to him like I was
a pigeon doing an impression
of Danny Dyer.
I was like, "Awright, mate?
"How you doin', son?"
I started knocking on random walls
and kicking shit
I've never kicked before.
I'm like,
"Bloody hell! The slabs on this
need a bit of changing!"
At one point, Apollo,
I did a two-step.
I was like,
"What d'you reckon, then, son?"
Got right to the front,
got him to the door, I was like,
"What d'you reckon, son?
"You reckon you can get me
a bloody good deal, son?
"Do you reckon you can
get old Akbar
"..a proper deal, son?"
He looked at me and he said,
"I'm Lithuanian. I don't understand
why you're doing this."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I can't tell white people apart, bro.
You're all the same to me.
But I do this. It's this idea called
code-switching, right?
And if you're an ethnic minority,
you'll understand the idea
of code-switching,
where you speak a certain way
with your own friends and family,
and then you white it up.
But white people, you do it too.
You've got your normal voice,
the way you speak to your friends
and family,
and you've got your telephone voice,
the way you speak to your colleagues
and customers, right?
So, my normal voice is this.
Hello, Apollo. A pleasure to be here.
Thank you for being here.
We're going to have a great
night tonight.
And my telephone voice is
SOUTH ASIAN ACCENT: Hello.
Welcome to First Direct.
Please confirm the third
I found myself having
to do this code switch
in a place I hated
doing it the most.
I went to the white people
Mecca of Indian restaurants -
Dishoom.
Oh, my God,
you bastards love this place!
You're like, "Oh, my God, have you
had the black daal? It's to die for!"
Shut up!
People kept banging on about Dishoom
to me.
I said, "Do you know what? Let me go
and check out this restaurant."
Went to the restaurant,
looked at the menu.
The menu looked delightful.
Waitress comes over.
I say to her, "Hi there. Hi.
"May I please get the bhel, the murgh
malai and the rumali roti, please?"
Siobhan
..the diversity waitress
..she looks at me and she says,
"I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I didn't quite catch that."
I then had to order the food
of my own people
..in the most English accent
I could muster
to a bitch that can't even say
her own name properly, Sy-obe-han.
What are we doing?!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You can't just change the rules!
I said to her, "I'm terribly sorry.
This is my fault.
"May I please get the
vegetarian 'pale'
"..the chicken 'murg meh-lie'..
"'Murgh' is actually 'chicken'
in South Asia.
"I'm just saying the same thing.
"It's like saying chai tea or naan
"Do you know what? Doesn't matter.
"And could I get the, um,
'row-mali' roti bread, please?"
To which Siobhan responded,
"Ah, yes, sir. Excellent choices."
I know! It's my food!
Ladies and gentlemen,
you've been absolutely brilliant!
My name is Eshaan Akbar.
Have a great evening. Good night!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Make some noise for Eshaan Akbar,
everybody!
Live At The Apollo, are you ready
for another phenomenal act?
CHEERING
Welcome to the stage, Angela Barnes!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Whoa-ho-ho!
Good evening, Live At The Apollo!
How you doing? You all right?
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Good! Oh, I bloody love coming
and doing this show.
Well done for leaving your houses
to watch live comedy.
I honestly I can't tell you
how much it means to us,
because I'll be honest with you,
if I wasn't contractually obliged
to be here
..I would have stayed at home
to watch series three of Is It Cake?
Have you seen Is It Cake?
Oh my God, it is the best thing
Netflix has ever done.
It shits on Baby Reindeer.
It's brilliant.
Some of you are looking at me like,
"What is it?"
I've already told you.
It's called Is It Cake?
What they do, they bring out
an object and sometimes it's cake.
Yeah.
But the crucial bit -
sometimes it isn't cake.
And they've called it Is It Cake?
They've named it after what you're
thinking while you're watching it.
That's genius.
Let's do that with all telly.
Right,
no more Strictly Come Dancing.
From now on, it's called
Do You Think They're Doing It?
It's nice to be here. Thank you.
That's what I'm saying.
It's nice to be out of the house.
Because I'm nearly 50.
I'm going to be 50 next year.
CHEERING
Yeah, I'll take your cheers.
One gasp of surprise
would have been nice,
but never mind. That's
That's all right.
I don't mind it, getting older.
It's fine, isn't it?
Because you don't feel any different.
Do you remember
when you were a teenager
and people my age would
say things to you like,
"Oh, I feel exactly
the same as you in my head."
And you'd go, "Fuck off, Grandma!
We're not the same. We're not."
But it's true.
You don't feel any different, do you?
It's just the world
lets you know you're getting older.
Like, you're minding
your own business
and one day you look at Wikipedia
and you see you've outlived
eight Blue Peter dogs.
That's too many, isn't it?
I felt ancient the other day.
Do you realise last year
was the 30th anniversary
of Kurt Cobain dying?
I know. 30 years ago, that happened!
And the thing
that made me feel most ancient is,
I remember that day,
because I was a big Nirvana fan,
and I was in a pub with some friends
and this bloke came in.
He said, "Oh, my God,
Kurt Cobain's dead."
And the only way we could find out
whether that was true or not
was to get the barman to put
the telly on and check Ceefax!
Ceefax! Yeah, if you're under 30,
it's like they tried to make
the internet, but on a potato.
You don't feel yourself
getting older, do you? You don't.
Some things change, obviously,
when you get older.
I think it's around 40
when your birthday presents
turn to shit overnight.
It's actually very easy.
It's very easy to give a gift
to someone over 40.
All you've got to do is arrange
to meet up with them.
Like, get them out of the house.
Whatever it is they like doing -
pub, cinema, theatre -
whatever it is.
But this is the important bit.
This is the gift.
24 hours
before you've arranged to meet them,
send them a little text that says,
"Do you mind if we reschedule?"
LAUGHTER AND CHEERS
Oh, that is the best text you can
get over 40, isn't it?
It means you don't
have to leave your house,
and it's not your fault. Come on!
Don't get me wrong, we're having
a lovely time here tonight.
But there is not one person
in this room over 40
who wouldn't have been
absolutely fine
if tonight had been cancelled.
Fine.
I've started doing online German
conversation classes, right?
Because I've got a life. And
I love the German language,
by the way.
It doesn't get a good press,
does it?
Like Spanish or French or Italian.
It's not sexy like those languages.
But then, I think
that's a matter of perspective.
Personally, I quite like it
hard and efficient.
So
They've got brilliant words
in the German language.
I learnt one recently,
backpfeifengesicht,
which means
"face that needs a slap".
They've got a word
for Jacob Rees-Mogg.
How beautiful. Oh!
LAUGHTER AND CHEERS
Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, yeah!
It's a beautiful language.
And I love the German people,
as well.
I'm a bit of a Germanophile.
I'm a bit obsessed with
I know you can't generalise
a whole nation,
but what I like about German people,
they've got this real sort of
common sense about them.
You know,
they're very sensible people.
They'll say that about themselves -
"Alles in Ordnung."
You know, everything in order.
And I like people
who have qualities I don't have.
You know,
it's why I like people who can sing,
or people who can paint,
or people
who can have one slice of Viennetta
and put the rest back
in the freezer.
You know? I admire those qualities.
But what I like about Germans most
is this contradiction about them.
Because did you know,
right, Germans,
while they're really sensible,
they also have the highest number
of nudists per capita in the world?
Like, anyone who's been on holiday to
the Canary Islands
will tell you it is just English pubs
and German penises
as far as the eye can see.
And they have their own beaches.
You might have seen them.
The FKK beaches, they're called.
Freikorperkultur -
"free body movement".
And I'm only telling you about this
because I read something
about them recently, right?
And I'm sharing this with you
because the guy
who started that movement,
a nudist movement in the 1920s
in Germany,
his name, I kid you not,
was Adolf Koch.
Now
LAUGHTER
I can't stop thinking about
Adolf Koch back in 1920s Germany,
Cos I think there must have been
a point, wasn't there?
There must have been a point
when he went, "Oh, how embarrassing.
"I've started a nudist movement
"and my last name is English slang
for male genitalia.
"Thank God I've got a nice,
normal first name."
He didn't know, did he?
He didn't know
what was going to happen in the '20s.
That's how you know, isn't it?
That's how you know
Hitler's the worst dictator.
Ruined the name Adolf forever.
You can't call a baby Adolf any more.
You can't.
You can still call a baby Benito.
You can still call a baby Joseph.
I said it to my friend.
He said, "Yeah,
you can still call a baby Paul."
I said, "Paul?"
He said, "Paul Pot."
I said, "That's not his name."
But it's a common sense thing,
I think.
Cos I don't have common sense,
right?
I was born without it.
I'm just not one of
those common sense people.
When I was 22,
I lost a shoe on the way to work.
I'll say that again.
I lost a shoe on the way to work.
I'll tell you what happened.
I was working in London.
I got on a train.
As I stepped on the train,
my shoe fell off my foot,
went under the train.
I turned round to get off,
but before I could,
the doors closed.
I'm now going to Central London
with one shoe on
and a bright-pink sock.
I'm in a packed rush-hour train.
Everyone saw what happened,
but because we're in London,
no one said a word.
The entire carriage just looked
at me and went
SHE SNIGGERS QUIETLY
And then I've got decisions to make.
What do I do now?
Do I carry on my way to work?
If I do that, that'll be one
I've only got one shoe on.
I'm going to have to style it out.
If I go back and get my shoe,
I'm going to be late for work.
And then I've got another decision
to make.
What looks more mental,
one shoe or no shoes?
I decide no shoes look
slightly less deranged,
so I take the other shoe off,
put it in my handbag,
off I go to work,
and I styled it out
all day long at work -
one shoe on.
And I might have got away with it
had my job not been
homeless outreach support worker.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Just no common sense.
I'm not one of
those common-sense people.
You know what I mean by the
common-sense people, don't you?
You know who I mean?
Those people who say things like,
"Oh, I never use a recipe."
Fuck off.
How'd you just magically know how
to make things? That can't be right.
Look, I'll be honest,
I'm not the cook in our house.
My husband does all the cooking.
If he left me,
I'd be dead in a fortnight.
That's the truth. But for Christmas,
I got bought this Gordon Ramsay
cookbook, right?
Not from my husband.
That'd be passive aggressive,
wouldn't it? No.
I thought, I'll give it a go.
I'll try and cook something.
And I thought it would be like
an instruction manual.
You know, take me through step
But they don't, do they?
They assume you have a certain level
of common sense and knowledge.
It said things like,
"Use your paring knife."
Well, Gordon, you've made quite
the assumption there, haven't you?
Because what I've got, Gordon,
is a bread knife
and the one that isn't a bread knife.
That's what I've got.
Or it'll say things like,
"Just add a knob of butter."
Well, I'm sorry, Gordon,
I don't know how big your knob is.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I've never had common sense.
And it used to be a real problem
with me and my dad.
My dad was a common-sense person,
and it used to wind him up
because he thought
I was being wilfully stupid
to annoy him.
You know, he'd say things like,
"For God's sake, Angela, just think!"
"Just think."
As if that was the problem -
that I wasn't bothering to think,
right?
And I realise now,
at my age now, I realise
the opposite is the problem.
It's not that I don't think enough,
it's that I overthink.
I think too much, right?
I've got ADHD.
Of course I have. I'm a comedian.
Take that as read.
I can feel the breeze from
your eyes rolling from here.
Although I do want you to know
that if you rolled your eyes
as soon as I said ADHD,
I want you to know that I know
that you're the sort of people who,
100 years ago,
would have made your left-handed kids
write with their right hands,
so fuck you. But
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Honestly, people get
so upset about it.
"All the comedians say
they've got ADHD. They all say it.
"They can't ALL have it!
They can't all"
We can! That's why we're comedians!
There's a reason I'm here
and you're there, right?
We tried to have proper jobs,
but we lost our shoes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm also quite an anxious person.
I don't know if you're getting
that energy off me.
I'm quite an anxious
I came out of the womb anxious.
I've always been anxious.
I was an anxious child.
But I was a child in the 1980s,
of course,
when anxiety wasn't a thing -
didn't exist.
You were a worrier.
You were just a worrier.
And of course, the main treatment
for a child in the 1980s
who was a worrier
was for one or both of your parents
to regularly say things to you like,
"Pull yourself together or I'll
give you something to worry about!"
Turns out,
not an effective treatment, you know?
I used to worry when I was
a kid that people wouldn't like me.
I used to worry all the time
that people wouldn't like me.
And as an adult,
I have the same worry.
I don't like it
when people don't like me.
I don't even like it
when strangers don't like me.
It's why I could never drive an Audi.
I like saying that because
it makes a certain type of man
fold his arms,
and it really turns me on.
It's difficult
when you're an anxious person.
I've got what they call
a hyperconnected brain, right?
That's what I've been told.
And I'm very anxious.
It's hard to turn it off.
And what that means, when you're
constantly anxious all the time,
you're always looking
for things to go wrong.
Even good things in your life,
they can't be 100% good
because you're waiting
for them to go wrong.
Like, I remember once saying
to my husband,
"I will love you forever,
"even though statistically you're
the man most likely to murder me."
Yeah, apparently not appropriate
for a wedding vow.
It's hard to enjoy anything
in the moment
because you're looking
for the worst-case scenario.
First time I tried
to watch pornography,
I couldn't enjoy it because they
were doing it in the back of a taxi.
And I kept thinking,
"The meter's still running!"
I want to leave you with this,
though, Apollo, right?
Because I've talked a little
bit about anxiety
and confidence and stuff.
And so, I want to tell you about
a woman who changed my life
two years ago.
A woman I've never met. But you
never know who's listening, right?
Be that people here in the room
tonight or people at home.
She might help them, as well.
So I just want to tell you about her.
Like I say, I never met her,
but I found out about her
when I was doing a show in Penzance,
down in Cornwall.
And as you can see,
at the end of the show,
I'm a sweaty, hot, horrible mess,
you know?
And I came off stage at this
tour show and I looked a state,
and there was
a photographer at the venue.
And the photographer said to me,
"Can I take your photograph?"
And I said, "Oh, you don't want
to take a photograph of this.
"Look at the state of me."
And that's
when he told me about someone
who changed my life because he said,
"Don't worry about that.
"I did a wedding last week.
Bride forgot her teeth."
The bride
..forgot her teeth.
What a woman.
That is the woman I aspire to be.
Imagine having
so few shits left to give
..that on your wedding day
..you leave your house
without your teeth
..and you still want photographs.
She got to that venue.
APPLAUSE
She must have turned to her husband
and said,
"Oh, well, never mind.
Liquidise my dinner.
"You're going to get one hell
of a blowjob tonight."
Apollo, you've been incredible.
Thank you for having me.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Cheers. Goodnight.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Make some noise for Angela Barnes!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
So brilliant!
Live At The Apollo,
have we had a good time?
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
Give it up for Eshaan Akbar
and Angela Barnes!
And I've been Kiri Pritchard-McLean.
Thank you very much.
Goodnight!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE