American Dad s20e09 Episode Script

1
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
[GRUNTS]
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
And to conclude this tour
of my wine yard, a brief toast
to the lowly grape.
A simple berry for peasants,
named by the Romans, of course,
after Hanna-Barbera's
childish oaf, Grape Ape.
Believe it or not, I was once
like the lowly grape myself,
young, naive, full of juice,
until that special summer
I learned to make wine.
I was at that age when
summer means one thing,
playing in the woods.
[HARP MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm gonna go play in the woods, babe.
I'll do my chores later.
What? You don't do chores.
[OLD JEFF] The fastest way to the woods
was through Mr. Tuttle's backyard.
Careful, Jeffrey.
I love my lawn and consider her
to be my beautiful green wife.
[GULPS] Hose water's
good n' rusty today
[OLD JEFF] In the woods,
I could do anything,
like, find a really cool stick
and use it to whack trees.
I could even throw it like a boomerang.
[GRUNTS]
And of course, there was "other stuff"
to do in the woods.
This is gonna be good.
Worms.
Oh, mama!
Don't mind me,
just converting this old shack
into a Bang Shed.
It's like a gummy worm on steroids.
Great question, Jeff.
A Bang Shed is a small,
filthy, abandoned structure,
famously used as a place
to have hot sex in the woods.
I strategically placed this
to rile you up for a roll in the shed.
Not with me. I'm just the caretaker.
But it would mean a lot to me
if you'd fornicate
on this pee-soaked mattress.
It's my pee.
- [LEAVES RUSTLING]
- [SCREAMS]
Babe, I saw the monster
in the woods again, and it was
Why are you all dressed up?
We're going to a steakhouse
for Dad's half-birthday.
I must have forgotten to tell you.
- Can I come?
- Oh, I don't know, babe.
You have sap on your hands.
You smell like worms.
Wouldn't you be happier staying home
and watching Oliver & Company with Rogu?
Dog! A dog!
Billy Joel shines in role.
- I'll stay here.
- Have fun, babe
- You took that well, Jeff.
- Took what well?
Hayley obviously didn't want you to go.
She thinks of you as a boy.
No duh! She's seen my penis.
No. A little boy.
Isn't it possible she likes me
despite my many quirks and faults?
No! Wifies want their hubbies
to be mature adult men, or fish.
If you don't grow up soon,
she'll divorce you, or worse
What's worse than the big D?
The twisted C. Getting cuckolded.
That's when you're such a little boy
your wife goes out
and bonks some other dude.
That's not appropriate
for me to hear, Mr. Klaus.
What's not appropriate
is lying in the hall
while Hayley's headboard
goes bonk, bonk, bonk!
Before long,
Tell-Tale Heart-style phantom bonks
will drive you up the wall.
I don't want any of that.
Then be a man, or else it's
What's that I hear
under the floorboards?
The ghost of a brutal cuckolding?
Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk!
I'll show you I'm a man.
I'll run away crying [SOBS]
and never come back forever.
[CRIES] Never!
[CRIES]
[SCREAMS] Ever!
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[CRIES]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
Stop coming alive, you trees!
[MONSTER SNARLS]
The monster. I gotta hide.
Dear Mr. God,
please help me become a man.
[THUNDER BOOMS]
[ROGER] Get lost, ya bum!
This shed is only for
dirty woodland humping.
No solo play.
[HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING]
What's that sound?
[WHISTLING CONTINUES]
Someone forgot to turn off
their Cuppa Noodles machine.
Hello? Hello?
I'm gonna break in.
Please don't shoot me too much.
[MAN] Help me! Help me!
- Don't worry. An intruder is coming.
- [WHISTLING DIES DOWN]
Oh, God, the toilet's gone mad.
It's eating him alive!
[MAN WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]
I slipped getting out of the tub
and got wedged back here.
Help me!
I'm going to yank you out.
You're so old, I hope you don't
pull apart like roast chicken, Mister.
[STRAINING]
Please, call me Bing.
You look amazing, Mr. Bing.
Way better than you did naked.
Name's just Bing. Like the cherry.
Like the Crosby.
And thank you. Even at home,
a man should dress to impress.
Do you have any juice?
No. A man has tea to calm the nerves.
- Drink.
- [SLURPS]
Jeffrey, I'm a hermit.
Do you know what that means?
Of course. You're a crab.
It means I don't go out.
I don't have friends.
If you hadn't found me,
I'd have died on the bathroom floor.
Every crab's nightmare.
Hey, how did you hear my kettle anyway?
I was out in the woods,
where I like to play.
Playing in the woods?
I haven't played in the woods
since I was a boy.
And even then I didn't.
I know, I'm like a little boy.
You're not like a boy, you are a boy.
A golden halo of
innocence surrounds you.
- [MONSTER SCREECHES]
- The monster!
Ha! Like "Frankenstein"?
Is that what you fear?
Oh, Jeffrey,
Frankenstein hasn't been seen
in these woods for years.
Come with me.
Your "monster" is just a wild boar.
Oh, it's just the monster
from the Boar's Head deli meat packages.
And, look, he's found wild grapes.
Git, ya big galoot!
We could make wine with these.
Mr. Bing, you look good, you smell good,
you know about wine.
Please make me into a man like you.
Becoming a man takes time.
How much time? Are we done?
I'll teach you what I know,
but it's a shame, in a way,
because in becoming a man,
you will lose your innocence.
I know I did.
One last worm before I'm a man.
This one's name is Worm-o.
Thus began my lessons with Bing.
And what became of Worm-o?
Well, just a few minutes later
I flung him high into the air.
Now can we drink?
No. Bing had agreed
to teach me how to be a man.
And as it turns out,
aging a boy is a lot like aging a wine.
[HARP MUSIC PLAYING]
First rule, aging a boy
is nothing like aging a wine.
Second rule, men take baths.
Life is a battle, and smelling good
is your greatest weapon.
That's why they're called bath bombs.
[SCREAMS]
When I was young,
I'd paint my whole body purple,
privates included.
Then I'd hide in the grapes
so the women would stomp on me,
privates included.
I don't want to hear about this.
Okay, okay. A man needs boundaries.
Speaking of boundaries,
I ask you not to enter this room.
It's full of memories from my old life.
Oh! In your old life,
were you a crooner?
You think all Bings are crooners?
Come on, just stop trying
to go in my secret room, okay?
What? I didn't even know about it.
Fine. I forgive you.
Just don't let me catch you again.
Things look good.
The mattress is utterly FUBAR,
the shed is ready for sex.
Raccoons?
Ah, one's going for the Playboys.
Here we go.
[CHITTERING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
This style is called sprezzatura.
It means "effortless grace."
In loafers, a man can't help but walk
with a certain nonchalance.
[TAPPING]
Try it. Nonchalant with me, baby.
[TAPPING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
He's a boy, he's a boy
He's a beautiful boy ♪
But he wears loafers like a man ♪
I'm a boy, I'm a boy
But I'm coming of age ♪
Hey, watch out for that space ♪
And watch out for this room ♪
Don't you go in this place ♪
I wasn't trying to.
Good. Keep it that way.
He's a boy, he's a boy
He's a beautiful boy ♪
One day he'll be a beautiful man ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
That was a great song,
but somehow I have
sap on my hands again.
One word, extravirginoliveoil.
[OIL GLUGGING]
My hands are so clean
they look like a picture of hands.
What is this stuff?
You never heard of olive oil?
What's a boy eat? Little nuggets?
I eat whatever babe makes me.
Another rule, a man serves others,
and there is nothing better
to serve than a simple tomato sandwich.
Good tomato, good oil, and good salt.
Sea salt.
I only use Eastern Caspian sea salt.
If you try to use
Western Caspian sea salt,
well, it's just not Eastern.
I think I'm a man, Mr. Bing.
I just hammered a cork
into a bunghole without laughing
[CHUCKLES] that much.
You're not a man yet,
but maybe it is time for you to go.
Especially since I
just got an Amber Alert
that matches your description.
You haven't been
checking in with nobody?
Jeff, where have you been?
I've been making for you,
with sap-free hands,
a simple tomato sandwich.
How did you do that?
Are you wearing Heelys?
[SNIFFS] Babe, you smell incredible.
An old man bathed me.
Excuse me?
Mmm! This sando is on point.
Ho, ho! Look at this man.
Maybe the bonking is off the table.
I am a man. I gotta go tell Bing!
Klaus, did you tell Jeff
he was gonna get cuckolded again?
I just told him a bit
about the history of the term.
Mr. Bing, I think I'm a
Guns?
These are a good guy's guns, right?
You might want
to sit down for this, Jeffrey.
- Have some tea.
- [KETTLE WHISTLING]
The boar has become a problem.
And when there's a problem,
a man doesn't stop until it's solved.
You don't mean
I have to shoot the boar.
What did he do wrong?
Did he do a big fart like Pumbaa?
He didn't fart like Pumbaa.
He's eating the grapes
we need for next year's wine.
So he must be eliminated
and made into a simple boar ragu.
I'm sorry. [SOBS]
I guess I'm not a man after all.
You may not be a man yet,
but when you are, you can still cry.
A man can always cry.
I think it's time
I show you that locked room
you've been so obsessed with.
Jeffrey, the truth is
I used to be a hitman
for the Bingoni mafia.
You did all these?
The hits were problems
I was good at solving.
I was so good, they had me change
my first name to Bingoni.
"Bing" for short.
My last name is "Goon."
So I'm Bingoni Goon and a Bingoni goon.
And before my family name
got shortened at Ellis Island,
it was Bingonigoon,
which, believe it or not,
in English means "Bingoni Goon."
You murdered people.
I did.
But when my last hit got away,
I left the mafia in shame.
They could have made you
sleep with a fish.
But that part of my life is over.
Especially since you came along.
When I met you,
I was stuck behind a toilet.
Now, I feel like I could
throw a toilet at the moon.
Hey, that's Mr. Tuttle.
You know this man?
He lives just across the woods from you.
I cut through his yard.
Mr. Tuttle loves his yard.
Look.
Yeah, he didn't disappear.
He's just in the Witness
Protection Program.
What? He told you this?
A man hears things.
Jeffrey, would you
like to kill the boar?
No, no, I couldn't.
Not Pumbaa.
Too pure to kill a Pumbaa.
Now go. I'll call you
when the wine is ready.
And here, take this.
I knew it. You were a crooner.
I'm not a crooner.
That's Bay Area-style rap.
And if you need more space,
there's a hollow log out back
you can make into an A.B.U.
Additional Bang Unit.
How much are you asking, Roger?
Nothing. Just get in there.
Do you provide the sex partner?
It's not a brothel.
Would you negotiate on the price?
It's free, damn it!
Please, just go have sex.
I've sunk too much time
and money into this.
- No, thank you.
- Not for me.
No.
[JEFF] Hog poison?
Weird. Mr. Bing said
he was gonna shoot the boar.
Come in. The wine is ready.
Ta-da!
I thought we'd bottle it together.
Eh! Bottling is overrated.
It is? By who?
The bottlers.
Hey, Mr. Bing, you shot the boar, right?
You didn't strangle it or poison it?
Of course I shot it.
Oh, okay, it's just
I see, because I killed
a bunch of people,
you think I'm some psycho?
Look, to prove it to you
I've put that life behind me
I want to reach out to the community.
Share our wine.
We could go door to door together.
[GROANS] You'll
have to deliver it alone.
My old between-the-tub
and-the-toilet injuries
are acting up again.
But you were just
dancing around like Fred Astaire.
And where's Fred Astaire now?
Dead.
Now, somewhere here
is a very special bottle for Tuttle.
Mr. Tuttle? Why Mr. Tuttle?
He might be afraid of me
on account of the mafia connection.
I want to extend an olive branch.
- [JEFF] Is this it?
- [BING] No!
This one.
It's the only green one.
A nod to his curvaceous
herbaceous green lawn.
Mr. Bing, you don't want to kill
Mr. Tuttle, do you?
What, kill? I don't kill anymore.
I won't even listen to The Killers.
Except Mr. Brightside.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[OLD JEFF] As I walked to Mr. Tuttle's,
my head was swimming with thoughts like,
"Did Bing poison the wine?"
And "If I delivered it,
would that make me a murderer?"
And "I wish I hadn't gotten
so high this morning."
Then I remembered a few
of Grape Ape's antics and chuckled.
[CHUCKLES]
But mostly I was thinking about
whether the wine was poisoned.
Hold those glasses up, up, up!
We're nearly at the end.
I returned to my mentor
after taking the wine to Tuttle's.
I had made the most difficult
decision of my life.
Geez, Jeffrey,
you've gone as pale as a sheet.
Did you see something
in that Bang Shed that spooked you?
There's never anything going on
in the Bang Shed.
I feel sorry for that weird little man.
He's been working his tail off.
Oh, he sees me.
He's beckoning me over.
No, thank you.
He's making kissy faces.
Okay.
He's swallowing a whole banana,
humping the air.
He's really throwing
the kitchen sink at me here.
Wow, and now he's rolling out
a vibrating saddle.
What would he even plug that into?
Oh, he's showing me the generator.
[ENGINE REVVING]
A lot of smoke coming out of that thing.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
Out of gas. And now he's crying.
[JEFF] Let's have some tea.
[SIPS] So how did it go with Tuttle?
[SLURPS]
He was happy to see
me, a trusted friend.
Oh, wonderful.
And the wine?
Was he happy to see the trusted wine?
Mr. Bing, did you poison Tuttle's wine?
[GAGS] Poison Tuttle? Of course not.
I would no sooner poison Tuttle
than use that creepy man's shed.
[ROGER] I heard that
through my binoculars!
[ENGINE REVVING]
Ooh! I'm happy again.
Jeff, believe me.
I did not poison Tuttle's wine.
[SIGHS IN RELIEF] That's a relief.
Hey, let's finally open
some of our wine.
I want to taste it.
You already are.
I put some of Tuttle's wine in your tea,
in case you did poison it.
Isn't that hilarious?
[SPITS] Why would you do that, Jeffrey?
I knew if you made up
your mind to kill him,
you'd never stop trying.
You said it yourself.
"A man doesn't stop
until a problem is solved."
[PANTING] I need some air.
[ROGER] Solo play is healthy.
[COUGHING]
What's the big deal?
You didn't poison it, right?
I did. I did poison it
with enough hog poison
to poison every hog
from here to Poison Hog City.
I'm gonna die.
What? Oh, God, what have I done?
You saw a problem
and you didn't stop until you solved it.
You know what that makes you?
A man.
And since you're a man,
I don't have to feel bad
- about killing you.
- [CLICKS]
Sorry, Bing, I took out
all the bullets from your secret guns.
I'm so proud of you,
but I bet you didn't find
the one in my sock.
- [CLICKS]
- I got that one, too.
You get the one in the freezer?
- [CLICKS]
- Yep.
- Cereal box? Microwave?
- Yep. Yep.
Inside the hollowed-out loaf
of rustic ciabatta bread?
- Yep.
- The gun behind the toilet?
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTS]
Why did you have to send me
to kill Tuttle?
Because nobody would ever suspect a man
of using a boy to kill a man.
[CHOKING] I suspected it.
Can't you throw up the poison?
- [BITES]
- [SHRIEKS]
I win! I'm gonna get the gun.
[GRUNTS]
I'm stuck. Full circle, huh, Jeffrey?
If I pull you out, will you still try
- to kill me?
- Yes.
Then I have to leave you
trapped here, Bing.
[SOBS] Exactly what a man would do.
Go, my beautiful man. Go!
[SOBBING]
Babe, I've been
looking all over for you.
I'm a man. [CRIES]
Oh, yeah? Wanna show me?
And then I had sex
with my wife in the Bang Shed.
Wow. Did anyone find Bing's body?
No. A bunch of wild boars
ran in and ate him alive.
Cheers!
[GLASSES CLINK]
Can you believe, all those years ago
someone was trying to kill me?
That was interesting to you?
I was mostly drawn
to the Bang Shed parts.
What a challenge that was.
Sadly, those walls
didn't stand for long.
Demolished later that summer
by a 0.4 earthquake.
Nothing I could do except go to court.
You might be familiar
with my landmark lawsuit.
General Napoleon Bonerparts v.
The United States Geological Survey.
It made the papers!
"Creep Laughed Out of Court."
Oh, that's just the headline.
Keep reading.
It gets worse.
[GRUNTS]
You better lawyer up, boar.
Napoleon Bonerparts
will see you in court.
sync & corrections awaqeded