American Dad s20e10 Episode Script

1
Fairest of mornings, Principal Lewis.
And only two hours late to work?
[SIGHS]
Hangover cure delivery!
One egg sando and a moonshine mimosa.
[GRUNTS] Smith,
it was a great idea making you
School's Goodest Boy.
If I'd known that made up titles
would trick brown-nosers
into being my servant,
I would have done it years ago.
This morning, we have a meeting
with the school board's
new Minister of Tests.
Looks like the last guy just retired
at the ripe old age of
Thirty-two? How?
On account of all the bribes!
Each year,
I bribed the Minister of Tests
so no one at Pearl Bailey
ever has to take
the annual Basic Aptitude Test,
- or BAT for short.
- Why?
Because we have the dumbest
student body in the state!
And I don't want to
come in on a Saturday!
Typical Lewis.
Let's just hope the new
Minister of Tests is easygoing
- and not some kind of
- [DOOR SLAMS OPEN]
- Jack Hardass, Minister of Tests.
- [GASPS]
Principal Lewis,
is it true none of your students
have taken the BAT in years?
Your predecessor and
I had an arrangement,
and I'm hoping you'll
turn a blind eye as well?
Jack Hardass doesn't take cash bribes!
If money's not your jam,
how about sex with this prostitute?
How dare you!
The only prostitute I
sleep with is my wife!
Your wife is a prostitute?
You bet she is.
I may be a Hardass, but I'm not a prude!
If your students don't pass the BAT,
Pearl Bailey's getting the AXE.
The Advanced Xylophone Exam?
No, by AXE, I mean the SAC.
School's Absolute Closure.
So, is someone gonna sleep with me?
[SIGHS] Nah, Steve's a minor,
and I'm not in the mood anymore.
Okay. You know where to find me.
[DRAWER RATTLES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I got a feeling
that it's gonna be ♪
A wonderful day ♪
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
And now,
if the whole school doesn't pass
the Basic Aptitude Test,
Pearl Bailey's getting
shut down forever.
- Do you mind?
- Ah, my bad.
Just getting things together
for when this place
gets turned into a rat trap factory.
This is ridiculous!
It's not fair the whole
school might close
just because of a few dunces.
Most of us, everyone here but Barry,
could easily pass the BAT.
Actually, I'm a pretty bad test taker.
I shut down under pressure.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Yeah, no offense, Barry,
but you're kind of the
dumbest kid in school.
I am not the dumbest kid in school!
I actually tutor the dumbest kid
in school for extra credit.
Right now, I'm teaching him shapes.
Everyone, this is Dumbston Flunco.
How dumb we talkin' here?
NFTs are the future of currency.
Oh, God! It's worse than I thought.
[SNIFFING] And what's that smell?
That smell's coming from Dumbston.
He's been medically diagnosed as
"too dumb
to wipe his own ass."
Doctors say there's no cure.
The BAT will be tough,
but we gotta pass.
We owe it to Pearl Bailey.
Hear, hear!
Shouldn't you be drinking your lunch
in the teacher's lounge?
I had to swing by the cafeteria
to bribe the lunch ladies
into doing their jobs.
That's just called paying them.
Well, how about we keep that
between us? Hmm?
Okay. But you must have
some plan to raise
our BAT scores.
Hell, yeah, I do!
You have ten seconds
to say something smart,
or I drop you off this roof.
Female orgasms are a myth.
I already know that.
[STEVE] Principal Lewis, stop!
Instead of intimidating your students,
what if you tried inspiring us?
Here are some inspirational
materials I keep on hand
just in case I need a quick spark of joy
during the school day.
Interesting
I'll check them out after
I get home from the Y.
I go there to watch women
play racquetball on Mondays
through Fridays.
Is it just me, or have our lunch orders
been really bad recently?
Beats me. I can't taste a thing! [GULPS]
That's just one of the many
benefits of Long Covid.
[BULLOCK] Attention, agents!
A meteor with a volcano on
top is speeding towards Earth,
and we only have a few days to stop it,
before it destroys the world.
[STAN] Dear God!
I got practically no dressing!
If you order a salad from a salad place,
their only job is to get the
salad-to-dressing ratio right.
What is this place called?
"Lettuce In Your Mouth?"
Let me ask, when did puns become
more important than flavor?
The volcanic meteor is still
a secret from the public.
And because the "I" in CIA may or
may not stand for "international,"
we've been charged with gathering
every genius in the world
to the same location,
so they can hatch a plan to save Earth.
[STAN] I believe we can do it!
I believe we can find
a better lunch spot.
This is America, damn it!
And our forefathers would weep at
the sight of this dry, paltry salad.
And another thing
So, for the sixth time,
you fill in the bubble.
What you don't do is draw another
circle around the pre-existing circle!
A circle is a shape.
We are so screwed.
You bitches ready to get hype?
Smith, last night, I consumed your
inspirational media, and it changed me.
I see now that my entire job
is to motivate my students.
That's terrific!
But right now,
they really need to learn the basics.
Learn? The only thing they need to
learn is to believe in themselves.
[EPIC MONTAGE MUSIC PLAYING]
I've spent weeks inspiring you.
Time you could have used studying.
But inspiration is the most
important part of education,
even more important than the educating.
So before you take the BAT this afternoon,
I have one last thing to inspire you.
[VOCALIZING] Well ♪
- You know you got to pass the ♪
- BAT ♪
- You got to pass it now ♪
- BAT ♪
- Go ahead and show them how ♪
- BAT ♪
- Believe in yourselves ♪
- [ALL] BAT ♪
- Just get those scores a little ♪
- BAT ♪
- A little bit higher now ♪
- BAT ♪
- A little bit higher now ♪
- BAT ♪
- A little bit higher now ♪
- BAT ♪
A little bit higher now ♪
[VOCALIZING] Now wait ♪
[VOCALIZING CONTINUES]
So we sang too long and missed the test.
Fortunately, I was able
to schedule this makeup test.
It's twice as hard as the original,
but, remember, I believe in you.
- Ready, set, go!
- [GUN FIRES]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[TICKS]
Oh, man, pressure's on!
[CLOCK TICKING]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
[CLOCK CONTINUES TICKING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES]
[LEWIS OVER PA] Pencils down!
Please turn in your test
to the School's Goodest Boy
so we can pass them off
to the Minister of Tests.
Then let's get back to
[VOCALIZING] Singing ♪
Wrong! Wrong!
Failed test! Failed test!
Snot didn't even finish the first page!
Oh, God!
They're gonna shut down the school!
The Ministry of Tests will
have these graded in a week,
so your days of getting
an education are numbered.
[STEVE YELPS]
That's right.
My wife's not just a prostitute,
she's also my sensei.
So I get lessons
For! Free!
Whoa, you're on time?
Well, here's your egg sando
and moonshine mimosa.
Actually, instead of breakfast wine,
I think I'll take a water.
[GASPS] Who are you?
This is how I am now that I've got
inspiration coursing through my veins.
I don't know why I avoided the
Basic Aptitude Test all these years.
Pearl Bailey's bound to pass.
There's no way this school
is passing the BAT.
I know that for a fact!
My dear boy,
what are facts in the face of hope?
Facts! Facts are always facts!
Well, the old me
might have believed that.
But the new me believes inspiration
will ultimately save us.
But the rat trap factory!
Well, we gotta do something.
You're still Principal Lewis.
You always have a shady
solution up your sleeve.
Not anymore. I'm a changed man.
Which reminds me.
Cindy, I'm no longer the type of
man who requires your services.
In fact, all of you can clear out!
Looks like I'll have to find
my own way to save the school.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Barry, why'd you bring Dumbston?
We had a tutoring session tonight,
and I can't leave him alone
because he forgets how to breathe.
Suck through face hole!
We talked about this!
[GASPS FOR AIR]
We prepped all week,
and now it's finally time to break
into the Ministry of Tests,
and change the school's BAT results.
We've only got one shot at this.
One shot?
You know I can't handle
that kind of pressure.
- [SCREAMS]
- Snot, wait!
I guess it's a good thing
Dumbston's here after all.
Here's how it's gotta go down.
First, Barry will get rid
of the security guard
he's been catfishing.
My love! She's waiting for me.
[STEVE] Then, Dumbston will use
a map of the Ministry's compound
to show us where they keep the scores.
[INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING]
After that, Toshi will clear out
the building by turning up the heat.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
And finally, I'll hack into the system's
mainframe and change the test results.
I gave everyone else realistic
scores as to not draw suspicion,
but for us, and Snot,
since I still love the guy,
how about a little treat?
Now let's scram before
anyone catches us.
I don't know how to "scram,"
but I do know a number higher than 100.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
We need to discuss irregularities
with Pearl Bailey's recent test results.
Some of your students received scores
higher than mathematically
thought possible.
Excellent! But also, how?
Not sure.
But five students, including your
Goodest Boy here, got scores of 101%.
[WHISPERS ANGRILY] Dumbston!
Test scores that suspiciously
good can only mean one thing.
This school is home to
five certified geniuses!
I knew inspiration was the key!
Not only is Pearl Bailey staying open,
but in light of the high scores,
the state has chosen to increase
the school's budget by 101%.
- Whoo-hoo! All my troubles are over.
- Yeah!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHOOSHING]
We've been crunching the numbers,
and if our calculations are correct,
then it was a really bad idea to put every
genius on Earth in the exact same place.
[TV PLAYS EXTENDED BEEP]
All the geniuses of the world are dead.
Now there's no way to stop the meteor.
[STAN] Oh, no!
My sandwich! It's so soggy!
And the bread is, I want to say
Too sweet?
Got some hot news for my news sluts.
A meteor with a volcano on top is headed
towards Earth, and we're all going to die.
What the heck do you think you're doing?
Just breaking the breaking news.
Uh, yeah, meteor-related news.
And I'm a meteorologist?
That means this story
is in my jurisdiction.
Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm sports reporter, Muhammad Alioop,
and in sports news
[BOTH] Shut up, Muhammad!
Roger, how is Muhammad Alioop not you?
I can't be everyone.
What are we supposed to do now
that we know we're gonna die?
I know! Let's drink every time
one of them says "volcano."
- Yeah!
- Alright!
- Sick!
- I hate Klaus.
[DIGITAL SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
I'm loving the new budget,
but it's crazy school is still open
when we know a meteor with a volcano
on top is gonna kill everyone.
After all we did to
keep this place open,
there's nowhere else I'd rather die.
One, two, three, eyes on me!
Today's lunch comes with a side
of CIA director, Avery Bullock.
By now, you've all heard about
the meteor with a volcano on top.
Luckily, I discovered that the last five
geniuses on Earth attend this school.
Let's hear it for humanity's last hope!
- [APPLAUDING]
- [DUMBSTON GASPS]
I just realized!
I should be wiping my butt
front to back, not side to side.
- Anyways, what's happening?
- [YELLS ANGRILY]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
For those just joining us,
a volcanic meteor will destroy Earth,
and this meteorologist
is here to tell you
[MEMPHIS GRUNTS]
The fate of the world rests in the hands
of five genius virgins and a
principal of average intelligence
who assures us
he no longer pays for sex.
[BOTH GRUNT]
Luckily, the mission
is being spearheaded
by an expert pilot with years
of training and experience.
And in sports news
Forget sports! I, the main news guy,
will keep you posted
on the meteor until the bitter end.
Huh, they're not saying "volcano"
as much as I thought they would.
I don't want to die sober!
- Phooey!
- Not sick!
I still hate Klaus.
[ELEVATOR WHIRRING]
Normally, you'd spend years
training for a mission like this.
But seeing as you're geniuses,
I won't bother explaining a single thing.
I wanna make sure you have
a solid burger-to-fry ratio.
I don't want a ton of fries and
then some itty-bitty burger.
Dad! You got to help!
Not now, son. This might be my last meal,
and I need it not to suck.
This is the expert pilot who
will be leading your expedition.
Huh, I guess I did explain something.
Wait!
We're not geniuses.
We're just regular kids!
Whatever.
There are four stations in
different parts of the ship.
You kids will split up and take my
orders via intercom. Any questions?
Yeah, is it just me,
or does it smell like my ass in here?
Well, take off your helmet.
I'll just open a window.
Ha! Good one.
Why don't you hit that airlock button
over there and freshen things up?
- [BEEPS]
- [PILOT SCREAMS]
Oh, God! She was our last hope!
We're doomed!
Steve, keep it together!
We still have five geniuses.
And the man who inspired
them to be that.
We're not geniuses.
We cheated on the BAT.
Okay, we have zero geniuses
and one inspirational man.
That's more than enough.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
With the expert pilot gone,
it's doubtful even the geniuses
will be able to save us.
Screw this!
If we're gonna die, I'm doing a The
Purge style rampage at Tuttle's house.
[ALL SHOUTING ANGRILY]
- [OBJECTS CRASHING]
- [PUNCHES LANDING]
- [TUTTLE] Well, beats dying alone!
- [SHOUTING CONTINUES]
Listen up, boys.
Steve and I will man the intercom.
The rest of you, battle stations.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[STEVE] Okay, Tosh, you're up.
Before we do anything,
we need to know how hot that volcano is.
And we need it in Celsius!
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
[INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[GASPS]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
[KEYBOARD CLACKS]
Great work, Toshi!
Okay, now, Dumbston,
we need you to place
the triangular target lock icon
on top of the dodecahedron meteor.
That's so many shapes!
I know, buddy.
And if I could ask literally
anyone else to do this,
even like a dog or a chimp that
knew a little sign language,
I would, but it's got to be you.
So that building is square.
That one's rectangular,
that one's a dodecahedron,
and the one we're looking
for is shaped like a
Triangle!
Moments like this
make it all worthwhile.
I got it!
[TRILLING]
Dumbston, that's perfect!
Maybe you're not so dumb after all.
Comedians are modern day philosophers.
Ugh, never mind.
All right, your turn, Barry.
All you need to do is enter this
password into your station's computer.
But, Steve, you know I can't spell!
[SHOUTS] You're gonna have to.
The password is
"pulchritudinous."
Can I get the country of origin?
There's no time for that!
Could you at least use it in a sentence?
Here's a sentence for you.
If you don't figure out how to spell
"pulchritudinous"
[YELLS] we're all gonna die!
Barry, you need to get this security
guard to fall in love with you.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
Of course! "Pulchritudinous."
Spelled just like it sounds.
[COMPUTER TRILLING]
[EPIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[METAL CLANKING]
Okay, Snot, it all comes down to you,
but this is the easy part.
All you have to do is push the big
red button right in front of you.
I can do that.
Great, because all of
humanity is counting on you.
What? That's too much pressure.
[HYPERVENTILATING]
[GROANING]
He's not gonna be able to do this!
With the right inspiration, he is.
[VOCALIZING] Well ♪
- You know you're gonna have to ♪
- Press ♪
- That big red button now ♪
- Press ♪
- Or Earth will go kapow! ♪
- Press ♪
- It's right in front of you ♪
- Press ♪
- So all you got to do is ♪
- Press ♪
[VOCALIZING] Now wait ♪
Don't wait! Press it now!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC STING PLAYS]
- We did it!
The meteor has been stopped
By a robot with a baseball bat.
Which officially makes
this a sports story!
- [ALL CHEERING]
- All right!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
- [CHEERING CONTINUES]
- I wish we'd all died.
Well, boys, we did it.
My inspiration and your test
results showed the world
you were the geniuses for the job.
I told you, we're not geniuses.
We're only here because
Dumbston faked our test scores.
This was all Dumbston's doing?
Well, at least there's one genius.
And one inspirational man.
Now, let's party!
[VOCALIZING]
[BARRY] Security guard?
It's me, Ebony.
My real name's Barry.
I lied about being a 33-year-old
African American woman.
I lied about knowing what an HBCU is.
And I definitely lied
about not having diabetes.
But the feelings we shared,
the relationship we
built with each letter,
that was real.
I'm just a teenage boy
who pretended to be an adult lady
standing in front of a full-grown man,
asking him to love him.
Nah, man.
[CRYING]
Bye bye! See you soon!