American Dad s20e12 Episode Script
400?!
1
Stan's good to go.
His internal biosensor shows body
temp and heart rate are normal
and he has a full erection.
That makes two of us!
Dear diary.
Tonight's the night.
The big deal with the Domingo cartel, and
I have no idea what I'm going to wear.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPING]
Congrats, Stan.
This is your 400th mission.
We've got you an ice cream cake.
Wait, are you eating the cake now?
Uh no.
This is a
practice ice cream cake.
[CHOKING]
[ALARM SOUNDING]
Sorry, fellas. I gotta split.
[GAGGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Stan, what's for dinner tonight?
Don't tell me you forgot
it was your turn to cook.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, come on!
Hey, Stan,
I need a ride to the dealership.
My truck's making this noise.
[GURGLING]
Guys, I'm on a mission.
This number is only for emergencies.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- [STEVE] This is an emergency.
I'm debating changing my hairstyle.
What do you think?
- [NOTIFICATIONS CHIME]
- [MAN GROANS]
[STRAINED GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS, SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
Ahhh!
[MACHINE FLATLINES]
[ALL GASP]
Oh, sweet! Ice cream cake.
Oh no, Stan's dead.
- [MOURNFUL TRUMPET MUSIC PLAYING]
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
[ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO PLAYING]
Stan, your journey is not yet over.
I'm alive?
Yes, but you've lost a lot of blood
and are having strange visions.
What kind of visions,
rock 'n' roll Gandalf?
- Oh.
- [GUITAR SOLO FADES OUT]
My internal biosensor.
The CIA must think I'm dead.
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
It is just one of those days.
[BODY THUDS]
[GRUNTS]
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [ALL GASP]
[WEAKLY] Happy birthday.
[SIGHS WITH RELIEF]
Francine, prepare for some heartfelt
but extremely low effort love-making.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Who the hell are you?
I'm Stan. Who the hell are you?
I'm Stan. Now get out of my house!
You get out of my house!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING IN PAIN]
- [GRUNTING]
- [CHOKING]
If you're the real Stan,
then tell me,
what's your wedding anniversary?
- No clue. [GRUNTS]
- [THUDS]
Actually, I don't know either.
[STAN 2] I demand you
take me to the CIA.
I need some answers.
That's where we're going, dumbass.
And I'm the one who needs answers.
[PHONE RINGING]
[STEVE] Dad, I'm freaking out
about my big haircut tomorrow,
so I booked us an emergency
midnight telehealth session
with Dr. Penguin. Thanks.
[BOTH SIGH]
Sometimes, the family is just
unrelenting.
Sometimes? More like always.
Yes, and between work and family,
I never have a second for myself.
I hear you, bro.
You know,
I still haven't used the spa gift card
that Stiles got me two Christmases ago?
Brutal.
You know, for an evil clone likely sent
to murder me, you're a pretty solid dude.
Thanks, but I'm pretty sure
you're the clone, my friend.
Agree to disagree clone.
But here's one thing
we can agree to agree on.
Do you want to
[BOTH] Stop at DQ for a
Blizzard with fries mixed in?
This is good,
but it would be way better
[BOTH] at Chipotle,
so we can enjoy the amazing music!
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
DJ Mild Salsa, give us a moment.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Uh, I might have figured out
who's the clone.
Also, that right there,
that's a dead giveaway.
Aw, man!
Hey, don't be sad.
I know what'll cheer you up.
Wow. My very own Kangol hat.
I feel like a cool bald guy.
Oh, we're here.
Oh, good. No one's in my parking spot.
[TIRES SCREECH]
What now?
Do we even know what we're looking for?
No, but I bet
that guy knows where to go.
[SENSOR WHIRS]
Tenderize!
Looks like Agent Escher designed
another secret staircase.
[WHISPERING] I just want to say,
I'm having a really good time with you.
Me too.
Okay. Just free-associating.
I don't love what I'm seeing.
I thought we lost you.
I'm so happy you're alive, Stan.
Bullock,
what's with this secret clone program?
Think of it.
Never again will an agent's family
lose a loved one to a dangerous mission.
Visiting widows is the
worst part of my job.
I hate folding that flag.
The widows never appreciate it.
They're always crying.
Okay, but why are they all clones of me?
We were actually trying to clone Stiles,
but you sneezed in the sample.
It's actually impossible
to find a DNA sample
in the office that you
haven't sneezed on
[SNEEZES] Sorry. Late to block that one.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES, BEEPS]
- Yep.
[HAYLEY] Hey, Dad. I accidentally
got super high, and now I'm lost.
Can you come and find me?
Hey, Tuttle!
Oh, I'm in Tuttle's house. Never mind.
[GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION]
The frustrated grunt of a man
with a lot on his plate.
Don't you see the answer
is right in front of you?
I'm giving you clones!
You see, what I'm trying to do
I've been around the block, Stan.
I know what's happening here.
Okay. But the plan is
For the clones to help with all
your family responsibilities.
Yes, I get it.
This isn't, like, a groundbreaking idea.
Happy to help wrangle the Stans
and break them in.
Why are you standing
on that stool like that?
So I can do this.
Hmm. Wet all the way down.
These are good clones.
I'm off to the spa.
Here's a list of what I need
the clones to do for me today.
Now, it might be tricky to
coordinate all these tasks
without the family catching on.
Are you sure you got this, Roger?
Stan, I simultaneously
juggle hundreds of personas,
run three successful Wingstop franchises,
and I'm the GM of the Vancouver Canucks.
I think I can handle a few
clones doing some errands.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[ROGER] Help!
Stan, you need to come back.
I'm in way over my head.
What's this?
Are you kidding me?
What were you two doing by the river?
[BOTH] Salamanders.
Salamanders?
That's your answer? Salamanders?
Now, what the hell is this?
What are you doing?
This isn't on the list.
Who even is this kid?
Camden.
Get in the car.
Up. Wait, empty your pockets.
[SALAMANDERS CHIRPING]
All of you?
Go easy on the clones, Stan.
It's not all their fault.
I know. It's mostly your fault.
Wow. You need to relax, bud.
Have a beer.
Have sex with one of the clones.
Roger, you're no longer in charge.
It's the right call.
You clones need supervision.
Someone to watch over you and
make sure you're doing your jobs.
To that end, I've brought in
More clones!
All right, Stan 4 is giving Jeff a bath.
Seven is at Dillard's with Hayley,
finally getting her
properly sized for a bra.
Oh, original Stan is home.
Stan 12, how's that foot rub going?
Oh, Stan.
[SOFTLY] She's super horny.
We're ready for you, OG Stan.
Time for the main event.
[GRUNTS]
Boom.
Sending in Stan 13 for cuddling.
[MAN] I've come to warn you.
The secret clone program
is not what it seems.
[ATTENDANT] Stan Smith.
Ooh, I'd love to hear the
rest of that dire warning,
but I need this massage stat.
Threw my back out banging my wife.
It was like a sex marathon, bro.
[MAN SIGHS]
Smells good.
What did I cook tonight? [LAUGHS]
It's coq au vin with
sherry instead of
Oh, my God. Why do people keep trying to
explain important details to me today?
Who's hungry for my legendary
Turkey soup?
[ALL CHEERING]
[KLAUS] Cheers to the one and only Stan.
This is bullcrap.
I don't know, guys.
It's nice to see Stan happy.
Doesn't that make it all worth it?
Oh, shut up, Cuddle Stan.
Hold up. I'm confused.
We played basketball all
yesterday afternoon, Dad.
How did you also take Steve
to a five-hour haircut?
Great question, Hayley,
but I have a better one.
Who wants dessert?
- [THUDDING]
- What's all that noise?
Probably rats, ungrateful rats
that need to be put in their place.
Finally, someone is doing something
about those entitled rats.
It's not fair how you treat us.
Hey, we're all equal here.
Except for me, because I was created
by God and you are abominations.
What the heck is going on, Stan?
Nothing's going on.
Woman, you are so paranoid.
[CRASHING]
Just because you're right
doesn't mean you're not paranoid.
Now I get how you were
able to do all that stuff.
But it wasn't you at all, was it?
'Twas beauty that killed the beast!
No, Jeff.
All right, I might have had a
little help from a few clones.
Let's not make this into a huge deal.
I thought you had turned over a new leaf,
but instead, you found a new low.
Hey, I did this for you guys.
For us? Where were you even?
[CLONES] He was at the spa!
The spa, huh?
Well, if you love the spa so much,
why don't you just go live there?
Great idea. Maybe I will.
So, it's probably time for you
unsettling creatures to go too.
They can't leave now.
I need their help completing my look.
What's next for me?
Overlining my lips or
shaving off my eyebrows?
- [CLONES] Both.
- See?
Okay, the unsettling creatures can stay.
- Yes!
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Family kick you out?
You're gonna love living at the spa.
All the mealy Granny Smith apples
and deodorant you can eat.
But I don't want to eat deodorant.
I want my family.
What a weirdo.
Don't worry. It's all good.
I've learned my lesson and
appreciate my family again.
This happens a lot.
I forget to value my family,
but then I remember.
So if you'll simply let
me back into my house
This is our house now.
Listen up, clonies.
I'm the original Stan.
You clonies have to do what I say.
I don't think so.
We've realized that it is we clonie
uh, clones,
that are superior,
better than you in every way.
Goodbye, Stan.
[STAN SCREAMING]
- [CALM MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Make yourself at home, Stan.
We're watching Peacock.
Bullock,
there's something wrong with the clones.
They're being really
mean and talking crazy,
saying they're superior to me.
Sounds like everything is
going exactly as planned.
- What?
- This is why I let you take the clones.
I needed them to realize
they were superior to humans.
And the only way to do that was to
have them live with an idiot like you!
- The only way?
- The most fun way!
I can't believe this.
If only someone had warned me!
[MAN SIGHS]
Humanity is weak and flawed.
Your time has passed.
The future is clones, Stan.
Hey, why are you calling me Stan?
- You always call me
- [BULLOCK] Smith!
Watch out.
Two Bullocks? How could this be?
What? He's obviously a clone!
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[STAN EXCLAIMS]
[LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY]
Oh, no! Now I know how those
delicious BK broilers feel!
[BOTH YELP]
- [SHIP HORN BLARING]
- [PANTING]
[STAN GRUNTING]
Where am I?
Welcome to the Island of Misfit Stans!
What is this place?
[DR. WEITZMAN] I think
I can answer that.
It's an island.
Yes. But why all the
Horrifying versions of you that
look like crimes against nature?
Well, you see,
one of my clone project duties included
killing all the Stans that came out
different.
But I didn't have the heart to do it.
So I came up with this system
where the imperfect Stans
would secretly be
shipped to this island.
[RETCHING]
Every breath I take is
like a little death.
He's our resident drama queen.
I finally did master the process,
but then Bullock turned
on me and here I am.
But I'm not complaining.
I love island life.
I got my hammock, my little Stan,
and all the raw monkey I can eat.
Yeah, this place is pretty sweet.
But don't just take it from me!
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
And we love it here ♪
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
I never wanna go ♪
'Cause I'm a freak show ♪
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
I'm sorry, Smith. This is all my fault.
When you start a
clandestine cloning program,
you never expect anything to go wrong.
- What happened?
- Things went downhill
after I cloned myself to wait in line
for the Jordan 5 Wolf Greys to drop.
My own frickin' clone turned against me.
And now that Evil Bullock has turned
all the clones against humankind.
He's been making enhanced Stan clones.
They're planning on
taking over the world.
Oh, no! My family is in danger!
Your family
and the whole world!
I have trouble conceptualizing
stakes that high.
Let's just stick with my family.
Okay.
All right, first we clone the
president and collapse the economy.
Then we clone the pope and
destroy their religion.
And then we clone the members of Weezer,
break up the band,
spend a decade messing around
with indulgent side projects,
until finally reuniting
to headline Coachella.
I'm a little behind. Did you guys
figure out these are clones yet?
Roger, why are you in here?
Stan 4 found out that I was
also hooking up with Stan 7
Eight, nine, 10 and 11.
There was a hilarious scene of me on
six dates all at the same Ruth's Chris.
Did that get cut for time?
I need to get back to save my family!
And I need to get back for
my goddaughter's quinceanera.
But how will we get home?
Someone need a ride?
Sail ♪
- Hi, Stan!
- Hey, Stan!
- Hi, Stan!
- Hey, Stan!
This is amazing! But I don't get it.
Why are you all helping me?
[SUPER FLAT STAN] We may be misfits,
but we're still Stans.
We love Francine, Hayley and Steve,
and tolerate Roger,
Jeff and Klaus, just as you do.
But, hey,
could you move slightly to the left?
You are standing right on my balls.
Sail ♪
We know!
[EVIL BULLOCK] So,
the aberrations survived.
Very well.
It's time.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Understood. We'll be there.
Oh, I'm getting another call.
No, Klaus,
I can't hang out at the dealership.
I don't care that the hot receptionist
is wearing the sweater again.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
[EPIC MUSIC PLAYING]
This is horrible.
I don't want to watch my
daddies hurt each other.
Oh, you have to watch.
I shall relish seeing your face
as your father and your
belief in humanity die.
Wow. That was lame.
Embarrassing.
We all heard you practicing
your little speech in the
bathroom this morning.
You heard that?
- Yeah, we did!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
I know you're scared
of these perfect Stans.
But I'm here to tell you,
Stans aren't supposed to be flawless.
Flaws make us who we are.
Those other Stans may be perfect,
but it's our imperfections
that make us beautiful.
Really?
[RETCHING]
Yes.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Charge!
- For Narnia!
[ALL CHEERING]
Wow. The battle of the 400 Stans.
[STEVE] Four hundred?
I'm not sure your math is right.
By my count
Steve, don't be that guy.
It's the battle of the 400 Stans!
It's the battle Of the 400 Stans,
y'all ♪
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING,
IRON MAIDEN "THE TROOPER"]
I'm Cuddle Stan,
and I couldn't bear to see war
Die, clone scum, die!
You'll take my life
But I'll take yours too ♪
You fire musket ♪
But I'll run you through ♪
So when you're waiting
For the next attack ♪
You better stand
There's no turning back ♪
The bugle sounds
The charge begins ♪
But on this battlefield
No one wins ♪
The smell of acrid smoke
And horse's breath ♪
As I plunge on
into certain death ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
[CLONE SCREAMING]
[GROANS]
Don't worry, Smith.
I'm pretty sure I'm the good one!
[BOTH STRAINING]
I should have known
it would come to this.
I'm gonna savor your death.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
So corny!
Shut up! You won't be laughing when
Oh, crap, I killed Stan!
I gotta get out of here. I'm so drunk.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Aw, crap, I killed Stan again!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
- [THUDS]
- [CLONE STAN GROANS]
Earlier, I thought I learned a lesson,
but now I'm not so sure.
This beach is nice, though.
You guys want to go swimming?
We've destroyed all the cloning
tech and the enhanced Stan clones.
I just have one question left.
Only one? I feel like there are
a lot of lingering questions.
How exactly did Dr. Weitzman
ship off the misfit clones?
Was someone at the CIA
secretly helping him?
It was me all along, y'all.
Now, enough yapping.
Let's party!
It's a misfit Stan beach party ♪
From the morning
To the end of the night ♪
We don't really have
A choice in the matter ♪
If we leave
We'll be shot on sight ♪
[VOCALIZING]
Ram bam diggity dong ♪
Shh.
[VOCALIZING]
Ram bam diggity dong ♪
Bye! Have a great time!
Stan's good to go.
His internal biosensor shows body
temp and heart rate are normal
and he has a full erection.
That makes two of us!
Dear diary.
Tonight's the night.
The big deal with the Domingo cartel, and
I have no idea what I'm going to wear.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPING]
Congrats, Stan.
This is your 400th mission.
We've got you an ice cream cake.
Wait, are you eating the cake now?
Uh no.
This is a
practice ice cream cake.
[CHOKING]
[ALARM SOUNDING]
Sorry, fellas. I gotta split.
[GAGGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Stan, what's for dinner tonight?
Don't tell me you forgot
it was your turn to cook.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, come on!
Hey, Stan,
I need a ride to the dealership.
My truck's making this noise.
[GURGLING]
Guys, I'm on a mission.
This number is only for emergencies.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- [STEVE] This is an emergency.
I'm debating changing my hairstyle.
What do you think?
- [NOTIFICATIONS CHIME]
- [MAN GROANS]
[STRAINED GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS, SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
Ahhh!
[MACHINE FLATLINES]
[ALL GASP]
Oh, sweet! Ice cream cake.
Oh no, Stan's dead.
- [MOURNFUL TRUMPET MUSIC PLAYING]
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
[ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO PLAYING]
Stan, your journey is not yet over.
I'm alive?
Yes, but you've lost a lot of blood
and are having strange visions.
What kind of visions,
rock 'n' roll Gandalf?
- Oh.
- [GUITAR SOLO FADES OUT]
My internal biosensor.
The CIA must think I'm dead.
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
It is just one of those days.
[BODY THUDS]
[GRUNTS]
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [ALL GASP]
[WEAKLY] Happy birthday.
[SIGHS WITH RELIEF]
Francine, prepare for some heartfelt
but extremely low effort love-making.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Who the hell are you?
I'm Stan. Who the hell are you?
I'm Stan. Now get out of my house!
You get out of my house!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING IN PAIN]
- [GRUNTING]
- [CHOKING]
If you're the real Stan,
then tell me,
what's your wedding anniversary?
- No clue. [GRUNTS]
- [THUDS]
Actually, I don't know either.
[STAN 2] I demand you
take me to the CIA.
I need some answers.
That's where we're going, dumbass.
And I'm the one who needs answers.
[PHONE RINGING]
[STEVE] Dad, I'm freaking out
about my big haircut tomorrow,
so I booked us an emergency
midnight telehealth session
with Dr. Penguin. Thanks.
[BOTH SIGH]
Sometimes, the family is just
unrelenting.
Sometimes? More like always.
Yes, and between work and family,
I never have a second for myself.
I hear you, bro.
You know,
I still haven't used the spa gift card
that Stiles got me two Christmases ago?
Brutal.
You know, for an evil clone likely sent
to murder me, you're a pretty solid dude.
Thanks, but I'm pretty sure
you're the clone, my friend.
Agree to disagree clone.
But here's one thing
we can agree to agree on.
Do you want to
[BOTH] Stop at DQ for a
Blizzard with fries mixed in?
This is good,
but it would be way better
[BOTH] at Chipotle,
so we can enjoy the amazing music!
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
DJ Mild Salsa, give us a moment.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Uh, I might have figured out
who's the clone.
Also, that right there,
that's a dead giveaway.
Aw, man!
Hey, don't be sad.
I know what'll cheer you up.
Wow. My very own Kangol hat.
I feel like a cool bald guy.
Oh, we're here.
Oh, good. No one's in my parking spot.
[TIRES SCREECH]
What now?
Do we even know what we're looking for?
No, but I bet
that guy knows where to go.
[SENSOR WHIRS]
Tenderize!
Looks like Agent Escher designed
another secret staircase.
[WHISPERING] I just want to say,
I'm having a really good time with you.
Me too.
Okay. Just free-associating.
I don't love what I'm seeing.
I thought we lost you.
I'm so happy you're alive, Stan.
Bullock,
what's with this secret clone program?
Think of it.
Never again will an agent's family
lose a loved one to a dangerous mission.
Visiting widows is the
worst part of my job.
I hate folding that flag.
The widows never appreciate it.
They're always crying.
Okay, but why are they all clones of me?
We were actually trying to clone Stiles,
but you sneezed in the sample.
It's actually impossible
to find a DNA sample
in the office that you
haven't sneezed on
[SNEEZES] Sorry. Late to block that one.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES, BEEPS]
- Yep.
[HAYLEY] Hey, Dad. I accidentally
got super high, and now I'm lost.
Can you come and find me?
Hey, Tuttle!
Oh, I'm in Tuttle's house. Never mind.
[GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION]
The frustrated grunt of a man
with a lot on his plate.
Don't you see the answer
is right in front of you?
I'm giving you clones!
You see, what I'm trying to do
I've been around the block, Stan.
I know what's happening here.
Okay. But the plan is
For the clones to help with all
your family responsibilities.
Yes, I get it.
This isn't, like, a groundbreaking idea.
Happy to help wrangle the Stans
and break them in.
Why are you standing
on that stool like that?
So I can do this.
Hmm. Wet all the way down.
These are good clones.
I'm off to the spa.
Here's a list of what I need
the clones to do for me today.
Now, it might be tricky to
coordinate all these tasks
without the family catching on.
Are you sure you got this, Roger?
Stan, I simultaneously
juggle hundreds of personas,
run three successful Wingstop franchises,
and I'm the GM of the Vancouver Canucks.
I think I can handle a few
clones doing some errands.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[ROGER] Help!
Stan, you need to come back.
I'm in way over my head.
What's this?
Are you kidding me?
What were you two doing by the river?
[BOTH] Salamanders.
Salamanders?
That's your answer? Salamanders?
Now, what the hell is this?
What are you doing?
This isn't on the list.
Who even is this kid?
Camden.
Get in the car.
Up. Wait, empty your pockets.
[SALAMANDERS CHIRPING]
All of you?
Go easy on the clones, Stan.
It's not all their fault.
I know. It's mostly your fault.
Wow. You need to relax, bud.
Have a beer.
Have sex with one of the clones.
Roger, you're no longer in charge.
It's the right call.
You clones need supervision.
Someone to watch over you and
make sure you're doing your jobs.
To that end, I've brought in
More clones!
All right, Stan 4 is giving Jeff a bath.
Seven is at Dillard's with Hayley,
finally getting her
properly sized for a bra.
Oh, original Stan is home.
Stan 12, how's that foot rub going?
Oh, Stan.
[SOFTLY] She's super horny.
We're ready for you, OG Stan.
Time for the main event.
[GRUNTS]
Boom.
Sending in Stan 13 for cuddling.
[MAN] I've come to warn you.
The secret clone program
is not what it seems.
[ATTENDANT] Stan Smith.
Ooh, I'd love to hear the
rest of that dire warning,
but I need this massage stat.
Threw my back out banging my wife.
It was like a sex marathon, bro.
[MAN SIGHS]
Smells good.
What did I cook tonight? [LAUGHS]
It's coq au vin with
sherry instead of
Oh, my God. Why do people keep trying to
explain important details to me today?
Who's hungry for my legendary
Turkey soup?
[ALL CHEERING]
[KLAUS] Cheers to the one and only Stan.
This is bullcrap.
I don't know, guys.
It's nice to see Stan happy.
Doesn't that make it all worth it?
Oh, shut up, Cuddle Stan.
Hold up. I'm confused.
We played basketball all
yesterday afternoon, Dad.
How did you also take Steve
to a five-hour haircut?
Great question, Hayley,
but I have a better one.
Who wants dessert?
- [THUDDING]
- What's all that noise?
Probably rats, ungrateful rats
that need to be put in their place.
Finally, someone is doing something
about those entitled rats.
It's not fair how you treat us.
Hey, we're all equal here.
Except for me, because I was created
by God and you are abominations.
What the heck is going on, Stan?
Nothing's going on.
Woman, you are so paranoid.
[CRASHING]
Just because you're right
doesn't mean you're not paranoid.
Now I get how you were
able to do all that stuff.
But it wasn't you at all, was it?
'Twas beauty that killed the beast!
No, Jeff.
All right, I might have had a
little help from a few clones.
Let's not make this into a huge deal.
I thought you had turned over a new leaf,
but instead, you found a new low.
Hey, I did this for you guys.
For us? Where were you even?
[CLONES] He was at the spa!
The spa, huh?
Well, if you love the spa so much,
why don't you just go live there?
Great idea. Maybe I will.
So, it's probably time for you
unsettling creatures to go too.
They can't leave now.
I need their help completing my look.
What's next for me?
Overlining my lips or
shaving off my eyebrows?
- [CLONES] Both.
- See?
Okay, the unsettling creatures can stay.
- Yes!
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Family kick you out?
You're gonna love living at the spa.
All the mealy Granny Smith apples
and deodorant you can eat.
But I don't want to eat deodorant.
I want my family.
What a weirdo.
Don't worry. It's all good.
I've learned my lesson and
appreciate my family again.
This happens a lot.
I forget to value my family,
but then I remember.
So if you'll simply let
me back into my house
This is our house now.
Listen up, clonies.
I'm the original Stan.
You clonies have to do what I say.
I don't think so.
We've realized that it is we clonie
uh, clones,
that are superior,
better than you in every way.
Goodbye, Stan.
[STAN SCREAMING]
- [CALM MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Make yourself at home, Stan.
We're watching Peacock.
Bullock,
there's something wrong with the clones.
They're being really
mean and talking crazy,
saying they're superior to me.
Sounds like everything is
going exactly as planned.
- What?
- This is why I let you take the clones.
I needed them to realize
they were superior to humans.
And the only way to do that was to
have them live with an idiot like you!
- The only way?
- The most fun way!
I can't believe this.
If only someone had warned me!
[MAN SIGHS]
Humanity is weak and flawed.
Your time has passed.
The future is clones, Stan.
Hey, why are you calling me Stan?
- You always call me
- [BULLOCK] Smith!
Watch out.
Two Bullocks? How could this be?
What? He's obviously a clone!
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[STAN EXCLAIMS]
[LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY]
Oh, no! Now I know how those
delicious BK broilers feel!
[BOTH YELP]
- [SHIP HORN BLARING]
- [PANTING]
[STAN GRUNTING]
Where am I?
Welcome to the Island of Misfit Stans!
What is this place?
[DR. WEITZMAN] I think
I can answer that.
It's an island.
Yes. But why all the
Horrifying versions of you that
look like crimes against nature?
Well, you see,
one of my clone project duties included
killing all the Stans that came out
different.
But I didn't have the heart to do it.
So I came up with this system
where the imperfect Stans
would secretly be
shipped to this island.
[RETCHING]
Every breath I take is
like a little death.
He's our resident drama queen.
I finally did master the process,
but then Bullock turned
on me and here I am.
But I'm not complaining.
I love island life.
I got my hammock, my little Stan,
and all the raw monkey I can eat.
Yeah, this place is pretty sweet.
But don't just take it from me!
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
And we love it here ♪
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
I never wanna go ♪
'Cause I'm a freak show ♪
Weird Stan,
Weirder Stan Super weird Stan ♪
I'm sorry, Smith. This is all my fault.
When you start a
clandestine cloning program,
you never expect anything to go wrong.
- What happened?
- Things went downhill
after I cloned myself to wait in line
for the Jordan 5 Wolf Greys to drop.
My own frickin' clone turned against me.
And now that Evil Bullock has turned
all the clones against humankind.
He's been making enhanced Stan clones.
They're planning on
taking over the world.
Oh, no! My family is in danger!
Your family
and the whole world!
I have trouble conceptualizing
stakes that high.
Let's just stick with my family.
Okay.
All right, first we clone the
president and collapse the economy.
Then we clone the pope and
destroy their religion.
And then we clone the members of Weezer,
break up the band,
spend a decade messing around
with indulgent side projects,
until finally reuniting
to headline Coachella.
I'm a little behind. Did you guys
figure out these are clones yet?
Roger, why are you in here?
Stan 4 found out that I was
also hooking up with Stan 7
Eight, nine, 10 and 11.
There was a hilarious scene of me on
six dates all at the same Ruth's Chris.
Did that get cut for time?
I need to get back to save my family!
And I need to get back for
my goddaughter's quinceanera.
But how will we get home?
Someone need a ride?
Sail ♪
- Hi, Stan!
- Hey, Stan!
- Hi, Stan!
- Hey, Stan!
This is amazing! But I don't get it.
Why are you all helping me?
[SUPER FLAT STAN] We may be misfits,
but we're still Stans.
We love Francine, Hayley and Steve,
and tolerate Roger,
Jeff and Klaus, just as you do.
But, hey,
could you move slightly to the left?
You are standing right on my balls.
Sail ♪
We know!
[EVIL BULLOCK] So,
the aberrations survived.
Very well.
It's time.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Understood. We'll be there.
Oh, I'm getting another call.
No, Klaus,
I can't hang out at the dealership.
I don't care that the hot receptionist
is wearing the sweater again.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
[EPIC MUSIC PLAYING]
This is horrible.
I don't want to watch my
daddies hurt each other.
Oh, you have to watch.
I shall relish seeing your face
as your father and your
belief in humanity die.
Wow. That was lame.
Embarrassing.
We all heard you practicing
your little speech in the
bathroom this morning.
You heard that?
- Yeah, we did!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
I know you're scared
of these perfect Stans.
But I'm here to tell you,
Stans aren't supposed to be flawless.
Flaws make us who we are.
Those other Stans may be perfect,
but it's our imperfections
that make us beautiful.
Really?
[RETCHING]
Yes.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Charge!
- For Narnia!
[ALL CHEERING]
Wow. The battle of the 400 Stans.
[STEVE] Four hundred?
I'm not sure your math is right.
By my count
Steve, don't be that guy.
It's the battle of the 400 Stans!
It's the battle Of the 400 Stans,
y'all ♪
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING,
IRON MAIDEN "THE TROOPER"]
I'm Cuddle Stan,
and I couldn't bear to see war
Die, clone scum, die!
You'll take my life
But I'll take yours too ♪
You fire musket ♪
But I'll run you through ♪
So when you're waiting
For the next attack ♪
You better stand
There's no turning back ♪
The bugle sounds
The charge begins ♪
But on this battlefield
No one wins ♪
The smell of acrid smoke
And horse's breath ♪
As I plunge on
into certain death ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
[CLONE SCREAMING]
[GROANS]
Don't worry, Smith.
I'm pretty sure I'm the good one!
[BOTH STRAINING]
I should have known
it would come to this.
I'm gonna savor your death.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
So corny!
Shut up! You won't be laughing when
Oh, crap, I killed Stan!
I gotta get out of here. I'm so drunk.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Aw, crap, I killed Stan again!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
- [THUDS]
- [CLONE STAN GROANS]
Earlier, I thought I learned a lesson,
but now I'm not so sure.
This beach is nice, though.
You guys want to go swimming?
We've destroyed all the cloning
tech and the enhanced Stan clones.
I just have one question left.
Only one? I feel like there are
a lot of lingering questions.
How exactly did Dr. Weitzman
ship off the misfit clones?
Was someone at the CIA
secretly helping him?
It was me all along, y'all.
Now, enough yapping.
Let's party!
It's a misfit Stan beach party ♪
From the morning
To the end of the night ♪
We don't really have
A choice in the matter ♪
If we leave
We'll be shot on sight ♪
[VOCALIZING]
Ram bam diggity dong ♪
Shh.
[VOCALIZING]
Ram bam diggity dong ♪
Bye! Have a great time!