American Dad s20e13 Episode Script

1
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [EERIE MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO]
-
[PAGE RUSTLES]
[PAGE RUSTLES]
[ROGER] And as we lay
our brother to rest,
we remember the man he was.
A proud Martian,
raised in the Northern Lowlands.
His parents named him "Daryl". I think?
He might have actually told me "Carol".
Or maybe even "Daryl".
Bottom line, I didn't know him well.
But because he was our only congregant,
I tried to engage with him,
but he was so low energy.
One time, I made boozy popsicles
from the sacramental wine. Fun, right?
Well, he took one,
but just one, and he nursed it.
I had seven, eight.
Anyway, let us say amen.
Sorry about the shallow grave, bud.
This Mars gravity sucks
for burying stuff.
- [PAGE RUSTLES]
- [FOOTSTEPS TAPPING]
- Refill the wafers.
- [RATTLING]
Charge up the holy water.
[DRIPS]
Now, that's a high meniscus.
Pretty high.
I'm sure you have seen higher, my Lord.
Zero foot traffic,
and yet the dust keeps comin'.
I'm a total pyro,
so this is fun for me.
[WIND HOWLING]
What do you say, Lord?
- Showtime?
- [PAGE RUSTLES]
[PLAYS GUSTAV MERKEL'S
"PRELUDE IN A, OP. 156 NR 10"]
Neh, neh, neh ♪
Neh, ne, ne, ♪
Ne ♪
And God destroyed the Earth ♪
So he could bring us to Mars ♪
He saved one-sixteenth
of the human race ♪
And taught us how to fly cars ♪
Thank you, Lord,
for blessing me with another day
on this barren planet.
I also thank you for all
the tedious cleaning,
which you leave totally to me.
Then there's the Mars dust,
which, like you, great Lord,
is present all the time, everywhere,
and in everything.
In every orifice of my body.
Thank you.
But, Lord,
what I really want is a flock.
It's feeling like flock time.
Or start slow,
send me one soul to save. Or ten.
Look, I'mma I'm not gonna
tell you how to do your job.
Okay, that's it. Amen.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
[RATTLING]
[DRIPS]
[DUSTER SCRATCHING]
[WIND HOWLING]
What do you say, Lord? [GASPS]
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
A soul to save!
And I'm ready!
Ready and waiting!
Do I have time to pee?
Hello? Anybody here?
[TOILET FLUSHING]
Sorry, I thought I just had to pee,
but God is bountiful.
I'm Father Roger, by the way.
Put 'er there.
- [KISSES]
- Oh. That's nice.
Father Roger,
I've been wandering a long time.
I'm just so very tired.
Okay, well, that sack looks heavy,
maybe put that down?
No, it's not that.
Have you tried resting?
Sleeping at night,
so you have energy during the day?
[SIGHS] I'm tired in a spiritual sense.
Oh, okay, then I'm your man!
I've never felt at peace.
I think because I never
embraced the Lord.
But I feel ready to walk his path.
Yay!
Okay, first off, yay.
Secondly, your wandering days are over.
Now, you're riding shotgun
with me and G-O-D.
Oh, that sounds nice.
But, Father, can I ask,
where's the rest of your congregation?
Oh, they're comin'.
Just taking a little
longer than I thought.
After they terraformed Mars,
this town was about to boom,
but then, it just it just didn't.
Maybe 'cause of the dust?
Which I love. [COUGHING]
You You get used to it.
[CONTINUES COUGHING]
Lousy [COUGHS] dust
ruining my life. [CLEARS THROAT]
Anyway, welcome.
I don't mind the dust, actually.
[COUGHING] Oh,
then you're gonna love dust season.
I've learned to love it.
Besides, I don't have the
space bucks to go anywhere.
You know how that goes.
Nice boots. Tecovas?
Space Tecovas.
So, what do you say?
Me, you and the Lord,
we build this congregation together?
Well, I say, let's do it!
[BOTH COUGHING]
That's just a taste of what's to come.
[SNORING]
Lord, I know I often use
this time to power cry.
But today, I wanna thank you.
I asked for a soul to save,
and that's what you sent me.
[SCHEMING ROGER]
Are you sure about that?
Oh, not you again.
Just Just hear me out.
Maybe the Lord hasn't
sent you a soul to save.
Maybe he sent you an opportunity.
I'm not listening. Go on.
The man's rich.
Those boots!
Plus, the sack he won't put down.
I did notice the sack.
What do you think's in there?
Money. Our ticket out of here.
I can't rob him, I'm a priest!
To no one!
Think about it, we could leave Mars,
go to a big city with lots
of souls to save. A flock.
I'm so ready for a flock.
So, what you're saying is,
we would sneak in, grab the sack,
and be gone before he even woke up?
[FLOORBOARD CREAKING]
I didn't hear anything.
Get him!
- [ROGER AND LEWIS GROANING]
- [OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[THUDDING]
[GRUNTS]
[THUDS]
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
This crucifix is so jagged,
there should be a warning label.
[SIGHS] I feel so bad.
But this sack isn't
gonna look in itself!
- Release the jewels!
- [CLATTERS]
What? Shoe polish?
And some book?
[READING]
Ugh, I've read this.
And, as we lay our brother to rest,
we remember the man he was.
A liar who acted all rich
when he was not.
And then, something happened to him.
Amen.
What can I say, Lord?
I'm sorry, I made a mistake.
But everyone makes mistakes
sometimes, right?
I guess now that I look at it,
I have probably made a
flock's worth of mistakes.
But that was the old me.
The new me is finally
ready to do it right.
But I need your help, Lord.
I'm asking you one last time,
please send me a soul to save!
[READER] Oh, he killed 'em all.
That's pretty cool.
- [READER] Well, what's next?
- [PAGE RUSTLES]
- [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
-
[LOW-FREQUENCY PULSING]
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
[ELEVATOR CLANGING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
[ROCKS TRICKLING]
- [WHIP SNAPPING]
- [YELPS]
Hurry up, maggots!
The collection train is here!
Get those earth materials
in your gravel bins!
Rocks!
Stones!
- Metals!
- Gems!
[SINGING] Whatever we find ♪
[BOTH] We hands to thems ♪
Guys, look what I found!
Oh, man.
Maybe I'll retire there when I
pay off my debt to the company.
You'll never pay off
your debt to the company.
None of us will.
[BEEPING, DINGS]
I just did!
I came here as a baby,
but my life is about to begin!
Ow!
Oh.
- [WHIP SNAPPING]
- Dying is against the rules.
- [WHIP SNAPPING]
- And what's this?
- Worthless trash.
- [CRACKLING]
William, you know
you're to turn any materials
you find over to the company
immediately, William.
- Yes, but
- Don't worry,
you'll receive a fair trial.
[ELECTRICAL WHIRRING]
And the trial has concluded,
you've been sentenced to death.
I respect the court's decision.
[WHIP SNAPPING]
[LOW-FREQUENCY PULSING]
[KLAUS] The company thanks you
for your years of dedicated service.
And on a personal note,
I'd just like to say,
yackety yack, don't come back!
[GEMS JINGLING]
My gems!
And he stole gems?
The punishment was too lenient.
What do you say, Jeffy?
How about a song for the boys?
I don't feel like singin', Al.
Our lives mean nothing to these people.
[SHATTERS]
Wait. I might have found something.
[CLICKS]
What is it?
Never mind that, just turn it in.
You saw what happened to Billy.
A kaleidoscope, maybe?
[SCOFFS] "Kaleidoscope."
It's clearly an audio device.
Hello?
Oh, duh!
It's a gag reflex trainer.
[MUFFLED] See?
What's this thing do?
- [GUNSHOT]
- Oh!
What was that?
[SPUTTERING] Maybe it was your whip?
Don't talk about my whip!
- [WHIP SNAPPING]
- Ow!
And don't eyeball my whip!
- [WHIP SNAPPING]
- Ah!
- [WHIP SNAPPING]
- Ah! I was just admiring it!
Coveting my whip is a sin. Two more!
- [WHIP SNAPPING]
- [YELPING]
[ROBOTIC FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
I think this is an old-timey weapon.
We could use it to escape!
Are you nuts?
They'd kill us if we got caught.
They're gonna kill us anyway, Al.
We could use this thing
to get past the fish,
then slip onto the collection train.
We don't even know where the train goes!
Anywhere but here.
Just think about it.
[ROBOTIC FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
- [KLAUS] Hi-yah!
- [WHIP SNAPS]
That's a karate-flavored whip-step.
I invented that.
[LOW-FREQUENCY PULSING]
[SNORING, MIMICS WHIP SNAPPING]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [EERIE MUSIC SWELLS, STOPS]
- [PAGE RUSTLES]
Good morning, Jeffrey.
Another beautiful day
spent together on Earth Fragment 151822.
I dreamed of the beach last night, Al.
I have to get out of here.
Okay.
Then I'm coming, too.
Wait. Really?
Well, yeah, you're my best friend.
Let's find this beach.
Start that shrimp business
we've been talking about.
TuttleJeff Shrimp.
Wow, this is great!
But did I Did we
I'm sorry,
I don't remember the shrimp thing.
Maybe I just thought it.
Anyway, what's the plan?
[PAGE RUSTLES]
[ELEVATOR WHIRRING, THUDS]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]
- [WHIP SNAPPING]
- Hurry up, you maggots!
The collection train is here!
What are you maggots doing?
- We're escaping!
- Yeah!
This is a weapon!
- Like a mini whip?
- No!
Like an old-timey space blaster.
We'll shoot you with it!
I'm skeptical.
- [MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
- [GUN FIRES]
[DICK] Ow!
Come on!
Sorry, Dick!
Okay, I believe you.
[WHIP TIGHTENS]
What kind of sicko ties a fish up
with his own beloved whip?
[JEFF] Quick! The train!
[LOW-FREQUENCY PULSING]
[WHIP SNAPPING]
[SCREAMING]
Big mistake using my
own whip against me.
It motivated me like crazy!
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
Unwhip my friend!
You're not gonna shoot.
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]
- [WATER TRICKLING]
- Nice try, maggot!
Wait! Why is my water draining? [GASPS]
[WHIRRING]
[COUGHING, GASPING]
My only regret
is not whipping you
even more constantly.
[POWER DRAINING]
You did it, Jeff, we're free!
[JEFF] Sorry, Al.
When I fired this thing,
it launched me into space.
Well, fire it the other way!
Fire your way back to me!
- [GUN CLICKS]
- It's empty!
Grab hold!
Hold on!
- I'm comin' to get ya!
- No!
If you step off that train, you're dead.
We were gonna find that beach together.
I know. But, hey, don't feel bad for me.
I made it out of the mines!
What about TuttleJeff Shrimp Company?
Promise me you won't do it.
Oh. Did you not like the idea?
There are a lot of
challenges in that business.
- [STATIC HISSING]
- Sourcing the shrimp.
- [STATIC HISSING]
- Fostering brand partnerships.
- [STATIC HISSING]
- I mean,
do we even know there are oceans left?
[STATIC HISSING]
He's afraid of success.
[STATIC HISSING]
[JEFF] But I would have
loved working with you
friend.
[RISING ELECTRIC HUM]
[READER] Hmm,
seems like something happened to Earth?
[PAGE RUSTLES]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
-
[PAGE RUSTLES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]
[CONVEYOR BELT WHIRRING]
[CUTLERY CLATTERING]
[SQUEAKS]
[PAGE RUSTLES]
Breakfast service was a
most honorable effort.
Your lab-grown eggs
were a triumph, daughter.
And what of my potato croquette?
Good. But I believe a creamier
interior is yet possible, son.
Father, I've been thinking,
maybe it is time for me to grow a child.
You believe you're ready
to take a baby out of the
genetic recombinator, daughter?
Indeed,
it feels like it were just yesterday
that Mrs. Smith and I were taking
you out of the genetic recombinator.
I will think on it.
- I feel
- I said I will think on it!
Now, lunch service.
Mrs. Smith?
A summer corn salad,
followed by a corn salmon escabeche
with blue corn tortillas,
and a duet of corn desserts.
We've got a lot of corn right now.
We've just gotta
put a dent in this corn.
There is the matter of the
corn cutter and creamer tool.
- What matter?
- It's broken.
The creaming edge is badly
warped and must be replaced.
You'll check the spare parts drawer.
Or perhaps, we could ask for a new tool?
You could go upstairs?
- [ALL GASPING]
- Upstairs?
We do not go upstairs, son.
You say that, but why not?
- [CHAIR SCRAPING]
- Because it is not protocol!
I've never done it,
my father never did it,
his father never did it!
We do not call on the Upstairs.
"The Upstairs."
- [BANGS]
- Have they ever even thanked us
for what we do down here?
I do not know the Upstairs!
And you will not know the Upstairs!
It is by design that
we do not know them,
and that they do not know us.
[MECHANICAL DOOR BEEPS, WHIRS]
[SCOFFS] "Go upstairs."
For a simple repair?
The boy just doesn't love protocol,
which makes no sense,
because loving protocol is protocol.
[CLICKING]
[STRAINING]
[STAN] Ow!
[MECHANICAL DOOR BEEPS, WHIRS]
Although I've made great
progress on the repair,
the corn cutter and creamer tool
will not be ready for lunch service.
We must make do with the
paring knives for now.
[MECHANICAL DOOR BEEPS, WHIRS]
- [CHAIR SCRAPING]
- Paring knife to cream corn.
Give me strength, Space Jesus.
- [PAGE RUSTLES]
- Okay.
One gram too much parsley,
but also okay.
[GASPS] Unseparated corn kernels?
Have we standards here, or no?
If I just had the proper tools, Father!
We'll speak of this later when
I'm not trembling with rage.
[PAGE RUSTLES]
[MECHANICAL DOOR BEEPS, WHIRS]
Yes, I know,
lunch service was a disaster.
About that, Mr. Smith,
I was consulting the protocol manual.
Ah, the protocol manual.
Yes, and according to Article 14,
rule 3-22-P,
"The Downstairs can go upstairs
in cases of emergency."
So, you will travel upstairs
then and request a new tool?
Mrs. Smith, can we speak
informally for a moment?
- Certainly.
- I'm scared.
I've never gone upstairs!
I do not know their ways!
What if I make a fool of myself?
Oh, you could never do that, Mr. Smith.
You are Mr. Smith.
What if What if they're mean to me?
No, I cannot go.
Now, please leave me,
I have dinner service
bearing down on me.
[MECHANICAL DOOR BEEPS, WHIRS]
Oh, come on.
[STAN] Guide me, Fathers.
[MECHANICAL DOOR BEEPS, WHIRS]
I will be traveling upstairs.
Yes!
You must dress appropriately
for the occasion.
- [BOW SWISHES]
- I hope this is still the style.
An anniversary bow is always
in fashion, Mr. Smith.
[ELEVATOR DOOR WHIRRING]
The Protocol Manual.
Thank the gods for Mrs. Smith.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
The Downstairs requests
permission to enter.
[SPUTTERING] By the power
of Article 14, rule 3-22-P.
[NAT KING COLE
"EL BODEGUERO" PLAYING]
Hello?
Article 14?
[SONG GROWS LOUDER]
[BOOK THUDS]
- [SONG ENDS]
- [LOW-FREQUENCY PULSING]
[BEEPS]
[ELECTRONIC CHIME]
Captain Jean Luc Bullock Memari
of the S.S. Deucalion speaking.
We're in year 284 of our 500-year
journey to colonize New Earth.
That's over a century ago.
But our mission has
zero chance of success.
I guess a "scientist" made a mistake.
And New Earth is actually
an uninhabitable sphere
of superheated gas.
And the closest habitable planet
is well beyond our fuel reserves.
It's hopeless.
So we've made a difficult decision.
We're gonna kill ourselves, yeah!
[SLURPING, BURPS]
- [CAN CRUNCHING]
- Yeah!
We are gonna kill ourselves.
Trust me, we tried to make a go of it.
Orgy after interminable orgy.
But with the knowledge that
we were heading nowhere,
with no future, no prospects,
no purpose Well, it got old fast.
The meals were particularly monotonous.
Monotonous?
[CAPTAIN MEMARI] So here's to
the bash to end all bashes.
[MAN] Cap,
you're missing the cyanide conga line!
[ELECTRONIC CHIME]
[BLEEP]
- [ELECTRICAL WHIRRING]
- [WOMAN OVER PA] Lunch service complete.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
What did they say, Father?
They're all
Yes?
They thanked us!
- [ALL SIGHING]
- Thank the gods.
And said what we do down here
is critical to the mission.
And that our meals are not monotonous.
Not monotonous.
Well, that's nice.
And what of the corn cutter
and creamer tool, Mr. Smith?
Oh, the tool. They didn't give me one.
They hated the corn,
they want it purged from the garden.
I shall go upstairs and apologize.
No! No.
They They said our interpretation
of the protocol manual
- was too liberal.
- Oh, dear.
They've forbidden us from
going upstairs ever again.
But they did give us a gift to
thank us for our years of service.
It's a device that
produces pleasing sounds.
They suggested we might
enjoy it while we cook.
Speaking of, dinner service is
in two hours. Let's get to it!
[NAT KING COLE
"EL BODEGUERO" PLAYING]
These sounds really do help me work.
Thank you, Upstairs.
[BABY CRYING]
[SONG FADES]
[READER] Pretty good stories,
pretty interesting.
Oh, a hovercraft, that's good.
Good money is good.
-
- Ohhh, now that's good!
I'd like to put that on my belly button.
[DIALING ON PHONE]
[LINE RINGING]
Hello? I'm calling about the
Vibratile Massage Device?
Bye! Have a beautiful time!