Family Guy s23e14 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You know, say what
you want about Quahog,
but I am so impressed
seeing all these donations
from our very own community.
I'm curious if our old
VCR is getting any nibbles.
Peter, don't bid on it.
[PETER] I want it back.
Welcome, everyone, to the live
auction portion of the evening.
First up, a romantic vacation for two
at a historic bed and
breakfast along the coast.
Oh, that actually sounds pretty nice.
Peter, give me the paddle.
$200!
Yes. $200 from someone's hot wife.
$250!
$250 from a slightly
less attractive woman.
Unless, of course, I hear $300!
$500.
$500 from Sydney Sweeney's twin sister.
Do I hear six?
Sold to Lois Griffin,
whose husband just lost the
silent auction for the VHS player.
Aw.
My Lawnmower Man tape is still in there.
I can't believe I actually won.
I have not felt a rush like this
since I had exact change
at the grocery store.
- [BEEP]
- That will be $22.48.
Oh, I think I have change.
Uh 40, 45
Oh my God!
Exactly 48 cents. Can you believe that?
Well, today must be my lucky day.
I'm gonna take this
as my sign to stay open
and say yes to everything.
And would you like to
round your purchase up
for our "kids with cancer" charity?
Oh, God, no! No, no.
I don't even like
looking at that picture.
I can't believe I won a trip!
Did you see the offended
look on Bonnie's face?
Yep, got it locked and loaded.
A real bed and breakfast.
Peter, this trip is my one
chance to relax and enjoy myself.
I spend every day taking care
of other people in this house
and just once, just once,
I want to feel taken care of.
Okay, Lois.
Thank you.
What weekend should we go?
Where's that now?
To the bed and breakfast.
Oh, no way I'm doing that.
Not after our last romantic vacation.
Sir, my condolences.
But I wanted to let you
know that Peter Mayhew,
who originally played
Chewbacca, has passed away.
No!
I'm so sorry, sir.
Thank you, butler who
I bring on vacations
just in case Peter Mayhew dies.
It's been an honor, sir.
I'm not paying him for the full week.
Chris, I have your clea
When did you get a souvenir
of the Washington Monument?
Ma! Get out!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Wha
What the hell, Chris?
Can't you lock the door?
Oh, my God, I can't unsee that now.
Think how I feel.
Now I'm gonna need someone to walk in
at that precise moment every time,
or it's not gonna work anymore!
Put that on your chore list, Mother!
What's wrong, Mom?
I just walked in on your brother.
Oh, my God, it's 9:00 in the morning.
What is wrong with boys?
A girl would never do that.
I don't know.
Why do you think I slide down
the banister to breakfast?
Come on, Meg. Everyone knows
women don't pleasure themselves.
You seriously think that?
Well, yeah.
So are you saying
when you use the bidet,
you're facing forward?
Of course.
And when you ride a bike,
you're just going out for exercise?
Yeah.
Look, all my free time just goes
to taking care of other people
and then lording it over them.
Wow. Maybe that's why you're
such a bitch all the time.
- What's that?
- I said, you should totally try it.
Pick the hottest guy you
can think of and go to town.
What's stopping you?
I don't know.
Maybe it has something
to do with those films
they used to show us in
masturbation ed class.
[NARRATOR] Samantha was alone
and thought she might
begin to know her body.
- [SCREAMING]
- [NARRATOR] Instead, she got to know
her grave.
I don't know, Meg.
I'm not sure my
subconscious will allow me
to think about any man
other than your father,
but thanks anyway.
- You're a good Daughtry.
- I'm not that great.
Oh, Denzel yourself short.
I'm just out of my Depp here.
I can learn to live with the Bardem.
Well, Estrada the laundry.
I should go finish it.
Anyway, Ryan Gosling.
Ah, another day over and done.
Kids are asleep.
I put on all my creams that do nothing,
and Peter won't be back for an hour.
I have the whole night to myself.
I guess I could check in on
Mindy Kaling's body journey.
Oh, she credits her
weight loss to walking.
Yeah, you stick with that, Mindy.
The bigger the lie, the
more people will believe it.
Ooh. What's this?
John Cena chops wood,
and you won't believe the results.
[LAUGHS]
Well, I didn't expect
those results at all.
[MEG'S VOICE] Do it, Mom. It's just you
and John Cena's rippling
shoulder and neck area.
Now's the time!
Huh. Maybe my subconscious
memory of Meg's advice is right.
[MEG] No! It's actually me.
I can hear you talking to
yourself through the wall.
Oh, just go for it already!
I'm not even listening.
I'm gonna pop in my pods and fall
asleep to some old Stanley Cups.
[INHALES AND EXHALES]
She's right. It's now or never.
Hell yeah, Yzerman! Let's go!
Ah, okay.
Focus, Lois.
[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[GIGGLING]
Jimmy Connors?
Jimmy Connors.
All right, well, since your
mom is nowhere to be found,
I think we should go around the table
and say who you think the
hottest family member is.
And don't say no one.
You should probably just
ask us how school was, Dad.
I heard "you" and "Dad."
So thank you, Chris.
I also picked myself.
Where is Lois anyway? I'm starving.
I don't know, but I've
been hearing a lot of buzz.
What have you been hearing?
A literal buzz. Lot of it.
Mom, what's for dinner?
Fish fingers!
Yuck!
Sorry I'm a little late.
Let it be noted that everyone else
was able to pleasure
themselves in a timely fashion
and still show up to dinner promptly.
Well, everyone is free
to do what they want.
I choose to take care of myself.
And if people aren't
satisfied with that,
then they can take
care of themselves, too.
That includes cooking dinner.
Look, Mom, nobody is happier
for you than I am, really.
This is a mitzvah at the highest level,
but not if it doesn't put a
weird over-salted white pasta
on the damn table.
Chris is right. We can't
do everything, Lois.
What are we supposed to eat every night?
The kids' leftover Halloween candy?
Maybe I can do some of this stuff.
Okay, enough!
You know, I always thought
making other people happy
was what made me happy,
but it turns out making me
happy is what makes me happy.
And I plan on doing a lot more of that.
So that's what's up, Doc.
[ANCHOR] Good day. This is
BBC's Football This Morning.
Highlighting the Premier League's
most exciting biracial
footballers with British accents.
Oh!
As we screen these soft focus
snaps of deep bronze footballers,
bear in mind, they all
speak the Queen's English.
Oh, yeah!
[ANCHOR] Here's one eating crisps.
Oh, that means potato chips.
[ANCHOR] Here's one in his flat.
Mm! Sexier than "apartment."
[ANCHOR] And here's one with a
calendar updating his schedule.
Ah! Same word pronounced different!
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?
Hey, Lois, it's Todd from TJ Maxx.
I noticed you haven't been aimlessly
wandering the aisles lately.
Oh, hi, Todd.
Yeah, I finally discovered
the art of self-pleasure.
Sorry you had to find out like that.
No worries. We actually get this
call more often than you might think.
I'll let HomeGoods know.
I think it's best they hear it from us.
- [LINE RINGS]
- Hi, Todd.
It's Todd.
No, I haven't seen Lois.
And that's exactly why I'm calling.
Can I help you find something?
Principal Shepherd, is that you?
Ah, you've got me.
How deeply humiliating.
Oh, no, not at all.
Sex is nothing to be ashamed of.
Okay, well, you ruined it.
Anyway, perhaps I can interest you
in our new Mission:
Impossible line of toys.
There's the Tom Bruise, the Ring Veins,
and Simon Pegg is still just Simon Pegg.
I think I'll just browse a bit.
All right, well, a general heads-up.
I don't have enough wet floor
signs to cover the wet floor,
but just assume everywhere is wet.
[BOTH EXCLAIM]
Bonnie? [CHUCKLES]
What are you doing here?
I never expected to see you
at this little hole in the wall
with all the little holes in the wall.
Oh, I've been coming for years.
Really? I thought
this place just opened.
Yes.
I can't believe you also enjoy
feeling physically and
emotionally satisfied.
I thought I was the only one.
Well, the media likes to
act like a woman's sex drive
is not as strong as a man's,
and they're definitely right, but
it's still kind of strong, probably.
I totally agree.
You know, you look
really great, by the way.
Ah! Listen to me. [CHUCKLES]
I think that was my first genuine
compliment to another woman.
Yeah. When you realize you
don't need a man for pleasure,
other women no longer feel threatening.
Oh, jeez, Bonnie, you
know, it's so nice.
After all these years of constantly
comparing ourselves to each other
I haven't been doing that.
Well, it's just so nice to finally
find out that we aren't so different.
Yeah.
Hey, you want to go get a
glass of wine or something?
I'd love that.
You know, all this sexual liberation
has just made me feel so
open-minded and giving.
And would you like to round
up your total for Make-A-Wish?
Ugh! God, no! No, no, no!
[NARRATOR ON TV] From the makers
of The Last Temptation of Christ
comes The Second to Last
Temptation of Christ.
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
Can I tempt anyone with dessert?
Ooh, yeah! We'll have the cheesecake.
I see that paleo thing didn't last long.
I'm sorry, Judas,
does the global calendar
begin with your birth or mine?
[ALL] Ooh!
Uh, yeah, we'll have the cheesecake.
I'm glad you're all here.
I have an announcement to make.
No, not Chubby Checker! Not today!
Chubby Checker's fine,
Peter. This is about me.
Wow, breaking news!
Wife somehow makes Chubby
Checker's near death about herself.
Look, I want to thank you all
for indulging me this past week.
I've been on a journey
with my body and my spirit,
and you've all given me lots of space
to explore new desires,
and I appreciate all that.
And one more thing:
I'm dating Bonnie now.
Hello!
[ALL GASPING]
- [STRAINING]
- [SCREAMING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[GROANING]
[GROANING]
- You heard?
- Yeah, I heard.
[CELL PHONES VIBRATING]
[LAUGHING]
Okay. What is it? What's so funny?
Just something from
Donna. She's hilarious.
I don't know much
about the model or make,
but I do understand the
societal theories about Subarus
and the women who enjoy them.
Okay, fellas. I see what this is about.
Which one of you sly little
rascals is buying a new car?
No, Joe, this is about the fact
that your wife is dating my wife,
and it's all your fault.
If you had just pleased your wife,
none of this would be happening.
Oh, okay, Peter.
And by that logic, I suppose
it's also her trainer's fault.
And Sensei Ryan's fault.
Times have changed.
Nowadays, you have to let
your wives be unfaithful
if it's presented through the
lens of "living their truth."
This is humiliating.
Being a cuckold sucks.
It's not so bad, Peter.
The trick is to get really
into World War I Reddit.
Or as we in the community call it,
the Great War.
Because at that time, no one knew
there would be a second one, see?
Look, Peter, I know
this must be strange,
but the best thing that
you and Joe can both do
is accept this budding and
probably quite playful relationship
between your mutually
wet-mouthed wives.
Oh, God, it's happening
again! [STRAINING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Peter, what the hell?
I got upset when I saw the suitcase.
I also killed a bird and
left it in the bathtub.
It's just one weekend.
Bonnie and I are going
on the trip to Munchruggit
that you didn't want to go on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I never
heard nothing about a trip.
Yes, you did. But I'll tell you again.
It's that quaint
little bed and breakfast
[VOICE FADING] off of Route 4
[PETER] She's right.
Because this is exactly
where I stopped listening last time
and started thinking about Wolverine.
Okay, you win. Wolverine
is the coolest X-Man.
Peter, I am going on this vacation.
Unless you are trying to tell
your wife she can't live her truth.
[CLEVELAND'S VOICE] Remember, Peter,
you have to let your wife be unfaithful
if it's presented through the
lens of "living her truth."
Wow. My memory of what
Cleveland said is right.
[CLEVELAND] No, it's really me.
Meg pays for the NHL package,
so I come over here to watch
and drink full-sugar cola.
Don't tell Donna about the
full-sugar cola, though.
That's not her truth.
What a mess.
You can just tell these eggs
weren't scrambled by a woman
doing a thousand-yard stare
out the kitchen window.
Agreed, a bit low on malaise.
This is ridiculous.
Peter, are you seriously just gonna
let your wife run off with someone else?
What choice do I have?
Listen, I know our fans on
TikTok aren't gonna like this,
but cheating with a
woman is still cheating.
In fact, it's sexist
to think that it isn't.
Sorry, I said it.
Oh, no! Brian's getting canceled.
Wait, I take it back.
The future is female.
One podcast is totally enough
to call yourself a comedian
in your Twitter profile.
Look, Dad. What Brian
can't say, but I can,
is that you can still
fight for your marriage.
You're allowed to tell your
wife that you care about her.
You're right.
I'm calling Joe, and we
are getting our wives back.
[DIALING]
[AUTOMATED VOICE] We're sorry.
The Cricket Wireless subscriber you
are trying to reach is unavailable.
Try yelling their name out the window.
Joe!
Hey there, Peter.
What's with the Cricket Wireless?
Well, they had a DJ in the parking lot,
so let's just say I uptown funked
my way into a great family plan.
Listen, I think we need
to go find Bonnie and Lois
before it's too late.
Yeah, I think so, too.
I can't take much more of Cleveland
and Donna's suspicious looks.
You said Bonnie and Lois
were at church today,
but we were at church,
and they weren't there.
That's because they
were at Super Church.
Long as they aren't taking
a secret lesbian holiday.
Mm-hmm. Long as that.
Wow. This hotel is great.
I've never seen so many women
printing out Tori Amos tickets
in a business center.
Look, they even have an open mic night
for whichever one of
you two is the funny one.
- That's me.
- Oh.
I guess that makes me the one
that obsesses over fake illnesses.
Anyway, I gotta sit down.
My knee is doing that milky thing again.
Yeah, sure it is.
Anyway, I'm just glad
we finally made it.
Now that we're here,
do you want to have sex
or complain about the room?
What? Complain about this room?
What's there even to complain about?
We have a nice queen-size bed,
which honestly should be a king.
But look at the view.
I mean, do I think their nicest
room should be facing north?
No, but there's a closet.
Well. [CHUCKLES]
It's a space with six hangers,
so I'm guessing that's what it is.
Although, not seeing
any hangers with clips.
So I guess they think
nobody wears skirts or pants.
You know what? I'm
calling the front desk.
How long before we get to Munchruggit?
GPS says it takes two hours.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- [GASPS]
Oh, my God, Joe, you just
got an OpenTable notification.
It looks like Bonnie and Lois are
going out to a romantic dinner.
- Step on it.
- It's a Kia Sorento.
This is as fast as it goes.
You got to get rid of this thing.
Yep, 91 more payments and I'm free.
I need to stop signing contracts
from DJs in parking lots.
Well, I think we should
start with whichever dish
won't cause your speculative
GI issues to flare up,
since we're gonna be intimate later.
Or we could just lean into it.
Wha What? No!
Wait. What do you mean?
Ladies, what can I get you?
Hi. My friend has dietary restrictions,
so we have five minutes of questions
before we ultimately order
something not on the menu.
Do you have any chicken that's a fish?
[SIGHS] I'm gonna go
check with the kitchen,
and I'm definitely not
gonna just quit on the spot.
Hi. We're two husbands
trying to get our wives
to stop running away with each other.
Oh, well, there's a wait right now,
but if you'd like to stand
with the other husbands,
we'll get you when your table's ready.
Hi there. We were just
discussing World War I.
Don't you mean "The Great War"?
All right, get in here, you.
You're gonna do just fine here.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[LAUGHING]
There they are, Joe.
Look at them in there,
enjoying themselves.
Used to be sexually unsatisfied women
who would just funnel all their anger
into putting seashells
all over the house.
They do look really happy.
Yeah. Lois hasn't looked
that happy with me in years.
[LAUGHING]
[SIGHS] What if Cleveland was right?
We can't stop our
wives from being happy.
I love Lois,
and she deserves to be
with someone she loves, too.
Even if it isn't me.
I guess we just ought to go home, then.
I guess so.
Why don't we try to
pee-pee before we leave,
and then we'll get out of here.
I don't have to pee-pee.
Why don't we try to pee-pee?
[GROANS]
Are you ready?
I feel like my stomach is being
ripped to shreds by tikka masala.
But sure, let's roll the dice.
Wow. I can't believe I didn't stop Lois
from doing the thing I've spent
20 years begging her to do.
Look, I didn't want to bring this up,
but I did do an Internet search,
and it said that in this scenario,
the only right response
is for the husbands to give the
wives a taste of their own medicine.
And this was a pornographic
This was a very convincing
pornographic video, yes.
Well, now we have a
problem and a secret.
Ah, I'm so happy to be back home,
and I brought everyone
lots of seashells.
That's gonna be my new thing.
Putting seashells
everywhere you can imagine.
So, how was it, being with Bonnie?
Well
You know how Wendy's fish filet
looks really good in the commercial,
and then you go to Wendy's
and you open up the bread,
and you can't really tell what the
different parts of the sandwich are,
and then you don't even want it anymore?
What are you saying, Lois?
You didn't actually cheat on me?
Of course not, Peter.
And to think you almost had a hall pass
to sleep with one of your friends.
[LAUGHS] Imagine that!
[ALL LAUGHING]
[PETER LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
Oh, man, that is that is
Yeah, that is That is hilarious.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
The trip is off.
And did you ever find my Minion sock?
I told you to call the hotel, Peter.
I can't. I forgot
which fake name I used.
Hey, Todd.
Did Wade Boggs check out?
He forgot his Minion sock.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]